Recombination

A/N: >>>MarzBar 2005-09-21 id # 2035416826 Psychotic angst. Weird stuff for the First. If it can do this stuff, why does it want the baby?>>>
Aside from being a good bargining tool against Spike it actually has reasons which you’ll start seeing very soon, thanks for the review hon :)


Xander blinked, pausing as he moved down the steps he couldn’t remember what he was doing at Buffy’s house let alone why he was going down into the basement but something inside him screamed not to go any further; on the edge of his hearing he could hear an odd rustling noise. Being a Scooby first and foremost he usually went with his instincts but something made him continue. He walked almost zombie-like down the stairs hearing the rustling grow louder; as he got to the bottom he stopped, turned and went weak at the knees as a gut wrenching pain tore through his stomach and he tried not to heave.

Lying naked, entangled with a white duvet around them were Spike and Buffy. Xander felt bile rise in his throat as he watched them slowly thrust against each other the duvet doing little to hide them, saving their modesty but not the fact that they were actually having sex. Xander swallowed hard as his eyes started to sting, he couldn’t help clenching his fists, they weren’t even just having sex; Spike was on top of her, slow moving into her though thankfully the duvet hid that from Xander’s eyes. Xander’s breathing became more erratic as he unhappily spied, his eyes stinging as they filled with tears of anger and pain. Spike and Buffy were making love, their movements were slow and tender the whole thing sensual and loving.

Xander clenched his fists tighter the nails biting into his palms, he couldn’t say anything; he could barely even stay upright; he didn’t want to watch as they slowly caressed each other, Spike murmuring sweetness into Buffy’s ear as they made love. He could barely stomach what he was seeing but he couldn’t move his legs. He could just stand there staring as his numbed mind tried to accept the harsh reality of Buffy and Spike.

Buffy shrieked as she spotted him standing beside the door and clutched Spike to her, causing Xander’s stomach to give a wrenching flip. He continued to stand there unable to move as the enraged Vampire, his true nature coming to the fore, jumped out of bed and stalked over to him slamming him up against the wall. Xander couldn’t even hear the words Buffy spoke to calm Spike as the vampire pinned him viciously, all he could feel was his cheating lover’s-Buffy-sweat-soaked body pressed up against him. Gagging as the scent of sex hit him full in the face Xander tried to pull away and his lovers amber eyes glared at him, his face pressed next to Xander’s.

“What do you think you’re playing at Harris? Trying to catch a look at us in action.” Spike’s hand encircled Xander’s throat squeezing tightly; Xander panicked as his air supply was cut off, he tried to pull away but was frog-marched up the stairs Spike cruelly kicking the back of his legs when he stumbled. As Xander fell face first on the kitchen floor he managed to turn slightly to avoid smashing his face on the floor; he caught one last glance of Buffy’s slightly sorry-yet-triumphant looking face before Spike knelt down in front of him.

“Get over it Harris. You’re nothing but a full time loser and part time tag along. Why don’t you stop playing around and do us and the world a favour and piss off?” Spike smirked slightly. “Just because I shagged you a few times doesn’t mean I actually like you, I’m just not going to pass up an opportunity to get myself off, even if it is from an easy target.” He ruffled Xander’s hair hard, ripping a few hairs out in the process. “It wasn’t anything but mojo love.” He taunted pushing Xander backwards onto the floor, his head striking the cold linoleum.

Xander lay still and flinched slightly as the door slammed, a cold reminder of what was happening behind it. One hand on his head the other rubbed his bruised neck, he knew without looking the vampire would have left finger marks. Shakily Xander tried to get his breath back and propped himself up, still sitting on the floor his back against the kitchen counter. He could feel his eyes start to well up again and he blinked the tears away trying to make sense of what had happened. To make sense of seeing Buffy and Spike together. Xander’s vision went a little blurry and the pain increased. He couldn’t even put it together, couldn’t find the words all he could feel was the hurt. A hand rested on his shoulder and he looked up wiping his eyes on his jumper as he did. His vision cleared he locked eyes with Giles, a man he considered a cross between a friend and a father. Giles gripped his upper arm and hoisted him up.

On slightly shaky legs Xander moved to say ‘thank you’ and noticed the somber almost accusing look on Giles face grow deeper as the man spoke in the most calm, clinically detached, British voice he possibly could. “Honestly Xander what do you think you are playing at? You offer to get drinks for everyone and then try to spy on Buffy and Spike? Now those two have had a very rough time of it lately, you can’t seriously expect either of them to actually stand for it. If you ask me, Spike was well in his rights to chuck you out.”

Xander blinked, frowning at the Watcher’s harsh words. “Throw me out? Since when have Buffy and Spike started doing the nasty anyway?” He bit back the *if anyone’s with Spike it’s me.* “And I didn’t ask you.”

Giles frowned and removed his glasses to clean them. “I don’t mean to aggravate you Xander but I won’t stand for this behavior and as you can see neither will Spike or Buffy especially in their own house. “ The watcher put his glasses back on. “Now you can do one of two things Alexander, you can leave now and try to make them all feel guilty or you can come back into the lounge and help Willow and I with research.”

A hollow feeling of abandonment settled over Xander and he looked at Giles in intense confusion. The pain at seeing Buffy and Spike was bad enough but it had become a lot more surreal when talking with Giles. “Willow,” he murmured moving past Giles to see his friend. If anyone could sort out what had gone wrong it was Willow, it had to be some kind of spell which Willow could breakand slthough Xander knew she didn’t mess around with magic anymore the whole thing reeked of wrongness. He was sure Willow could fix it but as he moved passed Giles the man grabbed his arm forcing him to stop.

“I don’t think you ever listen to a word I say.” The watcher sighed. “I’ll spell it out for you Xander. You behavior is getting ridiculous, Willow apologized for the Spike fiasco and this pretence is only making her feel more guilty. Or at least it was, I think she’s given up with coddling you as she bloody well should. “

Xander stared at him in disbelief. “Coddling me?” He brushed the others mans hands off and Giles spun him around and against the wall.
“Now you listen to me you stupid boy. Don’t think that I’ll pussy-foot around you the way that Willow has. Frankly it’s getting on everyone’s nerves and its time to set the record straight.”

His eyes bored intensely into Xander’s and the younger man felt it difficult to look away. “Giles?”

The watcher ignored him. “You should go home Xander, in fact you should leave Sunnydale altogether. It would be safer for yourself and quite frankly a load off everyone else’s back.” He let Xander shoulders go. “Look at yourself Xander. You’ve never amounted to anything and whilst it was sweet and we were proud of your help when you were a teenager you’re a man now. You have no power, you can’t fight, you just get in the way. Time after time you’ve blundered in and compounded already-explosive situations. Honestly Xander, the only thing you are useful for anymore is collecting the dinner plates or acting as bait, your researching is well below average and despite what we teach you, you seem determined to do whatever suits you best.”

Giles stepped back and crossed his arms intense annoyance on his face. “Now I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this but you don’t seem to take hints very well, I suggest you go home, think over what I have said and apologize to them in the morning.” He stood there watching Xander.

“Wha-?“ Xander coughed and tried again, “G-?“ He swallowed hard, unable to get the words out as the icy hand that had gripped his stomach when he’d been in the basement, worked its way up to his chest. His eyes grew a little more blurry as he stared at the man he’d thought his friend. He had a good job, very well paid and a great apartment one he usually shared with….the icy feeling grew; so he didn’t have Spike anymore or Buffy, obviously not Giles. A bitter laugh echoed around his head at the thought and he turned pushing passed the watcher to talk to the one person who could stop it all from hurting, his best friend. He almost tripped as he moved into the room, he was glad to see Willow was alone. He didn’t want Dawn to see him this upset.

“Xander?” His heart grew cold as she turned towards him her perplexed frown turning into annoyance. “Xander, what were you doing going down there? It’s private time remember, we spoke about this before.” As she glanced behind him, Xander turned slightly seeing Giles behind him. The watcher ignored him but glanced at Willow, nodded and went back out. Xander turned back to Willow, hurt coursing through him.

“What’s going on?”

Willow sighed indicating he should sit down; when Xander refused and continued to stand his fists clenched at his side, she shrugged and sat down herself. “What part?” she asked casually crossing her arms.

Xander’s eyes widened. “What part? Gee I don’t know. How about the part where Buffy and Spike are macking on each other again when he’s meant to be my boyfriend!” He paused flushing slightly at the anger he felt and a nasty thought popped into his head *well done, you finally admit to yourself that you are head over heels in love with him and he’s back with the Buffster.*

“Great timing, why didn’t I just tell him that?” he murmured to himself.

Willow raised an eyebrow. “Xander Harris this is getting old. How many times do we have to go over this, how many times are you going to use this guilt card!” She stood up, her eyes flashing angrily at him as she moved closer to him. “I know what Giles said must have upset you Xander but you had to have seen it coming. I mean no one apart from me actually tolerates you anymore Xander and you are treading a thin line with me mister.” She put her hands on her hips.

Xander would have laughed at the image if her words weren’t so hurtful; he felt the icy pain in his chest again and he tried to hold back the tears. “So this is what? Some kind of joke then, a royal mind fuck? That’s what everything I remember was.” He moved closer to her. “This isn’t you Willow, and that’s not Spike!” he gestured angrily to the kitchen and basement. “And that’s not Giles or Buffy. They would never act like this and despite what I saw Buffy and Spike would never sleep together again. They wouldn’t do it to hurt me or to each other. Spike and I are together, we live together. We even raise the kid together.”

Willow looked at him as if he was out of his mind. “You don’t live with anyone Xander.” She stated simply “Not since the spell got taken off Anya and she left you for her Demon job again. You have no child, neither does Spike and he and Buffy are together, you know that. The whole Spike thing…” she waved her hands erratically. “I’ve told you before you weren’t meant to get hurt. It was punishment for Spike, a simple love spell. After what he nearly did to Buffy he deserved it. I figured you’d well you know and he’d be…” She trailed off. “We’ve been over this before Xander I’m sorry Anya wanted to become a demon again, I’m sorry she warped Spike’s spell to affect you too so she could get D’Hoffren’s interest but it’s your own fault Xander. I told you not to go with her and you did. I told you not to go near Cordy and looked what happened there, you tried Buffy and then me….It got old Xander, really old and annoying and specially back when I thought I was in love with you and you went with Cordelia. The spell it was my first one and it was just meant to make you hurt for me like I hurt for you but you had to ruin that too and kiss me and upset Oz!” She glared at him.

Xander’s mind was trying to keep up with her but every word she spoke was like a punch to the gut. He’d given up with hiding the tears and now they slid silently down his face as she finished her rant. “You put a spell on me to make you love you back then?” he asked slowly things fitting neatly together in a horrible pattern, “And because it worked I kissed you and nearly messed you and Oz up; you put a spell on Anya to be with me? Was it was all fake?” he asked staring incredulously at her, the tears still coming. “And then you put one on Spike for ‘nearly raping’ Buffy to punish him by fucking me!” He laughed bitterly. “I can see it now, the ultimate punishment. Forget torture, just have your boy fall in with and shag Xander Harris. Once the spell wears off and he realizes what’s happened, hell that’s punishment enough, what could be crueler?” he spat.

Willows eyes narrowed. “Maybe if you started actually being useful for something that wouldn’t be the only thing you could do.” Her smile turned slightly brutal. “But you couldn’t even do that right could you Xander? Seeing how well you two got on Buffy got more then a little jealous but I would have left the spell on if it wasn’t getting disgusting to see you two all over each other. “

Xander stepped closer to her, clenching his fists so tightly, the skin broke and small droplets of blood seeped through his fingers. His mind was whirling and screaming at him and the cold feeling threatened to break him as he stepped closer trying not to completely break down. A small voice shouted at the back of his mind, trying to get passed the fury, his own mind telling him to ‘shut up and actually look.’

For a split second he listened to the voice and he saw it. The gleam of cruel triumph shining from Willow’s eyes, the fleeting exhilaration and pleasure that made him pause and focus on her. As she screamed and jeered at him, he remained quiet the tears slowing to a stop. His mind focused on her and went blank as he realized the truth with absolute certainty.

“You’re not Willow,” he spoke quietly the truth sinking in faster at the annoyed, panicked look that briefly flicked across the fake-Willow’s face. As she went to speak Xander smiled softly, the icy hand that had clutched at his chest dissipating. ”You aren’t Willow, I see that now, I don’t know what you are but you aren’t her. No one knows my Wils like I know her. Parents, girlfriends, even Buffy. Despite everything we’ve been through no one knows her quite like me and no one knows me as well as her. You might have terrified me, used everything I’m afraid of against me and I might have briefly forgotten that, but it was only briefly.”

He stepped back a pace. “Willow, my Willow would never act like this. She might be slightly insane or psychotic from time to time but she’s still Willow and I still love her for it. Just as she loves me. I know Willow would never be deliberately cruel, she’s never so much as laid a mouse trap. She can be evil, end of the world or skanky vamp Willow but she’s still not cruel.” His voice was shaky but he was clear as he looked at the Willow thing with contempt. “Whoever you are, whatever you are trying to do it won’t work.” He smirked. “Bravo on the others though, you really had me fooled with Spike and Buffy. I guess when you’re in love with someone every little insecurity seems like a reality and Giles …Nice work on translating my fears but you overplayed it a little with Willow. I could have believed the others but her, no.” He stared at the fake-Willow seeing something ugly as the image wavered.

“Willow?” Xander called cautiously looking around him, “Spike, Buffy, Giles?” He called ignoring the fake-Willow’s blusters as it babbled and attempted to cover its tracks. He called the names again in desperation, trying to visualize each one in turn, feeling nothing but emptiness. Trying to concentrate on each of his friends he screamed thri names again; as he tried Willow’s name he felt a slight feeling, a little less hollowness. He focused on it, grabbing the fake-Willow as it lunged for him and throwing it to the ground where it snarled at him. Focusing on his friendhe kept calling for her. He felt a heavy weight in his arms and he almost fell over as Willow appeared.

The real Willow.

Xander saw it as soon as their eyes met. She was as exhausted and upset as he was but she was real. He supported her and looked over to the Fake-Willow which shrieked and snarled. It was poised to pounce as a cat would but it seemed unable to come close. Xander glanced at the Willow he held in his arms, she was chanting something, very softly her eyes turning a vivid green colour. As the green glow spread across her eyes Xander felt a calming warmth run through his body and he glanced towards the Fake-Willow. Something ancient and evil flashed through its eyes and it screamed loudly. The green colour flooded Xander’s vision and dizziness overtook him; he gripped Willow tightly listening for her chant as the creatures scream stopped.

************

Xander felt the cold hard floor against his cheek and he opened his eyes. Bright green spots danced in front of his vision and he blinked them back. He sat up slowly and looked around. Willow was lying next to him, she was stirring slightly, trying to wake herself up. Checking she was all right he looked to his other side and felt his heart leap, Spike had gone yet his lover had been next to him. Xander rubbed his head trying to put his fractured thoughts back together again; he remembered getting an urgent call from Giles, he’d found something a demon or something that could be the cause of the strange happenings around Sunnydale, everyone’s bizarre behaviour. He and Spike had gone there with every intent to help but they’d barely stepped inside when Xander had stumbled falling to the ground. He’d managed to look towards Willow and Anya but they’d both been unconscious. He remembered something pressing down hard on his mind, a migraine feeling settling across his head. He remembered screaming and Spike falling down next to him. That’s when the dream had started, the horrible pseudo-reality that had tried to break him.

Xander shuddered, something or someone had taken Spike, he felt a great rage sweep across him as he slowly stood up. He moved over to Anya and tried to rouse her. “Ahn? Wake up Anya, it’s okay it’s Xander.” She looked more comatose then asleep, not at all peaceful or even troubled, it was like her body was there but her mind was not. Xander winced *Maybe the thing that nearly got us, got her* He thought moving to the open training room door. He didn’t want to step inside, Willow was starting to stir properly now and he didn’t want to leave her alone especially whilst she was half-asleep and vulnerable. A horrible thought struck him as he looked towards the unconscious bodies of Giles and Buffy, then he felt his chin and sighed. Both he and Giles had at least 3 days worth of growth of beard on their faces, Giles shaved everyday as did he so both had been clean shaven before they collapsed. “So why didn’t anything attack us?” he wondered aloud moving back over towards Willow, he looked at the open door imagining the possibilities, “The Buffster out of commission it should be free for all especially on us. It must have the demons too.” Xander sighed; on the one hand it had kept their bodies out of danger on the other Sunnydale was home to some powerful magic, mainly in the form of Willow, and some powerful demons. He wasn’t keen on meeting the thing that could subdue them all.

Hearing Willow’s groan he bent down putting a hand on her shoulder, instantly she looked up deep fear in her eyes, “It’s me Wils.” He reassured her as he pulled her to her feet. He saw comprehension in her eyes as she nodded . Xander didn’t even have to explain, Willow took one look around her and murmured five words which spurred them into action.

“The First, it has them.”