Spike's wish

Chapter 11


The past comes back to bite you in the ass part 2


“Oh…no I remember I was in heaven…with my mom.” Buffy sobbed as the next memory started.
~~~~`

"Look!" Spike said impatiently. "Dawn, I get that you're scared. But I'm your sitter, so mind me. I'm not gonna let any of those buggers lay so much as a warty digit on you. Right?" Spike asked.

"Right." Dawn whispered.

~~~~`

"Is ... this hell?"

"What?" Dawn asked confused.

"Is this hell?"

"No! Buffy, no! You're here ... with me. Whatever happened to you, whatever you've been through, it's ... it's over now. You're" the tower creaked ominously. "We have to get off this tower!"

"It was so ... clear ... on this spot. I remember ... how ... shiny ... and clear everything was. But ... now ... now..."

"Buffy ... please ... listen to me. You told me I had to be strong ... and I've tried." Dawn said with tears in her eyes. "But it's been so hard without you. I'm sorry. I promise I'll do better, I will! If you're with me. Stay with me ... please. I need you to live. Live! For" the tower creaked again and Dawn staggered. "Buffy!"

"Dawn."

"Buffy!"

"Dawn!" Buffy ran towards her and got her off the tower in the nick of time.

"Buffy?" Dawn asked tentatively. "Buffy. You ... you ..." Dawn reached up and touched Buffy's cheek. "...you're really here." Dawn hugged Buffy, "You're alive, and you're home. You're home." Dawn said sobbing. ~~~~` "Her hands." Spike said nodding at Buffy. "Um, I was gonna fix 'em. I don't know how they got like that."

"I do. Clawed her way out of a coffin, that's how." Spike stated. "Isn't that right?" He asked Buffy.

"Yeah. That's ... what I had to do." Buffy said quietly.

"Done it myself. Um ... We'll take care of you. Come here." He said gently to Buffy. "Get some stuff, uh, mercurochrome, bandages." He said to Dawn.

"Okay." She replied walking towards the kitchen. "How long was I gone?" Buffy asked, afraid to hear the answer. "Hundred forty-seven days yesterday. Uh ... hundred forty-eight today. 'Cept today doesn't count, does it? How long was it for you ... where you were?" Spike asked comfortingly.

Buffy paused before she replied."Longer." ~~~~` "Buffy."

" Spike, it's daylight and you're"

"Not on fire? Sun's low enough, shady enough here. I was gonna go inside, but I overheard you and the Super-friends exchanging a special moment and I came over a bit queasy. Say, aren't you leaving a hole in the middle of some soggy group hug?"

"Just wanted a little time alone."

"Oh, uh, right then." Spike said starting to walk away and realized he can't.

"That's okay. I can be alone with you here."

"Thanks ever so."

"Right."

"Buff? ... Slayer? Are you okay?"

"I'm here. I'm good."

"Buffy, if you're in ... if you're in pain ... or if you need anything... or if I can do anything for you..."

"You can't."

"Well, I haven't been to a hell dimension just of late, but I do know a thing or two about torment."

"I was happy. Wherever I ... was ... I was happy. At peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time ... didn't mean anything ... nothing had form ... but I was still me, you know? And I was warm ... and I was loved ... and I was finished. Complete. I don't understand a the theology or dimensions, or ... any of it, really ... but I think I was in heaven. And now I'm not. I was torn out of there. Pulled out ... by my friends. Everything here is ... hard, and bright, and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch ... this is Hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that ..." She said softly "knowing what I've lost..." Buffy said getting up and walking towards the sunlight. "They can never know. Never." Buffy stated firmly continuing into the sunlight) ~~~~`

"What can't we face if we're together?

What's in this place that we can't weather?

Apocalypse?

We've all been there.

The same old trips

Why should we care?" Buffy sang.

"What can't we do if we get in it?

We'll work it through within a minute. Sang everyone except for Giles who was staring at Buffy

" We have to try

We'll pay the price

It's do or die"

"Hey, I've died twice." Buffy sang with ale

"What can't we face if we're together?" ~~~~` "The sun sets and she appears." Spike sighed "Come to serenade me?"

"So you know what's going on."

"Well, I've seen some damn funny things in the last two days. A 600 pound Chirago demon making like Yma Sumac, *that* one will stay with you. I remain immune, happy to say." "Drink?" he asked holding up a bottle of whiskey.

"A world of no. So any idea what's causing this?"

"Oh. So that's all. You've just come to pump me for information." Spike said dissapointed.

"What else would I wanna pump you for? I really just said that, didn't I?" Buffy said cringing.

"Yeah, well ... don't wanna bore you with the small talk." Spike opened his door, inviting Buffy to leave. "Don't know a thing."

"What's up? You\all all bad-mood-y."

"Nothing. Glad you could stop by." Spike said, as Buffy remained seated "It's nothing." Spike said shaking his head.

"What?" Buffy asked. "I died

So many years ago.

But you can make me feel" Spike sang shutting the door, "Like it isn't so

And why you come to be with me

I think I finally know

Mmm, mmm.

You're scared.

Ashamed of what you feel

And you can't tell the ones you love

You know they couldn't deal

Whisper in a dead man's ear,

It doesn't make it real.

That's great.

But I don't wanna play.

'Cause being with you touches me

More than I can say.

But since I'm only dead to you

I'm saying stay away" Spike said laying down on his coffin and crossing his arms over his chest

"And let me rest in peace.

You know

You've got a willing slave." Spike said falling to his knees in front of Buffy

"And you just love to play the thought

That you might misbehave.

But till you do I'm telling you,

Stop visiting my grave

Aet met me rest in peace!

"I know I should go" Spike sang, they were now walking through a graveyard.

"But I follow you like a man possessed

There's a traitor here beneath my breast

And it hurts me more than you've ever guessed

If my heart could beat, it would break my chest

But I can see you're unimpressed

So leave me be."

And let me rest in peace

Let me get some sleep

Let me take my love and bury it

In a hole six foot deep

I can lay my body down

But I can't find my sweet release..." Spike said attacking a priest who was performing a funeral at night.

"Let me rest in peace. Buffy placed a hand on Spike's shoulder and his demon face disappeared.

"Why won't you

Let me rest in peace?" Spike sang as they fell into a freshly dug grave. Buffy jumped out of the grave and ran like the devil was behind her.

"So ... you're not staying then?" spike said as he watched her leave. ~~~~` "To be like other girls.

To fit in, in this glittering world.

Don't give me songs." Buffy sang.

"Give me something to sing about

Life's a song

You don't get to rehearse.

And every single verse

Can make it that much worse.

Still my friends

Don't know why I ignore

The million things or more

I should be dancing for.

All the joy

Life sends

Family

And friends

All the twists

And bends

Knowing that

It ends

Well that

Depends

On if they let you go

If they know enough to know

That when you've bowed

You leave the crowd.

There was no pain

No fear, no doubt

Till they pulled me out

Of Heaven.

So that's my refrain.

I live in Hell

'Cause I've been expelled

From Heaven

I think I was in Heaven

So give me something to sing about.

Please

Give me something..." Buffy couldn't take it anymore. At the shake of Sweet's head, She jumped off of the stage. She started dancing faster and faster, her feet started to smoke. Suddenly she stops. Spike is standing in front of her holding her by her shoulders.

"Life's not a song

Life isn't bliss

Life is just this

It's living

You'll get along

The pain that you feel

You only can heal

By living

You have to go one living"

Spike sang with a smile. "So one of us is living."

"The hardest thing in this world ... is to live in it." Dawn said sadly ~~~~`

"Oh, so you wanna jump right to the kissing then, eh?" Spike questioned.

" I am not kissing you, Spike. Once was" Buffy started. To say.

"Twice." Spike interrupted.

"But not again." Buffy said as she walked away. ~~~~`

"You really seem awfully fixated on a couple of kisses, Spike." "And you seem awfully quick to forget about them."

"A man can change."

"You're not a man. 're 're a thing."

~~~~` "Oh, poor little lost girl. She doesn't fit in anywhere. She's got no one to love." Spike said with a laugh.

"Me? I'm lost? Look at you, you idiot! Poor Spikey. Can't be a human, can't be a vampire. Where the hell do you fit in? Your job is to kill the slayer. But all you can do is follow me around making moon eyes." "I'm in love with you." Spike said, his voice thick with emotion.

"You're in love with pain. Admit it. You like me ... because you enjoy getting beat down. So really, who's screwed up?"

"Hello! Vampire! I'm supposed to be treading on the dark side. What's your excuse?"

"I wasn't planning on hurting you." Spike smirked. "Much."

"You haven't even come close to hurting me."

"Afraid to give me the chance?" Spike asked as Buffy shoved him violently against the wall. "You afraid I'm gonna"

Buffy shut him up by kissing him passionately. The house started to crack & tumble down around them. And, then, Spike was suddenly incoherent & gasping in shock when Buffy jumped up and wrapped her legs around his waist lifted her skirt tore Spikes zipper down and impaled herself on him. As the building fell down around them. ~~~~` "When ... When did the building fall down?" Buffy gasped in shock looking around

"I don't know. Must have been sometime between the first time and the, uh..." "Oh. Oh my god."

~~~~`

"Not gonna happen. Last night was the end of this freak show." Buffy said flatly.

"Don't say that." Spike pleaded.

"What did you think was gonna happen? What, we're gonna read the newspaper together, play footsie under the rubble?" Buffy asked

"Not exactly what I had in mind." Spike said suggestively.

"Stop!" Buffy said.

"Make me." Spike grinned at her. "No! No!" Buffy said. She struggled, then kissed him. She suddenly pulled away. "No, no, I-I have to"

"Stay. I'm stuck here. Sun's up. I knew. I knew the only thing better than killing a slayer would be

"What?!" Buffy asked getting up

"Is that what this is about? Doing a slayer?"

"Well, I wouldn't throw stones, pet. You seem to be quite the groupie yourself." Spike said grinning.

"Shut up." Buffy said disgusted.

"I'm just sayin' ... vampires get you hot."

"*A* vampire got me hot. One. But he's gone. You're just... You're just convenient." Buffy said angrily.

"So. what now? You go back to treating me like dirt till the next time you get an itch you can't scratch? Well, forget it. Last night changed things. I'm done being your whipping boy." Spike said angrily.

~~~~` "Willow? That's kind of a sorry excuse to come by. If you want the touch all you need to do is." Spike trailed off

"Spike. Willow's into something, okay? Her and Dawn have been missing for hours. There, there's some guy named Rack."

"Rack?" Spike asked suddenly concerned.

"Yeah, he's, uh, some sort of"

"I know who he is, he deals in magic. Black stuff, dangerous." Spike interrupted.

"I've been all over downtown and I can't find his place." Buffy said worried.

"Because he cloaks it. You can't feel it unless you're into the big bad - a witch or a vampire or"

"So let's go!" Spike stood up, still naked. Buffy quickly turned her back. "Oh, that's right. Hide your blushing eyes." Spike said sarcastically. ~~~~`

"Maybe, but we've been through this, haven't we? Things have changed." Spike said.

"Will you quit that? The only thing that's different is th'm 'm disgusted with myself. That's the power of your charms. Last night ... was the most perverse ... degrading experience of my life." Buffy said disgustedly.

"Yeah. Me too." Spike smiled fondly.

"That might be how you get off, but it's not my style." Buffy said.

"No, it's your calling. Gave me a run for my money, Slayer. Now, I admit it. You've had me by the short hairs. I love you. You know it. But I got my rocks back. You felt something last night." Spike was sure of it.

"Not love." Buffy said shaking her head.

"Not yet. But I'm in your system now. You're gonna crave me, like I crave blood. And the next time you come crawling, if you don't stop being such a bitch, maybe I will bite you." Spike said meanly.

~~~~`

"Morning." Spike said entering the kitchen smoking slightly.

"What are you doing? And, here?" Buffy asked.

"Just, uh, took a stroll. Found myself in your neck of the woods." Spike smiled at her.

"Couldn't find a less flammable time of day to take a stroll?" Buffy asked rolling her eyes.

"Yeah, well, the fact is my lighter's gone missing. Thought it might have, uh, dropped outta my pocket the last time I was here." "Haven't seen it." Buffy said turning her back on him.

" I'm, uh, gonna head back to my room, get dressed." Willow said as she walked out of the kitchen.

"Oh, I..." Buffy shook her head and stopped trying to follow Willow.

"Lame." She said looking at Spike

"What?" Spike asked her.

"You. Making up excuses." Buffy said smugly.

"Oh, don't flatter yourself, luv. Bloody fond of that lighter." "Stop trying to see me. And stop calling me that."

"So, um ... what should I call you then? Pet? Sweetheart? My, uh ..." Spike thinks for a second playing with Buffy's hair "little goldilocks? You know I love this hair. The way it bounces around when you" Buffy menaced him with a spatula

~~~~` "Didn't go well, huh?" Spike questioned after Doris left.

" Why won't you go?" Buffy asked softly

"I just thought you'd want" Spike started sympatheticly

"Get out of here!" Buffy said harshly.

Spike lunged at her pinning her against the wall. Buffy turned her head so he couldn't kiss her, instead he stuck his hand in the front pocket of her jeans and pulls out his lighter. Just getting what I came for luv." He said as he strode off, not looking back "So long goldilocks."

~~~~`

"What's the matter? Ashamed to be seen with me? Come on. He had no idea I was here. This is perfect." Invisi-Buffy said

"Perfect for you."

"Well, picture me confused. I thought this was what you wanted."

"What I want... This vanishing act's right liberating for you, innit? Go anywhere you want. Do anything you want. Or anyone." Spike said annoyed.

"What are you talking ab" Invisi-Buffy was inturruppted

"The only reason you're here, is that you're not here." Spike said.

"Right. Of course, as usual there's something wrong with Buffy. She came back all wrong. You know, I didn't ask for this to happen to me." Invisi- Buffy said.

"Not too put off by it though, are you?" Spike questioned.

"No! Maybe because for the first time since ... I'm free. Free of rules and reports ... free of this life."

"Free of life? Got another nfor for that. Dead."

"Why do you always have to ...?" She asked in a pouty voice. "I thought we were having fun."

"Yeah, now! But sooner or later your chums are gonna work out a way to bring you back to living color. You need to go. Get dressed if you can find your clothes, and push off. 'Cause if I can't have all of you, I'd rather" Spike stops his tirade Suddenly looking down. "Okay, that's cheating." ~~~~`

"Uh ... we missed the bed again."

"Lucky for the bed."

"Is this a new rug?"

"Mm...no. Just looks different when you're under it."

"You know, this place is okay for a hole in the ground. You fixed it up."

"Well, I ate a decorator once. Maybe something stuck."

"I've been thinking about doing something to my room."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, I think the New Kids On The Block posters are starting to date me."

"Well, if you want, I can..." He stops mid sentence with surprise he asked "Are we having a conversation?"

"What? No! No." She paused. "Maybe."

~~~~`

"Do you even like me?" Spike asked vulnerably.

"Sometimes." Buffy said softly, being honest for once.

"But you like what I do to you." She nods.

"Do you trust me?" He asks dangling handcuffs

"Never."

~~~~`

"I-it's Spike. He can hurt me. Without his head exploding."

"Oh my god. Hi-his chip stopped working?" Tara said shocked.

"No, it still works. Just not on me. I-I need to know about the spell. The one that ... brought me back. I, I'd ask Willow, but..."

~~~~`

"You see ... you try to be with them... but you always end up in the dark ...with me. What would they think of you ... if they found out ... all the things you've done? If they knew ... who you really were?"

"Don't." She whispers "Stop me." he said sliding into her from behind. "No ... don't close your eyes. Look at them. That's not your world. You belong in the shadows... with me. Look at your friends ... and tell me ... you don't love getting away with this... ...right under their noses."

~~~~`

"I'm gonna get you home, and you're gonna crawl in your warm comfy bed and stay there!" Spike said firmly. "I'm gonna sort this out. Trust me." He said softly

~~~~`

" You're not going in there." He indicated the police station with a tilt of his head.

"I have to do this. Just let me go." Buffy pleaded.

"I can't. I love you."

"No, you don't."

"You think I haven't tried not to?"

"Try harder.” She said punching him in the face.

"You are not throwing your life away over this."

"It's not your choice."

"Why are you doing this to yourself?"

"A girl is dead because of me."

"And how many people are alive because of you? How many have you saved? One dead girl doesn't tip the scale."

"That's all it is to you, isn't it? Just another body!"

"Buffy" Spike Sighed. Buffy attacked. "You can't understand why this is killing me, can you?"

"Why don't you explain it?" Spike asked as she continued to hit him.

"Come on, that's it, put it on me. Put it all on me." Spike said as Buffy kicked him. Hard. "That's my girl."

BUFFY: (yelling) "I am not your girl!" She yelled knocking him to the ground and repeatedly hitting him. Spike just lay there and took the punches, not even bothering to block them. 'You don't ... have a soul! There is nothing good or clean in you. You are dead inside! You can't feel anything real! I could never ... be your girl!"

SPIKE: (face swollen, voice slurred) "You always hurt ... the one you love, pet. Buffy?" Spike said his voice slurred from the blood spilled in his mouth, face all bruised and swollen. Buffy starts off towards the police station. Spike tried to stop her but couldn't, he was to dizzy from getting beaten. ~~~~`

"He's everything I hate. He's everything that ... I'm supposed to be against. But the only time that I ever feel anything is when ... Don't tell anyone, please." Buffy pleaded.

"I won't." Tara said honestly.

"The way they would look at me ... I just couldn't..." Buffy said breaking down into tears.

"I won't tell anyone. I wouldn't do that."

"Why can't I stop? Why do I keep letting him in?" Buffy whispered.

"Do you love him? I-It's okay if you do. He's done a lot of good, and, and he does love you. A-and Buffy, it's okay if you don't. You're going through a really hard time, and you're..."

"What? Using him? What's okay about that?"

"It's not that simple."

"It is! It's wrong. I'm wrong. Tell me that I'm wrong, please... Please don't forgive me, please..." Buffy said sobbing "Please don't... Please don't forgive me..."

~~~~`

"Does it help?" Dawn asked indicating his drink.

"Doesn't hurt." He said nodding towards Dawn's backpack "Not planning a camp out, are we?"

"No. I'm sleeping over at Janice's. Figured Willow and Tara might want some time to ah..."

"So the birds are flying again, eh?" Spike asked. "Ain't love grand." He whispered.

"I wanted to stop by on my way and, you know..." She paused "everybody's pretty mad at you."

"Yeah. Kinda picked up on that."

"You're not gonna be coming around anymore.... are you?"

"It's complicated, nibblet."

"Everybody's been saying that."

"Must be true then."

"Was it worth it? What you did with Anya?"

"Buffy told you?" Spike asked shocked.

"Kinda caught the show. There was a camera somewhere in the magic box. Warren and Jonathan and that other guy have been watching Buffy.

"Wankers!"

"Do you love her?"

"Oh, no, no. It was just a... a...it was a bad day. For both of us. We just had a few drinks and things just"

"No, not Anya. Buffy. Do you really love her?" She paused. "How could you do that to her?"

"Oh, right. Cuz Big Sis was treating me so well up until that point. Must still be a bit of the evil left in me after all." Spike said bristling

"I don't know what happened between you two. But what you did last night... If you wanted to hurt Buffy -- congratulations. It worked." ~~~~`

Buffy was in her bathrobe, running a bath when Spike walk in.

"Are you hurt? you're not moving so well..." Spike said concerned

"Get out." Buffy said in a cold, angry, hurt voice

"We have to talk."

"I really don't."

"Well, this isn't just about you -- as much you'd like it to be."

"You spoke. I listened. Now leave."

"sorry. Not that it matters anymore. But I needed you to know that." Spike said in a soft sincere voice.

"Why?"

"Cause I care about you."

"Then you might want to try the not sleeping with my friends."

"I didn't go to Anya for that. I was looking for a spell."

"You were going to use a spell on me?"

"It wasn't for you! *I* wanted something -- anything to make this feeling stop. I just wanted it to stop!" Spike paused. "You should have let him kill me."

"I couldn't do that."

"Why?"

"You know why."

"Because you love me."

"No! I don't."

"Why do you keep lying to yourself?" Spike questioned

"How many times...!? I have feelings for you. I do. But it's not love. I could never *trust* you enough for it to be love."

"Trust is for old marrieds, Buffy!" Spike scoffed. "Great love is wild and passionate and dangerous. It burns and consumes."

"Until there's nothing left. Love like that doesn't last."

"I know you feel like I do. You don't have to hide it anymore."

"Spike, please, stop this"

"Let yourself feel it..." He led led off as he reached for her

" No..." Buffy said as Spike pushed her down on the cold hard tile.

"You love me..." Spike said as he stuck his hand inside her robe.

"Oh, no, stop it! Spike, stop. Ow! What are you doing? Ow!" Buffy said panicking

"Let it go... Let yourself love me... Buffy, Buffy..." Spike said soothingly

"Spike, no, ow, I'm hurt, stop!" Buffy said trying to push him off of her.

"I know you felt it... When I was inside you..." Spike said pushing her legs open and slipping between them

"Don't... please, please Spike, please don't do this, please don't do this..." Buffy said gravely.

"You'll feel it again, Buffy... I'm gonna make you feel it..." Spike said desperatly, reaching inside her robe and ripping it open.

"STOP!" Buffy screamed as she kicked him and sent him flying.

"Ask me again why I could never love you!" She said sobbing

"Buffy, my god, I didn't" Spike was crying too.

"Because I stopped you. Something I should have done a long time ago."

~~~~~`

"Get nice and comfy Slayer. I'll be back. And when I do... things are gonna change." Spike said starting his motorcycle and driving out of Sunnydale.

~~~~`

"Not asking for permission, mate." Spike said to the Villager

"Stop! You'll die! Stop!" Shouted the Villager.

~~~~`

" Yeah. I seek you." Spike said angrily

"Something about a woman. The slayer" Said the demon.

"Bitch thinks she's better than me. Ever since I got this bleeding chip in my head, things aint been right. Everything's gone to hell"

"And you want to return. To your former self..."

"Yeah." Spike said

The demon laughed.

"What?" Spike asked infuriated.

" Look what she's reduced you to!" The demon stated.

" It's this bloody chip"

"You were a legendary dark warrior - and you let yourself be castrated. And you have the audacity to crawl in here and demand restoration?"

"I'm still a warrior"

"You're a pathetic excuse for a demon"

"Yeah? I'll show you pathetic! Give me your best shot!"

"You'd never endure the trials required to grant your request."

"Do your worst. But when I win, I want what I came here for. Bitch is gonna see a change." Spike said darkly

~~~~~~`

"Bored now." Willow said as he flicked her hand at warren, all of his skin ripped swiftly off.

"Oh my God." Xander stated as he reached the clearing

"What did you do? Willow, what did you do?" Buffy asked staring at the fleshless thing that used to be Warren. " One down." She said smiling oddly as she vanished

~~~~`

"Well that was a bloody doddle and a piece o'piss... Got any more ruddy tests for me, you ponce? I'll take anything you can throw at me. If it'll get me what I need to take care of the Slayer. Give her what's coming to her. You just bring it on. Bring on the whole" Black beatles crwaling all over and under his skin. "Bloody hell." Spike murmmered under his breath.

~~~~~~~`

"Proserpexa...Let the cleansing fires from the depths burn away the suffering souls, and bring sweet death." Willow said green light shooting from her to the effigy.

Xander suddenly steps between Willow and the effigy. "Hey, black-eyed girl...Whatcha doin'?" Xander asks

"Get out of here." Willow said darkly

"Oh no...You're not the only one with powers, you know. You may be a hopped up uber-witch, but this carpenter can dry-wall you into the next century.

"I'm not joking, Xander. Get out of my way. Now." Willow said as she magically threw him back. Causing him to fall.

Xander rose, and blocked the beam again

" You can't stop this." Willow said

"Yeah, I get that. It's just - where else am I gonna go? You've been my best friend my whole life. World gonna end - where else would I want to be?"

"Is this the master plan? You're going to stop me by telling me ya love me?"

"Well, I was gonna walk you off a cliff and hand you an anvil, but it seemed kinda cartoony."

"Still making jokes." She shook her head.

"I'm not joking. I know you're in pain. I can't imagine the pain you're in. And I know you're about to do something apocalyptically evil and stupid and hey, still want to hang. You're Willow."

"Don't call me that!" She shouted.

"The first day of kindergarten you cried 'cause you broke the yellow crayon and you were too afraid to tell anyone. You've come pretty far, ending the world, not a terrific notion... but the thing is, yeah. I love you. I love crayon-breaky Willow and I love scary veiny Willow. So if I'm going out, it's here. If you wanna kill the world, well then start with me. I've earned that."

"You think I won't?" She questioned

"It doesn't matter. I'll still love you."

"Shut up." She said as she magically cut his face.

"I love you."

Willow magically sliced open his chest.

" I... love" He started to say but was cut off when Willow sent another blast his way. Xander got back up and staggered towards her.

"Shut up." Willow said again, blasting him with a weaker blast.

"I love you, Willow."

"Stop..." Willow said and blasted him again with a weak blast.

"I love you." Xander said walking towards her. He was right in front of her.

"Stop!" Willow shouted as she punched at him weakly with her fists, and broke down crying in his arms, her hair slowly turned back to red as Xander held her while she cried.

"I love you." Xander murmered softly into her hair.

~~~~`

"You have endured the required trials."

"Bloody right I have. So, you give me what I want. Make me what I was... so Buffy can get what she deserves." Spike said weakly

"Very well. We will return your soul."

Spike screamed in agony as the demon placed his hand on Spike's chest. ~~~~`

"Spike?" Buffy asked

"Here to help. No hurting the girl."

"Untie her. I'll take care of this."

Spike attacked the robbed figure despite him being human and Spike getting zapped with each punch.

"Who are you?" The robbed figure asked Spike

"I'm a bad man." Spike said as he knocked him out. Then went over to untie Cassie

"She'll tell you. Someday she'll tell you." Cassie said as she grabbed Spike's arm.

~~~~~~`

"We're gonna get to the bottom of this. We just can't take any chances." Buffy said apologetically tying Spike to the chair.

"Don't... Make it tighter-the knots'll give. I get free, someone's gonna die." Spike said looking into her eyes.

~~~~`

"Can I do something?" Buffy asked.

" I think you should probably go"

Buffy brought a blood bag over and offered it to Spike. She held it for him as he drank.

"Better?" She asked. Spike nodded "Good."

~~~~`

"How did you do it? How'd you get your soul back?" Buffy asked tentatively.

" Saw a man about a girl. I went to seek a legend out. Traveled to the other side of the world, made a deal with a demon."

" Just like that?"

"No, not just like that. There was a price. There were trials, torture, pain and suffering... of sorts."

"Of sorts?"

"Well, it's all relative, isn't it?"

"Meaning?"

"Meaning I have come to redefine the words pain and suffering since I fell in love with you."

"How can you say that?"

"Apparently, I just slaughtered half of Sunnydale, pet. I'm not really worried about being polite anymore."

"So, that's what this is about. You feeling sorry for yourself, Spike?"

"I'm feeling honest with myself. You used me."

"Yes."

"You told me that, of course. I never understood it though. Not until now. You hated yourself, and you took it out on me."

"You figured that out just now?"

"Soul's not all about moonbeams and pennywhistles, luv. It's about self- loathing. I get it. Had to travel 'round the world, but I understand you now. I understand the violence inside." "Violence? William the Bloody now has insight into violence?" Buffy questioned

"Not the same. As bad as I was, as evil and as wretched as I was, I never truly hated myself back then. Not like I do now." ~~~~~~` "Do you know why you're alive?" Dru/First asked

"Never figured you for existential thought, luv. I mean, you hated Paris."

"You're alive for one reason, and one reason only. Because I wish it. Do you know why I wish it? Because I'm not done with you." Dru/First said

"Give it up. Whatever you are, whatever you get away with, I'm out. You can't pull this puppet's strings anymore." Spike scoffed

"And what makes you think you have a choice? What makes you think you will ever be any good at all in this world?" Dru/First asked

"She does. Because she believes in me." Spike said softly ~~~~` "Buffy, I'm all right."

" You don't have to"

" What? Be noble? I'm not. Really, I'm all right. Think I still dream of a crypt for two with a white picket fence? My eyes are clear."

~~~~` "Spike? What happened?" Buffy asked Spike opened the door; Buffy saw Robin sitting on the floor, slumped over. "Oh, my God."

" I gave him a pass. Let him live. On account of the fact I killed his mother. But that's all he gets. He even so much as looks at me funny again, I'll kill him." Spike said walking away.

"I lost my mom a couple years ago. I came home and found her dead on the couch." Buffy said to Robin

"I'm sorry." He said weakly

"I understand what you tried to do, but she's dead."

"Because he murdered her."

"I'm preparing to fight a war, and you're looking for revenge on a man that doesn't exist anymore."

"Buffy, don't delude yourself... That man still exists."

"Spike is the strongest warrior we have. We are gonna need him if we're gonna come out of this thing alive. You try anything again, he'll kill you. More importantly, I'll let him. I have a mission to win this war, to save the world. I don't have time for vendettas. Buffy said walking away. "The mission is what matters." ~~~~` "All right, well cool. While Willow's does that, the rest of us can" Faith was interrupted By Andrew. "We're back!"

" Spike."

"Hey." Spike said.

"Hi, everybody. I missed you guys a lot. Sorry we took so long getting back from our mission, mission but we had to wait out the sun and, well, I think our mission went very well. We rode on Spike's hog, which was very cool, and played some amusing games and, oh, we got some information. But do you know what? I really need to urinate." Andrew said as he left the room.

"He's a breath of fresh air, isn't he? Thank god I don't breathe. So I think we got a lead. Where's Buffy?" Spike asked.

"She's not here right now." Dawn stated.

"When'd she get back?" Spike asked.

"While you were gone, we all got together and talked out some disagreements that we were having and eventually, after much discussion, Buffy decided that it would be best for all of us if she took a little time off. A little breather." Willow said nervously.

"Uh-huh. I see. Been practicing that little speech long, have you? So Buffy took some time off right in the middle of the apocalypse? It was her decision?" Spike asked incredulously

"Well, we all decided." Xander said.

"Oh, yeah, you all decided. You sad, sad, ungrateful traitors. Who do you think you?"

"We're her friends. We just want" Willow started to say.

"Oh, that's ballsy of you. You're her friends and you betray her like this?" Spike interrupted.

"You don't understand."

"You know, I think I do. Rupert. You used to be the big man, didn't you? The teacher, all full of wisdom. Now she's surpassed you and you can't handle it. She has saved your lives again and again. She has died for you. And this is how you thank her?" ~~~~` "There you are. Do you realize I could just walk in here, no invite needed? This town really is theirs now, isn't it?" Spike said "I heard. I was over there. That bitch. She's all about smiles and reformation when you're on your feet. And the moment you're down? She's all about the kicking, isn't that right? Makes me want to..."

"It wasn't just Faith. It was all of them and it's not like they were wrong. Please leave."

"No, this'll change your tune. I came here 'cause I got something to tell you." Spike said triumphantly. "You were right. Caleb is trying to protect something from you and I think you were spot on all the way. I think it's at the vineyard." Buffy looked at him blankly "So?" "You were right. Buffy?"

"I don't feel very right."

"You're not fooling me."

"What do you even mean?"

"Well, you're not a quitter."

"Watch me."

"You were their leader and you still are. This isn't something you gave up. It's something they took."

"And the difference is?"

"We can take it back." "No?"

" No."

"You mean "no" as in "eventually"?"

"You really have problems with that word, don't you?"

"You can get them back." "Can, maybe. Should? I'm just tired."

"They need you."

"Well, I."

"It's bloody chaos over there without you."

"It is?" "Yeah, it's. there's junk food cartons, sleeping bags not rolled up. everyone's very scared and unkempt."

"Sounds dire."

"I didn't see a lot. I came, hit Faith a bunch of times and left".

"Really?" Buffy smiled "I mean, I'm not glad of that."

"Say the word and she's a footnote in history. I'll make it look like a painful accident."

"That's my problem. I say the word, some girl dies. Every time."

"There's always casualties in a war." Spike replied.

"Casualties. it just sounds so casual. These are girls. That I got killed." Buffy paused. "I cut myself off from them, all of them. I knew I was going to lose some of them and I didn't. You know what? I'm still making excuses. I've always cut myself off, I've always. being the Slayer made me different but it's my fault I stayed that way. People are always trying to connect to me but I just. slip away." She paused again. "You should know."

"I seem to recall a certain amount of connecting." Spike said suggestively.

"Oh, please. We were never close. You just wanted me because I was unattainable." Buffy said.

"You think that's all that was?"

"Please, let's not go over the past."

"Oh, no. Hold on here. I've hummed along to your pity ditty and I think I should have the mike for a bit."

"Fine. The stage is yours. Cheer me up." Buffy said shrugging.

"You're insufferable."

"Thank you. That really helped."

"I'm not trying to cheer you up."

"Then what are you trying to say?" Buffy asked

"I don't know! I'll know when I'm done saying it. Something pissed me off and I just. unattainable! That's it." Spike said passionately.

"Fine. I'm attainable. I'm an attain-athon. Can I please just go to sleep?"

"You listen to me. I've been alive a bit longer than you and dead a lot longer than that. I've seen things you couldn't imagine and done things I'd prefer you didn't. I don't exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood which doesn't exactly rush in the direction of my brain, so I make a lot of mistakes. A lot of wrong bloody calls. A hundred plus years and there's only one thing I've ever been sure of. You. Hey, look at me. I'm not asking you for anything. When I say I love you, it's not because I want you, or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you and I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You are a hell of a woman. You're the one, Buffy."

"I don't want to be the one." Buffy said, he could hear the tears in her voice.

"I don't want to be this good-looking and athletic. We all have crosses to bear." Buffy smiles at his words. "You get some rest now. I'll check in before first light. You can decide how you want"

"Spike?" Buffy's voice interrupts "Could you stay here?"

"Sure. That diabolical torture device, the comfy chair. Do me fine."

"No. I mean. here. Will you just hold me?" Buffy asks softly. Spike looks shocked, But walks towards the bed, climbed in and let her rest her weary head.

~~~~~~` Spike was venting on a punching bag; as Buffy came down the basement stairs

"So. Where's tall, dark and forehead?"

"Let me guess. You can smell him."

"Yeah, that and I also used my enhanced vampire eyeballs to watch you kissing him."

"It was. a hello." Buffy stated.

"Most people don't use their tongues to say hello. Or I guess they do but"

"There were no tongues. Besides, he's gone." Buffy interrupted.

"Oh, just popped by for a quickie, then?"

"Good, good! I haven't had quite enough jealous vampire crap for one night." Buffy said tiredly.

"He wears lifts, you know."

Buffy leaned up against the punching bag, then noticed a cartoon picture of a vampire with spiky brown hair taped to it and rolled her eyes.

"You know, one of these days I'm just going to put you two in a room and let you wrastle it out." Buffy said exasperated.

"No problem at this end." Spike said stubbornly.

"There could be oil of some kind involved." Buffy said dreamily.

"Where's the trinket?"

"The who-ket?" Buffy asked.

"The pretty necklace your sweetie-bear gave you. The one with all the power. I believe it's mine now." Spike said confidently

"How do you figure?" Buffy questioned. "Someone with a soul but more than human? Angel meant to wear it. That means I'm the qualified party." Spike said holding out his hand.

"It's volatile. We don't know"

"You'll be needing someone strong to bear it, then. You plan on giving it to Andrew?" Spike ever the smart ass asked.

"Angel said the amulet was meant to be worn by a champion."

Spike's hand dropped. Defeated he stood there sadly. Buffy walked towards him and handed him the amulet.

"Been called a lot of things in my time..." Spike said touched by her words.

"Faith still has my room." Buffy hinted.

" Well, you're not staying here! You can't buy me off with shiny b and and sweet talk. You've got Angel-breath. I'm not going to just let you whack me back and forth like a rubber ball. I got my pride, you know." Spike said indignantly

"I understand." Buffy said turning to leave.

"Clearly you don't, 'cause the whole "having my pride" thing was just a smokescreen." Spike said stepping around her and blocking the stairs.

"Oh, thank god!" Buffy replied relieved.

"I don't know what I would have done if you'd gone up those stairs." Spike said honestly. ~~~~~` "I can feel it, Buffy."

"What?"

"My soul. It's really there. It kind of stings." Spike said.

~~~~`

"Go on, then." Spike said nodding towards the exit.

"No! No, you've done enough! You could still." Buffy started to say.

"No, you've beaten them back. It's for me to do the cleanup." Spike interrupted.

"Buffy, come on!" Faith shouted as she started to run.

"Gotta move, lamb. I think it's fair to say, school's out for the bloody summer."

"Spike!"

"I mean it! I gotta do this."

Buffy reached out for his outstretched hand, their fingers laced, then burst into flames.

"I love you." Buffy said tears threatening to choke her. "No, you don't. But thanks for saying it. Now go!" He shouted at Buffy giving her a push. Then she was off running, hell was on her heels and she was determined to outrun it this time.

~~~~`

"I want to see how it ends." Spike murmured. "I wish that when I met Buffy I would have realized I had fallen in love with her and known what she deserved the first time I talked to her." Spike said sadly with his last breath as he started to disintegrate.

WISH GRANTED.

****++++****

"NNNNOOOOO" Buffy screamed Falling to the floor on her knees sobbing. Spike went to her and wrapped his arms around him. "Shh Buffy, I've got you. "Spike, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry I did that to you."
~~~~`

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