Saying It With Flowers

Note: Sorry for the delay folks, I shall try to be faster.

Chapter 16

Xander

The door clicked shut ominously, and I stood silent and still, one hand still clutching the knob. Would William remember me the next time it opened? There was a soft thunk as my forehead connected with the painted wooden door, the muted noise echoing in the empty hall. I spread my free hand over the painted grain, letting the familiar touch of timber beneath my fingertips reassure me. Leaning into the wall, I let out a shuddering half breath, half snort at my ridiculous reluctance to let go of the doorknob. But it seemed so final an action.

*Be all right, William, please. Willow promised me, and she never breaks a promise. *

I pushed away from the door, trying unsuccessfully to shove down the wave of self-pity that came with the move. Letting go of the knob was easier if I didn’t think about it. I knew that sounded strange, but logic has never been my friend. Whatever force it was worked, my hand swung heavily by my side. I swivelled around until my back rested flush against the wall next to the door. My knees buckled under, like I didn’t have the will to keep standing, and I ended up on the hall floor. I bowed my head and pretty much contemplated the floorboards, not knowing what else I could do. Thoughts of William whirled around in my head, making my gut churn toward an episode of unmanly panic.

Murmured voices and Willow’s muffled laughter seeped through the closed door, and the churning eased. That was my Willow, she’d do everything she could to put William at ease. I rubbed a knuckle over the sudden welling of girly tears clouding my eyes. What was wrong with me? Annoyance surged through me, along with pain, as I threw my head back and hit the wall. Gingerly I rubbed the sore spot, resigned to the fear crawling up the back of my neck.

I felt abandoned, which was stupid, but there was this not-so-tiny, part of me that kept whispering.

* He’s gonna leave you, just like Jesse did. You don’t deserve to be happy. *

Shaking my head did nothing but aggravate my bump, and that nagging voice still whispered in the background.

*Stupid voice, what are you, karma? *

I put my hand down, surprised when I felt something brush my fingers. My inner voices were forgotten as I shifted sideways a little and stared down in surprise at the book poking out from under the door. How did that get there? I was sure I had left it on top of the bookcase in the apartment. I jumped as the book slid a little further out into the hall, chuckling when I saw the smiley face decorating the cover. Willow had drawn the little yellow face with flamey red hair and had added a magic wand clutched in its hand.

I picked up the book and ran my fingers over the title, The Secret Language Of Flowers. I turned the pages, running my finger down the index, finding the flowers I remembered William giving me. A smile tugged at the corners of my mouth as I checked out the meanings of some other flowers. I dog-eared a couple of pages, filing them away for later. So much time passed that I had read through most of the meanings in the book before the door opened.

“Xander.”

I scrambled to my feet, clutching the book between nerveless fingers, and turned to face her. Willow was leaning tiredly against the doorframe. I opened my arms and she came into them, falling back into old habits, tucking her face against my chest.

“Willow, are you okay? Is William…?”

The question hung awkwardly between us, and though she hesitated for a moment, Willow’s voice was sure.

“William is fine, Xander. He’s sleeping. He needs to rest now; it was very draining…on both of us.” The evidence was clear in the dark circles that stood out under Willow’s brilliant eyes, the way her face was drawn and tired, the way she leaned on me for more than comfort. I hugged her hard, knowing how she had a habit of giving more than she should. There were no half measures for my girl - with Willow it was all or nothing.

I brought the book up with my free hand, waggling it in front of her face.

“Thanks for the book. It helped, having something else to focus on.”

Willow grinned, a bit of her usual sparkle shining through the air of exhaustion hanging about her. “I thought it would. Flowers are something very special to William, and this should help you connect with him.”

“If he doesn’t remember me?” my stomach clenched.

Willow squeezed me tightly, reassuringly. “Don’t think that, Xan. He will remember, you have to be positive.” She trailed off into silence and I gave her a tight smile.

“So, what happens now?” I asked.

Her arms around my waist loosened to a comfortable level and she snuggled closer.

“We wait,” she said comfortingly.

We stood that way for a few minutes, letting our years of practise at comforting each other work their magic. Willow grinned up at me and moved quietly away. I followed her as she made her way into the darkened room. The light from the candles flickered fitfully over where William lay in the middle of what was left of Willow’s spell, a faint blue glow surrounding his head.

“What’s that light?” I reached out and gingerly ran my fingers through the shimmering glow.

“Its a healing spell, to let him rest. He needs this time to integrate his remaining memories.” Willow slapped my hand away, giving me that look, the one that made me want to push my hands in my pockets and behave.

“Oh, right.” My fingers itched to touch William, and while I ruthlessly controlled the urge to wake him I had to wonder about how comfortable he was. My butt was still numb from sitting on the cold floor in the hallway.

“Willow, does he have to stay on the floor? I mean, that can’t be very comfy. Can I move him?”

Willow’s hand was on my back, her fingers smoothing my shirt. “Yes, but you better let me do it.”

I did my best cowboy impersonation, tilting my invisible hat and saying, “Now then, little lady, don’t you think you should leave a job like this to us big strong menfolk.”

Willow arched an eyebrow at me enquiringly, her voice challenging.

“What, you think I can’t move him?” she rolled her eyes and gave me a less than subtle push. “Out of my way, buster.”

I stumbled back a step and watched astonished as Willow waved her hands in an intricate movement and William gently floated off the floor. Her smug look made me grin and shake my head.

“Okay, Yoda, float him on into my bedroom and we’ll get him settled there.”
My arm swept out in a mock bow and Willow flicked her wrist in the required direction, William floating where she indicated. When he was over the bed she motioned again, and he gently touched down on the comforter. The blue light was softer now, like it was wearing away, the glow barely lightening the darkness of the room.

“Thanks, Wills. Can I touch him now?” I loomed over the bed anxiously, relieved when Willow smiled and gave me a nod of approval.

Grabbing the blanket from the end of the bed, I spread it out over William’s sleeping form. I couldn’t resist running my fingers through his golden hair, brushing it out of his eyes. Willow fetched his glasses and placed them on the bedside table. I reluctantly stepped away from the bed, at a loss without something to do.

Willow came up close behind me and leant her cheek on my shoulder. “He should wake up soon; I’d say in an hour or so when the spell’s light completely disappears.”

“I’m crossing everything I have, fingers, toes. God, I hope it worked.”

She slid her arms around my waist and squeezed gently. My hands covered hers, grasping on to the fleeting sense of security.

“I hope so, too, honey.”

William

Images swirled, vague snatches of words whispering through the veil of half dreams, telling me things I thought I had forgotten. Faces, places, events of great importance to me, and ordinary everyday occurrences - each vied for places of their own in the chaos of my mind.

One by one they slotted into position, from the earliest of my memories to the ones of Willow’s spell. I watched as pieces of my life flickered by, the happy and the sad, the lows and the highs. The vast divide between my life in England and my life now became a hazy void. Bits and pieces of the mechanics of 20th century life were laid out for me to peruse. I saw and understood the progression of human endeavours from the horse and carriage era of my youth to man’s current reach for the stars. The present day was so much more satisfactory, and I felt more comfortable in the modern world than I did in my childhood memories.

Although there were people in this gap, figures of historical significance, people great and small, the scores of unnamed souls Spike had killed were now faceless entities, footnotes in some history text. Their piteous whimpers, tortured cries and vitreous curses were no longer directed at me. The emotional connection I had been suffering from had been lifted. The guilt that had overwhelmed me was gone. Without Spike’s personal perspective, I knew only that these unfortunate souls were victims that had died horribly at the hands of a fiend.

The ghastly things I had seen and felt were washed away, like a nightmare that fades with the morning’s light. It was truly as if everything I knew of Spike’s existence had been, well, not exactly erased, but mercifully removed somehow from my conscious and subconscious mind. More recent memories of conversations I had with Buffy and Alex gave evidence to Spike’s destructiveness within their immediate group. These memories still echoed.

#We…we…we….had relations!#

#Well if having relations is sex then…duh, we had sex, lots of it. What’s the matter, I’m pretty sure you enjoyed it.#

#William….I…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that#. She paused uncomfortably. #I didn’t have sex with you, I had it with Spike.#


Everything I had struggled with, the residue of his stay in my body, the stain of his presence in my mind, was so astonishingly vague now. What I knew of my unwilling relationship with Spike was similar to that of an earwig and plants. Earwigs are parasites that hide within the canes of plants by day and feed upon their foliage and flower buds at night. I felt relieved that this particular insect had been squashed.


#Your wedding, it should have been a joyous occasion.#

#What do you know about it, I thought you were William? Or are you just playing us again, like you did when Adam was around?#

#I..I…don’t know who this Adam is. I was merely trying to extend my sympathies to you for an unfortunate experience.#

#Well it wasn’t just an unfortunate experience, I left Anya at the altar….#

#You remembered something?#

#Oh God no….how…could I…he do that with…oh god.#

#What about Anya, what did you remember…that you fucked my ex fiancé on a table? Or that I just happened to have caught it all on tv? #

I realised on some level that these conversations were just window dressing. Meant to give me a semblance of balance, so that I would not go from the unknown woman in the alley, to a flash of green eyes full of menace and the night Alex and Buffy found me lying on the ground. It confused me to some extent but I accepted that I did not need to know the why of it. Time passed, my dreamlike state lightening. My eyelids fluttered open and I blinked away the last of my reminiscences.

“William?” Alex’s worried voice was close by, and I turned my head toward the welcome sound and opened my eyes.

Alex knelt beside the bed, his hand clutched mine with a hint of desperation. Worried brown eyes looked out from under a shock of unruly dark hair and I smiled, trying to relieve the tension. Willow appeared over Alex’s shoulder, and my smile moved up to encompass her as well.

“How do you feel, William?” she asked. “What do you remember?”

My eyes dropped back to Alex, his concern written clearly on his face. I untangled my hand and reached up to slide it around the nape of his neck. I tugged him down and he came willingly, our mouths meeting in the gentlest of kisses. I felt him tremble and I kissed him deeper, holding on just a second longer, never wanting to let him go. But I had to, letting my hand trail over his shoulder to his arm as he drew away.

“Dearest Alex,” I whispered to him before turning my attention to my healer. “I remember my life, and only my life. Thank you, Willow.”

Tears formed in Alex’s eyes, and he buried his face in my chest. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and nodded my thanks to Willow as she indicated that she would depart. Alex didn’t move until the door clicked shut behind her, and he raised his tear stained face to mine.

“I thought I had lost you like I lost Jessie, that you wouldn’t remember me at all.” A shudder racked him at the mere mention of that notion. I let my fingers card through the soft threads of his hair, letting him feel the firmness of my touch.

“Sweet one, how could I forget you? I love you,” I admitted freely, needing to say what must be said.

Alex’s mouth dropped open and fresh tears glimmered again in his expressive eyes. “You love me? Really? Me…. Xander? Alexander Lavelle Harris?” He looked so serious, so dear that a fond smile tugged at my lips and I pulled his face back to mine. Solemnly I intoned the words he needed to hear and that I needed to say.

“I, William Edward Browning, do really love you, Alexander Lavelle Harris.”

Barely had the words left my mouth when Alex took my lips in a passionate kiss. He moved up off the floor to lay with me on the bed with a swiftness that left me breathless, his body pressing into mine with fervour.

*Sweet merciful heaven*

The look he gave me as his lips roamed over mine was both commanding and pleading. I moaned deep in my chest, my mouth slipping open under his continued assault. Alex’s tongue slipped in, engaging mine in a duel, and winning. His hands struggled to remove the blanket between us, and I took advantage of his temporary distraction to slip my hands under the cool cotton shirt he wore.

Warm satin skin greeted my questing fingers. I stroked the planes of his back and sides, delighted to hear him moan in response. The obstruction between us was finally removed and he quickly moved between my legs, our still clothed bodies meeting in joyful abandon. My heart raced as he ground his erection into my own; my hands found his hips and curved possessively over his rounded backside, pulling him closer. His mouth moved away from mine to find the sensitive skin on my neck and ears. I could only pant in rapturous wonder as my body tightened, our movements becoming more frenzied by the minute.

“Oh God, Will, you’re so beautiful.” The honeyed voice was deep and husky with want. I had to look once more, to take in the beauty that was growing between us.

Alex pulled back and stared into my eyes, his own dark and laced with desire. I shuddered, feeling my body’s final race towards orgasm, bucking up strongly under him. Warm, wet ejaculate pulsed as I writhed and cried out in pleasure.

“Oh God, Aleeeexmmmmffph.”

My voice was cut off abruptly by Alex’s mouth as he swallowed my cries. Hard thrusts of his hips against mine until he groaned and shuddered into his own orgasm. The wetness seeped through my trousers, as he lay replete upon me. Our lips gentled and we exchanged soft, open-mouthed kisses as we lay together. Alex took a quaking breath and smiled ruefully at me.

“I, umm, guess we made a mess, huh?”

Shyly, I looked away. Heat blossomed on my cheeks, and I was afraid that I’d been wrong, been too brazen, but his fingers gripped my chin and led me back to his warm eyes.

“I’m not sorry, William. I need you. I think… I’m falling in love with you.” The admission made fresh tears well in my eyes, and I leaned over to kiss him softly, hearing his sigh whisper in my ear.

“Never forget me, William?” Worry laced the question.

“Never, my love.”

tbc