Recombination

The creatures scream of rage slowly died down as it realized that the First might still let it have the vampire’s mind once it had finished with him. It laughed maniacally to itself as it contemplated the hell that the First would be preparing for the vampire and cheered itself up by running through the witches mind. Had it lips, it would have smirked. The witch was brimming over with power, most which she suppressed within herself, frightened by it. It could block the power for a short time to use her worst imaginings against her, it vibrated with glee as it scanned the boy relishing the untapped potential and compassion held with him.

On a high the creature decided to go for the ultimate buzz; it dived into the boys imagination, spinning his mind trip out of control and into hostility. Its vibrations increased as the boys pulse and breathing did, it could sense the fear and hopelessness already beginning to form and it relished it, siphoning off small parts to feed itself with. It laughed cruelly, the two would be their own undoing, the weakest two would prove most entertaining.

As it twisted Xander’s mind, it reached out and began tugging cruelly at Willow’s impairing the witch’s magic and sending her on one way ticket to hell of her own.

*************

“Well look who’s awake!” was the first thing Willow heard as she opened her eyes groggily. She blinked screwing them closed and wishing she hadn’t opened them in the first place. The man’s cheery drawl went better with her instant mental image of him then the reality. “Now, now is that any way to behave Miss Rosenberg?”

Confused, she opened her eyes again looking across at the somber looking gentlemen in front of her. He was wearing a white laboratory coat and an expression on his face that suggested he either thought she was playing him for a fool, the most disgusting thing he’d ever seen and had to deal with or something not worth his time. His body language suggested all of the above. She moved to sit up and then realized with a start that she was sitting up, in a very hard metal chair that was digging into her back. She shifted slightly and moved to pull herself in closer.

She paused, confusion hitting harder as she tried to move again. Panicked she tried to pull her hands out in front of her, she looked down hoping they’d just gone numb. Her breath caught as her frightened mind registered what she was wearing, a white tightly bound straightjacket. Her arms were pinned across her chest, her hands locked to her sides. The words ‘so you can hug yourself all day’ floated sarcastically through her mind.

Willow bit her lips frantically trying to struggle, she barely had time to register the person next to her before she felt the stinging pain in her neck. She tried to talk to scream at the man with the disinterested expression in front of her but an eerie sense of calm flowed through her as her body relaxed, sinking into the painfully biting chair. Her breath caught as sobs forced there way out and she pleaded mutely with everything she had, to be let go.

The mans expression barely changed, if anything it got more annoyed. “Miss Rosenberg if you insist in this ridiculous charade each and every time we meet I’ll have you locked up for the rest of your natural life, do you understand me?” His voice was cold and she could only stare at him with dread as he continued.

“Such action is against you’re best interest, we are well aware that you were incapacitated when you committed the crimes, you have my full support in that but if you do not accept what you have done and move on from it we cannot help you. This is the fifteenth time we have tried to recall the memory from within you but neither of you refuse to co-operate!” He sighed. “It is of my opinion that you are suffering from some form of multiple personality disorder however I am loath to class you as having such considering the elaborate fairytale you’ve woven yourself.”

Willow swallowed hard. “Hey, hey I don’t any kind of multiples especially not personalities.” Her voice had a slight panic raised to it. “And I’ll have you know I’ve never committed a crime, not a single one….” Her breath hitched as the face floated in front of her *Except Warren* she shook herself mentally. “And I don’t even like fairytales,” she finished hopefully.

The man surveyed her with an icy stare. “You may deny what you want Miss Rosenberg but the fact you actually willing to talk instead of retreating into your own world suggests progress.” He opened a file on his desk. “You probably have made yourself forget me, I am Doctor Wilkins, I have been in charge of you for nearly four years now.”

Willow’s eyes widened looking anxiously from side to side. She relaxed slightly as a thought came to her; demon it had to be a demon, trying to trick her to get into her mind and use her magic. She tried to telekinetically remove the jacket but her head began pounding *drugs, those must have been drugs to bind my magic* she thought to herself, looking the doctor up and down.

Buffy had to be all over it and even if she wasn’t she was super-witch minus the evilness, once the drugs wore off she could easily get free. She felt a little better at the thought but she had to play along till one or the other happened. She cocked her head slightly to one side appraising the doctor .“Where is here?” she asked softly.

The Doctor looked at her as if trying to gauge her reaction. “St Marks and Peter’s Hospital for the dangerously mentally Impaired,” he replied quietly watching the shock spread over her face at the words. “You’ve been a resident here nearly three years since we transferred the hospital from Sunnydale-your home.”

Willow clenched her fingers as best she could inside the straightjacket. “I remember Sunnydale, I remember being there but I don’t remember here,” she murmured trying to play into the doctor’s role.

He sighed. “You wouldn’t that’s part of the illness. In most cases the incidents surrounding a person’s traumatic experiences are blocked out and different personas begin to form. You, you’re an enigma.” He looked almost as though he were praising her, she shivered slightly.“Something happened to you a long time ago Willow, do you remember what it was? It wasn’t something someone did to you or tried to do to you, it was something you did to yourself.” He flipped open his file. “Most of our information is gathered over the years but we know the first occurred sometime before the time Jesse was killed.”

Willows eyes water slightly and she blinked back tears as her old friends face came back into her memory. “The night Jesse was killed by …” she shook herself, “I mean when Darla took him and…”

“No Willow,” the man interrupted her “No fantasy characters here, just the truth. Darla didn’t exist, there are no vampires, demons or witches especially not centuries old ones who prey on young men.”

Willows mouth dropped open. “But, but she isn’t a fantasy, she’s Angel’s vampire-like mother or something and she does exist or she did until Buffy staked her.” She looked at him challengingly.

The doctor sighed. “Vampires, demons, witches, werewolves, they don’t exist Willow. Not outside of books and the imagination.” He looked at her pityingly and she felt a cold feeling along her neck and down her back. “I know what you made this Darla for, like what you made this Buffy character for. You’ve told me the stories enough times when I spoke to the so-called Vampire version of yourself.”

Willow jerked slightly. “There is no vampire me. Not in this dimension, in another one where Buffy’s not the slayer, yes Giles told us but not in this one!”

The doctor nodded slightly sadly. “There was, though I haven’t spoken to her in a long time, she had a very different view on this world of yours and your friend Buffy. She was narcissistic, psychopathic and cruel. She told me a lot of things that she used to whisper to you late at night.”

Willow jerked angrily. “Listen you, you demon.” She tried to wave her hands but almost fell off the seat. She bit back the curses as someone behind her bound her to the chair. “She was, she was all those things but she isn’t me; she’s some skanky version of me who was, as you said, psychopathic.”

The doctor shook her head. “She is a part of you Willow, and yes she is unpleasant and psychotic in word of mouth but you Willow, this persona the original one, the one you are now, are the one who is responsible.”

Willows mouth dropped open. “I’ve never, I couldn’t!” She was feeling extremely overwhelmed, things were starting to click into a not-very-nice place and she was feeling very out of her depth.

He nodded. “You would, I don’t know if you meant to but this is why we have these sessions.”

Willow swallowed hard watching him mull an idea over.

“Okay, I will say a name or ask a question you tell me what you think the answer is and I’ll correct you if we need to alright?”

Willow nodded shakily. “You said Jesse but you said Darla didn’t turn him?” she asked in a small voice “And Xander didn’t have to stake him?”

The doctor raised an eyebrow, withdrew a large photograph of Jesse and pushed it onto the table in front of him for her too see. “No, no vampires involved at all, no Darla and no Buffy” He held up his hand. “No Buffy, you worked her back into your story to cover what happened to Jesse even from yourself I believe. We may never know the answer to that.” He sighed. “Jesse was best friend to yourself and Alexander Harris, the three of you were inseparable until High school. Alexander, in your own words, drifted away from you and more towards Jesse. Later you discovered the two had become romantically involved. You must have been very angry.” He looked at her.

Baffled Willow shook her head. “No, Xander only had Spike as his boyfriend he was chasing Buffy just before Jesse died.”

“No,” the man smoothly corrected. “He was dating Jesse and some very deep feelings were involved I believe. Neither boy had the chance to tell you, you found out a few months before Jesse died.” He paused. “You must have become so angry those last few months, your friends pulling away from you, making excuses and not having the decency to tell the truth when all the time you knew, and were jealous.”

Willows eyes widened. “No I’d never be jealous of either of them, I wouldn’t if I had known.” She defended herself, things were starting to get a little muddled. She could almost see the two in front of her locked in a passionate embrace, ignoring her phone calls as she watched them twist and clutch at each other through the windows, as she watched her now-dead best friend slowly peel back the clothes from her Xander-shaped friend.

She blinked, a cold feeling running slightly through her, another image came to her mind as the doctor continued to speak. She could almost feel the jealousy and anger run through her.

“You were furious at them both for that, you didn’t let either of them know you knew, you tried to pretend they were both straight. That Jesse was in love with your friend Cordelia and that Alexander fell for this girl Buffy.” //Xander and Jesse’s hands all over each other as they tenderly made love// her friends pulling away from her// Xander’s look of interest and his desperate need to have Buffy as soon as he met her//

Willow shook her head, she couldn’t make out which images were real and which were fake as she could hear was the doctors voice and her own mismatched memories. “They took you out to the Bronze for the evening.” //the first time in weeks they’d wanted to spend proper time with her. Xander looking guilty apologizing saying they’d explain; the three of them playing pool//

“You knew what they were going to tell you and you didn’t want to hear it, you kept putting it off. When Alexander went to get more drinks, Jesse tried to talk too you, tried to explain to you how they felt about each other.” //Jesse trying to explain, becoming frustrated and angry, snapping at her as she tried to ignore him//Her and Jesse, face to face, shouting at each other, the anger getting stronger, the hurt and fear of loosing her friends fuelling it//
//The look of surprise and shock on Jesse’s face as he falls to his knees, the end of the pool cue stick through his chest//
//The blood staining her hands as she drops to her knees beside him screaming and crying for ‘Xander’ and ‘help’ as the music stops and the bronze goes quiet and her once-best friends chest stops rising and falling.//

Willow was shaking, the pictures flicking fast through her mind, she was unaware she was even crying. “No, I wouldn’t do that, it’s not me.”

The Doctor sighed, seeming a little more relaxed now progress was being made. “You didn’t mean to kill Jesse, that I’m sure of. You were furious, you snapped and stabbed him out of anger not a need to kill him. Your parents told me you almost went catatonic after that night, until you overheard how badly Alexander was suffering, losing his boyfriend. You rewrote it in your head, made Jesse evil and soulless and tried to convince yourself it was for the best. You even convinced your parents and the police that someone had pushed you against Jesse, you hadn’t meant to put the cue anywhere near him.”

He sighed rubbing a hand over his face. “It would have saved a lot of grief and trouble if Xander hadn’t believed that.”

Willow stared at him through her tears. “Xander believed me,” she whispered a slight feeling of hope running through her.

The doctor pushed two photographs in front of her. “More is the pity, he relied on you more heavily, needed you more desperately.” He tapped one of the pictures and she looked down, frowning through her tears. The images were slowly receding from her mind.

“Cordelia, and Angel,” she spoke slowly looking at him for conformation, at his nod she continued “They live in LA, Cordy works for Angel, He’s a private Investigator and a vampire; with a soul, I gave it back to him.” She smiled slightly her heart plummeting as he shook his head slowly. “No vampires,” she murmured remembering his words.

“No Vampires,” he echoed. He tapped Cordelia’s picture. “Chase, Cordelia. One of your good friends at High school, not as close to you as Alexander was or Jesse had been but close enough. You tried to set her up with Alexander to prove to yourself that he wasn’t gay, that he hadn’t loved Jesse.” He shook his head. “You were furious when you found out she’d know about them before you, fuming that she hadn’t told you.”

Willow shook her head trying to deny it but the memories came back furiously.

//Xander, depressed and tired looking very uncomfortable as she tried to push him into getting out for a bit//
//the same look on Cordelias face when she tried to blackmail her into getting out with Xander to ‘take his mind off things’//
// the guilty look on Cordelia’s face when she admitted she had known about Jesse and Xander//
//Her own fury as she leapt for Cordelia and had to be held back by Xander.//

Willow swallowed back bile. “That’s not me, I never did that, she was the nasty one Cordelia was.” She tried to defend herself as her courage was slowly stripped from her.

He all but rolled his eyes. “Miss Chase is a very sweet albeit traumatized young woman. You bullied her, upset her and tried to get her away from Alexander. You saw them talking once in the school library when they could actually get 5 minutes along and you hit her over the back of the head with an encyclopaedia! You could have seriously hurt her.” He shook his head. “You threw yourself on Xander to try to pull him away and split them down the middle.You nearly made her hate him for choosing to stick by you despite how you treated her, but she still cared for him so he saw both of you.” Willow bit her lip a horrified expression on her face as she remembered, remembered how she’d hurt Cordelia and labeled her with the Queen ‘C’ image, the high school bitch image that Willow had actually adopted.

Or tried to adopt, she bit her lip her eyes misting over. In truth she’d never changed, always been a ridiculous whiny cry baby the only added thing was how she’d picked on her friends, she could see it now. She’d hurt Jesse and Xander in her rages and traumatized Cordelia. She’d invented Buffy to ease her own guilty feelings and used her two teachers’ personas to act as the worried watcher and gypsy. Her own parents couldn’t stand what she’d become so they’d left her, not merely neglected but chosen to leave not wanting to become infected by her evil.

The tears trailed down her cheeks, she couldn’t even blame the magic-it had never existed. Her memories shouted for her attention and she looked up, taking her fixated gaze off Cordelia’s picture “Angel?” she asked hopelessly.

The Doctor shook his head slightly sadly. “Yes and No. Not a vampire. Not someone you suddenly met either. He was Alexander’s older brother.”

Willows mouth dropped open, she wanted to vehemently deny it, to scream who she knew, what she knew Angel really was. But looking down at the picture she found she couldn’t. Every time her vision cleared slightly as the tear rolled down her cheek, she saw it. The smile in the photographs face *Xander’s smile*, the eyes *Xander’s*, the mouth *Xander’s*.

She clenched her fists tight, her breathing becoming a little raspy as the tears came more readily.

//The pride and happiness on Xander’s face whenever Angel came home//
//The way the two hung out together, talking and bonding//
//the fear and dreadful certainty she saw in Angel eyes as she slammed her car into his unprotected body//

Willow gave a cry shaking her head, trying to ignore the dreadful action replay in her mind.

//Sitting in her car, calmly waiting too see Angel laughing reassuring Cordelia that everything would be okay//
//Touching her face and making her laugh, getting her to be with him like Xander was//
//the hot jealous and anger pulsating through her as she saw the two plotting to take Xander away//
//the crunch he made as he hit her bonnet as she kept driving//

She sobbed harshly wishing she could turn back time, stop denying what was happening and what had happened and changed it. *I’m evil, there’s nothing good inside me, I’m a loser, a pathetic evil loser with no one who cares* she thought the tears sliding faster as the Doctor spoke.

“You became obsessed with him, then jealous when he only wanted to spend time with Alexander, the crunch came when you saw him enjoying time with Cordelia, trying to heal the rift you put between them.” He put the photograph back with a regretful look. “Such a lovely young man, you shattered his spine in several faces and caused irreparable brain damage. He’s still in a coma even now, his parents just can’t bear to turn off the machines.” He put the photos back in the file.

Willow stared at the file for a long time, the memories dancing through her head, taunting her with the truth. She saw beyond it, beyond the lives she’d shattered, beyond the friendships she’d lost. She saw how she’d warped the truth making it into her own reality, creating Buffy, Joyce, Dawn, Spike, Drusilla, Darla, the watchers, the demons, all of them. She closed her eyes.

She created good upon good to battle evil and demon upon demon to explain away the evil. The only evil was herself, the thing that had caused the damage. She didn’t realize her arms were free nor that the Doctor was smirking at her as she raised them, clenching them and causing trickles of blood to appear between her fingers.

All she could see was what she had become, from murdering Jesse to murdering warren and Tara, two of the hospitals residents. In all her fantasies Xander had always been by her side but though she remembered him visiting her, his face was more bitter and depressed and though she saw compassion in his eyes she also saw hate.

She shuddered, feeling a sharp pain in her stomach. She dropped to her knees sobbing and gasping, trying to beat away the images. They kept coming at her, bombarding her with different atrocities but through them all one think linger in the furthest background. A desperate cry, a tug on her soul.

She focused on it, shaking as she tried to claw her way to the sound. Hearing it become louder then a scream she dove towards it, recognizing it familiarity and safety, and sobbing wrapped her arms around it.

*************
The creature screamed as the Witch’s magic pushed passed it latching onto the boys mental cries. The magic from the witch pushed into the boys mind surrounding them and protecting them from its influence. At that moment it wished for a physical presence to lay pain on the witch’s helpless body and it cursed its own stupidity.

The witch and the boy were definitely not the weakest prey.