Losing It

I know, I know. It's been forever, right? I'm sorry, but real life has kinda put the brakes on my writing career, but I'm back with another chapter. I hope its not a total disappointment and I would appreciate some feedback. I've been outta the game for a while and a I wanna know hoch Ich I've lost...so it would be appreciated. Enjoy!

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Buffy’s POV

I hear the front door open and then close. I involuntarily suck in a deep breath.

Faith’s home.

Willow looks over at the door and then back at me. I meet her eyes with a helpless stare. She gives me a gentle smile and places her hand on my knee gently.

“It’s okay Buffy. Just remember what I said. I love you.”

She leans over and kisses me on the forehead and smiles at me before getting up off thd and and walking out quietly. I don’t know what I would do without her.

I settle back into the bed feeling a little better. As soon as I start to relax, I hear the door open slowly.

Uh-oh.

It’s Faith. I don’t even have to open my eyes, I can *feel* it. It’s her.

I hold my breath as I hear her heavy boots fall against the carpet as she makes her way over to the bed. I feel it sink down in front of me and then I hear her husky voice drift into my ears.

“Baby, open your eyes.”

So, I do.

The moment our eyes meet, any doubts I had about us vanish. She has a soft smile on her face and her eyes are dark and sad. She takes a deep breath and looks down at my hands in my lap. I watch as she licks her bottom lip and slowly reaches over to take my hand in hers. The instant her hand touches mine, a thousand sensations encompass my entire being.

Faith pulls our hands into her lap and starts to gently rub her thumb over the back of my hand. I sigh out internally from the intimacy of the touch. I watch Faith intently as she stares down at our hands and licks her bottom lip again. It makes me smile a little.

I hear her let out a deep breath as she slowly lifts her eyes to mine. She sees my soft smile, and gives me one of her own.

“Baby…I…”

She trails off and sighs out. I don’t say anything. I just sit here and remain silent. I know this is something she has to do on her own. In her own way…on her own terms.
She lets out a deep breath and lifts her eyes to mine once more.

“Buffy, I’m so sorry about what happened. I am such an asshole. I can’t believe I called you…what I called you. I’m a fuckin’ loser and I don’t deserve another chance.”

I start to open my mouth to tell her how wrong she is, but the look in her eyes tells me she needs to do this. So, I remain silent.

“I don’t deserve another chance, and I don’t deserve your forgiveness. But…I’m asking for it anyway. I’m asking you to give me the chance to show you how much I really do love you and how much nothing else matters to me. I’m asking you to give me the chance to show you what’s in my heart. Please…give me that chance.”

Now, I’m speechless. I don’t think I can speak after that. I never knew Faith could be so…sensitive. I’m so use to ‘bad-ass, I ain’t got no feelings’ Faith. I’ve never seen her so open and vulnerable and I’ve never loved her more.

I reach over with my free hand and brush a wavy lock from her eye. She closes her eyes and lets out a sigh. I smile as I slide my hand down and rest it on her cheek.

“Baby…open your eyes.”

She cracks a tiny smile as she slowly opens her eyes. I return the smile as I lean into her, bringing our lips a breath away. I run my fingertips over her jaw before sliding my hand around to the back of her head. I entwine my fingers in the hair at the base of her neck and I stare deeply into her eyes.

“I love you Faith. That’s all that matters. That’s all that will *ever* matter.”

I lean in and kiss her softly. I hear her let out a little moan and then a whimper as I pull away. I watch as she slowly opens her eyes and licks her lips. She smirks.

“So, does this mean I’m forgiven?”

I just shake my head and smile. I lean forward and place my forehead on hers. I continue to smile softly as I look deeply into her eyes.

“Yes.”

She smiles.

~~

Faith’s POV

I can’t fuckin believe this. Just like that, Buffy has forgiven me and everything is back to the way it was…just like that.

Sometimes I wonder what I could have possibly done in my life to deserve her. I mean, I know I save people’s lives and shit, but there is no way I deserve someone like Buffy cause she deserves the best and *only* the best. I don’t know what the fuck she sees in me. Kennedy is right. I’m just a fuckin asshole who only cares about getting off. Buffy deserves so much more.

But…she tells me that I’m all she could ever want, all she could ever need…and that makes me smile.

B pulls away from me and a grin spreads across her beautiful lips.

“What is so funny?”

I can’t hold it in any longer. This is gonna be the best fuckin (no pun intended) night of my life…of *our* lives.

I let out a deep sigh and drop my hands into my lap. Buffy gets this worried look on her face and her hands fall on top of mine. She intertwines our fingers and the warmth of her touch warms my heart to the core. Yeah, I can’t believe I just said that either.

Fuck, she’s turning me into such a pussy, and I’ve never been happier.

I sigh out and lift our hands to my mouth. I breathe in the scent of her skin, cherishing her warmth, memorizing her scent and I place a delicate kiss on the back of her hand. She lets out a content little sigh and squeezes my hand.

“That’s nice baby.”

I lift my eyes to her and smile softly as I kiss her hand again. She closes her eyes for a second to soak up the moment. When she opens them again, she returns my smile and my heart melts.

That girl could defrost the Antarctic with that smile.

I smile to myself at that thought and she quirks her eyebrow.

“Something you wanna say?”

I look into her eyes and take a deep breath.

Well, here goes everything.

“Buffy…I…I just want you to know how much I love you…okay?”

I watch and wait for her to nod. She does so I go on.

“Okay. So you know that I love you more than I could ever express with words and you know that I love you more than the air in my lungs, but…you don’t…*feel* how much I love you.”

She opens her mouth to tell me some inner deep sappy shit about how she feels it every time I touch her, or every time I look in her eyes, or no doubt some other sappy shit like that, but I put up my hand to stop her before she can ruin my moment. Yeah, I’m an asshole. We’ve already established this fact.

She closes her mouth and slumps back a little. She stares at me intently, waiting for me to go on.

I take a deep breath cause I *really* don’t want to fuck this up. I gotta say it just right so I don’t come off as the asshole I know I really am.

“I know that you say you “feel” how much I love you by the way I hold you or by the way I look in your eyes, but that’s not really *feeling* anything.”

She raises her eyebrow at that one.

Uh-oh. Better tread carefully on this one Faith.

I swallow hard and struggle to continue.

“What I mean to say is…I know that you mean you feel it in your heart and that you don’t need any physical contact to know how much I love you. I know that cause it’s the same way with you. I don’t need to touch you or for you to touch me to know that you love me its just something I feel in my heart.”

That earns a pleased smile and a dreamy look in her eyes.

Fuck…yes. Lay it on her real good Faith. Buffy is such a sucker for that sappy shit. I am so gettin’ in them pants.

I smile internally at the thought, but I can’t let it fuck me up now. I almost got her.

“But…”

The pleased smile and the dreamy look quickly vanish and her eyebrows raises slightly again. I swallow and search my brain for the right words. For the love of everything holy, please let me get this right.

“But…I want you to feel that…physically. I want to show your body how much I love you as well as your heart. I want your skin to feel mine against it. I want you to feel my hands on your body, telling it how much I cherish and worship it. I want your lips to feel mine giving them the undying devotion I feel in my heart and I want you to feel me deep inside of you, calling out to you, touching you in the most intimate of ways. I want to *be* with you in the most intimate of ways. It’s not about sex, it’s about me and you expressing our love. Forever connected, and never ending.”

Fuck. I can’t believe that just came out of *my* mouth. I can’t believe *my* brain came up with that shit. But then, when I think about it, I know that it wasn’t my mouth or my brain…it was my heart.

Buffy must think so too because shesuddsuddenly on top of me kissing me so hard and so deep, I nearly fall off the back of the bed. Of course, I kiss her back and we both moan into the kiss. There ain’t no way Heaven or Hell I ever expected Buffy to be this…aggressive. But, I gotta cool her jets…and mine. This ain’t the way its supposed to go. She wants our first time to be special and that’s what she is gonna get.

Probably making the worst mistake of my life, I lift my hand up and gently push Buffy away by the shoulder. She pulls away from me and stares into my eyes. I nearly cream myself right there. She has this intense fuckin’ look on her face, she’s breathing all hard, her pupils are dilated like a bitch and she is flushed with desire.

I am gonna regret this. I just fuckin’ know it. Fuck. This love shit can be a real pain in the ass sometimes, but I know the pleasures make the pains all worth while. But that’s later. Right now, I have more important plans.

I sit myself back up and Buffy falls back against the headboard. She throws her arm over her eyes and sighs out.

“Damn Faith. I’m sorry. It’s just…after a speech like that…damn. I’m sorry.”

I smile to myself and reach over to place my hand on her knee. She moves her arm and sets her eyes on mine.

“Its okay baby. Really. I just had to say all that before…”

I trail off and she sits up to be closer to me. She puts her hand over mine on her knee and strokes it gently. I let out a deep breath and stare into her eyes.

“I had to say that before I asked you something.”

She nods.

“Anything.”

I let out a sigh and pray that I can squeeze just a few more words from my heart. I stare into Buffy’s eyes deeply. For the first time in my life, I have no doubts about my love for this girl or her love for me. Some things are just meant to be.

I smile softly at her as I take my hand from hers and reach into the inside pocket of my jacket. Buffy’s eyes follow my every movement and her breathing turns shallow. She watches with a fixed glare as my hand disappears into my jacket and then emerges once again, but it ain’t no rose this time. This time it’s a little black velvet box and my hand is shaking now more than ever. I bring the box down to my other hand and grasp it tightly.

I hear Buffy’s breathing increase and my own heart pounding in my ears. I swallow hard and suddenly feel as though the Sahara has taken permanent residence in my throat. My slayer hearing picks up the distinct sound of another rapidly beating heart and I know that she is waiting for me.

I take a deep breath and look up into her eyes. I see the beginnings of tears forming behind her eyes. I lift my thumb and wipe it under her eye before they can fall. I smile, she smiles and from somewhere deep within, I find the courage.

I take a deep breath and slide myself off the edge of the bed. She slowly turns to face me. She places her feet flat on the floor and puts her hands in her lap nervously. I take in another deep breath and bend down on my left knee. I hold the box up with shaky hands and slowly lift my eyes to meet hers. She is crying but she has a peaceful smile on her face. I take in one final shaky breath and slowly open the lid on the box.

I watch as her eyes get bigger and I can see the sparkle from the diamond shine in their perfect hazel hue. She lifts her left hand to cover her mouth as a sob emerges from her throat. I nearly start to cry too as I lift my hand and pull it away from her mouth. I hold it in my right hand and smile.

“Buffy Anne Summers, you would make me the happiest woman in the world if you would do me the honf bef becoming my wife. Will you marry me?”

Another sob emerges from her throat and she fights it back. She smiles down at me and nods her head.

“Yes Faith. Yes, I will marry you.”

I feel as though my heart has wings. Buffy has no idea how happy she just made me, but I swear on my honor as the Slayer to spend the rest of my life making sure she always is.

I gotta remember that one. Buffy likes that kinda stuff, remember?

I slip my hand from under hers and use both hands to pry the ring from its box. It is beautiful, but it doesn’t hold a candle to my girl.

I hold the ring in my left hand and reach out for Buffy’s with my right. She smiles and slides her delicate hand in mine and I slip the ring onto her ring finger. The diamond sparkles and shines as she withdraws her hand from mine.

She pulls away and lifts her hand to her eye level. She just stares at it for a few moments before looking down at me.

“It’s beautiful baby. I love it, and I love you.”

She reaches out for me and I lift up to slide into my girl’s arms.

We sit on my bed, in my room and hold each other tightly as the moment envelops us completely.

As I sit there and hold her to me tightly, kissing her face and head gently, I hear her softly crying into my shoulder, but I know they are tears of joy. The first of many, many more. I swear to you Buffy, from now on your life will be nothing but happiness and peace.

And then it hits me.

This is it. This is where *my* life and *her* life end…and where *our* life begins.