All I Need...

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Part 13

“You’re wrong, Sire,” Spike growled, leaning over Angel’s desk once again, golden eyes locked on truly saddened brown ones. “If all of these bleedin’ ‘Primals’ go soddin’ nuts an’ start killin’ people, then Xander’s somethin’ else!”

“Spike, that’s just not poss…”

“Don’t fuckin’ tell me it’s not possible, ya git! Saw him, didn’t I?” The blond snarled, words hissing slightly as they passed sharpened teeth. “He stayed at th’ same bloody Lodge an’ didn’t even try ta snack on anyone! That sound like one of your soddin’ ‘Primals’ ta ya?”

Well, and no. It really didn’t. Still, that was the only possibility that had come up in the search he’d had more than half of his staff conducting. “Maybe… maybe it was self-preservation or something, Spike! Too many people around, so it couldn’t hunt, or…” he shrugged uncertainly.

Another growl as Spike tried to restrain the impulse to throttle the older vampire with whatever might be handy… like a chair. Or the bloody ugly lamp on the desk.

“You’re an even bigger wanker than that hair suggests, aren’t ya, Angel? Told ya! He had that one bloke all separated from th’ herd, didn’t he? Had him outside an’ less than fifty yards from th’ trees! Loads of lions an’ leopards an’ shit there, yah?”

He leaned closer, forcing himself to speak slowly and clearly out of deference to his GrandSire’s obviously slow mind. “Xan could have killed him. Ate him. Dragged his remains off inta th’ forest an’ said he’d wandered off. Not a soul would have thought anything but that one of th’ bleedin’ wild animals got him.” He nodded, entirely sure that was the truth.

“But he didn’t, Sire. He sent th’ bloke away an’ went off ta hunt down a soddin’ deer! Does that sound like someone what can’t control his own impulses ta ya?”

Angel sighed, realizing that even Angelus was confused about what all of that meant. In fact, if Spike hadn’t seen it with his own eyes, Angel wouldn’t believe it. But Spike had. There was no way the boy could be lying so consistently and well, and not about this. For some reason, Xander Harris was important to Spike, and that meant he was important to Angel as well.

“No,” he finally said. “But I can’t believe that there’s some sort of… human-demon hybrid out there that Wolfram and Hart didn’t know about before and that we haven’t come across since the… change in management, so…”

“Fine! Don’t believe me! ‘s not like that’s a shocker, ‘ey?” the blond snarled again, louder. “Ya never trusted me! Not ya, not Angelus! Always thought ‘little Willy’ was too bloody stupid ta do anythin’ or know anythin’ without one or th’ other of ya tellin’ him! Well, I know this, Sire!”

He nearly howled with frustration and anger. “Whatever my Xan is, whatever he’s become? He’s still a good bloody bloke! A soddin’ white hat ta th’ end! Ask yourself this, Angel! If he was a bloody bug-shaggin’ nuts Primal, where are th’ fuckin’ bodies? Where’s th’ reports ‘bout bunches of folks bein’ killed an’ eaten, ‘ey?”

And suddenly the other part of what Angel had said came back to him. “An’ where’s his bloody Pack! Ya said they travel in packs, so where’s his? Was all on his own in Africa. Would have noticed if there was more than one of his type roamin’ around, wouldn’t I? Or do ya think they were layin’ low, too?”

Even his demon had to admit that Spike had made some good points, much as it hated to do so. Angelus really had thought of Spike as the weak link in their little family, and even with all the things the blond had done in the past couple years that proved otherwise, it was a hard habit to break him of.

He sighed and shook his head. “Okay. Okay, Spike. You’re… God, I don’t believe I’m about to say this, but… You’re right, Spike.”

It took a moment for that to sink in but when it did, Spike blinked, human features replacing the demonic ones he’d been wearing. He glanced around the office for another moment or three as though waiting for something.

“What?” Angel demanded, the constant mood swings annoying him almost beyond bearing. “What now?”

Another moment of tense silence and Spike shrugged. “Ya said I was right about somethin’. Figured I’d wait ta see if th’ world was endin’.”

The older vampire growled softly, reaching for his cell phone when it beeped. “Very funny, Spike,” he grated out quickly.

He hit a few buttons, finally figuring out what the beeping was, then opened the text message he’d just received.

Surprised brown eyes flew to his GrandChilde’s and he shook his head, not knowing what to say as he turned the phone, letting Spike see the message displayed on the screen.

‘X in Paris. Fought a Slayer. Have S check e-mail. PD for RG’

Angel swallowed a few times, amazed by the timing, then managed to find his voice. “I assume you’re going to Paris, then…” he said, closing the flipcase of the phone and looking up to meet… nothing.

A few scattered shouts from the hallway outside announced the boy’s hasty departure and Angel almost smiled before remembering…

They still didn’t know what Xander was and while Spike obviously trusted the former human, it was always a good idea to be careful. And careful meant backup in this case.

He’d arrange it himself and with any luck, his GrandChilde wouldn’t even know the team was there unless he needed it.

Angelus curled contentedly within the corner of Angel’s mind he occupied. Spike would be protected. His family would be protected… and at his age, with the insanity of years earlier finally gone, that was what mattered most.

* * * * *

Check his e-mail… check his e-mail? Bloody fucking hell, he’d done that at least twelve times a day since he’d gotten Xander’s letter in the bar that night and… there had never been anything.

He’d still tried, though… hell, he’d written to the brunette every few days until he’d come back to LA, just on the off chance that maybe the sheer volume would make the bloke reply, if only to tell him to stop. At least then he would have known his Xan was alive.

As it was, if Xander had finally bothered to respond, there was no way Spike was going to even try to play it cool.

And that was why he was racing as fast as he could from Angel’s office, down the hall, waiting impatiently for the elevator, finally saying ‘sod all’ to that after almost thirty seconds and taking the stairs.

He barely managed to slam the door behind him when he reached his rooms, and his feet actually skidded over the hardwood floor as he raced to his computer. He flung himself into his chair, growling as the sodding laptop took what seemed like forever to boot up. “Come on, come on… hurry up, ya bleedin’ piece of crap!”

Moments of shaking anticipation, mind swinging from one extreme to the other… Xander declaring his undying love and devotion. Xander demanding that Spike stop trying to contact him. Loathing him. Hating what they’d done in the forest, wanting to never hear from him again.

And then… he was in.

He was in!

His hands were shaking as he went to his mail, fingers trembling while he moved the cursor and clicked on the first new message.

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~From: One Eyed Wonder
~To: Clever Childe
~Subject: Regrets

Spike. God. Spike!

I can’t, I don’t… is that really you? Are you

* * * * *

Spike frowned and hit the ‘back’ tab then clicked the second message.

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~From: One Eyed Wonder
~To: Clever Childe
~Subject: Re: Regrets

Fuck.

That would have worked better if I hadn’t sent it by accident, huh?

Shit, Spike.

It’s you.

How is it you?

I… fuck. Shit. Jesus fucking Christ!

Okay. Making myself be calm now.

I’m calm.

God!

I had this all thought out. How I was going to say this. And now that I’m typing I can’t remember any of it.

I… okay. It’s e-mail. I can say whatever I want to and the worst you can do is not reply, right?

So this is me taking a deep breath.

And this is me letting it out. And taking another one. LOL

I thought it was just me, Spike. I thought I was the only one who couldn’t let go. You were dead and I couldn’t…

Hell, I even managed to piece together the things you said when you were crazy and the little bit you said after. It took me a while but I figured it out.

Shit. This should be easier in e-mail, but it’s not. Fuck.

I… you know what? I’m not gonna tell you. Not like this.

It doesn’t matter anyway. All that matters is us.

I’m not sure there even is an us but the first twenty or so e-mails you sent me sort of sounded like maybe there is… like maybe you want there to be.

Then again, the ones after were kind of…

Shit.

Not them. Just me saying ‘shit’, y’know?

Okay. I’m just gonna say it, okay? Since you can’t tell me not to right now.

That night in the forest, I… fuck, I wanted it to be you. And it was but I didn’t know it and if I had known I would have wrapped myself around you and held you and covered us in leaves and vines to protect you from the sun and when you woke up I would have licked the back of your head better and wrapped my lips around your cock until you came hard and deep in my throat and then I would have teased you open and sunk deep into you and…

Groaning now, and…

And Jesus fuck. Enough babble, right?

Shit.

I can’t stop thinking about you, Spike.

Not just the sex stuff, but you.

Hell, I’ll understand if you don’t reply to this. I don’t expect you to after the way I ignored the account you were writing to.

I wanted to disappear. And I did. I used an identity that I had in reserve just in case I needed it.

And I did need it.

After Uganda, I needed it. Needed to be someone other than the guy who ran at you, attacked you… the guy who... well, you were there. You know what I did.

I should have hidden myself better. Hidden my beast better. Because I’m sure you know what I am by now.

I’m sorry for the way I attacked you, Spike. I never gave you a chance to say no. And I don’t know if it’s possible, but… can we forget about that and try to at least be friends again?


I don’t know, but I’m willing to try.

Are you?

~Xander

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Spike snorted, every part of him wanting nothing more than to find the git and beat him for putting him through six months of hell.

Instead, he clicked the ‘reply’ tab.

* * * * *

~From: Clever Childe
~To: One Eyed Wonder
~Subject: Re: Regrets

Bloody hell, Xan.

Scared the fuck out of me, you did, running off like that and leaving me with that bloody note! But I’m guessing you know that, seeing as I might have mentioned it a time or two in those e-mails you mentioned.

Don’t rightly know what’s happening here. Just can’t seem to stop thinking about you. Scoured all of bloody Africa looking for even a hint of where you’d gone and… yeah, mentioned that before too, didn’t I? Fuck.

Think I’m obsessed with you, love. Must be.

Seems like you’re worried about that night in the forest, Xander, and you shouldn’t be. Not sure how much you remember, mate, but you weren’t the only one participating in our little ‘rut against the tree’ moment, were you?

I’m saying you didn’t attack me, pet. Not really. Could have gotten away if I’d wanted to, yeah? Vampire, aren’t I. And before you go getting broodier than sodding Angel on a bad day, you weren’t the only one who got off on it, right? I seem to recall covering you in cum, pet. Not something I do without a certain degree of pleasure involved. A whole bloody heap of pleasure, to be honest.

So bloody hell NO we can’t forget about it! Don’t want to! And I don’t want to be friends again. Not when I know now how bloody good you feel pressed against me, your body all sweating and heaving with want.

We were friends once, yeah. As much as I was friends with any of you lot. Okay, a bit more than with the others, but friends, right? This is different. Don’t feel like sitting down and watching a game of… anything with you, do I?

Hell.

Missed you, mate. Wanted to rip your head off in Africa. Before I knew you were you, I mean. Pissed me off no end that some wanker was walking around looking like you and not being you. And yeah, told you that already too.

Don’t want to miss you anymore, Xan. Not like this.

Need to see you, pet. Soon.

You mind if I do that? See you? Just… tell me where to come, yeah?

Bloody hell, tell me it’s alright.

~Spike

* * * * *

Nothing to do now but wait, Spike knew, although in this case he chose to assume the best and started packing. He was bloody well going to Paris and if he had his way, he wouldn’t be coming back to LA without his… whatever Xander was to him.

Yeah.

And he’d have to remember to ask him what he was because ‘Primal’ just didn’t cover it. He knew that much, although he wasn’t sure of how he knew.

He just knew.

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(A/N: Many thanks to Alice (loving the jig, hon'! *grins*), The ShadowCat, Fenris Mourningstar, Christine and nulinka for the reviews! You guys totally rock and I'm SO glad you're still liking this! MUCH more to come. LOL)