Mangled Spells and Manly Bits

A loud pounding drove Xander from sleep, and he flailed wildly for a moment, woken from a dream where he walked a tightrope over a giant jelly donut.

“Oi, somebody better be bloody dead or there’s goin’ ta be a death,” Spike cursed as he leapt from the bed and charged out the bedroom door, snagging the sword that leaned up against the wall.

“Spike!” Xander yelped, struggling to get his legs untangled from the sheets long enough to chase him out the door. Spike was already down the stairs when Xander yelled again. “Spike!” he all but screamed.

“Wot?” Spike asked from the bottom of the stairs, sword held high. Xander tossed the balled up black robe at Spike before ducking back into the bedroom to grab his own sweats. He briefly wondered where his shirt had gone but didn’t take time to find it before grabbing his own stake and running down the stairs.

“Boy-toy,” Faith greeted him. “If you’re expecting the in-laws to visit, you gotta wait for the sun to go down,” she said with a nod toward his stake.

“Ha ha,” Xander complained. “What are you doing here?”

“Regretting missing all the fun.” Faith turned around and looked toward the living room. Xander flinched as stepped forward and caught sight of the destroyed room. Bits of glass had gone everywhere, a scratched and chipped gnome lay on the couch and a bloody trail led up the stairs. Spike leaned against the hallway door, unable to get into the living room since the sun proof drapes hung crooked across the big window, allowing the late afternoon sun to bathe the room in red light.

“Whatever ya want, just spit it out. Don’t want ta ruin my reputation by havin’ a bloody slayer in my house,” Spike demanded with his arms crossed.

“I thought sleeping with the boy kinda did that for you,” she shot back. Spike growled loudly and stood up straight as he slipped into game face.

“Oh put it away already,” Faith commented with as she picked her way into the living room. “Like you better than Buffy’s vamp anyway, that’s for sure. He spends all his time sniffing after Buffy, and I know Ms. Frigid isn’t giving him any.”

“Hey!” Xander protested at the same time that Spike announced, “Be bloody glad for it.”

“Who said I’m giving him any? Man parts here!” Xander insisted and the minute the words were out of his mouth, he regretted them. He didn’t even bother looking over at Spike because he knew the expression the vampire would be giving him, that closed off, ‘it doesn’t really matter to me’ look that always made Xander feel even smaller than usual.

“Yeah, right,” Faith said as she looked over. “It’s five by five with me, don’t really mind the thought of two hot men squirmin’ around in a bed, but trust me when I say he looks like he’s getting a little.” Faith pursed her lips as she looked at Spike admiringly. Xander instinctively looked over, and he had to admit that Spike looked entirely too sexy in his short black robe for the vampire to be celibate.

“Gettin’ a bloody lot,” Spike said with a smirk to Xander.

“Yeah, the boy’s color kinda says that. Kind of a cherry red there,” Faith said with a head bob in Xander’s direction, and Xander could feel the blush that had started at the sight of Spike suddenly deepen. “Of course, cherry might not be the best word to use,” Faith said with another purse of her lips.

“Hey!” Xander protested, suddenly realizing that Faith was intentionally saying things to make him blush, which wasn’t all that difficult for her considering that she was even worse than Cordelia when it came to saying exactly what she thought. God, considering his ability to attract scary-type women, he shuddered at the thought that if Spike hadn’t come into his life she might have been in his future. “I know you didn’t come over to admire our redecorating, so exactly why are you banging on our door before the sun even goes down?”

“Sun’ll be down in a half-hour, so if I’m waking you, somebody must’ve been a bad boy and stayed up last night,” she sing-songed in a salacious tone.

“When the sun goes down enough for me ta get into the living room, I’m goin’ ta eat her,” Spike threatened, but Faith simply laughed.

“The others sent me over. After you threw your little hissy fit, the watcher did some sort of tracking spell, and it turns out there was a big blast of the voodoo yesterday. Willow and Oz tracked it down to a hotel outside of town, and you’re never going to guess who was staying at the Sunnydale Inn.”

“Elvis,” Spike snapped.

“One Mrs. Post,” Faith said, and Xander noticed the slayer staring intensely at Spike. When Xander looked to see if Spike was doing something stare-worthy, Spike looked back at him with a one-eyebrow up look of confusion at the slayer’s attitude.

“Mrs. Post came in claiming to be from the watchers, but she was this master manipulator who tried to steal the Glove of Myhnegon. Angel burned the thing and she disappeared,” Xander explained briefly, leaving out the whole Faith getting totally taken in part.

“So, the bint did something ta us?” Spike asked in a low voice.

“Yeppers, sure looks like it,” Faith agreed. “We kicked her ass, took her all-powerful glove thingy, and now evil ol’ Mrs. Post seems to be playing with the abracadabras. Whatever spell came out of there was big and Giles said some of the ingredients Willow found in the hotel could’ve been used to cancel out other magic.”

“Oh god, did it affect anyone else?” Xander asked. In a town like Sunnydale you could never tell.

“Apparently this girl called Amy came down with the world’s worst case of acne overnight, but other than that, things seem pretty normal for a hell mouth.” Faith shrugged, her intense focus on Spike suddenly broken as she wandered the living room again.

“So, library time,” Xander confirmed as he looked around for his shoes.

“Pet?” Spike asked.

“Yeah, yeah. Wait ten minutes for the sun. I know.” Xander said. Of course he wasn’t going to risk turning his vampire into dust…again.

“Actually, I was thinking ya probably want ta have clothes that actually cover your body, not that I mind if ya want ta start goin’ with the half-naked look.” Xander looked down and realized that he didn’t know where his shirt was, his sweatpants were ripped in both knees, and he didn’t own any shoes that fit, although he had a sudden surplus of strappy sandals.

“I’m saying he looks better than normal,” Faith said with a shrug.

“Oh god, I am not going out like this,” Xander announced.

“Yeah, figured. Thought I’d point it out before ya actually got ta the library, though. You stay here, and when the sun goes down, I’ll go out and get ya somethin’.” Spike offered.

“Nothing embarrassing,” Xander demanded, and Faith started laughing.

“Considering what you normally wear, exactly what would be so bad that you would find it embarrassing?” she asked. Xander didn’t answer; he just gave a Spike-like snort and went upstairs to catch a shower because he suddenly realized that he could smell the sex on his own body. While he showered, he heard Spike come in to change, but by the time he got out, the vampire and the slayer were gone, leaving him to clean up and make calls about replacing a window, cleaning a carpet, and finding a new lawn gnome.

Spike didn’t come home for nearly two hours, but when he appeared, he had enough sacks to make Buffy and Willow together happy.

“Oh my god, you do realize I’m not a woman anymore, right?” Xander asked. “Not feeling any girly need to change clothes three times a day and perfectly okay with swapping the same two pairs of jeans using the tried and true every-other day rule.”

“I’ve seen what ya pick for yourself, pet; you don’t get choices in this.”

“Oh just give me a shirt and pants so I can get dressed,” Xander demanded.

“Who said I bought ya any shirts. Like ya topless,” Spike smirked, but he also threw Xander a single bag which Xander took upstairs so he could change into god-awful tight black jeans and a deep blue silk shirt with low boots. Great, if he wasn’t careful, Buffy was going to stake him as a vampire, he thought as he stomped downstairs.


By the time Spike and Xander arrived at the library, the others had gathered around a large map of Sunnydale, Willow suspending a crystal above the surface.

“So, I guess I’m going to be apology-man tonight,” Xander said as he walked through the swinging doors. Giles removed his glasses almost immediately, and Xander realized that he was actually getting used to not seeing the Watcher with glasses, which probably wasn’t a good thing considering the man only took them off to nervously polish them.

“Yes, well I admit we might have approached you about breaking the spell if we had found a way…” Giles was interrupted by a low guttural growl. He continued as if a century old vampire wasn’t suddenly looking at him as though he had the last edible blood in the world flowing through his veins. “But I assure you we would not have attempted a counter-spell without your consent.”

“Ditto here,” Willow offered. “I mean the whole you and Spike thing, yeah, it’s totally of the weird and creepy feeling making, but since I date a werewolf, I won’t try to tell you what to do. Besides, you click…well, you did. I don’t mean to assume that you still click, not that there’s anything wrong with guys clicking together, had a few of those type click thoughts myself…well, not so much the two guys thing as the two girls, and I just totally lost control of my mouth so someone please stop me.”

“Stop,” Oz suggested, and then he stood up and leaned over to kiss her on the lips.

“Thank you,” Willow shyly whispered, and Xander found that he was totally and completely happy that he hadn’t managed to mess them up. Now that he had his manly parts back, he could honestly say that he no longer wanted to click with her.

“It’s okay, Willow,” he said, and suddenly he realized why she had stuttered. Spike always stood somehow touching unless he was upset, but now Spike leaned against a far wall. Xander went over and slipped his own arm around Spike. “We’re still clicking,” he announced to everyone. Spike simply smirked, but Xander would have sworn he saw something like approval in Angel’s eyes before the older vamp returned to his normal stoic/constipated look. Maybe animal blood really did make vampires constipated.

“So, Mrs. Post?” Xander asked.

“Yes, she appears to have made a few contacts with the council despite her unsavory history. I haven’t gotten any word back from England, but I think we can safely assume that Mrs. Post is a very real danger,” Giles offered as he slipped his glasses back on.

“The bint’s not really a problem,” Spike shrugged. Xander shot a look over and would have called that expression guilt if he’d seen it on anyone else. Knowing his vampire, he considered it more a cross between self-satisfaction and wariness at having gotten caught.

“Oh good lord, what did you do?” Giles asked, and yep, there went the glasses. New record—three seconds.

“Oi, you lot said she was evil, seemed like that put her on my menu.”

“You ate her? Okay, that’s a serious euwww,” Buffy complained.

“I double that euwww and add a yuck,” Willow said with a shudder. “And I don’t even have to kiss him after he eats.”

“Well, at least we don’t have to look for her,” Xander finally said. “And you are so brushing your teeth before I kiss you,” he finished. Spike gave him his best leer, and Xander rolled his eyes. “So, where to from here, G-man?”

“Oh good lord, does no one have a problem with Spike eating the woman?” Giles asked incredulously.

“I’m going with ‘yea, Spike’ personally,” Faith offered.

“Problem, yes, and if you start eating the general population, I am so going to stake you, but Angel already told me about Spike’s extra-curricular activities,” Buffy admitted.

“And you hadn’t informed me?” Giles demanded, and off with the glasses again. The man was going to get a callous on his nose if he kept doing this.

“Giles, I know this isn’t the perfect situation, but Spike has been a huge help patrolling, and Angel promises me he isn’t going off his new criminal diet, and Angel said that he used to do the same thing what with the eating bad guys, so I’m not going to stake him if he can’t go cold turkey on the red-stuff.” Buffy turned to Spike, “but if you run out of criminals, you’d better go bagged because I will not have an innocent life on my conscience.”

“Don’t give a tinker’s arse about your conscience, Slayer, but I won’t do that ta Xander.”

“Yeah, I know,” Buffy answer with a sigh and an expression she normally reserved for really sappy girl movies that Xander would never admit to watching with his two best friends.

“Thanks, Buffy,” Xander said with a genuine smile, and Buffy simply smiled her answer back.

“Might have eaten a couple people myself,” Oz shrugged, and Angel simply stood silent.

“Well, I can see I’m outnumbered, so I will simply say that if you continue any of your previous activities, I will bring in outside help,” Giles said, and Xander could feel Spike tense under his arm.

“Rupert, William’s…extravagances….were always inspired to get my attention or Drusilla’s love. I hardly think he is likely to continue torturing now,” Angel interrupted, and Xander suddenly found himself liking Deadboy, well not liking as in liking, but liking in a totally not gay way, not to suggest he wasn’t gay any more or anything.

“So, demons and evil spells and rogue Watchers, oh my,” Xander said in his best Dorothy impression because, gay here.

“Yes,” Giles said as he obviously struggled to reach some decision. “Spike, Xander, you have patrol tonight. Buffy, go to the motel and talk to everyone who saw Mrs. Post or who might have any information on anyone she was working with. Faith, check back at those places she took you. She might have taken any accomplices to the same restaurants. Willow, if you would use that machine to try and trace any phone calls or credit records, I will try to reach my contacts in England.” Giles distributed the assignments, and Xander found himself smiling. He got sent on patrol. He never got sent on patrol. Patrol was where Buffy and Angel killed vamps between making out on tombstones, and don’t think he hadn’t followed the two of them often enough to know that. And now he got sent on patrol with his vampire. He turned to find Spike giving him a confused and somewhat concerned expression, but Xander just pulled out his stake and smiled.

“I so feel like staking something tonight,” he announced. Faith’s instant roar of laughter followed by various chuckles from around the room made him realize his mistake.

“And I so did not mean that in a gay way,” he protested. “Not that I have a problem with gay staking, but I meant staking a vampire,” he explained causing a new round of laughter.

“Oi, let’s just get out of here before ya kill ‘em with your brilliant repartee,” Spike suggested. Xander would have asked what repartee meant except he found himself pulled out the door to the sound of his friends still laughing.