The Journal of Buffy Summers

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Previously: Buffy, Dawn and Willow meet with Spike, Connor and Clem at the La Brea Tar pits. They meet Spikes shape shifting friend Urais who is the brother to “Doc” and they are attacked by Doc’s minions. Doc reveals their brother Senias is sitting at the Circle of The Black Thorn. Urais and Doc shape shift into dragons and fight in the air. Urais rips out Doc’s heart and kills him. The Scoobies return to the Hyperion after their secret rendezvous is no longer a secret and may be attacked in the demon dimension Urais was going to take them to. Spike is told by Dawn how tormented Buffy was when he died and to not be so hard on her. Upon returning to the Hyperion, Spike and Buffy leave for Spike’s apartment where they will talk and work out their issues.

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Page 16 – Identity Crisis
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Journal Note: “Giles, this journal entry is going to reveal some personal information I have kept to myself. Don’t be angry with me for not telling you sooner, I just needed to tell Spike first. Of course, things never go the way I plan in telling him. No surprise there!

Take care of Dawn and Connor while I’m here with Spike, they are both very precious to us both. Do not let them know any more than they have to for the moment. I just want them to feel secure for a while longer. Judging from the sad look I saw in Connor’s eyes, that kid has been through enough.

Also keep close watch on Dawn around him - she is such a flirt when it comes to boys. I don’t want either of them to be left alone for too long a period of time. Dawn didn’t think I noticed the looks she was giving Connor but I don’t want any more complications from their mutual need for solace.

I’m hoping that whatever you discover from Wesley’s journal and book’s that it will reveal just who is behind the cyborgs. I’ll return as soon as Spike and I work through our issues, till then I am entrusting you with our charges.
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“So, all you want to do…” Buffy hissed pleasurably pausing mid sentence, “is just talk in bed?” A mischievous smile crossed her lips in between each tender kiss Spike was bestowing on her. Gasping out a soft moan, she closed her eyes drowning in the dreamy sensations Spike was eliciting from her. Of their own volition her arms wrapped around his neck as she idly played with his ear lobes with one hand and absently twirled the hair on the nape of his neck around her finger with the other.

“This is how I do my talking in bed,” Spike murmured not breaking his rhythm, Spike purred as he continued lavishing tender light kisses to her mouth meant to tease and titillate enjoying her reactions. It had seemed like an eternity passed since he last touched her. Her body seemed to hum and vibrate beneath his and he intended to partake in every exquisite response given to his stimuli. This was a bounty he had waited long enough to feast on and he was not going to devour it with the agog of a starved man.

“The language of love…” Buffy playfully groaned interrupting Spike’s musings. He smiled at her silly pun. She always seemed to accuse him of being too talkative but Buffy was very vocal when it came to intimacy and romance.

Winding his hands into her hair, Spike leisurely began to trail kisses from her mouth working a path down to her neck.

The air around them seemed charged with electricity emanating from their aroused bodies and Spike felt the familiar pull of his demon clamoring to feed on her ambrosial blood. Without thinking Spike pulled down the collar on her turtleneck and swiped his tongue against her neck tasting her. His ego swelled with male pride as he listened to the rising staccato of her pulse reacting to such an intimate gesture.

“Oh God Spike!” Buffy mewled moving her head to the side arching it to allow him further access.

Slowly opening his eyes, Spike gazed down on her neck expecting to see the familiar bite marks left behind by The Master, Angelus and Dracula marring her satiny skin.

Nothing! There were no scars impairing her flesh, all he saw was her pulse point throbbing beneath the surface.

Spike stiffened and morphed into his vampire visage and roughly pinned her body down into the bed with the weight of his own larger body. Fisting his hands in her hair, Spike bared his fangs and snarled into her startled face.

Hoarsely Spike growled. “You look like my Buffy,” he lowered his head down to her neck inhaling deeply. “You smell like my Buffy… but you don’t have the scars on your neck like my Buffy.”

Rising up and crouching over her, Spike lifted her up slightly by the shoulders with a punishing grip, digging his fingers into her flesh making her yell out in pain.

Enraged at the notion that she may be a cyborg supplant magically glamoured to look like his Buffy, Spike began to despair, worrying over the fate of his slayer, which rapidly disintegrated into hatred toward this impersonator before him.

Spike shook her violently making her teeth chatter from the severity of his manhandling. “Who the hell are you and what have you done with her!” Spike snarled, spraying her face with spittle.

Frightened, Buffy began shaking her head still dazed from the sudden change in events. Helplessly, she began sputtering denials to his accusations.

“Spike, stop….you’re hurting me. Please! Listen, it’s me Buffy!” Buffy whimpered hysterically. Fearfully she gazed into his angry golden eyes and shrunk back from the intense hatred she saw swimming in their depths.

Growling, Spike pushed her back onto the mattress with one hard shove and quickly flung himself off the bed as if scalded with holy water. He stood facing her a few feet away standing in a defensive posture.

Stunned, Buffy lay there as they gazed at each other. Time seemed to crawl by as Spike kept glaring at her apprehensively waiting for her to make a move.

Licking her dry lips, Buffy wiped her face of tears and spittle with her sleeve and ever so cautiously began to rise to a sitting position. Her eyes never left his as she raised her hand motioning for him to stay, sensing his body coiling to launch an attack on her.

“I’m Buffy…Spike. Let me explain about not having any scars on my neck…okay?”

Nodding slowly, Spike relaxed his stance slightly morphing back into his human visage.

Swallowing convulsively, Spike pleaded, “Please tell me she’s not dead…why do you look and smell like her?”

“I am her! I mean…I am Buffy!”

“Buffy has bite marks on her neck…you don’t!” Spike argued pointing an accusing finger at her. “I should drain you dry for impersonating her,” Spike growled licking his lips slowly. “Come to think of it, I am feeling rather peckish. I’ve hardly fed while in the dimension Urais took us to.”

Buffy’s eyes widened at the hungry look Spike was giving her and she bit her lower lip worrying it with her teeth. Spike’s threat gave her an idea on how to prove her identity to him.

Watching her, tilting his head off to the side, Spike longingly gazed at her as she mulled over her next move. This pretender even had Buffy’s mannerisms and nervous quirks. Watching this imposter made his heart clench wondering about his Buffy’s fate.

He began to pray to a God that would condemn a creature such as him, that she wasn’t dead. His eyes misted at the thought that perhaps she was a phantom haunting and tormenting him for letting her die by staying away from her.

This is my hell, he thought, to spend an eternity with this mockery of a thing. A macabre reminder of how I failed to protect her due to injured male pride.

“Tell me she’s not dead, that you are some cyborg sent here to take me to her,” he choked out.

“Spike look at me. How can you stand there and tell me that I’m a cyborg? How can you possibly doubt who I am?” Buffy pleaded.

She felt supremely stupid for not telling him sooner. She should have prepared him but things happened so fast that she had completely forgotten. He never should have found out like this, she mentally scolded herself.

Raking an appraising look over her entire body, Spike slowly closed the distance between them and sat next to her. Taking hold of her hand and gently raising it to his lips, he morphed into his vampire visage all the while never breaking his gaze from hers.

“Trust me?” Spiked asked his eyes beseeching her bewildered ones. He remained stilled waiting to hear her answer.

Smiling, knowing just what this meant to Spike before the chip removal. Buffy replied, “Implicitly.”

Pulling Buffy onto his lap, wrapping an arm around her waist to hold her in place, Spike brought her hand close to his mouth and turned it over palm facing up.

His golden eyes glistened as he locked eyes with her looking for any reservations about what he intended to do. “I am going to rake my fangs on your wrist to draw a trail of blood to taste Buffy or whoever you are,” Spike succinctly said.

Buffy knew that in tasting her blood, Spike wanted to satisfy his doubts that she was indeed who she claimed to be. Never breaking her gaze with his, she closed the distance to his mouth and pressed her wrist against his lips.

“Bite…drink…feed. The blood will tell you who I really am. It’s the only way to be sure,” Buffy confidently commanded.

Without hesitation, Spike gently sank his fangs into her wrist and began to feed. He took slow gentle pulls of her essence letting it wash down his throat letting it reveal all its secrets to his demon.

Buffy closed her eyes concentrating on projecting her memories and feelings out to him.

This intimate act was about connecting. To vampires it is all about the blood and the blood never lies. Buffy still remembered the visions she received when she tasted Dracula’s blood. This was the only way to satisfy Spike’s mind beyond the shadow of a doubt. Only after he had her blood flowing through his veins, would he accept any explanations from her.

From the moment Buffy’s blood entered his body, Spike felt connected to her. It felt like they were blending together, melting into one being. Mutually, they shuddered as he tightened his hold on her and she burrowed her body closer to his as the force of their spiritual connection slammed into them with the force of a tidal wave.

In the span of a few seconds they experienced a vortex of feelings that they felt toward each other. Anger, fear, admiration, longing, loss, remorse, regret and finally love. The sensations hit them so quick that they felt like they were falling into a bottomless abyss of emotions. All they had was each other to hold onto until they landed onto the present moment where Spike withdrew his fangs and changed back to his human guise.

“Oh luv, did I hurt you? Are you alright?” Spike cupped her face with his large hands and began peppering her face with relieved kisses.

Tears were pouring from her eyes, still dazed from their connection Buffy blinked to focus back to the present. Swallowing down a gulp, Buffy gave Spike a feeble smile. Her lips were quivering from the intense feelings she experienced and for the first time, she knew the depth of his love for her.

He stopped his fawning and gazed into her eyes and asked…“How.”

Knowing what he was asking, Buffy inhaled deeply. Preparing herself for his reaction on how the scars were no longer branding her flesh.

She attempted to stand up so that she wouldn’t feel his rejection but he tightened his embrace on her.

“I won’t push you away Buffy, just tell me,” Spike firmly stated.

Spike felt like his skin was constricting, shrinking around his bones. He was elated at the fact that Buffy no longer bore the mark of others on her neck. He could barely control his demon and was having a hard time suppressing it. It kept screaming at him to mark her as his mate, his possession, his territory at once!

The hairs on the back of his neck prickled because her behavior told him that he needed to keep his demon reigned in or risk pushing her away and losing her forever. He held himself rigid and waited patiently to hear her explanation.

“To tell you about the scars, I have to start at the point right after you died to show the state of mind I was in. I guess Dawn told you about my temporary madness after you died?” Buffy asked looking apprehensively at his tense face.

Spike silently nodded motioning for her to continue not wanting to interrupt her momentum. Past experience taught him to remain stoic when she expressed her feelings. No prodding…no pressuring. Just let her go at her own pace - like the time she confided in him that she thought she was in heaven.

“Did she tell you about my clay sculpturing?”

At Spike’s affirmative nod, she continued, “What I never told anyone was that as soon as I finished your bust…I would see it burst into flames and it would begin melting hideously. I had to put the fire out Spike….I had too! It would melt your face and I didn’t think I could re-capture your image again. Of course, it didn’t really catch on fire, but in my insanity it appeared like it had.”

Spike remembered his brief stint with insanity after getting his soul. He felt a pang for her and the hell she went through after his death.

“Sleeping was worse,” Buffy paused, swallowing convulsively. “I would have the same recurring nightmare every time I closed my eyes. It always starts with our last moments together on the hell mouth. We’re holding hands and even though our hands are on fire, I hold on tight. I didn’t want to let you go….only...” Buffy chokes and sobs, burrowing further into his embrace.

“Its okay luv, I’m right here, let it all out,” Spike soothed rocking her gently.

Looking up so that she could gauge the expressions on his face, Buffy sniffled and composed herself before starting again.

“You looked straight into my eyes Spike and…and…Oh God, it hurts to remember. You told me that I never trusted you enough to love you…even with your soul. You said that I let you die by choosing you over Angel to wear the amulet. Just so I could have Angel to myself with you out of the way!”

“You then started to burn and disintegrate – turning into ashes right before my eyes. Your last words echoing in my mind were (Great love is wild ... and passionate and dangerous. It burns and consumes) and then you were gone. All that was left were your ashes in the palm of my hand where we were holding hands!”

Spike held her tighter and gingerly kissed her forehead to comfort her, blinking back his own tears at the memory those words brought back.

“You died doubting my love Spike, and it haunted me. It practically drove me insane and made me want to die. I didn’t want to live in a world without you in it. You are the one Spike, to quote your words back to you (I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a man),” Buffy softly repeated from memory.

“Yeah, well poetry it’s not pet, but I meant every word of it,” Spike grinned and cupped her cheek tenderly.

“I mean it too, Spike. I…LOVE…YOU! And as corny and cliché as it may sound I mean every syllable,” Buffy exclaimed devoutly.

“Be sure Buffy. I’m not one to take such matters lightly. Even though I know you love me, I’m a jealous and possessive sod. If you don’t think that you can stomach a demon’s kind of love then walk away now. I’m not a man and I still have a bit of a monster in me. I’m still a vampire and to be with me, I’d have to mark you as my mate and there is no turning back after that….I won’t settle for anything less,” Spike forewarned - raising his scarred eyebrow.

Buffy opened her mouth to say something, but Spike touched her lips with a calloused finger and said, “First tell me how your scars were erased and then we talk about this further.”

Buffy became slack-jawed at his statement, but silently nodded her head in agreement. She licked her dry lips to pick up where she had left off.

“After I saw how Dawn and Giles were affected by my behavior, I decided to carry on with my life. I enrolled in classes and met Tim, or as you know him by his moniker *The Immortal*.”

Buffy felt Spike’s body tense but he remained quiet. Looking into his eyes, she saw them flash a golden color before returning to their beautiful blue. Boy he wasn’t kidding when he said he was the jealous and possessive type, Buffy thought.

Hedging a little, Buffy began to wring her hands nervously before continuing.

“He had them removed Spike,” Buffy quickly blurted out, flinching as she said that.

Spike immediately vamped out and snarled a low menacing growl before shaking his head and returning back to his human visage.

Sniffing in bravado, making his nostrils flare, Spike mumbled huskily, “Sorry pet, go on.”

Buffy wanted to giggle at his back pedaling but decided that would be seen as mocking and ridicule by him considering their past history. Concentrating on controlling her face, she cleared her throat and continued.

“When we became intimate…” Buffy paused when Spike emitted a guttural growl belying his composed exterior. He clenched and unclenched his jaw as he ground his teeth together. Nodding his head, he motioned for her to continue.

“Tim hated seeing Angel’s mark on my neck and he arranged for the removal of all the scars on my neck with his personal physician,” Buffy quickly said.

It galled Spike to no end to know that Buffy had agreed to such a procedure. It was The Immortal’s ultimate revenge against Angelus to erase his mark on Buffy. If Angelus had sensed his mark gone, he probably would have retaliated on a personal level against Buffy. That usually meant hurting his intended target through someone they cared about or loved and leaving them alive to regret their inactions.

“So how exactly did they erase your scars?” Spike asked beginning to suspect that magic’s were involved.

“I don’t know, I was anesthetized for the procedure,” Buffy replied looking puzzled at his questioning.

“Bloody hell, pet….they used magic to remove your scars. I know of no other soddin’ way to remove them!” Spike said in a clipped voice.

Buffy’s eyes widened, the thought of using magic to remove her scars never crossed her mind. “But wouldn’t surgery remove them?”

“Yes but it couldn’t remove the magic inside the bite to warn other demons of a vampire’s claim or victory mark left behind. I kept feeling something off about you and now I know why. I couldn’t sense Angelus’ claim on you anymore and if I’m not mistaken, Angelus already has paid you a visit and knows this!”

Buffy gasped, “That explains why he and Drusilla took Suzy.”

At Spike’s puzzled look, she explained, “Suzy Finn…Riley’s adopted daughter. She is the spitting image of me at the age of 12. Even Dawn picked up a certain familial feeling towards her.”

Spike immediately got an uneasy feeling in his gut and knew that Angelus must’ve picked up on Buffy or Dawn’s feelings.

“Great!” Spike exclaimed irritably, “Drusilla and Angelus together again, looking for new games to play.”

What Spike did not to verbalize to Buffy was that they probably did not intend on returning Suzy back to her. He doubted they would harm or turn the girl just yet - that would be too easy. No they would raise her to hate Buffy and Dawn and then use her to torment them before killing and turning her.

Worse, the niggling feeling he got on how Riley acquired custody a child that looked like Buffy filled him with a deep sense of foreboding. He just hoped that his hunches were wrong for his girl’s sake.

Buffy interrupted his inner musings when she began to tremble from holding back the torrent of tears threatening to spill from her eyes.

“Oh pet, don’t worry, Spike’s gotcha, we’ll get her back all safe and sound…you’ll see,” Spike soothed.

“We’re the Scooby super hero’s and we never let the bad guys win,” Spike purred causing Buffy to snort out laughing in between her tears. He deliberately took on the tone of his persona `Randy Giles – Noble Vampire’ from the time they experienced group amnesia from one of Willow’s botched spells.

“I know that The Immortal has a grudge against Angelus but why would he remove all of your bite scars?” Spike asked. It didn’t make sense to remove the bite marks from The Master or Dracula, unless the ponce had intended more than just revenge…..he wanted to possess Buffy.

“At the time I was so lost Spike, I only agreed after he assured me that it was only meant to help me start a new beginning in life without any reminders from my past.” Buffy innocently replied.

“I had totally forgotten about the magic’s involved with the bites…Spike. I swear it was only meant to begin again. I had no idea that he had other motives besides his concern for my own welfare!” Buffy’s voice started to sound shrill with nervousness at the incredulous look Spike was giving her.

“But that was not the real reason was it?” Spike questioned, his body wound tight like a coil ready to spring. His demon was raging in protest to his girl being sanctified for the likes of that wanker. It wanted to rip and tear and shred to pieces that puffed out ponce for touching her with his sullied hands.

“No,” Buffy hedged squirming on his lap.

“Out with the rest pet,” Spike prodded.

“This is hard for me Spike. I’m scared that you will not want me anymore when you find out who he really is…you’ll think that I’m beneath you!”

“Never” Spike swore and meant it. He lovingly rubbed his knuckles against her wet cheek and then pressing a gentle kiss to her heated forehead.

“No secrets…not this time `round pet. If we are to make a go of things, there has to be trust between us,” Spike firmly stated.

Trust, there was that word again and Buffy knew he would know if she was lying. The stupid vampire instinctively always knew when she was not being totally forthcoming with the truth. Nodding her head in agreement, she swallowed hard and drew in a deep breath.

“I broke up with him to come here to search for you and Angel. He followed me and proposed marriage,” Buffy shakily stated fearing his pushing her away in disgust.

Spike gulped unable to ask the question as to what her answer was to the proposal. It was as if he didn’t ask then it wouldn’t become real to him. Had he just found her only to lose her? Swallowing hard, Spike managed to even out his voice before speaking.

“So are congratulations in order then?”

“Oh God no…Spike! I could never love him. Even if you weren’t back, I would never consider marriage with him! The only reason I even dated him was because he closely looked like you…honest!”

“What else?”

She should have known better to hold back, he could pick up on the slightest nuances in her pulse and breathing and he knew that she had not told him everything.

“He’s a senior partner at Wolfram and Hart and is a fallen angel. He has to power of seduction and I am not sure but he may have used that power on me to convince me to go through with the scar removing procedure.”

Spike fought hard to subdue his demon and it took all of his willpower to keep from lashing out at Buffy in anger. He kept reminding himself that she was a victim here but how he longed to get his hands on that ponce and beat him into a sticky paste.

Pulling her tight against his body, Spike kissed Buffy with a kiss that sent her senses reeling from its possessiveness. It was meant to proclaim her as his and no one else’s.

Spike quickly picked Buffy up and headed for his bathroom. A good soak was in order to relax his girl and he wanted to familiarize himself anew with her delectable body. For the first time he was glad the lackluster place came with a huge claw-foot tub that was a relic of times gone past. More than likely it would have been too much trouble to hoist it out of his place and it was left there for lack of manpower to move it.

Spike felt charged with a fiery mixture of happiness that his girl no longer bore the mark of others while at the same time outraged that she had allowed that ponce to prepare her body to become his mate. Worse, he took advantage of his girl when she was most vulnerable and that thought rankled him to no end.


TBC…


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