Love Hurts

Chapter Twelve.

Ten minutes had past and Spike was still on the phone talking to his friend, setting up the alibi and discussing case that they had been involved one way or another. Buffy wasn't interested, she was busy looking around the house trying to get a sense for the person Spike was now. He still loved punk music, judging on his collection of cd's, although there was some classical music too. He obviously liked art as there were a lot hanging on the walls. He had good taste, as Buffy liked the vibrant abstract works. His furniture was comfortable yet understated , clean looking. It wasn't what she could have pictured him liking only a few years ago, but then , a lot had happened since then.

His laughter made her look over at him and saw him run his hand through his hair in a familiar way and it made her smile. Her hand trailed across the back of the sofa as she walked over to his desk that sat in the corner. This was the only place in the room that seemed disheveled. Paper littered the desk, some looked like work he had bought home with him, others looked like scribbled, drawings and ... poetry? One scrap of paper caught her eye and she picked it up. It was her, laid on a bed, her eyes closed and tears coming from here eyes. Her breath caught in her throat as she read the words below the drawing.

' I look up
A tear rolls slowly down my cheek
I think about better days,
And wonder if I'll feel that way again,
If you will ever look at me,
With those eyes I know so well again.

You look so scared,
Like for once you don't have the answer
I gaze at you,
Looking deep into those hazel eyes,
Hoping to understand,
Why I lost you when I did.

I wonder for a moment,
If this is all a dream,
If I shall wake in the morning,
And be relieved,
And you will look at me again
My hope that you would,
Slowly pull me towards you,
And wipe the tears from my cheek. '


When she finished reading it, he was beside her, a myriad of emotions playing across his face. Tears stung at her eyes and she placed it back down on the desk and sniffed.

"That was beautiful. "
"It's how I felt... feel, " he said quietly, trying not to break the spell.

Silence hung between them for an uncomfortable amount of time, both of them feeling it as if it was almost physical.

"I ... uh .... d..did you do the drawing too? "
"I did .. did most the ones here as a matter of fact. "
"Wow , they're gorgeous! "
"You really like them? " Spike was wide eyed, as if he shocked that someone could actually like them. He hadn't let anyone read his poetry, the one person who had read them, had laughed and called them lovesick ramblings. It was one of the reasons why he had found it so hard to fall in love with Dru. His drawings and painting went unsigned and he never told anyone who did like them, that they were his.
"Of course I do! "
"Come with me ,love. "
"Where are we going? " She frowned.
" I'm going to show you something that will help you understand what the five years without you was like for me."

Spike held out his hand for her to take, hesitantly. unsure of whether this was a good idea or not. His heart raced and told him yes, while his head, cautiously, told him to wait. But the way she was looking up at him, the joy of being with her again made him throw caution to the wind. So when she placed her small hand in his, he lead her down a hall from the kitchen and unlocked the door to his sanctuary.

Once the door was open Spike turned on the overhead lights and let go of Buffy's hand. He held the door and waited until she was in the room before he closed the door. She stood still, looking around. "Spike ... I. "

The room was bright, but bland. The walls had been painted white, showing the irregular brickwork. The blandness was broken only by the very old and worn floorboards and another set of floor to ceiling French doors. Although dark now, Buffy knew that it would have the amazing view of the coast and ocean. Despite the room and the knowledge of the view that had Buffy captivated and utterly speechless.

"I started the first one almost straight after.... A nurse in the hospital gave me an artist pad and some pencils, and I drew. I tried to draw landscapes or even parts of the ward I was on , but they ended up in balls, crumpled in anger and thrown across the room. I laid there, my mind blank , well mostly. When Greta, my nurse came in and pulled me back from my haze, I'd drawn this. " Spike walked over to a filing cabinet and pulled out an immaculate sheet of paper. He handed it to Buffy and ducked his head, suddenly unsure of himself.

It was beautiful. Her image stared back at her. It was of her as she had looked when they first met. She was lying on his leather duster, naked, her hair fanning out around her head and shoulders. Her eyes were looking up, as if looking at someone above her and they were full of love. It must have been how he saw her the night that they had first made love in the old gym hall. Her eyes filled with tears and she handed him back the sketch with an unsteady hand.

"When I moved in here I knew this was the perfect room for my release.I'd finish work and come in here and paint. " Spike moved to a stack of canvasses that leaned against a wall. He started turning them around so that the images were left bare to her gaze. Only a small stack remained turned from her , facing the wall. Instantly she was drawn to them.

"What're these? " She asked while pointing to them.
"Nothing Buffy, leave them please! "

But it was too late, she had started turning them to her, her curiosity peaked.

The first she studied was of another woman. Her dark hair curled around a painfully thin face. Her dark eyes had an almost evil coldness to them, full of wicked intent. Her mouth was small and curved into a smile that was just as sinful looking as her eyes. Her arms were outstretched as if to coax someone into them.The background was flames of reds, oranges and gold.

"Who was she? " Buffy asked .
"Dru. The brief affair I had. "
"She was pretty, " Buffy said as she put the painting back and looked at Spike. He was obviously uncomfortable talking about her so Buffy let the conversation regarding Dru, drop. "What about this picture? "

He was standing , his arms held out to the side, as if he had been crucified. A large piece of wood was buried in his chest. Tears of blood ran down his cheeks and it looked as if he was disintegrating to nothing. "When Dru left, after what she had said , I felt that you had taken a piece of wood and driven it deep into my heart. I felt that I was turning to dust, unable to love anyone else and I couldn't live without you. "

Again ,Buffy turned it to face the wall it leaned on. She shut her eyes, trying to block the image of himself that he had captured on the canvas. Her eyes opened and fell on what she thought was her favorite so far. It was one of her, again naked , but with him laid across one side, his legs twisted with hers and his arm was wrapped around her possessively. The painting was beautiful. With everything so fresh in her mind, she was overwhelmed with emotion and her tears fell unnoticed by her. She suddenly felt .... unworthy. Buffy turned to see his face looking back at her with raw honestly and so much love it made her breath catch in her throat.

"I think I should go. This is too much.It's overwhelming me and I just can't do this right now. I have so much to focus on and I don't need any distractions. I'm sorry. " Panic rose in her and she needed air, needed space and time to process everything. Buffy knew that he would be hurt by her actions . Knowing that, she couldn't look at Spike.

Buffy walked back out of the room and down the hall, and into the kitchen. Once there she started looking for her shoes and tried not to think of anything other than finding them, her handbag and getting back to the mansion.

"Stop! ... Buffy ... Will you just bloody stop! "

Buffy froze with her back to him . Her head dropped to look at the floor as she waited for him to say whatever it was that he had to get off his chest. He breathed out harshly through his nose and walked up behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders, making her jump at the contact.

"I'm sorry if I overwhelmed you, love , and I'm sorry that you feel that you have to leave. I can't force you to stay and I won't beg you either. I want us to put our past where it belongs and to start again. I still love you , Buffy, guess I always will. Question is ... Do you still love me? "

And that was the question , wasn't it? Did she still love him? Yes, she did. It was still as strong as it had been. With all the other emotions that she had coursing through her and the fact that he was here, holding her to his chest, she knew she did. That was what scared her and had her running out the door. "Yes. Yes, I do . I always will. Not even thinking you were dead, stopped it. Maybe that made it worse, I don't know, but I'm scared Spike. If Angel finds out about you, about us, he'll try and kill you again, and maybe this time he would succeed. "

"Buffy, listen to me. He can only hurt me if he finds out. I'm not going to lose you again. We're going to work together to bring him down and put him away for a long time. Somewhere where he can't hurt anyone ever again. Give me a chance to show you how good it can be.Give me tonight, please? "

She turned in his arms and splayed her hands on his chest, feeling the muscles there tense and then relax.The emotions she saw in his eyes would make it so easy for her to fall, knowing he would catch her. She wanted to, with every fiber of her being and she felt her need for him swell inside her heart, inside her , ready to consume her if she would just take that final step and give in. She could see his raw need for her and all she had to do was give him some small sign, a gesture that she was his again and there would be no turning back. Buffy knew it. But her fear of Angel and what he could and would do haunted her. A flashback to the night they had ran away, and a vision of Penn holding his gun at arms length and pulling the trigger and shooting Spike, kept her from giving in. "I'm sorry. I have to go. "

He stood frozen to his spot in the lounge long after he heard the front door shut. Finally he turned and made his way to the couch and slumped onto it. He sat there for how long , he didn't know and was about to go to bed when he heard the front door bell chime. Slowly he raised himself up and went to answer it. He opened the door and closed his eyes.

"I forgot about your gate. I considered climbing over it and then came to my senses and realized how utterly stupid I'm being. I love you Spike. I always have . Angel's taken so much of me, from me, and I'm fighting to get that back. I won't let him take you , not again. It'll be hard, Spike. I'm no picnic. I'm not the Buffy you fell in love with. If you think you can love me, then I want it. I want you. "

Spike looked down at her and tilted his head to one side.His blue eyes burned into hers as if he was searching her soul for the absolute truth. His gaze became intense . What with, Buffy did not know but he seemed calm, as if he had somehow seen her heart. He tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear and stroked his thumb across her cheek. His fingers spread to the nape of her neck and pulled her to him as his head came down to meet hers. Their lips met gently at first, so gently the kiss was barely there.

Her arms slid over the plains of his chest and she felt him shudder at her touch. A low moan escaped him as he deepened the kiss, his tongue sliding across her bottom lip. She granted him access and massaged his tongue with hers. They broke the kiss long enough for Spike to shut the front door. As it clicked shut, Spike pinned her to the wall and slid his hands round her body, his hands finding the globes of her ass, and picked her up. Buffy wrapped her legs around him and sighed into his mouth as his hardened member rubbed at her core with his movements. He carried her to the foot of the stairs and pushed her against the wall again. "You sure about this , pet? Once I get you upstairs there'll be no turning back. "

Her answer was given without words. Her hand moved down to cup him through his trousers and her kiss left him breathing harder. He carried her up the stairs as fast as he could and opened his bedroom door. He crossed the floor of his room in a hurry and laid her down on his bed with care. He kissed his way up her body , kissing her as he did and then settled above her, happy just to hold and kiss her.

Buffy reached the point where she needed more but was too scared to go further. She knew that Spike must feel the same . She could feel him pressed hard against her high and yet he hadn't pressured her for more.

"Buffy, " he whispered, his voice soft and deep through lust, "I need you, need to feel your skin against mine, need to make you mine again.Will you let me? " His lips grazed her neck and moved up , across her jaw to her lips. "I want to make love to you, baby. "

Her heart thundered in her chest and her breathing became shallow. His eyes locked with hers, silently begging her to give herself over to him. Her mind screamed at her, telling her it was to soon , but her heart , her body, turned a deaf ear to all sense and logic and they screamed back at her to do their will.

Spike must have seen her inner struggle and his heart sank. He went to move off of her but found two small but powerful hands stop him. " Spike? " Her face was calm again and she smiled shyly, her hands ran up his shirt to his tie and slowly took it from his neck, dropping it to the floor and then starting on he shirt buttons. "I want you to make love to me. I want to feel. Make me feel something more than just cold and empty. "

Spike pulled her to him, crushing her to his chest as he kissed her hard, pulling her top off and only breaking from her lips so he could. Her hands weren't idle, Buffy pushed his shirt off his shoulders and down his arms. Buffy shifted her position so she now sat on his lap and ran her nails across his back , causing him to hiss through his teeth.

His hands found the fastening to her skirt and undid it with ease. Her leaned down, laying her down and kissed his way down her body so that he could remove it.Once the skirt was off he gazed down at her. "You're so beautiful love. Just as I remember you. "

"Need you , Spike... "

He raised his scarred brow and smiled when she did. He opened the clasp of his belt and opened his trousers. He stood at the foot of the bed and took off his shoes then shed his trousers. Buffy leaned up on her elbows and looked at him. Her eyes immediately found the scar that lay just above his heart and she looked up , seeing him climb back onto the bed and sit on his calves. She sat up in front of him, her hand reaching out to touch the marred skin. His hand wrapped around her wrist , making her look up at him, "He did this to you . Because of me. "

" And I would let him do it all over again, for you . "

Buffy pulled him back with her as she laid down, letting Spike settle between her legs, their bodies moving together in an age old dance. Spike pulled up, his arms locked above her and moved himself so he was poised at her entrance. Buffy stilled, waiting.Her hand cupped his face, her eyes full of love and need.

"Please, " she whispered.

She gasped as Spike slowly eased his way into her until he was completely sheathed within her. He swallowed hard and let out a low moan as he felt her walls tighten around him. She was so hot , so tight. Just as he remembered. Tears welled but were chased away by her slow rocking, making him move . His hips started to rise in time with hers, slowly. Spike leaned down and kissed her gently then buried his head into her shoulder. Buffy wrapped her legs around his waist and stroked his back, his shoulders and hair as he began rocking them, speeding up as he felt a new flood of moisture leak from her core. Her pants and low moans encouraged him and soon he lost himself in her. He bought himself up on his knees and spread her legs wider, drawing himself out further before burying himself back inside her .

"Let go baby, let it go. " she whispered
"Want to ... You feel so good . Won't last if I do. "


But seeing her laid beneath him, the way she felt, her pussy gripping him so tightly,was too much and Spike closed his eyes as he started to thrust harder. He bent over her and pulled her onto his lap, never ceasing his movements. Buffy held onto his shoulders and started to move with him, taking him deeper so he filled her, hitting the sweet spot inside her. She cried out as he held her hips and forced her down harder, his eyes locked on hers and he leaned in to capture her lips. Spike pulled back and held Buffy tight to him, his mouth near her ear.

"I'm close, love, going to come , you with me ... come with me Buffy. "

His words made her moan louder , he laid her back down and kept his pace fast, his thrusts hard .Her hands let him go and gripped the bed as the first fluttering of orgasm flowed through her system.

"Fuck... I can feel it , come sweetheart... can feel your close.. I'm coming "
"I'm coming .... Spike! " she cried out as her eyes locked with his and they followed each other into bliss.

Spike covered her shoulder, neck and face with light kisses, "Love you .. love you so much, Buffy .. my Buffy. " His body relaxed on hers, holding onto her tightly as finally, he let his emotions go. He sobbed into her shoulder while she stroked his hair and soothed him.

"I'm yours, Spike, always. "
"Stay with me .. Please, stay with me. "

He looked at her, hope swam in his eared up eyes and Buffy smiled, " I can't go back now. "