The Forget Me Not Series

Summary: Continuing from last chapter. Faith is now feeling from Spike after the
spell removed her Slayer Power, but failed to Spi Spike from be able to burn
vampire-soul fire into her. Faith knows that the prophecy of the demon clan is
true, and that letting Spike burn his fire into her will now only bring about
doom. Spike, still the romantic, seems to think otherwise -- that it is destiny.
A powerless Faith decides prepares to retreat with the only one she feels is
strong enough to guard her until Spike's obsession ends -- Angel. Robin and
Kennedy question her decision, and Robin sharome ome new ideas on how to handle
Spike. (Faith's POV: Wood/Faith and Faith & Kennedy friendship.)

Author's Note: So, it's finally here! Things are going to pick up speed. I want
to thank everyone for their feedback and keep it coming. I'd love to nominate
someone for the Feedback award in Shadows and Dust:

shadows-and-dust.co.uk/SDFA/

So write to me and give me all your info for all of you who have been giving me
the love!

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Everybody scatter.The worlds gonna Catch on fire-A funeral buyer.

Is a hard heads people desire.

Every night you tryer.

You turn into a cryer.

Who was just in bed Thinkin higher, higher

Friends will always moveTill you get the bob wire

Every common law gets a flat tire

What kind a power we got?

Soul power

What kind a power you want now?

Soul power

What kind a power need now?

Soul power

What kind a power you got now?

Soul power

Know you gots to have it?
ul pul power

--Public Enemy

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Forget Me Not Chapter 13-- "What Kind of Power Do We Got?"

Faith threw the last of her clothes into her duffle bag. She licked her lips and
looked around nervously. She looked at her Sex Pistol poster that had followed
her to every motel and squatting place she had been in. When she was in prison
it waited rolled up along with a photograph she had at Angel’s hotel. The
photograph was older, but less beat up that the poster. She had no clue how she
never lost it. It was of a woman with “Blondie” style dark roots showing blond
hair that really didn’t go with her olive skin and dark eyebrows. Still, you
would never want to tell her. Her red-painted lips curled into a sneer around
her cigarette despite her perky face. She would leave the Sex Pistol poster
behind, but of course take the picture—take Mom. Hadn’t Mom taken her
everywhere? Like bars and clubs. In her own way Mom really tried. Hey, it had
really prepared Faith for being a Slayer. She was awesome at figuring out who
was a vamp in a bar, but that was over now, and that was what was right. “The
party’s over,” Mom would say. Everything comes to an end. Faith wished she could
tell Kennedy that Spike could have her Sex Pistols poster. He was the only one
who knew how long she had been keeping it, after all.

Faith wasn’t going to waste her time feeling guilty about being friends with her
boyfriend’s mother’s killer, nor was she ever going to deny it. Spike and Faith
had been friends. Sometimes he mentioned his killings casually and sometimes he
bragged about them. Other times he shuddered about it like his body was trying
to shake off guilt. He seemed to shake it off successfully, but eventually it
would always come back again. None of this ever bothered Faith; in fact she was
comforted by it. Spike was the only person around who was going through all the
seasons she knew. He lived in the same part of the world she did, where you went
through all the shit of winter and fall of the things you did. They weren't So
Cal people that just had spring and summer. They were people that could never
move. The best thing they could do was shake off the cold bitter cycles they
went through.

There was no sense trying to make up for past mistakes because you couldn't.
There was no sense in pretending you hadn't enjoyed being evil, because you had.
It would be insulting to your victims to lie or make excuses. You could just do
your best now, which she knew Spike was trying. But he was wrong about the way
he was trying to do it and Faith had to make it right. Spike didn’t realize if
he burned his soul, or whatever it was into her, it would again make her the
self-serving bitch that she'd been years ago. And yes, part of her would enjoy
it, to have the very power of the soul of a Champion heal her and mix with the
Slayer demon. If Spike did finish the healing she knew she would be complete in
a way she had never been before. She would also be evil, a killer, someone who
thought they were above the rules. Wrong.

“You know,” Kennedy, said as she stood in Faith’s doorway, “I should kick your
ass. You are really freaking my girlfriend out, jetting like this.”

“I really don’t get what Red thinks I can do with the re-opened Hellmouth. I no
longer have any Slayer demon in me. She’s powerful enough to guard the Hellmouth
with you guys, and then there’s Spike and Connor. The world doesn’t need a
Slayer anymore,” Faith sighed.

Faith knew it wasn’t Willow who cared that Faith was going away. Red was just
nervous about her ability to use magic with the reopened Hellmouth without
turning all-evil. Faith was sure Willow knew that Faith was the last person to
help her with that. Kennedy was Red’s emotional rock. It was Kennedy who didn’t
want Faith to go.

“Besides,” Faith said as she zipped up her bag, “I’d think you’d be glad to have
me out of the way when you are popping the big question. I mean, if Red does say
yes to moving in here with you, I’m sure I’m the last person she’ll want to see
while you are having your shacking-up honeymoon period.”

“Yeah, I guess. So, you can come back when the reality and bitterness of what
it’s really like to live together has sunk in. You do think she’ll say ‘yes’,
don’t you? We’ve been together for so long now; longer than her and that Tara
girl. And, Dawn is gonna want to go to college and move out of that house, and
then Dawn will probably want to sell the house. I mean…”

“Would you stop practicing your Law and Order arguments on me? Anymore of them
and I won’t wanna live with you. Red will want to live with you because you are
her girl—her rock. You have no idea how much harder everything would be without
you, ya know?” Faith said.

She felt her voice grow thick with some thing and looked down at her duffle bag
and straightened the straps.

“I don’t know,” K sighed, “I think sometimes I am a total pain in the ass. Like
it will be very clear that someone doesn’t want to talk about something, but
I’ll make them. For example, my honey told me that you still have a piece of the
Slayer demon inside you. She said that the only way you could still have a piece
of it was if you fought that spell that old man did.”

“How-how did she know that?”

Faith flinched, but then smiled.

“She’s a goddess. I don’t just date anyone, you know. She can sense everything.
Well, everything magical. If she could sense everything she would know how much
I wanted her living in this house, and she would already be here,” Kennedy said.

“Damn,” Faith laughed, “I guess I better watch what I do. Red’s on the trail.”

“Well, we talked about why you might have fought to keep that little piece of
Slayer demon, after you went into this whole removing of your Slayer power
willingly. I swear, you gotta be the only Slayer in history—“

“It was to stop a bunch of demons from trying to assassinate us, K,” Faith
reminded.

“I can’t believe you need reminding that demons trying to kill you is a major
part of the job,” Kennedy said.

“These were some serious demons and they were going after you guys, too. Plus, I
thought it would stop Spike from trying to burn his soul into me, but that
didn’t quite work out,” Faith frowned.

“Yeah ,and you are fleeing like a sobered-up prom queen in a torn up dress who
just realized what she did. Red thinks that you were really ambivalent about not
wanting to be the Slayer anymore. I didn’t want to tell her how obvious that
was. My girl can be a bit naïve. Remember how long it took her to get the
concept of donut hole snacks? She thought they should at least be invisible.
What I think is that little bit of Slayer demon you kept, is what makes Spike
able to still burn for you, so to speak, and now you feel really guilty. So
you’re running off with the yuppie vamp,” Kennedy said.

“Well, you’d be thinking wrong, the bit of Slayer demon I kept is the only way I
have of saving Spike,” Faith grinned, “And stop calling Angel that, and I’m not
‘running off’ with him. He’s just going to protect me from Spike until this
thing blows over.”

“What do you mean saving Spike? He’s the one that wants to burn that radioactive
light into you and turn you into some bizarro evil Slayer,” Kennedy said.

“Why can’t anyone get this straight?” Faith gritted her teeth, “Spike doesn’ t
want to turn me into an evil Slayer. He has just gotten into his head that he
has to burn his soul into me, and he doesn’t realize what it will do to me. He
thinks he’s helping me.”

“Yeah, sure,” K waved her hand in dismissal, “Spike’s a pussy cat. I know this.
But Faith, you really shouldn’t be interested in protecting guys that want to
hurt you, even if it’s not on purpose. It’s not their motives that matter, in
the end you’ll end up hurt all the same.”

“Motives do matter.” Faith bit her lip, “ If someone is a good person who only
wants to do good, and has done more good than most people will ever do, they
deserve protection and life.”

“Hey, I never said anything about hurting ol’ Vamp Sid. Who else would I go to
strip bars with? Well, I guess there’s Harris and you, but a guy should realize
no means no. And you shouldn’t be risking your life resisting a black magic
spell to protect him,” Kennedy said.

She was uncharacteristically calm. She must have already talked this out with
Red who calmed her down.

“I had to. It was only when I was in the middle of the spell that I realized
that it wasn’t going to work. It wasn’t going to help him or me.”

“Wait, you shouldn’t have done the black forever power-stripping spell at all!
Was that what this whole thing was about? You wanted to protect Spike because
you knew if he made you evil again he wouldn’t be able to live with himself
afterwards? Man, and this whole time I thought it was about you wanting to
please Wood.”

Kennedy was doing her signa sco scowl now. Her pretty olive face made all the
usual angry lines. It was actually sexy. If her angry expression wasn’t sexy
Kennedy would never have gotten Red or any girl in bed.

“No! The purpose of the spell was so I wouldn’t actually go evil after Spike
burned for me. I swear, this isn’t about my soft spot for driving stick,” Faith
explained in exasperation as she nervously licked her burgundy lipstick off.

She wished it tasted liked it looked, like wine, or crushed cherries or even
blood. Blood would be better than the cakey nothing it tasted like.

“It was about what was right, what was best for everyone! Remember why those
demons wanted to kill me? Their prophecy, the scary story that they tell their
kids, is that Spike was going to burn hell into me and then I was going to end
the world. Call me crazy, but I think not being a self-centered murdering
apocalyptic bitch is actually a very empowering goal,” Faith said.

She was too tired to be angry, or do any signature sneering of her own.

“We could have found other ways to keep Spike away from you. I guess you really
want to be around him, huh? Sorry, but I just don’t think that hanging out with
him is worth giving up your power, not to mention risking your life. Especially
since he doesn’t even listen to you when it comes to what you want and what you
know. I mean, it sounds like you were the one that was going to go bad in this
prophecy, because of him. It’s not like he has to give up anything. He should be
listening to you over his own big mouth for a change,” Kennedy said.

“He won’t, and it’s because he really thinks he’s doing what is right. K, I
should really tell you the whole story of what’s going on here. Why I have to go
with Angel, and how I don’t know when I will be back,“ Faith sighed.

“I’d love to know myself,” Robin said as he stood in the doorway with a little
white box. “Look. I have a surprise. Well, two.”

“Geez, you’re like a vamp. Don’t you ever knock or make noise or something?” K
asked him.

“Like anybody would be able to hear me over the blasting stereo,” Robin rolled
his eyes.

He had learned to accept that Kennedy was going to give him shit, and he could
just blow it off. He was so cool. He was right, the stereo was constantly loud.
Now it was playing Ani Difranco. Her “Not a Pretty Girl” album. Faith had
learned enough from Kennedy to recognize all sorts of smart girl punk, while
Faith had given K back knowledge of stupid girl punk, like “L7”. Rich college
girls and white trash girls should unite more often. Not that K had gone to
college, but between her home schooling and the Watcher’s Academy, Kennedy was
more educated than Wesley. She just was never into remembering all that Watcher
stuff like Wes was. Kennedy would say that was what a Watcher was for. K put all
her brains into the things she liked, or didn’t like, for example she didn’t
like Robin. Not since she learned that Robin had wanted Faith to give up
Slaying. In Kennedy’s eyes, Robin had succeeded now that Faith had done the
power-stripping spell. If only it was as simple as boys versus girls, then Faith
would have surely won or lost the battle a long time ago, and it would be over.

“Maybe this is a private conversation,” Robin sighed, “but when your ready to
tell me the real reason why you are mysteriously taking off with the rich
charming vampire for however long, please feel free to let me know. My office
hours are from 10 to 1.”

“10 to 1, huh?” Faith grinned, “Sorry, I’ve been sleeping right past that window
lately.”

“Maybe that’s because of the life endangering spell you did, and the nightmares
it’s been giving you,” Kennedy prodded.

“You don’t look so good either. Maybe running off with the other soul-boy isn’t
a good idea, and you may not have to.” Robin said.

“Gee, Mom and Dad,” Faith laughed, “I don’t mean to make you worry. Look, I’m
bound to have a bit of a nasty hangover from this spell. You play, you pay…and
would you guys stop saying I ’m ‘running off’ with Angel, because the
implications of that are gross. I’m shocked he even offered to keep Spike away
from me personally. I mean, I’m stoked, but still shocked. I thought he was
gonna set me up with some corporate muscle, but this way I can finally pick his
brain and see why he looks so hung-over. Guarding the weak little kitten should
be easy for him compared to whatever it is he normally does. Time off.”

“I just don’t understand what going off with Angel will do, or how it’s any long
term solution. So, I--” Robin began.

“It will do a lot. Angel is the only one that can knock Spike flat on his ass. I
know you guys might not see this, but Angel knows the way Spike thinks… He even
knows the way I think. As much as Spike says he hates Angel, in the end Angel
will be able to make him listen. And as far as long term solutions, Angel will
get those too.” Faith decided this was a good time to start packing her books
into her bag, “He already has people working on finding out if there is any way
I can get my Slayer powers back.”

“When did he do this? Listen Faith, I--” Robin asked as Faith searched for the
only book she really wanted, Harry Potter.

“Oh my god!” Kennedy exmed.med.

“Everyone keep their panties on,” Faith ordered as she looked at her boyfriend
and friend now, “He told me that finding a way to get my powers back is a long
shot, and of course, he would only look into safe ways of doing it.”

“No, not that. I think I finally get it. What’s between you and the yuppie vamp.
At first, I had no clue why you would hang out with him. Yeah, I know he saved
you from going down a dark road from which there was no return and all that. But
you both do that for a lot of people and you don’t have sleep over visits with
them afterwards,” Kennedy said.

“I don’t save—“ Faith began.

“But I get it. He’s your Dad,” Kennedy chuckled.

“Screw you. He’s my friend!”

Faith found she was not too tired to get angry after all. Well, maybe not angry.
She felt something though; her cheeks felt a warmth that made her realize how
cold they had been.

“Look can we get back to the important—“ Robin began.

“To think you say you and I have little actual life stuff in common,” Kennedy
laughed, “About once a year I make sure my Dad takes a break from work. I make
up that I’m having some drama, and he is the only one that can help me. Then we
usually jet to the Caymans and do a little demon hunting there. It really helps
relieve his stress. Is that where you’re going? The Caymans? You should. The
Cayman demons are so slow and stupid even you could kill one in your current
state.”

“Well, unlike you I don’t have to make up a drama. I have ancient prophecies
about being turned into a hell-beast to do that for me. And…I can’t even begin
to express how much you deserve the tossing out of my bedroom that I’m giving
you,” Faith said dryly, but then laughed.

“There is a really great Skate-punk shop you should have him take you to after.
The more demons I kill the more stuff Daddy buys me. Then he brags to the shop
owners that I’m as good as skating as any guy, and then he bets with them on all
the tricks I can do,” Kennedy laughed.

“I’m going to make a safe bet that if you are not out of here in at least thirty
seconds Daddy isn’t going to cough up any Skate trick money this year because
you’ll have no legs!” Faith grumbled.

“Yeah, right with your powerless ass,” Kennedy left the room laughing.

“She’s just what you need in these trying times,” Robin smiled sarcastically,
“to you you over the edge into wanting to kill someone—namely her.”

“Hey, what are friends for?” Faith shrugged with a laugh.

“So, I have a surprise,” he smiled.

“Yeah, I totally saw, dude!” Faith beamed, “I didn’t want to say anything
because I didn’t want K stealing any. Krispy Kream! You never stop rocking.”

Faith took the donut box out of Robin’s hands and set it on the bed. Before she
knew it she was making out with him, with total disregard for all the anxious
crap that she had been thinking about since the spell. She laughed as she felt
familiar juices flow to all the right places. His hands held her hips and their
mouths met just like always. No better, no worse.

There were so many things she wanted to tell him. She had been thinking a lot
since this spell, and she realized as hard as it was for her to go through,
Robin had always been there. He was there when she said that she wouldn’t quit
slaying, and he helped, even though that wasn’t what he wanted. He was there
when she decided to quit slaying, and he helped make it possible. Faith was so
afraid that Alistair would tell Robin the secrets he had seen in Faith ’s mind
when he was doing the spell. But then she realized that even if Alistair did
blab it probably wouldn’t matter to Robin. Faith wasn’t perfect, really far from
it, but she was starting to get that despite that Robin really wanted to be with
her. Robin himself wasn’t perfect either. He had lied about his mother for so
long, and Faith knew that Kennedy had a point about Robin pressuring her to stop
slaying. Faith had learned no one was perfect. Robin was pretty damn close, and
Faith was realizing that even his imperfections were due to the fact that Robin
wanted to be with Faith.

That was what all the wanting her to quit slaying was about, he wanted to be
with her. How could she be pissed off at him wanting that? She’d be a hypocrite.
That was all she had ever wanted in her life too-- something to love. To runaway
to some island or something, like Kennedy got to do with her Dad. Only, even on
Kennedy’s island there were demons. It didn’t matter how much dough you had or
if you were with your father or your lover, or the Champion who saved the world
and you so many times over. There would always be demons, no matter how much
power you had. You could be a Champion, or a Slayer who had not one but two
champs wrapped around her finger, a Champ CEO, a CEO’ s daughter who had Daddy
wrapped around her finger. There was always something bigger than you. A calling
that would burn the life out of you, a spell gone wrong, or a curse. You could
even throw your power away, cast it to the wind; show the world your little pink
belly. Of course then the world would poke at you, hurt you, maybe kill you, and
you still had to worry about monsters—yours and other people’s. But at least
then you wouldn’t take anyone out with you. Faith wanted to tell Robin this. She
knew he would understand it. He was a smart guy. Smarter than her. Maybe she was
afraid she wouldn’t say it right. No, it was more like she didn’t want to upset
him. Some people were so good that they couldn’t take the badness in this world.

Faith might not be a Slayer anymore, but she was still an action, not words kind
of girl. You could take the Slayer out of the girl…or something. Faith just knew
she wanted him bad; too much to care if she really did suck in bed now, or to be
scared off by him because he was so much stronger than her now, bigger. He was
almost a foot taller and he was definitely twice as broad. She always liked them
all, the tall, the short, the narrow, the wide; they could even be a little too
fat or thin, as long as it seemed like they had a kind of strength, a fire
behind the eyes. She used to like them strong like that because she knew, or she
thought, she would always be stronger. But it didn’t really matter, did it? A
little old man whose ass she could probably kick now had mind- fucked her with a
spell. Of course, she couldn’t complain, especially to Robin who had made that
spell possible to help her. What mattered was how good a man was, and Robin was
good. He would never hurt her himself, not even if it was for the greater good.
And knowing that made her want him beyond any fear.

She stripped his clothes off like the hungry animal she had always been, even
before slayage, and after things had happened to her, things that only she and
some other animals and now Alistair knew. A normal girl, a smart girl, would
hide after those things happened, but not Faith, she reached out for the touch
of men. She was like a little now now to the flame. Faith sought out the flame
in men with nothing- no power- before she was a Slayer. The seeking was the
power she had. She made it out of her stupidity—her freakishness.

“You’re so cold,” Robin said as his hands rubbed down her back to take off her
bra.

“Yeah, but I’ve warmed up to you,” saidsaid and then she licked down his chest.

Faith went to work with all her mad skills, assuring herself that she still
indeed had them. The only thing s she may have done differently was kiss him
dizzy and cling to him for support while she was riding him. She knew he could
take that. He might not be able to take hearing all the things she wanted to say
about life and death and sacrifice, but he certainly was strong enough to take
the weight of her. He certainly wasn’t complaining and neither was she.

“Mmm. You’re magnificent,” he whispered, as he was out of breath.

She had crashed down on top of him. That was something that was knew too. She
felt her eyes sting with bitter relief that the ugliness of that nasty-ass spell
had not affected her ability to do what she did best. She still had the power.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

Faith rolled off of her boyfriend. He was sharp. He realized that she was
clinging to him harder and longer than she probably ever had. She had to be
careful, so he wouldn’t wig out over her.

“Five by,” she assured smiling, “I was a little wigged with the whole slaying
and sex fusion, ya know.” She had her arms around his neck.

“Come again?” he asked with a raised eyebrow and a smirk.

“Well, yeah that was one of my worries,” she laughed, “But I did, you did. It’s
all-good in the house, yo. Before I became a Slayer I never did.”

She darted up to get the box of Crispy Cream Donuts. She ignored her head rush
when she did this, and how tired she was.

“I highly doubt that had anything to do with not being a Slayer. You were so
young,” he said.

“Dude, I thought you were a hip Principal. Most kiddies are doing the screw, and
those who aren’t wanna be. I think I had most of my boys before I was 16. So,
lack of coming again, or coming at all, wasn’t due to a lack of trying,” she
said as she put a donut in her mouth.

“There were a lot, huh?” he frowned.

“I don’t know, babe. I only ate one. You’re the one that bought them,” she said
and took out a donut and tried to stick it in his mouth.

“No,” he shook his head.

“I know, I know. This is why I get crumbs in the bed, and it’s nasty. Don’t
worry if they get on you I’m sure I’ll be happy to clean them off,” she rolled
her eyes.

“No,” he smiled sadly now, “I meant lots of men. You’ve slept with lots of men.”

“Boys,” she shrugged, “I slept with lots of boys. I made sure I never slept with
any men, until I found a good one.”

Faith licked his ear, and he pulled her closer. She even got him to take a bite
of donut.

“Oh no,” she said, “Crumbs in the bed the world is falling into chaos.”

“Well, it kind of is,” he said dryly, “The Hellmouth has been reopened. Spike is
insane and after you and you are running off and hiding with Angel.”

“You forgot that I don’t have any more Slayer power, hence the wuss-ass move of
hiding behind Angel. Otherwise, I’d handle it myself. Despite K’s inept Psych
101 analysis, hiding behind a guy is not really my thing,” Faith sighed.

“I know,” Robin sighed, “So, why are you doing it?”

“Um, didn’t we just go over this in class?” Faith asked, “Punk vamp insane, well
not insane, misguided, and wants to burn big bad things into me. So enter
Daddy---“

“Oh, so he is Daddy now?” Robin scoffed.

“Okay,” Faitld hld her hands up, “I don’t know what is more disturbing. The fact
that I am calling Angel ‘Daddy’, or the fact that I’m doing it with you naked in
bed.”

As she said this she realized her nakedness. Since the spell with Alistair she
did not like to be naked for too long for some reason. She dressed again in her
bra and gray tank top.

“I couldn’t agree more,” Robin said, “That’s why I’ve found a way to have the
good one help with the bad one once and for all.”

“Who with the what now?” Faith’s brow wrinkled in confusion as she slipped into
her jeans.

“My second surprise. It blows the donuts out of the water,” Robin smiled.

“So your second surprise is to get kinky with the donuts. I’m loving it.
Sometimes you have to say ‘screw the crumbs in the bed,’” she grinned and
crawled back on top of him.

“No, would you listen to me for once,” he said softly, “What if I said I found a
way to control Spike? To stop him from hurting you or anyone else ever again?”

“I’d say no more magic. No way, no how,” Faith said as she looked at him with
her head on her pillow.

“What if I said it wasn’t magic, but something else?” Robin smiled sadly.

“I’d say I don’t care how cool a principal you are, you’re never going to get
that boy to take Ritalin. Hmmm…Maybe you could of you convinced him if you told
him it was similar to a speed high,” Faith said and did a cough-laughbo. bo.

A sick feeling came to her in waves, but she was thankful that most of the time
it was at low tide. She kept her fingers crossed that it was a hangover from the
spell.

“Christ, Faith,” Robin scowled, “What does this asshole have to do for you to
realize he needs to be taken out?”

“Taken out?” Faith jerked her head in surprise.

“I don’t mean taken out as in dead. I do realize he’s done a lot of good, and I
am pro-good. However, I am con-stupid-crazy-ass-vamp who wants to burn Hell into
my girlfriend,” he said.

“Me too, we all know I’m hot enough as is,” Faith smiled.

“You’re actually feeling kind of cold. I am not happy with the way the spell
went down. Not at all. It brought back some funky memories of when I worked with
Alistair,” Robin grimaced and shut his eyes like he had a wave of sickness too.

“You mean in the cult? What kinds of stuff did you do? Why would you let Al into
your brain? I mean, he seems like a nice guy now, but I wouldn’t be giving over
my head to anyone unless I had to. Even one made out of rock like mine,” Faith
said this softly as she rubbed Robin’s baldhead.

She really hoped he had not gone through anything like the spell that she went
through with Alistair. He looked mad stressed, and he had dropped several hints
that his past was the thing stressing him. Faith got the message long ago that
Robin’s past was closed. She totally respected that, but now it had been opened
again. Robin had opened a door to the past to help Faith, and Faith knew how
crazy opening those old doors could maku.
u.

“It wasn’t really--- He was never really in my brain. Not that there was that
much in there back then besides rage and Public Enemy songs. You gotta
understand Alistair had broken off with and was against everything that my
virtual father, Bernard, stood for, and I was going through a bit of a teenage
thing. So, the ol’ Brit wasn’t exactly Dr. Dre, but he sure wanted to fight the
power, and he promised me what I wanted more than anything.”

“Really good weed?” She smiled

“No, the vampire that killed my mother. Not that he ever got him of course. He
just used it as the carrot to string me along. Man, what was I ever thinking
calling him? At least you're safe from the demons, well, most of them… But,
don’t think that I’m not livid that it worked out like this. You were supposed
to be safe from Spike with me, not Angel.”

“Hey, I’m not your responsibility, or Angel’s. I’m supposed to be taking care of
myself here,” Faith said jerkily but then softened, “Anything you do to help is
gravy, so don’t stress so hard if it doesn’t work out perfect.”

She learned she could only help with what she was responsible for- for her part
of things. She had nothing to say about the whole Spike thing. It wasn’t her
responsibility. She couldn’t change the past, especially one that was not hers.
She knew this, even before Al-a-non in prison, she knew it, but she still had a
horrible feeling when she pictured young Robin wanting Spike dead more than
anything. She knew what it was like to want someone dead more than anything—not
a good feeling. But she had to work with the present.

“I never really was one for fate, but certain things work out certain ways
because of what we do,” Faith told him, “This time it’s about what I do. No
matter what happens. Tell me that you will remember that …Go on tell me.”

Faith didn’t really like demanding things of Robin. He had already given so
much, but she had to demand that he understood that she was making her own
choices—the right choices.

“I will. I do. I know that you decided to take in that Shadow Demon yourself,
but if I never gave Buffy that book, you wouldn’t have---“ Robin’s voice was
getting choked up.

“Shhh. You gotta chill, baby,” Faith soothed. She had never seen him so close to
tears. He really felt powerless, and she underd hod how that could rip at you.
But what could you do?

“Maybe you should take out those Public Enemy albums again and rage. They’re
cool,” Faith suggested to him.

“No. You have to grow up sometime, Faith. See, that rebelling into darkness
won’t get you anywhere. I learned that the hard way with Alistair,” he sighed.

“I learned it the hard way too. Angel helped me in the end. I don’t know what
exactly is up with Alistair, but I know he loves you like a son. You’re lucky to
have that even if---“

“Lucky,” Robin laughed, “My mother was my world. When I was seven my world ended
and I was taken in by people that looked and sounded nothing like me. They took
me all the way to the other side of the country so I could forget her, so they
could. They didn’t understand why I was so upset. I had the best of everything,
but I didn’t wevereverything —“

“You wanted her, I understand, but at least--”

“I suppose I was screwed from the start even before. I mean, my mother was a
punk-rocker vigilante who screwed a cop. They couldn’t have wanted me,”

“Ah, Robin, you think those people that plan out their two point five kids love
them any more? I don’t. We should have talked like this a long time ago. I think
I finally understand what you see in me. Nikki was into Punk,?”
?”

“Somewhat. Sometimes I think it was just an easy way for her to find the vampire
scum and the idiot kids that they fed on that way. That whole scene really did
end up killing her. How do you think she found Spike, or he found her? CBGBs, I
think it was.”

“Vampires are everywhere, Woody,” Faith snapped. Then she felt bad for snapping.
He was pouring his heart out to her.

“Yeah, I know all walks of life. You are going away with the CEO to get away
from the street thug. Forgive me if I’m less than thrilled. When is it going to
end, Faith? When is Spike going to stop chasing you? What’s he going to do next
if we don’t stop him?” Robin asked.

Faith noticed that he had just called Spike a “street thug” like Alistair had.
She knew Robin may not have blood ties to the Crowley’s, but he was to them all
the same.

“This will end. I don’t plan on hiding forever. I really hope it ends well, but
no matter what, it’s going to end on my terms,” Faith told him firmly.

She wished she could say how it would end. She just knew how it wouldn’t end.
Spike was not going to touch her. He was noing ing to burn that stuff into her
that would turn her back into a murdering bitch.

“I can make sure that happens with no magic, except the magic of money, of
course. I talked to some people, and I know that your friend Angel’s company has
the technology and the money to stop Spike from being a threat to anyone,” Robin
said as some relief crept back into his face.

“You want Wolfram and Hart to buy Spike a plasma TV and a Play Station?” Faithokedoked.

She was sure R wan wanted Angel to watch him with all that surveillance stuff
they had. Angel’s company had better things to do. Besides, if Angel spied on
Spike how would he be any different from the government?

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” Faith continued her routine as she thought
of what Angel buying Spike a PlayStation would be like, “he’d just sit around
cursing at Zelda while he was stuck on level three, meanwhile out in the real
world—Hellmouth city. Angel getting him that car was the way to—“

“God Damn it, Faith! I am so sick of you talking about him like he’s that brat
freak kid that you’ve decided to make your cause so you have an excuse to stay
in these ever-present life-threatening situations. He killed my mother, Faith.
He’s trying to kill you. Doesn’t that mean anything to you or is it all just a
fun game?” Robin snapped

“You think this is fun for me? Sitting here powerless after your Gramps
mind-fucked me? Learning that I was a dupe? You never told me Spike killed your
mother, so I would have someone with power to fight with, so I would be safer.
Everyday you kept your mouth shut, you let me trust a liar,” Faith blurted out
as she shot up from the bed.

“A liar! You’re angry you were trusting a liar, but you were all to willing to
jump in front of a bullet for a nasty little fuck of a mass murderer…and don’t
tell me you wouldn’t. I’ve seen you in the heat of battle. You would have died
for that—that thing, that got off on killing your kind!”

“Of course I would. He’d do the same for me. I could say that if you had told me
about your Mom it would have been different---“

“It shouldn’t have made the least bit of difference. You knew, you knew what he
was, that he had killed, and you--- You were never supposed to trust him, Faith.
You were never supposed to get close to him. If I realized how--- You were just
supposed to use him. He was a fighting tool, a weapon. For the mission, because
we can’t forget about the god damned mission. I thought I did what was best for
the mission by not telling you he killed my mother, but everything is fucked
up,” Robin said bitterly.

“You mean I fucked up, because I didn’t use him like a sword or a stake. I
treated him like a human being, and I shouldn’t have because he is a murderer.”

Faith didn’t yell this time. She said this rather numbly. She felt a wave of
sickness come over her again, that she really wished she could blame the spell
for.

“Well, you have to admit you’d be in a hell of a lot less trouble now. Spike is
good—for the mission, but he’s dangerous. He’s out of control. He killed that
soldier, he threatened to kill Alistair and he’s after you. Can you deny any of
this?”

Robin wasn’t yelling anymore either. He was pleading, or demanding. He stated
his question in a way that she knew she had to answer. The way a Warden asked
when they only wanted to hear “yes” or “no.” His tone was a lot sweeter, but he
still wanted the answer.

“It’s not that simple,” she sighed. She hoped blowing out air would give her
some relief to the tightness in her body.

“Well, we make it simple, then. We make it so he can only do good again. We put
the chip back in his head. I was talking to Wes and he---“

“Shut-up! Wes would never do that!” Faith roared as roserose. “ He was probably
just being polite to you while he was making notes about hrazyrazy you are. How
can you even suggest something like that? Don’t ever bring that chip shit up
again to anyone!”

“I don’t think you’re in a position to be telling me what to do. You are sitting
there looking like hell while he’s out there stalking you. You don’t seem to
have good judgment on this, so I’m stepping up,” Robin was speaking much more
quietly than she was, but he seemed just as pissed.

Faith was surprised. She had never yelled at him that fiercely before. She may
have gotten pissed off at him, but she made sure she didn’t treat him like her
other lovers, because he had earned better treatment. But she wasn’t just
surprised at herself, she was also surprised with him that her anger seemed to
have no effect on him. She was surprised and pissed.

“Oh, I don’t have good judgment? Well, guess what, I’m also a murderer. So, you
better put one of those things in my head, better yet why not just use me as a
weapon? That was good enough for the Counsel when they were around. In fact,
they decided I was a bad egg and sent some thugs to kill me because I just
wasn’t dying fast enough, and they wanted a new shiny toy. Why don’t you dangle
me out in front of Spike to get him?”

“Faith, please! What you did wasn’t analogous to what Spike did,” Robin scoffed.

“What? Analogous? What does that mean?” Faith demanded. She was too angry to be
embarrassed that she didn’t know.

“It means I’m really sick of you using the fact that you made a mistake as an
excuse to not give Spike what he deserves,” Robin said.

“And he deserves a chip in his head that will eventually kill him? God, I don’t
know why you never went to the Watcher Academy. Bernard must love you,” Faith
grumbled.

Her shock that he wanted to chip Spike was wearing off. She was too tired for
it.

“No, well he said he did, and that’s why he tried to stop me from finding and
killing Spike when I was young. He doesn’t believe in vengeance. That’s why I
went to Alistair, ” Robin recoiled into a miserable sigh.

“Well, you should get away from Gramps and go back to Dad. He sounds better,”
Faith said gently now.

“I have no real family,” he reminded her, and he looked really miserable over
it.

Faith completely understood what not having any real family was like.. She of
all people could understand that better than anyone that her and Robin knew in
this town. She did understand wanting to hurt the person you blamed for that.
But, Faith had learned the hard way that pay back was more of a bitch to the
payer, especially when the person you blamed for everything had gone on to be a
hero.

“Robin, I’m sorry I got so upset, but you have to trust me on this, vengeance
won’t lead you anywhere good,” she told him as she took both his hands.

He might be educated and classy, but Faith realized she could teach him a thing
or two.

“But this isn’t about vengeance anymore, it’s about doing what’s best. What’s
right, and sometimes that’s really not pleasant, but it needs to be done,” he
said.

“I totally hear you, but doing another Clockwork Orange on Spike isn’t what’s
right. It’s not even what’s best,” she saidshe she looked into his worn out
face.

“It’s better than killing him. What’s wrong with making him unable to hurt
people anymore—to hurt you. I can’t let him get you—I won’t. He’s evil Faith. I
don’t care if he doesn’t know it. Evil is as evil does,” Robin broke away from
her as he became agitated again.

What had she said to set him off? She hadn’t meant to.

“He isn’t—“ Faith began as Robin had been yanking on his clothes as abruptly as
he was talking.

“Yes he is, Faith,” Robin grumbled fiercely.

He stood up. He'd said her name like it was something sickening him.

Faith jumped up. There was no way she was going to let him leave like that.
Faith knew when she was doing a storm-off she wanted to be stopped. She didn’t
know what had made him so suddenly full of rage. Maybe her style was rubbing off
on him.

“Just chill. Spike isn’t gonna get to me. There are so many things I wanna tell
you bu--”

“He’s already gotten to you. The way that you’re acting, it’s like you want it.
You think him burning you will be analogous to one of your conquests?” he
yelled.

"Let me explain what that means in terms you can understand. What I’m really
asking is why are you acting like death’s stupid whore? You want me to sit back
and let it happen, and I won’t!” Robin shouted now.

Faith was reeling. Robin was right to assume that she didn’t understand that
whole “conquest analogous” thing. She really wished he would stop using that
word, but she heard other words that she knew. Had he just called her a “whore?”
Then Faith heard a thud and then a crumbling. She thought it was the very air
around them, some kind of sonic boom. She had never heard Robin get that angry.
She knew that when some magical people got angry enough the air around them
changed. Maybe Robin had some of that magical stuff in him from being raised
near it.

“I won’t do it, Faith,” he said her name like it was a tragedy now. Something
that was breaking his heart.

Faith reed ted that all that had happened was that he punched the wall. He
looked horrified at his own fist, like he had just hit a person or hurt the poor
defenseless wall. He had hurt the wall. There was a huge hole in it, but it was
nothing that Faith hadn’t seen or done a million times before.

“Hey, Woody. It’s five by five. It’s just a wall. You just need to take it down
a notch,” she said softly as she grabbed a hold of his arm.

“No it’s not. I’m losing it, Faith. los losing my grip. I’m just trying so hard.
I’m trying so hard to make everything right for us. And what am I doing? I’m
letting Alistair back into my life. I’m- I’m saying cruel things to you. The
more I try to make everything right the more wrong I go,” and he seemed to
crumple as he sat on the bed.

“I know exactly how you feel, baby. Don’t worry I can take all you throw at me.
Just don’t do it near my head, because that would land me in the hospital now,”
she smiled weakly.

“Oh, oh God! That was kind of close to you. I’m sorry. I can’t do this, Faith, ”
his voice was shaking.

She didn’t like this. He was always so steady—a rock. He just said he was losing
his grip. Faith didn’t realize rocks had to have grips too.

“Hey, it’s okay. I know you aren’t that kind of guy. Simesimes when people are
under stress they lose it. Believe me I know, but I also know you’d never hurt
me,” she said.

“No, I mean, I think it is good—best—if you do go off with Angel, and you keep
away from Spike… and me,” he sighed.

“And you?” she laughed, that was just stupid, “Look, don’t be like this. I don’t
know if I have the time. I’m used to people calling me stuff and hitting walls,
it’s life. Just don’t mention chips and mind control and we’re golden.”

“No, look, I love you, but…but I realize this will never be over. There’ll
always be a part of you that’s addicted to it,” he shook his head.

She felt like she had done something wrong. “Addicted to what? Because you’re
the one that sounds like you’re high now. It is almost over, I swear. One way or
another it’s gonna end soon with Spike’s healing light. I really hope we all
come out on top. I need you there with me, no matter what happens. I want you to
understand that I’m doing the right thing,” she assured him.

“I don’t think Slayers are about doing the right thing. I think you’re about
being addicted to the danger, and it’s tearing me apart. I have to let you go,”
he said.

“To Angel’s, yeah, but this would be a really bad time for you to take a
brooding break. You need to come with me…You can go to work and then on
Saturday---“

“No, I mean I have to let you go,” he said miserably and firmly at the same
time.

“You’re dumping me?” she gasped. She felt a door from her past open too and all
these dull nails came pouring out, and scraped in her abdomen and her throat.

“I just think we should be apart,” he said.

“There’s no diff right? That’s just a nice way of saying ‘yes’, right? You gotta
help me out a little. Usually when people broke up with me there was
name-calling and wall punching. Can we go back to that?” she asked hopefully.
nev never occurred to her that he would leave—not now. Not after that bad fight
they wherwhere she had gotten mad and threw the soap. Faith thought she was too
dangerous for him, but now that she was no longer a Slayer, how could she be? It
was what he had wanted, so why would he leave now? She'd tried so hard. He told
her he would surprise her, and he had. He was this guy. This guy that didn’t
want anything from her, or this guy that wanted more than sex. She had finally
believed it. She realized how much she had been counting on him to be there at
the end of this showdown with Spike, how much she was counting on him to
understand. And now….

“That’s why I’m leaving. I wanted to show you that a guy could be nice, and if I
can’t do that I don’t deserve to be with you. Why on earth would you want to go
back to wall punching?” he gave her a look like she was nuts from under all his
grief.

“I think I find it less painful. How can you say you love me--- Are you trying
to give me a thing? Like if I give a thumbs up to the Chipping Spike plan you’lstaystay with me?”

“An ultimatum? No, I wouldn’t give a shit about Spike if I knew he’d leave you
alone. But I guess I would stay with you if you wanted to give up the mission,
if you left this place with me,” he gestured to the room as if it was as easy as
walking out of it to leave Sunny D.

“Well, we couldn’t. Spike would come after us,” she reminded

“Ah, but there you go, if he had a chip he couldn’t hurt you,” he smiled weakly.

Faith shuddered at the smile. Faith had never really seen the chip work, but
Spike had told her about it. It was a jail inside your mind that controlled you,
but let you stay evil in that mind. Faith would rather be dead.

“Well, it wouldn’t work because number one he doesn’t think he’ s hurting me, he
thinks he’s helping me and number two Angel would never agree to doing that to
Spike. I know they talk smack about each other but---“

“You said this thing with Spike would end? When it ends, then would you leave
here with me?” he asked. He sounded like a Principal that was asking if she had
a joint in her back pocket when he already knew the answer, and didn’t want to
hear the line of bullshit.

“Well, I don’t know if it’s going to end in a way where I could make that
choice. I promised Angel I’d look after Connor and Connor---“

“Is not a kid. Not really. You’d been on your own for years by the time you were
that age,” he sighed. He was no longer looking at her.

”Baby, I was in jail when I was that age. I can’t let Angel’s son go down that
path…even if, even if I’t h’t have a lot of time to set him straight,” suddenly
Faith smiled. She had an actual idea. “Why don’t--- why don’t you help me,
Robin? You can help me. You work with kids. We can go to Angel’s and sit down
and try to get the kid to talk to his Dad.”

This was a way she could set all her worries at rest. She had to make sure
Connor would be okay before all this crap with Spike really took off. She had no
idea how she was going to do it. She really should have thought to involve
Robin. He could charm a teenage snake out of a bottle. She was stupid to leave
him out of the whole Connor thing. Maybe when he helped Connor he would realize
how important the mission was, how important Robin himself was.

“Good-bye, Faith,” he said bitterly. Faith’s chest sank. She knew when someone’s
mind was made-up. It just took her a little bit longer because she never thought
she’d hear it from him.

“So, that’s it,” she sneered and made herself look at him now after she had her
eyes darting everywhere else.

“I guess so, but, I understand,” he sighed.

What? He understood? Of course he did, he was the one ditching her!

“Good, because I fucking don’t, but you were always smarter,” she said coolly.
It was almost easy to go back to treating him like everyone else. “I get it now.
Analogous like analogy, those things on that test for college. A nice guy is to
being apart, as an asshole is to dumping…They feel exactly the same.”

“I’m sorry. We’ll talk when you come back to town,” he said.

“If I can,” she said.

“Yeah, you might be busy with the mission,” he said with his head drooped down.
His hands in his pockets.

He looked so worn out. Faith realized all too suddenly that she was the one that
had done this. She had worn him out. But it wasn’t fair! She had tried. She
wanted to ro hio him and ask him what else could she do. What else did he want
her to do? She could handle anything, nothing would shock her or hurt her. She
was the Slayer… but, she wasn’t the Slayer anymore. He hadn’t wanted her to be a
Slayer and now she wasn’t. But if Faith asked him what he wanted, he’d just say
the things he already said. Things that she couldn’t do. It wasn’t a question of
not being able to handle them; she just couldn’t do them.

“Yeah,” she said.

End of Chapter 13 TBC…