Chasing the Girl

Disclaimer - see part one

Part 19

Buffy was still lying on her bed. There was no need to take a nap, she couldn't stop thinking about what was about to happen. She had resigned herself to a course of action while lying there. She had a plan and she knew what she was going to say.

'I have to be prepared for this.' She thought.

As she was leaving the room, Faith walked into her.

"Oh, sorry, B." She said, Buffy nodded. "Look, maybe this wasn't a good idea. I think, I...the others..." Faith couldn't decide what to say to Buffy.

"I know, I heard you guys." Buffy said.

"What? How much?"

"Enough. I already knew that, Faith." Buffy said. "I understand it as well. You've been around Rose for a few days and you love her, right?"

It was Faith's turn to nod.

"Right. Now imagine it's been a year. I'm a threat to that, Faith. I see that. I'm not sure how to feel about that, but I understand it."

"Still, we didn't think this through. Not completely. There is likely to be a lot of hostility in that room. I don't want you to run away."

"They don't either, Faith. It may seem like they do, but they don't." Buffy sighed walking past her. "Come on."

Buffy walked into the living room, to find Giles and Dawn sitting with the two girls. Faith was behind her.

"Hello, Buffy." Giles said first. "It's truly good to see you."

Buffy ran to him and hugged him, he flinched before responding.

"I'm sorry, Buffy." He said, when he saw her hurt expression. "I wasn't expecting that."

"It's okay." She said, backing away.

"Hi, Dawnie." She said, glancing at her sister.

"You look different than I expected Buffy." Dawn said sitting down.

"Hello, Faith. It's good to see you as well." Giles said, sitting down. "How are you?"

"Fishing for five by five, G-man?" She asked. He smiled and nodded. "Okay, I'm five by five."

"I've been talking to the girls and I don't know if this is such a good idea, Buffy. I admit that we were all hasty in deciding this. I suppose I just wanted to see you." Giles said looking back at Buffy.

"It's okay, Giles." Buffy said. "I want to."

"No, Buffy, I agree," Faith said. "with Giles. I think we should rethink this. We aren't here to attack you, and I'm afraid that's what will happen." She finished, looking at the others.

Buffy held up her hands. "I'm cool with that. Well, not attacking, I mean not physical attacking. I don't think that would be fun. Not that I expect this to be fun." She sighed.

"Ok, look, everybody sit down."

Willow spoke. "We are all sitting down." She said, looking around.

"Umm, okay. Well, then I want to talk."

Faith started to speak.

"No, let me finish. I've been in my room for a few hours now, and this is all I've been thinking about. So, I want to talk. That's what you wanted, right?" Buffy asked.

They nodded.

"Good. So this is what I was thinking. I wanna talk, tell you guys some things. I'm working on very little nerve here, so I know I have no right to ask this, but I want to know if you would just listen. Until I get through. Is that okay?" Faith and Giles nodded.

"Wills?" Willow looked at Kennedy and they both nodded as well. Buffy looked at Dawn.

"I guess." Dawn spoke.

"Before I begin, though," Buffy said, looking around. "where's Xander?"

"He's not coming." Willow said.

"Oh. He knows about it?" Buffy asked. Willow again nodded. "Well...okay. I respect that. I completely understand it as well."

Buffy sat down, opposite the rest of the group in a chair she pulled across the room.

"First of all, I want to say I'm sorry."

Everyone looked down.

"I know you don't want to hear it. And I can recall telling one certain someone that I would beat them to death if they uttered those words to me." She looked at Faith.

"But I am. I know that it doesn't fix anything. It probably doesn't even matter to you. But I need to say it. You need to know it. I'm not gonna sit here and give you guys a long drawn out excuse of why I did the things that I did. I don't have one. I wasn't intentionally trying to hurt you. To be completely honest, I wasn't thinking about you at all. None of you." She took a breath and paused.

"What I was doing was escaping. I thought I could handle it and when I knew I couldn't, I didn't care. It escalated and I was spiraling. I wish that I could say it was different. That I did care what I was doing, but I didn't."

At this point everyone was staring at her, still not speaking.

Willow wasn't looking at her, but the rest of them watched her as she got up and crisscrossed the room.

She began again.

"I wasn't trying to escape any of you. If that is what you thought. I know I ran away several times. I know I sent some of you away." She said, looking at Dawn.

"But I wasn't escaping you. I wanted to not come back, but I couldn't. Why did you think that I kept returning? No matter how many people I met, and how connected they became to my life, they never could replace one moment with any of you. So I would come back. But I didn't know what I wanted. I felt smothered. I made myself feel that way here, around you guys, you didn't do it to me. But it was there just the same, and so I left. The last time I stayed away so long because I was embarrassed. There were so many times that I wanted to come back, to call you, to do something to fix what I was doing. But I had a child, one I didn't even care about, and I knew what you would think. And I d I did come back, it wasn't because I got over that embarrassment, that feeling of failure, it was because I needed you to fix my mess. The thought of doing it on my own, terrified me. Rose terrified me. And I knew you," She said looking at Willow. "I knew you would do what was right. Because I couldn't."

Willow started to speak, noticing that Buffy's last few statement were coming out choked.

"Please let me finish, Wills." She said, trying to gain her composure. "I have to. I want to address everyone separately. To show you that I've thought about all of you and what I did wrong. Please let me do that."

"Okay." Willow said.

Faith was getting antsy watching Buffy pace. She wanted to tell her that it was enough for now. She didn't want to see anymore, but it wasn't about her, so she continued to stay silent. She was barely moving, terrified of what Buffy was going to say, especially to her.

"Giles," Buffy said. "I guess I'll start with you. We've grown apart, huh?" She asked him. He smiled sadly. "It's not your fault. I know that now. I held you on a pedestal. I expected you to know what was right, and then I sent you packing back to England when I started to feel suffocated. I know you knew what I was doing," He nodded again. "but it didn't stop me. Maybe the reason I sent the two of you there," She said glancing at Dawn. "is because I knew you could stop me. I thought I could manipulate Willow and Xander, that they would understand, but I knew you wouldn't. Again, I'm sorry."

Giles started to speak.

"No please, please let me finish with everyone. Then I promise if it takes all night, I will listen to each of you and answer anything you have to say. But if I stop. I'm afraid to stop. Don't make me." She pleaded.

"Go ahead." He said.

Buffy moved back to her seat and looked at Dawn.

"I'm not sure what to say to you. I know I can't fix it. I was responsible for you and I let you down. Not just with this, but time and time again. I got rid of you, because I was scared of you. I'm sorry. I do love you, I've never stopped loving you. I wish, I hope that you know that. What I did to you with Jack. It's the first thing in a long line of mistakes I wish I could undo. I hurt you for no other reason than for the hell of it. I didn't respect you enough to even care. I don't deserve anything from you," She was now completely crying. "but I am sorry. I am so sorry that I would do whatever you asked me to do to fix it. Anything."

Dawn had not tried to speak like Giles. She made no move to say anything when she realized Buffy was through, so Buffy moved on.

To be continued