Snowbound

Chapter Eighteen

Giles scarcely noticed the arrival of Angel and Wesley; Angel through the bedroom door, Wesley circling around through the corridor to appear behind Ethan, who stood with his back to the open door, both, like Spike, managing to look ready to fight efficiently despite their informal attire. The room was filled with a charged, expectant silence, and far too many people for such a small space, but all he saw was Ethan.

At first, Giles had thought him unchanged, but as he continued to stare at him, with eyes starved of the sight of him for so long, he sawh a h a clearer vision. Ethan’s hair was cropped short, as was the fashion, and the dark locks were stippled with grey at his temples. Lines carved by pain were etched deeply around eyes and mouth and he was wearing clothing that, though as modish as ever, was a far cry from the splendid costumes of their youth. Ethan in a severely cut navy coat and buff breeches? Giles thought of his own staid wardrobe with a pang, his mind catching at the trivial thought with relief. Then his eyes fell on the cane Ethan held and, with a shock, he saw that though it was silver topped and elegant, it was far from being an accessory.

“You travel quickly, sir,” Angel said, his voice formal and his dark eyes watchful. “We had not looked for you until this evening.”

“Indeed? And what would my welcome have been had you time to prepare, I wonder?” Ethan did not take his eyes from Giles but his next words were addressed to Wesley. “I’m afraid I do not know your name, but I very much dislike people breathing down my neck. Perhaps you would be so kind as to desist?”

Wesley hesitated and then stepped around Ethan and stood beside Spike, receiving a sweet smile in return and an ironic inclination of Ethan’s head. “Much better. Dear me, Rupert, what an imposing bodyguard you have assembled. In my honour?”

“We’ll see no harm comes to him, and we mean you none either, but we are here on other business,” Spike said, his eyes going from Etho Gio Giles, his expression thoughtful. He shrugged and then, under the astonished eyes of his friends, who were clearly puzzled by his lack of animosity, made the customary introductions.

“I know you,” Ethan said abruptly. “Oh, not your names, though I think I once had the dubious pleasure of your father’s company at a house party, young Pryce. Is he still alive or is the world a cleaner place for his passing?”

“He is dead,” Wesley answered. “And though I cannot mourn him, it is not for such as you to judge him.”

“So hot!” Ethan marveled. “I am not fit to black his boots, is that it? Have it as you wish.” His eyes flickered. “What have you been telling them, that they think so ill of me, Rupert?”

“They know little,” Spike said, stepping forward and blocking Giles’ view of Ethan, which brought him a measure of relief and then a swift surge of panic, as though unseen, Ethan would vanish and leave him again. Though it was I who left him, he thought, tasting the bitterness of it, though still unable to accept the monstrous injustice of what he had done. Too many shocks, heaping over him as the earth heaps on a fresh grave...he retreated into listening to Ethan parrying each thrust with his familiar skill.

“Then they judge me on scraps, glued to make a whole? How fitting for friends of Rupert.”

“I know what happened between you,” Spike said quietly. “He had just finished telling me when you arrived.”

Ethan pursed his lips and then shrugged, dismissing Spike. “I confess to some small bewilderment. I know why I am here; I felt the rise of a power that I had thought never to be near again, but how is it that I am expected?” He swung around and once more moved into Giles’ sight. “How can you feel me?”

“How could I not?” Giles said with difficulty. “The bond – it is no longer broken.”

A slender hand was waved in dismissal. “It never was. You damaged it, but break it utterly? That is not possible. But it was not you who drew me here, Rupert.” He turned and regarded the three men with a small frown. “It was you, was it not? The three of you...”

“We know what we are,” Angel said impatiently. “And Giles said our power had called to you – that, I cannot understand and do not care to, but I will tell you this; for all that lies between us –” Wesley stirred but remained silent, “- I am pledged to aid Giles, as friend helps friend. You come here and threaten him with death but that will not happen.” He turned. “Spike; while Wesley and I settled our differences – do not stand there grinning like an ape! – you learned enough that you seem disinclined to stand by Giles; why?”

“That’s not for me to say,” Spike said, shaking his head. He went to Giles, gripping him by the shoulders. “Do you want me to ask him? Find out the truth?”

“No...” Giles pushed him aside gently. “I know it. I see it in his face.” He took a breath and said, “Leave us? Please?”

“No!” Wesley said, forcing his way past Angel’s outstretched arm. “Giles, let me stay to make sure you are safe.”

“Sweet,” Ethan commented with a wry twist of his lips. “You had ever good taste, Rupert. A little young, perhaps, but I can see the temptation, indeed I can.”

“You will be silent,” Angel said with an icy certainty. “Or I’ll forget your advanced age and deal with you as I would any presumptuous fool.”

“And do enlighten me as to my imminent fate,” Ethan said silkily. “Am I to be bored to death by your posturings? Or soundly thrashed?”

Angel opened his mouth to reply but closed it when he caught Spike’s warning frown. Clearly striving for control, he opened compressed lips and said curtly, “You are here uninvited and with a grudge. I may not know the whole, but I will not have you hurting Giles or insulting my – ”

His voice faltered and Ethan pursed his lips thoughtfully, “Lover?” he hazarded, sounding politely curious. “Soul-mate, even, though perhaps such poetic flights are not to your liking. “Th “That’s far from poetry,” Spike said. “Sober fact, if what we’re told is true.”

“Told you by Rupert? Ah, well in that case –”

Ethan shook his head in mock sadness and Wesley flushed with anger at the implied insult. “I’ve never known him speak false, or ill of any! You should apologise, sir!”

“No,” Giles could not move, for he feare wou would stumble and fall, but he made his voice strong. “I must speak to Ethan alone. Spike – please? And if he – if I die – do not let them hurt him. I need your word on this.”

One searching glance and Spike nodded. “You have it.”

He swept his two friends out of the room and into the corridor, closing the door behind him. Giles waited for their voices to fade, wondering how successful Spike would be in forcing them to let Ethan go – he was persuasive, but he might have been given a task beyond even his powers.

“Are you eager to die that you send away all that stands between you and your end?”

“Oh, there have been happy moments since we parted, Ethan,” Giles said. “But few that have not been tinged with bitterness. If you feel that my death will ease any of the hurt I’ve done, then strike at me; I’ll not defend myself.”

“What is this? Why are you penitent now when before you were adamant in your refusal to accept my innocence?” Ethan frd, ld, looking almost petulant. “You spoil even my revenge, Rupert. ‘Tis most unworthy of you.”

“You wish to fight?” Giles found the strength he needed to walk to Ethan, swift steps, until they were close enough to touch. “I’ll give you a real death, if you wish it, Ethan. I’ll put a sword or a pistol in my hand and let you pretend to beat me, let you see my blood, smell it on the air, feel it sticky on your fingers. I’ll give you my life as I took yours from you. Say the word and I’ll kneel and beg for pain and never ask for you to show mercy.” Ethan’s eyes were dark, his lips tightly closed on any words. Giles moved even closer, dropping his voice to a whisper. “Shall I ask you to forgive me, so that you may have the pleasure of refusing me?”

He waited for the storm to break over him, wondering if Ethan would use magic or the blade Giles knew was concealed within the cane he held. It didn’t matter. It would end, all of it, the loneliness, the constant yearning...and though he’d grown accustomed to enduring them, the added weight of the guilt he’d felt in the last few minutes was too much. He could not conceive of a way in which he could live feeling this much grief. Ethan stood in silence and Giles continued, feeling a desperation claw at him.

“Ethan, I know I misjudged you, know Jennifer’s death was none of your doing – I was wrong. I’ve spent these years missing you and hating myself for it, thinking myself weak...I cannot make that up to you, I cannot give you back what we’ve lost; the time apart, the ruination of the trust we had...I can’t even apologise...”

“Yes you can,” Ethan interrupted, his voice cold. “That you can do. No –” He reached out and caught Giles’ wrist as he began to kneel almost eager to show penitence. “To my face, Rupert.”

Giles closed his eyes and summoned up a measure of calm then met eyes filled with what he could only imagine was disgust. “I offer you my most sincere apologies for every hurt done you at my hands, Ethan. I offer you my life in retribution if that is what you wish.”

“It is not enough.”

The quiet words lay between them and Giles frowned. “I can do no more,” he said feeling helpless.

“You robbed my life of its happiness, stripped youth from me and left me empty, drove me to excesses that may well have damned me, as I foolishly strove to live up to the reputation you gave me...there is no peace for me to be found in your death, Rupert. I had thought there would be, but there is not. There is nothing. There has been nothing since you left me.” Ethan sketched a bow, his face weary. “I’ll let myself out and do, please, make my regrets to the heavenly triplets. They really are quite charmingly impetuous and protective of you; why, even as we speak, I’m sure they’ve planned a suitable place to bury my body. Perhaps you should go to them and relieve their anxieties. Good day.”

He turned towards the door and Giles roused himself from a stupefied silence to call his name. “Ethan – wait!”

“No. This is not mercy I show you, Rupert; do not presume to thank me, or imagine I have any feelings left for you. The hatred died long before the love, if that helps.” Ethan’s gaze travelled over him with a cool indifference and he shrugged. “Be happy; suffer. Live long, or die this night. I care not. Looking at you now, I see nothing of the man I once - ” He broke off and stiffened. “What are you doing?” His face whitened and he reached up to tug at his cravat as though it was choking him. “I cannot – oh God, not again!”

Bewilderment and concern brought Giles forward just in time to catch Ethan as hgan gan to fall. “Ethan! I’m doing nothing, I swear it; what is it?”

Dark, furious eyes glared up at him. “Take your hands off me!”

It was said with an arrogance Giles well remembered but he’d never quailed before it and habit brought an unthinking, “Oh, have done!” to hiss. Hs. He met the anger with a calm that was mostly feigned, because the weight of Ethan’s head against his shoulder was so familiar that he could have thought the years since it last lay there vanished like morning dew. He gentled his voice and said, “Come and rest. My room is through here.”

“Rupert, I came here intent on killing you; I’ll not be tucked up in your bed like an ailing child!”

“If I let go of you, and you can walk away, then by all means leave,” Giles said grimly, losing patience as Ethan struggled to free himself. He let go of him abruptly and watched Ethan take three steps before the strange weakness took him again. Ignoring the barbed protests that had lost the chilling indifference Ethan’s voice had held earlier, he kicked open the door to his room and half carried Ethan to his bed, scooping him up and dropping him, somewhat unceremoniously, in the centre of the bed.

“There. Now rest a moment and I’ll get –”

“Don’t leave,” Ethan said, his voice infinitely weary. “Unless you wish to kill me, and from what I’ve seen, you don’t.”

“How can it hurt you for me to leave?” Giles asked. “You seem to have survived twenty years of my absence.”

He said it without thinking and was unprepared for Ethan’s reaction, laughter that grew from a chuckle and ended in an exhausted whisper. “Fool...would you like me to tell you what will happen next? I can chart every symptom from memory, Rupert. I’ve felt this before. You left me screaming, but that was nothing compared to the agony that waited for me. You closed yourself off from me, left me with nothing; famine after surfeit...I came close to death, but there’s no escape that way for me.” Ethan’s dark head moved restlessly on the pillow. “Perhaps now there is...”

“Ethan, I’ll not let you die,” Giles said quietly. He hesitated and then reached out, clasping his fingers around Ethan’s wrist, feeling the fever-heat rising from his skin and a racing pulse. “Tell me what you need; what helped you last time. Tell me what I need to know.”

“And this time you’ll listen?”

Bitterness there, but Giles heard the plea that turned the sneer into a question, and stroked his fingers across the back of Ethan’s hand. “This time, yes, I’ll listen. Ethan, please – love, let me –” The endearment slipped out before he could hold it back.

“No.” The tone was fierce, if the word was no more than a whisper. “This changes nothing. Touch me if you must – it will help me, so I’ll allow it, but not one word from you that sounds as if we are as we were. Not one.”

Forcing down the pain that command caused him, Giles nodded mutely, slipping his hand into Ethan’s and sitting down beside him on the bed.

Ethan closed his eyes for a moment. “It began with that spell I did to bind us,” he began. “I mihavehave made a slight error...”

“You might have what?” Giles kept his grip on Ethan’s hand but used his free one to rub at his face. “Ethan, you bloody idiot!”

“I believe that cuts deeper than ‘love’,” Ethan said slowly. “Strive for a polite courtesy, if you would.”

“It’s difficult,” Giles said with the honesty Ethan always called from him. “I can’t – God, Ethan, it’s been a hell of a week! You’re the perfect final act, you know that?”

Dark brows swept together. “Are you being deliberately obtuse? What...acts do I follow?”

“I’ve been possessed by a demon for weeks, slept with a man I’ve loved for years and thought never to have – and, no, you need not be jealous – ah, of course you won’t be; you care not what I do, am I right? – thought myself a murderer, found out you were not one, seen you for the first time in decades and you tell me to be polite?” Giles shook his head. “You’ve asked much of me I thought impossible, and yet achieved, but this – this is beyond me. I’ll not deliberately treat you as what you once were – my lover, my nd –nd – I’ve lost that right, but if I slip, I do it not out of a desire to wound, but because –” His voice dropped and he said softly, “The years apart seem like hours now I see you again. I cannot quite grasp that we’ve lived through them, that we’ve been estranged by my folly. ‘Tis too easy to forget now we are together once more –”

Ethan closed his eyes and ed. ed. “I know,” he admitted. “But, Rupert, we cannot go back to what we once had. As well try and catch the sunlight.” His voice was inflexible. “Now, will you be silent and listen? You may regale me with your tales if I survive and I’ll oblige you with all the seething hatred of young Wesley that your heart desires if you’ll just be silent a while.”

“How did you know it was Wesley?” Giles said without thinking.

Ethan rolled his eyes. “Shall we pretend you did not insult my intelligence and move on? Yes? The spell. You were reluctant, as I’m sure you remember –” His face twisted in pain and Giles tightened his handclasp. “I had forgotten how much this hurts...where was I? Reluctant, aye, and so I changed the spell a trifle – no, do not frown at me, and do not begin to lecture me; I know the dangers. I knew the dangers of the spell as it stood and so I...appropriated them all, rather than sharing. Selfish of me, wasn’t it? That is why I screamed my throat raw while you – tell me, Rupert, what did you do in those first weeks apart? You danced, did you not? Flirted and drank, gambled and rode...welcomed back into the fold with open arms?”

“No.” Giles recalled those days of despair with a shudder. “I drank yes, but I was alone. You must know I gave up the title, moved to Oxford...but that was later. While you suffered, so did I. It was –” his breath caught, “it was well night unbearable thinking of you that way, losing every memory to the loathing and the hatred that filled me. I thought her blood lay on my hands; thought I had doomed her, you see.”

“Christ, Rupert!” The disgust was there now and Ethan’s hand twisted free. “I’d have taken you from her if I could, if I’d needed to, but I’d have done it honestly! It would have been a kindness; you never loved her in a way that would have brought either of you happiness, and she was a pretty chit, with enough money to have found a suitor once you left.”

“I know that now,” Giles said, regret filling him. He looked at Ethan who was driving his teeth hard into his lip, jaw clenched. “It’s worse now, isn’t it? Will you not let me touch you? Ease it a little?”

There was no reply but when he reached out for Ethan’s hand again it was allowed and Ethan shuddered, as if the cessation ofn han had left him empty. “That was not pleasant,” he said with some difficulty.

“I know,” Giles said, filled with a helpless pity. “Ethan – let me ask you this because I want no more secrets between us; why did you tell me Jennifer’s death reminded you of your mother’s?”

“She took the drug too,” Ethan said, with faint surprise in his eyes. “I recognised the signs. Why?”

“She died in a carriage accident,” Giles protested.

“And had she not, she would have been dead within the month, but I do not think it made my father’s anger toward the drunken coachman, whose clumsy handling of the reins overturned her chaise and killed them both, any the less.” Ethan gave Giles a tight, mocking smile. “What? Are sick people not allowed to die in other manners? Pray tell me logic was not what he taught at Oxford, for I fear you have but a poor grasp of the subject.”

“I –” Aghast at his own stupidity, Giles could only stare, speechless.

“Enlightenment paints your face such an interesting shade, Rupert. Any more questions I might answer? No? Then, as I was saying, I amended the spell. Separation of any sort brings consequences; oh, we need not have lived in each other’s pockets, but a six month apart and we’d have begun to notice certain symptoms. Not that I can conceive of us – then – being parted for so long. When you, very clumsily I might add, tried to break our bond, you visited upon me such torment asld nld normally only come with your death. I survived...barely. I think it must have been your ineptitude that saved me.” He smiled sweetly at Giles, clearly enjoying the look of consternation his words had caused. “The bond healed, repaired itself a trifle, and thus I healed too, a little at least.” The smile faded and Ethan turned his head to stare at the window. “Sometimes I wished I had not.”

“I cannot agree,” Giles said, clasping Ethan’s hands between his. “Now tell me why you are suffering now.”

“For us to be together after so long and not touch, for me to attempt to leave and it be no idle threat...the spell is sentient to a degree. It panicked, I suppose and this is my punishment, held at bay as we touch.”

“That is nonsense!” Giles protested. “You speak of it as though it were alive; that cannot be!”

“It was born of our love,” Ethan answered, looking briefly at Giles. “Alive? Not in any sense that we would comprehend perhaps, but yes, in a way. Your three friends; what we made with magic, imperfectly, they come by from birth. Ask them if their love goes beyond what is normally thought of.”

“It does,” Giles admitted, “but still...Wesley suffered no harm from lying with me.”

“That surprises me, to be frank,” Ethan replied. “I’d discuss it with him, but I fear my interest might be misconstrued.”

Giles smiled reluctantly. “I doubt Angel would agto ito it, and ‘tis he who makes most of the decisions in their group.”

“Really?” Ethan pursed his lips but seemed content to leave it at that. His eyes drifted closed again and a silence fell on the room.

“We cannot remain like this,” Giles said, squeezing Ethan’s hand gently. “Is there nothing we can do to help you?”

Ethan nodded.

“Well? Let us do it, then! You cannot think I like seeing you in such distress.”

“I suggest you accustom yourself to it then,” Ethan told him, withdrawing his hand. “As I’m not fit to travel like this, I must beg lodging from you for a while, but as the only way to convince the spell that we’re together is to fuck, and I’d sooner lie with the horse I rode here on, I’m afraid you’ll have to endure my distress a little while longer.” Sweat stood out on his brow and his muscles locked in a spasm of pain. “Go away, Rupert. You have your answers and I’d as soon die alone. I’ve grown used to the state.”