Who I am...

The wolf was growling, a feral, insane growl that over the course of a few hours Faith had grown accustomed to. It was a werewolf growl, and as much as it made her inner Slayer want to get violent with the thing, the wolf was in there behind the bars, and she was out here, bored and dancing around a bit as she tried to listen to a few tunes. It wasn’t all bad, even if her mind occasionally wandered toward where Buffy probably was, out there, doing the job both of them should be taking care of. The tap on her shoulder startled her, she hadn’t even noticed anyone approaching, and without thought Faith spun and backhanded whoever had crept up on her. Damn wolf better not’ve gotten out again or she was going to put him to sleep the hard way…

“Oh!” Faith’s eyes widened as Buffy exclaimed just a bit and stumbled back into the card catalogue, steadying herself and working her jaw carefully.

“Oh! Gah, Buffy! Are you okay?” Faith flicked her headphones off, eyes widening and approaching a step, torn between laughter at the girl’s expression, and concern at having hit her. Oddly enough, there was no input from her jewelry-formed conscience. “What’re you doing here?”

“Ugh, bleeding internally, apparently… but I’ll live.” She worked her jaw again, holding it tenderly and raising her eyebrows at Faith. She glanced at the still working CD player, the sounds of Nine Inch Nails still pouring from the headphones, and Faith belatedly turned it off completely. “Guess you didn’t hear me. I… uh… came to give you the rest of the night off.”

“Get out of jail free, huh? How come?” Faith looked at her casually, noting the twig and leaf from the woods still in the girl’s hair. Buffy looked spooked.

“Couldn’t sleep.” Buffy shrugged, and carefully took off her jacket, settling the smaller tranq gun on the table and glancing away. “I thought I’d… um… cram for my French test.”

Faith held back a snort. For someone who’d kept her Slaying a secret from her mom for so long, Buffy was a terrible liar. Maybe it was just that the girl looked like she’d seen a ghost. Letting out a breath, Faith stretched and turned toward the door, tossing the keys to the cage behind her at Buffy as she did so. “Cool. I was going kinda crazy in here, but this way I can get a few stakings in before sunrise. You’re okay on your own here?” She paused just barely at the doors, wondering if she really wanted Buffy to confide in her. The part that was reaching to the girl and had taken minor comfort in the blonde Slayer over the deal with Kakistos, was waiting impatiently for Buffy to just come clean… and the other half of Faith wanted the blonde to keep her drama to herself.

“Sure… five-by-five.” Buffy claimed distantly, and there was the sound of the keys being set on the table. “Knock yourself out, but, you know, not literally.”

“Sure thing B.” Faith grumbled, letting out her sigh only after the doors had closed. Looking at the small windows in the doors, Faith debated between sticking around to spy, or just going out. The small tingle running up her spine decided it, and she turned to go take out some pent up energy and frustration out on lingering vamps. Buffy wasn’t going to tell her anything, and would just get jumpy from her being around, so fuck being nosy, she didn’t have the damned patience tonight.

It was early morning when Giles returned to the library, steaming mug in hand, with the sun’s early rays streaming through several of the windows. He glanced briefly into the cage, confirming that Oz was asleep and in the form of a teenage-boy, before taking the nearby keys and unlocking the gate. Spread over the table were a few piles of books, cards from his card catalogue ranging as well, often used as book markers, and a few lying forgotten on the floor. Slumped in a chair slept Buffy, one of the books still gently gripped in her hands. He approached quietly, bending a bit to pick up one of the books, and Buffy awoke softly, eyes staring up at him.

“M… morning…” She yawned, sitting forward a bit, and her eyes widened as she saw the books still splayed over the table, in obvious sight, one in his hand. “Um…”

“Mystery of Acathla?” He raised his eyebrows at her, settling it atop one of the piles. In her hands another caught his attention. “Exploring Demon Demensions….”

“I… er…. Heh…” Her eyes darted around, and Buffy hastily set the book on the table, not even bothering to mark where she’d fallen asleep reading. “That is to say… Er… What would you say if, um, I told you I had a dream? About Angel. And it, um, brought up some questions…”

“I’d say it was to be expected.” He smiled softly to her, lifting his mug to his lips, and speaking once more before sipping. “Must’ve been some dream. I was unaware that you even knew what a card index is for.”

Buffy blushed slightly, attempting to straighten the stacks of books and not looking him in the eye as she clarified a little. “I dreamt he came back.”

“Also understandable and to be expected. After Jenny was killed, I had dreams,” he paused and sipped again, “that she was still alive. That I had saved her.”

Buffy paused again, hearing him pull back a chair and sit with her. “I… I don’t know. It was so vivid. Almost… Slayer-dream vivid. I… three-dimensional, surround sound, hills are alive…” She stopped abruptly as she realized that she’d used Jenny’s metaphor.

Buffy could see him take off his glasses and consider them for a moment. When he finally spoke, it was careful, quiet, and she ached to hear his voice like that. He was the closest thing she had to a father, with her own so scarce. “Do you believe it was a prophesy?”

“I don’t know.” Her own voice was quiet, and she swallowed hard. “I… it just brought up some doubts, some questions. Is it… is it even possible?”

“Well, there’s no record of anyone returning from a demon dimension once the… erm… gate was closed. I- I can’t imagine how it could happen… or why.” He looked at her, settling his glasses back on his face. Her expression prompted him further. “If… if he could, if he did… I can’t say what he’d be like. From what is known about that dimension, it- it would suggest a world of brutal torment. And time moves quite differently there, so…”

“I remember.” Buffy didn’t grin, not relishing in her own brief foray into the underworld. “So he would’ve been down there for hundreds of years.” Giles could only nod. “Of torture.”

“It would take someone of extraordinary… will and character to survive that and, uh, retain any semblance of self.” Giles swallowed hard, looking at her sadly. “Most likely, he’d be… be a monster.”

Buffy didn’t say out loud that it wouldn’t be the same monster that Giles remembered, that was cruel, and she didn’t know if it was true. Angel had been feral, wild, when he woke back up, chained to the wall in the mansion. But there’d been nothing in his behavior to tell her if, behind that wild, angry, almost frightened, behavior was Angel or Angelus. Could the centuries of torture have robbed him of a soul too? “So… a lost cause.”

Giles took a breath and swallowed hard again. “Maybe. Maybe not. In my experience, there are two types of… erm… monster. The first can, erm, be redeemed, or more importantly: wants to be redeemed.” Buffy looked at him again, eyes sad. “The, erm, second type is… um… void of humanity. It cannot respond to reason… or love.”

Did that mean that Angel couldn’t be redeemed? He was completely wild, couldn’t even understand reason, much less respond to it. But that fear, the whimpering that she’d heard when he’d finally curled away from her, giving in to being shackled, did that mean that, somewhere under there was someone that did understand something other than pain and torture? The door to the library opened and Willow breezed in suddenly, making Buffy and Giles spin to stare at her.

“Hey. I thought Faith was on wolf-duty.” Her voice sounded so chipper as to almost be hyper, and her eyes kept darting around the room. Buffy noticed that though her hands shook a little, she managed not to crush the doughnut box in her grip.

“Oh. Um, change of plans.” Buffy smiled just as nervously, standing to move closer to Willow.

“Glazed or cake? It’s fun to watch them make them.” Willow gestured idly with the box, letting Buffy take it from her as they both headed for the table that Giles had just vacated with the stack of books in his hands. “They use this spritzy thing, and then they drop the batter into this…”

Buffy settled a hand on her friend’s shoulder, raising her eyebrows. “Couldn’t sleep?”

“I’ve been at Mr. Doughnut since the T.V. did that fuzzy snow thing.” Willow caught Buffy’s eyes, and the blonde could see the worry and panic in them. The sound of the gate closing announced Oz joining them from the book cage. “Jelly doughnut?”

Oz looked at the box that Willow was gesturing, where Buffy had set it down. He also noticed the last few books that Giles was collecting from the table and putting away for the blonde. “Everything alright?”

Buffy looked between them, then at Willow. Much as she’d like her best friend’s opinion and shoulder over what she’d encountered the last night, Willow had her own man-problems to deal with right now, potentially as dangerous. “Yeah. Uh, so what happened with the inspection of the body?”

“There was fainting.” Willow joked, though her voice sounded strangled, and she picked up the box to offer around at the other three again, Giles now watching her as well. “Anyone? They’re yummy-delicious!”

“Willow, come on…” Buffy frowned, getting a bad feeling. Oz sat, watching as well, the same feeling of doom in the pit of his own stomach. “Was it a werewolf?” Willow only sat the box down again, not looking eager to explain. “Was it a vampire? Come on Wills, the cops say mauled or wild beast for every death out there they can’t explain.”

“It… it was inconclusive.” Willow grumbled, sitting heavily next to Oz.

“H… How could it not be conclusive? Was he bit? What did it look like?” Buffy had the sudden fear that it was Angel instead. She’d found him in those same woods, he was out of control. Her heart sped up, and as Giles made a calming noise, indicating to let Willow finish, Buffy glanced at the redhead and her musician boyfriend, who looked even more unresponsive than usual. “Sorry…”

“Let her finish.” Giles indicated again, gesturing for Willow to continue her halting explanation and report.

~

Buffy hadn’t even managed to stomach any lunch, even the Jello that Scott had claimed wasn’t nutritionally sound enough. Pushing through the heavy drapes blocking off the direct sunlight, Buffy strode softly into the mansion. Angel still crouched, shackled to the wall, whimpering and pulling as far away from her and the ambient sunlight she had briefly let in. It wouldn’t have even reached him. She stopped, watching him carefully, and found no indication he even noticed her. Slowly, she approached, lifting a hand and reaching carefully for the tattoo.

“Angel?” Her voice is soft, caring, if slightly afraid. She almost didn’t want to know what his reaction would be, and the lack of one so far wasn’t helping her confidence. Slowly, she approached a bit further, gently brushing his shoulder with her hand… and had to jump back quickly as he spun and lashed out at her, roaring. As she sat, still on the floor where she’d stumbled out of reach, he glared, growling deeply at her, before turning back to his whimpering.

~

Faith clutched tightly at the pendant around her neck. She’d come to the school near lunchtime in hopes of some kind of news. She didn’t like the tension that had been rolling off of Buffy’s little group of friends, and the blonde hadn’t been doing well either. It was putting Faith on edge, and she’d woken early enough to hopefully at least catch a bit of information before school let out. When she’d seen Buffy rushing from the campus, however, she’d debated only a moment before following the other Slayer. Either it would mean a good slay that she could help out with… or the half-fear, half-hope that the necklace was real, that woman-her had been real, would be confirmed… maybe. Now, she leaned against the side entrance of a mansion, just outside of the draperies, part-way to a heart attack. The necklace was practically pulsating, though it didn’t have that heavy, burning weight it sometimes got when she was close to screwing up.

Angel. That… the vampire… the vampire boyfriend that had been in hell, was back. It… it was all true. Taking a deep breath, she peeked in again, attempting to calm her heart, to forget briefly that it meant she was walking a fine edge between remaining who she was, and turning into a murdering, bad-guy. Buffy was on her ass on the ground, staring at the mostly naked vampire she had chained there, near tears. Faith couldn’t really blame the girl, though it wouldn’t have been her reaction. It didn’t look like there was much of Angel to rejoice over. Gulping in another deep breath, she strode in, throwing caution to the wind and hoping she wasn’t about to get slugged.

“It’ll be okay B.” Her voice was soft, and she stayed out of swinging range as she moved toward the blonde Slayer. Buffy whipped around to stare at her, then at the hand offered to help her up. “It looks bad, yeah. Fuck, it looks like shit… but it’ll be okay.”

“Faith… I…” Panic, sorrow, and anger warred in Buffy’s eyes, and Faith tried not to flinch away from them. She wasn’t used to this feelings lovey-dovey shit.

“It’s Angel, right? The big-bad beau from last year?” Her voice was soft, non-committal, and she tried to look less threatening and badass. It didn’t work very well, but Buffy could see the nervous jittering. “Fuck, B, it’s weird as fuck to me, but it’s gonna be okay. Ya don’t have to blubber.” She gave the best smile she could manage, though it wasn’t what she usually pulled off. “He’s in there somewhere.”

“Faith… I…” it was just a repeat of what Buffy had said a moment ago, and Faith wondered if Buffy was still debating on whether or not to kick her ass. She braced herself, and found a dejected blonde not quite looking at her. “He’s… no one can know that.” She looked back, shuddered at the renewed growling, and began to move toward the drapes, Faith following.

“Don’t worry B. I ain’t gonna go tellin’ no one.” Faith tried to sound comforting. “And… er… I’ll even help ya. Go to school, do you’re responsible, goody-girl thing, and I’ll try to scrounge up some blood for ‘im, yeah? Then, later, you can tell me what the fuck’s going on.”

Buffy stared at her for a moment, before a soft smile graced her lips. She hadn’t thought Faith could be so caring or sensitive, and couldn’t help hugging her as she smiled. “Thanks Faith… I… I’ll try to explain… I don’t really know… I…” She struggled with the words, her mind still in shambles over it, before Faith rolled her eyes and nudged her off in the direction of the school again. “Thanks.”

“Whatever B. Get goin’, kay?” She rolled her eyes again and gestured away before turning toward town. Now how the fuck was she supposed to get blood for the damn demon?

TBC