This Place and Time

Xander's eyes shot open and he flailed about the bed.
Sweat trickled down his forehead and he was left
gasping for air in the aftermath of a terrible dream.
Or, at least what he thought was a terrible dream. He
sat up and scanned the room. His body felt so hot, it
was like he was burning from the inside.

He groaned and placed his hand over his forehead,
wiping the cooling sweat from his brow. The heat
seamed unbearable, and his mind flashed with imagines
from the previous evening. Everything had seemed so,
unreal. There were things he remembered which he tried
to forget, but his body ached with pain. It made it
hard for him to believe that it was all just a dream.

Logic won in the end and he knew it couldn't have been
a dream because, after all, he was at Angel's. And
apparently very naked under the covers. However, there
was no Angel. He remembered falling asleep under the
vampire. He remembered holding Angel close and
consoling the vampire as he cried on his shoulder.
That said vampire, however, was no where in sight.

He took a deep breath to calm himself and threw the
covers from his body. The room was cold and the heat
that radiated from him died down. He stared across the
room and at the door. A disturbing thought burrowed
into his mind and he wondered how things were going to
be now. Angel had basically told him not to... What?
Love him? Well not exactly but could there really be
love without trust? Did it even matter?

The answer was a simple no. But what would Angel say
when he was told that he was loved? Maybe the vampire
would take it badly. But Xander couldn’t find it
within himself to comply with the vampires wishes. He
could never go back to treating Angel the way he had
before.

Doubt filled his thoughts and every scenario he played
out in his mind seemed to end badly. He didn't want to
be with Angel if he had to treat him less than human.
Angel was more than that. Angel was the person he
loved. Loved! Every feeling he had felt for someone in
the past didn't come close to what he felt for the
vampire. And he would rather Angel hate him then never
know how he truly felt.

So the question was -- Should he tell Angel he loved
him? Perhaps it wasn't the best idea to reveal that
little fact yet. But when things settled down, and
when he became more comfortable with these feelings,
he decided that he'd tell the vampire. He only prayed
that this all didn't end badly.

Now there was only the door in his way. He wanted to
see the vampire. He really did. But he was a little
frightened.

He groaned and stared intently at the door. Seconds
became minutes and he couldn't bring himself to get
up. This was going to be harder then he thought. But
something had to be done quick. Not that it was
necessary to get up so quickly, but he needed to see
Angel sooner or later.

Finding the strength he hopped out of bed and
gradually made his way toward the door. Another
staring session took place, only this time with the
doorknob. Maybe he didn't want to turn it. Maybe he'd
wait for Angel to come back. Or maybe he'd explode
into a thousand pieces on the floor, he really didn't
know. There were too many maybes going through his
mind. Another side effect of overly thinking and never
finishing his thoughts. Doorknob, twist, turn, that
was easy enough.

Before he could reach for the knob, it turned – he
froze. It made a complete rotation and he stood back,
watching in fright as the door slowly crept open. He
knew that it had to be Angel. But what if... What if
Angel was the same as last night? Would he get hurt
again?

Fear was stupid, he didn't want to feel that. At least
not around Angel. There were already things that he
feared, and he didn't need one of them to be the
souled vampire. But last night had truly terrified
him.

Calm and collected, he chanted to himself. There was
no way he was going to let fear take over. He willed
it away and took a deep breath before the door fully
opened.

To his surprise Angel walked through the threshold
with... a smile on his face? OK, not really what he
was expecting but it was a lot better than what he had
anticipated.

"Good morning," Angel said cheerfully and kissed his
lips softly.

"Uh... Good morning?" The chipper attitude had sent
Xander's into shock. But that smile which he loved was
spread across vampires perfect face and he felt that
he could melt into the floor.

"Well, technically good afternoon. But I thought
morning was more appropriate. I made you eggs."

His gaze traveled down the vampires beautiful pale
skin and soon came to the plate in Angel's hand. Also,
Angel was just as naked as he was. The sight of both
made his mouth water.

"Umm. You're hungry right?"

Xander shook his head and smiled. So no insane vampire
this morning. That was definitely a sign that today
was going to be better than the last.

"No, I am. Um, where do we eat? Kitchen?"

"Well I was actually hoping for a breakfast in bed. So
if you don't mind..." Angel walked over to the bed and
sat in the middle, sitting up, with his back rested
against the bedpost. "Sit," the vampire commanded and
rubbed his hand over the spot in between his spread
legs.

With a dopey grin on his face Xander practically
sprinted to the bed and plopped himself between
Angel's legs, nearly causing the vampire to drop the
plate in his hand. Angel definitely had the ability to
make him happy. Some of the fear was let go and he
began to feel more at ease. God, he really loved this
vampire.

Cool arms wrapped around Xander's waist and held him
close, the plate was set in his hands and he took it.
The vampires grip was firm, and normally would have
been nice, but Xander felt a twinge of pain go through
his body. He froze and stared at the plate for a
moment. For some reason all he thought about was home,
and how he was going to have to go back today. Sad --
that was the only word he could use to describe what
he was feeling.

"What's wrong? Why aren't you eating?" Angel asked.

The vampire’s arms tightened around him and he felt
that safe feeling coming back. Angel buried his face
in the hollow of his shoulder and kissed his skin
lightly. "Not hungry?"

"Umm... No I'm hungry. I was just thinking. Sorry."

"What about?"

"Nothing." Xander said softly. He grabbed the fork off
the plate and was about to eat, but Angel's arms
unwrapped themselves from his waist and the vampire
forced him to settle his meal in between his legs. The
action caused him to flinch. Why was he flinching?

"What's wrong?" Angel spoke into his ear. The cool air
escaping the vampire’s lips tingled the small hairs on
his neck, which forced him to hold back a giggle.

"Don't do that. It tickles." Xander felt Angel settle
back down on his shoulder and he let out a sigh.

"OK. But what's on your mind?" the vampire asked.

Xander's body went rigid in the vampire’s arms. It was
embarrassing and he didn't want to share any of his
feelings. Not to mention what he was thinking was a
bit mushy and weird. He didn't want to say it. Nope,
no way.

The plate was grabbed from his hands and placed on the
nightstand before the vampires arms returned to their
position around his waist. A cool, wet, length,
traveled up his neck and up to his ear; Angel was
licking him. The vampire bit lightly into his earlobe
and he gasped. It felt so good, and he could feel his
cock growing as the vampires tongue continued playing
with his ear.

His mind went blank and gave himself over completely
to Angel's touch. Cool, soft hands rubbed over his
chest and he felt the thumb and index fingers roll
slow circles over his nipples before the sensitive
brown nubs were pinched playfully. A whimper escaped
his lips and he thrust his hips up involuntarily;
trying to find friction for his achingly hard cock. He
needed more of Angel's sweet mouth, more of that cool
skin on his warm skin.

Nestled against the vampire he felt Angel's hard cock
pressed against his back. He rubbed against the length
which caused the vampire to bite lightly into his
neck. That was enough to send him over the edge and he
was about to come -- But didn't when the vampire took
hold of his erection and held firm. All movement
ceased and he was left panting heavily with
unfulfilled desire.

"Why did you stop?" Xander said breathlessly.

"Tell me what's going on... then we'll continue."
Xander made himself still. Why did Angel have to do
that? Another blissful moment abruptly ruined. He
wished the vampire would just let it be, but instead
Angel's grip tightened and the vampire growled at him.
"Xander... Tell me what's on your mind... NOW!"

"Fine!" Xander huffed. He relaxed his body and tilted
his head back against the vampires shoulder. "You know
you're evil right?"

There was no response. One arm tightened around his
chest and the other still placed firmly on his
erection. It was a very comfortable position and he
wished they could stay still like statues forever. No
moving, no talking, just this. Him in Angel's arms.
Safety at last.

Xander's gaze fixed on the ceiling and he sighed. "I
just... I guess I really like being here. I don't want
to... I don't want to... Uh, forget it."

"You're going to have to tell me sooner or later. Or
you can just stay here."

"What if that's what I want?"

"You mean you want to stay here?" Angel said a bit
shocked.

"Well what do you think?"

Angel's gripped loosened slightly and Xander could
feel the vampire brooding -- if that was even
possible. But hey, it was Angel and that's what the
dark vampire did best. But Angel could so clueless.

Xander felt a little offended. Could Angel really not
see how much he cared? That all he wanted to do was
stay with him? Unnecessary laughter built up inside
and Xander couldn’t help himself. He laughed at the
vampire holding him.

"God you should have that patented... I'm sorry but
you're just so damn clueless. Maybe that's why we
never got along before. And you want to know what's
worse? It's even starting to rub off on me." The
laughter continued and echoed loudly through the large
room.

Xander's eyes filled with tears and he was unable to
stop. "It's pretty damn weird if you ask me. Not even
a week ago I couldn't stand you. Now... God, now I
can't even stop thinking about you... It's pretty damn
funny," he repeated.

Once he was finished speaking Xander's laughter died
down and he took the opportunity to wipe away the
tears from his face.

An awkward silence swept the room. Xander nearly
gasped for air when Angel's arms wrapped tightly
around him. That sad feeling came back to him and he
didn't know why he felt it again. But it was now mixed
with a bit of anger and he felt disoriented.

"I don't think that's very funny." The vampire’s voice
was serious.

"Well it's funny to me."

Xander couldn't help feeling the way he did. He just
wanted to stay here with Angel for as long as
possible. But he didn't want to come out and say it.
That was too much to admit to the vampire right now.
Especially after the night before. There was something
else there too. It was that stupid empty/sad feeling.
Why the hell was he feeling that?

Xander took a deep breath and calmed himself. That
empty/sad feeling was pushed to the side and he
concentrated on Angel.

"Are you mad me?" the vampire asked.

Xander snorted. "Of course not. I could never be
mad... I'm not mad." Angel went back to brooding mode
and Xander felt guilty for having laughed at him a
moment ago. "Did I... Did I hurt your feelings?"

No response.

"Angel! What's wrong? I'm sorry I didn't mean to..."

"Is it about last night?" Angel interrupted.

Xander took a moment to think about it, and he knew it
wasn't. But Angel obviously thought it was, because
the vampire tensed up and buried his face in the crook
of his shoulder.

"I'm sorry Xander. I didn't mean to scare you like
that."

"You didn't scare me." Xander replied.

"Really? Are you sure? Because if I'm not mistaken it
was you I smelled fear on this morning. You were
scared."

"Stop pushing it OK? That's not what it was. I. was.
not. Afraid!"

"Yes you were." The vampires grip tightened a bit and
a small amount of pain pulsed through Xander's body.
"Are you scared of me Xander?" Angel spoke softly.

That feeling he dismissed returned and Xander tensed.
He felt the need to leave. Last night had scared him,
it was true. But he didn't want to admit it. He just
wanted it to go back to the way it was before, and
forget about what was said. He loved Angel so damn
much and he didn't want to fear the vampire. Why did
he have to push? Couldn't Angel just settle for a 'I
don't want to talk about it'?

But the vampire wouldn't, so Xander decided he needed
to get away. He tried to move, but the grip Angel had
on his body was unwavering and he couldn't get up. So
he settled himself once again between the vampire’s
legs and sat, his gaze to the wall.

"Please don't leave," Angel pleaded. "I'm sorry for
what I did. I didn't mean to scare you it just got a
little out of hand. I lost control."

Xander felt tears coming to the surface of his eyes.
He felt stupid because he didn't know where they were
coming from. It was that stupid awkward feeling again.
If tears came he knew wasn't going to be able to stop
them. He took deep breaths and tried his best to get a
hold of his emotions.

His gaze traveled to hands and for the first time he
noticed his wrists. They were bruised and purple with
a shade of black. They felt sore and he knew he had
just dismissed them earlier because he didn't want to
remember. He didn't want to believe Angel would really
hurt him.

Angel wouldn't hurt him. He wouldn't, he wouldn't,
Xander chanted in his head.

That's when the tears fell. He felt so stupid because
he didn't know where they came, and why they wouldn't
stop. God, why wouldn't the stupid tears stop?

"You hurt me." Xander whispered, his voice shaky and
rasp.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I told you, I just lost
control."

"I guess I just don't like it when I get hurt, that's
all." Xander's voice remained low and he could barely
concentrate on his wrists with all the tears blurring
his eyesight. But they wouldn't stop. Seeing the
damage that Angel -- his love -- had caused, made him
want to cry.

"You get hurt all the time Xander."

Angel's words set something off inside him and that
sadness he was feeling was replaced with anger. He
struggled to pull away. This was his time to leave. He
didn't want to get upset over something he had no
control over; he didn't want to be mad at Angel, so he
had to leave. But Angel's grip remained firm, and
almost became crushing as he struggled violently
against the vampire.

"Get the hell off me!" Xander shouted. The vampires
grip tightened further and Xander felt fear again. He
panicked and his movements became more frantic.

"NO!" Angel shouted back.

Xander lost control and before he could comprehend
what he was doing he elbowed Angel's head and stumbled
to the corner of the bed as the vampire let go of his
waist.

"YOU DON'T GET IT!" Xander screamed and turned to face
the vampire. Something took over his body and he
didn't know where the words were coming from. They
just came out. "You're not supposed to get hurt by
people who you feel safe with. That's not how it
should be. But I guess that's what happens. Those who
you think are suppose to protect you, who you feel
should always be there, never really are. Are they?"
Xander's face filled with more tears and he stared at
his wrists. It made him feel hurt. Why the hell was he
acting like this? He felt so pathetic.

"Oh god. Just look at me. I'm such a baby."

Angel watched wide eyed at Xander. Why did he have to
push so hard? Xander was shaking, his gaze fixed on
his wrists. Those wrists which he had hurt. Those
human wrists which he could easily have snapped, and
yet he kept pushing, he kept hurting. How could he
hurt the boy like that?

"Xander I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize to me... I'm just... I don't know."
Xander brought his shaking hand up to his face and
wiped his nose. "God. Why does this keep happening?
You know what the funny part is? I still want to be
here. I still want you. And you fucking hurt me."

All the crying and tears made Xander lightheaded. He
felt faint and fell forward unto the mattress. But he
was caught. Strong hands wrapped around his body and
his face was buried in Angel's broad chest.

"I'm sorry Xander. I didn't know. I promise I
won't..."

"Please don't promise that." Xander mumbled into the
vampire’s chest. "It'll just hurt more if it happens
again. And you can't really promise because it
probably will happen again. So just don't."

Angel looked at the boy in his arms and felt his heart
clench. Xander wasn't telling him something. He knew
all these emotions weren't all directed at him and
whatever it was had broken the boy, * his * boy,
inside. There had to be something he could do.
Something he could offer Xander that would make this
pain stop.

"Xander it won't happen I again. I * promise *. I'll
never hurt you again."

"You said I couldn't treat you like a human. But I
can't do that Angel. I just can't. I want to feel safe
with you. But that was the whole point of last night
right? That I really couldn't. But I want too. I just
want to feel safe for once, and you make me feel that.
I still want to feel that, but you're pushing me away.
I'm so sick of being pushed away. For once I'd like to
just feel what I feel without someone telling me I
shouldn't. I want to be here for y..."

Xander didn't finish. His throat was too dry and the
words just stopped. He let himself be held and let the
tears wash away that feeling that had been ripping him
apart inside. There was no strength left in him to
fight it off any longer.

Time stopped for both Xander and Angel. They remained
wrapped around each other and the only sounds that
could be heard were Xander's sobs.

When Xander finally calmed himself Angel decided that
it was time he'd make things right again. He couldn't
let Xander go on feeling this way, and he needed to
find out what was hurting his boy.

"Xander I need to ask you something?"

Xander took his head off the vampires chest and wiped
the drying tears from his face. His eyes met Angel's
and they stared at each other for a moment before
nodding.

"This week I have business to take care of. But next
weekend... I want you here. The whole weekend just you
and me alright?" Angel cupped the boys cheek and wiped
away more drying tears.

"Really?" Xander said softly as he leaned into the
caress. Did he just hear that right? A whole weekend.
Just him and Angel? He prayed he hadn't heard wrong.

"Yeah, really."

The vampire nodded and embraced his boy with a
comforting kiss.

TBC