Cause and Effect

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Chapter Sixteen
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Xander shifted uncomfortably under Angel's incredulous stare, the heavy silence stretching out as the vampire's expression turned sour.

**Okay,** Xander thought, his wariness slowly plummeting into real panic. **It is *so* not of the good when Deadboy looks like he sucked down a whole truck load of lemons.**

"Come on, De-- Angel. Whatever it is, it can't be *that* bad." **Please!** he added silently.

Angel blinked twice not responding. Xander was beginning to wonder if he was going to, when he finally spoke.

"Spike was right."

"Wha?" Xander sputtered. Angel couldn't mean what it sounded like he meant! "Right? About what?" he asked warily, his eyes begging the souled vampire to tell him *anything* but what it had sounded like.

Angel shoved his hands into his pockets and ducked his head.

"It's happened before."

"No," Xander denied, giving a vigorous shake of his head. "No way!" Then he laughed, and for several moments couldn't stop. Tears streaming down his face, Xander bit his lower lip and held his breath. Wiping the tears, he finally quieted, looking over at Angel, who was once again staring at him. "You picked a hell of a moment to get a sense of humor, Deadboy."

"Umm, right. Xander?"

"Yeah?"

"I wasn't kidding."

"Yeah, right!" Xander exclaimed. " 'Cuz humans become sires to 100 plus year old vampire's *all* the time!"

"No, of course not."

"Just once -- before, I mean. Once before."

Xander swallowed convulsively, his eyes widening.

"That I've heard of."

Xander shook his head.

"About a thousand years ago."

"You're serious!" Xander whispered.

Angel nodded. "I don't know why I didn't pick up on it sooner. Well, yeah, I do. I mean, it's not like it happens everyday."

"No, no, no," Xander whispered. "Oh, God!"

"What?"

"Um . . . I think I'm gonna pass out." No sooner were the words out of Xander's mouth, when his knees buckled beneath him, the edges of his sight greying out.

Before he could fall, Angel had a hold of him and was encouraging him to bend over. "That's it, Xander. Keep your head low, take deep, slow breaths."

"This can't be happening, Angel. It can't! Please tell me it isn't." Xander was on verge of crying. He knew it, but didn't want Angel to know it.

Angel remained quiet, simply standing by, supporting him, gently rubbing his back.

"I did this to myself, didn't I? And him. I did it to both of us?" Vision blurry through the moisture building in his eyes, Xander glanced helplessly at Angel.

Angel opened his mouth twice, but no sound came out. It took three times. "Yeah, Xander. I'm sorry, but you did."

"I can't blame Spike for any of it, can I? Not even when he's himself again?"

Angel just shook his head.

"I didn't know."

"I know."

Xander sighed. "You can let go now, Angel. I'd like to stand up."

"You're sure?"

"Yes! I'm sure!"

"Oh, okay." Angel replied stepping back sheepishly. "Sorry."

Xander waved him off. "No worries," he replied, then froze. "No worries. Yeah right! There's nothing but worries."

"I will admit the situation is strange, *very* strange, but it's not the end of the world."

"No, you're right, it isn't. That was last week!"

Angel chuckled. "You always do that."

"Habit," Xander said, ducking his head. Frowning, he continued, his gaze catching Angel's. "How? I mean, I know it obviously has to do with the blood. According to Spike, everything does, but . . . how?"

Angel took a deep breath.

"Wait."

"What?"

"I *really* need a drink. For the first time in my life, I think I just may want to get drunk."

"You actually have something here? I mean, since it seems like you don't drink."

"Yea”. Xander laughed, the sound only one shade shy of hysterical, and when he continued his voice was bitter. "My Dad's idea of a good housewarming gift."

"But you kept it."

Xander nodded. "Easier to keep it, on the off chance he might actually stop by. Didn't want a scene if he found out I threw it out," he said stalking toward the kitchen. Angel slowly followed.

Neither of them spoke while Xander pulled out two glasses and the bottle of JD whiskey his Dad had gifted him with. The silence continued as he fumbled with the plastic seal around the lid, finally resorting to a sharp knife to cut it off.

He ignored Angel's continuing gaze as he poured them both a healthy -- **Or not so healthy,** he thought to himself. -- dose of the alcohol.

Carefully setting down the bottle, Xander picked up the two glasses, handing one to Angel. Raising his own in a mock toast, Xander grinned gamely. "Here's to the Hellmouth's idea of a sick joke," he murmured, jerking the amber filled glass to his mouth and tossing it back.

"You should take it--"

And choked, wheezing as the fire burned down his throat, spreading like an explosion in his gut.

"--easy," Angel finished lamely.

"How do people *drink* this?" Xander hissed hoarsely.

Angel shrugged. "It's an acquired taste."

"I guess!" Xander exclaimed, his eyes suddenly widening as warmth flushed through his body. "Wow!"

Angel smirked. "And *that's* why people 'aquire' the taste," he said knowingly, taking a small sip of his own drink.

Xander eyed the bottle sitting there so temptingly. Grabbing it suddenly, he poured himself more, this time only about half the amount as last time; he was upset, not stupid.

"Maybe you should--"

Xander glared at Angel, and the vampire snapped his mouth shut.

This time prepared for the shocking burn, Xander downed his second drink, slamming the glass down after. Tears sprang to his eyes instantly, but at least he didn't choke this time. "It gets easier."

"Yeah, it does."

"Okay, I'm ready."

Angel frowned in confusion. "Ready for what?"

"The bad news. No, not the bad news," he laughed. "We've already had *that* haven't we? I'm ready for the really bad news."

"Really bad news?"

"Yeah," Xander nodded, suddenly grinning despite the situation, "the really bad news."

"What really bad news?"

Xander straightened to his full height, slamming his hands onto his hips. "I thought *I* was the one drinking."

Angel groaned. "You're not making sense, Xander."

Xander frowned. "Ooh! I didn't think it would affect me that quickly," he said softly, swaying slightly.

Angel's expression mirrored Xander's as he stepped forward. "Xander, have you eaten anything tonight?"

"Um, that would be no. I've been too busy taking care of Spike, I mean William, I mean-- Oh I don't know *what* I mean!" Xander sank down to the floor, suddenly too tired to cope with *anything* more.

"And you've let Spike feed from you *how* many times?"

"Um, three times, no, four."

"Damn it, Xander!"

"It won't kill me. Well, not permanently anyway."

"Yeah, well, maybe not, but drinking afterward is *not* a good idea."

"Oh! I, ummm didn't think of that."

Angel sighed. "Of course not."

"Guess I've had enough then, huh?"

Laughing, Angel sat down next to him. "Yeah, I guess so."

"Angel?"

"Yeah?"

"How?"

Angel hesitated, shifting to make himself comfortable before beginning. "You *do* know how someone's turned, right?"

Xander laughed, but it was a hollow sound. "That would be a big yes."

"Well, then, that's basically what happened between Spike and you."

"Oh, come on! He was already a vampire. I didn't make him one."

Angel sighed. "Any time a vampire takes blood from someone, assuming the person lives, there's a bond -- of sorts -- that's formed."

Xander's eyes widened. *That* was new.

"It's temporary, more of an . . . emotional connection than anything else. I mean it's not like you can read thoughts or anything like that."

"Go on."

Blowing out a frustrated breath, Angel jumped to his feet.

Xander started at the vampire's unexpected movement.

"Okay, let's try this from a different angle. You said that when you described Spike's condition on the phone it was what he was like after a couple of feedings, right?"

Xander nodded.

"Tell me what he was like when you found him."

Xander shuddered, closing his eyes against the images that assailed him, but slowly, his voice shaky, he did as Angel asked, not sparing the vampire *any* of the gory details. He kept his eyes closed the entire time. He *so* did not want to see Angel's expression. He was certain he wouldn't be able to continue telling the story if he had to look the guy in the face while doing it.

His words trailing off as he finished, a low growl snapped his eyes open, and Xander found himself staring at an angry Angel in full vampire mode. He gulped, suddenly very glad it wasn't *him* Angel was pissed at. He gasped.

Angel spun away, showing his back to Xander.

Xander didn't move; he barely breathed as he watched Angel try to control his rage. And rage it was. Xander had seen that out of control emotion often enough to recognize it. He knew, too, how to survive it. Silence was the key. Don't draw attention. So, he waited, and held his breath. He just wished he could silence the racing of his heart. Right now it sounded like thunder.

Slowly, a seeming eternity later, Angel turned back, his face back in human guise. "So, you'd agree he was pretty much drained."

Xander only nodded, then, realizing that more needed a deep breath. "He wasn't bleeding at all, not until after he fed that first time, and then it was only a little."

"Right. He was drained. You fed him, fully. Maybe not that first time, but today."

"So? He was still *already* a vampire."

"Quit being purposely stupid, Xander!" Angel snapped. "You know damn well what I'm saying."

"I'm not!" Xander snapped back. "I'm trying to understand. So he was drained. So, I let him take my blood. So, what! He was already a damned vampire!"

Angel rolled his eyes. "Just accept it, Xander. It happened. It *is*." Suddenly his eyes widened. "You're right. You didn't *make* him. We both know this. What you *did* was *re*make him."

Xander blinked.

"A drained vampire is just as dead as a drained human, they just aren't destroyed."

"God!" Xander breathed.

Angel nodded. "You see now?"

"No."

A low sound came from Angel and Xander frowned. "You growled at me!"

"I did not!"

"Yes, you did!"

"No, I-- Alright, I'm sorry." Sighing, Angel shook his head and tried again. "When they drained him, and with what they put him through, resulting in Spike losing his memories, they basically. . . ." Angel floundered, not sure how to explain it. "took *me* out of him. Then you, with your timely rescue, basically replaced what was missing -- with yourself."

"Okay," Xander said slowly. "I can see that. I can see why *William* would see me as his -- oh, God! -- his Sire. What I don't see is why you say I really *am*."

"Does it really matter why?"

"Yes, damn it! It does matter. I need to know how, why!"

"Let me ask you something. Do you care about Spike before all this?"

"Yes," Xander answered immediately. He'd already worked that part out, and right now, he was glad he had. The priceless look on Angel's face right now was great!

"Okay, I admit I didn't expect that."

" *You* didn't?!" Xander laughed again, this time with real humor. "You should have seen me the day I figured it out."

"Okay, again with the 'different' angle. Has anything changed about how you feel?"

**And how!** Xander thought. "Um," he replied hesitantly, continuing in a near whisper, "yeah."

"Okay, let me see if I can *guess* what's changed."

Xander nodded.

"You have a . . . *need* to help him."

Another nod.

"If he's upset because of something someone else did, or does, you get angry."

He nodded again, his eyes slowly widening even more -- at least they felt that way. At this rate, he should just sign up for the hoot owl club.

"I've got an idea!"

"Good! I'm glad someone does."

"I'll take Spike with me to LA. Maybe--"

"No!" Xander shouted, wanting nothing more than to throw the vampire out of his home.

"Why not?"

Xander opened his mouth, then snapped it shut again, his sudden anger draining away. He didn't have a good reason. Angel was right. Angel was far more equipped to help Spike than he was.

"You want to be the one to teach him, to help him remember."

A blink, Xander refused to nod again.

"That's *almost* more important than him remembering."

"That's not--" He closed his eyes. It wasn't right. That *shouldn't* be important. Spike's recovery, no matter where it came from, *should* be the most important thing -- shouldn't it?

"I'm right, aren't I?"

"God help me, you are."

"There's more, isn't there, Xander."

It was a question, but Angel hadn't made it sound like one. Angel *knew* there was more. Xander blanched. Surely he didn't know . . . *that*!

Angel's voice lowered. "You're attracted to him."

Xander gulped, and buried his face in his hands, mumbling.

"What?"

Xander snapped his head up, face red. "I *said* yes, damn it!"

Angel's gaze softened. "Were you before?"

"I," Xander faltered, "yeah, a little, maybe. Aw, hell! I don't know."

"You know, Xander."

"I'm not gay!"

"I never said you were, Xander," Angel replied quietly.

"You implied it!"

"No, Xander, I 't.'t. You can be attracted to a guy, and not be 'gay'."

"You can?" Xander replied, disbelieving.

"Of course you can."

Xander's eyes narrowed. "You're shitting me, aren't you? Trying to con me into feeling better," he accused.

"Well, yeah," Angel replied sheepishly, then brightened. "Is it working?"

"No." He sighed then. "Yeah, I guess so. It made me think, anyway. I mean, he's the only one."

Angel smirked. "You've tested that, have you?"

"Hell yeah! I was scared shitless when I realized I thought he was cute."

Angel snickered. "You think he's cute?"

"Oh, and I suppose you *don't*!"

"I didn't say that," Angel admitted. "Why do you think I chose him? It certainly wasn't for his viciousness."

"No?" Xander snerked. "Are you trying to tell me you made Spike a vampire 'cuz you thought he was *cute*?" he asked incredulously.

"Pretty much."

Xander's world-view flipped. "Wait a minute! That means that--"

Angel smirked.

"Oh god! That is a mental image I *so* did not need."

Angel laughed, fully, shaking his head.

The mood didn't last, however.

"Xander, Spike says he doesn't remember anything. Do you have any ideas about who did this? Has he given you any clues?"

Not surprised by the sudden change in topic, Xander sighed. "Not really, Angel. What little he's said only tells me that these people are sick!" he replied. "Oh! Wait a minute! The rock note!"

"What? What 'rock note'?"

"The one that was thrown through my window earlier," Xander replied, scrambling to his feet. He gasped, swaying slightly as he did so. "Whoa! That stuff sneaks up on you."

"The note, Xander."

"I'm going! Sheesh!"

Angel followed him the short distance back into the living room, but as Xander was about to get the note, the phone rang, startling both of them.

Xander did an about face, immediately heading toward the phone. "You get the note. I'll get the phone," he muttered.

**Note to self,** Xander thought as he lost his balance, feeling as though he had two left feet, **alcohol is of the bad!**

"Xander's house of pleasure," he quipped as soon as the receiver was pressed to his ear.

"Xander! I'm glad your home."

"Willow!"


TBC
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