Life of Experience

Part 13:


"Yes, Sheila. We will be there." Giles said his goodbyes to Mrs. Rosenberg through the phone before he hung up. He picked the newspaper from the table next to him, feeling utterly relieved that his neighbor invited him and Xander to have dinner with them tonight. Perhaps, he would convince Ira of a fishing trip with the children. He hardly had time to see Xander lately what with the boy spending most of his time with Will these days.

It wasn't that Giles didn't like to see his boys bonding, but he had missed Xander greatly. Maybe he should ask Will to join them. If only Ira would … oh, for goodness sake, Ira never liked to go fishing. Maybe it was better if he didn't mention the fishing trip tonight so he and his boys would have a chance to do it alone. Oh yes, this was absolutely better.

Suddenly, the front door burst open startling him. He heard foot steps running to the stairs. He had no doubts it was Xander. But usually the boy would stop by the living room to say hello before going to his bedroom, even if he was in such a hurry.

Worry took over him and he placed the paper in the couch getting up. He headed towards the young man's room hesitantly. Knocking gently, he called, "Xander, are you alright?"

It took the boy awhile before he answered, "Yeah, Dad, I just wanna take a shower!"

"Did something happen?" he asked concerned.

"N-no, no it's fine. I fell in the mud while playing basketball with the guys. I just wanna clean up."

Giles knew it was a lie. How many times had Xander came home covered in mud but grinning widely nonetheless. Something serious had happened. He tried turning the doorknob but it was locked. That worried him more.

He was about to demand to be let inside, but thought against it. Xander was seventeen. He was old enough to take care of himself. Besides, he would see him when they went to the Rosenbergs' dinner.


******

Xander heard Giles locking the front door as he walked outside the house. They were supposed to have dinner with the Rosenbergs, but he wasn't in the mood to see anyone at the moment. Seeing as the old man would not be convinced if he said that nothing was wrong with him, he chose to lie.

~ There are some … sort of … uh, problems with the guys in the basketball team, and I didn't want to tell you because you'd make a fuss and *please* don't butt in, coz that'll make me the butt of every single joke for a month. I can take care of it. Just don't be all parental about it. ~

He wasn't sure Giles bought it or not. But it would not be a surprise if he did. Why else did Spike mess up so much in high school, anyway?

His eyes grew wide with shock. This was the first time. The first time he thought disrespectfully of Giles. Not to mention concerning Spike's screw ups.

Apparently all the shocking first experiences had to be linked with Mr. Bleached Head.

He groaned throwing his head in his hands, fingers pressing into his skull. Shit! Shit! Shit!

This couldn't be.

*He* couldn't be.

So freaking messed up!

He hastily pulled his face out of his suffocating hands. Glassy eyes were glancing around at the dark room. Too dark he couldn't see anything. He couldn't *see*. He couldn't comprehend. He should deal with this. He should do something about it.

So freaking messed up.


******

Xander stood next to Buffy's locker. He didn't stop a second to consider how crazy what he was planning to do was. He just needed to know. It was killing him to no end and he was *not* angst material. He had his share of that after Dawn's departure.

He could see Willow and Jesse from the corner of his eye. It seemed they didn't notice him yet. They were standing there in the corner chatting about some assignment Jesse forgot to do.

A movement next to him tore him away from his friends. From the perfume, he knew she was standing next to him. He turned his head and was greeted by the beautiful golden hair covering her face as she looked down into her bag looking for the key. The sight of her alone made him hot. His heartbeat started to pound. He swallowed a lump and whispered, "Buffy?"

She turned around and smiled at him. "Hi Xander."

Xander could hear Willow calling his name from behind him. It seemed his friends had just noticed him. He stared at the blonde of his dreams uncertain. Her smile gradually vanished into a confused look. "Is something wrong?" she asked.

He closed his eyes briefly, feeling everybody's eyes on him. He had to do this. He just had to.

Opening his eyes, he looked at her with poise, before he grabbed her into a kiss. Gasps were heard, hers and the people around him. There was a lot of noise going on, but he focused only on one thing. Buffy started struggling in his arms. He couldn't let her go yet, not until he figured it out.

A rough hand grabbed his shoulder, trying to yank him away from her. He couldn't stop though. He needed to know.

And he did.

He let go of her and felt himself being pulled backwards aggressively by that rough hand. He fell on the floor hard feeling his elbows bruise.

"You jerk, how could you?!"

He looked up and met the emerald eyes that were filled with disgust and disbelief. "This is the last time I'll even consider speaking to losers like you! Cordelia was right. I should have listened to her." With that said she turned her heels and left furiously. A big blond guy was in his vision. He looked down at him crossly before following Buffy. Xander guessed he was the owner of the rough hand.

The girls around him were shaking their heads in repulsion while the guys were giving him thumbs up. He was about to stand when he felt Willow's small hands helping him up.

Jesse gaped at the spot where he kissed Buffy. "Wow, man, way ta go. Think I should try this with Cordelia?"

Willow threw Jesse a look, and then turned to Xander who was rigidly standing next to her. "Why the hell did you do that?" she snapped. "What is wrong with you lately?"

"Nothing," he muttered and walked away.

Willow sighed. "Xander," she called jadedly after him.

"Leave me alone!"

She stared at him as he vanished between the crowds. Feeling Jesse's hand on her shoulder she looked up. "Maybe he's upset coz Buffy's angry with him."

The redhead looked at him wordlessly and then turned her eyes to the crowd.

*****

"Hi, Mr. Giles!" Willow cheerfully said when the Englishman opened the door.

"Oh, hello, Willow, did your mother send you?" Usually, her visits to the Giles residence had to be for something her mother needed. Small stuff neighbors always lent each other.

The redhead shook her head. "No, I'm here to talk to Xander. Is he in his room?"

She noticed the sad flicker in Mr. Giles' eyes when she mentioned the boy's name. "Yes, he is. Willow, do you know what is the matter?"

Mr. Giles probably noticed Xander's change in behavior, but it seemed that he didn't know what was wrong with him. She remembered when she and Jesse promised Xander not to tell anyone about his games with Spike, especially his father.

"I'm not sure," she answered. "But I'm going to talk to him about it." She smiled reassuringly.

The middle aged man nodded. "It's probably better if you talked to him. Since you're his friend, he may open up to you. But if it was serious I must know immediately." She understood the tone and promised him that she would do what was necessary for her friend's own good.

*******

Xander heard the door to his room open bit by bit. He had heard Willow's voice downstairs and knew she would come upstairs shortly. She was here to talk to him. But did he want to talk?

"Hey," she said softly.

"I didn't say you can come in." He didn't care if his quiet words were rude.

He could see her rolling her eyes, even with his own staring blankly straight ahead. "As if I need you to," she scoffed. "I saw you naked once, remember?"

Xander didn't answer, and then heard her disappointed sigh at his lack of reaction to her attempt of humor. He felt her sitting next to him on the bed. Her hand was lightly touching his leg.

"What happened at Spike's yesterday?"

That question actually surprised him. He thought she came here to talk about what happened at school today. He looked at her astonished. "How did you …?"

"Oh, c'mon Xander, give me some credit, will ya! Yesterday, you didn't come with Mr. Giles to have dinner with us which was totally weird because you don't miss a chance to have someone to talk to about how much Spike was falling for your plan. And then comes today, you skipped every class you shared with either me or Jesse and then you did what you did with Buffy, after that you completely ignored us." Willow took a deep breath after she finished babbling non-stop. "How am I doing so far?"

"Pretty well, Sherlock Holmes," he said impressed.

"Then tell me what happened?" she asked seriously.

He looked at her for a moment before taking a deep breath. "Spike kissed me," he confessed quietly, his eyes not leaving hers.

His heart was jumping, waiting for her response. But she surprised him again by staying calm, looking more mature than she should be. With a nod, she said, "I expected things will get out of hand. Is that why you kissed Buffy? Coz Spike's kiss freaked you out?"

The fact that she didn't overreact about that part made him calm a little. It actually made him glad he told her about it. Willow was cool, she always was. But could he tell her the whole truth? The real reason behind what he did at school? That was actually the hard part. The reason why Willow didn't freak about Spike kissing him was that she expected it. Heck, even Jesse warned him about that. But the other part … the freaky part … they would not expect that. He didn't expect it himself.

Swallowing a lump, "Yes," he lied.

She stroked his leg gently. "Xander there's nothing to worry about. Spike kissing you doesn't mean anything. We already know he has a thing for you."

"I know," he whispered.

"What did you do when he kissed you?"

"I pushed him and ran out."

"Did he call after you?"

"No."

"You probably hurt his feelings." When he didn't answer, she continued, "I don't wanna be one of those people who say 'I told you so' but …"

She breathed a sigh, gathering her thoughts. "Xander, you've been playing with Spike's feelings for awhile now and look how it ended? It didn't just affect him, it affected you too."

Wha …? Huh? What?! He looked awkwardly at her. "What do you mean affected me?"

"I mean it scared you. You should end this with Spike. I also think you should confess the whole truth to him."

Xander chuckled nervously. "I can't do that!"

Willow narrowed her eyes displeased. "Yes, you can and you should. You have done enough and now you misled him. Confessing the truth will help you solve this misunderstanding."

He looked down at his hands. Telling Spike the truth? That's crazy! He couldn't do that. There had to be another way to solve this. But he was tired of lying, look what this whole game had done to him. But confessing the truth?

"If you don't mind, I wanna be alone right now," he said. "I need to think."

Willow nodded. "That would be good." She stood up and made her way towards the door. However, she stopped before opening it. She turned around tentative. "One problem though."

"What?"

"What should I tell your dad?"

******

Next day,

Sound of cautious knocking.

Followed by the door opening.

Two sets of eyes staring at each other.

"Can I come in?" Xander asked anxiously.

No answer, but Spike moved away to let him in. He walked into the apartment like a ghost and sat on the couch. He waited for Spike to come and sit with him. Though, hearing sounds of glasses coming from the kitchen, he realized the older boy was going to bring them something to drink. It felt like everything was on mute. The quietness was killing him. Spike didn't even ask what he wanted to drink. There was no sound but the glasses and the fridge opening and closing.

Few seconds of silence and Spike came back and placed a bottle of soda before him. Glancing at the blond, he saw a can of orange juice held under his armpit and an empty glass in his hand.

Spike made himself comfortable in the other couch, poured some juice in his glass and then started drinking. The loud sound of his throat swallowing did not even come next to Xander's raging heartbeats. The brunet lowered his eyes to the table. He looked at his soda but didn't feel like drinking. Too tense to do anything at the moment.

He caught Spike's hand placing the empty glass on the table. Then saw the other one grabbing the can and pouring more juice into the glass. He watched the fluid slipping down quickly, before a quite voice started, "Alright," a pause, "Why are you here?"

The tone of the voice was so low but thankfully he managed to grasp what Spike said. He bit his lower lip, shifting a little in his seat. He wanted to look at Spike, see how the other boy was regarding him, but he didn't have the courage to even glance at him.

"I haven't got all day," Spike said impatient.

"Uh … I came here to talk."

"Oh, I thought you came here to dance," Low sarcastic words made Xander withdraw. An angry yell came right afterwards, "Of course you came here to talk you git, about what?"

"That day … when, uh … we …" he stuttered a bit then stopped. How was he going to say it?

"Snogged? Yeah, I remember. You ran away with your tail between your legs."

Xander had the urge to kick him so bad for the attitude. The whole thing didn't deserve that! Sure, he was making a fool out of the man. Yeah, he might have lied to him about having a crush on him and he did push him away like a bug when he kissed him, making him fall off the couch then without any explanation he ran out like a scared school girl. But it wasn't like Spike never did anything to him in the past!

Would you ever get over it, man?

The voice of his conscience scolded at him. And for the first time, thinking about what Spike did to him while they were younger didn't affect him negatively. It actually made him feel silly for trying to get back at Spike for acting like an immature teen. Xander was supposed to be the good one. He was supposed to be the better kid.

Wasn't he?

"So talk," Spike spat exasperatedly.

"I freaked, Spike. I didn't …" he trailed off, closing his eyes and gave a shuddered sigh. "I felt … I …" he couldn't finish. His cheeks were burning while he looked down in full embarrassment.

"You got hard," Spike completed bored.

Xander nodded unable to look up at the older boy.

Spike regarded him quietly. He was moving the glass in his hand, watching the rest of the juice splatter. He looked as if he was considering what he was going to say next.

Xander hated the silence. The stillness, where nothing was moving except for the liquid in Spike's glass. The sound made him frustrated. He wanted it to stop but if it stopped there would only be silence. And Xander hated the silence.

He was about to say something to break the awful tension filled air, when Spike raised his head, looking straight at him about to speak.

"I hope you had your fun."

Xander stared at him baffled. He could not process the meaning of that statement. "Huh?"

"Well, not trying to criticize, but you're not that great of an actor as you like to think." Spike smirked.

Xander froze. This couldn't be true.

"I knew what you were up to, sprout. I'm not that dense."

Spike knew? Spike *knew*?!! How? Oh God, he was making a complete fool of himself while Spike knew all along. "S-since when?" he blurted out.

"Since the day you took your shirt off. I did some thinking and came to the conclusion that you're having fun with me."

"Then why didn't you say something?" he exclaimed, his voice high pitched but it didn't matter. He was already humiliated and sounding like a girl was not a big issue anymore.

"Well, since you got carried away with the role, I said why not play along."

Xander's cheeks reddened and he looked down ashamed.

"Suppose it was a little revenge thing." Spike's tone was gentle this time. Xander looked up, and the blond was smiling softly at him. Probably to make him feel better. But it actually disturbed him more. He couldn't deal with Spike being gentle. Insults, teasing, mocking were easier to handle, but this smile. This smile was what made him forget reality and let Spike kiss him.

The smile slowly disappeared when he didn't respond. He gave a deep breath trying to remember what Spike had said.

"Yeah," he finally answered. The stupid little grudge he had over the years made him act like an idiot. Note to self: Always listen to Willow's advices.

"Okay," Spike said and placed his half full glass on the table. He sat kneeling against his knees and looking ahead at the uncomfortable boy. "Think I deserved it after the hell I've put you through in the kiddie days. No hard feelings from my side. Not sure about you …"

"No, I'm fine," he said quickly. Yeah, it was over. Peace was good. We love peace, well, except for President Bush. And Mr. Silence apparently. It was back again, and we agreed that we didn't like it.

"Then you knew … all that time?" And what was worse than Mr. Silence? Repeating the same topic that only brought mortification to Mr. Harris.

"Yes, I had my fun with that." The evil blond snickered. "In fact, I was pretending all along to set up my perfect plan. That kiss actually was to freak you out. Though I was surprised you didn't push me away once I had my lips on yours."

Xander squirmed prickly. "Yeah, well, that was … um, stop looking at me like that!" he snapped at the blond who was smirking.

"Was out of it, weren't you?" Smug, cocky Spike said slyly.

Xander wasn't sure if the blood rushing to his cheeks, ears and neck would stick there all day. His glare hardened as he looked away irritably. "Yeah, well, you were out of it too!"

"I did," the blond confessed easily. "It was good, wasn't it?"

"Why do you keep asking me that? You know the answer!"

"Why does it bother you so much?"

"Because I got hot with Dawn before! I lied to you," he said turning to look at Spike and found him giving a look, "and I see you know that already. But I've done it with Dawn more than I can count!" And by that, he meant twice. "And *it* reacted. But then it reacted to you too!" He did not mention the Buffy episode today because … well, he only kissed her to check and he did check but Spike didn't need to know.

He sighed. "So what does that make me?"

Spike shrugged. "Doesn't make you anything."

"It does! You either like girls or guys!"

"You can like them both."

"No," Xander whispered. It was too complicated that way. He didn't want to be attracted to every walking human. One of the two sexes should not attract him in order for him to befriend this particular sex and talk to about nailing the other sex. It had to be too platonic, where there would be no attraction whatsoever. But if he lusted after the two sexes, who was left? Guess he would be stuck with Mr. Silence.

"Yes, you can." Spike moved closer towards him. He placed a hand on his thigh and started rubbing smoothly. He looked like he was considering what he was going to say. "You know the professor I had a relationship with."

Xander was about to snort. What relationship? He turned to the older boy with a raised eyebrow and corrected, "The one you were boning."

Spike's hand froze on Xander's thigh before he took it away slowly. His mouth was set into a straight line. He hated when people became judgmental. But Xander was being himself and, he let comment slide. "Whatever. He was bisexual too."

The brunet looked offended. "Don't compare me to that ass who uses his students to his own amusement!"

"Shut your gab, git!"

Xander flinched.

"He did not use me. I came to him!"

It was a dim room with dark red wallpapers and few lit candles. Typical Victorian room style. He stood there full of desire, itching for the man who walked back to his chair and took the book, which was lying there, in his hands before turning to him. He stood there aroused, lost in the mixture of different emotions inside him. Confusion, insecurity, lust, mortification, anger were all written on his face while the man stood confident with a gentle smile.

Spike closed his eyes briefly, trying to focus on the present. He opened them looking at Xander. "It's the same as you and me. You're a minor, I'm an adult, and you keep coming on to me."

"It was just a game!" Xander exclaimed trying to defend himself.

Spike chuckled bemused. "And that's better?"

Xander looked at him stubbornly, but quickly gave up. No, what he did was worst, and if Spike didn't guess that he was playing him, Xander might have ended up hurting him.

Wasn't he hurting?

He stared at Spike silently. The blond had feelings for him. That was obvious. It was probably for the best that Spike found out soon about the whole thing. It might have hurt him more if he just realized it now. The brunet still wasn't sure about how he felt regarding Spike. He knew he was enjoying his company, but was he attracted to him? Was that worth finding out?

Finding out? He wasn't serious, was he? He did not want to find anything with Spike. It was all for fun. Which he had. A lot. And not just when he was pretending to be attracted to the other man, but when they hanged together in the clubs and bars.

It made him realize that he wanted to get to know Spike more. Because so far he liked most of what he saw.

"You're awfully quiet," Spike interrupted his thoughts with a raised eyebrow.

He shook his head. "What are we gonna do now?"

"What do you want to do?"

"I'm not sure. All I know is I don't want Dad to know about this."

"Of course!" Spike exclaimed. "You actually thought about telling him? Are you crazy?"

Xander felt himself smiling. "Well, he thinks we're buds."

"And we should make sure he keeps thinking that way."

"I … I actually want us to be that way." He looked at Spike uncertain. "The way Dad thinks of us."

Spike stared at him silently. The disappointment flashed in his features for a second before a smile took place, hiding the real emotions behind it, even when it was bitter. "If that's what you want."

"I do. I want the whole childish hostility between us to end, and we start a new beginning. How about that?" He extended a hand. He was sure his decision had hurt the blond somehow, but he couldn't help but take the easy way out of this complicated situation. Not to mention that he was still unsure about what he really wanted.

"Sounds good." Spike took his hand and shook it. "And no more tricks," he warned.

"You too," Xander retorted. At Spike's laugh, he grinned. "So wanna go to a bar? Maybe this time I'll drink from your beer without you noticing."

*****