What Was I Thinking!?!
Chapter 15
The first thought that
crossed Spike’s mind when Buffy returned to the kitchen was how young she
looked. It made him wonder for a second if he was doing the right thing by
tying her down, but the smile she gave him was the one of a woman in love. He
was the luckiest man alive was his second thought as he watched her enter the
room.
When the McDonald’s retired
to bed, Buffy had taken off to shower. Spike hated wasting the little time they
had left, but upon seeing her again he decided the wait was worth it. She was
dressed in pink pajama bottoms with cute little pigs dancing on them, and a
white tank top that enticingly clung to breasts still damp from her time under
the water. He held his arms out to her and she rushed over to sit on his lap.
He wrapped the blanket around them as they settled into the couch.
Spike buried his nose in her
neck, inhaling the sweet scent of her flowery soap. He continued to nuzzle his
way up to her ear where he gently nibbled the lobe.
“You’re so delicious,” Spike
whispered, letting his tongue trace the shell of her ear. “I could taste you
all day.”
“I was wrong,” Buffy
replied, rubbing her nose against his cheek. “If I could have one wish right
now, I’d wish to spend a whole night in a bed with you. To wake up in your arms
and make love to you all morning.”
“Oh, baby,” Spike purred,
shifting them a little. He was getting hard from the feeling of her body
pressed to his and from the words that made his heart want to shout in joy. But
he had promised the McDonalds that they would only talk and he would keep his
word. “I wish for that too.”
“What am I going to do
without you for two whole months?”
Buffy kissed him. It was
filled with all the loneliness they were both feeling at the thought of being
apart. He let her deepen the kiss because he needed the affirmation of their
love too. His hand cupped her bottom, pressing her closer to him. They were
going to spiral out of control soon. He tried to stop them but felt her pulling
him down on the couch.
“Now, now, none of that,”
Lindsey said. They looked up to find him wagging his finger at them. “No hanky
panky in the house.” Their friend continued into the room, plopping down on the
easy chair next to them. “Cordy is putting pizza in the oven and bringing the
soda pop. Want to watch a movie?”
It wasn’t the way either of
them wanted to spend their last night together. Spike had said something about
talking, but what was there to talk about? Endless words of an undying love
they both believed. Or at least he hoped they both believed in.
Once Cordelia joined them,
Spike and Buffy moved over to the rner.ner. Cuddling under the blanket they
shared a few slices from the same plate. The movie went unwatched as they
concentrated on each other. Sharing soft kisses, loving caresses and gazes that
spoke all the words they wanted to say. Morning found them still holding each
while sound asleep on the outstretched recliner. Lindsey was asleep in the
chair while Cordelia was curled up on the couch.
Spike threw his overnight
bag into the back seat of the Desoto. It was time for him to return to
not without Buffy. His time here with her seemed to be almost a dream. Would
they be able to make it two months without seeing each other? Would they feel
the same come summer? He was determined they would. He loved her.
Tears were hovering on her
lashes when he turned to her. Their eyes met, blinblinked and they ran down her
cheeks in a lonely epitaph to their good-bye. Pulling her against him, he
whispered into her ear, “I promise I’ll call as soon as I get to
Over breakfast earlier, the
McDonald’s laid down the rules regarding phone calls and computer time. They
were to be allowed a half an hour a day or an hour every other day. It was up
to them how they chose to use it. For now they were going to make daily calls
and later on, depending on their schedules they’d arrange their time.
Limiting his time with Buffy
was going to be hard. Spike was older and used to making his own choices with
people his own age without having to accommodate things like curfews. He
understood why though. It was so Buffy could concentrate on the life she had
here. On her schoolwork, her extracurricular activities like cheerleading,
chores and of course preparing for graduation and college. He respected the
decision the McDonald’s had made. If they made it through this separation then
they both knew it was real.
Spike would be whatever she
needed, a haven, protection, an ear to listen to her or a lover. But he wanted
her with him because she loved him and not just because she did need those
things. The time apart would give them the time to be surer of themselves and
each other. It would make them stronger.
“I’ll be counting the
minutes,” Buffy responded, kissing his cheek before he stepped away.
The McDonald’s were waiting
for their good-byes. Spike had gained a family too in the time he’d been here.
They were good people who opened his heart to a way of life he’d never seen
before. After meeting them he knew why his best friend was such a good guy. It
was a case of learning by example. Honesty, integrity and a spirit made for
having fun. It made Spike wish for a family of his own one day. He hugged
Cordelia and her mother. There was a hearty handshake and a pat on the back
from Mr. McDonald to send him on his way.
Then it was Buffy’s turn. He
cupped her cheeks, letting his thumbs drift over her cheeks, trying to memorize
every curve of her face since he didn’t have a photo to take back with him. He
didn’t need a picture to remember her. She would haunt him. Her face, the
softness of her body under his hands, the way her lips fit his, and the way her
laughter made his heart feel alive again.
“I love you, Buffy,” Spike vowed.
“I’ll be here to see you graduate.”
“I know you will,” Buffy
said, nodding. “I’ll be waiting for you.”
He kissed her with as much
passion as he could in front of a crowd. Then he just held her close for awhile
before tearing himself from her arms. He had to. Otherwise he would never have
left. Without looking back he hopped into his car and headed down the driveway.
It was the fluttering in his peripheral vision that made him look behind him.
Buffy stood in the middle of the driveway, waving to him, until he disappeared
from view.
The entire day was ranking
up there as one of the most difficult of her life. First watching Spike leave
and now packing up the room where she’d grown up. Every important step in
Buffy’s life had ended with her being within those four walls. Now it would be
over. Never again would she come home to the room decorated with old Dorothy
Hamill and New Kids on the Block posters. The teddy bears strewn across the
comforter of the brass bed that had been her twelfth birthday present.
No longer was she a child.
The last few days had changed that, too. It was okay though. Things were going
to be on her terms now. The dreams were going to come true with only one big
exception to her rules. There was going to be a man with her. And she was okay
with that. Spike wouldn’t hold her back. At least she hoped not.
“Hey, Buffy, what about the
stuffed animals?” Cordelia asked, putting a box on her bed.
“Except for Mr. Gordo they
go into storage?” Buffy replied wistfully as she eyed them. “I don’t know…”
She caught Lindsey’s eye as
he closed a box with some of her clothes. He looked away but the glance had
been long enough to realize that his loyalty had switched from her to Spike. At
first Lindses gos going to protect her from the more experienced city boy. The
one who could use her for a brief fling then discard her when he returned to
UCLA. Now that Spike’s heart was on the line and she was the one holding the
power, Lindsey would protect his friend.
If the McDonald’s hadn’t
stepped in to help her, she knew Spike would have. Even to the point of giving
up school to support her. For that he deserved the very best of her and from
her. If he was going to be a man about the relationship then he deserved a
woman in return. Sucking it up, she squared her shoulders. Only what she needed
for her future would go with her. Her childhood needed to be packed up and put
away for now.
“Yes or no?” Cordelia
prodded when she hesitated.
“Pack them,” Buffy replied.
“Except for Mr. Gordo.”
With a determination that
was previously missing, Buffy went to work. She directed her friends on what
needed to be marked for storage and what she would take with her. With everyone,
including Harmony and her sister, helping they finished in a couple of hours.
Everything was loaded into the truck to take back to Lindsey’s. The things
Buffy wanted to store would be put into the attic there until she wanted them.
“I’m going to talk to my mom
for a sec,” Buffy said, handing a box to Angel. “I’ll be right back.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Lindsey called
to her retreating back. “Go on. Leave the back breaking work to us. You owe us
for this.”
Buffy just waved her hand at
him without turning back. She knew he was teasing her anyway. It was the way it
was with them. A wave of love washed over her as she realized how good her
friends really were to her. She might have been given a jerk for a father but
she was blessed in other areas.
Walking back into the house,
she hesitated and called out. “Mom, where are you?”
Taking her belongings out of
this house had changed things. No longer was she an occupant but a visitor and
for the first time in her life she felt uncomfortable standing in the living
room. She looked around at the same furniture, the same knick knacks and pictures
adorning the shelves and mantel that were there before. It was her that had
changed.
“Did you get everything?”
Joyce asked, coming in from the kitchen. She seemed to be nervous, too.
“Yeah, I think that was it,”
Buffy said, shifting from one foot to the other. “If you find anything just let
me know and I’ll come by to get it.”
Her mother nodded. What did
you say in this moment? Buffy had no clue.
to escape.
Neither was appropriate even
if it was the truth. She couldn’t hurt her mother like that. Not deliberately.
There were questions that she wanted to ask. Like how could her mother choose
to stay with someone like Hank? Why would a mother choose a man over protecting
her child? But she couldn’t ask those either. Buffy wasn’t a little girl
anymore and her mother had to do what was best for herself.
In the end she simply said,
“I love you and I’m going to miss you.”
Their hug seemed to last
forever. So, many things were said during their embrace more then they would
ever say aloud to each other. Buffy could feel her mother’s tears on her
shoulder and she held her tighter.
“I love you, too, Buffy,”
Joyce said, kissing her cheek. “I’m sorry…”
“Don’t mom,” Buffy
interrupted, shaking her head. “Just leave it at loving me. That I believe.”
Buffy didn’t wait for a
reply. She ran from the house and toward her new life.