The Scarlet Letter

"C-Cordy? Is it you?"

"Xander!"

Cordelia felt more like a linebacker than a cheerleader when she tackled him. Xander tripped over an end table and crashed onto the floor, dragging the girl-shaped battering ram and Giles' stained glass lamp with


"You're alive! You're okay! And wait...you have two hands!" Cordelia squealed and tried to hug him with every bone in her body.

Xander spit out a face full of Cordelia's hair and shifted his weight to dislodge the lamp poking out from under his hip. "Funny, I was gonna say the exact same thing about you!"

Starved for the sound of her voice, Xander's stomach twisted with every syllable as she babbled into his chest. For the first time in his life he hoped she'd never stop talking, even if he couldn't understand what the heck she was saying. Something about death threats, poor concentration, and accidentally kicking the Razorback team mascot in the balls?

/Doesn't matter. Cordy still likes me! Despite everything, she still wants to be with me!/

"I missed you!" he sighed, soaking up every ounce of Cordelia-ness that he could. Nothing on earth smelled better than musky perfume mingled with cheerleader perspiration, he was sure of it. "You've got no idea what I went through to see you tonight!"

"Really?" she gulped softly, with not a hint of her trademark snark. Her bottom lip quivered as she caressed the side of his face. "You couldn't want to see me?"

Giles cleared his throat to remind Cordelia and Xander that other people actually existed in the universe. "Ahem, yes. I'm pleased to see everyone safe and in one piece." When the pair disentangled themselves and rose to their feet, Giles retrieved his mangled lamp and tried to right it on the table. Xander winced when a few green panes popped out of the mangled shade.

"Pity my lamp isn't so lucky."

"Hrmph. You'd think chintzy Tiffany knock-offs like that twelve dollar K-Mart special would have slightly better craftsmanship," snorted Cordelia, oblivious as she brushed out the pleats of her skirt.

"It *wasn't* a reproduction," Giles grumbled. He looked like he wanted to punch a trap door button and drop Cordelia straight into the Hellmouth.

"Oops?" Xander sheepishly picked up a pane and handed it to Giles. "I'll pay you back, I promise. Maybe I could wash the Gilesmobile every week for the next twelve years?"

Oz scrutinized the dented shade, the barest hint of excitement curling his lip into a smile. "Hmmm. Give me five minutes with my new blowtorch, and it'll be better than ever. Or possibly abstract art."

"Blowtorch? N-now, now, wait, it's quite expensive..."

This. This was what Xander craved. Watching Giles bluster his way through their antics let him pretend for a few moments that nothing had changed. Maybe he'd get lucky and Giles would snap at him for being irresponsible, just like old times! But then snatches of whispered conversation from the front of the room lured Xander's attention away from his treasured smidgeon of normal life.

"...really hurt...and Giles still doesn't..."

"...time to tell them."

Xander turned around to see Buffy quietly shutting the front door behind her. Willow stood next to Buffy, and when he caught their sidelong glances it didn't take a mind reader to figure out what they'd just been talking about.

/"We think we've figured out how to return his soul."/

Xander's smile slowly wilted. Once upon a time, Xander might have been invited to join their hush-hush Scooby session, but now Buffy and Willow looked at him like he was the big problem that needed to be solved.

"Hey." Buffy stared at his new hand, blinking several times in confused wonder. "Wow, your healing factor sure beats mine all to heck!" Buffy's tight smile failed to disguise her discomfort.

"Not that I want to test it or anything, but I'm pretty sure none of my parts would grow back if they were lopped off and oh my god, I'm so sorry about how completely wrong that came out. Can I start over? I'm glad you're okay, Xan. Really, really glad."

"Um, yeah." His lips tightened and he dropped his gaze, shaking his head.

/I'm *okay*? Is that what she thinks?/

His change in demeanor was not lost on Buffy. She self-consciously swatted a wisp of hair out of her face and scanned the room like she was memorizing the fastest exit route. After patting Buffy on the arm, Willow skirted into the kitchen to clean up the remains of her charm components.

"Sorry we didn't get back sooner, but I wanted to make sure all the other girls made it home okay, just in case."

"I can't believe Angel wanted to kill my squad!" Cordelia let out an irritated sniff while she smoothed her hair back into place. "Doesn't he realize how crucial this game was for the Razorbacks? Couldn't he have eaten a couple of the Tigers players instead? I'm just saying - if there's going to be a massacre anyway, the least he could do is help Sunnydale win the championship, right?"

Giles rolled his eyes and pointedly ignored Cordelia as he addressed Buffy. "Did you...?"

Buffy cut him off quickly. "No, everything's fine. Angel was a total no show."

"But you'll stake him next time, right?" Xander's ordeal might have taken a lot out of him, but his sarcasm muscles hadn't atrophied a bit. Out of the corner of his eye, Xander saw Willow pacing across the kitchen floor, gnawing her fingernail down to the knuckle.

"Xander, don't." It came out more like an apology than a plea. Buffy hunched into herself, looking down at the floor while picking at the cuffs of her black leather coat. Angel's old coat, he remembered with a bitter twinge. Still wrapped up in him. Why had he allowed himself to believe she could ever let Angel go?

A few hours ago, Xander had prayed to every deity and religious icon he'd ever heard of to deliver Buffy to his side, but now he didn't think he could stand being in the same room with her. The intense rage he'd felt earlier pushed its way to the fore, and he wanted to scream and curse until she cried, make her feel as worthless as he'd felt when he learned she'd forsaken him. But when Buffy looked up at him with those heartbreaking green eyes, the ones that had already cried an ocean's worth of tears, he couldn't block out what Angelus had said to him.

/"Was she shattered? Did she cry? She's so beautiful when she cries, isn't she? Damn, I wish I could have seen the look on her face..."/

/That's the whole freaking point of this mess - he's only using me to hurt Buffy. If I lash out at her, I'm playing right into his game. But how am I supposed to stop feeling so betrayed?/

"Yeah, I know. You can't." Xander shook off Buffy's gaze and turned away from her. His anger thumped and protested deep inside his gut, demanding immediate release, but he forced himself to keep it bottled up inside. Xander was determined not to be a puppet in Angel's twisted play.

/Fuck you, Angel. Choreograph all the drama you want, but I'm not gonna dance./

"What? Giles reared up, pushing his glasses back up the bridge of his nose with an exasperated sigh. "Buffy, we've already discussed this. Unless you slay Angelus, Spike will never give us Xander's cure!"

Cordelia nudged Oz's elbow. "Whoa," she stage whispered. "I thought we couldn't kill him. Did we miss a really big something?"

"Signs point to yes. And I have a feeling that something is about to get a whole lot bigger." Oz eased the broken lampshade back on the side table.

"Giles, we have to find another way," begged Buffy. "You know Spike will double cross us! Isn't there something else we can try? Do we have to -"

"We have no choice!" Upon Buffy's wounded look, the Watcher curbed his temper but his sense of urgency remained. "I've researched the matter very carefully. It is imperative that we secure the same tattooing needle used in the bonding ritual. We must do as Spike asks, because if we lose the needle we'll never be able to free Xander."

/Never?/

"But you don't understand. You don't understand!" Buffy's shoulders sagged under the weight of the world and she broke down with a frustrated sob. The toppled remains of Xander's heart crumbled a little bit more when Willow crept past him to put her arms around Buffy.

/But. didn't you hear that, Will? He said never!/

Xander clenched his jaw as tightly as he could, whether to keep from exploding or crying he honestly couldn't tell anymore. He did know that if he kept it up much longer, he'd crack a molar or two. The darkness twisted his insides into unrecognizable forms and he quickly forgot about the joy he'd felt upon seeing Cordelia n. n.

"Tell them," Xander gritted.

"Tell us what? That Buffy had her spine surgically removed and she's physically incapable of standing up to Angel? Tell us something we don't already know."

"Cordy? Shut up." Only Willow could say "shut up" and make it sound almost polite, like she was apologizing for stepping on your heel or asking you to pass the butter. Willow never liked confrontations. She was always the first one to try to get people to shake hands and move on. But Xander didn't think she had a cherry snow cone's chance in hell of making things better tonight.

"I don't think now is the right time to talk about, you know, the thing. You're both too close to the pain, and I really don't want you guys to say things you'll only end up regretting forever."

Buffy wiped the tears from her cheeks. "Will, I know you mean well, but Xander and I have to talk about this, no matter how much it hurts."

"How much it hurts me, you mean. You're not the one with the A on your chest." Xander glared at Buffy. "Just go. I don't want to hear your cover of 'Justify My Love' right now."

"Heh, heh." Willow positioned herself between Xander and Buffy like a ring referee before a fight. "Okaaaay, remember what I just said about regretting and forever? C'mon, guys. You're both tired and more than a wee bit cranky. This can wait until tomorrow, can't it?"

"Xander, I understand why you're angry about the curse, I really do. But this is not about putting Angel first..."

"Oh, it's not? Gee, I wonder what could have given me that idea?" Xander laughed darkly. "Could it be that while I was trapped in Dead Boy's House of Horrors, you were daydreaming about what kind of tux he'd wear to your Prom?"

"How can you say that?" she said. Mostly hurt, but there was enough indignation there to add fuel to Xander's fire. "I searched for you everywhere!"

Keeping a lid on his anger didn't seem remotely possible anymore. He lunged forward, inches away from Buffy's face.

"What, you thought I was chained up in Ms. Calendar's computer lab?" Buffy cringed as Xander spat the words into her face. "Sunnydale isn't exactly a bustling metropolis! Not a helluva lot of abandoned buildings to check out, know what I mean? If you'd really tried, you could have found me! But no, the only thing you care about is saving your precious Angel!"

As Xander's fury peaked, he suddenly stopped himself.

For a second, for one really scary second, he'd wanted to use his fists. Make Buffy see how this was all her fault, how things wouldn't be so screwed up if only...

"Oh, god. What am I doing?"

He started to shake. He'd sworn to himself long ago that he'd never, ever travel all the way to The Really Black Place, but he'd just caught his first glimpse. He recognized the view from his father's postcards, and it terrified him. First Willow, now Buffy? How could he treat his friends this way?

Someone sidled up to Xander and put a hand on his arm. At first he wanted to escape, not let Buffy see him like this anymore. But when he saw that it was Cordelia, he surrendered, embarrassed that she'd witnessed his ugly outburst. He hated not being able to control his emotions. All these extreme mood swings made him feel like a trapeze artist working without a net, and he was scared that any minute he could slip and destroy everything. Xander took a breath and tried to stop trembling.

"As much as I'd love to play pin the blame on the Slayer, it wasn't her fault," she said. "Willy - you know, that greasy little bartender - told us that you were with Richard Grieco."

"Richard Grieco?" he said with all the "what the fuck" disbelief he could muster. He was still shaken, so it came out more like "what the fudge."

/Sure, Angel has big hair and loves to load up on the styling products, but beyond that I really don't see the resemblance!/

"Rashagreego," corrected Giles. "He said that you were captured by a Rashagreego demon. Since we'd already encountered one near the cemetery that night, I thought that it had perhaps, ahem, tracked your scent all the way to your home. If only we'd been able to speak with your mother sooner, we might not have wasted an entire day." Giles wore the guiltiest expression, like he wanted to crawl into his bookshelves and hide there forever.

Willow gave the older man a meek "Don't worry, you'll get it next time" smile. "We tried, Xander, really we did. We even skipped all our classes so we could scour the lava tubes for its lair!"

"Which, ow? Could anything possibly be more painful than breaking a brand new Jimmy Choo on a stalagmite?"

Xander could think of many things more painful than a busted shoe, but he managed a half-smile as he wrapped his arm around Cordelia's waist. He loved how she could take life's catastrophes and boil them down to her own mundane little problems - they always seemed so much more bearable that way.

"My girlfriend, ladies and gentleman, Her Highness, the Queen of Myopia." He kissed the top of her shoulder gratefully.

"Or was it a stalactite? I forget which one is the pointy thing on the ground. Anyway, all we found were three humungoid demons who wanted to eat our livers for lunch."

"It was a trap," Buffy said. "And after we got out and I smashed Willy's head through a half dozen beer signs, guess who he named as the mastermind?"

"Spike," Xander hissed, shaking his head as he remembered the vampire's comments about keeping the Slayer off track. Without thinking, he rubbed his sore wrist against his thigh. "Man, I really hate that guy."

"Can someone please explain to me what's going on?" asked Giles. "Why has the plan suddenly changed? Without my counsel?"

"Uh, you might want to sit down for this. Or-or at least move farther away from the weapons closet, Giles." Willow paused for a moment to screw up her courage. "We found part of Angel's curse saved on one of Ms. Calendar's computer disks. I think she was trying to recr it it and that..."

Giles scowled as he mentally filled in the blanks. "Angelus knew, and he murdered Jenny to prevent her from using it on him again." He grunted, slamming his fist against the wall. "She told me she was working on something important, but she kept it a secret. If only I'd known, if only I'd..." he trailed off.

Giles looked so haggard, so grey, his grief all the more palpable because he hated it on display. It hurt Xander to see Giles haunted by happy endings that would now never come true. Nobody knew what to say, so they said nothing.

For a few seconds, anyway.

"Geez, you could cut the tension in this room with a chainsaw," grumbled Cordelia. "Thanks for totally ruining the welcome home party, Buffy."

"You were planning to restore his soul but you didn't find it important enough to tell me? He killed Jenny and she was my...how dare you keep that a secret from me!"

"We were planning on telling you tonight, I swear, but then Spike showed up and that's when things got super complicated!" said Buffy.

"I don't know why we're even arguing about this. As far as I'm concerned, things are not complicated. We made a deal! If you're not going to kill Angel, I'll do it myself." Xander stormed over to the weapons closet and pulled out a sword, which Buffy promptly yanked out of his hands.

"Don't be ridiculous. You're his pomme de sang! He'll zap you with the curse the second you try to get all Xander the Pajama-clad Barbarian on his ass." Buffy spoke like she was trying to explain the complexities of life to a small child. Patient and kind, but the worldly condescension was still there.

"What else am I supposed to do? What if Spike gets tired of waiting and decides to kill Angel himself, huh? I don't want to die!"

"I won't let that happen. And neither will Angel, once we bring him back."

"That's supposed to solve everything? A soul? Not from where I'm standing!" Xander couldn't mask his revulsion and horror as he imagined this fate. "I'll still be cursed. I'll still have to let him touch me, feed from me! Jesus, Buffy! Would you want to spend eternity trapped with the guy who raped you?"

"Angel r-raped you?" Cordelia took a few unsteady steps away from Xander.

"Cordy, wait, I thought..." Xander reached towards her but she continued to back away.

/dirty she thinks I'm dirty/

"He, he, oh God, I think, I think I'm going to be..." Cordelia lurched towards the bathroom, her hand over her mouth. Willow gave Xander a sad little look before following after her.

"I'm sorry. I couldn't tell her." Buffy looked down at the sword in her hands.

"Dammit!" The tears were almost impossible to fight but he held the line, ignoring the pain in his chest when they kept trying to burst through. If he started crying now, he might never stop.

"Why do you still love him? After what that monster did? He's a rapist, a murderer! How can you stand by him?"

"It could have been you. Almost was." Buffy said quietly, still staring at the sword. "But I never gave up on you, either!"

Xander recoiled as if he'd been slapped. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Giles eyes darkened. "Don't bring that into this, not now. He's been through enough." But Buffy had no intention of backing down.

"I know you don't remember everything that happened when you went all Hyena Guy on us, but what if we hadn't reversed the possession? What if you'd killed Willow?"

"I-I don't...that wasn't...it's not the same!" Xander reeled from the horrible memories. He'd been so cruel to everyone, especially Willow - his best friend! But that wasn't the worst part.

He wished he could forget the taste of fresh blood in his mouth, the pig's dying screams that had sounded disturbingly human. No matter how many times he tried to shut out that memory, he would always remember exactly how he'd felt after making the kill. That it wasn't enough, that there had to be more...more blood, more flesh, more screaming.

/it wasn't me/

"Are you sure about that? You tried to kill Willow, and a little boy, too. You wanted to eat him in front of his whole family! You may not have murdered Principal Flutie with the others, but you were the top dog. You would have led the attack if I hadn't run into you first."

"Stop it!" Xander begged. "That has nothing to do with what's going on!"

"Yes, it does. Xander, you tried to force yourself on me! I stopped you, but you were so strong. Savage. What if I'd failed? What if you'd hurt me? Should I have killed you then?" She raised the sword under his chin.

"I don't know," he said weakly. "Maybe you should have. 'Cause I couldn't have lived with myself if I had." When he turned his head away in shame, Buffy tossed down her sword and took one of his hands.

"Don't. It wasn't your fault," she said softly. "I could never have killed you, because I knew it wasn't the real Xander acting that way. And if Oz ever escapes from his cage and gets his wolfy violence on, I couldn't kill him, either. Not when I know there's a good person hidden inside the monster."

Xander saw exactly where this road was headed and wished with all his might that he could jump out of the car before Buffy got there, but she continued.

"Please understand. No matter what he did without his soul, Angel, the *real* Angel, is one of us! We can't give up on him when there's a chance we can free him."

"I don't know if I can...after what he...Buffy, he really hurt me!"

"I know." Her voice quaked. "I know he did. I wish I could take it all back. Everything. I'm the one who caused all this to happen. I wish he'd taken me!"

Xander took Buffy by the shoulders. "No. Never think that. I'm glad he didn't!" He cupped her cheek. "You know I'd give my life before I'd ever let him hurt you, don't you?" he said brokenly.

He could tell by the gratitude in her eyes that she knew he'd never been more sincere about anything in his life.

"I'd do anything for you. But please...don't ask me to forgive him."

"I'm not. I only want to help the people I love find their way home." Buffy wrapped her arms around Xander while he let all his anger wash away.

"I'm sorry I took it out on you. Angel kept telling me that you didn't care, that I was nothing. I didn't want to believe him. But when I found out about the curse, I started to think maybe Angel was right - and that hurt more than anything he'd ever done to me."

Buffy sniffled and hugged him even closer. "Angelus is a sick, twisted bastard. King of the assholes. I'm going enjoy beating the nonliving crap out of him for hurting you. I'm sorry, Xan. I wanted to be there for you, I really did." She looked over his shoulder at Giles. "We can't let this go on anymore. What are we going to do?"

Giles steeled himself with a long, deep breath. "There is no easy answer. The longer Xander is away from Angelus, the more he'll suffer, so we must be act quickly. I wish I knew another way, but considering the risks, I believe our best route is to sacrifice Angel to save Xander."

Buffy let go of Xander. "Giles, we can't...!"

"Otherwise, we'll lose both of them! I understand how you must feel, but Xander's instincts are correct. If we don't kill Angelus, Spike will make his move." Xander loved Giles just a little bit for actually taking his side. Wow. If there was a first time for everything, he was damn glad it was now.

"Please. Like he could ever take Angel," Buffy snorted. "Let him try. After what Spike did to Xander, I'd love to see him dance on the end of a stake, even if it's not mine."

"That's the last thing we need. Think of the consequences! If Angelus kills Spike, we may never find the needle!"

"It's a risk, I know. But after Willow performs the spell to restore his soul, Angel won't hurt Xander anymore!"

"Hello? Forgetting something? Itchy, burning curse? Neck biting? Since when did that stuff stop hurting me?"

Giles continued to stand his ground. "What's to stop Angelus from killing Willow to prevent her from using the curse? He's done it before!"

"So that's why you're so determined to let Angel die!" Buffy's eyes narrowed dangerously, switching into Slayer mode. "You're letting your feelings about Ms. Calendar cloud your judgment!"

Giles sputtered like he'd just swallowed his tie. "Oh, you want to talk about emotions and cloudy judgment, do you? Don't get me started!" He pushed up his sleeves and if Xander didn't know better, he could have sworn the Watcher and Slayer were getting ready to trade blows in a very non-training session kind of way.

From a chair in the corner of the room, someone coughed and raised his hand. Buffy and Giles stopped quarreling and slowly turned their heads towards the sound.

"What?" they said with simultaneous irritation.

"There is another option you haven't mentioned," said Oz. During the heat of all the arguments, Xander had completely forgotten he was even in the room. Kind of easy to do, actually, considering Oz didn't make a lot of noise or take up an awful lot of space.

"Spike has something we need. So we take something equally valuable to trade. Angel gets cursed, Xander gets uncursed, and then everything's skippy."

"Skippy?" asked Giles with a skeptical tweak to his glasses.

"Hmmm, he may be on to something. But what can we trade?" asked Buffy. "Spike doesn't care about money, and the only thing he owns is that smelly leather duster that hasn't been cleaned since Sheena was a punk rocker. So what else is there?"

Instantly, everything clicked for Xander. Why hadn't he thought of this before? The more he thought about it, the faster Xander's lips curled into a sly grin. Now this was a plan he could really get behind!

"Not what, Buffy," he explained, buzzing with brand new optimism. "Who!"

Buffy's eyes widened with excitement. "Drusilla. Oz, you're a genius!"

Oz shrugged. "I try."

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