Choices

Chapter Sixteen (a)

Buffy sat on the steps and just stared at the black night long after he had gone. She felt so dumb. She wished she could take back what she did. It was wrong. If there was one thing Spike hated above all else it was using magic on him. Her fear of Angel finding out had driven her to it though.

Why was she so scared of telling him? She had a life to lead, as did Spike and as did Angel. It wasn't fair to hold herself back because she was afraid of--what, exactly? She was afraid Angel would leave her. God, that was so selfish of her! She made herself sick. She was afraid of Angel leaving so she was willing to lie and hide away in secret and hide Spike away at the same time. What if Spike got sick of it and left? Then her other fear would come to pass and she'd be feeling the same way she felt right now.

Remorseful. Afraid. Anxious.

Spike had every right to be angry with her. He felt that she didn't care...that she didn't loim. im. And she did. Her actions tonight however didn't exactly speak of that. His words came back to haunt her--'your precious Angel'. If the tables were turned, then she'd be hearing 'your precious Spike'. Why? Why was she so afraid to tell Angel? What was stopping her? Angel wouldn't really leave her...would he? He promised he'd never leave. Promises could be broken though. Not by Angel or Spike though...they always came through on every promise they ever made her. So, why couldn't she just come out and tell Angel--hey, Spike and I are in love and we're making a go of it. Angel was a compassionate man, he would understand.

Wouldn't he?

Or, he'd tell her that she could do much better than Spike. He would also tell her that she shouldn?t be with a vampire, she should find a nice, normal human. Tried that, Angel. Seems my nature calls to Spike's nature.

Maybe she should have tried harder. She just let her feelings for Spike overtake her with a few of his pretty words. Pretty words that her heart had ached and longed for, and she didn't even know how much until he had said them.

He truly was a beautiful vampire, her Spike. Strong, intelligent, funny, brave, a hero, her champion. He was sexy and sweet, loving and nurturing. He was perfect. So then what the hell was the problem? Was she using Angel as an excuse for not jumping in with both feet? She had to do something or Spike would leave her and she wouldn't be able to bear that. She knew he'd never truly leave her, but...he could decide this roller coaster wasn't worth his time anymore. That would be devastating. She needed him, craved him, loved him.

Taking a deep breath, Buffy stood finally, her limbs falling asleep. She knew just what to do. She strolled into the apartment with a purpose and found her sketch pad that she'd hidden in her room after returning from the gallery that night. She opened it and immediately found the sketch she'd been working on.

It was Spike, sleeping. He didn't even know she'd been working on it. She had come into his room the day before to ask him a question and found him still in bed. He was breathtaking. She had gone for her sketchpad immediately needing to capture her champion on paper to have him with her forever. Before he had awoken she had retreated to her room and studied it, filling in what she had memorized of her exquisite vampire. She haen gen going to eventually submit it to her professor, but it was something she coveted so dearly to her heart because it was Spike, that she wasn' sur sure. Now, she knew she couldn't. She had to share with Spike how she saw him, how she loved him.

Taking out her sketch, she ripped another piece of paper and began to write:

Spike--

I walked in on you yesterday as you slept. And to me, you are a gorgeous man, a beautiful creature. Everything that you are speaks to me. You are everything to me and I love you wholly. You are not my dark, you are my light, for you are the hero that saves me each night so that I am able to greet the sun every morning. I am humbled by the love you give so thoughtlessly. You are my hero and I promise to show you every day how much you mean to me. Please forgive me for my stupidity tonight. I love you---
Always yours,
Buffy


Placing it on his pillow, she crept back to her room to wait for him.