What Was I Thinking!?!
Chapter 16
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Echoing Buffy’s words from
last night, if he had only one wish, Spike would wish that the next two months
would sail by. It would be June and they would be starting their life together.
But here he was back at UCLA
instead. He pulled the Desoto into a parking space outside his dorm. After
grabbing his bag from the back seat, he sighed before heading in. This was
reality. Not the few days he spent on a ranch with a girl named Buffy. It felt
like a dream and he couldn’t wait to get to a phone to call her. Hearing her
voice would settle this mood he was fast falling into. He started across the
lobby when someone called him. It was his student advisor.
“Hey, Lorne,” Spike
answered.
“You got some stuff
delivered while you were gone,” Lorne said, waving him over to the utility
closet. “Don’t think you want it but it’s my duty to give o yoo you.”
An uneasy feeling settled in
the pit of his stomach. He waited until a large box was handed to him. It was
filled with stuffed animals, candy and boxes that looked like clothes would be
wrapped in. They were all from Drusilla. He shoved the box back into Lorne’s
arms.
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“Throw them away, give them
away,” Spike said. “You’re right I don’t want them.”
“Cupcake, you need to deal
with her,” Lorne said. “She’s not going to give up on you. I’ve even heard a
few rumors that the two of you are engaged.”
“Shit,” Spike said. He ran a
hand through his hair. “What the hell am I going to do?”
“My advice is to go and talk
to one of the counselors,” Lorne said, tossing the box back into the closet. He
locked it back up. “Start getting it on record that she’s harassing you. And
I’d get a neutral third party to witness you telling her in a calm,
non-threatening way that you don’t want to see her anymore.”
It sounded like good advice
to him. He thanked Lorne and headed upstairs to his room. First thing Monday
morning he’d start asking for help. Nothing was going to mess up his
relationship with Buffy if he could do anything about it even if it meant
asking for help. From the McDonald’s he was learning that needing help didn’t
necessarily mean you were weak.
The answering machine was
blinking when he entered the dorm room. He hit the button as he opened his bag
onto the bed. Drusilla’s voice filled the room. She was telling him that she
wanted to see him. The next asked where he had disappeared to and by the end
she was screaming about him not getting away from her. They were destined by
the stars e toe together.
Spike unplugged the machine
and put it on his desk to take with him to the counselor tomorrow. Maybe he
should keep the gifts to as evidence of her obsession with him. This wasn’t
what he wanted to deal with. In a fit of anger he threw his bag across the room
and plopped on the bed. He tried to call Buffy bhe whe wasn’t at the
McDonald’s. She was at her parents’ house packing up her stuff.
It just wasn’t turning out
to be a good day. He wanted to pack his stuff up and head back to Buffy, but he
knew it wasn’t the smart thing. He decided it sucked to be a grown up. Pulling
a pillow over his head, he rolled over and tried to go to sleep.
The phone started to ring
and ring. It had to be Drusilla. Finally he unplugged the phone. Silence was
finally his. He fell asleep, dreaming about Buffy, and making love to her over
and over again.
Two whole days without Spike
and the loneliness was killing Buffy. She was trying to be happy but felt numb
all over. But every day was marked offher her calendar and a new number was
posted for the next day. She woulll tll through somehow. Then they would be
together.
Lindsey was leaving this
morning. Angel was going to drive him and Cordelia was going along for the
ride. She would spend most of the day alone and covering Cordelia’s chores. It
would keep her busy though and soon it would be night and time for her to mark
on her calendar.
Buffy heard Lindsey running
down the stairs and quickly tied a bow on the package she was sending to Spike.
In it were a few pictures of her, one that Cordelia took of the two of them, a
long letter and some cookies Mrs. McDonald baked. Buffy wasn’t that great in
the kitchen but it would show she thought of him.
“Hey, Buffy, are you going
to say good-bye to me or what?” Lindsey called from outside.
“I’m coming,” Buffy
hollered. “Hold oo:p>o:p>
She grabbed the box and
hurried outside. Harmony was leaning on Angel’s car with her hand on Lindsey’s
arm.
“Hi, Buffy,” Harmony said.
“Hey, what are you doing
here?”
“I’m going to ride down to
LA so I can spend the last few hours I can with Lindsey.”
Buffy looked around at her
friends. They were all going to
she was here working her ass off. A part of her wanted to throw a tantrum and
demand to be able to go along. The wariness on her friends’ faces showed they
expected her to do it. The air was fraught with tension.
Before she met Spike, she
would have thrown that fit without a doubt. Not now. Now, it was time for her
to show the McDonald’s the respect that came with her agreement to their rules.
It didn’t mean she liked it or even that she was going to see them off with a
happy smile. It meant that she would accept it with as good grace as she could.
“Would you give this to
Spike when you see him?” Buffy asked Lindsey as she handed him the package.
It was hard but she hugged
her friend and kissed his cheek.
“Take care of yourself and
I’ll talk to you soon,” Buffy said.
“You take care of yourself,”
Lindsey said, pulling her tighter. “It’s going to be okay, you know.”
“I do.”
Stepping back, Buffy waved
to her other friends then turned and ran before the tears started to fall. It
was tearing her heart out that she couldn’t be with her friends, that she
couldn’t see Spike, and that she was alone. Nothing seemed fair right now. She
hurried to the barn. It wasn’t on her list of chores for the day but it would
use up her emotions to clean out the stalls.
Buffy grabbed a shovel and
started on the first one. It wasn’t the hardest job on the ranch but it was
certainly one of the ickiest as far as she was concerned. It didn’t take long
for her to start sweating in the warm spring day. She didn’t slow down for that
or the ache in her lower back from slinging the shovel.
“You know you don’t have to
do this,” Mr. McDonald said, coming up to lean on the stall entrance.
“I know I want to,” Buffy
said. She only glanced up at him before resuming the job.
“We didn’t put those
restrictions on you to hurt you.”
“I know that, too,” Buffy
said. “It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt though.”
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“I know,” Mr. McDonald said
with a smile. “It’ll make both of you stronger.”
Buffy straightened up and
leaned on the shovel. She pushed her hair off her face with her forearm.
Platitudes were shit as far as she was concerned. They were nothing more than
pretty packages of lies. Maybe it would make them stronger. But was it really
what was best for them?
“Will it, Mr. McDonald? Will
we be stronger or will it raise so many doubts that we’ll be torn apart? Or is
that what everyone is hoping? All I want is to be with Spike and I don’t really
care how hard it would be.”
“Seems to me it doesn’t
matter if you’re together or apart, Buffy, it’s all going to be hard.”
“At least I’d have him.”
Mr. McDonald stepped closer
to her and cupped her face. “You have him. That boy loves you with everything
he has. He feels responsible for you and I don’t doubt there’s anything he
wouldn’t do for you. Now, do him a favor
and make it a little easier on him. Let him get through this year of school.
Let yourself graduate so you can help support your family later on with a good
job instead of a shitty one. A lot of people don’t even get the chance that you
two have so be grateful for it.”
It felt like a balloon
deflating. All her tumultuous self-pity vanished with Mr. McDonald’s
affirmation of the love between her and Spike. She just had to keep believing
in Spike and herself. They were stronger than any separation could be. For the
first time that morning she smiled. A few more strokes of her pen and they
would be together again.
His day was bad. Since
leaving Buffy they all seemed to be bad. Not only was he lonely but everywhere
he went Drusilla seemed to be right behind him. He really didn’t understand
her. She didn’t want to be exclusive with him when they were together so why
was she so insistent on being with him? He tried ignoring her. It didn’t work.
He tried avoiding her but still she was there. Monday couldn’t come fast enough
so he could report her to the college and get some help in dealing with her.
The only bright spot in his
day so far was that Lindsey was back. At least there would be someone to hang
out with, and to help keep him distracted from the dismal track his mind seemed
to be stuck in. Seeing everyone was good but it only made him feel like a fifth
wheel and he knew that Buffy had to have been heartbroken not to be able to tag
along.
Spike wondered if they would
ever have normal. Already they were past dating and he was planning on putting
down roots with the girl. The future was going to be hard but he was confident
they could make it. Having someone to hold was more important than money or
education to him.
“Hey, come on,” Lindsey
said, banging on the bathroom door. “You’re taking longer than any girl I
know.”
“Ah, the grand total of
one,” Spike said, opening the door with only a towel around his waist. “You
didn’t tell me that we’d be going out.” He grabbed a pair of jeans and stepped
back into the bathroom.
“Like I’d wanna be around
your funked up ass,” Lindsey said. “You needed to clean up anyway.”
“My ass smells quite nice,”
Spike said, returning to the main part of their dorm room. “Like Irish Spring.”
“Okay, guys, TMI,” Cordelia
said, waving her hand. “I don’t want to know these details.”
They all laughed as Spike
pulled on a t-shirt and slipped on shoes. Before their friends returned home,
they’d decided to go out for dinner. There was still Sunday between them and
school. It was their last night of freedom and they wanted to have some fun.
Spike was going to remain at the dorm but the others had talked him into going
with them. Maybe it was what he needed.
A local pizza hangout was
their destination. They all piled into Angel’s car with Lindsey and Harmony
taking the backseat. Spike wasn’t sure of where their relationship was going
but it seemed they couldn’t take their hands or lips off of each other. He
stared out the window with his chin propped on his hand. He didn’t want to see
someone else happy with the one they cared about. Cordelia’s hand was nestled
in Angel’s.
Angel pulled the car into a
parking place and Spike waved everyone inside, telling them he’d be along in a
minute. He pulled his cell phone out and dialed the number for the ranch house.
“Hello,” Buffy answered.
“Hello, pet.”
“Spike, it’s so…hi, how are
you?”
Spike sighed and leaned back
against the car. His heart was begging her not to play games with him. Don’t
let it all have been an illusion.
“I’ve missed you,” Spike
said.
“Oh, I’ve missed you, too,”
Buffy said.
The screen door slammed as
she exited the kitchen. He could see her in his mind’s eye as she settled on
the swing that hung at one end of the porch.
“Scared me there for a
minute,” Spike said. “Thought you were going to play hard to get.”
“I’m sorry,” Buffy said. He
could hear the weariness in her voice. “I’m trying to hold on but you’re gone
and sometimes I’m afraid it wasn’t real. I’m all confusy girl without you to
hold me.”
“Me, too, Luv, me too.”
“At least we have that much
in common,” Buffy said.
“Much more,” Spike said. “I
needed to hear your voice. We went out for dinner and I was missing you more
than I can say.”
“Did you get my present?”
“Yeah, but I want to open it
when I’m talking to you. It’s back at the dorm.”
“Oh, you out?”
“Yeah, Frank’s Pizzeria,”
Spike said. “Let me call you when I get home and we’ll still have twenty
minutes.”
“I love you, too, Buffy,
with all my heart.”
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