White Knight's War

The White Knight’s War

Author :~ pixel
Rated: R mostly, but maybe some NC-17 later ~ depends how it goes
Ship: xander/graham/omc
Disclaimer: I own nothing, claim nothing, they all still belong to Joss et al and I’m just borrowing for a while.
Authors Notes 1: Ok this is probably going to have slash, bad language, character death and buffy bashing ~ so if you don’t like ~ don’t read. I don’t have a beta so all mistakes are mine ~ if you point them out I’ll try to fix them. There’s an explanation etc in prologue.
Authors Notes 2: Concrit and reviews always welcomed and appreciated, helps me know i'm not talking to myself here.

Marshmallows And Memories


When Spike finished talking to Lorne, it was late and nearly everyone else had gone to bed. He knew they probably weren’t sleeping; they simply needed some time to process all the stuff they’d learned. After he had heard what Lorne had to tell him he didn’t want to be alone, so when he heard the faint sounds of someone moving round the kitchen, he went looking for company. When he got there he caught the sweet aroma of hot chocolate coming from a pan on the stove and wondered if he could beg a cup. Glancing round he saw Xander leaning against one of the counters, he wasn’t even sure the man had heard him come in as he appeared lost in thought. In the last days of Sunnydale they’d started a tentative friendship, the only male company in the sea of women that had surrounded them, but it had all been on the surface. A few nights in front of the tv, watching crappy movies; and conversations about nothing at all over too much beer. Back then Spike hadn’t cared much, it’d been enough that Xander had stopped wanting him dead, that he’d given acceptance to the vampire’s place in their lives; but that had been a very different Xander.


The man he’d seen and talked to today bore little resemblance to the broken shell Xander had become in the last days before the First. This man had a confidence and maturity that was hard to equate with the babbling boy he remembered. Thinking about the way Xander had talked to him earlier proved how much he’d changed, he’d actually encouraged him to be with Dawn; to take a chance that they could have something. He’d shown that he knew Spike better than almost anyone; that he’d seen past Spike’s, ever present, masks to the man beneath. Perhaps Caleb had been right when he’d dubbed Xander ‘the one who sees’, and he couldn’t help but wonder if that ability to cut through the bullshit that everyone surrounds themselves with wasn’t Xander’s most important gift.


There’d always been a part of Spike that longed for a place to belong; Angelus had tried to beat it out of him, Druscilla had isolated him in her madness, but neither had erased the longing. He’d always surrounded himself with company, from minions to the disaster that had been his fling with Harmony. Even when he’d hated the scoobies, he’d needed them as a balm to stave off his loneliness. Over the years he’d had companions, lovers, and allies; but he’d never had a friend. Perhaps it was time he did, maybe Xander would let him into this world he’d built and give him a place at last.


“So got a cup of that to spare for an old mate?”


“Sure Spike, just grab yourself a mug.”


“Wot you doing all down here alone, thought you’d be safely tucked up with your soldier?”


“Just trying to figure out what the hell I’m doing. They all think that I’ve got the answers and the truth is that I don’t have a clue. Most of the time I’m more lost than they are.”


“You don’t need to know it all, they trust you to make the right call when it counts.”


“That’s just it, for all my big words I’m still not certain I’d be able to do it; what if I screw it up when it counts?”


“No guarantees in this life, you just got to remember why you’re doing this. In the end it’s about protecting them that you love. Always known that there wasn’t anything you wouldn’t do to keep the bit safe.”


“Way too tired for the philosophical crap Spike. Why don’t you tell me what brought you down here, you’ve got a brood on that’d be worthy of your Sire.”


“Talked to Lorne didn’t I? Got some bad news. After I turned up in Peaches’ office I didn’t know what I was here for. Thought I’d done my bit back in the dale, couldn’t understand why I was still around. Almost wound up back in hell courtesy of this mojo guy.”


“Jeez Spike.”


“Yeah, well never happened in the end, and Fred figured out how to make me real again. Got quite a brain on her that one. Sweet too, you’ll appreciate having her ‘bout the place.”


“If she decides to stay.”


“Oh she’ll stay. They all will, even Angel’ll figure it out. They need to get away from Wolfram and Hart and this is as good an excuse as they’re gonna get.”


“Hope you’re right about that, we need all the help we can get our hands on.”


“Don’t see any of them turning their backs on saving the world, not their style. Anyway like I was saying I got me body, but I still didn’t know why I was here. Angel hates having me around, suppose I remind him too much of his Angelus years. He always makes such a fucking big deal ‘bout how the soul makes him different; but won’t accept it’s the same for me. Kept watching all the time, saying I was still a monster; that sooner or later I’d be killing again. Part of it was about Buffy, he’s never gonna get past the fact she told him to give that bloody amulet to me and he’s a tendency to go a little nuts when he has to think about me and her together.”


“Perception’s never exactly been his strong point.”


“You got that right. I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t wanted by Angel or any of his people; but the bastard wouldn’t let me go either. Said I’d been sent to him for a reason and he refused to let me go wandering off, in case he needed me. Buggered up all his plans I did. You see he’s been obsessing ‘bout this prophecy, Shanshu he calls it. Talks about a champion, vampire with a soul, who’s gonna save the world and get rewarded, get made human. Always figured it was about him, then I show up and he has to deal with the fact it might not be.”


“Let me guess, his ego couldn’t stand it.”


“Drove him potty. Then a few weeks ago I get this visit. Fella says he’s a messenger from the Powers, that they sent him to be my Seer. Tells me that I am the one in the fucking prophecy on account of Angel setting up shop with the evil lawyers makes him all unworthy. I grabbed onto it, went out when he told me, saved some people from the local nasties, it all seemed to fit. Even got me an apartment, so’s I wouldn’t have to keep mooching off Angel. Really believed in it I did, thought it was why they’d sent me back. That I had a place that was mine, not borrowed off someone else. Should’ve known it was too fucking good to be true.


Lorne heard me humming along when the Bit was singing, got himself a good read. Saw everything, me and the Seer; wot we’d been up to. Only he isn’t a Seer is he. Turns out he’s a fucking lawyer. Used to work at Wolfram and Hart, ‘til he went a little nuts and took off. He’s the idiot wot brought Darla back that time and it seems that this whole fucking thing was a charade, just his way of getting to Angel. It was all about revenge and I was just the tool he was gonna use to bring Angel down.


Pathetic isn’t it? I’ve been around for the best part of two centuries and I go and get myself played by some pissant lawyer. Was so fucking desperate to believe that I never looked beneath the surface.”


“Not your fault Spike, not like you’re a bloody mind reader. You were just trying to find a purpose. You said you saved some people, so whatever his motives were, at least you know you did some good.”


“Small consolation pet. He probably set them up in the first place, to give me a reason to believe him. And that’s not the worst of it, Lorne reckons he has something or knows something we’re gonna need. That means I’m gonna have to go get the bloke and bring him in, put up with everyone knowing wot an idiot I’ve been. Peaches is gonna laugh himself silly over this one.”


“So ignore him, you usually do. Doesn’t matter what they think, you know why you did what you did. You had good intentions Spike, he was the one who did wrong not you. Lorne’s just full of surprises tonight isn’t he?”


“Saw him track you down earlier, don’t tell me you didn’t like wot you heard either?”


“Well he figured out Giles’ cryptic clues. Saw a fyarl and halloween and a lot of chaos. Ring any bells?”


“Not that fucking mage wot turned the Watcher into a demon? Thought the Initiative took care of that wanker. Only smart thing they ever did”


“Well they did the whole dragging him off in chains thing, but it seems they decided he was all rehabilitated after a while.”


“You’re kidding?”


“No, they patted themselves on the back for making him all better and then they just let him go. So I tell you what, I’ll come with you to pick up your bad guy, if you come with me to get mine. Maybe we’ll stop each other from killing them.”


“Sounds like a plan to me. Won’t that fella of yours want to go along though?”


“Probably, if I told him. But there’s no way I’m letting Ethan Rayne anywhere near Graham ‘til I’m sure he isn’t dangerous.”


“Gonna wrap him in cotton wool are you? Seem to remember you always hated it when Buffy tried to keep you out of the fight.”


“I know, and he’s going to be pissed, again. But at least I could defend myself, he wasn’t kidding about not being able to kill Spike. It makes him a fucking sitting duck. He can hate me all he wants, just as long as he’s alive to do it.”


“I know where to find mine, how about the mage?”


“Amy’s working on a spell to track his magic, can’t be that many chaos mages running ‘round town. Lorne reckons he can narrow the search, let her know when she’s got the right guy.”


“So any other little catastrophes Lorne see fit to tell you about?”


“Just the fact that Amy is apparently on the edge of a nervous breakdown and none of us noticed.”


“What do you mean? She’s never said anything’s wrong.” Both men turned towards the voice breaking into their conversation, and smiled when they saw Dawn slipping into the room. “I can’t believe you guys didn’t tell me you were having hot chocolate.”


“Sorry Dawnie, wasn’t exactly a plan, besides I thought you were asleep.”


“No excuse Xander, now get me a cup.”


“Yes your majesty.”


“Xan, what did you mean about Amy, she’s been with us a lot since we got to Cleveland and I’d no idea anything was wrong.”


“Don’t beat yourself up Dawn, none of us did. According to Lorne she’s having a real hard time with Willow’s memories. She can’t sort out her feelings and thoughts from the ones Willow dumped in her head. And she figured that we all got upset when she said or did stuff that was more Willow than her. She gets caught up in it and says things that she shouldn’t know, about Kennedy or stuff that happened with all of us. Then she feels all guilty about upsetting us and that’s why she’s been keeping to herself so much.”


“I never meant to make her feel bad, it’s just that sometimes she’ll talk about Tara or say something that is pure Willow and it reminds me that she’s gone.”


“I know, it does that to me too. But it isn’t Amy’s fault, so we’re gonna have to figure out a way to make this easier on her.”


“Wes might know something, might be a way to help her integrate the memories.”


“You think? Can you talk to him for us Spike? I don’t want to lose anyone else.”


“Might come better from one of you bit. Not exactly one of his favourite people.”


“Yeah well we treated him like shit back in Sunnydale. We were so scared that if we let him in they’d take Giles away we never gave him a chance. I mean he was a complete idiot back then, but if we’d let him, he might have been a good Watcher. We acted like a bunch of spoilt brats. He seems like he’s changed a lot, and we don’t know him at all now. At least you’ve spent some time with him. Dawn’s right, you’d do a better job of it than we would.”


“I’m glad to hear you think I’ve changed.”


“Wes, well that’s embarrassing, exactly when did you come in?”


“Just around Spike telling you that I might be able to help. You know I’m well aware I wasn’t a very good Watcher when I arrived in Sunnydale, but I never realised how much Giles meant to you.”


“It wasn’t the Watcher thing Wes. You could have been the greatest Watcher on earth and we’d still have wanted you gone. Giles was more than that to us. Buffy and Dawn’s dad took off to parts unknown after the divorce and he hasn’t shown his face since. Not even when we lost Joyce. Willow’s parents never really noticed her, they let her raise herself and they’d go off and leave her alone all the time. Cordy’s parents gave her anything she wanted, but they never cared what she did, just so long as she didn’t embarrass the Chase name. My family never sobered up long enough to even notice I was alive. In a very real sense Giles and Joyce raised us all. They were our parents in every way that counted. You really didn’t have a hope of fitting in, ‘cos none of us would ever risk losing Giles. I know it probably doesn’t help much but it was never about you.”


“Actually it does help. Though I should have seen it for myself, I never took the time to see any of you really.”


“The old council didn’t exactly train you to deal with the likes of the Scooby gang Wes. We kind of burned up their precious rule book.”


“And you helped Buffy last longer than any other Slayer.”


“So if you two are done with beating yourselves up, can you tell us if you can help Amy or not?”


“It won’t be easy Dawn, I can help the memories integrate but that will probably mean that she’ll say and do more things that remind you of Willow.”


“Then we’ll have to learn how to deal. It’s our problem not hers. You know Xander this is a like a proper Scooby meeting now. We’ve got a Watcher and everything.”


“So we do. What do you say Wes, want to grab a cup of chocolate and help us plan?”


“Seems like old times alright, even the chocolate tastes like Joyce’s.”


“That’s ‘cos it’s her recipe Spike.”


“How’d you get that? Always thought she wouldn’t tell.”


“When Anya and I got that apartment she came over all domestic. Wanted to prove she could be a proper girlfriend and stuff. She got Joyce to teach her how to cook and she gave Anya the recipe ‘cos she figured it should be passed on somewhere. And it wasn’t going to be her family not with the way Buffy and Dawn were such disasters in the kitchen.”


“I’m not that bad.”


“Bit, the one time you tried to cook, you set fire to the oven.”


“That was years ago.”


“And last week when you set off all the fire alarms when you were making toast?”


“It got jammed, still wasn’t my fault.”


“Sure Dawnie, just remember you’re not allowed in the kitchen alone. Anyway after Sunnydale I got a letter from Anya’s lawyer. Turned out she had a bunch of life insurance and investments and she’d left it all to me. That’s how I could afford to buy this place. Tucked in with the Will was a letter, and she’d included the recipe. Wanted me to promise to keep making it and to pass it on one day so nobody would ever forget about Joyce.”


“As if we’d ever forget, two strong women like that. Both of ‘em made a hell of an impression.”


“Yeah, but it’s nice Anya thought about it. I think mom would like it; knowing we still sit up like this.”


“Spent many a night with your mum, talking and such. Was a right proper lady, let me witter on about Dru and the chip. Always had a kind word and a bit if time.”


“That was Joyce, she never gave up a chance to mother someone. Don’t know what we’d have all done without her.”


“Did you tell mom about your little adventure in stripperville?”


“Subject change much Dawnie?”


“What? I want to know. I mean I thought we all knew everything about each other and it’s like you had this whole big secret thing. It’s weird, like there’s this Xander I don’t know.”


“Still just me Dawnie, and yes actually I did tell your mom.”


“You did? So how come you never told anyone else?”


“I told Buffy.”


“You told Buffy that you worked one night in a club in Oxnard.” Amy stepped into the kitchen and sat down. Then realising from the shocked look on Xander’s face that she’d said something she shouldn’t have known. “I’m sorry, I’ll just go back upstairs. I can’t believe I did it again. I just heard you talking and it popped into my head.”


“Amy don’t you dare run off. I know we’ve been kind of weird about you knowing everything Willow knew, but we don’t care if you talk about it. Anyway that isn’t why I freaked this time. I had no idea Willow knew anything about it, Buffy promised me she wouldn’t say anything.”


“You’re sure?”


“Of course we are Amy, so did Willow know all about Xander’s adventure?”


“I don’t think so. I can just see Buffy telling her about how Xander filled in for a dancer one night.”


“Yeah, I told Buffy that the night I came back to Sunnydale. She’d gotten beat up by some vamp and was feeling a little sorry for herself and I thought a funny story would cheer her up. I can’t believe she spilled her guts.”


“So how’d you go from filling in, to headliner?”


“Dorien was in Oxnard for a party. She happened to be there when I did what I thought was my one and only show. Next day she shows up at the club again, I was back behind the bar and she asked if I wanted to come work for her. I was all set to say no, when she waved a ridiculous amount of cash under my nose and I thought what the hell.”


“So why the secret? Always thought you told your girls everything?”


“Not that simple Spike. I mean Dorien’s place was a mixed club, demons and humans. I finally figured out that not all demons were necessarily evil, even made a few friends, like Lorne. I just didn’t know how to explain that to Buffy. She didn’t need moral ambiguities in her life, as a Slayer Giles had to teach her that demon equals evil. If she’d started hesitating to check out the intentions of every demon she came across, she would’ve have wound up dead pretty quick. And it was kind of nice, having something that was just mine. That had nothing to do with the Hellmouth or the scoobies.”


“So why didn’t you stay?”


“Wasn’t home Dawn, I missed my family. You know there’s something not quite right with this chocolate, I thought I followed the recipe.”


“Marshmallows, mom always put marshmallows in it.”


“That’s it, Wes there should be a bag in that cupboard behind you. Can you grab them?”


“Perfect. Bit why don’t you take yours upstairs, you look dead on your feet luv.”


“I’m fine.”


“Go on Dawnie, promise we won’t talk about anything important while you’re not here.”


“Fine, I’ll go. Under protest, Spike will you walk me up?”


“ Course I will. I’ll be back in a little while, don’t drink all that chocolate.”


Wes watched Spike take Dawn’s arm and escort her upstairs, he’d expected Xander to object and was surprised to find him smirking at their retreating backs, “You trust him with her?”


“One thing I’m completely sure of, is that Spike would happily kill himself rather than hurt Dawn.”


“But he’s…..”


“A vampire? So is Angel and everyone is supposed to trust him. Lets face it which of them has the moral high ground here. Angel only got a soul because he fed off the wrong girl and pissed off a bunch of powerful gypsies. Spike was trying to help when he was a demon and he went looking for his soul. He fought for it, earned it. I really don’t get why you can accept Angel and follow him and yet think so little of Spike. He willingly gave up his life to save the world, and none of you seem to give him any credit for that. You never even let us know he came back.”


“But I seem to recall that you never liked Angel or trusted him. Yet you seem to consider Spike one of you.”


“The not liking Angel thing, less to do with him being a vampire and more to do with him being a broody asshole who got the girl I wanted. So it was petty and pathetic, I was seventeen, what did you expect. As for the trust thing, well it was kind of hard to trust someone you knew nothing about. Angel used to turn up, do the cryptic warning, make out with Buffy and disappear off into the night. He never got involved, never became a part of our lives. Sometimes I used to wonder if he even saw us. It was all about his redemption and Buffy, the rest of us might as well not have been there.”


“And Spike saw you?”


“Hell yeah, even when he was trying to kill us, he still knew us better than Angel ever did. He understood that we were all a part of the fight and that he’d need to stop all of us, not just Buffy. It was a strange kind of respect really, that he thought it important enough to know all our strengths and weaknesses. Angel or Angelus, didn’t matter which, they both thought we were irrelevant. Spike made himself a part of us. Made a place beyond the demon fighting. You heard Dawn earlier, so you have an idea how much he means to her.”


“Are they…?”


“Not yet. But she’s working on it. I don’t figure it’ll take her long to wear him down. So he’ll be back down in a minute and this is all starting to stray into Dawn’s privacy. So what say we stop with the gossip and start making plans for Ethan.”


Xander, Wes, Spike and Amy began to discuss ways of making sure they could keep the hotel safe from Ethan. None of them noticed the figure detach itself from the doorway, where it had been listening to their conversations. Angel had come downstairs to try and talk to Xander privately. He knew that the two of them would have to find a way to work together if this new alliance was going to work. He hadn’t meant to eavesdrop, but had thought he could just stay out of sight until Xander chucked Spike out of the kitchen. He hadn’t expected the easy friendship that he’d witnessed between the two. Hearing Spike talk about his life since he came back left a nasty taste in Angel’s mouth as he realised how badly he’d treated him. And listening to Xander talk about the differences between the two vampires made him feel ridiculously jealous. He knew it was his own fault, that he’d chosen to hold himself apart, not wanting to get attached to mortals. But he couldn’t help envy the way Spike had made himself a part of a family, and the ease with which the mortals accepted his Childe made Angel realise how much he’d missed out on over the years. Moving quietly to the stairs, he listened a moment longer as they made plans for the next day. He still needed to talk to Xander, but he had a lot of thinking to do first.

tbc…….