Needed

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or the setting of the story. All things I borrowed from the Buffyverse are a creation of and belong to Joss Whedon.

Timeline: more than 9years after NFA ("Angel"), 10 after "Chosen" (BtVS)

Beta: Rachael

Feedback greatly appreciated. Please review!

Sorry it took so long and it's such a short chapter. I intend to have both this story and "Dawn's Fine" finished by the end of the year.

Chapter 16


For the first few weeks, Wesley phoned them every day. The deeper he got into the mountains, the less frequently he managed to find a phone, coverage for his cell or electricity to recharge it. Two months after he had left, the phone calls stopped.

He began writing Faith long letters, never sending any. The day Wesley found the shaman and he convinced him to lead him to the trial grounds, he wrote the last two letters. The letter to Alex was the most awkward thing he ever wrote, but even so, he couldn't afford to discard it. He was running out of time. He couldn't think of the boy as anything other than his son, and he wanted his son to have something from him.

Wesley took a long pause after writing to Alex. He frowned, his gaze lost in the distance wondering if he had the right to insert himself in the boy's life. He put the letter in an envelope, wrote "for Alex" on it, and left it unsealed. It had to be Faith's choice.

He took out another sheet of paper, preparing himself for opening his heart again. At least he knew what he had to tell Faith.

My darling Faith,

Please forgive me for failing you. You have to believe me that I go into the trials with the utmost determination to come back to you. When I left, we both knew that there was a chance that despite my most arduous efforts, I'll die. Again.

There are no doubts in my heart and in my mind that I belong by your side. I love you, Faith. I need you to understand that because I love you, I could never accept the second chance you've given me while the fate of your immortal soul remained uncertain. You deserve all I can give you.

If you're reading this letter – yes, I had to say it – it means that I did not succeed in the trials. I'll leave this letter with instructions to be sent to you. Time may pass differently over there, so chances are that the trials will last quite a while.

You have to know that even if I failed, you and Spike have your souls back. There are no words to express adequately the depth of my gratitude for what you two did for me. The least I could do was bargain my soul for yours. Last week I made a bargain with Wolfram and Hart. If I pass the trials, I have my soul back, and you have yours, no strings attached. If I fail the trials, you get your souls back, and the Senior Partners get mine.

Which brings me to the most difficult part of this letter. It must be hard for you to hear this, but as soon as you get this letter you must assume that if I come back, I am an agent of evil. It is not something I advise easily, but, my darling Faith, you have to be prepared to kill me. There are a variety of forms I may appear to you in, so you have to get creative.

When the time comes, I'll face my death with one imperative burning in me brighter than anything else. To come back to you. One way or another, I'll find my way back. Please, don't add to my sins by allowing me to harm you.

There is a chance, a slim one, but a chance nonetheless, that I come out of the trials victorious after you get this letter. To avoid an unfortunate accident, you should contact a White Coven to give you a way to distinguish whether I am there of my own free will or an agent of evil.

I want to be yours, body and soul, of my own free will. This is the reason why I go into the trials confident in victory. I want nothing more than to believe that you'll never read this letter. If you do, I want you to know two things. I love you. And you shouldn't waste the rest of your life waiting for me. I am both jealous and proud that you spent ten years in love with me, because I do believe that whatever your mind created in the cave was a very good replica of me. I'm not saying that you should forget me, in any of the forms you've known me. I'm sure that having our son around will make this impossible in any case. I wish I were there, helping you raise him. I wish I could spend the rest of my life with you.

The sun will be setting soon. I have to finish this letter that has no way to contain all the things I wanted to tell you. You know I'm not a man of few words, but I'll have to make do.

Please read the other letter and give it to Alex when you think it is appropriate.

Thank you for giving me the chance for this new life and new love.

Forever yours,

Wesley Wyndham-Pryce

He put the letters in an envelope, sealed it, and wrote Faith's name. He then proceeded to put it in another envelope along with the letter he had written to Alex, and a short note for Spike.

If I show up unexpectedly, give Faith the letters immediately. If I don't show up in a month from the day you received this envelope, give her the letters.

W. Wyndham-Pryce

On the outer envelope he wrote, William T. B. Pratt, and Faith and Spike's address.

Wesley's hand was trembling slightly when he gave the envelope to his guide. He gave the man the necessary instructions. He hoped that the letter was going to reach Spike very soon, and that his trust in the vampire was not misplaced. His first idea was to leave the simple instructions of sending the letter if he did not return to the village in a week or a month, but he had realized that if he failed, he might very well return as a pawn of Wolfram and Hart and take the letter back leaving Faith no warning.

Wesley walked into the trials unarmed and with no provisions. He had only his mind as a weapon and his love as shield.

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To be continued...