You Mean The World To Me

Chapter 21

"Spike? What are you still doing here?" She had come in late after a night with Faith and Anya. They'd gone club hopping and she'd come along for the ride. She hadn't been comfortable with the attention her friends gathered from the male populace, so she'd hung back, which caused her to curse Spike. Hadn't she been the one to pretty much tell him she wanted to do her own thing, including dating other people? But no, all she'd done is feel guilty about it.
She came home to find the very vampire she was feeling guilty about sleeping on Giles's couch. She stood there, watching him for a while, touched that he stayed. Then angry because he'd stayed. If she could make sense of her conflicting emotions, it would make her life a whole lot easier.
"What time is it?" He asked groggily.
"Two."
"What time did you get in?"
She rolled her eyes, "well dad, I got in about a half hour ago."
"Where were you?"
"Out."
He sat up and studied her. She stared at him, not moving.
"Did you have fun?" 'Not really. I thought about you the whole time.'
"Yes. Again, why are you still here? You do have a home." 'I'm glad you're here though. I don't know what's going on with me; please help me. Forgive me.'
He smiled fondly at her, "you're my home, remember?"
She shook her head. "Knock it off, Spike." She grabbed his arm and pulled at him. "Come on. Go home." 'Why am I lying to him?'
"Knew you couldn't keep your hands off me," he teased.
She shook her head, "you're a pig, Spike."
"Oink, oink."
When he refused to budge she gave up. "Fine, do what you want." She started for her bedroom.
"I love you," Spike called after her. She didn't respond. Shutting her door, she leaned against it and sank to the floor. She hoped he didn't hear her crying.

A few days later Buffy sat in the kitchen reading a magazine and sipping her coffee when the front door burst open and in came a smoking Spike. She jumped up, startled. She came running into the living room to see if he was all right.
"Are you on fire?" She asked, concerned. She circled him, checking to see if he was ok.
"I'm all right, pet."
She then glared at him and punched his arm.
"Ow!" He yelped and glared at her.
"What the hell do you think you're doing going out during the day? Are you insane?" She yelled at him.
"Have been for quite some time now, luv," he quipped. He rubbed his arm. "Sorry I taught you that right hook."
She couldn't help but smile at that. "Serves you right." She strolled into the kitchen to grab her coffee.
Encouraged, Spike followed her. "What are you up to sweetness?"
"Drinking coffee. Now I'm going to get dressed."
"Need help?" He smirked. She made to punch him again and he ducked out of her range.
"Are you here to do some more research with Giles?"
Spike nodded. His research with Giles consisted of finding out what big evil was headed for the area. Giles was also teaching Spike some of the fundamentals of magick. Spike figured it wouldn't hurt to learn some things to better in tune himself with Buffy. When that was done, he hung around for the sheer fact that he wanted to be there with her in any capacity she would let him. Which, wasn't all that much. She often retreated to her room or went out for long periods of time. This had been the most they'd talked in three days.
"Great. Well, have fun." She started for her bedroom.
"Where are you going today?"
"Not sure." It was like pulling teeth.
"Who are you going out with?"
"Believe it or not, I do have friends outside of you and Giles. I'm going out with Anya and Faith."
Spike was concerned. Hanging out with those two usually meant guys were involved in some way.
Play it cool, he told himself. "So, you don't know what you're doing huh?"
"Nope. That's part of the plan. Not to have a plan. Just do whatever strikes our fancy."
"Sounds like fun."
"It will be, I'm sure. Giles went to run a few errands so he should be coming back soon."
"I miss you," he told her quietly.
That startled her for some reason. "You've seen me every day," she finally said.
"This is the most you've spoken to me in three days."
She looked down and Spike noticed guilt pass across her features.
"I have to get ready," she mumbled and walked out of the kitchen.
"I deserve to know why you're angry with me."
She stopped, her back to him. "I'm-I'm not angry with you."
"Then why won't you talk to me? Why won't you let me touch you? Why won't you spend time with me?" He hated how desperate he sounded but he couldn't stop himself. He was literally aching to hold her in his arms, to feel her aliveness, to bask in her laughter, to listen to her melodious voice talk to him. He missed her desperately and was nearing the point of being beyond caring how pathetic he sounded.
She turned and faced him; eyes welled up with tears. She wouldn't look at him. "I'm not...anything, Spike." She sighed. "I can't explain it, it's hard."
"Try. Please."
She brushed furiously at her tears that were starting to spill. He wanted to go to her and started to move toward her and she held up her hand.
"Please, don't."
"I want to help, Buffy."
"You can't, okay? No one can. You want to know how I feel? I don't feel anything, that's what I feel. Numb."
"It's normal to feel that way after what happened."
"I don't want to talk about what happened!"
He moved closer to her, "you can't keep it bottled inside. It'll drive you mad."
"Yeah, no kidding." She shook her head and then looked up at him. "How did you kill the Slayers?"
He was taken back by that, and he took a step back as if she had hit him. "What?"
"How did you kill them? Did you do what Drusilla did to me?"
"Oh God, no-" He choked. "You're ashamed of me."
"I just need to know how you did it. Did she help you?" Her tears were freely falling now, but her voice was emotionless.
"No, I did it on my own. I-I didn't do what she did. It was pure fighting."
"How did it feel?"
His own eyes welled up, "don't ask me that. I don't like to remember that. How can you ask me that?"
"Can you really fault me for wanting to know? I mean you spent a century with her. You killed tlayelayers. She tried to kill me. You had to know that question was coming. The only thing keeping you from killing me, is your soul."
"Even if I didn't have my soul, I wouldn't kill you. I love you."
"But you'd go back to killing other innocent humans. Maybe bag yourself another Slayer."
"No," he shook his head, "no, I wouldn't."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't need a soul to not kill. You're my soul."
She was thrown by that answer and some tears fell. "I need to go," she whispered.
He watched her walk away from him and tears of his own fell.

"She never asked you about them before?" Giles asked later on as they looked through some books.
"She did, but it just threw me off guard. Today when she asked, she was curious but disgusted-with me-as well." Spike ran a hand through his hair, "she's angry with me for what I did."
"Do you blame her?"
"No, how can I? When I think about what I did-the soul burns me when I remember my victims. I just never thought she'd be the one to remind me of how much it kills."
"She's hurting, so her defense is to make you hurt too. She wants you to feel her pain."
"I do feel it. In my blood. Her pain is my pain. All I want to do is make it go away."
"I know," Giles said sympathetically.
"Has she spoken to you about anything at all?"
Giles shook his head, "not much. I ask her every day if she wants to talk about it, but she refuses. I just don't want her to think I don't care or plan to pretend it didn't happen. She is craving empathy, not sympathy."
Spike leaned back on the couch and glanced at the clock. "She's been gone for a while-"
The door flung open and Buffy breezed inside. "Just gonna change and I'm out again!" She called as she ran to her bedroom.
"She's been doing that a lot lately. Staying out almost all day and all night." Giles commented.
"I know. Part of the plan to avoid, I wager."
"It concerns me however when it comes to slaying. She might rather exhaust herself."
"Hey Gi-oh, Spike, you're still here?"
Spike stood and faced her. His jaw dropped. "You're not bloody well going out dressed like a trollop!" He shouted at her.
She raised her eyebrows. "You're dating yourself. 'Trollop' went out with the...20's." She turned to Giles. "I'll be home late, don't wait up."
"Stop." Spike commanded using his control as her mate. She stopped, turned and glared at him.
"Spike," Giles said warningly. "Don't force her."
"Are you both ganging up on me now?"
"No one is ganging up on you, Buffy." Giles reassured her.
She shook her head, "I'm so gone now," and she flew out of the house quicker than Spike could catch her. The squeeling of tires were the only thing left of her. Spike rushed to grab his jacket and he bolted for the door, muttering under his breath.
"What are you going to do? You do anything rash and she'll never forgive you for it."
Spike stopped at the door and glared at Giles. "I'm through playing her game. I'moughough letting her walk all over me and treat me like I don't exist!" He slammed the door and followed her scent. That skirt was mini enough to be nonexistent and that halter top showed off more than if she wore a damn bikini! Every pimply faced sodding git within a mile of her would be sniffing around her. And why would she wear something like that out-without him-if she wasn't planning on having those exact results? He growled. He was going to track her down and take her home.