Mangled Spells and Manly Bits

“Don’t give a rat’s arse what happens between you and the Watcher, but if ya send demon hunters in, I’ll consider ‘em on the menu,” Spike said and Xander came out from his vampire to stand at his side with a comforting hand on Spike’s back. “In fact, I’ll consider *you* on the menu.”

“The council does not take orders from vampires,” the older man announced in a tone that made it clear that he considered all of them beneath his shoe. But that condescending tone was somewhat belied by the man’s slow, steady retreat toward the protection of Giles.

“And I don’t take soddin’ attitude from you. So someone better start explaining what has the witch and the wolf so twitchy,” Spike snarled in a voice Xander hadn’t heard since before the spell. He could see Willow and Oz exchange glances as well.

“There’s nothing that can’t be—.”

“Lie and you might not like what I’ll do ta get the truth,” Spike hissed at Giles, and the Watcher snatched his glasses off and opened his mouth to protest.

“Post called him. Made a deal giving the council dirt on us, and in return the council agreed to pay her and help split us up,” Oz said before Giles could even started, and Xander didn’t think he had ever heard so many words come out of Oz at once.

“Ya let her in your little secret club, and she bloody sold you lot out,” Spike smirked.

“Might I point out that her spell was primarily aimed at you, so your smugness is hardly appropriate,” Giles replied as he polished even harder, but the Quentin refused to deny or confirm the accusation, he just continued to stare as though Spike was about to eat him, which might not be far from the truth, and then suddenly a little lightbulb flashed over Xander’s head.

“The spell,” he announced, “she knew she had to get rid of Spike.”

“Hate ta tell ya, pet, but I never met the woman.”

“Yeah, but she was a watcher, so she knew you. No one else would have gone after her if she tried to get revenge; we’d all sit around and moan about how unfair the whole thing was, just like we did when we found out she had tricked us in the first place.”

“Sittin’ around moanin’ isn’t my thing, not unless there’s sex involved,” Spike confirmed. “But I’ve always been known ta take revenge kills a little too serious.”

At this point Quentin interrupted, taking a step forward in challenge before Spike’s snarl sent him retreating back to Giles’ side. “Your conclusion assumes that Mrs. Post had some ulterior motive as opposed to being so horrified by the corruptive influences around the slayer that she wanted to return and help purge these corruptions.

“Oh, the bint had ulterior motives; offered up Watcher secrets by the truckload ta try and save her life: Passwords, local contacts, safehouses.”

“She would never give a vampire information,” Quentin declared imperiously.

“Not now she won’t,” Spike agreed with a not-so-nice-smile. Quentin paled even more and then gathered his resources, as he went on the verbal offences. He turned to Giles as a less intimidating target than Spike.

“And these are the influences you have around the slayers? Vampires? Werewolves? Witches?”

“Oh my,” Xander sing-songed in a continuation of the Dorothy theme from the previous evening. Giles glared, but he could hear Spike snicker.

“Not ta mention a former warlock and the only human member of the Order of Aurelius, but funny enough, it’s not your business what this motley lot does, so ya keep your nose out of our business, or ya will get added to the menu,” Spike insisted. “We keep the hell mouth closed; you go do your soddin’ paperwork while your wives think of England.” Xander guessed from Quentin’s and Giles’ reactions that there was an insult in there, but he wasn’t sure where. He focused more on the fact that Spike had just publicly called himself one of the group: an official Scooby. Okay, if anyone ever used the term Scooby on him that approved menu list would grow, but still. Spike wasn’t just his lover; Spike was one of them.

“As if a vampire could be trusted with such a task,” Quentin huffed.

“Hey, Spike is as trustworthy as any of us,” Xander protested, driving his elbow into Spike’s side when the felt the vampire take a breath to protest his characterization of the vamp as ‘trustworthy.’ Not really the time for Spike’s diatribe on joys of still being evil.

“Ah, yes. Young mister Harris who has managed to become possessed…twice, to infect himself with fish steroids, and to be romantically linked to a life-sucking Incan mummy, a preying mantis, and a male vampire. Thank you so much for your character reference.”

“Hey, when you say it like that, you could make Mother Teresa sound like some sort of crazy person.” Xander protested.

“And did Mother Teresa ever harbor any demonic spirits?” Quentin inquired sarcastically.

“Probably not, ” Willow quickly interrupted, “but the hyena is totally history, the soldier has come in handy, and it’s not his fault when he hooks up with creatures that suck the life out of people, well…except Cordelia, that one’s his fault.”

“Yes, Miss Rosenberg who has blown the power in half the city, tried to communicate with the dead, hacked government computers, released a trapped demon into the internet and accidentally turned her male friend into a woman.”

“Just back away from the witch,” Xander warned as he now stepped forward, noticing that Spike moved with him, waiting and clearly ready to eat anyone Xander put on the approved list.

“You people have no business near the slayer. Your corrupt presence taints the work she must do.”

“Oi, I’m the only one corrupt in this company, despite my attempts otherwise, and the slayer, both the slayers, can talk for themselves. Ya might find that they have their own ideas on the matter,” Spike protested. He probably would have continued but just then the library doors flew open as Buffy made her grand appearance.

“And I’m saying, ‘Go Spike,’ but hopefully not out loud because agreeing with the peroxided one could be one of the signs of apocalypse.” Buffy walked in the door, Faith in her wake like a sarcastic shadow.

“Still like him better than your pet vamp,” Faith said as she broke away to lean on the library counter. Spike flashed game face and snarled as she twirled a stake in his direction, and Xander suddenly realized they were flirting, testing each other’s limits and seeing how far they could push.

“Hey! No flirting with my vampire,” Xander snapped as he stepped between.

“Oh good lord,” Giles said, and Xander turned in time to see the librarian disappear into his office, their guest standing with an expression of horror as if someone had just turned inside out, but no body anywhere to be seen.

“Hey, you want him, you got him big guy,” Faith said, and Xander turned back in time to see her hold her hands up in surrender.

“Yeah, yeah, get your own,” he said uncomfortably, suddenly aware that everyone was watching him make a fool of himself over Spike, over a male Spike, a smirking male Spike with that cat that ate the canary expression. “And I’m just going to pretend I didn’t say that in front of everyone.”

“This is exactly the sort of unacceptable behavior to which the slayer must not be exposed.”

“If you’re talking the Spike and Xander PDA show, I’m on board because I really don’t want to be exposed to whatever they do in private. I think we all try very hard to not think about them and private at all.” Buffy shuddered.

“Speak for yourself, B,” Faith interrupted with a quick leer, and Xander found himself retreating behind Spike, not too sure whether Faith was joking or not.

“Okay, most of us don’t want to know what they’re doing,” Buffy amended herself with a dramatic shudder. “However, if you’re talking about us not being exposed to them as friends, you’re going to have to learn to deal. Xander with his ability to inspire lust in demons at 100 paces and Willow with her wonky spells and Oz with his wolfiness and even Spike with his…God, I really don’t have enough time to go into all his problems,”

“Oi!” Spike interrupted, but Buffy continued as if he hadn’t spoken.

“They’re all my friends, and you’re not. So you can take your judgments and your rules and you can…” Buffy hesitated.

“Go shuve ‘em up a ry’tholon’s arse just before ya get eaten,” Spike finished, and Buffy flashed him a smile.

“Yeah, what he said.”

“Really, for nearly 12 centuries Slayers have lived by the Council rules, we have protected and guided our charges to ensure that—”

“Oi, wait a minute.” Spike stepped up, and when Quentin appeared ready to talk over him, Spike slipped into game face. Xander couldn’t contain his own manly type giggle when the little toad squeaked in fear and retreated around a table. “You lot have been guidin’ slayers for 1,200 years, but slayers have been around a lot longer than that. The master used to complain about this slip of a girl who gave him grief ‘bout a century before the crucifixion, so I think we can safely say that Slayers did just fine before ya and will do fine without ya.”

“Well, really,” the man stood up to his full five foot one inch and did his best to glare. “The council has always—”

“No mate, ya haven’t. You’re a bunch of piss ants tryin’ ta make yourselves feel important by hangin’ on ta the one person who actually is important…or two in this case,” Spike nodded toward both slayers.

“I think bleach boy’s got a point. And if we decide to keep him around along with all the other losers here, it’s our choice.” Faith added to the discussion.

“Hey, I resemble that remark!” Xander exclaimed in his best offended voice. He now turned to face Quentin “And I’ve been around here long enough to say that I’ve done more to save the world than your council.”

“You tell ‘em, pet,” Spike encouraged him.

“And Willow and Oz, both have been out here fighting, and Giles. And all you council people do is phone from England and tell us how we didn’t save the world right.”

“They’re worse than my mother trying to teach me how to drive,” Buffy pointed out.

“Like having someone tell you where to put your hand during sex. If everyone’s getting off, not polite to criticize technique,” Faith added, and all of them looked over to her slightly horrified. Except Spike, Xander could see amusement in Spike’s eyes which explained why he then hit his vampire.

“Bottom line, you need us and we don’t really need you,” Buffy summed up their arguments as she crossed her arms. Quentin stood there a moment frozen, looking from one face to the other, but even Giles who had reappeared in his office door didn’t speak for him. Gathering up his materials and shoving them back into his black bag, Quentin went for the exit with an indignant snort, giving Spike a wide berth.

“Before ya leave,” Spike said, and Quentin turned. “London, 1886. Don’t think I can’t do it again.”

“And if you try to take Buffy or Faith or attack the group again, I won’t stop him,” came a deep voice from the shelves as Angel appeared. “I might be inclined to help despite the mess he manages to create with that particular…extravagance.” Quentin paled even farther, and Xander thought the man might have a heart attack, but he simply left without another word.

“You know, I love you, and please never, ever tell me what happened in 1886,” Xander said as he leaned into Spike’s body and he felt Spike arm slip into place without a single disapproving stare. Of course Buffy’s expression was a little nauseated and Giles looked extremely weary, but no actual disapproval type disapproval.

“Right, one git taken care of, so unless somethin’ big and slimy’s crawlin’ outta the hell mouth tonight, I’m takin’ Xander home and working on corrupting him.”

“Okay, ewwww,” Buffy complained, but her voice didn’t have the normal vitriol.

“So, we’re all okay then?” Xander asked, pushing the tentative threads of togetherness he could feel circling the room.

“I’m willing to offer a no stake policy for a limited time trail basis,” Buffy offered.

“Right, that’s taken care of, so it’s time ta shag,” Spike said with a farewell nod toward the slayers, and Xander heard Buffy sigh and start to complain even as Spike dragged him out of the library.

“Giles, why do you let them…?”

“I assure you, I gave no permission. My time with the watchers never prepared me to deal with such circumstances.”

Xander smiled as he realized that all was well with his world, and if he was lucky, he was about to get seriously shagged. Once in the relative privacy of the hallway, he stopped, planting his feet and bracing his free hand against a locker.

“Oh bloody hell, what now?” Spike asked.

“I just want one promise from you,” Xander started.

“Right, won’t eat the slayers, won’t touch the witch, not plannin’ on sleepin’ with the dark slayer no matter how many passes she makes, and I’ll try ta keep the eatin’ people to a minimum.” When Xander didn’t answer, still trying to form the words in his own mind, Spike added. “What the bloody hell else could you ask for?”

Xander looked down into crystal blue eyes. “Um, share the chains?” he asked, and suddenly Spike’s face transformed from annoyance to salacious in a heartbeat.

“No problem pet,” Spike promised, and Xander happily followed as Spike nearly ran out of the school dragging him along behind.