Remember Me

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Joss owns it all damn him!

***

Chapter 16 - To See You Again

Spike had driven to the hospital as fast as humanly possible. In fact
he'd had to force himself to even bother stopping for red lights. The
only thing keeping him from pushing the pedal to the floor was the
fact that he actually wanted to be alive long enough to see Buffy
again.

But by the time he'd gotten to the emergency room he'd found that
Buffy and the girls had already left. He took about two minutes to run
to the restroom to wash all the blood off his hands and splash cool
water on his face before jumping back into his car. He didn't want
Buffy to worry at the sight of blood when they were finally reunited.

Spike burst into the room, his duster flying behind him, practically
screaming Buffy's name. "Buffy!" Before he had a chance to even
call out to her a second time, she was in his arms.

"Oh, God, luv." Spike breathed out the words as he buried his face in
her hair and held her close. "God, you're safe." The words rushed
out tinged with awed disbelief.

Neither of them noticed when the others slipped out of the room,
leaving them blessedly alone.

Buffy was crying. The relief of having escaped hadn't sunk in until the
moment she'd laid eyes on Will again. The sobs came fast and hard,
her breath hitching in her chest. "Will." His name was the only word
she seemed capable of voicing.

"Shhhh, luv. You're safe now. I've got you." Spike held her closer,
hugging her tight. His own chest ached with the relief of having her in
his arms again. After a while her sobs died down, though tears still
leaked from her eyes. Spike tilted her head up and wiped at the
steady stream with his thumbs. "Did he touch you? I mean, did he
hurt you at all, luv?" Spike whispered the question with dread.

She shook her head, still unable to speak. Spike kissed her then,
unable to wait any longer. The feel of her lips against his was
heaven. Having her here, tasting her again, was heaven. Buffy
kissed him back, savoring the feel of him against her. She wanted
the kiss to last forever, but eventually she pulled away so that she
could talk.

"He threatened..." Buffy shook her head. "But he never. He said
when he got back, but then Harmony - " her breath hitched again, and
she fought back renewed sobs.

Spike let the anger wash over him. She was safe. Angel wasn't ever
going to touch her again. His grip on her tightened, but he stopped
himself before causing her any pain. She was safe.

He cooed words of love to her, telling her she was safe, that he would
always keep her safe from now on. She clung to him, begging him
not to let her go, to just hold her. He maneuvered them so that they
were lying on the bed Buffy in his arms, her head resting on his chest.

She was quiet for so long that Spike thought she had finally fallen
asleep, but then her small voice echoed through the room. "He said
he was going to kill me. After...after he got the money...after
he…after he had some *fun*." Buffy shuddered in his arms and he
couldn't help the possessive growl that escaped his throat.

"He's gone, luv. He won't ever touch you again." Spike reassured
her, rubbing his hands up and down her arms to warm her chilled
skin.

"Will, there's something I have to tell you." Buffy lifted herself up so
that she could stare into his eyes. "I love you." She saw his eyes
blink; saw the telltale signs of water building behind those beautiful
lashes. "The whole time I was...there...I could only think of one thing.
Getting back to you. I didn't want to die wit tel telling you. Without
making sure you knew, understood, how much I loved you."

Spike's heart was beating a mile a minute. She was pouring her
heart out to him, or at least what she thought was her heart's desire.
And all he could think about was kissing her, loving her, right here,
right now. He loved her, God damn it! And he'd just spent the worst
forty-eight hours of his life hoping and praying that she was still alive.
And now he had her here, in his arms, professing her love for him.
What was a man supposed to do? He was only a mere mortal. So
he did the only thing he could; he kissed her.

Spike nibbled at her bottom lip, letting his tongue trace its outline
before gently biting down. Buffy groaned and arched into him, her
breasts pressing down against his chest, the taut nipples rubbing
coarsely over the material of his shirt. It was an effort for Spike to
force himself to not flip them over, rip off all her clothes, and thrust
himself hard into her willing body. It felt as if he'd been waiting
forever for this moment. Forever for just the chance to make love to
this woman. *His* woman.

Slowly he let his hands wander her body, gently lifting her clothes off
her, until she was naked and pliant beneath him. Buffy's hands were
busy as well, tickling the fine hairs of his skin as she explored his
body. His shirt had long since come off, and his pants as well. He
was left with nothing but his boxers, a very thin piece of material
separating him from Buffy's own nudity.

"Will, please." Buffy tugged at his shorts, begging with her actions for
more.

"Luv, are you sure?" God, how could he ask her that? How could
she be sure, when she didn't know the true nature of their
relationship? Spike felt like a heel, but he couldn't stop now. Couldn't
keep himself from taking what he'd always wanted. What he
desperately needed.

"Yes." Buffy slid his boxers down, until he was able to kick them off.

The one word answer sent a wave of desire crashing through him.
He reached down with hand, feeling for her, and swore softly when he
encountered wet heat. "Christ, luv."

Buffy spread her legs wider, inviting him to lie in the cradle of her
thighs. She nearly wept when he took his hand away only to replace
it with the tip of his arousal. Her arms wrapped around his shoulders,
pressing him closer.

Spike leaned down to kiss her, entering her in one swift thrust. She
was tight around him, and he moaned almost incoherently. He
waited, wanting to give her time to adjust to the intrusion. Spike could
feel every inch of her against him, encasing him. And he grit his teeth
to keep from losing control. God, he was finally inside her. She was
finally his!

And then it hit him. He could *feel* every inch of her. Spike cried out
when Buffy began to move, to thrust up against him. "Luv, wait.
Stop!" Quickly he pulled out of her, cursing himself every which way
possible. He turned away from her, swinging his legs off the bed and
sitting up.

"What's the matter?" Buffy's voice was trembling, as if she feared she
had done something wrong.

"Sorry, luv." Spike turned back to her, the look on her face nearly
broke him. He leaned forward daring to kiss her again. Mistake. He
was on top of her in a matter of seconds.

"Mmmm, yes, Will." Buffy murmured, reaching down to grasp him
firmly in her hand. "Make love to me."

God, he wanted to. Spike thought he might actually die if he didn't.
But he was already doing enough to guarantee his reservation in Hell;
he wasn't about to add this to the list as well. "Buffy, luv. Fuck!" He
jumped in her hand, thrusting involuntarily. "I want to, God, I want to."
He murmured kissing her again. "But no condom. It might already be
too late." He wanted to kick himself for not thinking, for entering her
withprotprotection. The look he gave her was so contrite she tried to
stop the bubble of laughter from escaping, but couldn't. "If you think
my dying of blue balls is funny, then have at it, luv." Spike grumbled,
his arousal still painfully throbbing a reminder at him of his own
stupidity.

Buffy kissed him, still laughing lightly. "It's not that, Will. I'm just
happy. I thought...I thought you didn't want me." She answered
shyly. "When you td awd away, I thought..." the words trailed off but
she continued to gaze at him, her big doe eyes large in her face.

"No, Buffy." He kissed her again, torturing himself. "God, I can't
*stop* wanting you." But he pulled away, running his hand through
his hair roughly. Barely suppressing the need to pull it out by the
roots instead.

"Then there's no problem." Buffy whispered, her hand stealing out to
open the drawer in the small bedside table. "Cordy." She answered
his unspoken question as she pulled out a pack of condoms. "She
thought we might need them tonight." Spike was going to kiss Cordy
the very next time he saw her.

But then he was kissing Buffy again, and all thoughts of Cordy, of the
rest of the world, flew out of his head. He ripped open one of the foil
packets she handed him, and quickly covered himself. This time he
entered her slowly, dragging out the incredible feeling of her heat
engulfing him. Bending forward he tooe pee peak of her breast into
his mouth, suckling gently. One hand shot out to cover the other
breast, kneading it slowly before reaching toward the tip to pinch and
roll her nipple.

She groaned and breathed out a small sexy "oh" that made Spike's
insides catch on fire. Every sound she made, every wriggle of her
body beneath him had him responding in ways he'd never imagined.
He'd made love with other women, and some had been extremely
creative. But loving Buffy...being with Buffy was something that
couldn't compare to any experience he'd ever had before.

Spike couldn't keep himself from quickening his rhythm. His thrusts
came faster and harder, making Buffy cry out. She clung to him,
meeting every thrust with as much force as possible. Their hips
crashed together, over and over, until the sensations swamped over
her.

Spike felt his whole body tightening; felt the onrush of his orgasm
shooting through him. Reaching down he pressed his fingers to her,
rubbing softly. "Buffy," he groaned out her name. "So close, luv,
please." He begged her with his eyes to find her release, and just like
that she exploded. She fluttered around him, and Spike couldn't do
anything bute the the hot wave of his own desire to its crest.

Feeling completely boneless, Spike rolled off her not wanting to crush
her with his weight. Buffy moaned in complaint, reaching for him
again. He turned them until he was spooning her, his front to her
back. Then he kissed the nape of her neck, letting his lips linger.
"That was incredible, luv." His arms went around her waist, his palms
coming to rest on her flat stomach.

"God, Buffy. I'm so sorry. I can't believe I let myself lose control that
way." His arms tightened around her, his hands rubbing gentle
circles over her abdomen. "I might already have gotten you
pregnant." He worried.

Buffy turned in his arms and kissed him softly. She lowered her head
until it was resting on his chest, and let herself enjoy his warm
masculine scent before replying. "I guess that would mean you'd just
have to marry me." She answered playfully.

Spike's gut clenched, God, he was a bastard.

"Buffy?"

"Mmm?" The murmur was muffled by his chest.

"There's something I have to tell you." Spike grimaced at his own
lame attempt to begin this conversation. houlhould have told you
before...Jesus, before we made love, but I couldn't."

He waited a beat before continuing, trying to screw up his courage.
"Buffy, we're not engaged. You don't love me, at least not in that
way. I'm sorry." He whispered, waiting for her response. The silence
stretched until it became unbearable. "Buffy?" Nothing but her
steady breathing. When he finally got the guts to check, he found her
fast asleep.

"Oh, bloody..." Spike couldn't believe his luck. She hadn't heard a
word he said. So, okay, he'd hold her in his arms tonight and
tomorrow he'd finally tell her the truth. Then he'd probably wave
goodbye to her as she walked out of his life. He kissed the crown of
her head, and tightened his hold on her.

Maybe that was for the best? She'd only been his pretend fiance and
look what it had gotten her? Two days of terror and bruises that
hadn't yet faded. He kissed her wrists, brushing his lips against the
rope burns. Could he ask her to become a permanent part of his life,
when he knew how dangerous it could be? He knew that anyone in
his life could be a potential target, but especially his loved ones. With
his mum and da gone, the only other potential targets would be his
wife, he stared down at Buffy, and their children, his hand came up to
unconsciously curl around her stomach.

Good Lord, what if he'd gotten her pregnant tonight? A stab of
longing pierced through him at the thought of Buffy as the mother of
his children. What he wouldn't give for that image to become a
reality? What was he going to do? He wasn't even sure if she would
still want him; love him, after she found out the truth.

Spike drifted off the sleep, still mulling over the potential threats to
Buffy versus their potential happiness together. Could he risk her
safety? Spike thought about the agony he had just lived through, not
knowing where she was or whether she was even still alive. And he
knew the answer to that question.

***

Buffy rolled over and heard the crunch of paper before she opened
her eyes to find the note. She squinted at the white sheet before
rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

~
Dearest Buffy,

There are so many things I should have told you before last night, luv.
You've always told me I had a gift with words, but when it comes to
you I've always been tongue-tied.

First, I want you to know that I love you. After you read the rest of this
note you may not believe that, but it's true. So I hope you keep it in
mind when you find out what I've done.

You should know that we aren't really engaged to be married. You
aren't my fiance; you never were. I'm so sorry, luv, that I lied to you.
It was a ruse, that you agreed to participate in, in order to help me
with the conference. I never thought it would go that far, Buffy, I
swear.

After your accident, the doctor said that you should avoid any
unnecessary stress. And I wasn't sure how you would react to the
news, since you seemed to believe that our engagement was real. I
hated lying to you, luv. But I didn't want to take the chance that it
might affect your health.

I suppose you think I've taken the coward's way out by writing you this
letter rather than speaking to you in person. And maybe you're right.
But I knew that if I hadn't left while you were sleeping I never would
have been able to. As it is it's tearing me in two just thinking about
walking out that door.

I know last night shouldn't have happened. And you're probably
regretting it as you read this...but you may as well know it's the one
thing in my life that I will *never* regret. The one memory I'll always
cherish. The one thing I do regret, though, is your not knowing the
truth be ite it happened. Before we made love. I'm sorry for that,
Buffy, truly.

I love you, baby.

I'm sorry if I hurt you. I ache knowing that, that bastard hurt you
because of me. Which brings me to the hardest part of this letter to
write: the goodbye.

I won't let that happen again. I can't.

Being with me puts you in danger. It always will. I'm sorry, luv, but I
can't stand around knowing that my love puts you in harm's way. A
love I'm not even sure you want any part of anymore. I'm sorry.

Please, luv, stay safe.
William
~

The ink began to blur as the tears fell from Buffy's eyes. Will was
gone?