Was It Always Like This?

Chapter 11

He came downstairs feeling much more clean and awake. By the complete lack of noise he was fairly sure that Buffy, Xander and Dawn had left and he instinctively headed for the kitchen to find Willow. She was busy making more tea and he leaned against the door frame watching her for a moment before sighing. “Do you need a hand?” he asked as she turned to look at him.

“Nope, I’m doing fine” she smiled back at him. “Buffy and the others went to the Magic Box to help Anya close up so that she could join us for dinner”

He nodded and took the tray from her, putting it down next to her laptop on the dining room table. “I only hope I can stay awake long enough to enjoy the evening”

“If you are too tired we can do this tomorrow” she suggested again.

“No, I think I would rather do something with my brain to help me forget the disgruntled children and appalling airline movies” he poured them both tea and then pointed towards the laptop. “I askecollcolleague of mine to gather some final pieces of information and email them to both of us, perhaps you could check if you have received anything yet?”

“You are really getting into this electronic age, aren’t you?” she said, trying not to laugh at him. “Remind me to show you how to use net-meeting while you are here”

“You can check to see if it will work on my laptop, I brought it with me” he sipped his tea and tried not to look smug. “I do get quite a few emails and, as I refuse to get a mobile phone, it is the only way the Council can contact me when I am on my travels”

Willow pulled up some information and turned the screen so that he could read it as well. “Maybe you’ll be showing me a thing or two before your holiday is over?” she asked and then saw the look of astonishment on his face. She replayed her remark in her head and felt herself blush as she realised the connotation. “Oh, goddess I only meant with the computer and stuff and I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to embarrass you and anyway, gay now, so no showing of things required, in either direction and..” she ground to a halt as he started to laugh. “First you turn into a computer geek and now you are mocking me?” she asked a little indignantly.

This only caused him to laugh some more and eventually he had to put his tea down. He reached across and put his hand over hers where it was drumming on the tabletop. “I’m sorry, I’d just forgotten your babbling and the complete innocence with which you make these pronouncements” He pulled her chin round to make her look at him, he could tell she was desperately trying not to smile. “Willow, do you forgive me?” he asked quietly.

She looked straight into his eyes. “Perhaps we should ignore the inappropriate sex talk and get back to work?” she very nearly finished before starting to giggle.

He looked at her in astonishment, she had captured his wounded tone of embarrassment perfectly. “Perhaps that would be best” he grinned at her and nodded towards the screen. “Has George sent the information through?”

Willow studied the screen for a moment and nodded. “It’s coming through right now, we could catch up on what we’ve found so far and look at it once it’s transferred?” She picked up a folder containing all of the information they had found to date. She turned to the back of the pile. “Everyone we’ve spoken to agreed that the Guilen were a peace loving sect who occasionally rid their local communities of minor demons and curses. Nobody is sure how they managed to escape the witch hunts, although I would guess that a fairly easy memory spell would be enough to make people forget whenever the witch finders were in town” she paused and took a moment to catch her breath.

He knew she was remembering her own forays into this type of spell and waited patiently for her to pick up where she had stopped.

Willow sighed and picked up another piece of paper. “The sect set up home in Sunnydale on the site currently used by the Residential Home and they seemed to live there quite happily for about ten years”

He nodded in agreement, “Some of the information George has pulled together for me relates to their other properties but they all seem to have been set up in a similar manner and to a similar design so perhaps there was a ritual significance to certain parts of the building”

Willow lifted up a notebook and flipped through several pages. “When we talked to the residents they seemed to remember the voices as shouting at each other across a large hall, so perhaps there was a central gathering place in each property?”

Giles took the notebook from her and read a couple of pages. “Perhaps it would be best if I met with these people and spent a little time in the Home. I may be able to pick up some of the residual energies”

Willow poured herself another cup of tea. “The residents all tell a similar story and, although it is obviously distressing for them I don’t think they are in any danger. Perhaps this is just a few sensitives picking up on the history of the building.”

“Perhaps” he agreed, “but it would be best to rid the residents of even this minor irritant, you know how these things can grow out of control this close to the hellmouth”

They fell into an easy silence as Willow glanced at the screen. “He seems to be sending quite a large file, perhaps he has scanned in some documents”

“Let’s use the time to catch up” he suggested and moved towards the sofa. “How have you been coping since your return?” he asked and signalled her to sit on the nearby chair.

“OK, I guess” she said a little reluctantly. “I think Buffy and Xander were quite happy to see little old me and not scarey, veiny me and the spell to rid the Magic Box of the infestation helped to reassure them that I was able to control the magics I used”

“Did it convince you?” he asked quietly and leaned back, crossing his legs and getting comfortable. “Your correspondence at the time seemed to suggested a lack of confidence but that has slowly waned in recent weeks and I assumed you were finally accepting your place within the normal scheme of things”

“Kind of” she agreed. “If I wasn’t sure I could control myself I wouldn’t be here at all and sometimes I get a little panicky and have to meditate but mostly everything has returned to normal”

He waited a moment to see if she would continue but when it was obvious that she wouldn’t he quietly asked “Why does that bother you?” and met her gaze when she looked up at him abruptly. “You salmoalmost disappointed that everything has gone back to normal”

She took a couple of deep breaths and nodded slowly. “Perhaps I just feel that I haven’t really paid for what I did and it’s wrong that I can go back so easily to a happy life with friends and laughter”

“I hardly think that the initial treatment at the Coven could be described as easy and you will pay every day for the rest of your life, even if you don’t realise it yet” he leaned forward and rested his arms on his knees. “You took a human life and that sits within your soul and darkens your innermost thoughts and feelings, it’s not something you can ever get rid of by undergoing physical punishment of any kind, that’s the easy way out”

“I know” she mumbled and twisted her hands together. “I just seem to be able to forget everything for hours at a time and then I remember and I feel terrible at being happy”

“So you feel bad forgetting about Tara and what you did?” he suggested. “Perhaps you need to speak to a counsellor and try to get past the grief because I’m sure Tara would want you to remember her but not at the expense of everything else. I know you have come a long way but there is no shame in still needing help to get through this.” He paused and considered his next words carefully “As to forgetting about what you did to Warren, you need to believe me that you will carry that with you for the rest of your life and nothing you do will ever make it go away”

She sat quietly a moment and thought through his advice. Slowly she raised her head and looked at him, “You know, don’t you?” she asked quietly. “You know what this is like because you’ve gone through it?”

He nodded slowly and took his glasses off, rubbing his face with his hands. “I still go through it, and although my reasons were more than revenge and it saved many other lives at the time, I still have to live with the guilt” he looked towards her. “I don’t relish the years you have ahead of you because it can be very difficult. Sometimes you just want to deaden the pain in any way you can but you must try to resist the urge because it’s still there in the morning and it’s never easier to deal with while suffering from a hangover”

She smiled at him and stood up to pace. “I remember seeing you the morning after the big fight we all had. Tara and I came round to pick up my laptop and you were so hungover that I thought your head was going to explode. I was still angry with you but Tara wanted to get you some jelly doughnuts and stay with you to make sure you were OK.”

“She was a good person and I’ll miss her terribly but it does not serve her memory well if you choose not to use your gifts for the benefit of those around you” He moved back towards the dining room. “Tara was a very talented witch but she didn’t have your power and she knew that she would always be the one to anchor you. She had accepted that role before you began abusing your talent and I think she would have been very proud of the steps you have taken in your recovery so far” He leaned over the laptop and began looking through the files that had been sent.

After five minutes or so Willow joined him at the table and he noticed that her eyes were a little red and her nose was still running. “What did we get from George?” she asked.

“Perhaps you would like to freshen up before the others get home, I don’t want Buffy or Xander to blame me for upsetting you” he smiled at her and she sniffed again and nodded her agreement.

When she came back downstairs he was concentrating on the folder of information she had gathered. She slipped into her seat and looked through the information that had been sent to them. “Did any of that help?” she asked.

“It certainly confirmed my opinion that the sect built all of their properties to a similar design and it also firmed up the dates for the end of the sects throughout California” he seemed to consider his next words carefully. “I think what we are looking at is a demon that took all of their strength to defeat and it finally took them with it when it was overcome”

Willow nodded “That would kind of make sense but they only ever took on small demons and curses, why would they suddenly up up to the big league?”

“Needs must….” Giles began and smiled as he realised how appropriate the rest of the cliché was. “Perhaps the threat wasn’t centred in Sunnydale but they tried to use the combined power of all of their communities to overcome a demon who was threatening a little more than nuisance value”

“And that’s why they all disappeared at the same time” she nodded.

He pointed to the laptop and took his glasses off to clean them. “A confrontation of that magnitude must have left some records or accounts” he smiled at her as he replaced his glasses. “Perhaps a few hours on the Internet would dig up some mention from one of the other sect locations?”

She shook her head a little and flexed her fingers. “Some things never change” she began scanning through her favourites list. “If I’m to resume my role as chief surfer you’ll have to prepare the vegetables for dinner. Buffy left strict instructions and I wouldn’t want to be the one to upset her, you know how picky she gets when she's hosting”

“At least I can make a mess of her kitchen this time around” he grinned and headed towards the kitchen.

*****

“The dinner was a great success” he smiled at her as he carefully measured coffee into the pot. “You really are quite a gcookcook”

Buffy finished taking down the good coffee set from a top shelf and turned to look at him “Watch it with the enthusiasm or you’ll end up with the dishes” she smiled. “But it was OK, you had a good time?”

He helped her lay out the coffee things on a tray. “Of course, how could it not go well when I have my extended family around me?” he thought about what he had said and ruefully shook his head.

“Actually that is usually the very time when things go wonky” agreagreed and started to laugh. “You must have been away too long this time Giles, you would think you would remember all of the disastrous get togethers”

“Some of them were quite non-disastrous” he suggested strongly. “Thanksgiving was usually relatively quiet and Xander’s birthday video marathons were usually only painful because of his awful choice in movies”

“Hey” the young man in question glared at him as he entered the kitchen. “I assume that means you are taking yourself off the invite list for next weekend?” he took the tray from Buffy as Giles lifted the coffee pot. “We’ve just decided that a movie night is what we’ve been missing recently”

“Only if I get to choose at least one of the films” Giles said to his retreating back.

“Only one and it’s not allowed to be educational or worthy in any way” Xander laid down the ground rules. “Oh and that means Shakespeare is definitely out” he added as an afterthought.

Anya pouted. “But I was going to suggest that one where Denzel Washington wears the leather trousers” she looked towards Buffy for agreement.

“Oooohhh” Buffy nodded. “That was Shakespeare?” she asked and winked at Willow as she heard Giles groan beside her. “I wasn’t really listening just watching” she smiled and followed Anya into a happy place dream.

Dawn looked on a little sadly and then perked up. “Wait that had Keanu Reeves in leather pants too, right?” she suddenly looked radiant and gazed off into the distance as well.

Willow glanced at Giles and Xander and smiled broadly. “Perhaps we should let them have at least one chick-flick?”

Giles looked towards Xander. “OK, but that doesn’t count as my choice?”

Xander thought deeply and finally shrugged his shoulders. “Alright but one final thing” he paused to build the sense of anticipation, glancing across to see Willow grinning at him. “It has to be a talky, none of your boyhood silent favourites”