Truth Denied

Title: Truth Denied 16/?
Pairings: Spander (eventually)
Appropriate Ratings: NC17 overall but this chapter... PG13
Warnings: Nothing for this chappie
Disclaimers: Not my characters. I make no money off this, I'm just playing. I promise to give them a bath and thorough cleaning when I’m done! Joss Whedon is my lord and Master. All hail Joss Whedon.
Beta: LJ user Tamakin


Comments keep my muse well fed.

Find a topless, low pant riding Spike banner beneath the cut!

Dinner, of course, went horridly.

Xander spent the time brooding about how he’d fucked up while still trying to figure out what he’d actually done and how he’d actually fucked up. It was hard work because he couldn’t see what he’d done wrong. Obviously he had though, or Spike wouldn’t be shooting him those weird looks… when he could bring himself to look up, that was. He could barely bring himself to eat anything, everything tasted like ash and wood chips and to top it all off, it was some kind of sports night at the club and the place was so over crowded they got very slow service.

Which meant they spent a great deal of time simply staring at the wood table top, fingers fiddling, the TV showing people running around and chasing a ball that neither of them could concentrate on, or they’d give fleeting glances from lowered lashes at each other. All in all, a crappy night!

Add to that a slouched and brooding Spike who played with his food rather than eating it with his usual gusto; though not in the way that he used to play with his food which typically included screaming, running and a lengthy chase followed by a long and painful death. This was the other kind, with the fork and the knife and moving things around his plate so it looked like he was eating when really he wasn’t. Anyway, it really added to the whole “Wow this sucks!” part of the evening. Because it did. Really really badly.

Their waitress came back and asked them if the food was alright, shooting worried
glances at their full plates. Spike shook himself and smiled charmingly, asking her to just wrap things up since they didn’t seem as hungry as they had thought. After paying the bill and leaving a comfortable tip they headed back to Spike’s apartment, a grunt of “Time to practise whelp” thrown Xander’s way to get them moving.

He really wished he understood what had happened, why he felt so guilty and how he could make things better between them. Because this silence thing? It wasn’t as much fun as he’d thought it would be when Spike’d been tied to that horrid orange chair.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

He landed with a grunt, wincing at the impact. I really hope that doesn’t bruise, he thought to himself, before heaving his weight to his feet again. “You know, we don’t really have to do a throw. Honest,” he panted while moving towards the fridge for a bottle of water.

“You’re right, we don’t. But I’ve always wanted t’ try one on stage,” Spike mused in reply. “Grab me one too, eh?”

Xander threw one at him in response before throwing himself into a dining chair. “You know, it’s awful handy to have enough room in your apartment for a mock up stage.”

“Yeah, was one of the perks for the place. Entire bloody thing is modular, can move all the walls n’ change the shape if I want. Steve used t’ let dancers rent sections out so they could have private parties but some blokes got a bit rowdy so they stopped it. Dancer safety before company profit,” Spike nodded and tilted his bottle in salute to the motto before taking a swig.

“Good to know,” Xander nodded in return. Stilted silence formed once again between them, the empty weight hanging in the air, stifling and heavy. I didn’t do anything wrong dammit!.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Spike leant back on the mat, and watched the brunet brood. He wished again that he’d kept some of the vampire powers and talents when he’d been given this gods blessed gift of humanity. He knew the boy was hiding emotions behind that stony mask, but he couldn’t exactly help unless he knew what they were now could he? I’m such a bloody useless tosser.

“Something botherin’ you pet?” He finally managed to ask in a fairly convincing nonchalant concern.

“No! Of course not! Why would there be?” He sputtered out almost defensively, sitting up straighter in his chair.

“Dunno, just thought you might be a little wound up, thinkin’ I’m mad at you for what you did.”

Xander watched Spike swallow a few mouthfuls of water and tried to remember to breathe, I DID do something wrong! I knew it! And now he’s gonna get all pissed off, and I’m gonna get kicked out, and I’m gonna loose my job and goddammit I finally started to feel secure and now look at me! Of course nothing good was gonna come of this, of course not! Nothing good ever comes of anything I ever do. Dammit… just… dammit.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Spike read it all easily, scent or no scent, only a deaf and blind man could have missed all the signals. The boy was devastated, almost tearing himself up inside. “I’m not you know,” he blurted out. See? Still a bloody tosser.

“You’re not?” Xander’s voice was subdued, almost empty of emotion.

“No, course not. He threw the first punch, you just diffused the situation. Smooth moves from what Chad told me.”

“What?”

“You were defendin’ yourself, not gonna reprimand you for that. Was gonna talk to you an’ ask if you wanted me to reprimand him, or if you thought he’d settle down, just didn’t want to do it in front of everyone else,” he finished softly.

“Oh, yeah, no. I mean, yeah, thanks for clearing that up. And I think he’ll be okay, he just needed to know I wouldn’t put up with his shit.” Spike saw his jaw lock grimly before taking a hasty sip from his bottle.

“It comes up again, you let me know, yeah?. I won’t have that kinda crap on the premises and if Daijon pushes it again, I’ll fire ‘im. Remember, dancer’s safety comes first. If he’s the type of bloke to get a bee up his arse an’ lash out with fists, I don’t want him here. You got me Xan?” He tilted his head so he could look Xander in the eye, slouching slightly in his chair.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Startled, he suddenly realized Spike was looking him right in the eye, and obviously expected an honest answer. He chewed the inside of his lower lip and decided if Spike thought nothing else worth noting had happened he sure as hell wasn’t about to pretend it had. Besides, only other thing was the date with Chad and it’s not like I’m not allowed to make a date. I’m single, and very much available! Not my fault Chad doesn’t know we could never… do entertaining naked adult things together. That had to be it, right? The only thing that was bothering me? He chewed his inner lip again and decided to just let whatever it was… go.

He looked up at Spike with a relaxed smile, nodding. “Yeah Spike, it ever happens again, I promise to let you know. I really think he was just testing my limits, ya know? I’m sure he’ll cool off on his own, no problem. And if he doesn’t I’ll let you know. Scouts honour.”

Spike looked at him with a confused look, “You were a scout?”

“Well… actually yeah,” he said sheepishly. “Uncle Rory signed me up for every summer I spent over at his place. I know it was so he didn’t actually have to do anything with me, but it was the only time I was… normal in my home life. So, yeah, scouts honour, I’ll tell you! Promise.”

“Good to know.” Spike snorted. “If I ever need any knots tied or a fire started, I’ll know who to come to pet,” he wiggled his tongue between his teeth lewdly.

Is he flirting with me? He can’t be flirting with me! Damned tease. All teasing and mean and dammit! Don’t lead me on Spike. Please don’t. You have no idea… He started to feel rather uncomfortable, held and scrutinized under Spike’s gaze. He shook himself and smirked slightly, “When’d you stop calling me Harris or… whelp?” See? You’re not the only one that can change subjects!

Spike smiled slowly, “Probably around the time I realized you weren’t about to barge in and muck things up for me here.”

“Wait, you thought I was gonna get some kind of revenge?” Xander was stunned. Fangless was afraid of me? Really? He frowned to himself, and thought it over. Of course he was. He’s human now… he needs this job, he needs these friends, he worked hard to build this life. I could have come in and… I could have totally fucked things up for him. I could have made him pay for everything, and what do I do? Not only do I not do anything against him, I actually ask him for help and then ended up teamed up as a dancing duo.

He thought back, and nodded to himself, remembering when that subtle shift of presence occurred. Right around the time Xander let Spike know how desperate he was Spike’s whole presence shifted. Suddenly the ex-vampire was caring, almost solicitous, getting him a job, a safe place to live until he found his own. He was being cared for, taken and pampered and fed.

“Why are you doing this Spike?” he asked softly.

“Doing what?”

“Taking care of me like… like we never hated each other? Like we never tried to kill each other? Why are you being so nice to me? I treated you like shit, called you names, threatened you, abused you.” He swallowed thickly at the last word, realizing for the first time just how horridly he’d treated him when he was still a vampire, when he was just… trying to help them survive. Oh gods, no wonder he didn’t trust me and thought I was here just to fuck up his life.

He looked away, as if shamed by the memories, “I thought you were less than human, ya know?” His voice was soft, but the apartment was almost silent so Spike heard every word. “Even after everything you did to help us, I thought you were scum. I mean, looking back, I know you did a lot of it just to get in Buffy’s pants but that summer she was… she was gone…” Xander swallowed, and looked up to see Spike with his elbows on his knees, head hanging loosely from his shoulders so all Xander saw was the top of his blond head and the sweeping curve of his bare upper back. Look at me dammit! I want to know you’re hearing this!

Xander cleared his throat and looked away, “Look, I just… We never thanked you, any of us, other than Buffy at the end… and Dawn. Dawn saw who you were before any of us. Even Willow got it, I think. I know Tara did, before she…” he swallowed again and looked back at Spike. Spike was trembling slightly, almost shivering before he reined it in under his iron control once more, fighting to look like he was calm cool and collected. Xander saw it all, but didn’t comment.

He looked up through his bangs and tried to smile, “I know we didn’t deserve it, most of the time, but thanks for everything you did for us. We weren’t grateful, not then, but I know we were after.” He saw Spike stiffen and lift his head slightly, not enough to lock gazes but enough so Xander was sure he was actually listening.

“When we… when we all thought you’d died Buffy kinda freaked out. Well, not kinda, but totally 100% freaked out. Willow didn’t come out of her room for over a week and Andrew… wow. I never knew how much he admired you until then. And me? I pasted a smile on and went on with my work… because by then I was so shut down inside. Did you know that? That’s how I kept fighting and kept working and kept up the damned farce of human’s fighting demons. I shut myself down… I didn’t even let myself cry for you,” he whispered.

“But I did grieve, we all did. We… we had a ceremony, ya know? We realized your worth, then. We weren’t always ignorant Spike, we did care, we did notice… we were just too closed minded to realize what it was we were seeing.” He cleared his throat and finished his water, briskly changing his tone to a lighter one.

“Just wanted you to know you were valued, and we did care. And I’m sorry I treated you so shittily back then, I really am. You were worth more than we realized.” He glanced down then up again, “I just… I just wanted to thank you. So… thanks Spike… for before, for now, for everything. You… you’ve saved my life all over again.” He smiled softly as Spike slowly lifted his head to look Xander in the eye.

He was shocked to see the tears filling those pure blue eyes, glittering and shimmering wetly, but stubbornly held in check, “Thanks pet. Look, I know we had plans to work on our dance, but I gotta call things a little early.” Spike smiled charmingly up at him. “I’m… thank you. Really. And I’m sorry I have to run right now, but I totally forgot this thing I promised I’d be at. We’ll… we’ll talk more when I get back, yeah?”

Xander’s face twisted in confusion, this wasn’t what he’d expected. Not that he’d actually expected anything, but if he’d been expecting something this definitely wasn’t it. “I… yeah, sure. I’ll… I’ll flip through your CD’s while you’re out. Maybe find a new song for us, ok?”

“Yeah Xan, you do that… see you tomorrow, alright? Again, really sorry.” He was up and gone before Xander could say another word.

Was it something I said?