Remember Me

"Okay, so what's my job?" Spike asked nervously as he fidgeted and watched Buffy and Angel set up for the meditation. Buffy herself looked nervous too.

Angel looked over at him and stopped what he was doing. "You can relax for starters."

"Easy for you to say," Spike retorted.

"No kidding," Buffy muttered.

"Buffy?" Angel asked, concerned.

Looking guilty, Buffy shakes her head. "Just feeling a bit nervous that's all."

"Because I'm going to be there or because of what happened last time?"

"Little of both."

"Buffy, I told you last night that I would be safe."

"Yes, I know. And that I would be safe because I can control what happens."

"Right."

"So then, can I give you control too?"

"No.

"And the point of having you there again is...?"

"To see if I can see something you don't."

"And me? What am I doing?" Spike asked.

"If things appear to get hairy, you get us out by 'waking' us up. Don't fly off the handle either," Angel told him and dimmed the lights.

"I don't bloody fly off the handle!"

Both Buffy and Angel looked at him.

"Oh shut up!"

Buffy sat down next to Spike on the floor and gave him a kiss. "Don't worry, Spike. Everything's going to be all right."

"Thanks, kitten."

She smiled at him and faced Angel who was now sitting across from her. She took a deep breath. "I'm ready."

"Okay, we'll start like we always do except this time, we hold hands and breathe together."

"You don't breathe," Buffy pointed out as if Angel were nuts.

"Yeah, but I can. And in this case, having something like breathing that we can do together so we can be in tune will help. It'll help you when you draw my energy in with yours."

"Gotcha. Okay, I'm ready. Let's breathe together." She closed her eyes when she heard a snort from Spike. She couldn't help but start to giggle.

"'Let's breathe together?'" Spike asked through a laugh.

"That did sound dorky didn't it?" Buffy giggled.

"Guys, can we do this? The sooner we get there the sooner we can possibly find out what's coming for Buffy," Angel said, getting testy.

"Oh come on, Angel. Lighten up a little. Come on, it helps ease the tension a little," Buffy scolded him.

Angel frowned and shook his head.

"Angel's getting grumpy, we need to get to work," Buffy told Spike.

"Not getting grumpy," Angel grumbled.

"Ready?" Buffy asked, taking Angel's hands and entwining them with her own.

He met her eyes and nodded. "Ready."

Closing their eyes together, Buffy concentrated on her breathing, on the gentle and yet, deep inhalations and exhalations. She focused then on Angels breathing, concentrated on making their breaths in sync. She started to feel a tingling in her body starting from her fingers and spreading throughout her body. It was working. She had the sensation of Angel's fingers being welded into her own, as if they were her fingers as well. Breathing deeply she felt Angel's breath mingle with her own until it felt as if they were breathing as one. She felt surrounded, encased by him. He was with her, part of her. It was not at all scary; it was amazing. She felt safe, protected and warm. As if nothing could touch her, as if nothing would even DARE touch her.

Pulling in the energies of Sky and Earth, Buffy touched down, sending out her roots, entwining with Angels.

She was there, in her meadow. The sun was shining down, bright and warm.

"Angel?" She called out.

"Here, Buffy."

She spun to see Angel under a tree, covered by the shade. He looked up at it, a smirk on his face. "Worried?"

She grinned sheepishly. "Just a little."

Angel moved out from under the tree. The sun hit him directly. "See? Safe."

She nodded, smiling nervously and looked around her, taking in her surroundings. Feeling the air tickle the back of her neck, she spun around, poised for attack.

"Buffy, no one's here."

"Yet."

"They came when I least expected them last time."

"Maybe I should hide? Go under the tree again away from you?"

Buffy gulped, "yeah, I think so."

Angel put his hand under her chin to make her look at him. They frowned. Neither one could feel the touch. She looked up at him, "I don't like that I can't feel you."

"This is your place, not mine. I'm a visitor here."

"And they were able to touch me because they're a part of me, right?"

"Right."

"But aren't you a part of me?"

"Not in the same way," Angel smiled.

"Okay, you go under the tree and I'm going to...wade in the water like last time."

Angel nodded, he started for the tree and then turned to her. "Don't worry Buffy. Remember, they can't hurt you. This is your mind and you can stop them."

She nodded and silently made her way to the water. The cool stream caressed her feet and she breathed deep, letting her breathing calm her. Time passed and still no one came. Buffy moved to the edge of the pool and sat down in the grass, sprawling out on her back. Still, no one came. She stood to tell him that it was time to go, nothing was happening, but he wasn't there. She hadn't felt him leave, she still felt his energy there, but she couldn't see him, anywhere.

"Angel?" She called out, her heart beating faster.

No answer.

"Angel, this isn't funny," she stomped over to the tree and walked all the way around it. He wasn't there. She looked up. Hey, it could happen. Not there.

"Angel!" She shouted.

"Buffy, come back, luv."

She felt Spike's hand grip her arm tightly and her eyes flew open. She was faced with Angel who still sat there, holding her hands, watching her.

"Where the hell did you go?" She demanded, pushing away from him and standing up. "I expected you to be there and you just left!"

"Buffy, I was there. I kept responding to you and you didn't hear me. You walked right through me."

"What? You were there? You heard me asking for you?"

"I watched you the whole time. I heard you asking for me. I watched you come over to me and you walked right through me."

"I felt you there still. I just couldn't see you."

"We should try again, this time-"

Buffy shook her head. "No. The same thing will happen again. Whatever's coming, it doesn't count on you being there."

"Well it doesn't have much of a choice," Spike said angrily. "Whatever's is planning on coming is going to have to get through me and Angel to get to you."

"Spike, relax," Buffy began.

"Not bloody well going to relax, Buffy!" He shouted, standing up.

"Spike!" Angel said urgently. "Shouting is not going to help."

Buffy wrapped her arms around Spike, instinct telling her to do it. "Nothing's going to happen to me, Spike. Look at me; I'm fine." She pulled back, making him look at her. "This is the whole reason why we did this. To get answers to keep me safe. Right?"

Spike nodded. "Right," he replied before crushing her against him, holding on to her tightly. She looked over at Angel who looked perplexed. This wasn't like Spike to be acting like this. This was more than his normal worrying about Buffy. Something was preying on his mind and Buffy meant to get to the bottom of it.


Chapter Four


Buffy watched closely as Spike headed straight for their bedroom when they got home and shut the door behind him. A clear indication that he wanted to be left alone. She wanted to go to him, but also wanted to give him the time alone that he obviously wanted. She looked over at Angel.

"Why don't you go talk to him?" He urged.

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Is this a you, me and Spike conversation? A you and Spike conversation or a me, Spike conversation?"

"I think it's a you, Spike conversation that might later turn into a me, you and Spike conversation."

She shook her head. "I don't get it."

"Get what?"

"Why can't you talk to him too? I mean after everything we've shared how can there possibly be any secrets?"

"There isn't. Just...some things with Spike and I aren't done."

"Even after everything you've been through together?"

Angel nodded. "It's not a bad thing, Buffy. Spike and I have a deep respect and understanding for each other. We know that when push comes to shove, we'll be there for each other, but when it comes to sharing feelings? It's not only not a me, Spike thing, it's just not a guy thing."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "One day you're going to have to learn to share with each other," she told him and started for the bedroom.

Knocking gently on the door with her ear pressed to it, she heard a muffled 'come in' before entering. Spike sat, lounging in the armchair in the corner with a bottle of some amber liquid in his fist. He was staring blankly at the wall. He focused on her for a moment, giving her a weak smile before taking a long sip from the bottle.

Buffy sat across from him on the bed, legs together, ankles crossed. "What are you doing?"

"Drinking."

"Why?"

He shrugged.

"Does it have anything to do with what happened earlier?"

"You mean the meditation?"

She nodded.

"Little bit."

"Little bit?"

"Okay, fine. A lot."

"Something tells me it doesn't all have to do with what could possibly happen to me. Which, might I take this moment to remind you that there is ALWAYS something after me. Just now we know about it."

"Yeah, you're our regular Miss Cleo now, aren't you?"

"She was fake. I'm the real deal. Spill. I want to know what's bothering you."

"It's nothing I can't handle."

"I know that, Spike. But, I love you remember? And part of loving you means that I get to help you and listen to you and take some of the burden for you. Because I want to. You worry about me all the time-do you think I don't worry about you? Because I can tell you right now, I do. Remember when we got into that fight? There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of that and how close I was to losing you."

"Funny thing that fight. In the old days, I would have reveled in it. Would have helped strike the final blow on your battered body. Only after I tortured you a bit more first."

Buffy winced at that. There was bitterness in his words, and his words chilled her. He caught it.

"See? I'm a monster."

Buffy shook her head, "I'm not used to hearing you talk so callously. You're not a monster, Spike."

"They make monster movies about vampires don't they?"

"You're not a monster. You're Spike and I love you. I wouldn't love a monster."

"You do though. The things I've done...I've tortured girls your age Buffy. I've tortured them within an inch of their life, and then just tortured them some more. I've laughed in their faces, danced on their bones?I'm an evil monster and you shouldn't love something like me."

Buffy's heart was breaking at his words. She hated it when he talked of his past like this. When he became angry, bitter and most all Guilty about it. Because when he felt the guilt, he considered himself a thing, not a person. And Buffy couldn't think of him as he was pre-soul. The truth was, he WAS a different person then. She had a hard time hearing about the things Spike and Angel-as Angelus-had done. The fact was they HAD tortured people, of all kinds, of all ages. How could she NOT feel something about that? It made her feel guilty though, as if she didn't accept them, as if she didn't accept ALL of them. But wasn't part of love knowing the faults of others and not holding it against them, but rather loving them still? And she did. The demon she knew was part of them and she accepted it, even partly understood it. She also knew that not having a soul made them do terrible things, but people WITH souls did terrible things too. It was all very confusing, but all she knew was that she loved them both and could not imagine them being cruel and vicious. She was single-minded in that and she often wondered if not learning about every killing spree they went on made her narrow in her loving them. She wondered if it was just ignorance on her part and if it would all come back to bite her in the ass later. However, did Spike and Angel want her to pry into how they were pre-soul? Whenever she did ask, they became uncomfortable and defensive. It was simply something not talked about.

Now Spike with his stories, with the book he was creating, he was forcing himself to relive some of those moments. He glossed over them though, glossed over them and made them from X rated violence to PG-13 violence. Buffy often wondered if that was Spike's way of dealing with it. It almost seemed therapeutic for him. Now, she wondered if it was such a good idea. If it was causing him to relive the past and cause his soul to quake with remorse, she didn't want that. Spike had always been about forging ahead and not dwelling on the past. The past could kill you if you spent too much time there, that's what he'd always told her. It was killing him now.

Moving off the bed, Buffy moved to sit on Spike's lap. She wound herself around him, holding him tight against her. She felt the damp tears on her chest, and she just held tighter.

"I love you, nothing is going to change that," Buffy told him.

"I love you too, pet. I love you so bloody much and I don't deserve you. I don't deserve this life."

"You have it."

"Ever since Faith and Wesley came, ever since that fight. It reminded me. Reminded me of what it was like to go after a Slayer. How I killed two. One was the age you were when I met you and the other, your age now. I keep seeing them...I see them and they are you. You dying at my hands and it kills me because I'd kill anything that hurt you. Even me."

"Spike! Stop it, please. I hate to hear you like this."

"It's part of the guilt that I go through, Buffy. Unlike Angel who can brood about it for ages, I have myself a good bout of it now and then. The thought of those rabid dogs after my Buffy...makes me crazy. Crazy because I can't bear the thought of anyone hurting you and crazy because I know how they think. I know how they felt when they beat you to the ground, the euphoria of it. How much they didn't care, and it tears my soul apart to think how they could have murdered the one thing on this Earth that I live for and would die for...and how those girls I killed...all of them...how they had someone who felt just as I do about you and how much I didn't care."

He sobbed into her shoulder for a long time and Buffy held him, tears of her own falling with him, for him. She didn't know what to say to make it better, wasn't even sure if anything she could say would make it better. All she could do was hold him and tell him that she loved him and prayed that he believed her. What Spike needed was Angel. He was the only one who truly understood what it was like to have done those things and then have to remember with remorse attached. A soul was something she never had put much thought into, probably because, well, she'd been born with one and the concept of losing it was foreign to her. Plus, she'd known Spike and Angel with their souls for so long, she found it hard to remember that once upon a time they had been one of the vamps gunning for her. Snarling, hissing, growling and clawing at her with the intent to kill her. Angel knew though, Angel knew what it was like and he was the only one that could possibly help Spike. She felt as if she was in foreign territory and she felt ignorant for it. What could she possibly do save for letting him know that she loved him despite all that he'd done?

"I want to claim you."

Spike's words took her out of her thoughts.

"What?"

"I want to claim you."

Now this was different. "I'm shady on the whole claiming thing, can you explain it to me please?"

He looked up at her with watery eyes. "I bite you, mark you as mine. . . I say 'mine' and you're mine. No other vamp can harm you. It would mean you belonged to me for eternity and every vamp that crossed us would know it. It would protect you. And, it would bind us, bind our love."

She blinked at him. "Bite me, you say?"

He nodded. "It wouldn't hurt, Buffy. When done right, it's a very erotic experience. Usually done during sex."

"Do I bite you in return?"

His blue eyes darkened, "if you wanted to," he said, almost hopefully. "You can claim me back. Make me yours forever."

She smiled softly, "I thought I was yours forever already."

He smiled weakly back and tightened his hold on her. "You are. But to make it in blood. . . it would make it stronger. It would show the world that we belong to each other."

"What about Angel? Could he claim me too?"

Spike looked away for a moment and fell silent. Then he nodded, "yeah, he can claim you too. Never been done before, but yeah, he could I suppose."

"Spike, look at me," Buffy put her hand under his chin and turned his head toward her. She studied him, the myriad of emotions whirling inside him. "You just wanted it to be you."

He looked down, guilty. "I did," he whispered.

"You know I can't do that. . . Angel has to be involved."

"I know. I just. . . I don't know what I was thinking."

"I do," Buffy murmured. "You're so afraid that I'll leave you-by hating your past or by getting killed-that you'll do anything to keep me. To make sure I CAN'T leave if I wanted to. Which, I don't want, nor would I ever. Spike," she made him look at her once more, "I love you so much. I'll never leave you. Your past is the past. It'll kill you if you dwell on it and I need you here, with me. Please, stay here with me okay?"

He nodded, his eyes leaking tears once more. He buried his face in her neck. "Say it again. Say you'll never leave me."

"I'll never leave you."

"Will you think about the claiming? Angel can do it too. . . I want to keep you safe. Will you think about it?"

"I don't need to."

"You don't?" He looked up at her, as if afraid to hear what her answer would be.

She shook her head. "I already know what the answer is."

He waited, silently.

"I trust you and I trust Angel. I love you and I love Angel. I know that you would never hurt me and I can't think of anything better than belonging to you and Angel for eternity. I already know that I will, but if you want to make it official, then by all means. And, if it comes with the bonus of keeping me safe? I'm all on board."

"Really?"

She nodded. "Did you think I would really say no? Silly boy. I am already yours and you are already mine. The same goes for Angel."

"What goes for Angel too?" Angel asked, pushing the door open.

"Buffy's agreed to the claiming. She wants to do it," Spike explained.

"You talked about it?" Angel's face was the picture of shock.

Buffy nodded. "Spike said it'd bind us for eternity and that it would keep me safe." She frowned. "Only me? Or you too?"

"Only you kitten. You're still mortal."

"That's not fair!"

Angel made his way over to the bed and sat down, facing them. "You never told me you wanted to do it before, Spike. I brought it up before and you didn't acknowledge it much."

"Because I didn't think she was ready for it yet. Things are different now. Before we were just getting our footing right in our relationship. Now, we're set. It's time."

"Can you stop talking about me as if I'm not here? That's really annoying." Buffy told them.

"Sorry, pet."

"So," Buffy stood and faced them. "How do we begin?"