Lost Memories

He knew something was wrong when she showed up at his crypt before sunset. His fears were confirmed by the way she was wringing her hands in obvious nervousness when he slid the door open just far enough to let her in. She immediately threw her arms around him and within seconds he could smell the salty scent of her tears.

“What’s wrong Red?” The only thing he could think was that the good witch had finally ended things between them, which suited him just fine.

“Tara……”

“What luv? Did she break up with you?”

“No Spike, things are starting to get better. She’s talking to me more now, hinting around that she might be ready to come back home.” She wasn’t sure how she could be so happy and so miserable at the same time. All she’d wanted the past few weeks was for her girlfriend to come back home. Now it seemed she just might get that, but it was tearing her heart apart to think she would lose Spike. She loved Tara, but goddess help her, she loved Spike too.

“Oh, I see. Your bird’s coming back, so this is goodbye then?” He suddenly released her and started frantically pacing back and forth, his anger swelling with each step. “She decides to just pick back up where you left off, and what? You take her back, all is forgiven?”

“I don’t think she’s completely forgiven me yet, but we’ll get there……”

“No Willow, have you forgiven her?”

“Spike….”

“Bloody fuckin’ hell Red. She left you. You needed her and she left you.” He was yelling now. “What’s going to happen the next time things get tough, huh? I’ll tell you what’ll happen, you’ll find yourself all alone again, and damn it, I might not be there to give you that little bit of cold comfort that gets you through the night.”

“Spike, why are you being like this? You’ve got Buffy, right? You love Buffy, don’t you?” All it would take would be for him to say no. If he would just tell her he loved her, she’d leave Tara. It would darn near kill her, but Spike was at least a little right. She didn’t know if she could really count on Tara to stand by her, but she knew she could depend on him.

What would she say if he told her the truth? How would she react if she knew that it was her face that swam behind his closed eyelids? Would it scare her to know that he dreamed of her every night? What would she think if she knew that every time he shagged Buffy he imagined it was his Red? She’d probably run out of here screaming bloody murder if he said those words to her, but god how he wanted to.

“Yeah, guess you’re right. Knew we weren’t in it for the long haul from the beginning, huh?” He’d stopped pacing now and was looking directly into her. For a minute her heart stopped. What if he could tell, just by looking at her, that she was in love with him?

“Spike, I’m sorry.”

“For what? We both wanted - no we both needed this. Remember? Mutual activity.”

“But Spike, I used you. Used you to get what I needed. Here I’ve been pissed at Buffy this whole time for how she was treating you, and I did the same thing.”

“No, don’t you even think that. You didn’t use me anymore than I used you, right? Besides, weren’t really using each other, so much as helping each other. Being there for each other, right?” God, when did he become such a soddin’ poof?

“I just want you to know that these past few weeks have meant the world to me. I don’t think I could’ve gotten through this without you. I need you to understand that. Need you to know that no matter what Buffy says or does, no matter how she treats you, no matter how she tries to hurt you, I’m living proof that you’re a good man. I owe my sanity and possibly even my life to you.” She was crying again, but she just couldn’t seem to stop. She needed him to know that she meant every single word.

“Come on Red, you’ve done just as much for me as I have for you.” Oh God, was this really the end? Was he really never going to hold her again? Never going to kiss her again? Never going to have her warm him through the night again? They hadn’t shagged since the first night, but he’d been hoping that they were working up to it. Was actually planning on breaking things off with Buffy tonight, no use being with her anymore when he didn’t seem to be helping her at all. And honestly, his heart just wasn’t in it anymore. His heart belonged to someone else. Someone who was currently crushing it very slowly and painfully.

“No where near it Spike. And now I get to feel like Miss Greedy yet again. There’s one more thing I want from you, just one last favor I need. And Goddess I know I shouldn’t do it, don’t really want to do it, but there’s just no other option. I’ve tried, but every time I see her -” She dropped to her knees, sobs wracking her small frame, head in her hands, and he was holding her - possibly for the last time - in an instant.

“Easy luv, I told you that you could trust me, and I meant it, so whatever it is, just name it and it’s yours.” He’d long passed the point where he could deny her anything she wanted.

“I want to do a spell.” She knew how that sounded, how much she sounded like an alcoholic begging for just one last drink. But it really wasn’t like that. She didn’t want to do this, but she knew it’d be the only way she could survive. The few weeks they’d borrowed while Tara was gone had been hard, but Spike had been there and Tara hadn‘t. But then she’d fallen in love with him and Tara had returned. She’d never stopped loving her either and it hurt. Who knew love could be so painful? When knew how much it could rip and tear at you to love two people at once? She had to do this, the only other option was to walk around for the rest of her life with only half a heart.

“Red, I thought we were past that?” If she’d been in her right analytical mind, she’d have caught that ‘we’. Would have understood the implications of that one little word. - “When you love someone, truly love someone, their problems are your problems”

“No, I said that wrong, I don’t want to do it, I have to. I need to forget Spike. I want to do a spell to make us both forget this. I can’t…….. Spike, I need to forget every moment we’ve spent together, because if I don’t……..” If he’d been able to think over the buzz in his head, he might have realized how much she’d left unsaid. If he’d taken the time to really look at her, to see her pain for what it truly was, he might have understood how important it was to make her finish that sentence. - “I wish you could stay.”

He was dying again, he was sure of it, only this death felt more final, and was definitely more painful. He didn’t even hear the next words out of his own mouth. Was surprised she could even hear them over the ear-splitting, soul-wrenching crash of his heart.

“Whatever you need, pet.”