You Mean The World To Me

Chapter Twenty


"You want to what?" Buffy asked Spike a week later as he sat before her on the coffee table.

"I want to us to go away for a bit. You loved England so much, we'll go back. I'll give you the tour as I know the place."He grinned at her, trying to gain her excitement. The past week had been nothing if not difficult. Her recovery physically had gone well. The gash on her arm was healing progressively and showed signs of minimal scarring. The bruises on her body were fading and while she slept more than usual, she was healing. In other ways, however, she was distant. Spike had practically settled himself into Giles' with her, but she had sent him home. It had hurt him to the core, but he respected her wishes to be alone. She barely spoke to either man, and oftentimes she was short with them. She barely let Spike touch her, and wouldn't touch him. She was treating him the same as when she'd distanced herself from him before and it tore him up inside. Spike was hoping that bringing up taking a much needed vacation would brighten her spirits and perhaps help her come out of the shell she seemed to have erected around herself.

She looked at him, devoid of emotion. "So, it's okay for me to shirk my responsibilities as long as I'm with you. But, it's not okay to do that when I'm not with you." She picked up her book and looked at it, not meeting his gaze any longer. "I'm not going away, Spike. But if you feel the need to, trust me, I understand."

Angrily, he took the book from her hands and flung it across the room.

"Hey!" She shouted angrily at him and bolted up to get it.

He grabbed her wrist, tightly enough to stop her and yet not hurt her. "What is going on with you?" He demanded.

"Well, I'm a tad irritated by the fact that because you suddenly feel the need to get away, it's okay to leave. But when I left, I got shit for it. No wait, I got bit for it!"

He looked at her as if she had just slapped him. "I just wanted to get away with you, let you rest somewhere where you're happy and relaxed--"

"I can't go away. Can't shirk my responsibilities remember? You were the first one to harp on me about that."

"I was wrong."

She let out a bitter laugh, "really? What made you decide that? When I was almost gutted like a fish by my own hand?"

"I told you long tha that I was wrong for thinking you were selfish for that. I told you that you are the most caring person I've ever met--"

"Well, I care enough to stay and fight the good fight that you're always talking about. Just because you feel a certain whimsy to get away from it--"

"I feel a certain whimsy to get awayaway from it," he told her sharply.

"Doesn't matteere ere you go or what you do to get away from it. No matter what you do or where you go--no matter how far you go--every time you turn around, there you are. You've been telling me all this time about accepting my destiny. Now that I have, you can't."

"I can't stand to see you hurt!"

"I've been hurt before, how is now any different?"

"This is the first time you've ever been hospitalized for it. This is the first time you--you--"

"That I could have died. And actually, it's not the first time. There was the vampire gang before that and all the vampires and demons before them. I could have died at any time. I could have been hospitalized at any time. The only difference between this time and all those other times were you weren't with me. You know what I think? I think you feel guilty."

He hung his head in defeat.

"Well, don't. You found me in time and I'm alive. You did your job."

Spike looked up. "Is that all you think you are to me? A job?"

"Well, that's the whole reason you're here isn't it? I mean, if Whistler hadn't come along and introduced us, you wouldn't be here."

"I chose to be with you because I loved you. Not because you were a job to me."

"You ever wonder what would have happened had you never met me? Or if there was some other girl he wanted you to protect? What if there was some other vampire for me to work with? I mean, what's so special about us? Would you have fallen in love with some other girl? Was this the way it was meant to be because I'm a supergirl and you're a vampire? Is it just a workplace thing? Is it even real? If I was just some normal girl with no powers would you still love me? Or is it the superpowers that really turn you on? Does a girl have to be strong in order to turn your head? Am I just hot for vamp? Or? Or is it you? It occurs to me that I've never really given it a chance. I mean, yeah, I've dated, but I've never really tried ya know? I never thought there was a point to it. I always felt that somehow I belonged to you. Me Superpower, you Superpower, why would anyone else be needed? Well, you know what? I'm tired of living my life according to some plan. I don't want to give anyone the chance to dictate to me anymore. It's my life. I'm doing what I want, when I want and how I want from now on."

He clenched his jaw. "What are you telling me here?"

"I'm saying that I think going away is a good idea."

He blinked, "you do? We can--"

"No, Spike. I think you going away is a good idea."

He touched his chest--did she just stake him? It felt like she did. He shook his head, "no, no. I won't leave you."

"You don't have a choice this time. I don't want you here." Her voice sounded so devoid of emotion. It blinded him. He couldn't see straight, if he needed to breathe, he would have passed out.

"You don't mean that."

"No? Why don't we find out?"

"How can you say this to me? You know I love you. You're not just super girl to me. You know that--"

"I'm really not in the mood to listen to your side right now," and she turned away from him. "Let yourself out."

He grabbed her arm, her good arm and tugged her forcefully to him.

"What are you going to do, Spike? Bite me?" She challenged him coldly.

He let her arm go. "I'm not leaving you. And I'm not letting you leave me."

She shook her head and gave him a sympathetic smile. "Haven't you figured it out yet? I've already left you."

He shook his head. "You haven't. Not yet."

"Goodbye Spike."

He started to go after her when a voice stopped him. "Let her go."

The sound of the door closing signaling Buffy's departure was the only noise in the room before Spike spun to Giles and screamed at him. "Are you trying to keep me from her now?"

"I'm trying to help you, actually." Giles said calmly.

"How?"

"If you run out of here after her, you will not do anything but further anger her and push her away."

Spike plopped down on the couch, defeated. "What's going on with her? Why is she pushing me away like this? We were doing so well. She had feelings for me, she admitted she had feelings for me."

"She loves you. She still does."

"That certainly didn't feel like she loved me!"

"She's confused right now, Spike."

"How can she be confused about how I feel about her?"

"She's not. Deep down, she knows you really love her. And she loves you. She's distancing herself to cope with what happened. It scared her more than she's willing to let on."

"I know it frightened her and I want to help."

"She doesn't want your help or mine. It just wasn't the fact that she almost died that frightens her so much. It's how it happened, that it was by her own hand--"

"That Dru toyed with her mind."

"Right. That someone had that control over her."

Spike shook his head, "and of course that reminds her of when I claimed her and forced myself on her."

"I'm afraid so. She never did come to terms with her place as a girl who will never be normal. A lot has happened since she came home and hasn't really had any time to adjust. First you, then the Slayer's death, the vampire gang, you again and now Drusilla. Il cal came to a head when Dru attacked her. It frightens her to think that a demon could come along and toy with her like that. She feels as if she has no control over her life and it makes her angry. Therefore, she's lashing out at everyone involved. She won't barely speak to me either, Spike. Her coping method is to hide inside herself and shut the world out. In this way, she feels she'll also protect everyone from getting hurt should anything happen to her."

"So what do I do? Just wait until this rides itself out? I know she's in pain and she won't let me help. She wants me to leave."

"No, she doesn't. She thinks she does, but it would kill her if you did. Give her space, but be here in case she needs you. Don't crowd her, but be around. It will reassure her that no matter how angry and hurt she is, you still love her. Offer your help to her, talk to her, don't shut yourself out, but don't force her into anything."

"Is that what you've been doing?"

Giles nodded and sighed heavily. "She won't talk about what happened and I won't force her to talk about it. I told her that if she needed to talk about it, I would be here. She hasn't approached me about it and I won't push."

Spike sighed heavily and leaned back against the couch. "If she goes out at night to patrol, I have to go with her. I can't just let her go alone. Not when she's like this."

"As well you should. Just don't be surprised by her anger when you do."

"At least if she's angry, she's talking to me. That's got to be better than her silence."

A/N: Okay, I know that Buffy is being Uber Bitch, but she will get better....Giles knows what he's talking about.