Therapy

Chapter 14/ Therapy
Disclaimer in chapter 1

Finally Spike has a session***
Spike speech on 'Love' is a direct quote from Lover's walk

Monday evening just after sunset, the bell on the door to Jule's office jangled alerting her to the arrival of her evening appointment, a Mr. William Blakemore. Jule had let him tell her about a time conflict with his job, and then simply set his nighttime appointment.

She walketo tto the reception area, and was taken back by the man who greeted her. He was of average height, about 5'10, well built with no excess weight, about 160lbs but the black mid-calf length leather duster over the soft gray pullover, black jeans and black boots gave him the appearance of a greater stature.

His hair was a startling platinum blonde, combed back and rigid with gel. His face was chiseled, with sharp cheekd a d a lush looking mouth. What arrested her breathing were the eyes of this man.

Long, thick lashes of dark smoky gray, and thick brows, the left one scared, surrounded deep cerulean blue eyes, giving his face the look of a renaissance work. This face belongs in a painting, was her thought.

"Good evening," he spoke with a soft cultured English accent, " I'm William Blakemore. You would be Dr. Thalia?" He offered his hand.

"Yes I am, but you can call me Jule." She shook his hand.

" And what type of Jewel are you, luv, opal, emerald or a diamond?" he queried.

" It's short for Julianna. Mr. Blakemore. Shall we move into the office?

The two walked in and sat down.

" So pet what did the handshake tell you?"

" First, You are a vampire, a rather old one for Sunnydale, I doubt your name is Blakemore and you're experiencing severe emotional troubles in your life right now." Jule responded.


" Right on all counts, I've been a vampire for 122 yrs, and I am known as William the Bloody or Spike. Blakemore was something I pulled out of thin air. I was read Blake when I called you; I suppose that's as good a reason as any. I am here to figure out what to do with myself."

"What would you prefer I call you?" Jule asked.

"Spike'll do," He answered.

"Ok Spike, why don't you tell me what you see as your options, and what has you so upset."

"First things first. This goes no further than us right?" Spike asked.

"Client therapist confidentiality, no one knows but us."

" Good," he sighed and settled back in his chair, " What do you know about me? I've heard you worked for the Watcher's Council."

" Well your bio is that you were turned in 1880 by Drusilla the Mad, were part of the 'Scourge of Europe' and have slain two slayers. The Initiative implanted a microchip that inhibits violence against humans. So you are no longer a priority on the list."

" I see you've done some homework. I came to Sunnydale after The Master death. I had plans you see."

" First I killed the 'Anointed One' and I was going to bag my third slayer so Dru would be healed and burn the town to the ground."

" You said you 'had' plans." Jule probed.

"Those all changed the moment I saw her. She was 'dating' Angelus. He was in love with. I. I thought I would finally score against him if I took his girl away." He snarled.

" I thought, --well isn't he your grand sire?"

"Soddin' Poof, He gets a soul and bam he's gone. Left me with the bitch and Dru to look after."

" Figured I'd get a little of me own back, cause him some grief, but ...the best laid plans." Spike hissed.

" What happened to change your plans?" Jule was curious.

" She is unlike any slayer, any human, I've ever seen. There's an inner fire, a glow of power, like an archangel would embody." Spike stared off as he continued.

" Decided to test her, to learn her strengths and her weaknesses. She had a support system of family and friends. The others were alone. They had no one but their Watcher."

"Um, I see" Jule gazed at him.

" I found the ritual to restore my dark princess, it required the blood of her Sire. That would be Angel the slayers sweetheart. So to insure that we would be successful, I hired the Taraka to take care of her." He stared at his feet.

"But bloody hell, if this tiny little slip of a girl, all 5 foot nothing and 100 lbs of her, defeated them and interrupted the ritual. We fought, god it was a beautiful dance. She defeated me again." He chuckled.

" Dropped a church pipe organ on me and left me in the fiery ruins of that church."
A soft smile lit his face. " My plum saved me, she brought me back to our lair to heal, the ritual had worked she was strong again."

"Dru had decided to resurrect 'The Judge'. She wanted to destroy the slayer and everything on the hellmouth. I wanted to make her happy. So I agreed."

"That was what I told myself, it was for Dru. Figured she forget about it and be off on another scheme. Deep inside I knew the slayer would win, if it came down to it. I wanted to watch her dance."

"When you say 'Dance', what exactly do you mean?' Jule asked.

" When she fights, it's a thing of beauty, pure poetry in motion. A petite golden child that weaves and sways like a reed. She looks so frail and so fragile like fine bone china." He swallowed.

" And her mouth, there are always quips, and pun, that are as lethal as her hands and feet."

"In her very core she as strong as tungsten steel. She is truly a diamond, hardest material known in the world and just as beautiful, with a fire burning in her soul that shines through." Spike seemed to drift off in thought.

"You admired her."

"Exactly. Then it all came apart. Angelus returned. If Dru is 'mad', Angelus is psychotic. Buffy broke the gypsy's curse, she gave him true happiness, and his soul was lost." Spike's face looked like a thunderstorm.

" A vampire is driven by bloodlust. I enjoyed the hunt, and the feeding. The old Angelus had tried to prove to the world the he was a man of 'culture'. He created 'art' posing his kills and such." Spike rumbled.

Spike shook his head, "But the new Angelus--- God he was a twisted wanker. I am a Master Vampire, just stuck in a wheel chair waiting for my spine and legs to heal. Dru and I had been together for nearly a hundred years."

Bitterness wrecked his shoulders, " I know what I endured at Angelus and Darla hands as a fledgling, and I knew what he had done to my sweet plum. He had systematically driven her over the edge before he turned her."

Anger flared in his eyes turning them golden, " The physical torture after she was turned. Here he was trying to do the same thing to Buffy. Tearing away her friends and family one by one, waiting, drawing it out."

"He thought because Dru was ready to help him play, he was in control. Nothing I said made any difference. Slayer destroyed 'the Judge'. One shot. Blasted him to kingdom come." A grin flitted across his face.

" The ponce went too far, he murdered and posed her watcher's girlfriend. That stirred up a hornet's nest. Between the watcher and the slayer our lair was destroyed along with half of my minions." He fairly growled.

" He went completely barmy, decided to raise 'Alcatha' was going to destroy the whole world. Bollocks! Never was one to think. If you destroy the world, what are you going to eat? Where are you going to live?"

"I know I have a one way ticket to hell when I'm dusted. I don't care to go any sooner."
Spike stated. " That was when I realized I had to work with the slayer. I like the world as it is. She was doing her damnedest to keep it safe for us all."

" The deal was I'd help her defeat Angelus, then Dru and I would leave, never to return. At least that was my plan. But again the world turns and plans change."

"My princess and I were in Brazil, she blamed me for the lose of her 'Daddy', she claimed I wasn't evil enough for her anymore. It was the slayer had made me soft. She left me for a Chaos Demon."

Spike sighed softly, " I came back to Sunnyhell, I figured take out 'Angel' but I decided to get the little witch to work a love spell, from here it would be stronger than normal, and Dru would come back to me."

"Just a quick run in, do the deed and out again. But again Buffy changed all that. Angel was helping her, and they were so busy fighting their attraction to each other, saying they were just friends. I just had to tell them what love really is." He smirked.

He closed his eyes and said, "You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood...blood screaming inside you to work its will. Then I said, I may be loves bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it."

Spike chuckled, " I never did get a 'love spell' I decided to go get Dru and prove to her just how evil I was. Worked for a while."

"But Dru was right. I was covered in the slayer. My plum said I tasted of ashes. She left me again, for a Fungus Demon. That was the last time. I had found a manuscript that held the location of the 'Gem of Amara'."

"What is the 'Gem of Amara'? And why was it so important to you?" Quizzed Jule.

" as aas a Legend. Suppose to make a Vampire almost invincible, impervious to sunlight, holy water, crosses, garlic and stakes."

"The manuscript was is Spanish, it described the hiding place as 'El Valle del Sol' or the valley of the sun and as 'La Boca del Infierno' or the mouth of hell." He sighed deeply, " Both are names for Sunnydale. I thought I'd come back get my gem, kill my third slayer, and be off to travel the world."

Chuckling he continued, " Plans change, Iked ked up with 'Harmony' that girl is a waste of good blood. She was all right for shaggin' but God she hadn't any brains. I found my gem, and all cocksure I took off after the slayer."

His eyebrows drew together, " I was following her at University, and heard that she's been played by some frat boy. He'd used her for a one-night stand. I was furious. I didn't know why. Why did it hurt to hear that?"

"Of course she kicked my ass right proper. And she took my gem. She sent it to the ponce in L.A., and I went to get it back. Again big mistake, not only lost the gem, lost any chance of makin' peace with the poof."

" I had had it, I was going to kill this girl. She had taken everything from me. It left me so .... unled,led, off-balance. My demon was screaming for her. Just how stupid can a man get?" He shook his head.

" Why do you say you were stupid?" prodded Jule.

" I came harrying back and the soldier boys nabbed me. Fixed me up, they did. A behavioral chip implanted in the cranium. The only chance I had to get the blasted thing out was to work with the slayer and her little friends." He growled.

"I spent a year working with them telling myself I hated her and her chums. But the longer I went without human blood, the more I realized I was lying to myself. I love her and Lil Bit. Not only the human but my demon half loves 'em to." He stated softly.

" You love the Slayer? Why do you think you love her?" Jule asked.

" You think I'm daft don't you? I'm not. I want to be with her, not just sexually, but to talk to, to spenme wme with, to be a part of her life and her world. I want to be her partner in everything."

"Are you talking about marriage?" Jlooklooked stunned.

"God no. She rather die again then marry me." He closed his eyes against the pain.

" William, the man I use to be, was a poet, a hopeless romantic. I was the only son to survive to adulthood, anburiburied my three younger sisters, my father, and my brother. Victorian times you see. Pneumonia, influenza, and consumption, illness the great leveler of man."

"I died for love. The night I was turned, my heart had been broken. The woman I loved rejected me. Completely, she said I was beneath her. I fled the humiliation in to the nighttime streets of London. That was where Dru found me." He looked into Jule's eyes.

" I was such a sad little toff. I wanted to be accepted, approved of, to belong so badly, that I changed myself into Spike. To gain Angelus respect and Dru's 'love'."

He looked dejected, " I still carry the rage I felt at being the laughing stock, the whipping boy. Both as a human and as a fledgling."

"You say you still carry rage, is that what you want to work on?"

" To large degree, but I'm still taking the crumbs that are thrown my way. Last year before she died Buffy had begun to treat me like a man, a member of the team." He pinched the bridge of his nose.

" The night she died, I vowed to protect Bit until the end of the world. I was in love with Buffy by then, I had told her, and she had blown me off. But I believed that if I stayed the course and could show her that I was more than a demon...." His voice faded away.

Jule sat and waited.

" But then she died, there I was staring at her body. It lay broken and lifeless on that pile of bricks. I couldn't move, I just wept. If it hadn't been for Bit, I'd have burnt that morning."

" She pulled me out of the sun. The two of us just sat there and cried, rocking and hugging one another. I realized Buffy had given me a gift. She had entrusted me to protect the most precious thing in her life."

"The rest of the gang handled the funeral and all the mundane minutia of life. My job was to help Bit heal and live her life. If she hadn't been there I'd have gladly met the sun."

"For 147 days I did what she wanted. I was there for my Nibblet, and was part of the gang. I began to think I belonged."

"Then Red, the demon girl, Tinkerbell, and the bricklayer worked some serious mojo to bring her back. God, I was so torn when I saw her come down the stairs." His blinked his eyes desperately.

His voice cracked, "This was Buffy, my golden goddess, the only sunlight in my undead life. But at what cost? There was a brittle hollowness to her, still is, but not as brittle now. I knew that the Powers couldn't have been cruel to her. I was in hell with her dead, but I knew she was at peace."

" When I looked into her eyes she was so lost, so confused, it was as if her soul was bruised. What had this bunch of children done to her? The sods had left her in her grave to dig her way out. She found me a few days later and confided to me that she had been in heaven, and they had torn her out. Thrusting her into a world of harsh light, sharp edges, and violence."

" I know my heart is dead, it doesn't beat, but it broke for her. I wanted to take away all her pain, to keep her safe, to wrap her in my arms and protect her, but she wouldn't want that." He murmured.

" How do you know she wouldn't want that?" Jule softly asked.

" Bloody hell, I'm a vampire, she's the slayer. She's told me often enough." He barked,
" And she doesn't want me around Bit anymore."

" She's told you that?" Jule was perplexed.

"Repeatedly."

"The first month or so, she'd come to me, come to my crypt, and just talk, just be there with me. She was like a person in shell shock; I guess they call it PTSD now."

"We patrolled together, we still do. And we would talk. Then the whelp summons Sweet to town, and we did a big truth sing."

" Bollocks, I 'sang' that she was using me because she didn't want her mates to know. I told her she was hurting me, my love for her was real and growing, either face it or let me rest in peace." Anger flashed across his face.

" But in the end she told them all about being in heaven. She was dancing and starting to burn. The fools all just stood there. I stopped her, and asked her to live, so that at least one of us was living."

" They started with the big closing number, and I left. She ran out after me, and that was when she kissed me. Not some peck on the cheek, but a passionate, deep, emotion filled kiss. Then she ran away." He looked confused.

" Did it end there?" Jule asked.

" No, about a week later, Red mucked up a memory spell. Was the second time that Red's spell had brought us to the very edge of an affair. The first time I asked her to marry me and she said yes, course it was all the mojo. After it was all over and her watcher left, she kissed me again at the Bronze without the magics. This one was even more intense, but again she fled into the night."

He wiggled in his chair, " When the Nerds stole the diamond from the museum, she and I were arguing, and she hit me, I don't know why but I hit her back. It had been the pattern with us. The chip didn't work. I felt no pain."

" I checked it out, couldn't hurt any other human, I had robot boy run a diagnostic on it. Its still works, just not on her. I confronted her; I said she'd come back 'wrong'. I know I said it all badly."


"I wanted to let her know that the lack of emotions she was suffering may have been because of the spell. But my anger got in the way. I wasn't angry with her, but with her chums." He sighed.

" I wanted to shake her out of the stupor she was living in. She looked like a trapped animal. She was so afraid. She lashed out. We had a real rough and tumble. We actually knocked down an old building with our fight."

"I told her she was afraid to let me in, she was afraid I'd hurt her. She couldn't face what I was saying and she kissed me, Her passion and mine ignited. We had wild, passionate, almost animalistic sex, all night, toward dawn, I made love to her." He sat with his emotions open.

"Sunup and she was desperate to run away, I lashed out verbally I said that vampires got her hot. Will I never learn to shut up? I wanted her to stay. Explore what we had done, and where we were headed."

"But she --- she said I was a convenience; I lashed out with 'I was only useful when she had an itch to scratch'. She said, I was a vile, evil perverted thing, a monster, not a man. I snapped back with 'I may be dirt, but you like to roll around in it' and she ran away." Like a broken man he slumped in his chair.

" We still patrolled, but when we talked it's stilted. I didn't dare push her; I was so frightened she'll break. If I'd stepped wrong she'd have done an uninvited on the house, that can't happen. If Nibblet needs me I have to be able to help her." His eyes were haunted.

"I saw just how far she'd pulled away from her friends. Red was dealing with Rack, and she got Nibblet involved and bloody near got her killed. Buffy just left the poor girl lying there in the dirt, broken and weeping. I had to push to go help her 'best' friend." He whispered.

" She's had me scared. The nerds turned her invisible, didn't even try to figure it out. She came to me for more sexual olympics, saying she was free of life finally. I threw her out."

"If you love her why didn't you want her there?" asked Jule.

" It hurt to see her using our affair to hide from her life. It had to be a secret, She'd told me if I told anyone she'd kill me, and she meant it." He continued, "Then she took this dead end, life sucking job. It was killing her slowly, and she wouldn't let me help her."

" She was on a destructive path, and I didn't know how to reach her. The only time she was alive, feeling any emotion was while we were having sex or when she was in a slaying rage."

" I thought I was starting to reach her; we were beginning to have conversations again, especially after the sex. She was beginning to let me make love to her, to play the silly games lovers play."

He grimaced as if in pain, " Then that girl got killed. We tangled with a couple of Rwasudi Demons, and the girl was killed. She blamed herself. I knew she couldn't have done it. But she was determined to turn herself in. I hid the body, and tried to stop her."" I " I confronted her, in the alley by the police station. I pushed her to a rage. I told her to put it on me."

" Put what on you?" Jule asked softly.

" Her rage, her pain, said I'd take it all. I love her. She did. I ended up with 6 broken ribs, 2 black eyes, a broken nose, and my jaw broken in 3 places, as well as a concussion. I just let her whale on me. I thought she'd let go of all she has bottled up."

"Did it work?"

" No, She called me a thing, a disgusting thing, with no soul. Said I couldn't love, I was a monster. That she could never be my girl." He nearly wept.

" Then I found out that she's abandoned Dawn, she's withdrawn so far that Nibblet is attracting 'Vengeance Demons' and stealing. It was eating me up inside. What do I do?"
He plead with Jule, " I've backed away from my Lil Bit to give Buffy time with her, and now I find out Dawn needs me as much or more."

" But this last week--- Buffy came to me and asked if we could 'try tenderness'. I was stunned. She spent the whole night with me, in my arms." He glowed.

"She talked about letting go, that her mates were on their own. Her only responsibilities were Nibblet and slaying. She was ready to live her life for herself." He cleared his throat.

" She even told Bit that we were seeing each other. Nibblet was happy that Buffy had been with me instead of running from her. We had a Saturday night 'date' of sorts. The Summers women and I watched videos." A smile like sunshine bathed his face.

" Buffy and I patrolled that night, and then she invited me to spend the night with her, in her home. Bit made us breakfast, and then spent the day at her chum's house so that Buffy and I could be alone." His eyes sparkled.

" It looks as if you did 'stay the course' and achieve your goal." Jule said.

"Yes and no. How much do you know about vampiric rites?" He hedged.

"Just the basic sire childe bonds, claiming of human minions that's really all." Jule answered.

" There is another type of claiming. It's to claim a mate." He drew a deep breath, " And it is extremely rare."

" Oh, why I am nervous?" asked Jule.

" You're not alone. Mating claims are, as I said extremely rare between vampires, but I have only heard of two cases involving a human and vampire couple." He shivered in his chair, " This is why I am so confused. You see...."

Spike was almost vibrating in his seat as he continued, " The wording of the mating claim is; 'When two shall exchange blood and make their claim, and accept them whilst in consummation, they are mated well and truly for all times, even beyond this earthly plane.' Do you understand what that means?"

Jule looked at him nervously, " I believe I do. Why are you asking me?"

"Friday night Buffy claimed me, in the climax of her 'tenderness' she reached up and bit me hard enough to draw blood then she claimed me. I didn't reciprocate. I didn't think she understood what she had done." He ran his hand through his hair. " The Mating Bond usually empowers the claimant with the ability to read and feel the others emotions."

" I explained it to her Saturday night when I realized that she bonded me to her. I let her know that I was willing to deny the claim if she didn't want it." Spike tugged at his lip.

" She's says she's not sure what it is we have, but she never wants me to leave her. She's so afraid everyone she's ever counted on, ever loved has left her. She renewed the claim Saturday, and I accepted. Now I am hers. But instead of her reading me and knowing what I feel, I feel what she feels; I share her emotions, her wants, and her pain. And I'm terrified."

"Is this emotional bond two way?" Jule stammered.

"No. I'm the only one that has it. Or so she says. But I want to claim her, so badly. It hurts to want something this much."

"Does she honestly know what she has done?"

" I told her that it was eternal, I stressed it. I volunteered to negate it. She made a point of assuring me that she wants me in her life, she was pleading with me to never leave her." He closed his eyes and took several slow deep breaths, " This is what I have searched for my entire 148 years on earth as a human and as a vampire. Someone who wants me, but I am not sure she want the real me, all of me."

" If my chip fails, and I go mad then she has to stake me or she decides she wants a child, or someone who will age with her, and she cast me out. I don't know, I am sure that this is 'the Powers' way of torturing me, extracting payment for having her back."

"Spike 'the Powers' are never that vicious. I think we both need to search the archives and see what the ramifications are and if it is possible to negate it. Do you want to?"

" No I don't, not now. I need to take this slowly. I can't push her. I want her to love me, all of me vampire, man, demon, and poor romantic fool that I still am. Just the way I love her." He murmured.

" Spike, We're way beyond our time for tonight. But you need to talk this through, I'll be happy to see you again tomorrow evening. Is that Ok?" Jule asked.

"Right, I see you after sunset, I'll see what I can find in Rupe's books" he stood slowly.

Jule walked him out of the office, and gave him a much-needed hug.

Spike slowly wandered down the street heading toward 1630 Revello Dr. Buffy was waiting to patrol. He felt her nervous energy deep inside his chest.