This Place and Time

"What do you mean, do I want you? Isn't obvious,"
Angel said and pinched one of Xander's nipples.

With a snort Xander responded." That's not what I
meant."

Holding the boy closer Angel kissed his way up and
down his neck. Xander was tempted to let him continue
but he couldn't. This needed to be said; and if not
now then never. "Can you please just stop for a
second," he said sternly. When he felt the body behind
him still he took a deep breath and made a silent
prayer, hoping that he wasn't about to make a big
mistake. "What I mean is ... What about Buffy?"

Silence fell over the room. Angel loosened his grip on
Xander and laid back down on the mattress. With
contact lost Xander made an attempt to stand, deciding
that he didn't want the answer. He told himself that
he couldn't handle rejection, he knew he couldn't
handle it. So silence was his friend and he could
leave now and pretend this never happened.

Before he could manage to stand, strong hands wrapped
around his waist and he was again seated between
Angel's legs. "Sit," the vampire commanded. Not
wanting to make things more uncomfortable Xander sat
there and tried to make himself more relaxed. But he
couldn't deny how much the silence was killing him
inside. He knew he was asking too much to get an
answer right away, but he also knew that this could be
Angel trying to think of a way to break it off easily
without it getting too messy.

He felt Angel's arms wrap around his chest and he was
pulled down until his back lay against the vampire's
chest.

Taking a deep breath Angel spoke. " Why do you want to
know about Buffy?"

"I just don't see why," Xander said softly.

"Why what?"

"I just... I just," he sighed. "I just don't see why
you would want to be with someone like me when you
could be with her." There is was. It was what he had
been fearing this whole time. The fact that Angel just
might want Buffy over him, that he wasn't good enough.
Now it was out and he just hoped that he wouldn't be
crushed too hard.

Angel's grip tightened and he held the boy closer to
him. "Someone like you? Why would you say that?"

Closing his eyes Xander rested his whole body against
the vampire. If this was going to be they're final
time like this he wanted to just be enveloped with
everything that was Angel. Stay in the moment and hold
on to it. He put his arms around Angel's and clung to
him as if his life depended on it. Reluctantly he
finally spoke. "I'm nothing special. I'm just the
sidekick, the background guy. She's the slayer, the
hero."

"You really don't think you’re anything special?"

"Angel I'm not. I'm not good enough, not for you
anyway."

"Xander how long have you been living in Sunnydale?"

"I don't see what that has to do with anything."

"Just answer the question."

"All of my life," he said out of frustration. He had
no idea where Angel was going with this. What did it
matter how long he lived here? Did Angel just not hear
him confess that he wasn't good enough? Didn't Angel
see that he just wanted reassurance that despite the
fact he was inferior, despite it all, that the vampire
wanted to be with him?

"All the time you've lived here I bet you've probably
known people. Maybe friends who have disappeared, been
killed. Yet you're still here. You're still alive."

"I call that dumb luck. If it weren't for Buffy saving
me all the times she had I would probably be dead."

"If you really feel like that why do you stay? Why are
you still here if you know you’re in the way?"

"Because..." He paused. He really didn't know why he
stayed. Well he knew technical reason for why he
hadn't packed up and left, he was still a minor and
therefore still his parents problem. However he could
easily just have run away and never looked back. But
something deep down told him why he stayed, why he
kept fighting. Not sure exactly what it was he decided
to speak and maybe the words would come. "You're
right. I don't know why I'm still here. I guess I just
feel..."

"That you’re needed," Angel said finishing his
sentence for him. In his mind Xander had convinced
himself that he really wasn't needed. He was just some
ordinary person with no abilities. Buffy was the
slayer, Willow was the witch, Oz the werewolf. He had
nothing to really contribute, besides donuts and
sarcasm. But maybe he stayed because despite the fact
he convinced himself he wasn’t needed, deep down he
knew that wasn’t right. That he could keep fighting,
even with his lack of supernatural ability.

With a sigh Xander continued the conversation. "Well
that. And technically I'm not old enough to be on my
own. But I did have this plan that I really have been
wanting to do. You know once I'm old enough."

"Do you plan on leaving after high school?"

"Well I don't really know. I was planning on taking a
road trip. See the country. I've always wanted to go
see other places, travel; just anything as long as I'm
not here."

Angel moved his right hand over Xander's and entwined
their fingers. "What about now? Do you want to stay
now?"

"You mean with you," Xander said with a bit of
anxiety.

"Yeah well... Yes, with me."

Xander felt his lips curve into an involuntary smile.
It wasn't really what he asked Angel to say but it was
something. But he just needed to hear the right
answer. "I don't know. Do you want me? You kind of
sidetracked." When he didn't get and answer he
stiffened. Maybe it was too much to be asking. But he
really needed to push it. "I really want to know."

More silence. Xander was losing his nerve and he tried
to think of a way to get up and leave. Leave before
something happened that he didn't want to, or hear
something that he wasn't ready for. Before he made
another move to leave he felt the arms around his
chest tighten a bit more and he knew Angel was ready
to finally talk to him.

"Yes I do want you. I want you here. With me," the
vampire said softly.

Xander sighed and tilted his head so that it rested on
the Angel's broad chest. That was what he wanted to
hear. That he was wanted. But it couldn't stop there.
There was one more thing that he needed to be
answered. "Angel I need to ask. What about Buffy?"

"What about her?"

"Well," he paused. "Would you rather be with her than
me," he said softly. More silence. Angel loosened his
grip around Xander waist. The body bellow him went
limp and Xander knew he wouldn't like the answer. Now
was probably the time to leave. "Never mind I don't
want to know," he said and got up.

"Xander," Angel growled as he reached out and grabbed
the boy by the waist. He lifted Xander up off his feet
and dropped him on the bed. In one quick move he
pinned the boy’s body beneath his own. "Just let me
think. You're * not * leaving."

Xander tried to struggle but the vampire pinned his
arms above his head and held him firmly against the
mattress. "Just drop it okay? Now let go please," he
said with an indifferent tone. He didn't want Angel to
know that he cared so much about this.

"I said hold on," the vampire growled." Listen closely
because I don't know if I ever care to share this
again."
Angel tried to look Xander in the eyes but the boy had
simply closed them tight, he was afraid. It was not
what Angel had wanted. He needed Xander calm if he was
going to do this properly. Lowering his head he kissed
Xander softly on the lips trying to reassure him that
he was not going to hurt him. But Xander remained
stiff. Angel laid an onslaught of soft kisses on his
face knowing that his gentle ministrations would calm
the boy. Soon Xander relaxed and opened his eyes.

"Promise you'll hear me out and not try to leave,"
Angel said and laid more kisses on the boy’s luscious
lips. Xander nodded and Angel let his hands go.

"I still love Buffy." He paused waiting for Xander to
say something. But Xander was still too worried that
he'd say something wrong, so he stared at Angel and
let him continue. "She and I have been through a lot.
She was the second person I've ever truly loved."

Feeling compelled to ask Xander hesitantly spoke. "Who
was the first?"

"My sister," Angel said softly.

Xander could see such hurt in Angel's eyes. There was
something that the vampire wasn't saying. Something
must have happened to his sister, something bad. He
had read the watcher's dairies and he knew that
Angelus had killed his human family. What about his
sister? Could Angel really kill someone he loved?
Normally he would have spoken up. He would have asked.
But he didn't want to push anymore, he did that
already and Angel had gotten angry with him. So he
stayed silent.

"She helped me. Buffy helped me. When I got back from
hell I was.... not myself. The thing's I went through
there... It was a lot. I still haven't gotten over it.
I may never get over it. But if she hadn't found me,"
he paused. Tears were prickling his eyes and he was
near breaking. But he continued." I don't know where I
would be right now. She's done so much for me." Not
able to hold back, the tears flowed down his cheek and
fell unto Xander's face.

Xander reached up and wiped them away, he couldn't
stand to see Angel reduced to tears. It had been his
fault, he felt responsible for what had happened. This
was all his fault and he let someone he loved get
hurt. He felt tears coming to the surface and he
didn't know how long he'd be able to hold them back.
But he needed to stay strong for Angel. It was his
time to offer comfort.

"With her I wasn't a monster. And she loved me. How
could I not love her in return," Angel asked. His
tear-filled eyes pleading, wanting Xander to answer
his question.

Xander wanted to tell him that he loved him too. That
he would be there and love Angel more than anyone ever
could. But he couldn't find the words, he was nearly
frozen by Angel's tears. His voice shaky he said the
only words that came to him. "But what about us? What
about your friends? We're here too."

‘I'm here to.’

"None of you trusts me. You still think of me as a
monster. You think I'm going to turn on you. She's the
only one that trusts me completely," he said and
turned his head to the side, trying to hide the tears
that wouldn't stop flowing.

"I trust you," Xander said softly. It was so lightly
spoken that it was almost a whisper. But it was true.
Xander did trust Angel. With everything that was him
he trusted Angel.

Angel turned his head and glared at the boy, tears
were gleaming down his face. "You shouldn't," he said
angrily. "That's why me and her could never last. She
acts like I'm something I'm not. I am a monster
Xander. You don't think I don't have those cravings,
those urges. You don't know how hard it is. You were
right to hate me like you did. I can't be trusted."

Xander felt the tears come to the surface again. How
could Angel think that about himself? He wasn't a
monster. At least not in Xander's eyes. He had to get
Angel to see that, to see that he wasn't a monster.

"Angel please don't say that. You're not…"

"Don't!" Angel said coldly. "Don't," he repeated.
Xander stared up at him and felt lost. Angel was
giving him the coldest look he'd ever seen on the
vampire, even as Angelus.

Then something changed in Angel's eyes. Xander noticed
a look of pure evil. The vampire smiled and began to
laugh at him. "Do you even know? You'd probably run
from this room, try to get away from me. Do I tell
you? Tell you about the dreams I have. The ones where
I kill. The dreams about the past and all the people
I've slaughtered. I can recall every kill, every
scream. And deep down it excites me," he chuckled.

Xander stiffened again. He tried to break free and get
away. But Angel grabbed his hands and pinned him to
the mattress. The grip became crushing and Xander
almost screamed from the pain. What was Angel doing?
Why was he hurting him?

With a laugh the vampire continued. "Guess I shouldn't
be surprised. You have every right to be scared, you
should be. Because when I look at them Xander, when I
look at those people out there. Sometimes I think
what's one little human, I can eat just one. It would
be so easy too. Just come up from behind, drag them to
a little dark corner and eat to my hearts desire."

Xander tried to struggle and get the vampire to let
go. But the grip became more crushing and he screamed.
"Please stop," he cried. Tears were falling down his
face and he wished Angel would stop. This wasn't
right, this wasn't him.

"Why is this too much for you," he chuckled. "Don't be
so naive boyo. Don't let yourself be fooled. I could
start again, let the demon out."

"Stop please!" Xander pleaded as more tears feel down
his face.

With a smile Angel continued. "Remember when I told
you about how I lived on the streets? Well that's just
because I had one of those nights. One of those '
what's one little human' nights. There was this guy in
a diner, place got held up, he got shot. It was only
me and him after the gunman ran out. I was a bit slow
on the rescue and he kinda died," he laughed. "Well
obviously I couldn't let a good meal go to waste.
Couldn't let that precious blood just sit there,
cooling off. So do you know what I did?"

Xander shook his head, unable to stop crying. Angel
leaned in and placed his lips near the boy’s ear, his
tongue darted out and licked the earlobe. Then in a
low seductive whisper he continued.

"I fed from him. All that sweet, sweet, blood flooded
my mouth and I couldn't get enough. Every time I came
in contact with a human after that, the demon inside
rattled, begged for another meal. I almost did it
again a week later. He was a pretty little boy with
dark brown hair. Big puppy dog eyes. Now that I think
about it he kind of looked like you."

Xander's eyes closed and he began to sob. "Please
stop!"

Angel simply went on like he hadn't heard the boy’s
plea. "I sunk my fangs into his neck and drank. I
eventually stopped because the soul wouldn't allow me.
See how close I get? It's only a soul and I still
almost killed. What do you think now?"

Xander didn't speak. He just prayed for it to stop.
Prayed for Angel to stop.

"I rushed him to the hospital. I don't know if he
lived or not. But that doesn't matter does it baby?
Just another human right?"

Angel's tongue darted out and he licked the falling
tears from the boy's face. "What's wrong? Too much?
That is what you asked for, an explanation."

Xander opened his eyes and stared into Angel's. "Why
are you doing this?"

"Because," he yelled and squeezed Xander's wrists
tightly, nearly to breaking point. "Don't you get it,"
he screamed.

Xander was shaking with fear. He didn't know what to
do. Angel still had him pinned against the mattress
and all he could do was try and control his tears. But
he couldn't, they fell from his face without effort.

Angel rested his body weight against the boy and
kissed his lips softly. His voice became calm and he
spoke in a normal tone. "Because Xander you can't
forget what I am. Don't trust me. If this is going to
work you can't let yourself believe I'm something more
than a monster. That was her mistake. She allowed me
to think that. To believe that I was more, that I
wasn't a killer."

He dropped his head on Xander's shoulder and his body
went completely limp. Xander lay in shook. That was a
lot to take in and he was still so terrified that
something might happen. It was the first time since he
realized that he loved the vampire that he had been
afraid of him. That was the point Angel had tried to
make, that he should be afraid and never forget that
Angel was a vampire. But all Xander felt was
heartbreak. He didn't want Angel to suffer. He wanted
to vampire to be happy, hopefully with him. He was
snapped out of his thoughts when he felt wet tears
falling on his shoulder and sliding down his back.
Angel was crying.

The vampire’s voice was muffled and he spoke into
Xander's shoulder. "Xander I want you. I want so damn
much. Despite what you think you are special. You stay
here and fight. You have no powers, you're ordinary.
And you still fight. You're strong and I want you so
damn much. But please don't do this to me. Don't treat
me like I’m human. Don't treat me like I'm not someone
who's killed thousands. I'm still a monster. You used
to know that. So * please *...." Angel didn't finish
and more tears streamed down his face.

Xander wrapped his arms and legs around the vampire
and held him close. He didn't know if he was strong
enough for this. Angel had just poured his heart out
to him. He could have cried himself but now he had to
be the strong one. He had to the one to offer safety,
comfort, and protection. This is what he asked for, to
be here for Angel. To return the safety, the comfort.
Now he could.

TBC