Therapy

Chapter 13 / Therapy
Disclaimer in chapter 1

Willow spent her Sunday deep in thought and journaling furiously, loathing herself, making sure she allowed no mercy in cataloging all the damage she had caused to the people she loved.

Facing her controlling actions and the harm she had brought into being. She vacillated between horror at her behavior, and a soul shattering sorry for the loses she was feeling.

Knowing she was blessed with friends that had not turned from her, she wondered what they had seen in her to keep them standing by her.

She could hardly wait for her next session with Jule. She had a lot of work to do. She had a list of her mistakes and was anxious to start repairing the damage to her friendships.

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Monday morning Willow marched purposefully into Jule's office, clutching her journal

Jule sat at the reception desk, looking up she said, "Willow I'm the one who should be taking notes, you aren't going to be tested on the work we do. You do know that right?"

"Well, I did some work on my own and I thought you might, -um, - I thought we could go over it together." She explained.

"I see. I guess you're ready to get started then?" Jule responded.

They moved into the office, and settles in their chairs, as Willow flipped open her journal, "I made a list of what I've done wrong and maybe how I can fix it."

"Willow, I thought you had realized the you shouldn't 'fix' things, you need to change your way of reacting to things." Jule stated firmly.

"No, no. I didn't mean fix it fix it. I mean, I meant atone for it, change the way I approach it." She whispered.

"Atone?" Jule questioned, " Why do you feel the need to atone for your actions?"" I " I think it all started early in my freshman year of college." Willow began, " My boyfriend was a werewolf, and a musician. Veruca was a female singer, and a werewolf too."

"Ahem," she cleared her throat, " She ran wild, while Oz would lock himself in a cage on the three night of the full moon. She seduced him, and I was so hurt I started to do a vengeance spell on them."

Willow blushed, "I didn't finish it, but Oz had to kill her to protect me, and he decided to leave until he could control the wolf inside. It really hurt me that he didn't want to stay with me."

"But that is where I started to use magic to solve problems. I should have learned. I didn't though."

Jule looked straight at Willow and asked, "Is that the first time your emotions effected your magic?"

"Well, no but it was the first conscious time, the first time It was just levitating a pencil, you know practicing control, and I started to talk about a girl that really pissed me off, and anteanted the pencil about 5 inches deep in a tree."

"I see, shall we get on with your list?"

" About two weeks after Oz left I was feeling really depressed, and I tried to do a 'My Will Be Done' spell, to make him come back, but instead...."

"Instead what?"

"I felt like nobody cared and I got mad and said a lot of spiteful things, that came true."

"Like what?" Jule probed.

" I said Giles was too 'Blind' to see, and Xander was just a 'Demon Magnet' and that Buffy and Spike should just 'Get Married' and it all happened."

"You corrected it though. Right?"

"Yes and they weren't really mad at me, they forgave me. I was still very new to the craft it was a mistake, and I baked a bunch of cookies."

"I see forgiveness through baked goods." Jule replied.

"My next big mistake was when Faith pulled a body switch with Buffy, I didn't even realize it. Tara was the one, I doubted her. But finally, we did a spell that switched her back." Willow sniffled, "Ituldnuldn't have taken so long, I should have seen it."

Willow exhaled deeply, "My next error was Jealousy. Plain and simple. Xander was dating Anya, and I was so sure she was out to hurt him, that we were arguing in the 'Magic Box' and I released a Troll."
"A Troll?" Jule was puzzled.

"Not just any Troll, it was Olaf, one that Anya had cursed and boy did he wreak havoc, he destroyed the 'Bronze' and hurt a lot of people."

"So far it appears that you have an anger problem, as well as a magic problem." Jule observed.

"Yeah but this is where I started to fix things." Willow answered. "When Joyce died, Dawn was so upset, she asked me to bring her back. Tara said no we couldn't, but I knew it could be done."

Jule looked horrified, "You didn't did you?"


"No, but I nudged the book with the spell out so Dawn could find it. Tara reamed me out about it, and I told Buffy, she stopped Dawn before it was too late."

"Tara and I had a big fight about it all, that was when Glory did her mind suck thing on Tara, and I got all avenging lover, and faced off a 'Hell God' Buffy had to come in and save me. But I did manage to hurt her."

" I see so anger was a big part of your power? Is that right?" Jule asked.

"Yes it seems to have been that way. Cause when Glory kidnapped Dawn and Buffy went catatonic, I knew I could go into her mind and reach her, but Spike and Giles were in my face warning me of the dangers. It td med me off enough to do it anyway, and it worked."

"Go on."

"When we had the show-down with Glory, I was so furious, at what she had done to the people I loved, I found powers I never knew I had. I ripped Tara's mind back from her, and could talk to the gang telepathically. But Buffy died anyway."

"And you were what? Angry, that you didn't save the day?"

Willow looked down sighing, "I think I was angry that Buffy didn't wait for me to 'fix it' so I spent the whole time she was dead directing the patrolling and augmenting the gang with my power."

Willow stared at Jule, " I wanted to bring Buffy back, I rationalized it that she was in a hell dimension, but really I wanted her to see how strong I had become. To admit I didn't need her protection, I could handle myself."

In a defeated voice she continued, "I didn't even get that right, Oh Buffy's all right, but I brought back a demon with her. It's called thaumogenisis. The price you pay if you ask the powers for more than your share."

Willow sat up straighter and said, " I am such a fool, I went off on a rant about the stereotyping of witches, and I see now that it's the way people visualize what happens to those of us that use the craft for our own good."

Her voice softened, " Tara and I had a fight about it and I used Lethe's weed to make her forget. Then Sweet came to town and we found out that Buffy had been in heaven, I told the gang I could make her forget it and then she'd feel better, but Tara got mad and told me I was using to much magic, she threatened to leave. I told her I would quit for a month."

Willow sobbed, "But I 'knew' better, so I did another Lethe's spell, but it was too much, and everyone lost their memories. Nobody knew who they were, and it almost got us killed." She stopped to wipe her eyes, "That was when I lost Tara's trust, and she left me."

Willow blew her nose as she continued, " I really let my emotions get the better of me then, I turned Amy back into a human, and the two of us started going on these sprees."

Wringing her hands she forged on, " I started going to Rack's and I got so overloaded, then I nearly killed Dawn. I'm on probation with me friends, they are so afraid I'll go back to it, that they don't trust me."

Willow sat like a wind-up toy with a broken spring, as Jule looked at her.

"Willow, You seem to be seeing more clearly what has happened to you. Do you see a way to change what has happened, and how your friends feel or react to you?"

" Maybe if I talk to them, I mean really talk, to them. Explain what I was feeling, and why I was acting that way. Maybe if they understood it they might be able to rebuild the trust."

"Would you like to 'rehearse' on me?" Jule asked.

"I think so. Here goes. Ahem. I was always the geek, the bookworm, and computer freak. When I found out I was able to use the craft, it gave me a false confidence. I began to feel like I knew more, and was smarter than non-craft people. I stopped listening to you and to my own self. My ego took over."

"Instead of facing my anger, I used magic. I was wrong, and I ask you to forgive me, and to help me remember that life is for the individual to live, not for your friends to control."

Jule's eyes lit up, "I am truly impressed. Willow, that was wonderful. If you really mean what you said, I see you and your friends finding your way back to each other. But you and I need to work on anger management for you as well."

" OK, but do you really think they will forgive me? Then it's worth it to give up the magic." Willow stated.

"I wanted to talk with you about that."Jule said.

"Why?" Willow was puzzled.

"I think it may be possible for you to still use magic. But it will be hard."

" NO I don't even want to think about it." Willow stormed.

"Listen please, I am not saying solo. I have an acquaintance that teaches Wiccan theory, and she is the high priestess of a coven. She could help you start with little steps."

" But you don't understand! Any magic at all and I get all sparky and buzzy, I lose all control, it controls me, like I've burned out my capacitors or something." Willow wailed.

"Than you definitely need to see Rowan. She can take you through a ritual purge
To cleanse your system. It sounds as if you need one and the sooner the better."

A purge? To take it away?"

"Just a cleansing to empty out the overload." Jule explained. "It will bring balance back to you."

"I think I should see her." Willow agreed.

"Good I'll give you her number as we go out our time is up for today." Jule answered.

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Willow and Jule walked out of the office to the front desk. Then they set her next appointment, and she got the phone number for Rowan.