Not Forgotten

Chapter 13


“Xander, how are you?” Giles started, awkwardly.

“Feeling a little sick, actually. Must be nerves and stuff. Who’d have thought that vampires get butterflies? So weird. We get stomach ache, too. You know, if we drink to much bl…um, you were looking for the ‘I’m fine, how are you?” response, huh?”

Giles laughed lightly and shook his head. “I may have been expecting a standard response, but I was hoping for the longer and chattier version. You really are still you.”

“Yup. I’m all me…mostly. But yeah, me.” Xander backed away from the door and let Giles enter. “I thought we were meeting at Buffy’s. Is something wrong?” he asked, trying not to look even more nervous. It was difficult when the butterflies were breeding and having baby butterflies.

“No, no. We’re still meeting. I just wanted to talk to you alone. By all accounts, this could be my last opportunity.”

Xander waved Giles over to the couch and they both sat down.

“Spike?”

“Still asleep,” Xander confirmed.

Giles nodded and continued. “I suppose that I should start with an apology. But somehow I feel that it would be an insult. I am, though, so very sorry. I- I have been foolish and ignorant. I, of all people, should have seen what had happened to you.”

“Why you of all people?”

“Well, they do call me a Watcher. I don’t think I really deserve that title right now.”

Xander stayed silent and focused on the ground.

“Anyway,” Giles said, raising his voice slightly. “I’m not here to mope. I’m here to offer you my help.”

Xander looked up at that. “Your help?”

“Yes.”

“Um, you wanna clarify? Are you referring to help with shifting boxes or help with…”

“I mean, help with anything. I will certainly assist you with the move and I’ll happily take care of any administration that you have in this country while you’re away.”

“Really? Thanks, G-man. That’s real generous.”

“And…”

“Okay, that was the most ominous sounding ‘and’ that I’ve ever heard.”

Giles cleared his throat. “I’m your friend, Xander, and, contrary to how you must have perceived my ignorance over the last year, I do care about you. Very much. If you ever need me, for *anything,* just call. I’ll gladly come over to France or you could come back over here. Money? If you ever need money I can help with that. Or if you just feel like a chat, I can do that too. Xander, your parents, have you had any…do you want…”

“Come on, G-man. Choke it up.”

“Would you like some counselling?”

Xander snorted with laughter and fell back into the couch cushions. “A vampire getting a shrink because he killed someone? No. I don’t think so. Thank for the offer, though.”

“I wish you wouldn’t dismiss it so easily. I know you, Xander. You wouldn’t have taken what happened so lightly.”

“Of course I didn’t take it lightly,” Xander said when the laughter had finally died down. “But I’ve got Spike. He helped me to deal, and he still helps me. Every day. I don’t think it’s funny that I killed my dad. I just think Spike’s reaction to a shrink would be classic. He already thinks I’m the world’s softest vampire.”

“And the cutest,” Spike said, appearing from nowhere and planting a small kiss to the top of Xander’s head. “Shrink, eh?” he asked, looking at Giles. “Might be an alright idea.”

Xander’s jaw dropped. “You’re kidding?!”

Spike shrugged and sat down.

“I’m not going to see some quack. I’m not crazy!”

“No-one said you were, luv. It’s just a thought. You might change your mind one day.”

“And if and when you do, I will happily pay for it.”

“Giles, no. I’m not going. They all speak French, over there. I won’t be able to understand them, and, besides, we don’t need you to pay…”

Spike lunged and covered Xander’s mouth with his hand. “What he meant to say was, thanks for the offer and if he ever decides to do it we’ll be more than happy for you pay. OW! No fucking biting!”

Xander glared. “Don’t need a shrink,” he mumbled.

“It was only a thought,” Giles said. “There was something else, too.”

“Uh-oh.” Xander pressed into Spike’s open arms, the small squabble immediately forgotten.

“One day, when you are both ready, I…I would very much like to document the cross Siring that you both experienced. I realise that I shouldn’t even be asking this, all things considered, but I *am* a Watcher and it is sort of inbuilt. But if you don’t want to, feel free to just say. I just needed to ask."

Spike and Xander looked at each other and smiled. “We don’t mind,” Xander said.

“Really?”

“Sure. Why not?”

“Spike? You are also agreeable to this?”

“If Xan’s alright with it, then so am I. Just make it quick, yeah? I wanna get in a couple of shags before we leave.”

Giles blushed and pulled out his notebook. “Now? Right. From the beginning?”

“Okay. Well, as you know, I was watching Star Trek…”

**

Xander sat. He’d talked, answered questions and listened to repeated apologies and requests to hear more details.

Things really had gone better than he and Spike could have dared hope. The fact that even Buffy accepted the truth was just astounding. Xander wondered if perhaps it was all a beautiful dream.

No. It wasn’t.

If it was all a wonderful dream, then his best friend, his girl, his Willow, would be sitting here right next to him.

But she wasn’t.

Xander felt Spike take his hand and he couldn’t help but shuffle a little closer.

“She isn’t coming,” he stated in low voice.

“Maybe not. It’s early, though, little pet. She’s still got time.”

“She hates me.”

“’Course she bloody don’t! She loves you. She’s just…having a hard time accepting, that’s all.”

“I don’t want to go without saying goodbye.”

Despite Spike’s claims that there was plenty of time, Xander knew it wasn’t really true. It was late by human standards and they were due to leave early for their flight the next day. They’d chosen a daytime flight deliberately. A local mage had agreed to cast a protection spell from the sun and by the time they landed in France it would be evening again.

“You know she can visit. Anytime. They all can.”

“I know. I just…I hate leaving things like this.”

“We could always stay, just for a bit longer? Give Red some time to come to her senses?”

“No. We’re leaving. I’m not letting anyone dictate to us when… Shit, I sound bitchy.”

“My bitch,” Spike smirked.

Xander elbowed him and turned to see Buffy open her mouth wider than a crocodile. “Tired?” he asked her with a grin.

“Me? Naaah. Just getting oxygen to my brain.”

“Listen. We’re gonna go, okay?”

“Xander, no!” Dawn cried.

“Come on, Nibblet. It’s past your bedtime, at least. The night is just starting for us. Go to bed, the lot of you. We’re gonna go kill…some time,” Spike said with the patented smirk.

Dawn slumped and Buffy rose from her seat at the same time as Spike and Xander. “We’ll see you both tomorrow.”

“Sure thing, Buffster. Don’t be late. I want to do the whole ‘airport experience' thing. You know, shopping, eating, exploring, getting lost…”

“Growling at the baggage handlers,” Spike finished.

“Exactly!” Xander agreed.

“Okay, you two do the growly thing, the rest of us will shop.”

“Buffy…?”

“She’ll come around, Xand. I just know it. Don’t worry, ‘kay?”

“’Kay.”

**

Xander said his goodbyes and nagged Giles into agreeing to pick them up half an hour early the next day, just in case of traffic, flooding, earthquake, or any other unlikely travel-delaying disasters.

“You were quiet ,” Xander observed when they reached the car.

“Your friends, Xan. Didn’t want to butt in.”

“They’re your friends too.”

“No, they ain’t. Not yet, at least. They accept me. They have to. But they don’t trust me.”

“I think you’re wrong.”

“I think *you’re* wrong.”

“Well, I think…”

“Xan.”

“Sorry. It’s just that they’ve been really nice…”

“Yeah, I know. They’ve been amazing, little pet. They’ve really come through. But let’s not expect miracles, eh?”

“I guess you’re right.”

“I’m always right.”

“You weren’t right when you said the bathroom shelf would hold up for a couple more days.”

Spike rubbed at his head in an unconscious gesture. “I choose to forget that.”

“And I choose to remind you.”

“You know, you’re not too old to go over my knee!”

“Really? And you weren’t right when…”


**


Xander waited while Spike finished checking in the rest of their luggage. The airport was crowded and Xander had needed to retreat to a relatively quite corner while Spike finished charming the pants off the girl at the check-in desk.

They had left Giles, Dawn, Tara and Buffy at a Starbucks while they got rid of their suitcases and now Xander wished there had been a way to stay back with them, or maybe just near Dawn. Giles had apparently talked and explained to them all about Xander’s inner-demon issues and since they had arrived at the airport, Dawn had been on possessive, protective, ‘stay away from our Xander,’ alert. It had been funny at first, but after a while, when the sheer number of humans had begun to bother him, Xander had been grateful for her watchful eye and sharp tongue.

His Dawnie. All grown up. Nearly. It saddened both Spike and Xander that they would miss so much of her life. Still, she had an open-ended invitation to visit anytime. They all did.

But it was all for the best. Xander needed this time to adjust to his vampire status, to learn how to deal with, control and live with his demon. And he and Spike both needed this time to be together, to live and love without having to look over their shoulders, to build up their relationship without the constant pressure of the Hellmouth.

In the beginning, the Sire-Childe relationship had been strong. Once Xander had started healing from the balls-up that was his cross-Siring, he’d attached himself to his one true Sire and had never let go. Spike had found, even right at the beginning, that he didn’t even need the bond to love and care for Xander. Xander was not just a beloved Childe and Spike was not just a beloved Sire. They were everything to each other. And their relationship came first, above all else.

The Hellmouth was sealed and all was calm. Sunnydale hummed happily along and there was no need for them to be there permanently. Of course, that didn’t mean that they wouldn’t pop back for a quick apocalypse now and again, and, who knew, they might just come back for good one day. Maybe.

“Alright, luv?”

“Yeah.”

“Too many people, eh?”

“Definitely. I think I’m developing airport rage. If one more person elbows me…”

“I’ll smack ‘em one,” Spike finished.

“Well, I was going more for, skulking off into a corner and hiding. I hate this place, Spike. I thought it would be fun, but it isn’t. Everyone is so close and…”

Spike took Xander’s hand and began leading him away. “C’mon, little pet. We’ll go back to that coffee gaff. There weren’t no fuckers in there earlier, apart from us. Reckon they’re all in McDonalds stuffing their faces on McShite Burgers.”

“Hey! Burgers are good!”

“If you like eating cow brains, yeah.”

“I hardly think that either of us are in a position to judge, Spike.”

Spike snorted and pushed past a group of foreign speaking tourists. “Get out the bloody way!”

“Spike, please be careful. The chip, yeah?”

Spike walked them faster through the crowds and mumbled something about nothing and nobody, motherfuckers and the wrath of William the Bloody.

Xander smiled and melded into Spike’s body. It was nice to feel protected. Okay, so the chip would most probably floor Spike on the third punch, but somehow it didn’t matter. Just having Spike so close seemed to make everybody else disappear.

When the demon was at the frontline, it distorted how Xander saw and felt about the world about him. The people, ordinary humans, took on an almost demonic visage and all Xander would see was evil black eyes and stooped bodies that rotted with mortality. It made him feel sick that these people were allowed to walk around in those disgusting shells, hiding the sweet blood that pulsed beyond.

It was the most awful feeling in the world and Xander had asked Spike how he coped with it.

Spike didn’t have to. He was old enough and strong enough to ignore his demon’s attempt at trickery. Oh, the scent of blood still made his mouth water, but he no longer saw humans as lower forms, vessels that were only for taking, feeding and butchering. He saw the truth. Vampires. Humans. They were all the same. It was just that some lived longer and some had strange feeding habits. Kebabs, indeed.

The demon calmed and Xander sighed with relief as it retreated behind the soul. As he looked around, the humans lost their enemy status and Xander looked up one more time to see them all shimmer and return to normal.

"Better, luv?"

“Uh-huh. Much. Spike?”

“What, sweet?”

“*Puurrlease* could you get me a McShit Burger?”

“McShite,” Spike corrected. “What’s in it for me?”

“I’ll let you have the window seat.”

“Deal.”

Spike deposited Xander at the coffee shop with the others and almost skipped off to invade McDonald’s. He definitely hated the ‘restaurant’ with a passion, but Spike liked to think of it as a challenge. Just how many other customers *could* you piss off in the twenty minutes it took to queue for one sodding burger? Spike’s other favourite game was to confuse the hapless soul at the cashdesk. Mix around the change enough and you would be sure to get back more than you started with. It was almost an art form.

Spike picked up the wrapped burger and barged back through the crowd towards the exit. He was grinning happily to himself and humming the Monty Python theme when something caught his eye.

A shock of red hair and a shy, embarrassed smile. “Where’s my Xander?”

**

“Where the hell is my burger?” Xander complained.

“Xander, really! There are children present!”

“No, there aren’t.”

“Well, there could have been,” Giles explained.

“Jeez, *okay*. Where the *devil* is my burger?”

Dawn sniggered at Xander’s accent. It was a pretty good take on Giles. Spike had obviously been teaching more than vampirism for the non-practicing vampire.

“You know you can’t eat it in here, don’t you?”

“I can too! …As long as they don’t see me. Spike! About time too! I was about to give up all hope!”

“Pet, I’ve been ten minutes.”

“Ten minutes is a damn long time when you’re dying of starvation. Erm, where’s my burger?” Xander looked at Spike’s empty hands and his stomach growled with disappointment.

“Is Spike not feeding you properly?” said a voice from behind Spike.

Spike stepped aside to reveal Willow and the lost burger. “I come bearing burgers,” she said.

Xander swallowed and pleaded with his brain to hold back the tears. “Burgers? That looks like just the one burger to me,” he said with a half smile.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I only really wanted the one. I ate not that long ago and I gotta start thinking about my figure…”

“No, I mean, I’m *sorry.*”

“Oh.”

“I freaked, Xan. It was all such a shock…and…my…best friend…and…” Willow teared up quickly and Xander wasn’t far behind.

“I…It’s okay. I understand. It was a shock to me too. Although, I obviously had a year to get over it, but still…”

“I know I’m being all selfish, but I just need you to forgive me. I’m so sorry. I love you so much and…and…”

“I love you, too, Wills. Always love you. Of course I forgive you.”

“Can I…?” Willow hesitated for a moment before continuing. “Can I hug you?”

“Sure. I promise not to get all grr and stuff.”

Willow wiped at her eyes and laughed. “Well, in that case,” she chuckled, flinging her arms around her friend.

Xander closed his eyes and squeezed her tight, his eyes popping open again at thud, a clink of ceramic and metal, and a loud curse. “Um, Spike? I think we’re gonna need another burger.”

**

Xander kept walking and refused to look back. If he did, then it would be all over, they would stay in Sunnydale. Or maybe, less dramatically, they would miss their flight.

Saying goodbye was always hard, even when you were the one leaving by your own choice.

This was the right decision, the right thing to do. Xander had been right when he’d said that the story was over. It was. And it was time to start a new one. A new story full of growing, learning and accepting.

Xander wasn’t stupid enough to think that things were perfect, that his life could go back to the way it was before he died. He’d moved on. His friends had moved on and so had the world. He wasn’t the same Xander Harris anymore and, although his friends were trying their absolute hardest to understand and accept him, they had so much to learn and so many hard shocks to deal with.

Xander knew that he’d hit his friends hard and part of him felt intensely guilty about it. But there also a little part that was happily smug. He’d had so much pain over the last year; perhaps now it was someone else’s turn.

Buffy’s acceptance had been quite a shock, neither Xander or Spike quite believing that she hadn’t put on her Slayer hat. They’d had visions for months that Xander would be on the receiving end of a stake.

Oh, Buffy was still suspicious and still very much alert, but she was willing to put aside her own grievance and even her Slayer instinct to finally support her friend. That’s what friends do, apparently. Support each other.

And as for the rest of the old gang, they were here. All of them.

A Slayer. A Slayer’s sister. A Watcher. And two witches. The guardians of the Hellmouth, all here to say goodbye and pledge their love to two demon hearts.

A testimonial to true friendship.

Xander could feel them behind him, their very presence like a flock of doves flittering through his soul. He smelt their salty tears, heard their hollered goodbyes and felt their palpable sorrow and joy combined. He smiled and kept walking, taking his lover’s hand in his.

They see me. Not Forgotten.

The End