Go From Here

Chapter Fifteen

"That went well," Wesley told her as they loaded the dishwasher together after Fred had left.

Buffy nodded absently.

"Did you like her?"

Buffy nodded.

Wesley sighed. "Are you going to talk to me?"

She stopped at the irritation in his voice. "Sorry."

"Where were you tonight? What happened?"

She wasn't sure how to approach the subject short of just flat out saying what was on her mind. Wesley
however, beat her to the chase.

"It's about him isn't it?"

Buffy didn't know how to answer.

"When will it just be us again Buffy?"

Buffy sighed heavily and set the glass down she was holding. "Wesley," she started and then stopped. She
really didn't know how to say it. How do you tell the guy you've been living with and the guy you're supposed
to be in love with that you're not? The last thing she wanted to do was hurt him. As far as she was concerned,
there'd been far too much hurting going on.

"You love him, don't you?" Wesley asked quietly.

She fell silent.

"Did you ever love me Buffy?"

She looked up at him, tears in her eyes. This was it, the end. She could feel it. Yes, she did love Spike, but it
didn't make the whole thing any less scary. Not only that, the end of her and Wesley was like closing a
chapter of her life that she'd come to depend on for so long. It was the end of not just a relationship, but a
phase in her life. She was moving on from the Buffy that needed reassurance that she could be loved, to the
Buffy that was finally learning to love herself.

"I did, Wesley. I did love you."

"But not like you love him?"

"I didn't realize—"

He waved a hand at her and walked away. "I know, I know. You didn't realize until he came back, right?" He
sounded almost accusing.

She nodded.

He hung his head. "I never had you, not really. I knew it on some level. I knew that there was always this
part of you that was always held back. And I knew it had to do with him. It always was about him wasn't it
Buffy?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't know. . . I truly didn't know—"

"How could you not have known?" He shouted at her, slamming his fist down on the counter.

"I didn't WANT it to be about him. I just wanted to heal from losing my baby."

"And you never stopped to think that you had to heal from losing him too?"

"I tried so hard to push that away from him, to push HIM away from me. . . I thought I had succeeded. It
wasn't until he came back that I remembered. That I remembered what it was like to love him."

"And you, what? Remembered that you still held a torch for him?"

"It wasn't like that Wesley. I didn't set out with romantic intent with him, you KNOW that."

"I know," he whispered. He looked up at her. "You've always belonged to him, Buffy. Even when you didn't
know it, I did."

"It's scary," she told him honestly, her tears pouring freely now.

"Sometimes the scariest things are the best things for us."

"The road less traveled and all that crap? I've always been fond of the road with all the people on it."

Wesley moved closer and cupped her cheek in his hand. "No. That's not you. You think it is because the idea
makes you feel safer, but it's not you Buffy. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for. You have
changed so much in the past few months. There isn't so much anger in you, there isn't all this pain just
bubbling beneath the surface. You were like this wounded bird when I met you. You didn't know where to go or
what to do with yourself."

"And you nursed me back to health."

"No, I didn't. Not all of it. I just helped you discover what you wanted to be. Spike healed you, and with him,
you found peace within yourself. Now you're soaring."

Buffy flung her arms around Wesley and sobbed against him. He stroked her hair and she could feel his
tears fall on her hair and dampen her shoulder.

"I'll go to Willow's," she told him when they had cried their hearts out.

"You don't have to, Buffy. You can stay here."

"No. It's not right. This house is more you than me. This birds got to find a cage of her own."

"Spike's?"

She shook her head. "No. Mine. My own place. I went from my parent's home, to living with Willow, to living
with you. I want something of my own. Stand on my own two feet for a while and see how it goes."

"Are you going to tell him?"

"I will. Eventually."

"You've been missing him."

"I have, but it doesn't seem right to bounce like that does it?"

"That's my Buffy. Always doing what she feels is right," Wesley smiled sadly. "Except you're not my Buffy now
anymore, are you?"

"I never knew what it meant to say you belonged to the world. I guess I know now. It feels kind of scary, but
nice all the same. Like I have this blank plan in front of me and I can start filling it in as I go. I'm not as
afraid of that as I used to be."

"I love you."

"I know," she told him tearfully. "You're not alone Wesley. I think I know someone that wants to be yours.
And, I think you want to be theirs. So, now we're both free birds."

Wesley wiped at his eyes and walked away. "I'm going for a walk. Do you think--?"

"I'll be gone before you come back, Wesley."

Giving her one last sweet kiss, Wesley released her and walked out the door without a word.

Spike was staring into nothingness as he drank his beer and only half listened to Xander prattle on about
Anya something or other.

"Did you hear about Buffy?"

Spike's head snapped to Xander, her name having caught his attention. "What about her? Is she all right?"

Xander raised an eyebrow. "That certainly got your attention."

Spike glared at him.

"She's fine. She moved out of Wesley's last week."

Spike shot up from his chair. "What?" He nearly shouted. "She moved out and I'm just finding out NOW? Why
the bloody hell didn't she tell me? Why didn't ANYONE fucking tell me until a week after the fact?"

Xander stared at him. "Are you done now?"

Spike ran a hand through his hair. "Did he kick her out after all that?"

"No. She left of her own free will."

"Why?"

"Are you being serious right now?"

"Because of me," Spike muttered. "Did it all go to hell because of me? Did I ruin her relationship?"

"No, Spike. You didn't. Buffy's actually been pretty vague about what happened. I think it's something you
need to talk to Buffy about."

"How can I? She obviously doesn't want to talk to me right now. If she wanted to talk to me, she would have
called or come over or. . . or something." He sat down heavily, resting his head in his hands.

"Don't do that."

"Do what?" Spike looked up at him.

"Don't do that thing where you want to talk to her, but you don't because you don't think she wants to talk to
you. Then she'll think you don't want to talk to her because you didn't come and see her after you found out
and then it'll continue on like that for months which will be blend into years. Do you really want to do that? Do
you really want to spend all this time wondering what happened and how it will affect you or do you want to go
see her and find out for yourself and then possibly see what place in her life you have now?"

Spike stared at him, stunned. "How did you become the voice of reason?"

"Time, patience and lots of chick flicks."

Spike burst out in nervous laughter. "She staying with Willow?"

"For the time being. Seems our little Buffy has been quite the busy bee since she left Wesley. She's been
apartment hunting for a place of her own."

"Oh?"

"Yep. She's growing up, our Buffy," Xander grinned.

"Could you stop calling her ‘our' Buffy? She's not ‘our' Buffy, she's. . . she's. . . "

"Your Buffy?" Xander asked with eyebrows raised.

"Guess I won't find out until I talk to her, will I?"

TBC....please review