Damned if I don't, damned if I do.

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vii: Forget-Her-Not

As Toni came around, groaning at the soreness of her face, she knew something wasn’t right. She blinked through the confusion and probed her short term memory loss until she understood what it was.

Holding a hand over her nose and one eye – in case the feeling that her face was about to fall off was not just a concussed delusion – she sat up and looked around the shallow cave.

Faith was gone.

So was the sword.

“Maledetto!”

Even the short curse hurt her swollen mouth. This was good. Faith could not have departed long before or else her injuries would have begun to heal and, she winced as her tongue poked the inside of her cut cheek experimentally, they definitely had not.

The grey light outside the cave was dim now and Faith was nowhere to be seen. Toni hoped that the slayer had remembered the way they’d been travelling before the Harpy attack – and that she wasn’t feeling so unreasonable right now that she’d deliberately walked in another direction. She would not put it past Faith in the mood she was in but there was only one direction Toni could try at a time, and with that thought she set off at a fast pace. She had to catch up to her before something else found her.

She’d gone a hundred yards before she remembered to go back and fetch her clothes from the bushes. Worry making her angry now, she held them bunched in one hand, and ran.

*****

Faith must have been feeling better because she had made great ground. The speed with which she must have been travelling and the fact that she had veered off course meant that Toni was slightly winded when she finally caught up to her.

“Why did you run off like that?” she asked breathlessly. “It was very dangerous!”

“Running off is what I do.” Faith didn’t turn to look at her or slow down as she trudged through the asphodel fields. “And it woulda been more dangerous for you if I’d stayed.”

Toni ignored the implied threat. “Do you want to be recaptured?” Faith acted like she hadn’t heard. “Do you not care for the baby’s sake if not for your own?”

Faith gave a sharp, brutal laugh. “You wanna avoid your face looking any uglier than it does right now, you might wanna stay away from baby talk.”

She bristled. “Do not make the mistake of thinking I am afraid of you, Faith. The only reason I have not broken you in half since the return of my powers is because I know it would upset Buffy.”

Faith gave that curt laugh again. “Maybe you should steer clear of ‘B’ words altogether, ‘cause I hear her name come out of your mouth one more time I’m gonna do more than break you in half. There won’t be a piece of you left big enough for your girlfriend to identify.”

“Drop your arrogance! No matter how much you wish it so you do not have sole claim on Buffy’s heart. You gave that gift up.”

“And you shit all over yours too!” Faith spun tightly as she yelled, catching Toni two-handed in the chest and shoving her backwards. She raised a fist as if she was going to follow through with a punch but backed up and spun around again. “At least I can say I really love her.”

“You cannot know my true feelings for Buffy,” Toni countered.

“You’re right. See, I thought I knew you cared about her but that was obviously bullshit.”

“I love her very deeply.”

“You don’t use people you love,” Faith said flatly.

“You do not turn them away and make them miserable either.”

“Sure ya do; trust me, I got experience.”

Undeterred by Faith’s flippant response Toni continued, “You do not hurt them by giving them false hope or by flaunting your relationship with someone else until they are on the edge of madness.”

Faith turned abruptly on the narrow path again. “I never did that!”

“You asked her to be your Maid of Honour… and her wedding planner!” Toni snapped. “Do you have any idea how that made her feel?”

“Yeah, she was happy I asked.”

It was Toni’s turn to give into harsh laughter. “You are unbelievable! She was devastated.”

“No, she wasn’t.”

“She could not tell you no because she was trying to be your friend, something that she has always put more faith in than it is worth, and so she struggled on in silence when every second with you was breaking her heart.”

“Oh yeah, well if she was so silent how come you think you know all this?”

“Because all of the times you were oblivious I was busy listening.”

“All the better to use her, huh?” Faith said with a cruel smirk.

Toni licked her lips as she toyed with conflicting urges to attack and make peace. Gathering all of her self-control she chose the latter.

“My duties were clear and unavoidable but my attraction to Buffy was real from the start.”

“That doesn’t mean squat. Who wouldn’t be attracted to her?”

Toni could have pointed out that until recently she had been unable to feel such a thing for anyone and therefore her total attraction to Buffy was something of a marvel, but suspected it would just confuse matters.

“I told you the truth because you deserved to know but I owe you no explanations of my relationship with Buffy.”

“Yeah, you think you’re still gonna have a relationship when I tell her you’ve been lying to her all this time?”

“Do you think you will have one with her when she finds out you are carrying Troy’s baby?”

She knew it was a low thing to say and Faith reacted by punching her already sore face. Incensed by the fresh burst of pain, Toni forgot herself and punched back hard, sending the weakened Faith reeling backwards.

“We can fight each other here, to the death if you wish, when we should be fighting together to get out of this place. . .but I will not be your punching bag again.” Faith worked her jaw in circles silently and looked away. Toni, accepting that as her response, walked past her. “Follow me or make your own way,” she called over her shoulder. “I care for your fate no longer.”

“Never cared for yours in the first place,” Faith said, but Toni could tell she was following.

The walked in silence for a long time and the fields of asphodel seemed endless. The further they walked the more evidence they saw that they were not alone. It should have been worrying because they were no longer invisible but Toni was more concerned with the discomfort she felt at walking around in her underwear. She was not generally bashful about nudity of any kind or degree – one of the side-effects of being a Goddess of Love – but here it felt wrong and in front of Faith it was rather uncomfortable.

As they walked by another group of ghostly humans she was broken from her thoughts.

“What are they?”

“The Shades of the Dead. Ignore them.”

It was not that easy, though, when each figure turned to watch them pass. It would get worse, she knew. When the Shades were no longer occupied with mundane tasks in the fields, the piteous wailing would begin.

“If they’re dead why are they working out here?”

“What did you think death would be like?”

That stumped Faith and it was a while before she said, “B said it was kinda warm and fluffy.”

Toni smiled but there was no trace of it in her voice when she answered. “Buffy was in Heaven and you are a long way from Heaven.”

“Are they picking the fruit off these bushes?”

“Si.”

“What do they need food for if they’re dead?”

“The dead can eat, but it is a choice, not a necessity.”

“Huh.” There was a pause and then the sound of one of the round, green capsules being plucked from a plant followed by the noise of experimental chewing. “They’re not so bad. Don’t really taste like real olives though, yunno?”

“That is because they are not olives and, of course, they are poisonous to the living.” A masticated pod hit and stuck to the bare skin between her shoulder blades, making her regret her lie. “I was joking; this is the asphodel plant I was telling you about. You may eat from it safely. In fact, it will do you more good than them,” she added, nodding to another group of shades.

“Bitch,” Faith muttered but without any real malice; her hunger was probably too extreme for her to care about anything else.

Toni could appreciate that, she was very hungry too. She reached behind her, flicking, with difficulty, the wet blob of fruit from her back and then began gathering fresh capsules to consume. Behind her she could hear Faith enthusiastically doing the same.

“Do not eat too many,” she cautioned, before filling her mouth.

“Screw that, I’m starving!”

Toni thought about leaving it at that. A lie of omission would still keep Faith from Buffy but would not cause the same guilt. It only took her imagining the look on Buffy’s face if she returned without Faith to change her mind.

“You cannot cross the river Styx if there is food consumed here still in your stomach.”

“What?”

How could she make it any simpler?! “You must expel everything you eat before we can leave Hades!”

“Huh?”

Okay, Toni had said everything she could. If Faith could not pass through because she was stupid, that was not her fault.

“Oh, right!” Faith laughed. “Ya mean I gotta take a good crap first?”

Damn.

“No problem, fruit goes right through me anyway.”

Damn, Toni thought again, and walked on without a word.

*****


They left the asphodel fields behind just as the dull grey turned to absolute darkness. Toni had hoped that because of the rest they’d had they wouldn’t have to stop so soon but it was clear Faith was beginning to tire again.

They retraced their steps back to the edge of the field and camped, the tall plants offering some protection from malignant passers-by. They laid down several feet apart and exchanged no conversation, but as the temperature dropped and dropped and the wailing of the dead souls rose loud enough to chill them further they gradually wriggled closer until they were curled together – arms and ankles crossed so neither could be accused of snuggling but nevertheless sharing much needed body heat and comfort.

*****

The tension between them was still there the next morning but greatly decreased. After yawning, stretching and getting their bearings they shared a silent breakfast of asphodel before continuing the march towards home.

Toni deliberately took them on a detour, trying to recall the sketchy maps she had seen of Hades recently and putting them with her remembered knowledge of the Underworld from over two thousand years ago.

She reached the riverbank a few steps ahead of Faith and went down on her knees to submerge both her shirt and top in the cool water.

“Looks clean,” Faith observed, standing back from the edge. It did. With no pollution to despoil the water it was as clear and fresh as any mountain spring. “Do you have to go and foul it up like that with your gut-stink clothes?”

“It is your guts all over them,” Toni said mildly, hooking her top on some reeds so that it still fell in the fast flow of the water while she scrubbed her pants.

“True. Guess I can drink upstream.”

Faith was already kneeling by the edge, her cupped hands dipping into the water, when her intention registered.

“Faith, no!”

Faith looked up, startled, “What?”

“Do not drink that!”

“I’m dying of thirst here!” She started to raise her hands to her mouth.

Toni lunged towards her and slapped them away.

“Hey!”

“This is the River Lethe! If you drink from it you will forget everything!”

“Like what?”

“Like everything.”

“Really?” Faith watched the water thoughtfully. “So how much memory would I lose from a sip?”

“Are you really that thirsty?”

“Nah, just got a few thing’s I’d like to forget,” she spoke casually but her expression was serious.

For the first time since being told the truth, that Toni had noticed, Faith touched her stomach. It wasn’t a tender caress this time; more an investigational prod as if she was hoping it had disappeared while she wasn’t thinking about it.

“If you drink from the waters you will still be pregnant. You will just forget why and by whom.”

“Which is kinda what’s I’m looking for,” Faith said.

Toni kept her tongue while she twisted her pants to wring the water out.

“B would have to still love me if the kid was hers,” Faith said quietly. “Now…?” she shrugged.

Toni started to slap her pants against a rough boulder to dry them quicker – perhaps a little more fiercely than necessary. “Buffy will still love you.”

“Why would she?”

“You are asking me? I do not know why she loves you in the first place!”

Faith gave a chuckle, “Me neither, but she did. You got a point though. Can’t see her sticking around once she finds out the kid is Troy’s.”

“She already knows Troy is the father.”

“What?” Faith’s anger rose and fell as she wondered, “What else have I fuckin’ missed?” She watched the river again and pushed one hand in to get a palmful of the clear water. After a few seconds she let it run through her fingers but scooped up some more. “One mouthful and it would be like ending it all without the bad karma of suicide, right?”

“Why would you want to do that? She knows everything and she still loves you.”

“You can’t know that for sure.”

“Do you think I would be here if I didn’t? Do you not think I would be encouraging you to drink if I had any doubt? Do you honestly think I would not be drowning you in there right now if there was a chance Buffy could love me as much as you?”

“Don’t feed me more bullshit, Tone. I already figured out why you’re really here.”

“Scuzi?”

“Gotta protect Troy’s interests, right? Make sure his brat gets home safe and sound.”

“That is not true.”

“Sure it is. You said yourself you’ve been working for him all along. Really expect me to believe you switched sides right when his kid goes missing?”

“Everyone is so concerned with sides.” Toni spread her pants out on the ground, wishing there was sun to help them dry, and began to wash her top as she thought about her own situation.

“Troy thinks I have defected to Buffy’s side, you believe I am only here to represent Troy’s and Buffy. . .Buffy wants to think the best of me but I fear she cannot help thinking the worst.”

“Yeah, I used to get that from her a lot too.” Faith started to wash in the river water but was very careful not to get any too near her face.

“How did you get past it?”

Faith chuckled again. “Like I’d tell you.”

Toni smiled despite herself. “I do not know why there has to be sides now that it is all out in the open – except for you against me, obviously.”

Faith smirked. “You’re fooling yourself. Buffy and Troy are never gonna get along either.” She looked down at her stomach again. “And this is only gonna make it worse. So whether you want to or not, you better pick one before we get outta here.”

Toni shook her head. “No. I am Troy’s best friend and I am Buffy’s girlfriend until she chooses otherwise. And I have devoted too much time to the conception of your son to not be invested in his life also. So if the three of you wish to squabble about your fates so be it, but from now on I remain neutral.”

“Really think it’ll be that easy?”

“Nothing important is ever easy. I thought you would have realised this by now.”

Faith shrugged, “Guess I should have done.”

*****

Toni’s clothes were still uncomfortably damp when they entered the City of Hades but at least they were clean. Not that her appearance would matter here but it was nice to know that when they passed through to the mortal world she would at least be more presentable than Faith.

If only that was all it would take to have Buffy choose her.

They did not stop to sleep that night. Even though Faith was probably in dire need of a rest after all of their walking, she did not ask for one and Toni did not suggest it. The city was as cold as the fields as they wearily marched on down roads bordered on both sides by dilapidated high-rise apartment blocks. It was a slum lord’s paradise and the property value only plummeted further when you remembered that the slum lord in question was Hades himself.

“Grew up somewhere kinda like this,” Faith muttered, and because it was the first time either of them had spoken for the better part of a day Toni turned automatically to the sound of her voice.

“Only with less dead people, I assume,” she said. She was getting aggravated with the constant wailing and pleading of the Shades.

They knew they could not re-enter the world of the living so why did they insist on begging for her help in safe passage through the veil? She was not even sure if she would be able to pass back through safely yet.

“Not really, these ones here just don’t stink up the sidewalk so much.”

Toni frowned. “Where exactly did you grow up? Calcutta?”

Faith shrugged. “Bad side of South Boston.”

Toni had never been to Boston so she didn’t know its bad side from its good but she nodded anyway. “After that and prison, living with Troy must have been irresistible.”

“I wasn’t with him for his money!” Faith snapped.

Toni blinked in surprise. “I know.”

Faith went on like she hadn’t spoken. “I was with him because he’s a good guy. Least I thought he was. . .” she glanced down at her stomach. “He gave me stuff you can’t buy: self-respect, real confidence, a way to. . .to make up for my past.”

Yes, that was exactly what Troy had given her because that was what he had known she craved. Toni knew that Troy had not begun his own seduction with gifts of expensive clothes and jewellery like some men might have. He had led with his mind, with his knowledge of women in general and Faith in particular, and despite his lothario past he could be very sensitive for a God. She assumed it was because since the year of his birth he had been more interested in books than swords and therefore had been given far more attention by his mother than his father. Toni knew their first date had been in a shabby Cleveland bar at lunchtime and they had been dating over a month – by which time Faith had already committed herself to the relationship – before Troy took her to a restaurant whose specials didn’t include chicken in a basket or a main dish so soaked in grease it did laps around the plate.

Faith did not fall for his money; she fell for him, because he had worked hard at making her feel special for being who she was. It was actually incredible that it had worked, considering, she decided unkindly, but still not as impressive as her sublime seduction of Buffy.

“So he was really just using me from the start?” The way Faith asked made it clear she was hoping Toni would say no.

“The prophecy concerning his son’s birth is vitally important to the future of humanity. He had a choice of Slayers to be the child’s mother but he was drawn to you – I still do not understand why – and decided that the honour should be yours.”

Faith took a while to answer. “Fair enough.”

“Really?” Toni asked, surprised. “You are okay with that?”

“For now.”

*****

The city was a long way behind them. The tale of their passing through would be everywhere by now – it was not often the living walked through the city of the dead after all – and Toni was very aware that it was only a matter of time before Hades learned of their presence in his domain. Time was truly of the essence now and delays would almost certainly lead to their capture.

“I need to stop for a minute.” Faith had been slowing down and holding her stomach more and more in the last few hours.

Toni had been deliberately ignoring it. “We do not have time to sleep now.”

“I didn’t say sleep. Just gotta sit.”

“No, we must keep going. It is not far now.”

They walked for another twenty minutes or so.

“How far’s not far?”

Toni didn’t know. It could be another hour or another six. “Not far.”

“Getting sick of hearing you say that.”

Toni shrugged, unbothered. They walked on. It turned out not to be only another hour.

“Seriously Tone, I gotta stop.”

“Call me by my real name for once and I will consider it,” she said without looking at her.

“Screw you.”

Toni didn’t react and continued to walk. Some more time went by and she really needed a rest herself but it was too dangerous. The only chance they had was to get beyond the gates before Hades came looking for them.

“Okay, Toni, I need to sit the fuck down!”

“Toni is not my given name.”

“What?”

“Toni is a shortened version of my name, like B or Effie,” she said with unnecessary derision.

“Well, how am I supposed to know your real name?” Faith griped.

“I have told you before.”

“Yeah, well, I can’t even remember Troy’s real name so dunno how you expect me to remember yours.”

“It is Antonella.”

Faith frowned. “Doesn’t sound all that Greek.”

“I am not Greek, I am Roman.” They were walking towards a grove of pomegranate trees and she directed Faith into their shaded cover. “We can rest five minutes.”

“What changed your mind?”

“Once we get to the other side of the gates we may have to run very, very fast.”

“More gates?” Faith groaned. “I dunno if I can fight off Batwoman again.”

“There will be no Erinyes at this gate. In any case, if there is a fight, I will do so this time and you will run.”

Faith was too spent to argue. She leaned against a tree staring up at the fruit but did not attempt to pluck one. “So what does Antonella stand for?”

“It means flower.”

Faith sneered. “I’m getting rescued by the Goddess of Flowers? Jeez, that’s gonna damage my rep to all hell and back. . .literally!”

Toni couldn’t help but laugh. “No, I am not the Goddess of Flowers. I am a Goddess of Love.”

Faith did not act awed by that, like Toni had hoped, she just said, “Huh.”

The grove fell silent and Toni relaxed back against her own tree, trying to clear her mind before they faced going through the gate.

“So if you’re a love goddess, how come you got named after a flower? I thought the naming process was a little more specific for you divine types.”

Toni blushed and tried to answer without answering. “Not necessarily. We were named in respect to our gifts but the languages have shifted greatly over the centuries. Now it is difficult to remember why we were called what we were.”

Having caught the redness in her cheeks, Faith turned her head, giving her a sly look. “You remember though, don’tcha.”

Toni licked her lips and turned away.

“Come on. . .tell me or I’m just gonna keep asking. Or I’ll ask Buffy.”

Buffy did not know but Toni didn’t want her asking too. She huffed a sigh. “It implies the shape of a woman’s genitalia!”

Faith took a second to get it and then exploded into laughter. “You were named after pussy?” Still laughing, she slid down the tree, holding her swelled stomach. “Wow, your parents were real pervs, huh?”

“No! It had different, respectable connotations then.”

“If you say so,” Faith said, still chuckling.

Irritable, Toni pushed away from her tree. “Come now, we have rested enough.”

“Five more minutes,” Faith whined like a child.

“No.”

“Please, Antonella!” Faith said with a smirk.

“You can not embarrass me with my name! It is not a direct translation.” But she relented and sat down herself. “Why are you called Faith?”

“Dunno, you’d have to ask my dad. . .” Faith sat forward in a hurry. “Shit! What about my dad? Is he alright? What happened when I. . .?”

Toni cut in quickly to reassure her. “He seemed to convince himself that you had used the distraction of the smoke and everyone shouting to run away. Once that became apparent nobody tried to convince him otherwise.”

“Sunnydale Syndrome,” Faith said, relieved. Toni didn’t know what it meant but she’d heard Buffy and her friends using similar terms at the time and so she nodded. “Good. So he’s okay?”

“He stayed in Wendigo Hollow with us for a day, until Mr. Giles could arrange him a flight from Cleveland to Los Angeles. He requested that we have you call him when you resurfaced but he did not sound as if he expected that to be soon – probably because Troy was there too.”

“So Troy’s at the house?”

“Si.”

“Good.” Faith clambered up with the help of the tree behind her. “Let’s go.”

“You are eager to see him?” Toni asked, hopeful. This gave her and Buffy a chance!

“Yeah.” Faith patted her tummy once she was up. “I think me and the boy have some things to talk about, don’t you?”

Toni nodded as she watched her chance dissipate like mist in morning sun.

*****

“So this is the Gate?” Faith murmured stealthily.

“Si.”

“Only I’m seeing a distinct lack of monsters calling me names and trying to kill me.”

Faith was keeping watch as Toni slipped the black-gold key out of her pocket once again. She was being so amiable and diligent right now that Toni did not like to tell her that all the danger was on the other side.

“I hope your luck continues.” She slipped the key into the lock and it turned as easily as before.

“So once we’re through here we’re home free, right?”

“Not exactly.” The gate swung open and she nodded Faith through before closing it softly again.

“What do you mean ‘not exactly’?”

The growling saved Toni from having to answer and they both spun in the direction of it. The creature was fifty feet away but the ferocity of its growls carried easily. Its hackles were writhing and hissing fiercely too as it took an attacking stance.

“And that would be?”

“Cerberus,” Toni whispered. “Try and make no sudden moves.”

“Will that help?”

“Probably not,” she admitted.

When he knew he had their attention he started to bark, all three heads at once making a tremendous racket, warning his master of their presence. Toni knew they had to act now and risk being torn apart by the monstrous dog, because believe it or not they stood a better chance that way than waiting for Hades to show up.

“We have to run.”

Faith smiled grimly. “Okay, you first.”

“Together,” she insisted. “On three.”

“Fuck three. If we’re doing this, let’s do it!” And Faith started to run straight towards Cerberus.

“Not that way!” Toni yelled, wanting to bash Faith’s brains in for her foolishness. Who ran towards the monster? Stupido slayers! “Away from it!”

It was too late. Cerberus had started to run as Faith did and the only way to protect her now was to get between them. Luckily, right now she could run faster and did so, trying not to focus on the fact that this would lead to her being mauled to death in Faith’s place!

Self-preservation kicked in as she passed the Slayer, sub-consciously engaging her special abilities. She felt the power tingle all through her, warming her, making her feel invincible, but she didn’t think it would give her punch enough weight to see off the beast.

She cringed but kept going as Cerberus pounced, brought her fist forward with exactly the amount of no avail she had expected, heard Faith shout her name in panic and felt the mutt’s drool hit her face as she landed on her back under his bulk.

Then there was a moment, while she waited for a bite or three to take chunks from her body, where she wasn’t sure what was happening. The monster was on her, three muzzles were slobbering over her face and neck and above that his serpentine mane was hissing in ecstasy. Still no fatal bite came.

Then she got it. . .and wished she hadn’t.

“Cerberus!”

“Oh yeah, he looks real dangerous,” Faith was laughing now.

He was humping her leg, or trying to, thankfully, due to his size, he was mostly humping empty air. Toni did not still want to be laying there when he tried to rectify that.

“Pull him off of me!”

“What, and spoil this romantic moment?”

“Faith!” Cerberus was licking her amorously now, three tongues at once. “Ack, that one went in my mouth! Faith, I was trying to save your life! Help me!”

Faith walked away, still laughing. “Just lay back and think of Italy, Tone.”

Toni tried battering Cerberus about the head but it didn’t make any difference to his affections. “Bad dog! Stop it! Faith!”

The big Mastiff-shaped heads were blocking her view of everything but pink-black tongues, sharp white teeth and cold, wet noses until a piercing whistle cut through the canine’s excited whimpers. A head looked up with a curious woof while the other two continued to bestow Toni with ‘kisses’; opening up just enough space to see the thick branch Faith was holding.

“Hey, mutt?” The slayer pulled her arm back and let fly. “Fetch!”

The motion and the whoosh of displaced air attracted the attention of another head and two heads over-ruled one. With several yips of exhilaration he bounced off of Toni and raced away after the stick.

Without giving her a second to recover from her ordeal, Faith yanked her up. “I am so looking forward to telling B how that mongrel totally made you his bitch,” she said, laughing delightedly.

There was no point explaining that technically she had made Cerberus her bitch; Faith was too amused by her predicament to believe the truth and she was too disturbed by the timely yet alarming flare of her power to talk about it. And so she grit her teeth, ran for the river and tried to come up with a more embarrassing story to tell Buffy about Faith.