Irony

*


"Earthquake?" Buffy asked as she bit her lip. I gave her credit for suggesting it seeing as how she hated earthquakes, but even I thought that was going a little too far.

"Fire!" Willow excitedly threw in, "We always have fires around here, or maybe a mudslide. That would be good." Willow actually bounced a bit on the couch where she sat next to Tara. Willow was a little too into the creating a natural disaster scenario; there were days I worried about that girl. Tara just smiled and patted her on the arm as though she’d said something cute, and Willow must have gotten the point because she ducked her head.

"A flood would make them evacuate." I pointed out.

"And drown every loser in this part of the state. Still say we should blow up the bloody building with them in it." Spike's words weren't any different from hateful things he'd said a thousand times before, but now part of me wanted to fold in on myself as he rejected me again and another part wanted to rip his head off for basically calling me stupid in front of the whole pack… group… whatever.

"Spike." Angel's warning voice took on a deeper tone since this was at least the fourth time he'd had to threaten Spike for saying the same damn thing.

"Yeah, Spike," I growled in support of Angel. Hey, wait, I'm not supposed to be supporting Angel. Spike narrowed his eyes at me and I just glared right back. Yeah, exactly why were you and your sire an hour late to the meeting, idiot vampire of mine? I would have asked that out loud only I really didn't want to know the answer. And yes, he clearly wasn't mine, but the inner hyena still wanted to make a claim.

"Please let's stay on topic," Giles sighed unhappily. "We need a way to get the Initiative people out of the Initiative building."

"I still like fire," Willow almost whispered.

"Without destroying the town that's built over their facility," Giles amended himself. The man stood leaning against the wall polishing his glasses with his eyes totally unfocused. I suspected that I was the one he really didn't want to see. Ever since I showed up a good hour before the Aurelius twins, had had looked at everything but me as I wandered the room waiting for the idiot vampires. Now that the whole gang had finally shown up, he didn't have to look at me at all. Eventually I just settled on a corner of Giles' desk. I turned away from Giles who still had that unfocused look and glared at Spike who spent a fair amount of time glaring back.

"Maybe fake some sort of nuclear emergency?" Buffy said with even more gnawing at her lip. I said it before and I'll say it again: I love her dearly but she can say some pretty stupid stuff.

"I'd like to avoid glowing in the dark, personally," I threw in at that point.

"Lot easier to hide that way, innit?" Spike drawled and I looked over to see a vicious grin on his face.

"I don't know. You have a lot of experience with hiding since every demon on the Hellmouth wants you dead, what's your take on it?" I shot right back. A little part of me curled up and whimpered and just wanted to crawl into a corner, and in the past that part probably would have made me find a dark corner, but now my anger overrode that inner Zeppo.

"But then again, flooding could be of the good if it was a rising water table kinda thingy with the water rising instead of flooding from above, right guys?" Willow babbled as she stood and 'accidentally' backed up so that she blocked my view of Spike. I gave a short snappy growl and she darted back to Tara. Shit. I took a deep breath in the silence of the room.

"Um, yeah, rising water would work," I offered her with my best smile, trying to undo the damage I'd done by growling at her. She stood in the circle of Tara's arms and looked at me with those wide eyes and I felt about two inches high… again. I heard Spike snort, but the sight of Willow's wide eyes sort of short circuited the hyena need to beat the shit out of Spike.

"I'm not sure the base would actually flood," Giles said, and military specs and building codes flashed through my mind courtesy of my soldier.

"You'd have to use some C-4 to crack the foundation in one or two spots to compromise the integrity of the subbasements so that the flood would cause the utilities to shut down. If you did it in an unused section of the building a controlled explosion might be mistaken for a small earth tremor." I said without interrupting my current glare at Spike. The room went silent again, and when I looked around everyone was looking at me. "Hey, soldier memories, remember? Rocket launcher, security codes, ordinance specs?"

"Yes, indeed," Giles added, and I really wondered when Giles was going to put his glasses *on* since they'd been off and his hands had been polishing since I had shown up with Buffy, oh I don't know, an HOUR before Spike and Angel.

"Can you do that?" Angel asked me, and I stomped down on another growl.

"I know where to steal some shape charges," I said hesitantly, not that I was hesitant about stealing from the base since the hyena upgrades meant that I could pretty well ignore their security. I had other concerns though. "The problem is that shape charges are designed to go *on* the wall, which means being *in* the Initiative."

Okay, call me a coward, but I really wasn't anxious to go back in there, and as much as I hated to admit it, I was even unhappier about the thought of Spike in there. His leash might be longer, but the fact is that he still got hurt when he hurt humans. I wasn't sure how much it would damage him if he actually killed someone, but in the Initiative there were plenty of chances for him to find that out firsthand.

And I think I was losing my mind because I was concerned about Spike getting hurt when quite frankly I wanted to do some serious hurting of Spike myself. Of course, I also told myself that it was pretty reasonable for Spike to get back with Angel since Angel had the big hotel and the fancy car and the broad shoulder, and who am I kidding, I was just not a big enough person to see those two together without feeling jealousy and anger tear through me. I thought I'd known envy when Cordy had gone macking on that guy, but that was a little breeze of jealousy compared to the typhoon I felt right now.

"Oh goddess, that's not good." Willow sighed, and I had to do some quick thinking to catch up with the conversation about the shape charges because hello, distracted much?

"B-but the charges would work from either side of the wall?" Tara asked hesitantly, and I could have kissed the girl.

"We could plant them on the outside of the wall," I finished for her, and she smiled her approval. That girl was a real looker when she smiled. "That is, if we could tunnel though several hundred feet of solid rock and dirt," I finished and her smile slowly faded. "Please tell me there's some magic solution because I so do not want to dig for the next six months." Tara ducked her head slightly.

"We could move the dirt with a spell that speeds up the molecular activity," Willow started with lots of Willow excitement, but then her words trailed off. "But that would kinda be a really big explosion that would make the whole secret operation a little unsecret. Moving that much mass in a controlled reaction would be really, really hard."

"But with the coven…" Tara said quietly, and yep, there went Willow's resolve face. The minute Tara made any suggestion, Willow was going to find a way to make it happen, and I wondered if that was one reason why Tara was so quiet because honestly, Willow could be a little scary in these resolve moments.

"I have a better suggestion," Angel broke in. "Tarhul demons." I turned and gave Angel my best 'huh?' expression.

"I'm not sure that's wise." Giles broke in at that point.

"They can move the earth quickly and quietly. The Initiative won't even notice.”

"They are notoriously unreliable."

"I know how to handle Tarhul."

"The way you knew how to handle primals?" Giles snapped back, and someone was going to get an ulcer over this, and I was beginning to think it was going to be me.

"I'm going with Giles on the not trusting demons part, but what are Tarhul?" Buffy asked Angel, and I couldn't catch myself before I flinched. Even worse, Angel caught it. Great. Nothing like showing your sensitive underbelly around the enemy. Well I should have known that it wasn't going to be easy to get the Scoobies to just overlook the whole “Xander as a demon” groove I had going on. God, I really was a demon. Of course the whole kicking demon ass thing was a hint since the non-demon me was more of the kickee than the kicker, but I rolled that idea around in my head a few times. Xander, demon; demon, Xander. Nope, it still sounded wrong.

"They carve out subterranean living spaces and live in clans," Angel explained

"And they are infamous for turning on anyone who trusts them," Giles injected.

"I've worked with them before, and I don't trust them. However, if I challenge a few of them and win some fights I can earn their respect. I think they'll do this."

"Ya mean we'll do it. I owe the bloody wankers, and the Tarhul understand revenge," Spike added, and my vision shifted again. Riiiight, you just want to go with your sire out of revenge as opposed to feeling loyalty to the sire. Not all the wankers in Sunnydale were in the Initiative.

"I'm in too," I added, and again with the everyone looking at me like I had lost my mind.

"I hardly think Angel will need your assistance." Giles said tartly as he finally slipped his glasses back on and gave me an 'oh, please' expression.

"I'm going." I crossed my arms and looked from Giles to Angel to Buffy who all stared at me blankly. Finally Angel cracked.

"These are dangerous demons, Xander. They believe in a code of single combat and if you offend one of them I can't protect you."

"IF?" Buffy snorted. I glared at her.

"I can take care of myself, and if you don't believe me, call Willy." I said back rather smugly.

"Right, ya got a real good track record on that front," Spike threw in. My hands clenched and my insecurity about the apparent lack of acceptance got washed aside by a burning rage at Spike calling me weak. If he thought Angel was stronger than me, I couldn’t do a hell of a lot about that since there was the whole Angel actually being stronger than me thing, but I'd already proved myself with Spike. I'd proved myself and I'd earned his respect even if I wasn't going to have his submission.

"And you're doing really well yourself. Got captured by the Initiative what? Twice? Seems like last time *I* had to save *you*," I snapped at him.

"Only bloody in there because of you lot," Spike snarled back as his eyes started turning yellow.

"Well if we're so much trouble you're welcome to leave," I snapped right back even though I had no idea what I was going to do if he took me up on that threat. The fight didn't feel the same this time. In Caritas our fight had been vicious and biting and utterly hot. I wanted to tear Spike's clothes off and push him over the bar. Now, as he stood next to Angel, I just wanted to tear him apart, punish him for choosing Angel over me just like Buffy had, just like Cordy had, just like… okay, I was out of 'just likes' but I wasn't out of blinding anger.

"Spike, I'm thinking Xander's right. We really don't need you here for this; it's not like you can fight the soldiers," Buffy added as she got up and stood beside me.

"Not walkin' out in the middle of a fight," Spike snarled, and I suddenly wasn't sure which fight he meant: the Initiative or me.

"Oh that's right," I quipped with an evil smile of my own. "I forgot, it's everyone else that walks out on you, isn't it?" I said, and the minute the words were out of my mouth I wanted to take them back. Spike's face flashed an expression of pure pain and then he went into game face, his lip pulled up to reveal his white fangs as he snarled hatefully.

"Xander LaVelle Harris!" Willow squeaked, and great, Willow decided to side with the vampire rather than the best friend who's verbally torturing that vampire.

"You soddin' little… " Spike lunged at me, and Angel caught him around his waist just in time to send both of them crashing the floor in an undignified heap. I whirled away from the desk snarling, my own hyena spirit coming to the fore.

"And Riley thought they were flirting? He's been in the military way too long," I heard Buffy say, but I was busy growling at Spike as Angel fought to keep Spike on the floor and Giles yelled something about broken furniture and angry neighbors and leases.

"Enough!" Angel practically roared as he got an arm around Spike's neck. Angel struggled to his feet while using his hold to keep Spike in front of him, kneeling on the floor. Spike gave a few more yanks before settling back into his human features and sitting back on his heels. He pushed at Angel's arm again, and this time Angel stepped back as Spike got to his feet, but Angel's hand landed on Spike's shoulder holding him in place. Please, it's not like I couldn't take care of myself against Spike.

"Bloody wanker," he snapped at me as I continued to growl at him. He'd chosen Angel; he'd submitted to Angel. A person couldn't be in two packs at once.

"Angel, maybe you being here is a mistake. I know you want to help, but the Initiative is our problem so why don't you just take Captain Peroxide back to L.A. with you," Buffy suggested with her arms crossed over her chest in the 'I am Slayer' pose. I couldn't even figure out how to respond to that because on the surface I’m sure she was trying to help what with the whole Spike trying to kill me thing going on, but I needed something from Spike, even if it was just him saying 'piss off.'

"We need help with this," I said weakly, aware of just how pathetic that must have sounded considering the Initiative was just a pimple on the ass of someone of the bad guys we'd faced. From the expression of disbelief on Giles' face, pathetic didn't cover it.

"I think we can handle this one; you are the one always pointing out the problems Spike tends to cause."

"Well, he is a pain in the ass—" Spike interrupted me with a loud growl


"Really Spike, I would remind you that you can't hurt humans, so no matter how much you threaten your behavior is not intimidating." Yeah, some days Giles missed the train right along with Buffy.

"He's not human now, is he?" Spike asked silkily, flashing me a grin that promised a rematch later. It felt like the temperature in the room dropped several degrees as I realized that Spike wasn't playing.

"Giles, we need help, and I'm going with Spike and Angel to make sure they don't do anything weird."

"Okay, that's vaguely fox and chickenhousish," Buffy commented with raised eyebrows, and I tried giving her a 'who me' expression of complete normalcy, but she just continued looking at me with raised eyebrows while Giles sighed and took the glasses off again even though he continued to look at me.

"I'm going to go try and find the Tarhul clan that lived here before I left for L.A." Angel said, no doubt anxious to get away from the group since even I could smell the sharp scent of aggression gathering in the small room. Angel closed his hand around Spike's arm and started pulling him toward the door while Spike resisted at every step, continuing to sneer at me until Angel physically took him by the shoulders and turned him toward the door.

"I'm going with you," I said, pushing past Giles who stood looking at me as though he'd never seen me before. Maybe it was just now sinking in with him that things had changed. I wasn't the same Xander, or at least I didn't have the same Xander instincts because I was not letting Spike walk away. We needed to get this settled because I was stuck somewhere between wanting to kill Angel and take Spike and wanting to kill Spike and walk away from Angel, and this was not a good place to be.

"Um, maybe you should stay here," Willow suggested.

"Oh he should definitely stay here," Buffy added. I ignored both of them as I continued walking toward the door in the wake of Angel and Spike.

"It's fine; I won't let them kill each other," Angel called out and I had to suppress a growl at Angel's attitude, but he was busy pulling Spike to the car so I don't think he even noticed my anger. It was time to take care of this one way or the other. Part of me actually regretted that Angel had his soul because I had a strong suspicion that the way it was going to end was with me walking home alone. Angelus would have been kinder.