Quantum Xander II: In Wake of the Curse

Part 13

Xander walked into his apartment and sighed. It had been one hell of a night. After they had left the basement of that house, they had gone back to Buffy’s place. She explained what had happened to Willow and Dawn and then announced that she thought it would be best if Spike stayed there - chained to a wall in the basement.

Xander had freaked. Told her that it was out of the question, that Spike wasn’t some fucking animal to be put on a leash. She pointed out that Spike had attacked him, that he could have killed him. Xander argued that he hadn’t, that he had stopped himself, but Buffy had only shook her head sadly and asked if he would be able to do that with any one else. Xander didn’t have an answer for that. He knew it was the claim that had stopped Spike from hurting him, and that none of the others had that protection. Then Spike himself had sided with Buffy and told him that he was better off restrained where he couldn’t hurt anyone.

Xander had to admit defeat. He set up the cot and drilled the holes to attach the metal rings into the wall. Then he carefully chained Spike’s wrists and ankles before asking if he wanted anything from home. Spike declined the offer but tried to crack a joke about Xander owing him for the lesson in how to properly restrain a vampire. It was a good effort, but neither man felt in the mood for jokes.

Xander hadn’t stayed long after that. He just wanted to go home, shower and fall into bed with a bottle of Jack and his diary. He had a lot of things to work through and desperately needed the clarity his journal provided.

After a short, lukewarm shower, Xander grabbed a bottle from the liquor cabinet and adjourned to his room. He set the booze on his night table and reached inside the drawer for his journal. He brought out Spike’s instead.

For several long moments he just held it in his hand and stared at it. He was suddenly desperate to read it, to see his lover’s handwriting, to read his words. He pulled out the Queen CD and put it in the player on low volume, opened the bottle of Jack and took a good swallow, and then sat back against the headboard. He opened the book and began to read.

When I made love to you - and that is what I did - it was because I wanted to, wanted you. I hope you know that it wasn’t just sex, that I wasn’t using you. I wouldn’t; not you - not ever. I’m not ready to let you take me, but it’s not because I don’t want you, it’s just that I’m afraid. Yeah, that’s right. The Big Bad is afraid. They hurt me, love. They hurt me so badly I don’t know if I’ll ever recover. I hope you can understand that, and that you’ll be patient.

Tears slid down his face as he read. He could hear Spike’s voice, as though he were sitting next to him, reading this to him. He reached over for the bottle and drew on it once again. He was glad it was Friday night and he could sleep in tomorrow because he was sure he was going to need it.

When he got to the entry Spike wrote about the reality where he was married to the Buffybot, he smiled, and then laughed out loud as Spike’s words came to life on the page.

Oh love, where do I start? We just got back from seeing the you and me of this reality. I gotta say, the idea of you married to a robot - a sex bot of all things - just bloody well kills me!

I can understand the why of it, I mean you - or rather the alterna-you - wanted to keep Dawn safe and in Sunnydale, but it’s completely fucking ludicrous, you gotta admit. How much of a wanker was I in this world? Building a shag toy? What, he wasn’t capable of getting a leg over with anything real - human or demon? And how in the hell did he afford it? I mean something like that has got to cost, eh? You’d think he’d put the money to better use - like getting the buggering chip out or something. A Buffybot. A slayer-shaped sex toy. Fuckin’ hell, how pathetic.

I can see it too, him and her - it - together. Probably had her programmed to do all sorts of stupid shit like pretend to stake him and then not follow through cause she “loves” him too much. Probably had her programmed to hate Angel, too. Wanker.

I asked him, the other me, if he and the other you ever messed around with the bot. You probably don’t want to hear it, but they do. Only occasionally though, when the girl is staying over at her friend’s place or something.

I can’t help but laugh. The very idea of you and me screwing a robot together, I mean why the hell would I want to stick my cock into that when I have you? Not to mention the possible fire hazards! Bloody hell, I’d be afraid the stupid thing would short out and crush my bits to pulp.

Could you see it? You, me, and a robot in bed, all sweaty and writhing. Things heat up a little too much and then there are sparks flying everywhere and the very combustible vampire has to hide under the bed while you put the bot out. Not on. I’ll stick with the real deal, ta muchly.

Can’t quite get over the way those two are with each other anyway, though. I mean, yeah, the spell was on Xander and all, but do you really think they’ll work out? They just don’t seem as committed as you and I. Well, Spike is. He’s in love all right, but your other self doesn’t get it. Hope he smartens up before he loses him. But enough of them, no point in wasting time on them when I could be spending time with you love. Love you, Xander.

The tears continued to flow steadily down Xander’s cheeks as he drank and read. The track on the CD changed over to something soft and slow and he hummed along as he turned the pages, lost in his lover’s words. He had to stop and wipe his eyes as he looked at the page in front of him; it was the entry Spike wrote about the first time Xander had been inside him.

I watched you sleep this morning and I fell in love all over again. I even thought to myself about you being my very own sleeping beauty. Pathetic, I know, but that’s what you do to me, Xander; you make the little part of William that still lives on in me come to the surface. I want to be more than a monster for you; I want to be someone worthy of you.

When you woke for me, when you heard that I needed you and instantly woke up… God. I can’t tell you how it feels to know that you will always be there to make it better for me.

The way you felt as I slowly sank onto your cock was amazing. It was nothing like I thought it would be. I admit I was afraid, I never wanted to associate you with the bastards that violated me. I was afraid it would bring back a lot of unpleasantness, a lot of pain that I’ve tried to forget. It didn’t. It felt wonderful, amazing, incredible. Making love to you is so very different from that. I should thank you for giving me back a part of myself that I’d thought was lost forever. You cleansed me, love. With your love, your body, your seed. You made me whole again.

The fact that you allow me total control of how fast and how far things go between us proves to me that you love me, that you mean it when you say you’ll never hurt me. The look in your eyes… My God, Xander. What did a demon like me ever do to deserve a man like you? I have hunted and killed for over a century, love. There are those that would feel everything that Finn and his goons did to me was justified. How is it that you look at me and him and see him as the monster? Sometimes I wonder if I’m not dreaming. If I am, I never want to wake up.

By the time he got to the last page, Xander was very drunk. The bottle was nearly three-quarters empty and the CD player had turned off some time ago. He took a deep steadying breath and looked at the last words his lover had ever written.

I don’t know what we’re going to face tomorrow when we go looking for the Master, but I do know that with you by my side, I can face anything.

Xander wiped his eyes on the back of his hand and clutched the bottle to his chest. He couldn’t help the choked off sobs that were wracking his body. He thought he was ready for this, that it would bring him closer to Spike, if only for a little while. It did - it had - but the price he had to pay was a high one. He felt his heart breaking at each word he read; each letter on the page was another rip in the fabric of his very soul. He missed his mate desperately, and now he was all alone; not even Spike was here to keep him company.

With shaky hands, Xander set down both the book and the bottle. He curled up into a ball on his side and cried himself to sleep. He only hoped he would dream of Spike, that his mate would hold him again and make every thing better.