Saying It With Flowers

Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Pairing: Xander/William
Rating: G then R then NC17 ( but not till later…..he he he)
Author: Mightbeme
E-mail: Lee_Michelle_t@hotmail.com
Feedback: Yes please
Disclaimer: Not mine, don’t own em (pout…stamps foot….dammit) they belong to Joss etc.

Spoilers: Up to Same Time Same Place and then we take a left and head off road.
Thanks: Dedicated as always to Meg, love you hon. My heartfelt appreciation to Michelle and Edi for being wonderful beta’s. Hugs and snuggles to Eatenbyweasels for poking me into getting another chapter out. My thanks to Seige and Sofy for their insights.


Notes: Thoughts in * * flashbacks in # #

Saying It With Flowers

Chapter 13

Xander

“William, wait….”

There was only a flash of William’s tear-filled face as he pulled away from me. I didn’t understand what was going on. Everything seemed fine, more than fine, fantastic even. William’s kisses were so sweet and god-dammed hot that my body still tingled from the contact. What the hell happened?

My arm automatically reached out, fingers grasping air, far too late to stop William from leaving my bed. It was a slow start, but when my brain finally caught up with the fact that he was leaving, not just the bed but also the room, I tried to follow him. The sheets tangled around my ankles as I tried to scramble from the bed. Clumsily I hit the floor with a thump still struggling with what seemed like miles of cotton wrapped around me. Panic rose like a tidal wave inside me, it surged when I heard the front door bang shut. Stunned I could only sit there blinking, utterly confused because William was gone and something was wrong, very wrong.

The pit of my stomach plunged, like I had jumped out of a plane and was free falling without a parachute. I finally managed to jerk the sheets off my legs and stumbled after William toward the door. Thankfully, the part of my brain that was still functioning kicked in after I got halfway across the room to remind me I was only wearing boxers.

*Shit, clothes…clothes…get dressed, Xander, then you can follow him. *

Grabbing up the first shirt I came across, I thrust it over my head. My panic was a great motivator, as I pulled my jeans on while looking around for my sneakers. Hopping on one leg, I put them on, managing to not fall over again. I spied William’s glasses where I’d left them and carefully placed them in my shirt pocket.

I snatched up my keys and ran headlong through the apartment, slamming the front door behind me. Luckily, Willow had fast reflexes, because I nearly collided with her in my rush to find William. She clung to my shoulders, red hair flying, trying to avoid being dropped to the floor.

“Geez, Xan, give a girl some warning there.” When her eyes met mine, she knew something was wrong, “Are you okay? Where are you going in such a hurry?”

I steadied her and turned to leave, grateful beyond words when she fell into step alongside me. I felt ashamed to have pushed William, but it felt so good to finally stop fighting myself and have him in my arms.

“God, Willow, I’m sorry. William ran away. Did you pass him on the way up?” The question’s urgent tone caused her green eyes to cloud with concern.

We took the stairs two at a time, rushing to reach the ground floor. Due to Willow’s calming presence the horrible feeling in my gut settled a little. Instead of a plunge from a great height it was more like a bungee jump without the water.

“No, I haven’t.” She paused, her steps slowing slightly, concentration lines crinkled between her brows. “I came the usual way from Buffy’s and didn’t see him.”

Possibilities whirled through my mind, places we had been and different routes to and from the apartment. I had to hope he’d gone in the direction opposite to the way Willow arrived.

“He must have gone the other way. Let’s go. I’ve got to find him, Will’s, I did something wrong and he… he ran.”

My voice broke on the last word. Willow’s fingers threaded through mine, taking my hand in a comforting grip, letting me know she was there for me.

“Xan, what happened? You know you can tell me anything?” The expression on Willow’s face was one I remembered well. I never could lie to her when she used that one. I tried to order my thoughts, going through the morning’s events methodically.

“I…I don’t know?” I paused, speaking to her without letting my gaze settle on her. Restlessly, I scanned the area for signs of William. “He woke me up this morning, and he made me breakfast in bed.” Willow went to say something but I cut her off knowing what the question would be. “No, we didn’t sleep together.” She shrugged, apparently not surprised by my answer. “He gave me another flower, and it was so…it felt so right.”

We reached the street and started jogging away from the direction Willow had come. The sunny day did nothing to make me feel better. All I could see was William’s teary face as he pulled away from the circle of my arms. That, and the hint of disgust I saw in his eyes, drove icy spikes into the pit of my stomach. I was so confused. I didn’t force him; I would never do that to another person. I had no idea what I’d done wrong. I could only think that I’d pushed him into something he wasn’t ready for. William was so shy, so gentle. I should have known better. Willow nudged me and I continued my story, heat stained my face with shame as the words came out in a rush.

“We were kissing. God, Willow, he’s just so beautiful. I couldn’t help myself. I pushed him too far, too fast. He couldn’t get out of the damn bed fast enough. It’s all my fault. Stupid Xander tried to get into his pants, and he ran a mile.”

Tears were gathering in my eyes, and I brushed them angrily away. I felt more than heard Willow’s soothing words flow over me as she tried to explain.

“Xan, don’t be so hard on yourself. You have to realise that William is from the Victorian era. Sex wasn’t something you just had back then, it was part of a commitment.”

I saw the trees lining the park, and on instinct steered our pursuit in that direction. William loved plants, so maybe he was there. I knew I was crushing Willow’s hand in relief, but I couldn’t help it when I saw William’s familiar form huddled under a tree. The relief faded fast, though and anxiety came crashing back down. I couldn’t bring myself to move any closer. What if he didn’t want to see me? What if he ran again? These feelings I had for him were so new, I was terrified I’d do something else to ruin it. Willow’s gaze was locked on William as she tried to tug me in his direction.

“Xan, look, he’s all right,” she said, her eyes locked on the bright locks of gold hair spilling over the arms he rested his head on.

I said nothing but shuffled my feet, unsure what to do, except to feel like the biggest heel in the world. Willow tugged on my hand again, just to get my attention. The glance I threw her must have showed the fear I felt, before my gaze was drawn back to the tree’s lone companion.

“Xan, what flower did he give you?” Willow’s question threw me for a moment and I looked down at her. * Uh oh, resolve face* I knew better than to avoid the question when she was wearing that expression.

The image of the flower floated in front of my eyes, the waxy petals open wide, the red and white stripes clearly enhancing its perfection. I managed not to choke on my words as I described William’s gift.

“Umm, it was red and white. He said it was a…a variegated tulip. I didn’t have time to ask him what it meant. Is it bad? Oh God, what if it means he hates me?”

Ice wrapped around my heart, and a shiver of dread ran up my spine at the unwelcome thought. Was he trying to tell me something? Maybe I’d done something wrong, or he just wanted to be friends? I wished I had the little book with me so I could know for sure what the flower meant. When I looked at Willow, I was surprised at the relief that settled over her face. I went perfectly still, hope peeking through the fear. Maybe the flower meant something good.

“Oh, Xander.”

She slid her arms around my waist, hugging me tightly, her voice creaking with emotion.

“It means you have beautiful eyes, Xander. He thinks you have beautiful eyes. It doesn’t sound like he wanted to run from you.”

Stunned my eyes darted back to William, huddled and wretched, and I wanted so much to go to him, to fold him into my arms and keep him safe. But would I make things better or worse? Willow saw my hesitation and stepped away, glancing over her shoulder at the object of my affection.

“You wait here and I’ll go talk to him, okay?”

I felt myself nodding, not wanting to spook William into running again. I took the wire-rimmed glasses out of my pocket and handed them over to Willow. I anxiously watched as she walked toward him. After everything that happened last night my pouncing on him was probably the last straw. When she reached his side she crouched down next to him and placed her hand gently on his shoulder. His face turned up toward her like a flower opening to the sun, but it was the lost look he wore that broke my heart.

Just watching them together hurt. I had done that to him, I had made him run. Stupid Xander had treated precious William like a piece of meat and paid the price. My self-loathing grew with each hesitant move William made. My heart ached as I watched the wet trails of tears that still glistened on his cheeks. I was ashamed that Willow was the one to give him comfort. She handed him his glasses and he looked at them for a moment, obviously confused, before he put them on.

They talked for what seemed to be hours, but in reality could only have been a few minutes. After a while she directed William’s attention toward me. I saw his cheeks flame, his eyes flickering to me and then shying away. Fresh pain lanced through my heart at his apparent rejection, the frustration making my fingers curl into fists at my side.

*God, this is too hard. He hates me. I have to leave before I break down. *

I was about to walk away when I heard Willow call my name. One glance in her direction and I was moving, drawn back as William rose unsteadily to his feet, leaning against the tree. He looked frailer than he ever had before, like his legs wouldn’t be able to carry him. I ran the remaining distance, skidding to a stop in front of him. I reached out my hand hesitantly, still afraid of being rejected.

“William…?”

I forcibly swallowed the lump that had lodged in my throat, as I took in the tear-stained face and red-rimmed eyes. Even like that, he was still beautiful.

“William, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”

Tousled wheat-blond hair fell in waves around his face, his glasses slightly askew as he looked innocently up at me. As unsure as I was about the situation I couldn’t look away. I was drawn to him, and once I came into range of his charm I was caught. Without conscious thought my hand rose, fingers outstretched to lightly touch the tears that glistened on his pale cheek.

“William, I...” Words wouldn’t come, but what I wanted to say fled when his warm fingers curled around my raised hand. Soft lips brushed over my knuckles and I shivered in a bone-deep reaction to his mouth on my skin.

“Hush, Alex. It wasn’t you, or your … our wants, that drove me from your side. I…I couldn’t face him.” His voice dropped to a bare whisper “The demon.”

My heart stopped, I’m sure of it. Those words clenched around it, keeping it from beating as I felt the blood drain from my face.

“What demon, William?” I already knew but I had to ask.

William was trembling, I could feel it and yet I couldn’t help the rage that bubbled up at the sound of that hated name.

“Spike.”


William


“What demon, William?”

I couldn’t help it. I shrank back against the tree, hiding from the obvious anger in Alex’s voice. His pain battered me, giving me another reason to curse the demon’s hold on my mind. I could not help but remember what my alter ego had put Alex through. There was not just pain from the physical violence, but also the pain of being belittled and ignored.


#That’s it! I am way past due with you. I hate to break it to you, oh impotent one, but you’re not the big bad any more. You’re not even the kind of naughty. You’re nothing but a waste of space – my space! And as much as I always got a big laugh watching Buffy kick your shiny white bum, as much as I know I can give you a little bum-kicking myself right now, I’m here to tell you something. You’re not even worth it. I’m out of here. #


“Spike, he….he talks to me. He’s so vile. I had to get away from him.”

I flinched as Alex’s hand clenched. I let go and it dropped back to his side as he unconsciously stepped away, rejection evident in every line of his body. Willow’s arm blocked his way, preventing him from moving further, and I could only watch the myriad emotions flicker across his face.

Spike had always been a thorn in Alex’s side, first as an opponent who was physically stronger and then as a forced companion. Their unfortunate circumstances gave him no respite from the thing he hated. Here was someone who had done his best to annoy Alex on a daily basis. Not only that, Spike actively wished him harm, he laughed at his failures, and belittled his triumphs. When Alex found out two of the women he loved had slept with Spike, he had been devastated.


# You were trying to stake yourself! #

# Fag off! - It’s no concern of yours. #

# Is, too. For one thing that’s my shirt you’re about to dust. For another, we’ve shared a lot here. You should have trusted me enough to do it for you. #

# Xander! #

# What? He wants to die, I want to help. #


Spike’s memories cascaded through me, one after another, as I stood shivering against the tree. I was caught like an insect against the bark and pinned under Alex’s unnerving gaze.


#Spike hitting Xander with a microscope#


Alex’s eyes darkened with fury as he stared into my face. I was sure the unpleasant memories of Spike we shared were threatening to overwhelm us. Alex seemed to be trying to sense the taint of Spike’s presence within me.


# I forgot. Willy Wannabite can't hurt me. Dumb to pick a fight, I guess. #

# Xander. #

# Guys...#

# More than happy to beat you right through the pain, you pathetic poof. #


Words, which had always been my ally, failed me for what seemed like the first time in my life, and I struggled to find my voice and a way to appease Alex.

“Remember the flowers, Xander, what they meant? What William means to you?”

My eyes fell on the red haired witch, and the encouraging smile she sent my way soothed my frayed nerves. I should have known that secrets of the heart could never be kept between such fond friends. Alex was, after all, closer to Willow than a brother; her oldest and dearest friend. The realization that he now knew there was a secret language of flowers made me blush deeply. That small heat spread rapidly to the rest of my face, because that meant he had understood my messages and divined my attraction. Spike’s thoughts were banished under the flood of love that came surging through me. Unbidden, an oft-used quote from my favourite poet, Thomas Hood, found its way to my lips.

“Sweet flowers alone can say what passion fears revealing.”

Little by little, Alex’s frowning visage softened until a rueful smile pulled at the corners of his mouth.

“I’m sorry, William. I shouldn’t have reacted like that, but Spike.” Alex sighed and shrugged his shoulders. “ Well, let’s say he brings out the worst in me and leave it at that.”

I nodded at his smile, indicating without words that I did indeed know. Alex’s hand reached out to catch mine, his touch soft and gentle, as if he was handling the finest china.

“ I don’t know what we have to do to help you.” He began earnestly and I held my breath, just watching him, my fingers caught in his warm and tender grasp.

“But I’ll do anything I can,” he concluded.

Willow’s soft voice chimed in as I edged toward Alex’s arms, only vaguely aware that she was leaving us.

“And so will I. In fact, I think I should go call Giles now, see if he knows of something that could help.”

I took a step closer to Alex, and he pulled me against his chest, back where I so longed to be. He cradled me in his arms, and I let my eyes drift shut, content to just breathe in his scent. Nothing in my life had ever felt like this, so good, so comforting, and so right. My lips rested on the soft skin of his neck and I nuzzled in, the steady beat of his pulse thrumming. One of his hands came up to thread through my hair, fingers rubbing in soft circles, easing me further. His free hand found my chin, which he gently tilted up so he could look into my face. Rainbows of refracted light shimmed through the scattered tears that clung to my lashes, and I blinked them away, swallowing at the wealth of emotion I saw in Alex’s eyes as I gazed up at him.

Slowly, ignoring everything around us, he bent his head, those expressive eyes still open, his lips meeting mine in the softest of caresses. A promise was inherent in the whisper of his breath, in the way he held me, as if I was the most precious of possessions. More tears seeped out as I closed my eyes, returning his kiss, letting passion’s sweet languor overwhelm me. Alex’s embrace became tighter, his arms gripping me with an almost fierce desire.

With a gasp, he wrenched his lips away, his arms still locked around my body. His voice trembled with suppressed desire, his breath stirred the tousled locks of my hair as he breathed the words.

“God, Will, what you do to me…it’s incredible.”

My own breathing was shaky with unsated passion, and yet I smiled into his chest, hugging him to me in relief. Physical proof of our attraction was more than evident from the close contact between us. But now was not the time to explore these avenues. It was however, enough to bind us closer together.

“We….better go see if Willow’s found out anything”

Tbc