So Damn Domestic

A/N: The answer to the question in the previous chapter is 'The Hills Have Eyes'.
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Previously on ‘So Damn Domestic’:


Buffy and Faith lying in bed holding each other, Buffy looks a little confused as Faith explains: “It’s this place, B. I can feel the hellmouth, all the evil, and it’s driving me crazy.”


Buffy and Holly waling side by side out in the snow. Holly looks a little concerned and Buffy looks annoyed as Holly talks: “Are you sure she’s the kind of woman you want to raise your children with? I mean, those kind of people tend to get a little violent over time.”


Buffy and Faith standing in their bedroom, both are pissed as hell as they scream at each other:
Buffy: “Fuck you! At least I didn’t spread my legs for half of Sunnydale you fucking whore!”
Faith: “No you just spread ‘em for the undead. We’re supposed to fight vampires not fuck ‘em. And me gettin bouncy with a few boys never hurt anyone. Unlike the big mistake that was you fucking Angel!”


Faith sitting in the snow, a bruise forming on her left eye and cheek, Buffy is standing at the front door. “Don’t you dare come back!” She slams the door and locks it.


Faith standing in front of a girl eighteen or nineteen years old, two other girls of the same age are standing off to the side. The girl looks a little scared, Faith looks about ready to kill: “Little tip, next time you hear me arguin with someone don’t fuckin bring it up around me. Unless you want all your teeth knocked out.”


Faith standing on a sidewalk next to a brick building talking to a vampire whose leaning up against the wall: “I try my best, ya know. We got two little kids together and I don’t know what the fuck I’m doin half the time. It’s not like I have some answer book or somethin. This is the first real relationship I’ve ever been in. So I screw up sometimes, so what?”


The Same Night. FPOV


So I had that vampire bring me here and then I staked him, couldn’t have him runnin around tellin the rest of those losers that the top slayers are havin problems. Wouldn’t want any of them tryin to take advantage of the situation. Oh well. Fuck him, who cares? I can’t believe I told him all that shit. I don’t care if it made me feel a little better, I’m a slayer I’m not supposed to be socializing with soulless vampires. Not like Buffy. She’s probably out right now on her back letting one fuck her nice and rough just like she did with Spike. Probably has her eyes closed and pretending it’s Angel who’s doin all those kinky things to her. I bet she isn’t even giving a single thought about me. You know, let’s not think about Buffy right now. Fuck Buffy.


“Gimme another.” I say to the bartender and push the empty beer bottle outta the way. That was my fourth one and I am no where near drunk. I hate slayer metabolism sometimes. Sure I look hot, I can eat whatever the fuck I want and I don’t gain a pound but it takes way too long to get wasted. And that’s exactly where I want to be, in the land of ‘I’m too drunk to remember the bitch at home’. Ok, that was a little harsh but whatever. Wait, I forget I’m not supposed to be talkin about Buffy. Fuck Buffy. This place is a little depressing. It’s all cloudy from the cigarette smoke, the music is depressing, the patrons are depressing, the only thing that this place has goin for it is the low prices. And if it weren’t for that I’d already be outta here.


“Here.” The bartender...Cliff, says and hands me my drink. I give him a little nod and he walks away to go deal with some other customers. You have no idea how much I wish this were a glass of JD. But I can’t drink that stuff. I know that if I start I’ll down a whole bottle and end up back at some guy’s place and fuck his brains out. I can’t do that no matter how pissed off I am at her. I take a long sip and look over to my right when I see three demons walk into a back room. It isn’t the bathroom, that’s on the other side of the room. “Poker game going on if you wanna join, if you have enough.” I give him a weird look. What the hell, why not? I’m pretty good at poker and these are demons so it wouldn’t be completely fucked up if I killed them and took all my money back if I lose. “Ten dollar entry fee to go back there. Everyone pays, even you, sweet cheeks.” I punch him in his nose and he stubbles back and yells out in pain. I hop off the bar stool and take my drink with me. The guy collecting the fees saw what I did to his co-worker so he doesn’t even try to stop me as I walk into the tiny room.


There’s cigar smoke lingering in the air and the sounds of the demons talkin isn’t as quiet as I’d like. There are four of ‘em sitting around a square card table that looks like it’s way past its prime. One demon is tall probably eight feet, dark green skin that’s all scaly, ane has little horns growin out of his forehead and curl so the tips touch the top of his head. He looks up at me with his bright yellow eyes, and he smiles. His teeth look wicked sharp, and they’re all pointy, like a lizard or somethin. I take another drink as I sit down in between the two twin demons. I don’t know if they’re related but they look almost exactly alike. They’re both large, little over six foot and really wide. They’re pasty white, which dark blue eyes, the only difference is the scar runnin up the side of one’s face. He’s the one on my right, the other is on my left. The fourth guy is sittin right across from me and staring at me like I’m insane. Weirdo looks like a fuckin shark. Fin stickin out his head, and he’s wearing a really bad suit. Why are they lookin at me like I’m crazy?


“You got what it takes to play?” lizard man says. What, are they sexist? Do they think that girls can’t play poker? Whatever I can play if I fuckin want, and if they give me shit about it I’ll just slay ‘em. I love that I always have that option. Ok, so not always, but with demons definitely. I’ve played lots of poker in my time, wiped Xander clean once, but I learned my skills in Boston at the weekly games some of the boys had. That’s where I learned to play, just by watchin mostly, didn’t actually play until I had the basics down. And from there it was all about learnin how to mislead, and that came in handy later on. I take another swig of my beer and stare him down. He shuffles the cards and looks around at the other demons. “Ante up.” Fuck, I wonder what we have to put in. Holy shit...are those? They are.


“You play for kittens?” I can’t believe this. Buffy told me about this shit but I didn’t believe her. She did get wasted that night so I thought it was just a weird drunken memory. But now...what the fuck? “You don’t eat ‘em do you?” They start to laugh. I’ll take that as a yes. This must be what lizard man was talkin about when he asked if I had what it takes to play. Dammit. I can’t just leave these little guys here to get eaten up. That’s fucked. They’re just babies. Now if they were fully grown cats...well it depends on how drunk I were at the time, maybe I’d let them get away with it, but I can’t just leave these kittens here. “Tell ya what boys, how ‘bout you play and I just watch. Turns out I don’t have what it takes to play.” I get up from my seat and sit down on a little sofa that’s against the wall. I take the last drink from the bottle and lock eyes with the guy at the door and hold the empty bottle up and wave it a little. He scurries off to get me another. Ah, gotta love that kinda service.


God this is fuckin boring. Now I remember why I started playin this game in the first place, I got tired of watching. I’ve been sittin here for...two hours and they’re still playin. This could go on all night and it probably will. I’ve had eight beers, three tequila shots and a shot of JD. I’m a little tipsy but not drunk enough. I can still hear her voice: ‘At least I didn’t spread my legs for half of Sunnydale you fucking whore!’ I so did not. She’s the whore, not me. Sex was nothin to me but gettin bouncy, it meant somethin to her and she slept with that Parker guy after knowin him for...well I don’t know for how long but they weren’t dating, that’s for sure. If sex means something to her then why did she get bouncy with that guy? Ok, so maybe I’ve slept with more guys then a girl should, but what’s the limit? Three, four, five? And what’s the girl limit for a guy? Twenty, fifty, a hundred? Fuck this, I’m goin to the bar. And I’m not going to think about her anymore. Fuck Buffy.


“Bottle a JD and make it snappy.” I tell Cliff and hop up on a stool. Why are these things so damn tall? Probably ‘cause the average height of the customers is six foot five. Oh well, I’ll deal with it. What is takin so fuckin long with that bottle? It shouldn’t take more then a couple seconds to walk a few steps to a shelf, grab a fuckin bottle and then walk over to the payin customer. This guy is lucky I haven’t killed him and his entire clientele. “Hurry the fuck up will ya?” I think he’s gettin mad. I watch as he grabs the bottle and brings it over to me. He sets it down on the bar but doesn’t take his hand off it. He better move that hand if he wants to keep it.


“I can’t just give you the entire bottle. Pay for it now or take shots like everyone else.” Fuck this guy. I should break his fuckin arm off right now. But I really don’t want to start a bar fight, at least not yet. I sigh and pull my wallet out of my jacket pocket. Let’s see if it’s fifty cents a shot and a shot is only like an ounce and a half, that should be....like ten bucks. “Twenty bucks, take it or leave it.” I look up at him like he’s crazy.


“Fuck you, it’s fifty cents a shot.” He pulls the bottle back and puts it on the little shelf under the bar. I glare at him and slam the twenty dollar bill on the bar. He smiles, showin off those nasty yellow teeth and takes the money then puts the bottle on top the bar. I twist the cap off and toss it behind me and take a long drink. God this shit tastes so fuckin good. I needed this so bad. I hold the bottle in my hands and stare at the label. I’ll have to send the good ol’ people in Lynchburg Tennessee my thanks for makin this stuff. I take another drink and close my eyes as the amber liquid runs down my throat. Burns a little but what’s the fun if it doesn’t hurt?


I look over to the poker door when I hear it open. The shark man walks out of the room with a large cage. The kittens are in there. Looks like he won ‘em all. He’s either that good or he cheated. I think it was the second one. I stand up off the stool and take another swig of my drink. I grab onto the bar, woe, almost fell. Maybe I’m drunker then I thought. Nah, I can still see straight so I’m not drunk just tipsy. I take a couple steps away from the bar and take another drink of the JD and then look at the shark guy. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything so ugly before in my life. And I’ve seen a lot of disgusting shit.


“Hey fuck-face.” ‘Fuck-face’? How lame am I? I am drunker then I thought. “You’re not gonna take those kittens with you. So why doncha just hand ‘em over nicely so I don’t hafta beat your ugly face in?” He doesn’t look too afraid. Doesn’t he know who I am? I’m Faith. Everyone should fear me. I killed two men with my bare hands, and a stake and knife. Ok so not so much my bare hands, but I still killed ‘em. Ok, enough talkin ‘bout that, it’s depressing. “You hear me you ugly motherfucker?” Now he’s pissed. There are vampires flanking him. Those must be his boys. I can take ‘em, I’m Faith remember? He laughs a couple a times and nods his head towards me. That must be the signal or somethin ‘cause now they’re both runnin towards me.


I throw the bottle of JD at one and it hits him right in the face and shatters. Some of the broken glass gets in his eyes and he scream in pain and covers his eyes with his hands. The second vamp rushes me and tackles me to the ground. He punches me a couple times in the face before I kick him off me and he flies ten feet back and lands on top of a table which breaks under his weight. Unfortunately a piece of wood stabs him through the back and turns to dust. Damn, I was really hoping to slay that guy myself. I walk up to the first vamp and punch him in the face and he staggers backwards. I pull out my stake and stick it though is chest. He screams again before he turns to dust. I look over at the shark guy. The cage of kittens is on the floor next to him and he’s clapping his hands.


“That was very impressive. It looks like I have a couple of openings. Could I interest you in a job? Pay is alright, a lot of fighting, mostly body guard work. I know how you slayers love your violence.” I glare at him and he holds his hands out in front of him like he’s surrendering or somethin. Yep, everyone’s afraid of me because I’m Faith. And you don’t fuck with Faith. “It was only a suggestion, no need to unleash your wrath. Take these as sort of a...consolation prize for staking my boys. They weren’t worth the trouble. Last time I hire someone without an audition.” He steps away from the cage and I pick it up by the handle and look at the bartender.


“Gimme another bottle a JD.” He looks at me like I just told him to torch the place. Jeez, what did I say that was so offensive? I can’t seem to do anything right nowadays. What the fuck ever I don’t need any of ‘em. Fuck everybody.


“Hell no. And get the fuck outta my bar.” I should kill him for sayin that but whatever. I need ta get these little guys someplace safe. Fuck I’ve gone soft. Then again I even back in my bad days I wouldn’t’ve let someone kill a bunch of kittens. They’re just babies, innocent to everything evil. It’d be fucked up to not save ‘em. So I leave. I find a liquor store and buy two bottles of JD ‘cause it’ll only cost me twenty-five bucks, so why the fuck not? I walk back to ‘slayer central’ and wander around for a bit. I think the kittens are sleepin or somethin ‘cause they’re not makin any noise. I know that demon didn’t kill ‘em ‘cause durnin the game he said he likes ‘em fresh. How fucked up and disgusting is that? Oh fuckin well. I have ‘em now so they’re pretty safe. As long as I don’t drop ‘em or nothin they’ll be fine. I find the wreck room of this place and walk inside. I have to break the lock to do it but whatever, I’ll buy another one. I set the cage down on the floor next to the table and I sit down. I put my feet up on the table and grab one of the bottles and open it up. I throw the cap across the room and take a long swig.


What went so wrong? That’s right, we came here. I hate this place. I used to like it, but now....It’s stressful tryin to get used to it. Used to everything, the different time zone, the new sleepin schedule, the fact that Addy’s been wakin up almost every half hour, and Mattie’s been a little cold. He’s ignorin us...bein...what’s it called? Resentful. He hates us for bringin him here. And I don’t blame him. If my parents packed me up and moved me across the country away from my friends, and after bringin a new baby home and havin to deal with that...I’d hate ‘em too. I get it though, we’re doin this for the greater good. But FUCK the greater good. We’ve been doin shit for the greater good our entire lives and we haven’t complained...much. If these people can’t get one slayer under control then they fuckin shouldn’t be doin this job at all. If they just pulled their heads outta their asses then I wouldn’t be sittin here right now. I look over at the door when I hear it open and in walks the little shit herself. I take another swig of my drink and she freezes in place.


“Didn’t know anyone was in here.” She sounds...afraid? Nah, she’s supposed to be a total badass remember? Looks like this kid isn’t as hard as everyone thinks. That’s just like them, to judge shit they don’t understand. I’m not sayin I know exactly what’s goin through her mind just ‘cause we both have shitty lives and I was a lot like her when I was that age, but at least I’m not expecting her to be a hardass like everyone else. They expect her to be defiant and mean and bitchy, they’re doin nothin but addin gas to the flames. You give a girl that this that kind of image and she’ll live up to it.


“It’s fine, don’t leave on a counta me. Take a seat, have a drink. Do whatever the fuck you want ‘cause I couldn’t care any fuckin less.” She nods her head and sits down across from me and sits exactly like I am. What am I her role model now? Is she goin to start doin exactly like I do ‘cause I’m the badass slayer? Maybe if I dress girly and mind my Ps and Qs and follow all of the rules she will to and I can get the fuck outta here. She grabs the other bottle of JD and tosses the cap on the table and takes a little sip then coughs. Hmm, she either doesn’t drink a lot or she can’t handle it. Must not be as tough as she wants everything to think.


“Heard the fight earlier. Why’d you leave? It’s your fucking house too, she shoulda left.” At least someone agrees with me. I sigh and take another drink but I don’t say anything. Maybe if I just sit here she’ll shut the fuck up. I don’t want say anything ‘cause I know I’ll loose my temper and I don’t wanna wake everyone up yellin at some teenager. She takes another sip and leans back in the chair. Why am I always the one to leave? I leave after every fight, I left for three months when we hated each other, why? Why did she leave? If she had such a fuckin problem with me, if she hated me that much why didn’t she just leave? I know her, she would have taken Mattie with her, but why didn’t she leave? Is it a territory thing? Did she want me to know that the house is hers, the kid is hers and without them I have nothin? Well it worked a little. Without Buffy I have no home, no one to love me like she can, but I’ll always have somethin, I’ll always have Mattie. Even when she kicked me out, even when she hated me so much she couldn’t stand the sight of me I still got him every weekend. I wanted more but she wouldn’t have it, said it wasn’t fair for him. Whatever. Selfish bitch wanted him all to herself. “What’s in the cage?” I look over at it and see one of the little suckers movin around. Maybe it’s hungry.


“Kittens. Save ‘em from a demon. You can have one if ya want.” She looks at me like I’m insane. Whatever, I don’t need any lip from a kid right now. If she wants to think that savin kittens isn’t a cool thing to do then she can, I don’t care. I don’t need to fuckin impress her. I just need to figure out what to do. Sure I need ta say sorry to B for some of the shit I said. The Angel thing and.........well that’s it. I don’t care if I offended her with the Spike thing. I’m not going to sugarcoat that for her. I never have before, why should I now? And she does think she’s better then everyone else. You’ve known her longer then I have, you know how she gets, right? That better then thou attitude that makes you wanna grab her by the shoulders and yell FUCK YOU, BITCH! SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH THAT SHIT ALREADY!!!! Yeah, that’s what I wanna do. Grab her and shake some sense into her.


“Ok, we need to talk.” Who is she, my mother? Then again, mother dearest was never up for a good heart to heart. She looks like she’s about to lecture me or somethin. I think she’s been hangin around these watcher for way too long. I need to get her outta this place for a few days, let her be a real slayer. Take her to New York, the back allies and shit. All those vamps, all that slayin.....it’s a slayer’s dream. It’s what we fuckin live for. At least I used to. “I know you like to backtalk, but just shut the fuck up for a few minutes, ok?” I raise an eyebrow at her. Who the fuck does she think she is? But she has balls, I’ll give her that. Gotta admire someone who’ll stand up to me like that, especially since I know she’s heard the ghost stories. Andrew started ‘em back at the house in Sunnydale. ‘Faith’s dangerous never turn your back on her’. Yeah, gotta love that guy, he’s great for spreadin the rep, and I’m not bein sarcastic.


“There’s no nice way to put this, Faith, so I’m just gonna fucking say it because someone has to. You’re whipped. Too whipped. Let’s make it simple, there’s pussy whipped, and then there’s you.” Ha, that’s funny. Has she done standup because she’s fuckin hilarious. I am not pussy whipped. “Don’t give me that fucking look. You are pussy whipped. It’s a disgrace. You’re a disgrace to all things female. If you had a fucking clue to what was goin on around you, you’d be back at the house takin care of your babies instead of sittin here with a cage of kittens, drinking Mr. Jack and listening to me spout off at the mouth. Watching you and how you act and how you let her treat you is fucking sickening. You’re a slayer for fuck’s safe, stand up and act like one!” She takes a long drink from the bottle and them puts it down on the table. “And yes I would like a kitten, thank you.” At least she has some manners. She gets up and opens up the cage door and takes a good look at ‘em.


Am I really that pussy whipped? I mean, I know that I’m the ‘guy’ of the relationship and most men are whipped by their girls but am I so whipped that it’s sickening? Now this is all I’m gonna be able to think about, way to go Lily, you’re a big fuckin help. Should I try to explain myself to her? Should I try to rationalize my actions over the last...however many years we’ve been together? I don’t know. She’s just a kid she doesn’t know what she’s talkin about. But then again....maybe...I can’t believe I’m even considering it. Fuck her. She doesn’t know me. She doesn’t know the first thing about me, where I’ve come from, what I’ve been through. I’m a murderer, I’m a mother, she doesn’t know anything about either of those things so FUCK her.


“A few years ago.” Just shut up. Don’t talk to her. You owe her nothing! “Me and B were fightin a lot. Got to the point where she hated me so much she wouldn’t even look at me. I slept on the couch ‘cause she needed her space and I didn’t wanna sleep next to her. I hated her so much. I wanted to leave every goddamn day but I couldn’t. I couldn’t just walk out on my kid no matter what she did I couldn’t do that.” Don’t cry you fuckin pussy. This is exactly what this little bitch is talkin about. God, why am I such a fuckin pussy all of a sudden? It’s the booze, it’s makin me emotional. “She kicked me out, I was gone for three....maybe four months. She hated me so much she wouldn’t even let me wait until our boy was sleepin. She made me pack my shit and go right in front of him. He was screamin and cryin and beggin me not to go.” Stop fucking crying!


“I only saw him on the weekends, she wouldn’t let me see him durnin the week, said it wasn’t fair that his schedule is so fucked up. We made up and everything was ok again, we love each other still, probably more then before, maybe not. But now it’s like I’m so afraid that she’s going to take him away from me, that she’ll just pack up and go and I won’t be able to find them, and I won’t see him anymore that I just go along with what she says. I leave so she won’t, I try an’ keep her happy ‘cause she’s my girl and so she won’t take him away from me. And now we have another, a little girl....I don’t know what I’d do if she took our kids from me. I just don’t know.” STOP CRYING! I can’t help it! At least they’re just tears, it’s not like I’m sobbin or nothin. She’s lookin at me like I’ve grown a second head. Not many people have seen me cry, she should feel honored. She reaches into the cage and pulls out another little cat and plops it into my lap.


“I’m not good with the hugging thing.” I look down at the little thing in my lap. Small, blonde with white on the chest, blue eyes and a really annoying meow. I’ve seen a blonde cat before. I don’t think it’s called blonde either....buff or somethin like that. Yeah, I think it’s called buff. It’s kinda like a really pale orange color. I hold the little thing up to my face and look into its little eyes. Its still sleepy and havin a hard time keepin ‘em open. She sits down at the table and takes another drink from her bottle. Hope the ‘superiors’ as she calls ‘em don’t get pissed at me for givin her booze. Then again, who cares? What they going to do, have me arrested? They need me too much to do somethin like that. “If you’re so unhappy, leave her. Pack your shit, grab your kids and get the fuck out. No use stickin around and bein unhappy. Sure you’ll hate it, you’ll hate yourself for takin ‘em, you’ll think you’re the world’s most horrible person for keeping your babies from their......one of their mothers, but you’ll get over it.” I sigh and take another drink. If only it where that simple.


“I love her too much. I’m not just with her for the kids. I love her. I asked her to marry me, and I still want that. I want to be with her, I want things to work out. I make it sound like livin with her is like a prison sentence, but it’s not. We’re good together, and she’s alright most of a time. I’m just the one who always leaves whenever we fight. I’m the one who’s made out to be the bitch ‘cause people still think I’m big bad Faith. Can’t turn your fuckin back on her for a second, she’s a killer, she hates the world. Well fuck that. No one really knows me, not like she does. I just get so fuckin sick of her shit. She started everything tonight. She was pissed off and kept pushing, and pushing, and pushing and there’s only so much I can take before I finally push back. I’m not a whore. I’m not a fuckin whore. Never have I called her a whore even when she deserved it. She tries to look like the victim in everything, well how she is gonna act like the victim when she went to that fuckin vampire every night and spread her legs for him? How she is gonna try to look so pure and innocent when she lets him fuck her so hard she bleeds? She knows I’m not gonna fall for her shit when it comes to that. And I shouldn’t. She’s the whore. Fuck her.” I drink the last mouth full of my drink and then throw the bottle across the room. It hits the wall and shatters. Enough talkin about me, I’m sick of it. I’m sick of all this shit. “So what’s your fuckin deal? Why are you actin like you’re hot shit?” She takes another swallow from her bottle and sets it down on the table.


“Just do.” What the fuck kind of answer is that? “Home life didn’t fuck me up. It was hell, sure, but it never bothered me. I had friends, I went to school, I did good. I was on the road to success, I guess.” Ha, that rhymed. I look down at the little blonde in my lap and pet under its chin. I wonder if it’s a boy or a girl. I look back up and raise an eyebrow at the girl sittin in front of me. This is hard for her, I can see the look in her eyes. She wants to run, or crawl inside herself. So that’s what that feeling looks like on the outside. Hmm, it’s looks kinda weird. A little sad, but weird.


“And? If you were doin so good what happened? Somethin must’ve fucked it up or else you wouldn’t be this badass slayer wannabe who’s always givin people shit.” She looks up at me and then down at the little kitten in her lap. I wonder which one she picked. Oh well. It doesn’t matter. I gotta find homes for all these little shits. I’ll do that later. I think if I stood up I’d fall down. Yeah, tomorrow sounds good to me. She sighs and runs a hand through her hair.


“And I met Mark. Mark Jefferies. Hottest boy to ever walk the fucking earth.” She takes another sip of the drink and runs her thumb along the rim of the bottle. I’m about to ask but she keeps talkin. She is like me, once you get her goin there’s no stoppin her. I hope she doesn’t start cryin ‘cause I’m not good at the huggin thing either, and she’s already holdin a cat. “We met at school, I bumped into him when he walked out of a classroom. He helped me pick up my books, it was like in those cheesey romantic movies. We started hanging out, then we started dating, and before I really knew what was happening I was packing my bags and sneaking out my bedroom window and jumping into his truck. We moved to Philadelphia. Lived in a motel, run down but it was nice because it was ours. We got by, I worked in a coffee shop, he worked at a car repair place. We had something going for us, we really thought we were gonna make it, ya know?” She starts gulpin the booze down until the bottle’s empty and she sets it down on the table.


“Everything was perfect.....until I got pregnant. He freaked, told me to get an abortion. Said he wasn’t gonna be a daddy at seventeen. I said ‘what the fuck about me? You think I wanna be a mom yet?’ He left that night, I never saw him again.” Huh? All I can think right now is......Huh? “Had a miscarriage a couple weeks later, too much stress, I guess.” Another rhyme, but it isn’t funny this time. “A couple days later that’s when that girl came and found me, said I was slayer, gave me the skinny on the history and all that shit. I’m bitter so everyone’ll stay away. I know they all think I’m a bitch, but it’s easier that way. Emotions are too.....stressful. I don’t need that.”


And there it is boys and girls. She’s mean because she’s lonely. She’s angry because she’s grieving. She may not know it but she’s mourning the death of that little life that was growin inside her. Even if it was only in her for a month or two she’s still mourning. I look at her and it’s like I’m seein her for the first time. Maybe it’s just the blurry vision from the booze, but she’s different. I’ve seen the softer side, the side that makes her tick. I understand a little about her...ok a lot about her. She looks....smaller. Physically smaller. Hmm, that’s weird. I think I’m wasted.


“It was a girl.” Huh? “After it came out....I just sat there for a couple a hours staring at it, at her. I was gonna have a little girl and that asshole took her from me. If he hadn’t left I wouldn’t have been as stressed and I’d have my little girl.” She starts sobbing...hard. My eyes are welling up a little bit but that’s all. What am I supposed to do? Hug her? Maybe. I get up and walk around to the other side of the table. I pick her up and then sit down in her chair and put her down on my lap. She wraps her arms around my neck and buries her face in my shoulder. Gross, she’s gettin tears and snot all over my fuckin shirt and neck. Gross. I rub her back and stroke her hair until she falls asleep, which takes all of fifteen minutes. Now what Faith? You can’t just leave her here. And she won’t let go. She’s out like a light but she won’t loosen that death grip. Guess we’ll both we sleepin on the couch tonight ‘cause she won’t come off. She’s stuck to me like a fly on honey. Hmm, that’s was a strange simile. Or is analogy? Hey, why is the floor in my face? Oh well, guess I’ll be sleepin here tonight ‘cause I can’t move. Mmmmmmmmmmmm, sleep is good.


BPOV


How dare she bring up Angel like that! How dare she! What the fuck was she thinking? Did she want to hurt me? Did she think ‘hey what jackassie thing can I say that’ll really sting her deep?’ Well it worked. That cut me so fuckin deep. She knows I feel bad about that. She knows I’d take it back if I could. She knows I’d never do it again. So why did she bring it up? Why? I called her a whore, so what? She’s slept with enough guys to qualify for the job. She stayed in a motel room while she was in Sunnydale, how do you think she got the money to pay for it? So she didn’t exactly prostitute herself off, like standing on a corner and that shit. She’s sleep with a guy and then take his wallet, but still, that’s fucking for money! That’s a whore! So now I’m the bitch because I told the truth? Well fuck that and FUCK HER!


She’s probably out getting fucked right now. On her back with a hard dick inside her. She’s moaning and groaning and closing her eyes and pretending it’s someone else. And in the morning she’ll regret it but she won’t apologize for it. She doesn’t think she has anything to be sorry about. She acts like she’s flawless. Well I have news for you, Faith, you’re not. You’re just as fucked up as the rest of us. She thinks that because she was abused and neglected and hurt by a lot of people it gives her this excuse to be the biggest bitch ever. Like she isn’t responsible for her actions and what comes out of her mouth. Well it doesn’t! My parents divorced, my mother died, I had to raise my sister by myself, I had to deal with Glory, I died and was ripped out of heaven but you don’t see me running around and getting all the sympathy I can, and using it as an excuse to be a bitch to the people I care about.


Why does she do this? She can make me feel so special, like I’m the most important person in the world and when she wants to she can make me feel like shit. Like I’m the scum of the earth, more immoral then the demons and vampires that sacrifice virgins and drink from little kids. I know things have been stressful because of moving here and I know that I haven’t been the most pleasant but did she have to say that? Did she have to bring up Angel and rub in it my face? Let’s dig it in real fuckin deep, ‘cause the look on her face is so fuckin hysterical! Well I hope she enjoyed it and I hope she’s having a great time sleeping in the snow. I hope she gets frost bite.


I know I probably sound like a lunatic, and a total bitch for being that way to her but you don’t understand. My day was horrible. It wasn’t just Matthew saying that he hates me. That was bad but it just....pushed me over the edge. There was so much bad stuff. Holly made another appearance. She actually had the nerve to say that she wants to do things to me that Faith never could, make me feel like no one ever can and if I want it I can come and get it. I punched her so hard in the face I think her cheekbone cracked. And then Giles called me into his office like I’m some high schooler, and sat me down and we had a long discussion about my wedding plans. He tried to convince me to move the date to what I originally wanted. He says it would be more practical, and I would enjoy it more. What does he know what I want? He doesn’t. I don’t care if it would be more practical, I want my wedding to be in the spring, and Faith agreed so it’s going to be in the spring. Faith hasn’t said anything to be about it. She wants to get married just as much as I do. She’d be crushed if I told her I wanted to wait after we both have our hearts set out on having the wedding soon.


Then again who knows? Maybe after tonight she won’t want to marry me. How could she say those awful things? How could someone who claims to love me then anything say such things to me? I’m getting tired of all of this. I’m so tired of crying, I’m tired of fighting, I’m tired of thinking that she doesn’t love me anymore. I know she does, if she didn’t she’d be gone by now. I know she wouldn’t stay with me just for the kids. We’d work something out in the way of custody but I know she wouldn’t stay with me if she wasn’t in love with me anymore. And it seems like I hate her, I’m always kicking her out of the house when we fight, but I don’t hate her. I kick her out because that’s how it works. The parents fight and the ‘dad’ leaves and the ‘mom’ stays behind and takes care of the kids. At least that’s how it worked in my house. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? I don’t even know anymore.


As much as I’m owed an apology I know I have a few things to be sorry for. I need to tell her sorry for saying those things to her, even if some of them are true. And I need to come clean about this Holly thing. It’s starting to bite me in the ass. I’m probably just being paranoid but I know if I don’t tell Faith what really happened she’ll find out about from one of the students, and if that happens it’ll start another fight. She’ll think that I’m keeping things from her and her trust is really hard to get in the first place, I don’t even want to think about how long it’d take to get it back. Probably forever.


I can’t believe that damn bitch doesn’t think I know she’s changed. Ok, that was a little mean, but she was acting like a bitch tonight. And I know she’s changed. If that were the old Faith we would have gotten into a physical fight, things would have been broken furniture and body parts included, and we’d probably break up. There’s no way the old Faith could be in a stable relationship because she was so unstable herself. How is she going to support a wife and two kids when she has so many issues to deal with? She wouldn’t be able to do it. I know she’s still a lot like her old self, sarcastic, loves the hunt, likes gettin down and dirty afterwards, but she’s different too. She’s responsible, she’s not as impulsive. She wont’ just jump into a manhole without knowing how many vampires are down there. She still has the ‘take no names’ attitude about slaying, but she’s....cautious. She has things to live for now so she isn’t going to be as risky.


Addison starts crying and I look over at the clock. It’s three-thirty in the morning. How much longer before she starts sleeping through the night? I try to get up but Matthew still has his death grip on me. As soon as I had slammed the door when she was looking up at me from her spot in the snow Matthew started screaming. He tried to follow her, he wanted to go with her, he didn’t want anything to do with me, but I held onto him even though he fought me most of the time. It took him a while but he finally cried himself to sleep and he hasn’t let go of me since. I gently untangle him fro m me and get out of the bed. I hope he doesn’t wake up again, he’ll just cry some more and he’ll want to leave to find her. I get the bottle and fill it with water, I put it in the microwave to heat it up. When it’s done I put in the right amount of formula and mix it up. She’s still crying in the other room. Maybe I should’ve brought her in here with me. I don’t know.


I go into the bedroom and carefully pick her up and then walk into the living room and sit down in the rocking chair. She’s still crying and she’ll keep crying until I put the bottle in her mouth. And....finally, silence. She gives me this little look like ‘it’s about damn time’. I smile and run the back of my index finger over her little cheek. I really hope things between me and Faith get better. I don’t know how, but I just hope they do. We’ll talk once we’ve cooled down and we’ll make up. But I swear if she ever brings up Angel like that....I don’t know what I’ll do, but it won’t be good, that’s for damn sure. She knows I’m over him, but I still love Angel. A part of me will always love Angel, and she just said something that horrible about it. ‘ Unlike the big mistake that was you fucking Angel’ How could she say that? It’s not like I fucked Angel just to get some like she got bouncy with all those boys. I made love to Angel, there was emotions involved, deep profound emotions. She just fucked because she was horny and needed to get rid of the ‘double h’s’.


“Your mother can be a real pain in the ass, do you know that?” She stops sucking on the bottle and looks at me like ‘tell me about it’. Or maybe that’s just wishful thinking. “What should I do baby-girl? I’m so mad at her right now, but at the same time I just want her to come home. What she said...well I can’t really talk about that because I’ll probably use some bad words and I don’t want you to hear that.” She starts sucking on the bottle again as she watches me closely. Well, at least my confusion is interesting for her. That’s a plus right? “But I was really mean too. I said some things that I probably shouldn’t have. Ok, I know I shouldn’t have. But she just made me so mad. How does she do that? With one look she can make me feel like the most important person in the world, and with another look she can make me feel like I need to run my fist through something. How does she do it?” My little girl gives me this look like ‘hell if I know’.


I wonder where Faith is. I wonder if she left the grounds or not. Well, ok I know she did. She always gets drunk after we have a huge fight like that. She needs to feel numb and alcohol makes her feel that way. And there’s booze on the campus so she had to leave. I wonder if she’s ok. I hope she found a safe place to stay. Maybe she’s still in some bar. A demon bar or something, they usually stay open until sunrise. I hope she doesn’t have any Jack Daniels. That stuff always makes her stupid. With beer it isn’t so bad because it isn’t as strong and our slayer metabolism gets rid of it pretty quick. But whiskey....I’m afraid she’s going to get too wasted and black out. If she blacks out and then she’ll probably get picked up by some strange guy and he’ll take her to a motel or back to his place or to the back of his car and take advantage of her. I really need to stop. I’m just going to worry for nothing. She’ll be ok. She has to be.


“Your mama will be back baby-girl, and everything will be ok again.” She opens her mouth and pushes the nipple of the bottle out of her mouth with her tongue. She’s finished now and she isn’t crying so she’s not hungry anymore. She’s gotten into the habit of eating two bottles at almost every feeding. Takes after Faith already. Then again it’s probably a slayer thing. Fast metabolism and all that. “I know things have been bad but they’ll get better. We’ll get that Lily girl back on track and then we’ll go home. How does that sound?” She grunts and coos and moves around a little as she gets comfortable. I pull her really close to me and give her a little kiss on the forehead and rub the tip of my nose against hers. She starts to whine, she sure is a whiney little thing, isn’t she? “Ok. I’ll stop. You’re just as bad as your aunt Dawn do you know that? You’re going to love your aunt Dawn when you’re older. She’s going to buy you all of the nicest clothes for no reason at all. You’re going to be her little doll. She’ll buy you the nice dresses and I’ll put you in them and we can have tea parties and play dress up, and when you’re older we’ll stay up late talking about boys, or girls whichever you want.” She gives me this look like ‘whatever’. I roll my eyes and she smiles. Already a brat, yep she’s just like Dawn.


“And it’s not like I meant to take my anger out on your mama, it’s just that...I feel a little guilty, ok really guilty about the Holly situation, and I was trying not to say anything about Holly so instead I said the exact wrong things. I got angry at her for no reason, all of the tension and stress yesterday just sort of channeled into the fight and I couldn’t help it. Next time I’ll just walk away. Yeah, right, since when do I ever keep my mouth shut? I destroyed a secret underground government operation by opening up my big mouth. It’s no use thinking about this now. She’ll come back and we’ll talk. And hopefully it’ll go better then I imagine it will. I hope she doesn’t come back with a hangover ‘cause that’ll just make everything so much harder. Your mama isn’t the easiest person to talk to when she’s hung over.” I sigh and she looks at me with this little look on her face like ‘and you’re telling me this because?’ Great, not even my baby cares about the distress I’m going through. Ok, so that was a little over dramatic but whatever. I could really use someone to talk to right about now.


I might as well stay up now. Addison isn’t going to be falling asleep any time soon. She’s starting to stay awake for longer periods of time, which is good because she’s sleeping longer now. I set her car seat on the table so it’s facing the kitchen and put her inside it and hook the straps just in case. I go into the kitchen and rummage through the fridge. I should go ahead and start making breakfast, I don’t know when Matthew is going to wake up but I can always heat the food up in the microwave if it gets cold. You know, I think I’ll wait. Breakfast is served at seven, might as well go to the cafeteria and eat there, that way I don’t have to cook while I’m having so many thoughts. I really don’t want to light this kitchen on fire. Even though when I lit my kitchen on fire it was totally not my fault. Nope, in no way was it my fault. Stop looking at me like that, it wasn’t my fault and no I’m not in denial. Ok, I’m done talking about that.


But what am I going to do until seven o’ clock? That’s like......two and a half hours away! Let’s see if it’s four thirty in the morning here in Cleveland then what time would it be in California? Um....well I’m not sure exactly but way too early to call Dawn and live, that’s for sure. If I called now and interrupted her precious beauty sleep she’d probably scream so high pitched that my head would explode. And my head going boom, and getting my brains over everything I’m thinking that’s a bad. I would go for a run but Faith isn’t here to watch the kids. Great, the dog’s whining. Better let him out for a few minutes. Ever since the fight last night I haven’t heard a peep out of him. I guess he knew that if he didn’t shut up I probably would have made him sleep outside and he probably would have frozen to death. He’s smart, I’ll give him that.


I have to admit, if only to you, that he is a pretty good dog. He’s great with the kids. I was really worried about how he was going to react to Addison because he’s never been around little babies. Toddlers and crawlers yes, but never newborns. And I don’t know if he’s afraid of Addison or he just wants to give her space, but he doesn’t go anywhere near her. He’s always been really good with Matthew, but he’s been around Matthew since he was a puppy so he’s used to him and everything he dished out. The ear pulling, tail tugging, fur grabbing and Matthew sometimes uses him as a pillow when he watches T.V., it’s really cute to see. But those cute moments just don’t make up for how annoying that dog can be. And it’s gotten so much worst since we’ve moved here because of the hellmouth.


I let him back in the house and Addison starts to cry. I guess she’s feeling a little ignored. Tucker follows me as I walk over to the table and unhook the straps of the car seat and pick my little girl up. She stops crying and looks up at me like ‘and where the hell were you?’ There’s only one other person who can give me that kind of look with so much attitude. I think Dawn will be proud that her niece already has all of her aunt’s trademark looks and she’s two months old. I sit down on the couch and cradle her in my arms. Her eyes are turning a little lighter. Now they have a little bit of green in them. The little girl I saw in my dream had greenish brown eyes, maybe Addison really is that little girl. I’m still not fully convinced that the dream was a premonition or something. It could have been a slayer dream, maybe Addison really is that little dark headed girl, with greenish brown eyes, and dimples taunting her brother while they played baseball in the backyard, and then leaned up against Faith as she unloaded the picnic basket. Maybe that really was her. And maybe Faith will finally be open to the idea of a picnic.


We’ve been together for nine years and we’ve gone on three maybe four picnics. I love going on them, she doesn’t. If I call it ‘lunch in the park’ or ‘dinner on the roof’ then she’s a little more willing, but if I say the word picnic we usually end up fighting a little and I have to do some serious pouting to get her to go. And we’re talking full on pouting, with tears and sniffling, and the bottom lip sticking out so far you could balance a quarter on it. And she’ll go because she wants to make me happy but she doesn’t have a very good time. She won’t tell me exactly why she doesn’t like them, but I know it has something to do with the mayor. I’m not sure what, or how I know, I just do. I have this good gut feeling that it has something to do with him. I tried to get her to explain her relationship with him to me. She just said that he was her boss, and she was just being a good employee, but I know it’s more then that. He wouldn’t have cared so much about her if she were nothing more then an employee. Allan was just an employee, and the mayor didn’t shed a tear or even have a mournful frown when he found out about that.


Finally seven rolls around. I have the kids dressed in really warms clothes. Matthew is in jeans, with two layers of socks, his Vanz sneakers, a long sleeved shirt, a sweatshirt, and then a jacket. Addy is in a dark blue onesie, pink sweats, a thick beanie, three pairs of socks, some gloves that she keeps taking off, and she’s wrapped up in four blankets. It’s a five-minute walk to the cafeteria and most of it is outside, I really don’t want her getting sick because I’m too distracted to cook. So we get to the cafeteria without any incidents or anything. And this place is pretty crowded. Sure there are plenty of empty tables but because everyone’s voice is echoing off the walls it sounds like there are a lot more people in here then there really are.


I help Matthew with his tray because he’s too short to reach the food. I get him a stack of pancakes with lots and lots of syrup, and some bacon, and a container of milk. I on the other hand get some toast, with bacon, and three eggs over easy and a glass of orange juice. I find a table to sit down at. There are some students already at one end of it, at the very end there are about seven girls, and then more towards the middle there are six girls, three on each side, and we are sitting about five feet away from those girls. I put the car seat containing the precious cargo on top of the table as I start to eat my breakfast, and hey, why not eavesdrop? How else am I gonna find out what’s really going on around this place? One girl seems to be telling an interesting story ‘cause the other five are leaning in pretty close to listen to her hushed voice.


“So this morning Carrie walks by the wreck room and sees them lying in there, completely wrapped around each other and they’re passed out. She found two empty bottles of Jack Daniels and a cage full of kittens.” What the fuck? “But the thing is, she didn’t just drink the Jack herself, she gave an entire bottle to ‘her majesty’.” She quiet as the other five let this info sink in. There are a couple of ‘no way’-s. “Oh yeah. And now they’re both in Mr. Giles office while he calls an emergency staff meeting to try and figure out how to handle the situation. Lily’s most likely going to get expelled, that’s a given, but they don’t know about her. She is an adult after all, giving alcohol to someone underage, although very cool, still illegal. They’re afraid if everyone else’s parents find out about this they’ll start pulling their kids out of this place and the next generation of slayers will be ill prepared or something.” The way this girl is talking, the sound of her voice, reminds me of Louise from Gilmore Girls. So not the important thing here. Who the fuck are they talking about? They could be talking about an intern, there are plenty of interns that are over the drinking age.


“But why would she give Lily a whole bottle of Jack Daniels? I know she’s supposed to be this bad ass, against the law type person but I heard she’s pretty responsible when it comes to us.” Good point to the one that sounds like Madeline from Gilmore Girls. I’m expecting a little Paris sounding one to start yelling at them harshly about the political ramifications of this or something. I’m on edge as I wait for the answer.


“Well, you heard the fight last night right?” Out of the corner of my eye I see all five of them nod their heads. So much for that not getting around the school. I really hope I don’t hear a lot of gossip today, because I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it. And I don’t want Matthew listening to this kind of crap.


“Yeah, that was pretty intense. Mr. Giles was getting ready to go out there and break it up. He even got the tranquilizers.” Just in case a slayer does decide to try and hurt a member of the staff, it’s procedure that tranquilizers be kept on the campus and only used by the authorized faculty members. And if that type of situation did happen then the other slayers would be obligated to hold down the rebellious slayer until a staff member arrives with the drugs. I can’t believe Giles was thinking about using those on us. Then again he was probably just taking some for his safety. A very angry slayer is a very dangerous slayer. So last night we were both very dangerous.


“Yeah, well when she got kicked out she asked Stacy, Melinda, and Brooke for directions to a bar. Apparently she went there and got totally hammered, somehow got a cage of kittens and then staggered around town until she found a liquor store. She broke into the wreck room, and you know how Lily likes to go there at night to get away from her roommate. So the two started talking, and Lily ended up drinking an entire bottle of Jack Daniels. Mr. Giles was furious. One of the teachers thought he was going to have a stroke or heart attack or something.” I cannot believe I found out about all of this through the gossip grapevine in the cafeteria. Why didn’t Giles come to me about this? Why didn’t he tell me that Faith was passed out and had given a minor alcohol? If Faith was binging then she could have alcohol poisoning, or thrown up in her sleep and died. Why did nobody tell me?


“Has anyone even mentioned it to the other one yet?” Wow, it’s really good to know that here are the slayer training facility where we do our best to give these girls a great education as well as meeting all of their slayer needs they don’t even refer to me and Faith by name. Ok, time to pay attention now. They are talking about what I really want to know.


“Not yet. Mr. Giles knows she’s going to be pissed. He’s going to call her in to his office when the staff meeting gets over with. Rumor has it he’s having some of the inters stay in the room with him, one of them will be holding the tranquilizer gun just in case she flips out. After that fight last night it’s clearly obvious that there’s something wrong with that one. Some of those things she said…well if I were Faith I wouldn’t have been the one out in the cold that’s for damn sure.” The bell rings and they get up and leave and put their trays on the counter for the kitchen staff to clean up. She thinks I have something wrong with me? There is nothing wrong with me. I had a bad day, and sure I took it out on Faith and I feel bad about it, but there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m fine.


“Mom, what were those girls talking about?” Matthew asks. Great, how am I going to explain this? How do you explain to a six-year-old that his other mom could be brought up for criminal charges for giving alcohol to a minor, and that she did it because she was already drunk, and she was already drunk to become emotionally numb because her finance just couldn’t shut her fucking mouth? How am I supposed to explain that to him?


“Nothing baby, they were just telling stories.” There, sounds good enough for me. I don’t like lying to him, I feel bad about it, but it’s for his own good. He doesn’t need to know that Faith is probably in a lot of trouble right now. If he knows that she could go to jail and never be allowed back here then he’d just get upset, and want to find her. And I don’t know if I can face her right now. Not so soon after the fight and not with her so hung over. If she had an entire bottle of Jack Daniels and she was drunk before that then she’s going to be very bitchy and even bitchier because she did something stupid while she was drunk. And she’s probably still pissed at me for kicking her out.


“Where’s Mama? When is she coming back? How come she’s gone? Why did you say mean things to her last night? Why where you fighting?” And here comes another round of twenty questions. He always does this after me and Faith have a fight and he hears it. He wants to know everything that happened and why it happened and what we’re going to do fix it. I swear he’s going to grow up to be a marriage counselor. He wants to help and make it all better, but he’s only six there’s not much he can do because he doesn’t understand everything. He doesn’t understand that saying sorry doesn’t fix everything.


“I don’t know where she is. I don’t know when she’s coming back. Matthew let’s not talk about this ok? Just eat your breakfast and I’ll let you train with one of the girls, ok?” He sighs. He wants to ask more but he knows I’m not going to budge on the subject. He may ask why, and how come but it’s rare that I tell him why we were fighting. Maybe when he’s older but he’s only six, I don’t want to upset him or anything. I sigh, maybe it is time I start letting him in a little. He’s old enough to understand some stuff. He’s pretty sharp for a little kid. So as long as I keep it simple he should be able to understand the gist of it. “Matthew...” Ok, I can do this. I can explain it in a very simple way. Not everything has to be complicated. I just make it that way. I am Buffy, the masochistic slayer. “We were fighting because I was in a really bad mood. And...because I was in a bad mood I said some things that were mean, and we started fighting.” There, that pretty much covers it. Wow, I really am the bitch of this situation. Faith needs to apologize for the Angel thing, no question about that, but I have so much more to be sorry for.


“But why did she leave?” Oh boy, how do I explain this one? Ok, so far honesty has been the best policy. I think he should know the truth on this one too. I don’t want him thinking that Faith just left. I’m surprised he still remembers her leaving last time. He was three, shouldn’t he have forgotten by now? Ok, I’m stalling, I know that. I sigh and take a little sip of my juice.


“She didn’t want to leave. She said something really bad...something that hurt my feelings a lot, and I didn’t want her in the house anymore, so I made her leave.” As long as I don’t look at him then I won’t see that angry, confused, and sad look on his face. Nope, I can’t see it because I’m staring straight ahead now. Even if I can see him looking at me though the corner of my eye and I can feel how hurt he is I’m not going to look. Nope, not looking.


“What did she say?” This is where I would really like the conversation to end, but I think we’re bonding a little more by me opening up a little. I’ll draw a line somewhere but so far we’re sailing in calm waters. As long as I don’t explain every single little thing about it I should be able to answer this question to. Ok, so here I go, answering his question. Yep, any second now..........I will answer this question........Don’t look at me like that, I’m not a coward. Well maybe just a little, but only because I’m still trying to think of a way to answer it. Alright, I think I got it. I turn in my seat so I can face him completely. He puts his fork down and does the same. I take one of his little hands in mine and into his dark brown eyes.


“Do you remember that man named Angel, who came to visit us at home?” He nods his head really slowly. I sigh, how am I supposed to explain this to him? I thought I had a plan but all those words are gone. They left as soon as I opened my mouth. Now what am I supposed to say? “Well, a really long time ago Angel and I...we dated.” His eyebrows furrow at that. We’ve never talked about our past with him. At least not this kind of stuff. He knows that we used to live in Sunnydale and we fought vampires and I met Willow and Xander in high school but I haven’t told him about Angel, or Riley, and definitely not about Parker or Spike. He doesn’t need to know that stuff. He thinks me and Faith have been together forever. “And we loved each other very much, but then something bad happened and we had to break up. And we’re still good friends, and I don’t want you to be mad at Angel ok? I met him before I met your mama. Do you understand what I’m saying?” He thinks about it for a minute or two and then nods his head.


“You an’ Angel were sweethearts.” I love that he says that, it’s so cute. I should let him watch more Walt Disney movies, maybe he’ll start saying more cute sayings. I’ll think about that later though. Serious conversation going on here, I should probably concentrate on that. “But what did Mama say that hurt your feelings?” And now for the hard part. Ok, what do I say now? I can’t tell him that I slept with Angel and he killed people, he won’t understand any of that. He won’t understand that Angel is good again.


“Well, Mama doesn’t like that Angel and I were sweethearts. She gets mad when she thinks about it, and last night when we were fighting she said something really mean about it. And it hurt me a lot. I love your mama with everything, but I still care about Angel, and what she said hurt my feelings really bad. You understand?” I watch as he digests what I’ve said. I don’t think I’m explaining this very well. I’m doing the best I can though. It’s not like I can tell him that I made love with Angel and then he lost his soul and killed people and then Faith threw that in my face last night. I can’t tell him any of that.


“But what did she say?” he’s getting frustrated because I won’t tell him exactly what she said. And I’m not going to. I can’t say that to him, it’s horrible and totally inappropriate, he’s only six. And he knows that when an adult uses ‘bad words’ when they’re fighting that means they’re really angry, and he gets a little upset whenever Faith and I cuss at each other, and not only when we fight. And I don’t want him mad at Faith, and if I tell him what she said he’ll be pretty pissed at her. I sigh and give his hand a gentle squeeze before I let go and turn in my seat so I’m facing forward. I pick up my fork and cut off a little piece of waffle.


“I can’t tell you, baby, it’s bad. Finish your breakfast, sweetie, and then we’ll go train ok?” He sighs and nods his head. He turns in his seat and picks up his fork but he doesn’t really eat. He just sort of pushes the food around the plate for a little while. He’ll take a bite every once in a while but that’s about it. I remember when Faith moved out for those three or four months, he wouldn’t eat hardly a thing. He’d have two or three bites and then say he was done. He missed her so much and he was so sad all the time and he lost a few pounds. His doctor had me give him vitamins so he get the nutrition that he needed. “What are you thinking?” He sighs puts his fork down. He takes a little sip of his milk and stares at the little picture on the side of the carton.


“I want Mama to come back. She should say sorry and you can stop fighting. I don’t like it when you fight. It makes me sad.” Same here, baby. Same here. “We should go find her. Mom, let’s go find her.” Great, now he’s all determined. I sigh and run my fingers through is hair. I know he probably isn’t going to agree with me, but I have to tell him no. She’s in Giles’ office right now with a really bad hangover, I don’t want him around her when she’s like that. He doesn’t need to see it. He looks up to her so much, he doesn’t need to see her when she’s in a really bitchy mood and looking like crap.


“No, sweetie. She’ll come back when she’s cooled down. She might still be mad, we just need to give her some space, ok?” He silently nods his head and takes another drink of his milk. I miss her so much now. Now that I know where she is I just want to go to her, but I can’t. I have to watch the kids and she probably doesn’t want to see me. If she wanted to come find me then she would. No one can tell her what to do when she’s really determined to do something. Not even Giles has that kind of power. I’ll go see her in a little while. I can get Sissy to watch the little ones and I’ll find out what the hell is going on. She could go to jail if she really did give Lily that alcohol. It could also be just one big misunderstanding. Lily is a troublemaker, maybe she brought her own bottle. I would also really like to know what the hell she was doing with a cage full of kittens. Because that sounds too stupid to be made up.


FPOV


So, let me give you a little recap of what’s been going on in the world of Faith. Last night I got into a huge fight with B, said something completely retarded, got kicked out, did a little bit of slaying, and then got completely wasted. I remember there being some demon and then something about some kittens, which I stole from him. Then I wondered around the town, bought some JD, came back here, got even more wasted, and then had a little heart to heart with a teenager, and then passed out. But all of that you already know. Let’s go over what happened this morning, shall we?


I woke up layin on top of Lily. I don’t know how the hell we got in that position, but it wasn’t comfortable. I had the biggest hangover in the history of all hangovers. There was a kitten sleepin on top of my ass, he looked pretty comfortable too. I booked it to the bathroom and puked my fucking guts out and then laid down on the floor for a little while. And then Giles comes in, huffin and puffin for givin the kid some booze. All I did was offer, she didn’t have to drink it. Apparently that wasn’t a good enough answer because now I’m sittin in his office starin at the wooden name tag that’s on his desk. The letters are gold and really shinny. R. Giles - Headmaster. That’s what it says. And there are so many jokes I’d be makin if it weren’t for this hangover.


Sitting about four feet away from me is Lily. She hasn’t said a word since we were brought in here. All she’s doin in slouchin in her chair and pettin the little gray kitten that’s sleepin in her lap. Giles tried to take it from her this morning but she wouldn’t let him within three feet of her. I told him just to forget it, that we should just get this done and over with. So we were escorted to his office and waitin for that fucking staff meeting to get over with. I shouldn’t have to sit here like I’m a student. That’s what I feel like though. This is a total flash back from before I dropped outta high school and was always gettin called to the principal’s office. At least when I bothered to show up. I can’t believe I let the kid drink a whole bottle of JD. Who does that? Even if I was drunk I should’ve known better. I’m supposed to be a fuckin adult, I really need to act like it.


I still can’t fuckin believe how B was actin last night. She probably had a really bad day but did she have to take it out on me? No fuckin way! Sure I may not be the easiest person to live with, but I don’t deserve to be treated like that. I’ve been with her for almost nine years, I’ve supported her through some tough shit, I gave her two beautiful little babies, and I help keep her from going insane, you’d think she’d at least be a little grateful or something. I mean, you’d think she wouldn’t bring up the past like that. Ok, so I was the one who brought up Spike, which lead to a whole bunch of the shit, but I was just tellin the truth. I’ve never been a whore. A little slutty maybe, but never a whore. Ok, so I needed the rent money, and so ONE time I stole some out of a guy’s wallet. But that was only once! And it was only like ten bucks. Enough talking about this, it’s gettin irritating.


I’ve been sittin in this damn office for two hours now. I swear if Giles doesn’t come back soon I’m just gonna leave. Go home, get a shower, take some aspirin, and go to bed. Sounds like a fuckin plan to me. If B wants to talk then she’ll have to wait ‘cause my head hurts too fuckin bad to listen to anything she’d have to say. That’s just the way it is. And if she doesn’t like it then she can fuckin leave ‘cause I’m tired of being the one thrown out on my ass. But she’ll probably keep bothering me, keep pushing until I finally snap back and we’ll start fighting again. So, I think maybe I’ll just stay here. Sitting in this fuckin office sounds much better then fighting with Buffy. But I’ve been in here long enough. Are they talkin about how they’re gonna kill me or somethin? Nah, Giles wouldn’t do that. Would he? Finally the door is opening! I was about to get the hell outta here. He sits down at his desk and gives me a look that could kill a cat.


“Lily, will you please step outside for a few minutes? I’ll call you in when I’m ready for you. Thank you.” His eyes never left mine. She gets up and leaves without a word. When the door closes I hear three or four girls squeal and start talkin baby talk to the kitten. I roll my eyes. Girls are strange. “She’s going to have to give up that cat, you know. We don’t allow pets here. This is a school, not a zoo.” I try as hard as I can not to roll my eyes. I sit up straight in my chair, which is not only strange for me to do but also really fuckin hard since all my head wants to do is be lyin on somethin.


“You’re not takin that cat from her. She’s keepin it.” He gives me this questioning look, like I’m insane for dare defying him. But whatever. After last night’s little girl talk session I now know some important things about Lily and I know that she really needs somethin to love. That cat is probably the best thing for her right now. “I know you have the no pet policy or whatever, but last night she told me some stuff, about her past. Now I can’t tell you what she said ‘cause I’m pretty sure she doesn’t want that shit spread around, but she needs that cat. And you can try to take it from her, but I really wouldn’t recommend it.” He gets this look on his face, a mix of annoyance, anger, and surprise.


“Are you threatening me?” I pretend to think about it. I probably shouldn’t be such a smart ass to him right now considering he could have my ass thrown in jail but whatever. I’m in a bad mood, hungover, and I really don’t feel like putting up with this shit. I’m surprised I’m still sittin here instead of finding some place to sleep. Maybe Holly will let me crash on her couch for a while. I mean, she seemed pretty cool when I met her, kept lookin at me like she knows somethin I don’t, but still cool.


“Yeah, I guess I am.” He nods his head slowly and then presses the little button on the phone and asks his secretary to bring him some tea. “So are you gonna have me arrested or not, ‘cause I really wanna get the hell outta here if you’re not.” He’s quiet as he watches me. Well, this is uncomfortable. His assistant brings in the cup of tea and hands it to him. She gives me this look like ‘what the hell is wrong with you?’ Gotta say I’m not surprised to see it. He takes a sip and then stirs it with the spoon a little before setting it down on his desk.


“No. Since Lily was a run-away when we found her I had Willow switch her guardianship to me, and since this is the first and only time this will happen I’ll not be pressing charges. But let me assure you that if anything like this ever happens again I will have you arrested. This is a school full of minors. If word gets out about this we could lose our credibility and be shut down. The parents could pull their children out and how are they going to learn to be slayers then? We don’t have enough members to be sending out watchers to train them. That’s the reason we built this facility in the first place. I will not tolerate this type of behavior again.


“I understand that you needed to...unwind after that fight with Buffy, but you do it somewhere else. There are plenty of hotels in this city that you could have gone to intoxicated and they would have rented you a room. You could have called me and I would have let you say in one of the apartments here. But to break into the wreck room and then give an entire bottle of alcohol to a student....” He takes another sip of his tea and stares into the cup for a few minutes. Then he sets it down and looks into my eyes. He isn’t as mad as before, just concerned. Well that’s a first. “This is probably not my place in asking, but what were you two arguing about?” I sigh and close my eyes. I really don’t want to talk about it anymore.


“She had a shitty day and took it out on me. I said something that was pretty fucked up and she threw me out. I’ve had a really shitty night, and today isn’t lookin good either, so can I go now if you’re done with the lecture?” He nods his head and then takes a sip of his tea. I remember that he’s gonna talk to Lily right after I leave. So instead of walkin out right away I stand up and look into his eyes, which is pretty rare I guess. “Go easy on her alright? I think now that she talked to someone ‘bout what’s happened to her she’ll do a little better. And let her keep the cat, it’ll be good for her. Like therapy or somethin.” He thinks about what I said and nods his head. As I’m walking towards the door he says...


“The code for my apartment is 6216 if you don’t feel like going home just yet. You can sleep in my bed if you like. Or the couch, whichever you’re more comfortable with.” I smile at him and I leave. I see her sitting in a chair that’s across from the assistance’s desk. The kitten is in her lap and it’s playin with her fingers as she wiggles ‘em around. I smile and leave the room. As I’m walkin down the halls I notice that all the girls are staring at me as I pass, and they start to whisper. Great, not only did I have a huge fight with B, and have a wicked painful hangover, I got the entire school talkin about me. This is like a nightmare or somethin. I wish it were just a nightmare, ‘cause then I could wake up and get some sympathy sex from Buffy, her way of trying to ‘make it all better’. I sigh and head towards G-man’s apartment. I think it’s a little weird that the faculty apartments have codes and not keys. But I guess it’s better this way. This way they won’t lose the keys and have someone break in.


And the apartment looks a lot like is his old place in Sunnydale. There’s no way this a coincidence, he set this up on purpose. I don’t think any of the other rooms have fireplaces. This is just too weird, like deja vu or something. I thought that it looked kinda...boring before. It’s not like I used to hang out at his place often, but I’ve been there a couple times. Before and after I stole B’s body, maybe once or twice before the coma and the teaming up with the mayor thing. But now that I’ve changed it seems kinda...homey. Comfortable, and warm. I could myself livin here with B and the kids. Curling up on the couch with some hot chocolate, and Buffy next to me with Mattie her lap, Addie in mine as we watch some cheesy Christmas flick on the T.V. That sounds pretty nice. I know it sounds....I don’t know...a little housewife-ish, but it does sound really nice. Ok, sleep would be really nice since I think the ceiling is just moved. Yeah, sleep sounds perfect.


“Ah, I see you’ve taken the couch.” I hear Giles say as he opens the front door and walks into the living room. What the fuck? One minute I’m lyin on the couch, starin at the ceiling tryin not to think but it wasn’t working so well. I would be starin up at the white paint, my mind completely blank and then I’d start thinkin about Buffy. What is she doing? Does she miss me? How are the kids? Has she talked to Mattie about the fight? Has anyone asked her about the fight? Has she knocked out any of the little slayers? And I’d catch myself a few minutes into the thoughts and make my mind go blank again. And now I’m on my stomach and there’s drool all over the little throw pillow. Must’ve fallen asleep.


“What time is it?” I ask as I yawn and stretch out. I wanted to sleep but not for this long. I think it’s dark outside, but I’m not sure. If I concentrate really hard I would be able to tell. Slayer instinct and all but I’m still too tired for that. I roll over onto my back and look at him. It’s kinda hard ‘cause my vision is all blurry from sleep. And horrible sleep at that. My back feels like it’s twisting in three directions and my ass is asleep. How is my ass asleep when I was lyin on my stomach? I guess it’s one of those little mysteries of life that’ll never be answered. Like how do they get the water and the oil to mix together when they make mayonnaise? These are just two things we will never know.


“It’s half passed seven. I assume you’re hungry? I was going to make some dinner, if you want to join me. It’d be nice to have some company for a change.” Poor Giles. He seems so lonely, which is weird ‘cause this place has plenty of people. Normally I’d make a sarcastic remark right about now, ‘bout him askin me to dinner. Ya know, somethin like ‘why Giles, are you askin me on a date? I am engaged ya know’. But he didn’t have me thrown in jail and he let me sleep at his place so I better show some gratitude, and by that I mean I’ll keep all sarcasm to myself. At least for now.


“Sure, food sounds good. I’ll help in a minute.” Before he can be all polite and say that I’m the guest so I don’t have to cook, I’m in the bathroom and puking my fuckin guts out. Way too much Jack last night. Ok, so maybe it was the mix of Jack and beer. I usually don’t drink two different things ‘cause you never know what ungodly shit is gonna come outta ya the next morning. But I thought I had puked it all up this morning, so this is a big surprise. I feel better now that I got all of that shit outta me. I wonder if it has to do more with the stress of everything or the alcohol. I mean, I threw up this morning, that shoulda taken care of the drinks.


But all this shit that’s been goin on, the moving, taking care of a baby and a six-year-old, trying to adjust to this new place, tryin to help B with the slayers, tryin to deal with B...I think she was right, I think maybe things would be easier if I went back to California. What the fuck am I saying? God, I’m such an ass. Things would be worst in Cali. So fuckin worst. We’d be missin each other and all that, I’d probably still feel...abandoned. I know, it’s girly and really dumb, but that’s how I felt. She just left me with our kids, only callin once a day, sending e-mails every once in a while. And with all the hormones ‘cause of the birthing thing I felt left behind. We’ll get over this fight and things will be better. She’ll apologize, I’ll apologize, we’ll have some wicked great make up sex and this’ll be another thing of the past. Ah, make up sex with B.....it’s always a wonderful thing.


So I go into the kitchen and Giles already has everything all set up, it just needs to cook. He sends me out of the kitchen, sayin that he has everything under control, so I go sit on the couch. I feel like shit and if he insists on doin it himself I might as well let him. It’s not like I didn’t offer. At least I tried. I have no idea how long I should stay away. I know it’s my house too so don’t start in on me, but we both need some time to cool off, I guess. If to go back too soon we’ll fight again and I might go back to California. She’ll hate me for it because there’s no way I’d leave without my kids. And she’d hate me for taking them, but I just don’t think I can handle anymore fighting right now. And it’s not just ‘cause of the hangover and I’d rather be curled up in a really dark place right now. I just don’t think I could handle the stress. Listen to me, talking about running away again. I guess I haven’t changed as much as I thought. Things get stressful and I wanna run away from the problem. Oh yeah, I’ve definitely rid myself of that old image I used to have. That was sarcastic.


I have no idea what I’m gonna do. If we can’t get this thing worked out soon then I guess I’ll stay in one of the faculty apartments. They have a couple of empty ones and I’m sure Giles won’t mind if I snag one. I’d love to think that I’ll go back there and everything will be fine. But the reality of the situation is that we need to apologize, and we’re both stubborn. B’s the most stubborn person I’ve ever met, and I’m not apologizing until she does. So where does that leave us? There’s no way I’m swallowin my pride and sayin I’m sorry first. She started all this shit and sure I said some fucked up things, but so did. At least mine were true. She was goin on and on about how I was a whore, never happened. Her fuckin Angel and hell followin shortly after, that happened. Her fuckin Spike to deal with her emotions, that happened. Me sayin I’m sorry before, her not gonna fuckin happen.


“Alright, here you are,” Giles says and hands me a plate jam packed with food and a fork. I give him a small smile and he sits in the chair closest to the couch. He takes a couple of bites off his plate. I take a bite and chew real slow as I think. I still can’t believe everything that’s happened. Not just this stupid fight, not just coming here, but everything. My life, before and after goin to Sunnydale. Before and after wakin up from that coma. Before and after goin to prison. Before and after breakin out to save Angel and then goin back to Sunnydale. Before and after the town I used to hate went boom. Before and after me and B got together. God those were some good times.


In the beginning when everything was new. You notice every little thing about the other person ‘cause you want to remember everything after you leave to go home by yourself. You try to memorize the sound of their voice so at night when before you go to sleep you can pretend that they’re there with you telling you goodnight. And you wait for the right moment to say those three little words that they wanna hear so badly, but you’re scared as hell to say ‘em. I remember it perfect. You might wanna run and get some popcorn ‘cause I’m going to a flashback. You ready?............Got everything you’re gonna need?......Are you sure?.......Ok, I’ll get to it then..................Are you sure you don’t wanna run to the bathroom or somethin real quick? Alright! God, I’ll just get on with it. No need to fuckin shout. Show some patience for fuck’s sake.

(flashback to many years ago)

Me and B are goin on a picnic tonight. Ok, so she didn’t call it a picnic ‘cause she knows I have issues with that word. It’s cold out tonight so we gotta dress a little warmer then normal. I’m in jeans, a t-shirt with a black hooded sweatshirt that’s one size too big. I like my sweatshirts baggy, I don’t know why since I like everything else skin tight. I’m supposed to meet her up on the roof. We’re still livin in this shitty apartment building. The super is never around or else I’d kick his ass until he fixes the heat. It’s so fuckin cold here at night, especially when the sky is clear. It’s like the clouds make a blanket and keep everything a little warmer. Fuckin clear nights, they piss me off. I do like somethin about it. When the sky is clear in this town, it’s really crystal clear and you can see billions of stars. I’ve always kinda liked lookin up at ‘em. Ok, enough with the girly shit, I need to get outta here.


I grab the blanket, she’s bringing the food. We’re meetin on top of the roof. And trust me I can smell the irony. Last time me and B were on an apartment roof together I got myself stabbed and put in a coma. I wonder how tonight will turn out. Things have been goin pretty great between us if you ask me. We haven’t tried to kill each other, which is surprising to everyone around us, and we’ve already made with the lovin a couple times. It’s not like I was expecting her to turn into a nympho or somethin after bein with me, but more then once a week would be nice. But B doesn’t want all of our time together to be us fuckin. She doesn’t want this great thing we got goin to turn into somethin only sexual. And I get that but still, I got needs, ya know? And I’m tryin real hard to be loyal but when you’re in a town full of hot babes just beggin for a good time it’s really hard to say no. But I do even though I get plenty of offers every day. From both the boys and the girls.


“Jeez, Faith, what took you so long? I’ve been up here for almost ten minutes,” she says as I open the door that leads to the roof. I smile ‘cause I know she’s teasin. She likes to give me a hard time about the fact that I’m ten minutes late everywhere I go no matter how hard I try to be on time. But whatever. “Oh good, you brought the bunny blanket. I was hoping you’d bring it.” The thing about this blanket, not only is it really warm and soft and good to use to fight off the harsh bite this town’s air has to offer, but it’s pink and covered in little white bunnies. I only like it ‘cause it keeps me warm, Buffy likes it ‘cause it’s cute and girly.


“Yeah well, didn’t want to disappoint.” I give her a little kiss and spread the blanket out on the concrete. She sets the basket down and then sits next to it. I lay down across from her, so I’m on my side, facin her so I can see everything. I don’t wanna miss a second of this. I never wanna miss a second of anything that has to do with her. Everyone is waitin for the big fall out, for me to do somethin to screw all of this up, to hurt her so bad that she won’t take me back, but I know none of that shit is going to happen. I look at her and I want to be so much better. I’ve changed so much over the years for the better because I knew that I just couldn’t keep doin what I was doin. But now I want to be the best I can for her.


“So, B, what do you have packed for us tonight? Anything we can eat off each other?” She blushes and shakes her head no. God she looks so cute when she blushes. Fuck, she looks cute all the time. And dead sexy, and hot, and adorable and I think I just killed any and all ‘bad girl’ reputation. But that’s what this little blonde thing is doin to me, she’s turnin me to mush and I love every second of it.


“No, at least I don’t think so.” Then she pulls out some ziplock bags with sandwiches in ‘em, four cans of coke, a container of strawberries, a bag of potato chips and six McDonald’s hamburgers. I smile wide as she starts to split up the food. She gives me this little bashful look. “I know this isn’t the best, but moneys been kinda tight so I brought what I could.” I nod my head and then lean up and give her a little kiss on the lips. But one little kiss turned into another, and then another and before I really knew the fuck was goin on I have her on her back, moanin and grindin against me as I suck on the tip of her tongue. But then I pull back, my chest feels like it’s gonna burst I need a breath so bad. I smile at her and tuck a stray piece of hair behind her ear.


“Everything’s perfect, don’t worry about it.” I give her another little kiss and then sit up and scoot back a little to give her some room. And just like that we go back to normal. It’s like the making out didn’t even happen. I start in on the burgers first, I haven’t had dinner and I could eat a fuckin horse I’m so hungry. She starts going on and on about this movie that she saw that I ‘totally have to see because it’ll make even you cry’. Apparently she’s more of a drama, romantic comedy kinda girl when it comes to the flicks. I might go see some with her but just to make out in the back of the theater. When it comes to the movies I’m a horror fan. I’ll go for the occasional action flick but I like monster movies, always have always will. The only way I’ll watch a chick flick is if I get a little kissage out of it. We finish most of our food, we didn’t really touch the chips. Then Buffy pulls out a couple of breath mints and gives one to me. I’m not offended ‘cause I’m sure with what we ate the combo would make our mouths taste nasty as hell.


“It’s really nice out tonight, isn’t it?” she asks and looks up at the sky. I smile as I watch her. The moon is shining down on her, makin her face and hair glow. Great, now I’m gettin all sentimental. You see what this chick’s doin to me? I actually kinda like it though. I mean, I can still act all tough and badass ‘cause that’s just the way I am, that’s never gonna change, but I can show my softer side around B, nothin wrong with that. It’s not like I’m gonna climb up the side of the apartment building and wake her up by tapping on her bedroom window and then recite Shakespear or nothin. Nah, I can just appreciate the fact that she looks....angelic in the moonlight. That’s not too sissy, and if you wanna disagree I’ll be happy to beat your face in. “It’s a little cold though,” she says and shivers a little. Well no wonder she’s cold. She’s wearing a little sweater that wouldn’t be able to keep her warm in the middle of summer, some jeans but the fabric looks real thin, and her hair is back in a ponytail so her neck is all exposed and probably gettin really cold. But I know why she said it and it wasn’t just to comment on the whether.


I scoot closer to her and place myself behind her. I pull her close to me and wrap my arms around her, and let my hands rest on her stomach. She’s sittin in between my legs, her back pressed up against me and my chin is restin on her shoulder. She puts her hands over mine and she lets out this little sigh and I can’t help but smile. I love it when I’m wrapped around her like this. I’m sure she likes it too otherwise she wouldn’t have made the cold comment. But now we’re sitting in silence, both lookin up at the sky. I can’t help but feel like this isn’t real. This is just a dream because nothin this good has ever happened to me. I just can’t believe it but I think I’ll just roll with it because I don’t want to spoil it. I’ll be with her until I wake up, and if I never wake up then I guess I’ll be happy forever.


I smile again and give her a little kiss on the side of her neck and she lets out this little giggle. She’s very ticklish in lots of very interesting places. It’s kind of frustrating sometimes because I’ll be doin my best to try and give her as much pleasure as possible and she’ll start bustin up laughin ‘cause I hit a ticklish spot. She turns around a little bit so she can see my face. She just stares at me and it’s not awkward like you’d think it’d be. If she wants to look at me, let her look ‘cause she’s getting this very girly look in her eyes and I know exactly what she’s gonna say soon. Maybe not tonight but soon. She hasn’t said it to me since the bus ride to Angel’s hotel. But I know she does and that’s all that matters. I don’t need to hear the words. She gives me a little kiss and then pulls back and looks into my eyes. Yep, she’s gonna say it.


“I love you.” See, I told you. She loves me. Buffy Summers, the better then thou Buffy who gutted me, hated me, wanted to kill me and feed me to her boyfriend. The girl I hated with almost every fiber of my being loves me. And now that I’m thinking about it I never really hated her. I think I’ve always loved her even though I was too young to know what the feeling was. I hated Angel at the time because if he hadn’t come back then we probably would have hooked up at some point. I thought I hated him just because he was one of the scoobies, but now that I know what love feels like I know that I was jealous. So fuckin jealous because he had the one thing I wanted. But now she’s mine, and she says she loves me. And I know she means it. This is Buffy, she wouldn’t say it if she didn’t mean it. And now it’s time to show her what a girly girl I can be.


“I’ll always love you, ‘til the end of forever.” She gives me this ‘you’re so cheesy’ type of look and then pulls me into a kiss that leaves us both breathless. She turns around in my arms and slowly lays down on her back, pulling me with her and we don’t break apart for a second. I try to take off her shirt but she doesn’t let me. I know this needs to be as quick as possible because someone could come up here lookin for us. So we leave our clothes on even though I feel like I’m gonna burn to death if I don’t get t his sweatshirt off. I trail my hand down her body as she wraps her legs around me. I unbutton and unzip her jeans and slide my hands inside. She moans as I slide two fingers deep inside her. I pull back from the kiss and look at her. I watch as her eyes go from hazel to a darker color, almost pure brown but with a little green thrown in.


It only takes me a few minutes to drive her over the edge. I could’ve dragged it out but we gotta be quick. You never know when there’s gonna be a scooby emergency or when Dawn is gonna get bored and come lookin for Buffy so she can bug her. I almost wish I did drag it out ‘cause the look in her eyes is so fuckin sexy when I’m inside her. It’s this deep, savage look, like if I don’t give her what she wants she’s gonna hurt me, but then I let her come and the look calms down and is replaced with somethin else. I’m not too sure what it is but it must be good because she always has this little smile tuggin at her lips whenever she gets it. Maybe one day I’ll ask her what she feels when she comes, so far I haven’t. She’s tried tellin me what it’s like, what she feels, what she sees stuff like that but I don’t really pay attention. I’m too busy just looking at her to hear what she’s sayin. But I know that I never want that look to go away. ‘Cause even though I don’t understand it I know that sometime soon I will. I don’t know how I know, I just do. Gotta gut feeling.

(End flashback)

Yep, that’s what happened. About five minutes later Dawn came runnin up sayin that Willow was on the phone and they needed us for some big scooby meeting, but Buffy said she’d make it up to me because I was so worked up. But enough about that night. I know I can’t leave her, I have to stay here, even if it is in a different room, or building or whatever. I can’t just go back home with our kids. I don’t think I’d be able to survive without her. I know I’ve gone pretty soft, but that’s just the way it is. I can’t really remember a time when I didn’t need her. Even back in Boston I needed her, I just didn’t know it was her I needed. That probably doesn’t make sense to you, but it does to me and that’s all that matters.


I finish eating and tell Giles that I need to get out of the house for a little while. I tell him I don’t know if I’ll be back or not but not to panic if he hears someone movin around in the middle of the night. I look in the mirror on the wall and gussy up a little bit before I leave. I still look like shit but it’s nothin a good night’s sleep won’t take care of. Sleepin on top of a teenage girl and then on a really uncomfortable couch isn’t so good for the dark circles under my eyes, and lets not forget the bruise on my eye and cheek thanks to Buffy. But I can’t blame her. She was pissed and what I said stung deep. I woulda hit me too. I leave his place and wander around for a little bit. I keep gettin these weird looks from the students and a couple of the kids. I’m not used to people lookin at me like that. Usually they look at me like I’m a monster, the bad one. Now they’re lookin at me like I’m a victim or somethin. It’s not as good as you’d think. It’s makin me feel weak. Fuck I need a cigarette. So I go into the little shed and there standing in the exact same spot the last time I came in here is Lily, a cigarette in one hand the little gray kitten in the other. I can’t help but let a little smile tug at the corner of my lips.


“We meet again.” I walk in and close the door. I stand in the same spot like I did last time and she keeps looking in front of her. She’s holding the little cat against her upper chest and it’s sleepin. “Bum one?” I puts the cigarette between her lips and reaches into her pocket. She hands me the pack and the lighter and continues to just zone out. I pull one out and light it up and put the pack and the lighter in my pocket. She seems to be real far off, might as well let her be. I wonder what she’s thinkin about. Oh well, I don’t really care too much. I have my own shit to worry about. Like what I’m gonna say to B. I can’t just walk in there and act like nothing happened. This needs to be dealt with and very carefully or else we could have another big blow up and I really don’t want to start fighting with her again. I don’t want to put everyone through that, especially Mattie. He doesn’t needs those kind of scars.


I know what it’s like to go through that. To stay up at night listening to your parents fighting, all night long, sayin some horrible shit, shit that no kid should ever have to hear. I know we put him through that before, but he doesn’t really remember any of it. He just remembers that we fought and I went away, he doesn’t know the finer details. He doesn’t remember me callin B a self-righteous bitch, or me tellin to her rot in hell. And I don’t wanna think about the shit she said to me ‘cause that’ll just get me pissed, but it was pretty bad. We said things just to piss each other off, just to cut a little deeper, to make it sting just a little bit more, and it worked, and I ended up livin at Xander’s for a little over three months, gettin drunk every day of the week, and sobering up on Friday so I could have a good weekend with my kid. And Sunday night I’d get completely wasted to forget the look on his face and the sound of his voice when he’d ask when I was comin home. I’d drown out the sounds of him cryin as I put him in the car seat to send to him back to Buffy’s. And all week I’d get drunk to forget about everything else.


I drop the cigarette butt in the metal drum, I’ve been in here way longer then I thought. I must’ve really zoned out there. Lily’s still just standing there. Every few seconds she’ll take a little drag of her cigarette but it’s almost all gone. Seriously, what the fuck is she zonin out about? Should I say something to her? I’m not good at the comfort thing at all, at least not with anyone other then B. But even that took some time to get used to. But I don’t say anything as I look at the expressionless face of the teenager standing in front of me. She’s gone through a hell of a lot more then I thought. Growin up rough, maybe, but not what happened to her. Not getting enough love as a kid is tough, I know, but being loved and then havin your heart ripped out...I can’t even imagine that. And then to lose a baby on top of all that...no, I have no clue what she’s goin through. But maybe things will get better. Maybe now that she talked about it and has the cat to love, maybe she won’t be so.....closed off.


Alright, enough of this standing around shit, I need to get my ass goin. I give her one last glance before I leave. She never said anything so I guess it’s ok that I was silent. I mean, it’s not like we’re friends or nothin. We had one drunken night of confessions, that doesn’t make us best friends. So I walk down the little trail and towards the house. I keep gettin slower and slower the closer I get until I finally come to a stop about forty feet from the house. I can see Buffy through the window. She’s sitting at the kitchen table feeding Addy. Mattie is sitting in the chair next to her eatin his dinner, there’s a plate full of food in front of B, I guess the baby started cryin before she could eat her dinner. I can hear Tucker barking in the backyard. He’s been doin that a lot, I guess he can feel the hellmouth too. Well, I guess it’s now or never. Ok, well it’s now or later ‘cause I have to go back, there’s no way around it. I walk up the two steps to the porch and try to open the door but it’s locked. Fuck, I left my keys at Giles’. I bite my tongue and swallow my pride, and gently knock on the door four times.


I can hear a chair being scraped against the floor as someone backs up. It’s B, ‘cause she just told Mattie to keep eating his dinner. I can hear her light footsteps walking across the linoleum and then the almost silence when she reaches the carpet. I can hear Addy snort and grunt, she doesn’t like it when you walk around when you’re feeding her. She likes to be in one place when the bottle is in her mouth. I smile a little but make it go away when I hear Buffy’s voice. Why am I so damn nervous all of a sudden? It’s not like she can keep me out forever, this is my house too, their my kids too. Yeah, things’ll be fine. Maybe a little tense, but that’s expected. Until we talk and clear the air and come to an understanding and have that hot make up sex I was talkin about earlier things are gonna be tense.


“Xander, I told you I’m fine.” She unlocks the door and starts to open it. “You don’t have to....oh.” Oh? That’s her big reaction to seeing me? I wasn’t excepting that, that’s for sure. Maybe an angry glare, possibly even some yelling, but not ‘oh’. “Um...I didn’t think you’d be back so soon.” Yeah, that’s obvious by the look on her face. “I, uh, made dinner.” I raise one eyebrow and give her a very suspicious look. “Ok, so I heated up some T.V. dinners and then put the food on some plates so it looks like I made dinner.” I smile, there’s the Buffy I know and love. Can’t cook worth shit but tries to make it sound like she can. But I know her too well. “I can heat you one up too, if you’re hungry.” She looks as nervous as I feel right now.


“Nah, that’s alright. I had dinner with Giles so I’m kinda full. Maybe he can teach you how to cook, B, he’s pretty good at it.” I give her one of my disarming smiles and make sure to flash the dimples, she likes it when I do that. She gives a little smile and rolls her eyes. And why am I still standing out here on the porch? I sorta thought I’d be in the house by now. “Um...can I come in?” She gets this look on her face like ‘why didn’t I think of that?’ I try not to smile but it doesn’t work too well. She steps aside and I walk into the house. I can feel the tension pile up and it’s hard to breath for about a second but I get it under control. Mattie turns around in his seat and his face lights up.


“Mama!” he yells. He jumps off his seat and runs towards me. I brace myself, bend down a little and open up my arms as he slams into me. I wrap my arms around him and lift him up. I hug him tightly and if I weren’t a slayer then he’d be chokin me right now. He’s got a really good grip. He rests his head on my shoulder and I can feel his breathing against my neck. “You’re not leaving again right? Mom said she made you leave, you didn’t want to but she made you. And you’re not leaving are you?” I can feel some tears sting at the corner of my eyes. If we can’t get this worked out then I might leave this house, not this facility ‘cause I’m not leavin my kids but I know what he means. He wants me here with him and Buffy and Addy. And even though I feel real bad about it I have to lie, ‘cause that’s what parents do, we lie to protect our kids from hurt.


“No, I’m not goin anywhere. You’re not mad at your mom are you?” I hear him whisper ‘a little bit’ and I can’t help but sigh. I don’t want him mad at Buffy, there are going to be plenty of times in the future when he’ll be pissed at both of us, I don’t want it to start now. We got the teen years for that. “Well don’t alright? I know you missed me but it’s not her fault.” He leans back in my arms and I give him a little kiss on the lips. He smiles wide and gives me a kiss on the cheek. He sure is an affectionate little guy. “Go finish your dinner, ok? I need to talk with your mom.” He nods his head yes and I put him down on the ground, but he doesn’t move. He looks passed me and I follow his gaze. Buffy’s zonin out, starin straight in front of her, a distant look on her face as she thinks about....whatever it is she’s thinkin about. I walk up to her and gently touch her arm. She jumps a little, I scared her, now that’s pretty funny. I smile a little but make it go away. “Hey B, can we talk?” She nods her head and we make our way to the bedroom. I really, really hope I didn’t just lie to my kid.


BPOV


She came back. She actually came back. I wasn’t expecting her to be back until tomorrow, the day after that tops, but I wasn’t expecting this. And she doesn’t seem mad. I thought she was gonna be mad. But she seems fine. She even tried to get Matthew to stop hating me. He hasn’t talked to me much today. After we had our little talk at breakfast we went to one of the training room and he heard a lot of the girls talking and most of them were usin direct quotes of what I had said. He just looked up at me with this ‘oh my god is it true?’ type look, but I never said anything, I barely even looked at him, I couldn’t. I’d look into those hurt eyes and I’d see the look that Faith had in her eyes when she was sitting in the snow and trying to apologize. He never asked me if what those girls said was true or not but he’s been mad. When Sissy joined us for lunch he talked to her more then me, he wouldn’t even tell me what he wanted to eat, he had her get it for him.


She sits down on the bed and sighs. She puts her hands on her knees and leans forward a little bit. She’s tired, I can tell. A little hung over too. She looks at Addison and smiles a little and she gets this look on her face, this look of longing, I guess you could call it. I smile a little bit and hand her the baby. She looks up at me and smiles this ‘thank you’ smile and continues to feed our girl. But the bottle is almost empty and hopefully she won’t start crying for more because once I start talking I really don’t wanna stop. I sit down at the vanity mirror and turn around in the chair so I’m facing her. She looks like she’s gonna speak, but I cut her off. She hates it when I do that, but I just realized that she already tried to apologize last night and I wouldn’t let her, so she has nothing to be sorry for.


“Faith, don’t say you’re sorry. What you said hurt, it hurt real bad but you tried to say you were sorry last night and I threw you out anyway. You don’t have anything to be sorry for. The fight was all my fault, I started it. You tried to avoid it, but I wouldn’t stop. But you have to understand that I never meant for it to happen it just sort of did. I had the worst day ever, short of stabbing a demon and getting it’s guts all over me, but it was bad.” I know she’s going to question me, so I sigh and start with the explanation. “There’s this intern, the one I told you about back home, when I went out with the girls.” She tenses up because she knows who I’m talking about. Well, not exactly who but she knows I’m talking about the one that tried to sleep with me. “She sort of came here to see how I was doing and she said some things about you. I made a comment to try and scare her off, that you get ‘super jealous’ when you see me talking to other women, and she completely twisted it around. And I hit her and made her leave.” She gives me this surprised look because I actually hit someone who was talking shit and not just being the bigger person and walking away. “Oh, and Matthew made a snow angel, it’s good, you should see it later.” I smile and she chuckles a little.


“So, are you gonna tell me this bitch’s name so I can pay her a little visit?” The last thing we need is her doing something like that. Giles let her off the hook for giving Lily a bottle of Jack Daniels, but I doubt he’ll look the other way if the charge is assault. I sigh and shake my head no. She doesn’t say anything and there’s more to tell, and Faith isn’t going to be happy about it and I know she’s going to want to kill Holly, even though she doesn’t know it’s Holly.


“And later on when Matthew and I were walking around the school.” She knows I’m going to say something she’s going to hate because I’m drawing out my words a little bit, making them longer to hopefully avoid actually telling her. “She came up to me when Matthew was talking to one of the sophomore girls...well flirting would actually be the more appropriate term ‘cause he was doing that bashful smile thing, and he turned his head and looked at her through his eyelashes and blushed.” I’m babbling, completely going off topic. She knows I’m doing it on purpose and she’s getting a little annoyed but she’s staying calm.


“Anyway,” I look away from her and pick at my cuticles a little. “She came up to me and started talking to me. It was normal at first, she tried to apologize for saying that stuff about you but I told her to just forget it. And then she started telling me things....” I pause and she glares. I’m nervous as hell, and she knows she isn’t going to like this at all. I really hope Faith doesn’t hunt her down and kill her because that would be bad. Very, very bad. “Um, sexual things. I punched her so hard in the face that I think I broke her cheek bone and I told her to stay the hell away from me and if she ever comes up to me again I’d kick her ass, and that you’re the only person I’d ever be with in that way.” She stands up and puts Addison in her basinet. She isn’t sleeping, she’s been staying up for longer periods of time, but Faith put her down so she could do her infamous pose. Legs shoulder distance apart, her arms folded across her chest, a look of determination and anger on her face.


“Buffy, who is this bitch?” She’s really pissed off, not as bad as I thought she was going to be, but still pretty bad. Eventually I’ll have to tell her who it is, there’s no doubting that at this point, I owe her that much, but I can’t tell her right now. Not when our emotions are running high. She might do something really stupid. She lets her hands fall to her sides and she starts to pace a little. “I can’t believe you. Why are you protecting her?” Now I feel ever worst about it. I give her a pleading look and she stops with the pacing, which is good ‘cause I was getting a headache.


“Please Faith, can we talk about that later? I’m trying to apologize here.” I know she wants to say something sarcastic, that’s just how well I know her, and I should have worded that way better, but I didn’t so we’ll just have to deal with it. I really need to start filtering the words that come out of my mouth a little more closely. “I’m sorry...for everything. I’m sorry for the fight, I never meant for any of that to happen. I’m sorry for all of the horrible things I said. I wouldn’t blame you if you never forgave me. I had no right to say any of that stuff.” She gives me this ‘no shit’ type of look. “I don’t want to try and make excuses for the way I behaved. I treated you horribly. You don’t deserve that, not after everything you’ve done for me.” She sits down on the bed again and runs her hands through her hair. She sighs but she doesn’t say anything, this is starting to freak me out a little bit. There have been no sarcastic comments, no interjections, nothing. She’s been totally silent, except for the sighing. I get up and kneel in front of her. I put my hands on her knees and I look up at her. She looks a little surprised, so am I a little. I’ve never done this before.


“Please, baby, forgive me. I’m so sorry. Can we just put all of this horrible stuff behind us?” She sighs again but doesn’t say anything. I think she wants to say something. She has this look on her face like she’s dying to tell me something, but she’s afraid to for whatever reason. Or she just doesn’t know how to put it into words. I know the feeling. “And with the wedding coming up pretty quick, it’s going to be in May that’s only four months away and we still have so much planning to do. But I’m going to take care of all that. Dawn already promised to help since she’s the maid of honor and why are you looking at me like that?” She has this look on her face, this sad, almost shy look. Ok this is really starting to freak me out. She puts her hands over mine and looks into my eyes, and takes in a deep breath before she lets it out really slow.


“B...about the wedding....” Oh my God. She doesn’t want to get married anymore? She’s really willing to let one fight get in the way of us getting married? Ok, Buffy, don’t jump to conclusions, I’m sure it’s a completely different reason. Or maybe she still wants to get married. Maybe she’s decided that she wants to wear a dress after all. That would be neat. “I still want to so please don’t be thinkin that I’m cancelin this ‘cause I’m not. But....” Ok this whole ‘pausing for long periods of time in the beginning of the sentence’ thing is really starting to bug me. “I wanna wait.” What? You want to what? “When I asked you to marry me I thought that we’d wait a while, maybe a year or two. With us trying to get pregnant I figured we’d be pretty busy, especially with a little baby on our hands.” She glances over at the basinet and then looks down at our hands, at our rings. “I don’t wanna rush this, I wanna wait. I don’t wanna hurt your feelings, that’s why I didn’t say anything before, but that’s what I want.” God I feel like such an ass. All this time I was going on and on about this perfect wedding and how I just couldn’t wait, I never even stopped to think that maybe Faith would have a problem with it.


“How long have you felt like this?” I have to ask, there’s no way I cannot ask. She looks a little uncomfortable now. Oh God, how long has she been feeling like that? I really, really hope that this is a recent development and she hasn’t been feeling…forced into this for too long. I get up off the floor and sit down on the bed next to her and take her hands into mine. The physical contact is more because of my neediness right now then for hers. I know that sounds selfish, but I really need to know that she’s here with me right now.


“Since you told me you wanted to move it.” God that was a long time ago. And so not the answer I was hoping for. When did I ask to move it? I have no idea. And how is it too soon? We’ve been engaged for a little over a year. She asked me to marry her on the Christmas before we had Addison. And we just celebrated another Christmas a little less then a month ago. So me moving the date shouldn’t be too big of a deal. But she’s feeling pressured and I don’t want her to. “I know that this is supposed to be your special day, but I just don’t think it’d be right to have it so soon. I want to be able to enjoy our engagement. I got pregnant so soon after I asked you, and then with everything else that happened….let’s just wait a couple years ok?” A couple years, how much longer does she want to put this off? Ok, I shouldn’t be getting mad right now, but…I’m afraid if we wait too long then it won’t happen at all.


“How much longer do you want to wait?” She doesn’t answer me. She just sits there thinking about it. “I know that things have been really crazy and we’ve both been unhappy for a little while, but a couple of years? That just seems so far away. I mean, what if we keep putting it off and then it never happens?” She gets a little panicked but she’s trying to fight it. She doesn’t really give off any physical indication that she’s freaking out but it’s all in her eyes. She turns so she’s completely facing me. She squeezes my hands a little and takes in a deep breath as she tries to calm down.


“We will, I swear we will. I didn’t give you this ring.” She rubs the diamond on my ring with her thumb. “So we could just wait around forever. I want to marry you, more then anything, but I want to wait.” She’s getting frustrated, that much is obvious. She knows what she wants to say, she just doesn’t know how to word it. Don’t you hate it when that happens? I really, really hate it when that happens. Makes me feel like a natural blonde. “Can we just go back to the original plan? Keep it simple? Let’s wait until Addy’s two, ok? Wait until everything is calm again. There’s somethin I need ta tell you, it’s not bad so don’t jump to anything ok?” I nod my head but I still have a million little voices in my mind whispering to me things she could have done. Did she sleep with someone when she was drunk before she came back to the school? “I talked to Giles about findin us a new place, somewhere with a little more…action.” What? What is she talking about? “Come on, B, you can’t honestly say that you’re happy livin in Shasta Lake. Sure we got ties there, it was our first real home, but the slayers in us are beggin for a good slay and we aren’t getting that there.” She does have a point. She starts to caress the back of my hand with the tips of her fingers. She looks down at my ring and then back into my eyes.


“Let’s wait until we build some new roots. Until we’re all nice and moved into a more action packed city, and when we’re all settled, then we can start makin plans ok? I just, I wanna wait a while. I want to enjoy being engaged before we get hitched. I’m sorry if you had your heart set out on this spring, but I think we should wait. We’ve both been stressed, and restless ‘cause of the lack of slaying over the past few years. We’re not gonna wait around forever, you will have your dream wedding, I promise, it’ll just take some time to happen, alright?” There’s somethin that’s buggin me about what she said. I don’t know why it is, it just is. I mean she never said anything to me about it, we’ve never even discussed it at home.


“You asked Giles to find a new house for us? How come you didn’t tell me about it?” And now she’s back to looking panicked. I really hope I didn’t just start something. I don’t want to fight again, I really, really don’t. So I’ll just stay calm, I’ll listen to what she has to say and I won’t yell, and if it starts to turn into a screaming match then I’ll leave the room and go to a training room or something and beat the crap out of a punching bag for a few hours or something.


“I just didn’t want to get your hopes up or whatever. He’s lookin for places that have a lot of demonic activity but isn’t a hellmouth. This place is drivin me a little crazy. If he finds anything I was gonna bring it up, but I didn’t want to start dreamin of a new place and have him tell us it isn’t gonna happen.” That does make sense. No use in getting my hopes up just to be shot down. The lack of good slayage is becoming a problem, I’ll admit that. Just being here is starting to make me a little stir crazy. I have to go slaying tonight for the sake of my sanity. I smile at her a little and she smiles back, I can tell she’s relieved that I’m not mad for her holding out on me. I’m a little...annoyed because she kept a secret, but I’m not mad. She had my best interests in mind, that’s what counts.


“A new town sounds good. We can finally get our acts together.” She looks a little confused and I cut her off before she can get a word out. She hates it when I do that but I want to explain right away before she takes it the wrong way. “I mean, I know raising a kid is a full time job, but it’s like we’ve been slacking off for the last ten or so years. We’re the only one out of the scoobies who don’t have jobs. Maybe moving will give us a better opportunity ya know? I could go back to college and get a degree, and you can get your GED, and then go to college or whatever. That way we won’t have to depend on Giles for everything. His money isn’t going to last forever and it would be nice to be financially independent.” She gives me this little mischievous smile and I know she’s going to pick on me about something.


“Ya know, B, if we’re financially independent that means we’ll have to make a budget, and that means no more shopping sprees, no more hundred-fifty dollar shoes, no more jewelry that costs as much as a small house, no more eating out at four star restaurants-”


“No more leather pants, no more leather boots, you’ll have to wash your car like a normal person and without that special stuff that dries itself, no more leather cleaning products, no more spontaneous movie dates.” Ha! By the look on her face I know I’ve beat her at her own game. The movie dates, you’re probably wondering about those right? Well, it hasn’t happened in a while because of all the stress but sometimes Faith will take me out to a movie, no warning or anything. She just grabs her keys, tells me to get my purse, we drop Matthew off at Dawn or Willow’s house and we go to the movies and make out in the back row.


“Ok, well maybe we can set some money aside in a savings account for special occasions.” She gets this little smile on her face but then it goes away. She’s thinking now, about something serious. Her eyebrows are wrinkled just a little bit, and she’s not smiling anymore and she’s looking down towards my side but her eyes are out of focus. Then all of a sudden she flings herself backwards and stares up at the ceiling. “Being a grown up sucks. Budgeting, staying home changing diapers instead of goin out to a club, being puked on when they’re sick, getting up at three in the morning when they’re hungry.” She keeps talking but I stop paying attention. I lay down next to her and rest my head on her shoulder. I put on leg over her thighs and hold on to one of her hands.


“Seeing the look on their face when they wake up from a nap.” She stops talking and gives me a little kiss on the forehead. “How they smile when you make a funny face. The feeling when you rock them to sleep and they’re in your arms looking like they don’t want to be anywhere else. They way they cry for you when they’re scared or hurt. The way their face lights up when you show them something new that they think is interesting. You’re saying you’d rather be out spending money and dancing with a bunch of horny boys then being home to enjoy all of that?” She’s quiet for a few seconds before she sighs.


“Well, when you put it that way....nah, I’d rather be here. I don’t mean to ruin this good moment we got goin, but the fight, officially over?” I prop myself up on my elbow and look into her eyes for a few seconds. I lean in and kiss her. Our tongues instantly meet and start to battle with each other and I’m winning. Once I do that little swirly thing that she loves it’s all over, she might as well be melted butter. She moans and her legs spread open a little. I put my thigh in between her legs and she gently lifts her hips up and rubs on me a little. I pull back and we’re both panting, me more then her. She gets this little sarcastic smile on her face. “Ok, so is the fight over ‘cause I don’t know how comfortable I am with the thought of you using sex to try and distract me from getting this fight over with.” I roll my eyes and kiss her again and after a few seconds she pulls away. She looks into my eyes and lightly caresses my cheek. “I love you.” My heart just stopped beating. Don’t believe me? Well believe it. It’s not beating anymore. It’s very rare for Faith to just come out and say that. Sometimes she’ll say it back to me when I say it to her, other times she’ll just kiss me really deep because she doesn’t like throwing that word around. There’s only been a couple times when she’s said it first.


“I love you too. I missed you so much. I had a really hard time sleeping without you here holding me. Let’s not fight ever again, ok?” She nods her head yes and I kiss her again. It’s growing in passion and everything is just slipping away. It’s only us here, no one else exists right now. All that I can feel is her skin against mine, her warmth against me, her legs wrapping around mine and her center lightly grinding against me. I pull back for a couple seconds to catch my breath. I don’t even open my eyes before diving back in. I love make up sex with Faith. It’s one of my favorite things in the entire world. I don’t know what it is about make up sex that is so great. Maybe all of that anger that you let build up gets put to better use? I don’t know, but it’s yummy and she’s yummy and if I don’t taste her soon I might just die.


“Mama, I don’t feel good.” I pull back and look towards the door. Matthew is standing there, staring at us. He doesn’t look so good at all. His face is a little pale, he looks like he’s sweating, and his eyes are red. He played out in the snow again today, I guess we stayed out for longer then we should have. It’s probably just a cold, possibly the flu. I don’t know. He was fine all day until about an hour before dinner he started complaining about his stomach hurting. I roll off of Faith and we sit up on the bed. She reaches out her arms towards him and he walks up to the foot of the bed. She reaches down and lifts him up by his armpits and he sits on her lap, his head is resting against her shoulder and she’s stroking his hair. I reach over and feel his forehead. He has a little bit of a fever, nothing hospital worthy.


“Poor boy doesn’t feel good. You wanna sleep in here tonight?” I ask and he nods his head yes. I give him a kiss on the back of the head and give Faith a ‘we’ll try again later’ type of look and she rolls her eyes. I know she’s a little frustrated because she likes make up sex as much as I do, but I know she’d rather be comforting him since he’s not feeling well. I leave the room and clean up a little in the kitchen. I give Tucker the left over food and he scarves it down. If he isn’t careful he’s going to make himself sick. Gross. Oh well, it’s Faith’s dog, I’ll just have her clean it up if he does throw up. After I put the dishes away and turn out most of the lights and I go into Matthew’s room and get a pair of his pajamas. I walk down the hall but stop when I get to my bedroom doorway. I see that Matthew has not only been changed into a pair of pajamas, the fire truck ones, but he’s sitting in Faith’s lap and she’s reading to him out of his favorite book.


“‘The Piglet lived in a very grand house in the middle of a beech-tree, and the beech-tree was in the middle of the forest, and the Piglet lived in the middle of the house.’” That’s not his favorite chapter out of that book but whatever. He’s leaning up against her and looking at the pages of the book as if he’s reading along with her. His reading has improved a lot, he can read some but it’s taking time. These types of things take time, but he’s getting better. Hopefully he’ll like his new school and things will get ever better. He starts on Monday and I really hope he’s accepted. Kids this age can be very mean and he isn’t shy about joining a group, and he’ll try to get along with the others. At least in theory. He’s never switched schools before so I don’t know how he’s going to react to it.


“‘So they went on, feeling just a little anxious now, in case the three animals in front of them were of Hostile Intent. And Piglet wished very much that his Grandfather T. W. Were there, instead of elsewhere, and Pooh thought how it would be if they met Christopher Robin suddenly but quite accidentally, and only because he liked Christopher Robin so much.’ Feel better baby.” She stops even though the chapter isn’t finished. I’ve memorized this book too ya know. He’s already asleep. Well that was fast. She gives him a little kiss on the side of the head, puts the book down on the nightstand and lays him down on the bed. I set the pajamas down on the dresser and sit at the foot of the bed. She looks at me with this look like ‘I could sleep for a week’. I know the feeling


“Ok, so for the record: I’m sorry for all the shit that happened, the fight is officially over, we’ll put the wedding off for a couple of years and if Giles finds a place that is full of demonic activity but is also a nice town for kids then we’ll talk about it. I’m tired, are you tired?” I ask and yawn widely as I stretch my arms above my head. She yawns and nods her head. We change for bed, I don’t know when Addison passed out but she’s snoring now. We shut off the bedroom lights and crawl under the covers. We lay on either side of Matthew and he’s squished in between us. He’s lying on his side facing Faith and his head is buried in her chest. Is it wrong to be jealous of a six-year-old? ‘Cause I think it is. I look into her eyes and she stares right back. “I love you.” She smiles and holds onto my hand and brings it up to her mouth and kisses the knuckles. She can’t always say it but I know she feels it. And that’s the important thing, isn’t it?