Irony

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Okay, the invasion scene is always supposed to be the big exciting part of the movie with bad guys leaping out from behind closed doors and gun fights and huge battles. So, the question of the day, or night rather, was why was I bored stupid? Ironically enough, it was turning out to be the most boring night in a long time. Well, since before the whole Initiative thing started, and truthfully it felt like *years* since all this crap had started.

Follow Angel, bump hips with Spike who kept walking entirely too close, follow Angel, open a sealed security glass wall for a demon Angel calls safe, follow Angel, briefly run a finger down the soft skin inside of Spike's arm making him shiver, follow Angel, ignore the cool hand sliding across my back up under my shirt, follow Angel. Seeing a pattern?

Okay, it wasn't entirely boring, but still. Soldiers gone, emergency lights only dimly illuminating the passages, various demon cries echoing off the concrete. I mean, please. Anyone who watches alien invasion movies knows that something bad has to happen in a setting like this, and yet nothing… nothing… and yes, more nothing. Well, unless you count Spike leaning back against the white concrete wall and slipping a hand down the front of his black jeans with a lascivious grin and yellowed eyes.

"William," Angel hissed as he passed a row of glass-fronted cages containing some pretty big and nasty-looking things. Black skinned snaky things with heads that look like emaciated babies, and just ew. Yeah, not opening those cages.

"Wot?" Spike demanded in his 'righteously indignant' voice. Angel just sighed deeply rather than point out the behavior that was annoying him. Okay, maybe “annoy” was the wrong word since Angel was throwing off nearly as many pheromones as Spike, and Spike was smelling lusty enough that the scent of horny Spike actually overpowered the Gin'tauk demon stench from one unit over.

I walked by him and casually brushed my hip against his groin which stuck out conveniently as he leaned his shoulders against the wall. I shot him a dark look, and he just ran that tongue along the inside of his lower lip creating a ripple effect. And that smell would be my pheromones.

"I told you two to settle this before we came here," Angel said between clenched teeth, sounding just like my father complaining because I hadn't used the bathroom before we got in the car for the annual visit to the in-laws and my stupid, stinky cousin Rigby-Pigby. The idea of Angel making parental noises because I hadn't actually gotten around to the sex what with all the stealing of explosives and planning the destruction of a military base? Oh, that was funny. So funny I started giggling, or chortling rather because as a man I do not giggle.

"Boy's barking mad," Spike complained as he pushed off from the wall and started down the hallway after Angel, but that sexy leer out the side of his eye suggested that he wasn't minding at all.

"Oh come on, he's getting after us for not having sex, tell me that isn't funny," I protested, and Angel seemed to be walking even faster.

"In my day, he used ta get on me for all sorts of things: leaving bodies laying around the house, forgettin' to unchain Dru, letting blood dry on the whips. Can't remember he ever complained about me not gettin' off, though." And now Angel was definitely walking faster, not sparing more than a glance for the demons in each sealed cell we passed. Angel unlocked a few of the doors with a small fetish of the goddess Culsu. Willow had spelled it to open doors since Culsu was the goddess of gates or locks or something. I giggled… or manly-chortled rather when I thought that the small statue of the goddess was a fetish.

"Having fun with your fetish up there?" I called cheerfully as I chased after the two vampire members of my pack.

"He always enjoyed a good fetish, he did, but usually it was somethin' with more leather," Spike replied with a grin over his shoulder as I hurried down the dim halls. I had to hurry with Angel moving so fast that he wasn't even taking time to stop and explain to the few demons he released where the exits were. I got hung up with a mother and daughter with big floppy ears who were obviously too scared to figure out they could track our scent backwards to the Tarhul tunnel. Once I explained that, they took off down the hall at top speed.

"You're welcome," I yelled after them before chasing after Spike and Angel. I was about to launch into a snark on the itsy-bitsy size of Angel's current fetish when both vamps froze. I instantly went into a half crouch with one hand on the floor and the other resting on the wall, my vision clicking over into demon-sepia. I couldn't pick up any vibrations, and I couldn't hear anything, and I couldn't really smell anything under the cloud of demon pheromones in the hallway, but Spike and Angel exchanged wary glances that made the hairs stand up on my arms.

Oh yeah, this would be when some brain-sucking demon from outer space jumped out from some dimly lit hallway, and I so should not have let my guard down on the Hellmouth.

"You smell that?" Angel asked warily

"Yeah, mate, I do." I moved forward slowly despite the fact that part of my brain was screaming things like 'run' and 'flee' and 'please don't eat me.'

"I'll take care of this," Angel said with a strain in his voice that revealed his strong emotion despite the calm tone of voice.

"I don't bloody think so, this one's mine." Spike said as he stepped forward. I took the last few steps to close the distance and reach Spike's side, but Angel's hand stopped Spike so I had to awkwardly stop mid step. That left me pressed right up against Spike, and I really needed to keep my mind on killing because Spike's ass was awfully distracting.

"William, you can't kill him," Angel said firmly, and I was now officially confused. And oh god I was not smelling what I thought I smelled because life was just not this cruel, or it was, but I'd earned a break.

"Why the hell didn't the soldiers take him when they retreated?" I demanded.

"Maybe they like the clod as much as we do," Spike answered with a snort.

"No, no, no, no, no. It is not in my contract to save Riley Finn. The plan is very clear: we blow things up, Buffy saves Riley when the soldiers haul his sorry ass up to the exit."

"Obviously the plan has changed."

"Well I'm not responsible for other people changing the plan. We had a plan, it was a good plan, and I say we stick with it, people." Spike looked at me like I had morphed into Drusilla and I’m almost sure that was an amused expression on Angel's face.

"Right, I'll go get soldier boy," Spike said as he snatched the fetish from Angel and started down the hall.

"And I'll just go with to go with," I answered as I suddenly realized that Spike's new setting on the chip would be rather obvious if I didn't keep his fangs out of Riley's neck. I didn't have to go far before we found the cell with Riley leaning against the wall and standing as close to the glass as he could without getting an electrical jolt to the head. I'd had lots of those; they hurt.

"Xander?" Riley asked with his hopeful tone, totally ignoring Spike.

"That would be a yes," I said as Spike ran the fetish over the door lock. Fetish. I clamped down on another urge to laugh.

"There's an emergency, we have to get out of here," Riley said the minute the glass door opened. He took off down the hall in the direction of the emergency stairs that led to the surface and the rest of his military buddies. I was so tempted to just let him go, but then Buffy would get all huffy if I let the idiot get himself killed.

"Riley!" I called out.

"We need to evacuate, now." Riley must have seen either the look on my face, or Spike’s 'I know something you don't know' smirk because he stopped in the middle of the corridor just as Angel came up behind us. "What's going on?"

"Um, this would be your rescue?"

"Oi, not down here to bloody rescue him; I'm here to blow things up." And right on schedule there was the Angel sigh as a large hand reached between Spike and me to take the little magical statue.

"Blow things…" Riley's voice just trailed off into shocked silence. He took a deep breath. "This is government property. This project is vital to ensuring— " Riley probably would have continued only Angel interrupted as he continued his way down the corridor checking various cages.

"The only thing this project ensures is that you condemn this entire world," he said in that deep implacable, borderline pissed-off voice of his.

"How would you— "

"And your use of an interdimensional portal to raid other worlds and retrieve demons is outrageous," Angel continued. Riley shot me an angry and shocked look, and I just gazed back blankly.

"Don't look at me, I have no idea what he's talking about, but I have to say that I'm siding with Angel, and don't ever ask me to repeat that out loud because I won't do it." Spike gave a short bark of laughter.

"We bloody had this discussion back in L.A. Pep'tuil demons won't go through a portal on their own. Soldier boys are havin' numbered missions. Any of this ringing any bells?" Spike looked at me with his head cocked to the side.

"Um, no?"

"You were too bloody busy feelin' yourself up to pay attention I suppose," Spike accused me with an eyeroll.

"Hey!" I complained, but Riley had started in again, following Angel as the vampire stoically continued his inspection of the cells although he wasn't finding anything he wanted to let go in this part of the Initiative.

"You have no right to interfere with a government operation. We are on a fact-finding mission that may one day save this world."

"You're weakening the interdimensional membrane by opening a portal in the same spot over and over, and I do not even want to know who taught you how to do that because my patience with human stupidity has limits." Angel stopped to stare Riley down, and I could feel the alpha male vibes reverberating off the walls.

"Weakening as in they'll never be able to open another portal?" I said hopefully because that sounded bad even to me. Spike gave a good loud snort this time.

"Bloody hell, at Caritas we talked about the fact that the soddin' idiots were going to tear open a permanent portal and then anything could come waltzin' in here without any trouble at all. Soldier boys are about to succeed in creating an open Hellmouth where even the Master failed."

"Where was I during this discussion?" I asked, totally confused now. I mean, yeah, we were coming in to blow the portal up, and woo hoo for explosions because I really kinda liked blowing things up, but I had somehow missed the whole world in danger discussion, and that wasn't normal, even for me.

"Spike was right; you were busy feeling your own ass," Angel offered in a very un-Angel-like comment.

"And again, I say 'hey!' I was injured and trying to figure out the extent of the damage," I protested when I realized that I *had* sort of tuned them out there for a while when Angel had first come to the club. "Besides, you had the whole vampire-a-vampire thing going on as opposed to the mano-a-mano thing and since I'm not a vampire, I just sort of tuned you out."

"Vampire?" Riley asked, and to his credit, he did drop back into a defensive stance.

"Yeah, that'll help," I said sarcastically as I walked between Riley and Angel on my way to inspect the rest of the cages. "Angel, Riley. Riley, Angel," I called over my shoulder as my way of introducing them. Okay, furry looking thing with big teeth. I'm guessing that's a no. Blue shimmery wispy critter. Oh, who was I kidding, I had no idea whether that was dangerous or not. Luckily Spike was right behind me while Angel and Riley just stood glaring at each other.

"Knowin' those two, they may be a while," Spike said as he opened his hand to show me the statue.

"Nice fetish," I said as I stepped sideways into Spike, pushing my shoulder against his in a deliberate body bump.

"Pet, you have no idea." Spike smiled lazily, and caught his lower lip between his teeth, and oh god, I think I broke my cock. Spike's smile widened, and I suspected that he had smelled my burst of pheromones because I sure could. He leaned in a little closer. "I am going to lay you stomach first over a tombstone and drive into you until you offer me your neck," Spike whispered hoarsely. His blue eyes glittered wickedly.

"I don't even think so," I whispered back. "I think I'm going to chase you down and sink my teeth into your shoulder until you beg me to fuck you." And where the hell did that come from, with the husky voice and everything? If my time with Anya had taught me nothing else, it had taught me that I could not talk dirty even with her coaching me. Between the blushing and the giggling I’d been sort of hopeless at it. But judging by the way Spike moaned just a little and bit that lip again, it seemed I’d found my dirty-talkin’ groove after all.

"We'll see, pet," Spike said with an even wider smile and he reached up to stroke my cheek. I caught his hand and brought it up to my mouth and then ran my tongue from his wrist to the end of his thumb, nipping at the end, my eyes never leaving his. Spike's lust became so thick that I could almost see as well as smell it as his eyes flashed yellow. I just gave him my best teasing grin and then swaggered down the hallway.

"Just check the cells," Angel yelled in an aggravated tone, and I smiled as I walked away, certain that Spike was in even more pain than I was. We either needed to settle this or we both needed to buy bigger jeans. I could hear Spike unlock a cell behind me, and I dutifully continued to the end of the hall and then leaned against the wall. I watched Spike stalked toward me with every muscle yelling predator in the oh so sexy way he has of moving like flowing water. His eyes darted to each cell, but between each sweeping glance, he would lock that intense gaze on me and I just smiled. Behind him, Angel and Riley had retreated to opposite sides of the corridor where they still glared at each other.

"Do you ever wonder about Buffy's taste in men?" I asked when Spike reached me at the end. He turned around and looked.

"Oi, she can have 'em both. I have what I want." Spike reached out and ran a finger down my zipper, and I had to admit that Angel was right that we really should have taken care of this earlier. Stupid vampire. I hated it when he was right.

"Right. Let's finish this so we can move on to part two of tonight's performance," I suggested with a small growl in my voice.

"Bloody hell, yes." Spike said fervently. He turned away and quickly walked back toward the others. For a second I just had to admire the view, but yeah, we had to get finished. Get innocent demons out, blow up portal room, cast counter spells, fuck Spike. Well actually, the girls would be doing the spells, but the fucking Spike part was going to be all me, and that was motivation enough to get me moving.

"So, first thing's first. Where's my duster?" Spike demanded as he walked right up to Riley and planted himself in front of the soldier. I could see the difference already. When the chip had been at full charge, Spike had been tentative, careful not to get too pushy but instead sort of snipe at the edges. Now he was back, demanding his due, and even if he would get a headache, I had no doubt he could kill. Hopefully the headache would convince him to just not do it too much.

"Spike, we do not have time for this." And there was Angel with his world-famous sighing again.

"If it was your bloody hair gel missin' we'd make time, and I want that coat back," Spike snarked. He had a point: the duster was damn sexy. I had a sudden mental image of him wearing that coat and nothing under it- nope, not going there. Not now, anyway. My jeans were definitely too tight.

"William." And that sounded like Angel's cranky voice.

"Uh, maybe Riley and I could go get the coat since I kinda don't trust you three together in a room," I suggested, and Angel gave me a hurt look.

"It's not a vampire thing; it's an ex-boyfriend thing," I pointed out before he could go all broody about being untrustworthy. Wait… maybe I should have kept that little bit to myself.

"Wait, Angel as in Buffy's ex Angel? He's a vampire?" Riley demanded angrily, and yep, there was Angel's flinch right on time. I shot Spike a look of “help me out here” desperation, and Spike started pushing his sire away and back toward the portal room.

"Right, we'll just be blowin' things up like manly men, and you lot trot off and fetch my coat." Spike actually made a little shooing gesture with his hands, but fortunately it went unnoticed with the two alpha-male-Buffy-boyfriends upping the glareage-level at each other.

"Spike." For a change it was me using his name as a warning. He gave me a wicked smile before the two of them turned away and walked toward the control room.

"Xander, what the hell is going on?"

"Oh, wow, there's a lot to cover. Buffy dated a vampire, I'm currently dating a vampire, and a coven of witches made the water rise, but now they pushed it back down so we can evacuate the non-hostile hostiles." I tried for a cheerful grin.

"But… Xander, you’re in way over your head."

"Probably, but we need to go get the coat. Spike gets a little weird about the duster. So, where would it be?"

"Spike is manipulating you," he argued without moving. I allowed my demon's eyes to shine in the darkness, and dropped the grin.

"He isn't manipulating anyone, Riely. I am what I am and while I'll have this argument with Buffy and Giles and Willow seeing as how they've known me long enough to give me crap, I won't have it with you. We need to get the duster and get back out through the tunnels before Angel and Spike blow this place to little itty bitty smithereens." I stepped closer, and Riley held his ground and met my gaze evenly. I'll give him credit for having balls.

"I won't let them blow this place up."

"You don't have a choice. Besides, ironically enough, those two demons are trying to save this dimension, and all your good intentions have done is put everyone on this planet at risk. So suck it up, soldier, realize that you fucked up, and move on."

"Our scientists would have—"

I cut him off angrily. "Known exactly zippidy doodah about magic, so let's just stop arguing. Look, I know you're not going to believe me or those two, but let's just get the damn coat and then go talk to Buffy and Giles. I assume you'll believe them at least?" I saw Riley falter at last, his eyes darting to the hallway where Spike and Angel had disappeared.

"If they were the bad guys, they would have just eaten you," I pointed out.

"Hostile 17 is chipped," Riley dismissed my words with a small shrug.

"Yeah, well, his sire isn't, and there's no rule that says Angel couldn't tear your throat out and let Spike drink the dripping blood. But Angel didn't do that because as much as it hurts me to admit this, he’s one of the good guys.” I let that sink in a minute. “So, coat?"

"Personal artifacts are on level two," Riley said in a distracted tone of voice.

"Goody. Now, where's level two?"