Was It Always Like This?

Chapter 14

Buffy awoke the next morning to find Willow sitting at her dressing table staring into the mirror. “Morning” she mumbled as she rolled over to check the bedside clock. “Hey it’s almost ten, why didn’t you wake me?” she asked as she ran her hands through her hair and stifled another yawn.

Willow seemed to be working in slow motion as she turned round and looked at Buffy. “Hey sleepy head, I thought you were never going to wake up”

Buffy scrunched her eyes up and stared back at Willow. “Did Dawn get to school OK?”

“I guess so” Willow shrugged and returned to looking in the mirror. “I heard Giles and her talking earlier and I kinda assumed he would remember the drill”

Buffy got up and put her hand on her friend’s shoulder. “Will are you OK, has something happened?”

“Not really” Willow sighed and shrugged again. “Do I look any different to you?” she asked as she continued to stare.

Buffy moved to look at her friend’s reflection in the mirror before gently pulling her shoulders round to look straight into her face. “Did you try a glamour spell and it’s gone kablooey?” she asked, concerned, and tried to make out any perceptible difference in her face. When she didn’t get any response she gently shook her shoulders. “Willow, you’re starting to freak me out, what’s wrong?”

The sudden movement and the hint of panic in Buffy’s voice seemed to bring the rational part of Willow’s mbackback to the fore. “Nothing really, or actually, everything really” she paused. “Perhaps it would be better if you sat down and just listened to what I have to say?” Willow suggested.

Buffy nodded and then started shaking her head. “Give me two minutes, I’ll be right back” she smiled and headed at speed for the bathroom. “Okey, dokey” she tried to lighten the mood a little as she came back into the room. She had had a little time to waken properly and knew that with anything really serious, Willow would have involved Giles by now. “Total listening gal on duty” she said as she sat on the edge of her bed.

Willow nodded and started to pace nervously. She started to speak twice before changing her mind and pacing in the other direction. Eventually, just as Buffy was about to start shaking her again, she sat back down on the chair and took a deep breath. “OK, I don’t know how to tell you this and it will probably ruin our friendship but I think the best way is just to tell you straight out, would that be OK with you?” she smiled as if she felt a little better now that she had started.

Buffy looked completely bewildered and didn’t even try to follow the logic. “Whatever is easiest for you Will, but I think if our friendship is still going strong it is pretty indestructible, so hurry up and spit it out”

Willow seemed to consider her friend’s answer before giving an almost imperceptible nod. “The thing is” she started slowly. “I think I have feelings for Giles and I think it’s kind of been happening for a while, probably even before I tried to end the world, but the whole ‘being in love with Tara’ thing sort of threw me.” She settled back into the chair as she got into her rhythm. “Every time I felt fuzzy feelings I just assumed they were all for Tara and, obviously most of them were, her being my girlfriend and me being very much in love with her and everything.” She stopped for a breath and was relieved to note that Buffy didn’t try to interrupt. “Anyway it turns out that I’m still getting the fuzzies and they’re not all for Tara anymore, although I still get Tara fuzzies, they seem to be Giles fuzzies now and so” she seemed to be nearing the end and Buffy had turned into some kind of statue. “What I want to know is how can I be kinda straight again and why don’t I look any different?” she ended in a whisper and finally looked up to see what Buffy’s reaction was.

“Giles” was all her friend said. Then she started to shake her head. “No” she seemed to be having an argument inside her head and was vocalising the highlights. “Nope, not going to happen” After several moments of slowly more definite shakes Buffy finally seemed to realise that Willow had stopped talking and was staring at her. “Willow” she said quietly and took a deep breath. “Let me get this straight” she winced as her friend flinched from her use of the word. “You and Giles are an item?”

“No” Willow mumbled. “Over the last few days I’ve been feeling kind of funny when he’s around but I just assumed I was excited to have him visiting. Yesterday when the woman at the home was all over him I kind of flipped and I couldn’t understand why” she looked up to see Buffy still sitting, in shock, on the end of her bed. “Last night, after you went out on patrol we sort of chatted about his knowing you were, well..” she ground to a halt and could feel the blush starting in her neck. Buffy closed her eyes and took a deep breath before signalling her friend to continue. “Anyway, he was a bit down and seemed to think you would be pretty mad with him and you would go back to being watcher and slayer instead of friends”

Buffy shook her head. “So it’s my fault you’ve got the hots for him?” she asked a little incredulously.

Willow vigorously shook her head and seemed frustrated that she wasn’t explaining this very well. “No, of course not” she mumbled. “He seemed to think we all thought of him as some kind of uber dad and then we had a disagreement over how I felt about him and then I’m telling him exactly how I feel about him and then we were just kind of standing really close and he was kissing my hand and then..”

“He kissed you” Buffy asked, and a part of her mind was impressed thhe whe was still able to form sentences at this stage.

“I was trying to apologise to him for letting my crush get out of hand and making him feel uncomfortable when he started to kiss my hand and made it quite plain that it wasn’t necessarily one sided” Willow took another deep breath and met Buffy’s eyes. “Do you hate me?” she asked simply.

Buffy was still processing the kissing information and took a second or two to tune into Willow’s question. “Of course I don’t hate you” she said and finally moved from her seat to kneel in front of Willow. “I just need a second or two to get used to this, that’s all”

Willow nodded and smiled a little. “You need some time?” she asked sarcastically. “How do you think I feel?”

“How do you feel” Buffy asked and cocked her head to one side. “I mean is this just the high school crush rearing it’s head again?”

Willow took a moment to think about her answer. “I’ve loved him as a close friend for years now, and the schoolgirl crush kind of went away when Oz came on the scene” she admitted with a smile. “It’s just recently that I’ve realised how much he means to me and I know some of the feelings are residual guilt from the Magic Box. But I think some of the other stuff feels an awful lot like” Willow paused, as if finally putting this into words in front of Buffy would be an irrevocable step.

“Love?” Buffy supplied, slightly less freaked out but still disbelieving.

Willow nodded and sighed. “This all came kind of crashing into my head late last night and it all feels new and old in a weird kind of way. But I swear, if he hadn’t suggested we stop to think about what we were doing, I would have done more than kiss his hand”

Buffy couldn’t stifle the grin that was finally coming through. “Willow” she shouted and then realised who they were talking about “Eeeuuww, please no details” she begged as she returned to the bed to lie on it facing her friend. “What about him not being a her?” she asked.

“Oh yes” Willow nodded and rolled her eyes. “As if falling in love with Giles wasn’t weird enough I now have no idea if I am gay or not. Surely you can’t just switch this on and off?”

Buffy shrugged and rested her chin on her hands, thinking for a moment or two. “Perhaps you don’t need to define it, you’re just who yoe”
e”

Willow took a minute to think about this and then motioned for Buffy to move over in the bed. They both leaned against the headboard and stared at their toes. “The biggest problem is that I’m in love with two people and not that one of them is male and one’s female” Willow admitted.

“Tara” Buffy guessed and shook her head when Willow started to get a little teary. “I think she would want you to be happy with whoever you choose”

“It was her biggest fear and I can’t help thinking I’ve let her down by choosing a man” Willow decided to off load some of her guilt. “The day that Glory got to her we had argued and Tara had walked out, she accused me of trying out the gay thing as a fad and she was afraid that some day I would realise it was all a big mistake and leave her”

Buffy felt herself choking up and took a shaky breath before putting her hand on Willow’s arm. “But you brought her back from the hell she was in and you were both happy again, she wouldn’t have wanted you to avoid the chance of happiness for the rest of your life just to prove a point”

They sat in silence for a minute or two, each of them deep in thought over the conversation. “So do you hate me?” Willow asked again.

“Will” Buffy sighed. “I don’t hate you but this is going to take a while to sort through in my head because I didn’tr thr think of Giles as possible boyfriend material for anyone and I’m not sure I can adjust to it now” she admitted.

Willow sighed. “I know, I remember how mad you were when you found Olivia at his place, but I jkindkind of assumed that some of that was jealousy”

Buffy turned to stare at her. “How could you think that?” ask asked, stuck somewhere between shock and indignation. “Giles and I were never” she struggled to find a word to describe what they had never been to each other. “He is way older than me and getting better with the clothing issue, but still. And he has the whole, staying in with a book being a good night, thing going on” she ground to a halt as she saw Willow string ing not to grin. “You thought Giles and I were together types?” she pinned Willow with a fierce glare.

Willow shook her head and struggled to wipe the grin off her face. “It’s just that he is older than me and I think he looks kind of cute in his suits and I always loved the tweed and the book thing?” she raised her eyebrows and shrugged. “And no, I don’t think you and Giles were ever smoochie buddies but I did wonder if you would ever be happy if he found someone else to share his life, to spend time with and concentrate on and” she paused to look at the raised eyebrow of her friend. “Now you see this started out as me needing your help and advice and I’m guessing that I’m losing some of the sympathy at this stage”

Buffy shook her head. “I admit that finding Olivia was a bit of a shock but it happened at a really difficult time for me and he ended up leaving me anyway, even without a significant other to blur the loyalties” Buffy ended sadly.

Willow seemed to think about this for a while and fly sly stood up at the side of the bed. “So we are OK about this?” she asked and waited for Buffy to look up.

“I think I can handle my best friend having a new honey but I’m not sure I’m ready to deal with Giles being the honey in quon” on” she admitted. “Can we just leave it at that for now?” she asked and checked the clock again. “If we don’t go down soon he’s going to wonder what’s going on” Buffy stood as well and started to pull clothing from her closet. “How did you leave it with him last night?” she asked over her shoulder.

“We said we would think about what we were doing and talk about it this morning” Willow admitted glumly. “But I have no idea what I’m going to say to him”

Buffy dragged her towards the bathroom. “Get in the shower and think fast, I’ll go and see if the coffee is on, I think you’re allowed caffeine today”

Giles looked up to see Buffy descending the stairs. He must have looked a little disappointed because Buffy shook her head and headed for the kitchen. He followed her and watched as she pulled the coffee maker over and started to fill it. “Is she OK?” he asked and saw her tense a little. “Buffy I’m sorry that this is goin com complicate things but I need to know if Willow is OK this morning, if she despises me I can be packed and gone in half an hour”

Buffy turned and looked at him. “Don’t leave” she said quietly and took a glass of juice through to the living room. He followed her, nervous of her apparent lack of emotion.

“I’m sure you think my behaviour is completely inappropriate and I would understand if you wanted to take me outside and thrash me” he seemed to sink further into his misery as he wasn’t getting any reaction from her. “Please say something?” he finally gave in and begged her.

“Willow will be down in a few minutes and she is a little confused but I don’t think she’d want me to beat up on a potential boyfriend just yet” Buffy took a sip of juice before pointing at him. “However, don’t think a good thrashing isn’t going to come your way if you ever hurt her”

Giles kept his head bowed and took a couple of deep breaths. “I’m sorry Buffy, I never meant for this to happen”

“This is just a new thing for you then?” she asked.

He lifted his head in one sharp movement and met her questioning gaze. “No, the feelings are not new and it’s not just a flash in the pan infatuation” he admitted. “What I meant was that I had become very proficient at hiding my feelings towards Willow and I didn’t think I would ever get the chance to admit them to anyone, least of all her”

Buffy continued to stare at him and was trying to pictuim aim as Willow and others obviously saw him. She remembered Faith’s first reaction to him and how Jenny and Olivia had looked at him. She shook her head and ran her hand through her hair. “I just don’t get it” she finally mumbled and caught his questioning look. “I mean, you’re Giles and I admit that we aren’t school kids any more and you’re not the librarian any more but this is just a step too far for me right now.” She stood and headed for the stairs “I’m going to takeong ong hot shower, I’ll be upstairs for the rest of the morning”

Giles nodded and returned to pacing in front of the fireplace. He knew that Buffy was probably going to be harder to win over than Willow. It was just as he was trying to figure out a way to explain things to her that he suddenly stopped dead and put his hands over his eyes. “Xander” hed and and groaned out loud.

“I would expect you to be groaning like that only if I’m on your mind, not Xander” Willow said quietly as she stood at the bottom of the stairs.

“Willow, ah, I didn’t see, or hear or see you there” he stumbled and looked at her. “You look lovely, are you feeling OK?” he asked and watched as she stood a little dumbfounded at the bottom of the stairs.

“You may want to schedule a little homework on the flattery thing” she shook her head and turned towards the kitchen. “Did Buffy put the coffee on?” she asked and sighed when she saw the pot on the worktop. “Would you like a little of the hard stuff, I didn’t sleep very well last night and I think this might be just what I need.” Willow was quite proud of the adult thing she was pulling off, perhaps the drama course she had taken to fill up her timetable wasn’t a total loss after all. Her stomach was doing back flips and the only thing keeping her in one piece was the way that Giles was obviously struggling just as much as her. She inhaled deeply over her coffee and closed her eyes to savour the aroma. “Are you OK?” she asked quietly as she pulled a stool to the counter and sipped the hot coffee. He was standing at the kitchen sink, his arms crossed over his chest and an anguished look on his face. She shook her head. “Look, I’m prepared to forget last night ever happened if that’s what you want but it would be best for our continued friendship if we thi this ofr chr chests and communicated with each other”

He seemed to think on this for a moment before nodding his agreement and pouring himself a coffee. “I can forget last night as well, if that’s what you want but I would prefer to remember it as the first step on a journey we should take together”

Willow exhaled loudly and finally allowed herself to smile a little. “I was hoping you would say that” she announced. “Look this is going to be weird for everyone but I think it’s worth us taking the and and seeing where it goes”

He took his glasses off and cleaned them before looking back at her. “I need you to know that I have had these feelings for you for a year or more now and it’s not some sort of reaction to our closeness this summer” he began and raised his hand to stop her interruption. “I am also painfully aware of all of the barriers to this being anywhere near a good idea, many of them I would agree with myself. However, there is a large part of me that doesn’t care about any of that and is prepared to put up with anything that fate can throw at us to make this work.”

Willow nodded and took another sip of her coffee. “I’ll see your barriers and raise you a few you haven’t even thought of but I wouldn’t be sitting with you now if I didn’t think we had a chance to make each other happy”

He put his hand out to tohershers and took a deep breath. “Let’s go for a walk, I always think better when I’m moving”

“OK, I’ll just go and let Buffy know what we’re doing” she smiled at him and took her coffee upstairs with her. “Buffy” she hissed through the bathroom door only for it to open with a rush of steam a few seconds later.

Buffy pulled her into the room and finished wrapping her hair in a towel. “Is everything alright, do I need to kick his butt?” she asked and Willow could see that she was serious.

“No, we are going to go for a long walk and try to talk this through so I don’t really know, but he seems to think that last night was not a forgettable situation” she smiled a little and handed Buffy the coffee mug. “You look as if you could use this about now” she suggested and headed towards the bedroom to collect her jacket.

Giles had both hands stuffed in his jacket pockets and was waiting on the front porch when she came back downstairs. He reached for her jacket and held it for her to put on, his finger lightly brushing against heck ack as he straightened her collar. He closed his eyes and tried to slow his racing heartbeat before looking down at her amused face as she stared at him.

“Perhaps we should keep the possible touching situations to a minimum if you are determined to take this outside?” she suggested. “I don’t know about you but I’m getting fairly buzzed already and we’re not even off of the property yet.”

“I’m sorry” he smiled. “Actually I’m not, but I agree to behave myself for the rest of the day until we sort this out” he stuffed his hands back in his jacket pockets and deliberately took two steps away from her.

She shook her head and pulled the door closed behind her. “Let’s head for the centre of town, I have a feeling that another coffee will be required before much longer”

They walked in silence for a few minutes, trying to clear their heads and hoping the other one would begin.

“Do you think I’m a dirty old man?” he asked finally, determined to just get the question out into the open and deal with whatever resulted.

“Do I look like the kind of girl who is attracted to dirty old men?” she asked him in return, trying to keep her tone light but a little annoyed at his question.

“Up until eleven last night my best guess would have been that you were attracted to dirty old women”coulcouldn’t stop the words, even as they passed his lips he knew that it was probably the stupidest thing he had ever said. However, part of his mind was to to hear the answer.

Willow winced and felt her anger building within her. “That’s not fair” she blurted out. “I can’t explain how this has happened, I don’t have any control over my heart and I don’t think it cares about gender or preferences”

“That’s convenient” he muttered under his breath and was even more aware of a small voice inside his head screaming for him to shut up.

“Giles, I already offered to end this but you said we needed to talk” she stopped walking and waited for him to turn to look at her. “Do I really need to show you my 100% hetero certificate before you will even talk to me?”

“I just need to know that this isn’t a reaction to any of what we’ve been through over the past few months” he finally admitted. “You can’t deny that you were in a long term, loving rionsionship with a woman less than a year ago and that we have been in close proximity even more recently than that” He realisedt he had had raised his voice and tried to rein in his emotions. “It would be perfectly reasonable for you to still be feeling guilty about what happened and also responsible for my future well-being as a penance for your attack”

Willow could feel her temper spiralling dangerously and consciously tried to dampen it. “Of course I feel guilt, we’ve ed aed about it, but do you really think so little of me that you imagine I would offer my heart, body and soul to someone just to assuage the guilt, as a peace offering?” She was really starting to lose it now and could feel tears pricking her eyes. “I can’t help the fact that I’m seriously attracted to you on a physical, emotional and intellectual level. It’s as much of a surprise to me that you have the wrong chromosome balance, and it is obviously something you can’t deal with so I’ll be at Xander’s if Buffy needs to see me before youve” ve” she turned and started walking back towards the house.

He watched her receding figure as she bypassed the house and continued walking, her shoulders hunched and obviously sobbing. “What the hell was that?” he asked himself out loud and threw his hands in the air. “Oh bloody hell” he burst out as he started to run after her. “Willow?” he shouted and was painfully aware of several neighbours watching his progress. “Willow please slow down” he puffed a little and remembered that he hadn’t trained with anybody in a while and certainly hadn’t chased a woman in even longer.

She had turned to watch him as he pounded up to her and tried to catch his breath. “I’m sorry” he panted. “I don’t know what came over me” he leaned his hands on his thighs and bent over a little.

“Terminal stupidity?” she suggested and turned to walk away again, wiping her eyes with her sleeve.

“Oh god, please don’t cry” he begged and caught up with her in a couple of strides, handing her his handkerchief. “I can’t stand it when you cry”

Willow blew her nose noisily and stuffed the handkerchief in her pocket. “Do you really think you are a charity case and I’m desperate enough to atone for my actions that I would cast aside everything that Tara meant to me to put it out for you?” she surprised herself with the venom in the question. He shook his head and tried to get the conversation back under control but she was determined to have her say. “I may be oblivious girl about most guy things but I’m fairly sure that you weren’t acting last night so why are you deliberately killing this before it has a chance?”

He didn’t answer her directly but took a deep breath and tried to explain the root of his uneasiness. “I always knew that losing one of you would be the hardest thing I would ever have to endure and I thought that Buffy’s death would finish me” he took another deep breao gao gather himself. “However, when the coven contacted me about their concerns and I checked into them I could tell it was Tara immediately. I was shocked and more scared than I have ever been in my life because I knew the depth of feelings you had for each other and I knew you would destroy yourself before you would forgive yourself”

Willow had a haunted look on her face. “I tried to destroy the world, not just myself. And it didn’t work, I’ll never be able to forgive myself”

“I know that you will blame yourself for the rest of your life but I need you to understand that it is possible to be happy again without destroying everything you had with Tara” he took his glasses off and put them in his pocket. “I’m sorry about what I said earlier but I’m a little confused about this turn of events as well. I’ve loved you for a long time with the certainty that you would never reciprocate and never know of my feelings” he ran his hands through his hair in exasperation. “I got so used to the feelings of unrequited love that I just assumed they would be with me for the rest of my life as I watched you grow older with your girlfriend” he sighed. “When you offered me an outlet for my feelings last night I jumped at the chance without thinking things through and I’m just trying to make sure that you are sure before we take this any further”

She didn’t answer him, but she didn’t walk away again either so he took this as a sign that he was having some success. “Willow I don’t want to make this any harder for you, all I can say is that I love you and want you and will abide by whatever decision you make on the outcome of today”

“You want me?” she asked with a scowl on her face. “What I can’t understand is how I can have erotic dreams about my girlfriend and still wake up wanting to kiss you” her voice cracked a little. “I don’t have any answers here Giles but I need to work through my feelings and I admit to being selfish enough in hoping that you would help me with that” she turned to meet his eyes. “I’m really sorry but I don’t think I have the energy to persuade you that my feelings are valid when I can’t even persuade myself” She turned and walked back towards the house, this time opening the front door and disappearing inside.

He waited for a few moments before turning and continuing towards the centre of town.

Buffy heard the door open and peeked over the bannister to see a disconsolate Willow trudging into the living room. She heard the sobbing start before she could throw on some sweats and run downstairs. For several minutes she held Willow in her arms, murmuring soothing sounds to try and slow the tears. Eventually Willow was only sniffling a little and Buffy pulled back, keeping her hands on her shoulders. “What happened?” she asked softly and watched her friend gather herself before moving to sit next to her on the sofa.

“We talked in the kitchen earlier and he said he wanted to explore what we had both admitted to” she began and hiccuped a final sob. “We started walking and he asked if I thought he was a dirty old man and then suggested I would normally go for dirty old women and then he said some more horrible things and now I don’t know what I want and I don’t know where he went and this was a terrible idea and we should just all forget it ever happened” she started to sob again.

“Number one” Buffy said as she stroked Willow’s hair “He’d better have brought his painkillers with him cause I am going to kick his butt up and down town for saying that to you” she lifted Willow’s chin to meet her eyes. “Number two, you are a good person and you deserve some happiness, even if you do have terrible taste in men” she smiled at her friend and was rewarded with a watery smile back. “Number three, you need to sort out what you want before you talk to him again. He works better when there are rules and guidelines to follow”

Willow nodded and used his handkerchief to wipe her eyes before taking a deep breath. “OK” she tried to sound positive. “I need to get a pen and some paper and start dealing with this methodically” she nodded.

Buffy seemed a little surprised but headed for the dining room to find the materials. She turned round to find Willow standing behind her and handed her the notebook and pen. “Do you need anything else?” she asked.

Willow nodded. “I think we both need another mug of coffee each and then we will work this out properly”

Buffy brought the coffee back to find Willow sitting at the table, drawing a line down the middle of the page. “Left side are ‘fors’ and right side are ‘againsts’” she explained as Buffy curled up in a chair next to her.

They both sat looking at each other for a few moments before Buffy held up her hand. “He is really smart” she smiled and Willow nodded eagerly and put this under the left hand heading. “But he was also really stupid this morning” Buffy suggested a little warily and Willow chewed the end of the pen for a moment before writing in the right hand column. Buffy leaned across and looked over her shoulder “Emotionally retarded?” she read and looked upWillWillow in surprise.

“My list, my words” Willow said succinctly and then wrote another item in the ‘fors’. “His singing voice is a definite plus” she sighed.

“I’ll take your word for it” Buffy was still a little put out that she had never heard him singing. “What about his dress sense?” she asked and left it to Willow to decide which column that was going under.

They continued for another half hour, filling the page and relieving some of the tension with occasional jokes.

Willow was just about to give up when she suddenly blushed a little and then wrote something in quite small writing at the bottom of the page.

“What does it say?” Buffy asked and was surprised when Willow made to close the notebook. “Hey, slayer reflexes Will, don’t make me take it from you.” Willow looked a little embarrassed before accepting the inevitable and handing the book to her friend. Buffy read the entry and started to laugh. “How could I have forgotten that, I trained with him often enough”

Willow was lost for words for a few seconds before grabbing the book back. “Let’s just pretend that you never noticed his cute butt and then we can move to the next stage?” she suggested.

Buffy waved her hand in agreement and moved to refill both of their coffee mugs. “So what is the next stage?” she asked from the kitchen.

“I just need to decide if there are enough important things in one column to overcome the other one” she suggested, a little unsure. “Also, I should probably place a call to the coven and leave a message for Morag to call me back” she looked towards Buffy. “Is it OK to make an international call?”

Buffy nodded but put her hand on Willow’s arm before she moved from the table. “Why the coven, they don’t deal in wacky love spells or anything?”

Willow shook her head and smiled wryly. “Nothing like that, it just occurred to me that Morag had hinted about us being more than friends a couple of times and I need to talk to her to find out what she saw between us”

Buffy nodded. “You guys always had a weird chemistry thing going on but Xander and I guessed it was the fumes from all of those old books”

Giles walked without paying attention to where he was going until he ended up at the Espresso Pump. He hesitated for a moment before heading inside and sitting at the counter. “Hey Rupert” a middle aged man smiled at him. “Usual?” he asked and held up a large mug.

“Please” Giles nodded and looked around to see if there were any changes. He spotted the notice board and the flyer advertising open mic night and smiled to himself. “Thanks Peter” he said as he put a large mug of herbal tea in front of him. “Keeping busy?” he asked, keen to get his brain off topic for a while.

“About the same, are you back for good this time?” Peter asked and pulled a chair up next to Giles. “Wuld uld sure use you next Tuesday, the usual guy called off last week and it got pretty ugly when the ladies didn’t get their cute singing guy fix”

Giles smiled and shook his head. “It’s only a flying visit, I might have to leave tomorrow” he shrugged. “Anything new with you?” he tried to keep the conversation going, keen to engage in a conversation where there wasn’t any chance of making the other person cry.

Peter shrugged as well. “This may be the weirdest town I’ve ever set up in but people here certainly love their caffiene” He gestured at the dozen or so patrons. “Even this early in the day we’re usually more than half full and I can’t remember the last time we had any seats available after seven”

“You should expand, get bigger premises” Giles suggested. “I seem to remember that retail rental was reasonably cheap”

Peter laughed a little. “Yeah, but I‘m happy keeping to what I’ve got, it costs less to repair every time it gets trashed”

Giles nodded “I know what you mean” he agreed with feeling and suddenly knew where he wanted to spend the next few hours. “Listen Peter, it was really nice seeing you again, next time I'm in town I’ll bring my guitar” he shook the young man’s hand and headed towards the Magic Box.

Anya looked up with all the keen-nef anf an upcoming retail manager and even managed to keep her disappointment to a reasonable level when she realised that he was unlikely to be a paying customer. “If you’ve come to check the books I took them home last night and haven’t brought them back yet” she lied.

He shook his head and trudged towards one of the bookshelves, glancing disinterestedly at the titles. When he reached the end of the row he looked up and found her staring at him with some concern. “No, I’m not checking up on you I just needed to see the place again” he shrugged and continued on his tour of the premises.

“Is there anything you specifically needed to see?” she asked and followed a few paces behind him.

“Anya” he said without looking at her. “I’m not a shoplifter, you don’t need to supervise me”

She shrugged and returned to organising a display on the counter. After a few minutes her curiosity got the better of her. “Did you fall out with Buffy?” she asked.

“What?” he mumbled as he skimmed through a thick book. “Of course not” he finally looked up at her and replaced his glasses. “Do I really need a reason to be in my own shop?” he asked and gently replaced the book to its position on the shelf.

“Our shop” she automatically corrected. “Of course not, I just assumed that your schedule had been filled with activities and I didn’t expect you to have much free time”

He sighed and sat down at the large reading table. “Things are just a bit complicated and I decided to give everyone some breathing space before I returned” he admitted in his own mind that he may only be returning to pack for the last time.

“What did you do to get chased out of the house?” she asked with a little smile. “And don’t try to pretend that it wasn’t your fault, I’m an expert in men’s frailties remember”

“It was really nothing and Willow was just a little upset and anyway, I don’t want to discuss it” he mumbled and took his glasses off to clean them.

Anya recognised the delaying tactic and moved to the door of the shop to turn the closed sign to the window. She locked the door and sighed at her own folly in feeling a need to help him, perhaps the human feelings were finally gaining domination over her demon self interest. She sat down opposite him and watched him go through his ritual. “Remember the rabbits I conjured during that awful memory wipe spell that Willow did?” she asked quietly and he looked up at her with confusion on his face. “I just kept making things worse and worse and you finally lost your temper” she smiled a little to let him know that she was OK to talk about it. “As well as the breaking up I also remember the making up part of that very strange day” her voice had dropped to barely a whisper.

“Anya” he started and seemed to change his mind before continuing. “I do indeed remember everything of that day and some of it is even quite pleasant”

“I never told anyone what happened, not even Xander” she watched her finger as she drew circles on the surface of the table. “I also never told anyone about thinking you were dead at the end of the battle with Willow”

He took a deep breath, uncomfortable to be reminded of the day and also of Willow. “Why?” he asked, he knew that she needed to share this with him.

“You didn’t let me finish” she sighed. “I didn’t tell anyone until Willow came back after her visit to the coven and then I told her that I thought she had killed you”

“You had no right to tell her” he raised his voice a little. “Willow and I were trying to deal with the situation in our own way and your interference may have…”

She met his angry gaze with one of her own and saw him sit back a little as she interrupted him. “My ‘interference’ was simply telling Willow the truth and she needed to know that she isn’t the only one who loved you” her anger abated a little. “Perhaps I gave her a little jolt towards finally admitting her feelings about you, because you were all so busy tiptoeing around her that she was too scared to let her emotions go again”

“What do you mean?” he asked, completely bewildered. “What do you know of Willow’s feelings towards me?”

“Do you seriously think that an 1100 year old vengeance demon doesn’t pick up the ability to read body language?” she sneered at him. “Or that I haven’t been around women who say they want to disembowel their husbands with the same breath as renewing their vows of undying love”

He was staring at her. “But Willow” he started before she interrupted him again.

“But Willow nothing” she stood up and started to pace a little. “She is just another girl who is madly in love with someone without having the slightest inkling. And when it does finally seep through her mushy brain cells then she has to cry and sob and agonise over and over again instead of just telling the person concerned and getting on with the sex”

The final word of her tirade finally jolted him out of shock. “Anya” he pleaded with her. “Willow and I are going through a very traumatic situation” He stood up to try and assert his fragile authority.

She moved to stand in front of him, poking him in the chest with her index finger. “Why is it traumatic?” she asked and could see the confusion on his face. “You love her, she loves you” she let him stew on that for a few moments as she walked to the counter to lift one of the small boxes from the display. “Do we need to read the cards?” she asked sarcastically as she threw the pack of tarot cards at him.

“But she isn’t sure” he began and was completely confused as to why he was discussing this with Anya, of all people. “I don’t want to rush her into this if it isn’t what’s right for her”

“Rush her into it!” Anya shouted and threw her hands up in the air. “You have been hanging around her like a love sick puppy for years and I’ve seen the way she looks at you when she thinks nobody can see her”

He was about to argue with her when she pushed him back a step or two and he sat down abruptly on a chair.

“You’re worried about the gay thing” she said matter of factly. “Why do people have to be one or the other?” she turned away from him and started counting on her fingers. “I could tell you of several dozen very happy women who have tried both and been perfectly happy with either. It’s about the person not the label” she paused for a moment or two. “In fact I can remember quite a few women who were happiest when they were with both at once” her eyes had a far away look.

He raised his hands as if to defend himself. “Enough” he tried to sound commanding but his head was still reeling from the lecture he had been given. After a few moments, during which she was thankfully silent, he raised his head from his hands and looked at her. “So you’re telling me that I’m being a bloody fool to let her fret about this and we should just get on with it?” he paraphrased.

“I think I was a little more eloquent, but that about sums it up” she nodded. “I still have ‘issues’ with Willow and our history isn’t going to go away any time soon, but I have some unfathomable need to see you happy and I think she might be able to help you with that” she seemed a little embarrassed.

They sat in silence for a few moments, each trying to work out how the conversation had gotten so personal so quickly. Finally he stood up and lifted her hand, pulling her towards him. He put his arms round her and gave her a hug, his hands gently rubbing her back. “I suspect you have just given me some very sensible, life changing advice” he mumbled into her hair. “And I doubt that I will ever be able to pay you back, irrespective of whether the outcome is successful or not”

She breathed in the scent of him and remembered the last time they were so close. “You still own 51% of the shop” she suggested and heard him start to laugh. She could feel the rumble in his chest and held onto him a little tighter, unwilling to end the contact so soon.