Choices

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Spike came home, not quite drunk enough and that pissed him off more than he already was. He hadn't done much at the bar except stew. He'd almost gone to see Angel and just tell him the truth. He couldn't bring himself to do it though. He stood outside the gallery and just stared at it. He was frustrated with the fact that he couldn't bring himself to do it, because doing it that way would have just been cruel. Despite their shady past and sometimes shaky relationship, he still had respect for his grandsire. Not to mention the fact that Buffy would have his head on platter.

Spike just wanted to get it over with. The fallout would be much worse if they would just tell him instead of sneaking around. If Angel found out they had been sneaking around, he would be more upset and angry. He'd blame Spike for it, which wasn't the case at all. Well, not totally anyway.

Was it his fault that they both happened to be in love with the same girl?

Oh, Spike knew it was true. Angel was in love with her. Should he feel guilt for stepping up to the plate and declaring it? No, he shouldn't. Angel was always more of a thinker than Spike was. He could ponder things forever, while Spike was more of an action vampire. Was it also his fault that Buffy had reciprocated her feelings--well, for the most part she did. It was the part that she didn't that irked Spike. Actually it was that part of her that scared him.

She was holding back with him. She gave herself in spurts and yet couldn't seem to fully give herself to him. Something kept her from being able to let herself go, and Spike could blame her loss, her fear of abandonment, but what it all came down to was Buffy's fear of losing Angel. Spike could understand if she knew of Angel's feelings and didn't want to hurt him that way. However, Buffy seemed completely clueless to it. Or was she? Was she totally ignorant of Angel's love for her or was she really that sensitive to Angel's fragile feelings? Whenever he alluded to Angel's feelings for her in the past, Buffy had looked at him as if he had three heads, she didn't even acknowledge it. Somewhere deep inside though Spike had his doubts on her obliviousness. He didn't think she was consciously aware of it, but rather something she just knew inside her. Which completely explained why she was so damn hesitant to tell Angel. She had to know the fury that would be released once Angel found out. He would be angry, upset, jealous...it would be as if Angelus was released. Buffy was always the one that rushed to Angel's defense when Spike would give him a hard time. She'd always been receptive to Angel. Spike knew that she had deep respect and caring for Angel, it was Spike's jealousy that played tricks with his mind, made him wonder if there was another layer to her feelings for Angel. He couldn't allow himself to dwell on those thoughts. They were destructive.

It wasn't that Spike wanted to hurt Angel and flaunt their relationship in his face. He just wanted it out in the open. It wasn't fair for any of them to live their lives in limbo like this. If they could just be honest about their feelings, in the long run they'd all be a hell of a lot happier. The short run would be hell, but the short run always was. Spike knew the long run was a lot harder to keep in sight when the short run reared its ugly head. Angel would one day accept them and they could go back to business as usual--with a few perks not previously had. Maybe Buffy could even set Angel up with a friend.

Spike was sometimes stupidly optimistic and idealistic, however.

"Hello?" He called out as he entered the apartment. No answer. Great, was he going to have to go hunt Buffy down now? He strolled down to her room.

"Buffy?" He pushed the door open and found her sleeping on her stomach peacefully. She was in her pj's, sleeping on top of her covers. Spike smiled tenderly at her. She looked so angelic, so innocent. He was almost sorry he'd gotten so mad at her. Almost, but not quite. Before he changed his mind about being upset with her, he closed the door and strolled to his room. He always hated arguing with her. And lately, it was all they seemed to do. Yet another reason to tell Angel. A lot of stress could be alleviated once it was in the open.

Wearily stripping off his shirt, Spike sat down on the bed to take off his boots when something on the bed caught his eye. It was him. Sleeping. His dead heart suddenly felt as if it were swelling inside his chest. She'd drawn him? When? He picked up the note that lay beside it and felt like a poof when his eyes welled up in tears as a smile bloomed across his face. She loved him! She admitted it...she loved him. She was in love with him. Now all he wanted to do was hear it from her lips. His anger dissipated instantly and tearing off his boots, he took the note and the picture of him (God, she was bloody talented!) and safely tucked it inside his dresser drawer before padding down the hall to his angel.

He slipped next to her and ran his fingers through her hair. "Buffy," he whispered to her. He pressed a kiss to her forehead and she started to stir. He smiled as she opened one eye.

"You're home," she said groggily.

"I'm home."

She started to move, but he stilled her. "Don't get up kitten. I know you're tired."

He moved so that he was laying on his stomach and facing her. He continued to stroke her hair and she stared at him.

"Do you forgive me or are you drunk and don't care right now?"

He laughed, "not drunk. I forgive you."

"I'm so sorry, Spike," and she moved so that she was on her knees. He sat up and faced her. "I didn't mean to do it. I promise I won't do it again."

"Sssshhh..." he told her and caressed the side of her face.

"I left something for you in your room." She looked at the bed shyly.

He put his finger under her chin, making her looking at him. "I saw it. Why didn't you show it to me sooner?"

She shrugged, "I don't know...I know I live with you and all, but when I'm at school or work or when I can't be in your arms, I take it out and look at it. Sometimes I miss you just when you're in the next roomes tes that sound silly?"

"That's the best thing I've ever heard," he told her, his voice cracking with emotion. He grabbed her and pulled her to him, cradling her in his lap as he kissed her forehead and tried to get a hold of himself. "It's amazing being loved by you," he whispered.

"Now you know how I feel being loved by you. I meant what I wrote, Spike."

"Say it, Buffy, I need to hear you say it."

She looked up at him, straight in the eye and without wavering said, "I love you William. I love you Spike. I love you, I love you, I love you."

He crushed her against him and hungrily kissed her all over her face all the while murmuring how much he loved her.

She held his face in her hands, stilling him. "I want to tell Angel."

He studied her. She looked determined, resolved.

"When?" He didn't want to ask if she were sure, didn't want to give her any time to rethink her decision. Full steam ahead, that's what they needed to do. That had always been Spike's philosophy.

"After the gallery showing. It's hectic and busy right now and I don't want to put more stress on Angel, or myself, for the showing. Plus, I'm thinking that it's going to be so awesome and he'll be on such a high that he'll be more accepting in that frame of mind."

Spike nodded, "sounds good, luv."

"So, just another week or so. Then I can tell him."

"We, pet, we can tell him. We're a team, remember?"

She bit her lip and nodded.

"Get under the covers. Let's not discuss it any more tonight okay? Let's get some rest."

"Tuck me in?"

"I'll do more than that, luv. I'm staying right here. If you think I'm going back to my room after everything, then you don't know me at all."

She giggled and burrowed under the covers, Spike following. He pulled them up tight, leaned over and shut off her light and took her in his arms. They'd fallen asleep together so many times, Angel wouldn't think anything of it.

She wrapped herself around him, resting her head on his chest and he stroked her back.

"I love you," she told him.

"I love you too kitten. Do anything for you, I would."

She yawned. "I'll hold you to that."

"I'm sure you will."

TBC........