It's An Adventure

"You know, we *might* be able to sell that guillotine on E-Bay." Cordelia told the silent, cigar puffing, group.

"Yeah!" Xander grinned, still twirling his six-shooter. He was working on his quick draw. "Or that antique show on the Sesame Street Channel. What's that called?"

"You two are more than welcome to go back and drag it home." Angel told them, continuing to walk along in his too big bright red sneakers. "But, I am *not* waiting."

Xander and Cordelia stopped, eyes bright and grinning at each other with shared greed.

Spike grabbed Xander by his arm and pulled him forward. "*No*."

"No?" Cordelia huffed. "*Excuse* me, but *no*? I don't see any *rings* on his fingers, Spike! Xander! Don't be a *wimp*! He can't tell you what to do!"

"Share my diamonds with you, Xanpet." Spike offered, evilly, smirking at Cordelia.

"Okay, then." He smiled at Cordelia. "I'm good."

"Whore!" Cordelia snipped at Xander.

"And I'm *okay* with that." Xander laughed.

She looked at Danielle, pleading.

"Sorry, hun. I do fine robbing my victims. You would not *believe* the amount of cash some people carry. It's obscene. Really. So, um, I don't really *need* any money from, uh, ebay. And, more importantly, I don't know these tunnels. I'd help you if I could, really I would." She puffed at her cigar, smiling at Cordy. "But I'd hate to be stuck down here with just you." She took Cordelia's hand and pulled her along. "Getting to know you is *one* thing. Being stuck down here with you and *hungry*? That's something else. I don't *do* hungry. I'd suck you dry in a heartbeat, babe."

"*Fine*." Cordelia moved away from Danielle, pouting. "Everyone just *ignore* my wants and needs."

Everyone did.

Danielle checked her watch. "I hate to impose, but are you guys going to be able to put me up for the day?"

Wesley spoke, turning to smile at Danielle. "Oh, yes, of course. You did help us, after all. The very least we could do is put you up for the day. We have plenty of rooms. You are most welcome to stay until the sun goes down."

Spike snickered. "What would the counsel say about you, Wes ole chum? And you *don't* have plenty of room."

"We *do*." He coughed. "Have *rooms*, that is. But just that, I'm afraid. *Rooms*, only. And not much else, I'm sorry to say."

Danielle laughed. "Got rooms without direct sunlight? Got blankets?"

"Yes. Plenty. *Comforters*, too." He smiled at her.

"Then I'm pleased to accept and thankful for your offer."

"I've already got dibs on and *plans* for your bed, not-a-watcher."

Wesley sighed. "Pay no mind to *that* one. I really don't know why Angel didn't stake him while they were down here."

Danielle laughed. "What? The shiny headed one? But he can't be *all* bad, Wesley. The Bleathvores *loved* him! It takes a special type of, um, *thing*, for Bleathvores to love you. They are *very* particular about people, places and things, you know."

"We were busy fucking and trying to keep our heads attached to our shoulders. Oh. And gambling. We were busy *gambling*, huh, Spike? *That's* why I didn't stake him, Wes." Angel muttered from the front.

The tunnel got very quite.

"No, Sire." Spike said. "*I* was busy gambling. You were *sleeping*, ya bloody toff!"

"What's that you said, Angel?" Cordelia asked. "Did you say *fuck*? 'Cause it *sounded* like fuck. You can *not* fuck! Hello! No sex! Are you *Angelus*? I am *so* loaded down with vamp killing weapons, if you are!" Cordy aimed her supersoaker at Angel's back.

Angel didn't stop walking. "I said 'fuck'. Doesn't mean anything. I'm *not* Angelus, Cordy."

"So, just what *does* it mean, Angel?" Xander asked. He didn't move away from Spike. In fact, he stepped closer to the blond vampire.

"It doesn't mean-" Spike began.

Xander cut him off. "I was talking to the BatVamp, Spike. I'm just *courious*. Wondering, if you will. Who did you *fuck*, Angel? Did you *fuck* Spike?"

Angel just kept walking. "Almost there."

"Pet, don't worry about what *he* said." Spike said, holding Xander back and indicating Angel with a tilt of his head. "He *is* my Sire, after all, and you can't-"

"*Spike*." Xander began. "I'm okay. I'm not mad at you."

Spike was quite as they started to walk again.

But he was thinking. 'Not mad at you.' What the fuck did *that* mean?

"Now, wait a minute, pet. I don't give a fuck if yer *mad* or not. I can fuck who ever I want! Any *time* I want! I can give it up to me Sire if I *chose* to, and you be bloody *damned*!"

"But did you *want* to fuck Angel?" Xander asked. Reason, personified. Xander even *smiled* at Spike.

And just what kind of mind-fucking thing is *this*? Spike wondered. The boy could fight dirty, it seemed.

"Doesn't *matter* if I-"

"Well, then." Xander cut him off. "You won't be too mad if I do *this*."

Xander pulled his six-shooter out and shot Angel in the ass.

"Ow! What the-!" Angel stopped and grabbed his ass. "What hel hell was that?"

"Nope. I won't be mad at all." Spike grinned. "In fact. I'm *okay* with it." He snickered, mimicking Xander's earlier statement. "You can do it again, if you want, pet."

"Xander shot you in your ass, Angel." Cordeila told him. "He's been shooting a lot lately. I still think he needs some type of therapy."

"Nope. The *shooting* is the therapy, Cordy."

"Oh. Well. That's good, then. You've managed to get in a lot of *therapy* this evening, Xan."

"You'll want to get that bullet out pretty quick, Dark One." Danielle offered. "No telling how old it is. Plus, it could go *septic*. Bad news for vampires. Nasty. Be a shame to loose your, um, cheek."

"Dammit Xander! You *shot* me?" Angel turned and grabbed Xander's shoulder.

Spike growled and Angel growled back, pushing the smaller vampire away.

"Dammit Angel! You *fucked* Spike?" Xander stood toe to toe, face to face with the dark haired vampire. And he was pissed.

"Yes I did! I *fucked* him! I can do that! He's my childe! He's a *vampire*. You need to *know* that!"

Xander crossed his arms across his chest. "Hum. Let me get this straight. Call me slow. You fucked *my* vampire so I would know *my* vampire was a *vampire*. Is that your story, Deadboy?"

"He's *my* vampire!" Angel roared. "And he's a *vampire*!"

"I am my *own* effin vam-" Spike began.

Xander and Angel turned to yell at him. "Shut *up*, Spike!"

"This is like a heavy domestic-type squabble kind of thing, isn't it?" Danielle whispered into Wesley's ear. "Should we be here?" She looked at the angry threesome and shuddered.

"Well. We might be needed to stop further blood shed. And it is a bit fascinating don't you think? I've never seen Angel like this. Maybe he is-"

"No! I don't! Not fascinating at all! It reminds me of my *parents* fighting when I was still human. I have *issues* with this type of violence, I'll admit. Stalking, killing, torturing, rendering limb from limb, I'm okay with *that* stuff, but domestic violence? No. I can't hang. Must kill all parties involved. What say we stake the vamps and off Killer? Better for them all."

"No! Of course we can't!" Wesley patted Danielle's shoulder. "They'll be fine."

"Okay. Then can we *go*?"

"I'm with the vamp." Cordelia told Wesley. "You can get us out of here, can't you? You know the way home, huh, Wes?"

"Well, yes. We *are* almost home." He looked around. "I can get us home from here."

Danielle and Cordelia both bed bed one of Wesley's arms and moved forward. "Let's let them fight it out, Wes. I'm sleepy. *And* I wanna raid Angel's closet for another coat. One to go with my dress." Cordy told him with a smile.

Wesley laughed. "You know, I'm sure you could persuade Angel to *buy* you a leather coat."

"Yes. But stealing one from him would be more fun."

Danielle smiled as they walked away. "And, *you* can take your bedroom! You know, the one the Shiny Headed one wanted. Maybe I can persuade you to *share*." She gave Wesley a wink. "Promise not to steal covers *or* bite."

"Yuck! Stop! *Way* too much sex going on!" Cordy laughed as they continued on their way.

*************

". . .your business!" Xander finished.

"I'd say it was. You don't seem to know what you're doing! Spike is a merciless killer! A *demon*."

"And *what*? You just can't help but *fuck* merciless, killing, demons, Angel?"

Angel threw his hands in the air. "No! I *can't*! Not if they are *mine*, that is!"

"Well, *newsflash* Deadboy: He's *mine* now!"

Spike turned and watched as Wesley, Cordelia, and the bar-vamp walked away. Arm in arm. Happy. They *really* looked like they were having a good time. He wanted to go with them. But he couldn't. He had to stay and. . . and *what*? Xander knew that he and Angel had shagged. Xander was upset with *Angel* for fucking him, not with Spike for *getting* fucked. It was doubtful that Xander would start talking about Angel's so-called *lust* for him. And did he really want to stick around for a XANDER slash ANGEL showdown?

Okay. Well, sure. Maybe that *would* be fun. But he had all of this *stuff* to get back. *And* to go through, again.

Nope. He didn't want to stay. "Hey! Not a Watcher! Cordelia! Bar-vamp!"

"What?" Cordy snipped back.

"Wait up!" Spike ran after the threesome, towing his large bag of goodies. He threw his arm across Cordelia's shoulders. "Let' s just let those two fight over me. The rest of us can get some sleep."

"Shouldn't you be there to congratulate the winner, Shiny Headed One?"

Spike snickered. "Naw. I need time to come up with stories for all the possible out comes any way. *I'm* the winner, no matter what."

"How does that work out, Spike?" Wesley asked. "In your twisted mind, that is."

"Well, *some*one is gonna be mad enough to fuck me." He waggled his eyebrows at the other three. "Maybe they'll get *together* and fuck me! 'Cause I'm such a *bad* boy!"

Cordy snorted. "Okay. Yuck. Let us not speak of this again. And *especially* not if they *do* both fuck you!"

**************

"So why'd you do it, Angel?" Xander asked, as he dumped the empty shell from his gun and closed the chamber. "Why'd you fuck Spike?"

Angel stepped closer to Xander but stopped when Xander raised his gun and pointed it at him.

"That won't kill me you know."

"Yeah. I know, but call me childish along with slow, it'll *hurt* you, and I'll get a big ole kick outta *that*!" He cocked the ancient weapon, grinning at Angel. "So *why*? You *knew* we were together." So okay, sure. The *together* thing had started off as an act, but, *Angel* didn't know that and it pissed Xander off. First *Buffy* and now *Spike*. Did the great dark vampire have to fuck *every* one he wanted? His finger tightened on the trigger.

He reallyted ted to blast another whole in Angel.

"Xander." Angel began, nice and calm.

"*Why*?"

"Xander. Spike is a *demon*. The chip is one thing, but he's still a vampire . . ."

"Um, yeah. I *know* that. *I've* spent time with Spike lately, *you* haven't." Xander reminded him.

"No, I haven't. Not since he tried to *torture* me."

Xander laughed. "That is *not* something I'd *fault* him with, Deadboy!"

Angel threw up his hands. "Well *fine*. I *tried* to help you! *Tried* to talk some sense into you! I don't want Buffy to blame-"

"Ha! *Buffy*! This is about Buffy for you isn't it? You don't want *Buffy* upset with you if Spike kills me while we're here under your *protection*!"

"Of course I don't want Spike to kill you!"

Xander pointed at him. "*See*! Ha!"

"Buffy or *no* Buffy! I wouldn't want Spike to kill you! *Dammit* Xander! I *like* you! Can't I just *like* you?"

"Um. I donno. *Can* you just like me?"

Angel ran one hand through his hair and the other down his face. "Yes. I can. I can just like you. You're a funny guy, Xander. You have incredibly *bad* taste in vampire lovers, but you're still a nice guy. I never wanted to be your enemy. That was your call."

"That's cause you got the girl I wanted!"

Angel chuckled. "Well, I don't have her anymore."

"Yeah, well, you *fucked* my vampire! Let's not forget about that!"

Angel sighed. "*Can't* we? That was just a reaction to a hostile environment and the situation. Plus, Spike needed calming down. Not many things calm him down. Sex works. Sometimes, at least."

Xander began moving along the tunnel. "So, what? Are you saying my Spike ain't worth fucking without a *situation* being involved?"

Angel sighed. "No, I'm *not* saying that! Spike is-"

"Um, Angel? I was joking."

"Yes. I knew that."

"No you didn't."

"Yes I did. I was joking *too*!"

"No you weren't."

"*Yes* I was! I can tell a joke when I hear-"

"Angel? Your shoe is untied."

"Huh? Oh. *No* it's not!"

"See? You *can't* tell a joke."

"I take it all back. I *don't* like you, Xander. *Never* did."

Xander laughed. "I didn't *think* you did." Xander looked around the empty tunnel. "And just *where* did everyone go?

"Look's like they've left us."

"Yeah. Looks like. Let's go."

"Xander? Are we okay?"

Xander shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah. We're fine Angel. We've got the bowl and Spike and I will be able to go back home soon. He's figured out a way to turn me, despite the chip."

Angel kept quite as they walked for all of five seconds. "That was a joke, right? The turning comment?"

Xander kept walking.

"Xander? That *was* a joke right? You are *not* cra-"

"Joke."

"Oh. Okay. Just checking."

"Angel?"

"Yeah?"

"Next joke you don't get?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm gonna *shoot* you."

They reached the tunnel leading to Angel's warehouse. Angel paused to look at Xander. "All weapons must be surrendered at the door. Oh, and the bullet in my ass?"

"Yeah?"

"*You're* going to get it out."

"Yeah. *That's* going to happen." Xander snickered. "Hey! That was a *joke* wasn't it?"

Angel didn't speak as he made his way home.

"Angel? Deadboy? That *was* a joke, right? Funny haha? Angel? am *not* digging around in your ass! Angel?"

*****