White Knight's War

Starting Over


Xander had been hiding out in the basement for a while, trying to figure out a way to get back to the penthouse, without running into anyone. He didn’t feel like explaining what he was doing with his toolbox and an armful of chains. He’d pretty much figured out that if he got caught there’d be enough laughing and teasing; and that he’d wind up wanting to die of embarrassment. Though if Faith was the one to spot him, he was sure you could add, hints, tips and innuendo to the list of things he really didn’t want to hear.


Graham’s worries and fears about their sex life had been preying on his mind ever since they’d talked. He hated that he’d left his lover feeling like he wasn’t wanted; and had been wracking his brains trying to come up with a solution. Hence the chains; they weren’t exactly their usual speed, but Xander figured if he was chained up he’d be able to let himself go without any risk to his lover.


He felt slightly guilty, spending so much time worrying about his relationship while the world was going to hell around them; but let’s face it, if he waited around for a time when there wasn’t a big bad to fight, they’d be too old for it to matter. No, he needed to do this, needed to make everything right with the man he loved, because without Graham he didn’t think he’d be able to go on.


He made it to the elevator without being seen, and breathed a sigh of relief when he got into his room. Laying the chains out on the bed, he’d got all the way upstairs without being caught by a single living soul. “Hi.” Except for Connor, who’d apparently chosen his room to hang out in today. The young man had been avoiding everyone since the Reilly’s had left and they were all starting to worry about him


Connor’s eyes were shadowed, and Xander could feel the pain and confusion rolling off him. Much as he wanted to be alone right now, it seemed as though their latest addition needed a friendly ear. And as usual, Xander was the designated listener. “Hiding out?”


“Yeah, sorry. It’s just they’re gone, my parents, and I’m not sure I’ll see them again. They kind of freaked out about all this, and my sisters aren’t exactly dealing.”


“Give them a little time, it’s a lot to have to face all at once. When they calm down….”


“I still won’t be their son, their brother.”


“Maybe not by blood, but you will always be part of them. One thing I’ve learned is that genetics have damn all to do with family, it’s how you feel about people that counts. You love them and I’m sure they love you, once they have a chance to think, that’s what’ll be important.”


“Even though it wasn’t real.”


Connor’s voice sounded so lost, it about broke Xander’s heart. “Did you meet Dawnie?” At Connor’s brief nod, Xander continued. “I love her, she’s my baby sister. When she was eleven, she found out that my mom didn’t make me a cake for my birthday. So she turned her kitchen into a war zone, trying to make me one. It looked terrible and tasted worse, but I still ate every bite, because it was one of the sweetest things anyone had ever done for me.


When she was twelve she got the flu, and when I babysat her she cried and cried, because she was too sick to go to the first real party she’d ever been invited to. When she was thirteen she decided that she hated the world, went around snapping at everyone, drove her mom and her sister insane. Until they figured out that she was acting up because she’d found out about Buffy being the Slayer. She was smart enough to know how dangerous that was, and she was scared to death of losing her big sister.


“When she was fourteen, we found out she wasn’t real, that a bunch of monks had taken this ancient artefact and given it human form. All those memories, all those things we remembered never actually happened.


And you know what, that doesn’t matter at all.” Xander made sure he was looking right in Connor’s eyes, he needed the younger man to understand how serious he was. “I remember how happy I was when she made me that cake, I remember the first time I thought of her like my own baby sister. Those feelings are real, and that’s the only thing that counts.”


“My family, they’re not used to this stuff, maybe it’d be easier if I left them alone.”


“Give them a chance, you don’t want your sisters thinking that their big brother bailed on them. I mean, you still love them just as much as you did yesterday, so don’t underestimate the way they feel about you.”


“Maybe, when this is over I could talk to them; see what they want.”


“Or you could go now, plenty of room at the sanctuary.” Connor didn’t bother to answer that one, just shot Xander a disbelieving glare. “Well you can’t blame me for trying, there’s an awful lot of people here, who don’t want you getting hurt.”


“My other dad. And that’s even freakier.” Connor started pacing, frustration evident in the tense lines of his body. “It was easier when I could just hate him. Holtz made everything simple, black and white. See vampire, stake vampire, now everything’s all messed up in my head.


The things I did to him and his friends; I really believed he was nothing more than a monster. He gave up the world for me, and I still don’t understand why. After everything I did to him, why would he do that for me?”


“He loves you.” Xander didn’t know exactly how to make Connor feel better, but knew he had to try. Though the irony of him being the one fighting Angel’s corner wasn’t lost on him, Connor was more important than his old jealousies. “I’m so not the best person to be doing this, Angel and me; not exactly friends.


You mean everything to him, when he figured out you were in trouble, he broke. It was like something inside him died, Holtz was right about what he was; the things he did without his soul were monstrous. But that isn’t who he is now. He really is one of the good guys; though if you tell him I said nice things about him, I’ll deny it to my dying breath. Cordy’d probably be able to tell you a lot more than I could, she saw you together. Helped him take care of you when you were a baby.”


The sharp intake of breath and wave of pain when Cordelia’s name was mentioned gave Xander a little more insight into what was haunting Connor. “She was asking after you. Wanted to know why you hadn’t stopped by to see her yet.”


“She……how she could see want to see me after what I did? I thought she wanted me, but it wasn’t her. What I did, it’s the same as rape.” Connor’s voice was so quiet, that Xander could barely hear him.


“No it wasn’t. Kiddo, she doesn’t blame you for anything I promise.” At Connor’s disbelieving look, Xander tried to explain. “You never met her, not the real Cordy; by the time you got back from Quortoth the demon had already taken her over. You had no way of knowing that. If the people who saw her every day, her best friends, couldn’t tell, then how were you supposed to?


She doesn’t remember Connor, they had to tell her; but if she’s pissed at anyone it’s Deadboy, not you. She loves you, said you’re the closest thing to a kid of her own and she just wants to make sure you’re okay.”


“I don’t know; I’m just not ready to talk to her. After Jasmine came I knew things weren’t right. I mean everyone else saw this beautiful woman, but I could always see her true face. But I didn’t care, she loved me, or I thought she did, and that was the only thing that mattered.”


“Wanting to be loved isn’t wrong, and you didn’t exactly have a lot to compare things to. Cordy will never blame you, she’ll love you and protect you; probably embarrass the hell out of you from time to time, but you’ll always be someone she loves.”


“Does she…..I mean, I loved her……does she think I still feel that way, still want her?” Now Connor’s voice held a faint edge of panic.


“You don’t?” Xander knew that Cordelia wouldn’t ever feel that way for a boy she considered her own child, but Connor needed to figure things out in his own head.


“No…..I remember what it felt like to love her, but then that wasn’t her was it? It was just that she seemed to be the only one who needed me and wanted me. That felt so good, and being with her seemed like what I should want. But now……I don’t think I can look her in the eye, never mind anything else. She’s a stranger, they all are.


Angel, Wes and the others; they were all looking at me downstairs, wanting to talk to me. I get that I’m important to them, but I don’t know if I can be what they want me to be.”


“You don’t have to be anything but yourself, they do get that you’re not the boy they remembered. They all just want a chance to get to know you again.”


“That’s just it, I don’t know who me is. All the memories are rubbing against each other, and I don’t know which ones to listen to.”


Connor broke off, tears falling silently from his eyes. He looked and sounded so lost, and Xander didn’t know how to fix him. So he just gathered the younger man in his arms and held him, letting the younger man cry himself into sleep.


Easing Connor down onto the bed when he was finally quiet, Xander covered him with a blanket and decided to let him rest. He seemed so alone and broken, but there was strength in him, and Xander hoped it would be enough to carry him through. He carded his fingers slowly through the young man’s hair, petting and easing him when he began to whimper in his sleep. Connor called to him, reminded Xander of himself when he was younger. So desperate to be loved, to be needed and Xander wanted to be able to chase away the shadows in those beautiful eyes. Wanted to help Connor move on, to be as happy with himself as Xander now was.


He heard a movement out in the corridor and eased away from the sleeping man, moving carefully so as not to disturb him. When he eased the door open, he found himself face to face with the person he’d been doing his best to avoid. “Lindsey.”


He didn’t want to do this, but knew he had to talk to the man sometime. So he steered him down the hall and into an empty room. Angel had come to him earlier and told him about his conversation with the lawyer; and Xander didn’t know how to feel about the new things he’d learnt about his former lover.


Lindsey looked tired, the sparkling eyes Xander remembered were dull; they spoke of a man who’d seen too much, done too much and the pain in them called to a part of Xander he’d thought long buried. He was still gorgeous; his body had the same pull it always had, the draw of that beauty still tugged a little at Xander, as he remembered what it had been like to touch this man. But he was relieved to discover that was all he felt, a kind of nostalgia for a time when he’d been a lot more innocent, the deeper feelings he’d had for Lindsey were gone.


“You talked to Angel, he told you what I said.” The words were flat, a statement not a question. “I never knew, why you left. I thought I’d done something, or maybe not done enough. Hindsight’s a bitch, if I hadn’t left that fucking file….”


“I’d have found out some other way. Secrets like that….they can’t be kept forever.”


“But I’d have been out, I could have told you then. Started over someplace else and it would have been different. I would have been different.”


“I’d have still wanted to go back home, Buffy needed me and I needed to fight. You’d have had to watch that, and I’m not so sure you’d have dealt. Walking away from Wolfram and Hart was one thing, could you really have stood with us?”


“I’d have tried, but then I always tried, not that it did much good. Nothing ever seemed to work out the way it was supposed to.” The bitterness in his voice was almost a living thing, curling round Lindsey’s body, permeating the room.


“Linds…” Xander didn’t want to hurt him any more than he had to; didn’t want to cause more damage to a man who’d been so important to him once. “I don’t regret it, what we had. I did love you, and those memories are good ones. I don’t know what would have happened if I’d have stayed one more day. But we can’t live on what might have beens.”


“You don’t regret it, but you don’t wish it had gone differently do you?”


He could lie, could tell Lindsey that he wished things had worked out, but he wasn’t that type of man. He owed Lindsey the truth. “No I don’t wish it was different. I finally like who I am. The life I’ve got is a good one, Senior Partners and crazy prophecies aside. If things had gone differently I wouldn’t be here, wouldn’t have…..”


“Graham.” Lindsey’s voice held resignation, as he interrupted Xander. “You love him more than you did me?”


Xander never got the chance to answer, a loud crash echoed down the hall; and he was running back to his room. Moving so fast that Lindsey could only trail behind. He sent the door crashing open and saw Graham pinned to the floor. Connor kneeling above him, his eyes panicked and glazed.


“Connor?” Xander’s voice seemed to jolt the young man back to awareness and he looked down at Graham in horror, before scrambling quickly away. Ending up in the corner, hugging his knees to his chest, muttering an endless litany of apologies.


“Gray, are you okay?” Xander hurried to his lover, helping him up and trying to check him over.


“I’m fine, just got a bit of a scare.”


“What the hell happened?”


Graham nodded towards the trembling figure of Connor, “I came in and saw him sleeping, I just wanted to check and see he was alright. But the second I touched him, he freaked.”


“Connor?” Xander got down on his knees and tried to get the young man to look at him, but all he got was blank eyes and senseless rambling. Graham moved in beside him, and reached out to Connor once more, laying a gentle hand on the side of his cheek. The Healer’s touch seemed to help, and awareness slowly seeped back into Connor’s eyes.


“I’m sorry. I was dreaming about Quortoth and when I felt you I thought I was still there. God I could have hurt you.”


“But you didn’t, you didn’t hurt me at all.” Graham tried to reassure Connor, but the young man didn’t seem consoled.


“What if it had been one of the girls? Someone more fragile?”


Xander decided to take that one, “In case you hadn’t noticed, most of the girls round here are Slayers. That means they can kick your ass seven ways from Sunday. There’s no way you’re going to accidentally hurt anyone.”


Connor inclined his head towards the chains Xander had abandoned on the bed earlier. “Maybe you should have just used those things on me, that way I couldn’t get into trouble.”


Graham turned a questioning look on Xander, wondering what the hell the chains were doing in their room. He certainly didn’t expect to see his lover turn bright red with embarrassment, but he shelved the question for the moment, concentrating on Connor’s distress. They both moved a little closer to the stricken boy and continued to comfort him, letting him know that he was safe with them.


Lindsey watched silently from the doorway, he couldn’t take his eyes away from them. He saw the way Xander kept touching Graham, as if to reassure himself that the other man was okay. Saw the easy way they were together, moving as one to get Connor settled back onto the bed. Saw the way they looked at each other, the love shining in their eyes.


He finally began to understand what Ethan had tried to tell him; this man, this Xander, wasn’t someone he knew. The man he’d loved so much, had held onto in his mind, had grown and changed in the years they’d been apart. There wasn’t a place for him here, no matter what he said or did; he couldn’t come between these men.


He thought he’d been forgotten, that they were too caught up in Connor to notice him; but just as he started to walk away, Graham turned around and looked at him. There was no anger on the Healer’s face, only compassion, and Lindsey felt none of the resentment he’d been filled with earlier. Catching Xander’s eye in turn, he tried to let his acceptance show in his own eyes before turning and walking away. Packing his old dreams carefully away, he went in search of Ethan; if he was going to try and figure out what he wanted to do now, he could use a sympathetic ear.


Once they’d got Connor quietened down and resting once more; Xander and Graham settled in on the couch. They didn’t want to risk leaving the young man alone whilst he was still so distressed, so they kept watch over him as they talked softly.


“Are you sure you’re okay?” Xander had panicked when he’d seen Graham stretched out on the floor and was in the need of a little reassurance himself.


“I’m fine baby, he just knocked the wind out of me. You’re really worried about him aren’t you?”


“He seemed so damn lost, kind of reminded me of how I used to be. It’s a damn shame this isn’t something you can heal.”


“You know better than most that magic isn’t the answer to everything. A little love and time and we should be able to help him.”


“Time….we never do seem to have enough of that do we? I had plans for the night, that involved more fun and less people in our room.”


“Something to do with those chains of yours?” If anything Xander blushed even brighter than before, and he ducked his head to avoid Graham’s eyes. “Xan?”


“It was gonna be a surprise….I thought about what you said…..about how I’ve been since I got changed……I won’t risk hurting you, but I thought with the chains……”


“You’d be able to let go without any risk?” Graham pulled Xander closer and wrapped his arms around him. “I think I like that idea, you all chained up and helpless. At my mercy…….just think I could tease you for hours and there’d be nothing you could do to stop me.” He let their bodies rock together and nibbled his way down Xander’s neck.


“No fair, getting me all worked up when we can’t do anything about it.”


Graham let his teeth scrape Xander’s neck a little harder and whispered back. “Who says I’m not going to follow through.”


“In case you hadn’t noticed our bed’s kinda occupied right now; and I don’t think Connor’d appreciate the company.”


“I don’t know; he’s been following you round ever since he got there, like your own personal puppy. All sad eyes and need.”


“He needs a friend, someone to lean on. He likes girls anyway, or had you forgotten that he was in love with Cordelia?”


“You used to be in love with her too, and just look at you now. You can’t tell me you don’t think he’s adorable, I know you too well.”


Xander tried to ignore his growing arousal and concentrate on Graham’s words. They’d had a third in their bed before, random bodies picked up in a club and discarded with the dawn. But something about this felt different. “Gray, we can’t play with Connor, not like that. He deserves to be treated better than one of our one night stands.”


“But you are drawn to him?” Graham’s voice had lost its teasing edge, and Xander pulled back so he could see his face.


“I’m not sure, he’s so hurt and I want to fix that; but I don’t think jumping him is the answer.”


“He needs something to ground him, and I think that could be you.”


“I love you, and however drawn I am to him I won’t risk us."


“You wouldn’t be, I just feel like this could work. I’m not sure why, but it seems right to me.”


Hearing the serious note in Graham’s voice, Xander wondered what had brought this on. Thinking back, he remembered seeing the faint glow of Graham’s power when he touched Connor, so he asked. “Did you see something when you touched him?”


“Not exactly, it was more like…..” Graham struggled to find the right words. “It was like there was a connection, touching him felt almost the same as when I touch you.”


“Gray this is a big decision, huge, and let’s face it, not ours to make. Connor needs to make his own choices, he feels out of control already.”


“Tempting as he is, I wasn’t really suggesting that we make a pass right now, I just wanted to know what you thought. He needs time to heal, and we need to think about it.”


“We need sleep, we can worry about this and everything else in the morning. Do you think we should find an empty room?”


Graham looked at their bed and Connor's slumbering form; remembering how agitated the boy had become in his sleep before. “Maybe we should stay, if he has more nightmares……”


“He could need some help and there’s no-one around but us.” Xander wasn’t sure they were doing the right thing, but he was too tired to care, so he stripped down to his pants and joined his lover on the bed.


The two older men bracketed Connor’s body, getting close enough to help him if he needed it, but making sure not to touch. They didn’t want a return of his earlier panic. Clasping hands on the pillow above their heads they drifted off into much needed sleep.


Never once realising that Connor had been awake for some time, not seeing the longing on his face as he drank in the sight of them lying next to him. Barely even noticing when he snuggled up to Graham’s hard body and let one hand drift to Xander’s chest. They just moved closer in their sleep, and Connor let himself relax. Being between them gave him a feeling of safety like he’d never known before. And he smiled to himself as he drifted off to the soothing sounds of their hearts beating alongside his own.


tbc…..