Subversive

“So Captain Forehead is going to teach you to fight?”


I glanced at Spike over my crossword puzzle as he walked in the door. It was a curious expression on his face, the same haughty, arrogant, thoroughly perplexed face that I knew and loved. If there was one person in the whole world that got under Spike's skin, it was Angel.



“Perhaps. He offered to teach me some self-defense moves so that I can, um... I can...” I trailed off.



Spike knew exactly what I wasn't saying. In case something ever happened again. I half-expected him to go into a long tirade of how incompetent Angel was, and that Angel would just use the time to work on his hair. Instead, Spike surprised me.



He crouched down beside me, and very carefully touched my cheek. His blue eyes were clear and focused as he nodded once, slowly. “All right. Just be careful.”



I raised an eyebrow, at once touched by his gentle manner and perplexed by his lack of insults. “That's it?”



Spike pursed his lips, his mind obviously running over what he really wanted to say and what he felt he should say. At last he captured my eyes with a very serious look and said, “I don't want you stuck in that situation ever again. If there's anything you can learn to help, I want you to learn it. I will take my own unlife before anything ever happens to you again.”



The intensity of his words drilled straight into my head. Spike had become so overly protective of me since the incident, and that had been over two months ago. He had been greatly helpful in my healing, and in helping initiate me back into society, me kicking and screaming all the way. Above all else, though, he would not let me go out alone. If I had to go somewhere during the day, he had Wesley, the “poofer”, go with me. His reasoning was, “better to have some poofer who can handle a decent weapon than nothing at all.” It had taken some getting used to, but, to tell the truth, I was glad of it. At least for awhile.



I was starting work again, and having someone with me every minute of every day was just not going to work well. Besides, I tried never to go out after dark anymore. That, too, was something that would have to change.



Taking Spike's hand, I smiled. “Thank you.”



That tiny frown appeared on his forehead. “For what?”



“For caring so damn much about me.”



His lips curled into a smile, and he kissed my forehead. “Anything for you, love.” He slowly stood up and moved towards the refrigerator to grab a mug of blood. As he popped it into the microwave, he commented, “I could teach you, you know. Everything Angel knows, I can just as well teach you.”



He was nervous. He would never admit it, but I could feel it in him. For the past two months he had been around me almost all the time, reluctant to let anyone else around me. I knew that if I were to take lessons from Angel, it would be a little bit of nervousness and even a little jealousy. Instead of driving me crazy as it probably should have, it just made me appreciate my vampire even more.



“Well, why don't you both teach me?” I suggested. “Couldn't there be some... demonstration between you guys, and you can both show me your techniques?”



Spike took a sip of his blood, and I watched him mull the idea over in his head. At last he shrugged. “Fine by me. All the more time I get to spend with my girl.”



I blushed a little whenever he called me his girl. Everyone knew it, but it still made me feel a little giddy to think about it. Especially considering everything that he had done for me.



“Eva,” he said, seriously, raising his eyes to look at me.



“Yes?”



He paused for a few more moments before he spoke again. “I'm right proud of you, love,” he said at last.



I frowned. “For what?”



Spike approached me slowly, the same serious look on his face. “For living. For working to get past what happened. A lot of people don't have a bit of the strength you have, love. Every second of every day, I've watched you. I wished that I could suffer for you, that you never would have to feel what you feel. But you?” He crouched down in front of me, looking at me for all the world as if I were the center of it. “I saw you going down that long, dark hallway, love. And no matter what I couldn't seem to pull you back.”



I looked away, staring at the way the curtains folded. “Part of me didn't want to get pulled back,” I admitted quietly.



He nodded once. “I know. But you came back. You pulled yourself out, and I'm right proud of you for that. Takes more guts than you know.” Spike gently ran a finger over one of the scars on my face, one of many that would never go away. I could see his mind replaying things, the way they had gone down.



I studied his face then, looking closely. He could make his face a complete blank if he wished to, while at the same time he could show every emotion known to man. At the moment, with his mind drifting, his eyes were clouded with memory.



Sighing deeply, I sat up, relieved to be without pain. “Do you know why I pulled myself out?” I asked. “When everyone around me was asking and trying to get into my head, and I never wanted to talk to anyone, I realized something.” I paused, searching his face. “I never wanted to be a victim. But I found out that I could be one. And even though I--” I faltered. “I tore out his heart myself, he still broke me. And if I didn't try to fight back with him dead and gone, then he would be right.”



Spike tilted his head. “How so?”



I blinked, hearing his words echo in my head. “Then he would have made me his bitch forever. I won't allow that.”



He wrapped his arms around me, holding me close. I felt the way he kept his own strength at bay to keep from crushing me, yet another thing I respected him for. I closed my eyes for a moment, realizing that for the first time in months I felt safe again. Spike had gone above and beyond anything I could have asked for: doting on me, taking care of me, giving me space, and blowing off my temper. The fact that he believed in me meant more than anything else.



“That's why you're my goddess,” he whispered. “You're too good for this bloody world. No one will ever make you anything.”







The morning sun was reflecting off the Wolfram and Hart sign, near to blinding if one looked closely at it. A cold front had been passing through L.A., making the temperature in the low fifties and sending the residents scurrying to the designer stores for full-on winter wear.



I stared at the building, hugging my light black jacket to me. First day back, and I was nervous. Angel had advised me to wear something comfortable and to bring clothes for working out. Loose black slacks and a white turtleneck were my costume of choice for the day. I knew that Spike would be waiting for me inside. I had wanted to come alone, to give myself time to adjust.



Finally I took a deep breath and made my way inside the impressive law offices. The moment I entered I felt the rush that existed, the strange harmony of humans and demons working together. It was a strange sensation, something I had forgotten about in my time off. Shivering slightly, I made my way towards the elevators.



Leaning against the wall, I breathed deeply. It felt strange, coming back to work. Enough time had passed that most people probably figured I had run off in fear or been devoured. Still, it would be nice to occupy my mind again.



As the doors opened, I swallowed hard and stepped forward. Several people smiled and greeted me, welcoming me back. I prided myself on being able to walk out in public without fear. Besides, these law offices were extremely well-protected. If nothing else, this would probably be the one place where I shouldn't feel safe considering the powers that ran it, but I did feel safe there.



Approaching my desk, I saw a large bouquet of white roses waiting for me, as well as a stack of cards. I couldn't help smiling as I set my purse down and looked over the well wishes.



“Eva!”



I looked up as Harmony jumped up from her desk, her blonde hair bouncing around her shoulders. Part of me stiffened, seeing as Harmony had never been that warm towards me once she found out I had taken her “blondie bear.” Not to mention that, even as vapid as she could be, she was still a vampire.



She opened her arms and gave me a big hug complete with air kisses. I startled, too astonished to move. “It's so good to see you back,” she smiled. “Everyone was wondering if you were ever coming back here. So many people disappear for no reason. Not that you didn't have a reason, those horrible beasts. How are you feeling?”



Still reeling a little, I offered a small smile. “Much better, thanks. The time off helped a lot.”



Strangely enough, there still appeared to be nothing ill-conceived in her expression. “Great. Everyone's been really worried about you. And don't worry. I already got your plans in order for today. Angel doesn't really let me do a whole lot, so I went ahead and took care of some of his errands for you. Figured I'd try to help make your day a little easier.”



“That's... really nice of you, Harmony.”



The vampiress shrugged, still smiling. “Hey, I know what it's like when everyone treats you like crap, so I figured I'd try to help.”



I blinked. I had heard some of her less than brilliant moments, when she herself had tried to go after the Slayer and had her own minions. To tell the truth, I had no idea where she thought she knew anything about me, but I wasn't going to rain on her parade.



“Well... thanks. I appreciate it.”



“No problem. We girls got to stick together.” She even punched me lightly on the shoulder, which was harder than she intended, given her strength. I winced, grimacing.



“Eva?”



I looked up as Fred and Wesley approached. Fred was grinning from ear to ear, her hair tied tightly on top of her head. I gave them both smiles. “Hi, guys.”



Fred immediately gave me a gentle hug. “I'm so glad you're back. The office has been a disaster without you.”



I pinned her with a look. “Fred, don't lie to me. I know you. You can run this place with your eyes shut. You don't need me.”



She offered an embarrassed grin. “Well, maybe. But I still missed you.”



“That I'll accept.”



I turned to Wesley, who was smiling warmly at me. “Good to see you, Bodyguard.”



Chuckling, Wesley gave me a hug. “As it always is, Eva. It's my pleasure to watch over you.”



“Well, you don't need to worry about that anymore. Angel's going to teach me self-defense.”



Wesley nodded. “So I heard.” He paused, somehow managing not to clean his glasses. “Are you sure you, uh, feel up to it?”



His concern touched me. Somewhere along the line I had figured out that everyone's concern was a good thing. I nodded once. “Well, it's either that, or I remain latched to your side and never go anywhere alone again. I'm reasonably certain that you have better things to do with your time than babysit me.”



Fred and Wesley exchanged glances. He leaned forward and touched my shoulder. “Eva, it's never been a bother at all. Though I am proud that you are taking this initiative.”



“Yeah, I already got the motivational speech. But thanks. I mean it.” Taking a deep breath, I smiled again. “So! Did I miss anything important while I was gone?”







It had been a long day. Angel had told me I could take it easy and leave early if I needed to, but I was determined to get back in the game. Granted, it had been mind-numbing, and all the help Harmony had given me I had to fix. But at the same time, getting back into the routine was a good thing.



As I made my way down towards the in-company gym, I took a moment to register the strength that was back in my limbs. The physical therapy and daily walks had really helped me out. I wondered how I would be able to handle self-defense class with a vampire. I'd never been particularly strong, and it seemed sort-of futile when I thought about it. At the same time, though, even the weakest person could exhibit phenomenal strength in extreme circumstances. So, what the hell, right?



The gym was big. Actually, I think they called it a training room, seeing as it looked nothing like my gym. There were some punching bags, treadmills, weights, and the entire floor was covered in mats. Mirrors covered one side of the wall. As I walked in, Angel was already there, dressed down in sweatpants and a tank top, displaying his impressive muscles. I allowed myself a moment to watch him, admiring the view.



He turned around as I entered. “Eva. Good. How you doing?”



“Fine. My ass is well acclimated to sitting down, so no change there.”



Angel actually broke a little smile. “Are you ready for this?”



Shrugging, I set down my water bottle and approached. “Ready as I'll ever be, I guess.” I glanced around. “Is Spike around?”



“Haven't seen him. I thought he'd want to be here.”



A part of me didn't want him to be there. I figured I was about to make a damn fool of myself, and I really didn't want him to witness any more of my humiliations. But he had said he would be there.



And universal rule number twenty-one kicked into effect as Spike strode in directly. “Oh, good. I haven't missed Eva kicking your sorry arse yet,” he grinned.



Angel remarkably blew off the barb. I gave him a look. “Spike, I'm hardly going to kick anyone's ass.”



Spike shrugged, gently touching my cheek. “Come on, love, you don't give yourself enough credit. I've seen you throw some good punches. Don't sell yourself short.”



I quirked a half-smile. “Guess we'll see.”



“You ready, Eva?”



I nodded as Spike sauntered over to the corner and lit a cigarette. “Sure.”



Angel stood in front of me. “Okay. So why don't you show me your punches?”



Squirming uncomfortably, I said, “You want me to hit you?”



He nodded. “Yeah. It's okay, Eva. I can take it.”



I felt Spike watching me, and my stomach twisted. I'd always hated performing anything in public. Now that I was getting critiqued, it was a little nauseating. As I glanced up at Angel, patiently watching me, looming large and solid, I wondered if I could ever take on anything like him.



Taking a deep breath, I relaxed my arms, and curled my hand into a fist. I tried to figure out where I should hit him. At last I decided to just strike out and let the punch fall where it would. I swung, my fist connecting with his chest. Angel didn't move.



Wincing, I shrugged awkwardly. “How was that?”



Angel raised an eyebrow, glanced from his chest to me. “Well... it was a start. Try again. Look at it this way. If you're trying to fend off an attacker, you want to hit their face. It usually causes the most distraction.”



“You want me to hit you in the face?”



Spike piped up instantly. “If she won't do it, I'll take a shot.”



Angel rolled his eyes. “Spike, I thought we agreed we'd do this for Eva's benefit.”



“And I fully support that. All I'm sayin' is I'm willing to show her how to throw a proper punch at you. For her benefit, of course.”



I glanced at him. “Spike,” I pleaded. “This is hard enough. Please shut up.”



Spike gave me a cheeky grin and remained silent.



Turning back to Angel, I tried to summon up the adrenaline that I had when I had been cornered. That had been a big key. Right now I didn't feel threatened.



“Okay. Try this.” Angel searched my face, his eyes focused. “Try pretending that I'm an attacker. If it helps, pretend I'm one of the vampires that hurt you.”



Flashes of vamped out faces crossed my mind and I flinched. I had tried to forget what they'd looked like, hoping that might erase some of the pain. He was right, though. I couldn't hit Angel just knowing it was him. So I let my mind wander a little, remembered the blur of the vampires that surrounded me and how frightened I felt.



I lashed out and hit Angel's jaw. His head jerked to the side, but he didn't lose his balance even.



“I stink at this.”



Angel shook his head. “No, that was better. You have to try to focus on where you want to strike, even though that's not often possible. Most of the time, you're in a situation where you have to strike hard and fast at whatever your target is. I want you to know what it's like to hit someone up close and personal, and then we'll go over what to do when someone sneaks up on you.”



“Had plenty of practice at that.” I shook myself out, trying to ease up on my tension. “You do realize that I hit like a sissy, right?”



“Come on. Let's work on that.”







Angel was intense in his teaching. A part of me was uncomfortable when I thought that many of the attacks he showed me were ones he had used himself. But then I remembered that he was helping me. He wasn't about to hurt me. And with Spike making snide comments every so often in the corner of the room, it was difficult to concentrate. Over all, I couldn't quite make myself hit Angel as hard as he wanted me to. I just wasn't built to hit people.



After an hour or so, I was sweating and tired, but to my credit I had become determined. Angel hadn't even broken a sweat yet. I knelt on the ground, trying to get my breath back. My body was sore; this was by far the most exercise I'd had in a very long time. I felt as if I'd been put through the ringer. Why anyone did this for fun, was beyond my comprehension.



“Are you all right, Eva?” Angel asked, standing beside me.



I glanced at his legs, and a strange thought crossed through my mind. I wondered if I could do it, or if I would just look like a fool. Well, more of a fool.



“Eva?”



Taking a quick breath, I spun around and threw my leg out, catching Angel in the backs of his knees. His legs fell out from under him and he toppled to the ground. I leaped to my feet, bringing my hands up into curled fists as if ready to strike out at him.



The sound of Spike's laughter caught my attention, though I didn't take my eyes off of Angel. I was trying to learn to focus better, to not get distracted as easily.



“Well, that was bloody brilliant, love!” Spike exclaimed, jumping to his feet. “To think Angel got side-swiped by my girl. And I got to see it. Now that's a Kodak moment.”



Angel was looking up at me with a mixture of surprise and pride. “Wow. Nice job, Eva. I think you know the element of surprise better than you think.”



As he got to his feet, I shrugged slightly, allowing myself to relax from my defensive stance. “It was a lucky shot, Angel, and you know it.”



“You're doing well. Really.”



I looked up at him doubtfully. “Are you sure you didn't see me coming with that move?”



Meeting his eyes, I looked for a sign that he was lying. Unfortunately, he had one of the best poker faces I'd ever seen. Angel replied, “No, I didn't. You did good.”



“Bloody right she did good.” Spike strode out onto the mats, looking as proud as if he himself had taken Angel down. Although I had the feeling there would be much more pompous bragging involved. He touched my arm, practically beaming down at me. “Few more sessions and you'll be able to take on any big bad, love.”



Still catching my breath, I gave him a funny look. “Spike, stop it.”



“What?”



“Stop telling me that I'm picking it up. I'm not. The only reason I've ever been able to throw any punches in the past is because I felt threatened and the adrenaline kicked in. I feel too awkward to hit Angel.”



A strange look crossed his face. Tilting his head, he said, “Then what about me?”



I frowned. “What about you?”



“Take a swing at me, love. I know there's been times you'd have loved to take me on, give me a good what for.”



He was serious. It was a generous offer, but at the same time it was even worse. How did he not get this? How did he not understand why this was hard? I couldn't hit Angel because I knew him, because he was my friend. To hit Spike was even stranger. I was far more intimate with him than I was with Angel, so how could I possibly consider fighting with him?



Shaking my head, I stepped away. “No. I can't do that.”



Spike sighed, frustrated. “Why not?”



Whirling on him, I snapped, “Because I'm not strong enough, okay? I can't separate my feelings just to beat up on one of you.”



He pinned me with a stare. “Love, I hate to be the bearer of stating the obvious, but we're the safest opponents you're going to get. You're never going to learn how to fight proper if you don't trust one of us enough to let that guard down a little.”



I bristled. “Oh, sorry, Mr. I Heal Extremely Fast and Can Take a Hit like It's Nothing. I have a few issues to sort through. Sue me.”



“We all have issues. You have to make the choice to deal with them and be stronger or wallow in them and become a bloody shell.” His blue eyes sparkled in frustration.



As I looked at him, I suddenly saw a whole other side of him. I saw how frustrated he was not only with what had happened, but with me. I realized that there were things he would never say to me, maybe how bratty I had been, or how much I had wallowed. He had been nothing but supportive, forgoing so much for my sake. God only knew it had been ages since we'd had sex, and that was yet another thing we never talked about. I knew he was willing to give me space and time on that. But here I was, standing before two men who had rescued me, trying to help me better myself, and I was being stubborn. Angel might not say anything, but leave it to Spike to bring the bottom line into light.



When I didn't say anything, Spike threw his coat off and tossed it aside. To Angel, he said, “C'mon, Angel. Let's you and me show her how it's done. She doesn't want to see the messy bits, but she needs to.”



Angel glanced between us. I saw a hesitation there, a concern, but then his mind seemed to go in another direction. He nodded sharply. “Fine. It would do her some good to see how the fight can really turn.”



“Brilliant.”



Without hesitation Spike swung a punch and knocked Angel off balance. Angel shook it off, ducking to the side just as Spike swung again. Angel spun on his heel, sending a thorough shot to Spike's back. With a grunt, Spike stumbled forward, then kicked backwards. His foot connected with Angel's stomach, sending Angel backwards. Spike used the moment to swing again, this time catching Angel's face.



“That all you got, Angel?” Spike taunted, circling about. “Getting soft in your old age?”



Angel looked up at Spike, something forbidding in his dark eyes. “You would know, wouldn't you.”



Angel let Spike come forward a few steps before he grabbed Spike's arm, twisting him around until it looked as if he might dislocate the arm. He started to grab Spike by the neck, but Spike somehow slipped through the grasp, ending up reversing the position and sending Angel tumbling to the floor.



I watched the pair dance and swing and take out years of aggression on the other. It wasn't just for my benefit that they were fighting. They both had issues to sort out, and neither one would ever do it through words. Part of me marveled at the sheer strength each one possessed. There was so much power in each one. It made me wonder what each man had been before they had been turned. How much strength did the demon give the vampire? It was no wonder that we humans got knocked around like little insects.



The moves they did seemed simple but effective. Could I ever move that smoothly, be that precise? Granted, as time passed, their blows seemed less intentional and more random, but that didn't change how effective they were. For a brief second I worried that they would seriously hurt one another. Then I realized, they would heal just fine, probably within an hour or so.



Something strange struck me the more I watched them. For these vampires, it wasn't just about the fight. It was about passion. Granted, their passion seemed based on frustration and anger, but it was passion nonetheless. Was that was gave them so much strength? Anger, hurt feelings, betrayal, all rolled into one? The violence of it was almost poetic.



I'd heard they had called Angel the Scourge of Europe back in the day, and Spike had been there with him. They had been a terrifying force to be dealt with. Now here they were, both souled, both beating the living hell out of each other. For my benefit? Nah. I wasn't that deluded. Watching them fight wasn't truly going to help me learn to defend myself any better. I knew deep down that if put in a fight or flight scenario again, I would run as fast as my legs could carry me. And maybe carry a water gun full of holy water. Was it possible to find a portable flamethrower? That would be nice.



After a particularly vicious punch from Angel, I saw Spike change. His face slipped into the demonic and he released a growl that seemed to reverberate through the entire room. At that moment I felt it all again. I felt the fear of that demonic visage tear through me, of being surrounded by a multitude. A chill ran down my spine and it suddenly became hard to breathe.



Turning abruptly, I walked as fast as I could out of the gym, leaving the two vampires to beat themselves silly. I saw the devil in my mind, that horrible twisted face leering at me through golden eyes, eyes like yet unlike those on the face of my lover. I felt a memory of pain in my neck where he had torn into me. I kept walking, trying to fend off the sensations. It wasn't real. It was all done. It had been over for a long time now.



When I reopened my eyes, I found myself about to run head first into Wesley.



“Oh! God, I'm sorry, Wesley.”



He touched my arm, keeping me on my feet. “Quite all right.” He peered at me curiously. “Eva, are you all right? You look a bit... odd.”



Swallowing hard, I glanced backwards. “No, I'm fine, Wesley. Just a bit too much exercise, I guess.”



At that, Wesley gave me a 'I know you're lying to me' look, so very reminiscent of Spike. “Eva,” he said slowly. “If there is something wrong, you know you can trust me.”



Blinking to clear away the memories, I took a shuddering breath. After several moments, I looked back at him. “I just... Spike and Angel are showing me how a real fight goes, and Spike put on his gameface and...”



Wesley nodded once, understanding. “And it frightened you.”



I shrugged sheepishly. “I know it's not the same thing, but I haven't seen a vampire since that last day. It's just strange to look at.”



For several long moments Wesley was silent, simply watching me. At last he spoke. “You know, Eva, that neither of them are the same as the creatures that hurt you. Neither of them would ever hurt you.”



“I know.”



“Self-defense is a very important thing to learn, especially for a woman,” he continued. “You have the opportunity here to not only learn a valuable lesson, but to also confront your own demons, so to speak. Where else can you confront the faces of those that harmed you?”



Frowning, I gave him a funny look. “So... you're telling me to use them as therapy?”



Wesley offered a half-smile. “In a manner of speaking, yes. Neither of them can be hurt easily. And there is no one more steadfast to teach you than Angel. And to a lesser extent, Spike.” He paused, taking a moment to touch my arm. “Eva, it's all up to you. I encourage you to take your time, of course, to allow yourself to adjust. But you must find a way to put this all behind you. For your own sake.”



His words made sense. It was sort-of the same jolt I got back in the gym from the unspoken words in Spike's eyes. If even looking into a vampire's face made me cringe and feel as if the world was ending, then I wouldn't last long. Wesley was right. I had to face this thing, and this was the safest scenario I was going to get. I highly doubted that Angel would be able to convince some random vampires to let a human woman try to beat them up a little.



Nodding at last, I exhaled. “Thanks, Wesley,” I said softly.



Turning around, I slowly walked back towards the gym. The sounds of fighting had stopped, and I figured the men had finally realized that they had lost their audience. Upon entering, I found Spike heading towards me, with Angel close behind.



Spike frowned as he met me. “What was that about, love? Where'd you disappear to?” he asked.



I took a moment to glance between the two vampires. There were bruises on each one, and surely more beyond scant sight. “You two boys have fun roughing each other up?”



Angel wiped his face with a towel. “Oh, you know how it is, Eva. You get so preoccupied, you forget about everything else.”



Spike gently touched my arm, the frown still on his face. “Really. What's wrong?”



I gave him my bravest smile. I didn't want to divulge my own weakness. “I'm fine, Spike. I'm ready to take you up on your offer. But, don't be offended. I want to try it with Angel first. If that's okay.” I looked at my boss nervously.



Angel looked surprised, but nodded. “Of course. That's what this is all about.”



Looking back at Spike, I touched his hand. “Okay by you?”



Spike brushed his knuckles over my cheek, something like pride in his eyes. “Just getting him warmed up for you, love,” he replied. He took my hand and kissed it, then stepped back.



“Angel?”



Angel nodded. “No problem. Let's get started.”



As we resumed our positions on the mat, I shook myself out in an attempt to rid my stomach of the butterflies that were fluttering very insistently.



I can do this. I can do this.



“I want you to attack me, Angel.”



It surprised me that the words came out of my mouth. I saw the surprise on his face as well, but I knew it was the only way to go. I had to be able to find a way out of a situation.



“And I want you to put your gameface on.”



That took him even further off guard. I could almost hear Spike frown from the sidelines.



“Woah, Eva,” Angel said, holding up a hand. “This is only our first day. I don't want you to put too much pressure on yourself. Do you really want to face--?”



“Face what? A vampire?” I snorted. “Not really. But hasn't everyone been telling me that this is the safest way for me to confront my own demons? Or your demon, in this case.” I pinned him with what I hoped was a confident stare. “Angel, it's all right. I know you won't hurt me. Controlled circumstances and all that. Besides, I do need this. Please. Play the part for me.”



Angel was silent for a long time as he seemed to mull over my words. He was the one, after all, who had convinced me that I needed to fight. I seriously doubted he would go back on his conviction now.



“Okay.” That was all he said. “Tell me when you're ready.”



I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. I let my mind refocus on how I had felt just a short time ago, when I had seen Spike change. The yellow eyes, the ridges of the face, the fangs, that scent of death. My heart began to beat just a little bit faster. I could feel the night wrapping its destructive arms around me, shielding me from light and safety, embracing me with death's kiss.



Turning around, I took a few steps forward. “Go ahead.”



I tried to brace myself, but nothing prepared me for the steel hands that grabbed my arm, the other wrapping across my chest. My pulse skyrocketed and I felt the adrenaline kick in. I felt my mind go blank as sheer instinct took over. I brought my foot down onto his toes as hard as I could, and when I felt his grip slacken just a bit, I brought my elbow back into his chest. His hands fell away, and I brought my head back. My head connected with his chin, sending a surging ache through my skull, but it caused him to stumble backwards.



I whirled around just as Angel regained his footing, and my heart leaped into my throat. He was in full gameface, his piercing yellow eyes staring at me, an animalistic growl coming from those gentle lips.



Vampire!



I fell back into my own memories. I could feel the cool night air on my skin and how the sweat seemed to slow me down. There was a stink in the street that was clouded by the stench of the vampires. They were everywhere, all of them closing in on me. Fight or flight.



Turning on my heel, I made to run. A hand caught my arm and pulled me back. I screeched, the adrenaline giving way towards panic. His hand came to my neck, fingers gripping my flesh, and the other hand grabbed my hair.



“Careful, there, Angel.”



Spike's voice sounded remote. I could feel my heart thudding against my chest, panic sweeping over me. I was pressed against Angel's body. I felt him lowering his head towards my neck.



No. Never again.



I let my knees buckle, allowing my body to fall downwards. Angel immediately loosened his grip on me, but I kept my hold on him. I rolled forward, pulling him with me for all I was worth. He tumbled over me onto the ground. Coming to a stop on my back, I rolled over and hauled myself to my feet. Practice or not, my instinct to survive was coming on strong.



As Angel got to his feet as well, I kicked out, my foot catching him in the chest. He grabbed my foot and held, making me totter until I fell right back onto my ass.



“Watch yourself, Eva,” Angel growled. “You're doing great.”



All I heard was the growl. When he leaned over me, all I could see was that demon coming over me. I felt the cold ground under me, the thrill that the vampires felt as they surrounded me. I couldn't breathe. It was all happening too fast, and I knew that I was going to lose. They had me, they were going to take me and hurt me.



With a scream, I lashed out with a fist. It caught Angel in the face and he fell back enough so that I could scramble to my feet. He was on his knees. I looked at him again, and I saw the face of Stanley Howard, that maniacal look in his eyes as he plotted on how best to torture me and humiliate me and make me less of a woman. That glimmer of golden eyes twinkled at me, that sick smile covering his face.



I struck out again, every ounce of adrenaline coursing through me into a giant knot in the center of my chest. All the pain that I had borne, all the suffering that had gone into hibernation, came out of me in a rush. All I could see what Stanley Howard's face, feel his hands on me, his fangs violating my flesh. I screamed at him, throwing punch after punch. I wanted to beat his face in. I wanted to give back the pain and take back my own life. I wanted to beat out his image until no one remembered it, not even me. My flesh burned where he had touched me, my neck flaming in remembrance.



I knew I had taken out his heart. I knew I had his blood on my hands. But it wasn't enough. I never got the chance to get up close and personal with him. That look in his eyes when I took out his heart was close, and it was freeing justice. That face had haunted me every night for weeks, and I didn't want to see it anymore.



“Eva! Eva, stop, love, stop!”



Hands grabbed my waist in an attempt to stop me.



I screamed again and whirled around, throwing out another punch. I caught Spike full on in the face, and sending him stumbling backwards. A brief amount of shock permeated my mind. I glanced over my shoulder and saw Angel, and I startled out of my memories. He was lying on his back, gasping for breath. His face was covered in blood.



Remorse and shame flooded back over me. I felt myself crumble, gasping for breath under the weight of what I had kept bottled up inside and what I had done now. A sob escaped my lips.



“Oh my God...”



I fell against Spike as he reached out for me, collapsing into tears as I realized what I had done and that what had happened was finally over. I didn't have to keep living in fear or burying myself in my own pain. I had to take back my own life. I had lost control.



“I'm sorry... I'm sorry...”



Spike held me close, keeping me still as I trembled through the tears. It horrified me that I could let loose like that, that I could carry so much rage inside of me. I thought that I had worked through my pain, but maybe not.



“Ssh... you're all right, love. You're all right.”



Taking a deep, gulping breath, I slowly raised my head. Spike watched me carefully, brushing back my hair from my face. No snarkiness, no hidden riddles, nothing but puzzlement and pride in the same look.



“I'm sorry,” I whispered. “I—I didn't mean to do that.”



“Hey.” He kissed my forehead, placing both hands on my face. “Peaches over there is just fine. See?”



I anxiously turned to face Angel, who had stood up and was wiping off his face. He met my gaze, just watched me for what seemed like forever. My heart was still pounding, slowly coming off the adrenaline rush.



At last, Angel spoke. “Eva,” he cleared his throat. “Nice punches.”



I had to fight not to cry again. “I-I'm so sorry, Angel.”



“No, it's okay.” He crouched down beside me, letting me see the bruises on his face. That in itself made the guilt rise high. “Do you feel better now?”



I stared at him, half-horrified. “Angel, I wasn't trying to take it out on you. I didn't want to take it out on you!”



He touched my shoulder, pinning me with his eyes. “It's all right, Eva,” he said quietly. “I knew that the only way you'd be able to deal with what happened is to face the demon. Spike knew just the same.”



“Yeah. Only figured you'd rather take it out on me than the ponce,” Spike interjected.



“So... what, you figured I'd go psycho on your ass?” I queried.



Angel shrugged. “Something like that. Look, don't beat yourself up, Eva. I know that it's been hard on you. You've done well in starting to get past it, but there was always something holding you back. You needed to be able to look at the demon and let go of that rage you've kept bottled up.”



“And what a bloody spectacle it was,” Spike said. “Bloody hell, love, I've never seen you let loose like that.” His lips curled up in a strange smile, just for a moment. “Sort of makes me glad you chose to take it out on Angel.”



I glanced down at my hands. There was blood on them. Again, blood on my hands. As I stared, I realized that I didn't feel the same coiled feeling in the pit of my stomach. Somehow I felt a little bit lighter inside than I had before. I hated that I had lost control, but at the same time it had been extremely freeing. No more hiding. No more looking over my shoulder every time I walked through a shadow. It really was over and done with.



Taking a long, slow breath, I looked from Angel to Spike. “Thank you.”