Solid Ground

Title: Solid Ground – Part 11 - Monster
Author: Xanfan
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: eventually, X/A
Summary: SLASH - Xander is assaulted by his secret boyfriend and needs to get out of Sunnydale to heal. He and Tara go to L.A. to recover from their screwed up lives.
Spoilers: Up through most of season six of BtVS, goes AU at end of Entropy. Through season 4 of Angel, Okay, just pretty much anything from all seasons of both shows is fair game.
Warnings: SLASH M/M, violence, description of non-con.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

A/N: Anya broke up with Xander after “Once More with Feeling” He began another relationship not long after that. Buffy never told Tara why she wanted to know if she ‘came back wrong’, so Tara doesn’t know about her and Spike. Tara doesn’t die, because she isn’t there to get back together with Willow. This takes place right after Xander & Buffy see Anya and Spike on video, courtesy of spy cams.

A/N 2: yes this is a short chapter, but longer chapters are in your future.
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Spike sat among boxes in the huge cargo ship he had stowed away on. His traitorous mind replayed again and again the scene from his crypt a few nights ago.

For the first time in over a hundred years, he took no joy in being a monster.

Because that’s what he was. A monster.

In the past, he had taken great pleasure in proclaiming himself to be “The Big Bad” or “Evil”. He had bragged and practically shouted it from the rooftops, taken great joy in letting his ‘demon’ out. He had loved being a vampire: the hunt, the futile struggles of the food before they died, that moment when the sad little humans realized there was nothing they could do to stop their demise. He adored the hot rush of blood that pumped from their bodies into his, the taste of fear and adrenaline that had been released in a last ditch effort to survive. The lingering traces of emotion, sadness, loss, regret that tainted the last few moments of their lives could be felt on his tongue for hours after a feeding. It was a heady and horrifically beautiful thing.

But he had never really felt like a monster. Bad guy, sure. Monster, not so much. Not like he did now.

Now he just wanted to rip the recurring movie out of his brain. He no longer wanted to see huge brown eyes full of pain and tears. He didn’t want to hear the same voice that had said ‘I love you’ all those times begging him, ‘Stop! NO! Please don’t.’ He most definitely wanted to forget sneering drunkenly at the broken and bleeding boy who had barely managed to crawl out of the crypt.

He wanted to forget the growing horror he had felt as the alcohol cleared his system. The sick feeling of dread that had settled like a stone in his stomach when his senses were shaken from their muddled state and inundated with the scent of drying blood and semen, quickly realizing that the blood was mostly Xander’s while the semen was Spike’s alone. He desperately wanted to forget the un-demon-like flash of relief he felt when he realized he hadn’t killed the boy.

He wondered when he had sunk that low. Not just when he had become something that did that sort of thing, he knew that date. It was the cold and miserable evening in a dirty alley in London when he had first seen his ‘dark princess’ and her true face.

But when had he become something who regretted it?

Why wasn’t he reveling in remembrance of the blood and pain and fear? Why wasn’t he rejoicing in his long-lost ability to cause the blood and pain and fear? Why hadn’t he stayed to finish the boy off?

Why had it taken him so long to hurt the boy? He had had months in which he could have caused torment and reeked havoc on the pitiful whelp, even before he had realized that his chip didn’t stop him from hurting him. And after? He could have bathed in the boy’s blood; he could have easily made him miserable. But no, he had watched out for him, kept him safe on patrol, taken him into his bed. He had spent time with the human, laughing together, playing together. Enjoying each other’s company. He had even been… tender with the whelp the first time they had made lo… no, had sex… no, fucked. The first time they had fucked, he had gone out of his way to be gentle and make sure he didn’t hurt the boy. He’d made sure it was good for Xander, too, not just for himself. Spike shuddered in revulsion.

The Slayer and her lot had softened him, that’s what had happened.

This bloody chip had made him weak and made him… feel things.

Vampires shouldn’t regret, they shouldn’t feel bad over their actions. It just wasn’t done.

If he’d never had the chip, he would never have been brought this low. He wouldn’t be chasin’ after the Slayer, because he would have killed her already. He wouldn’t be shaggin’ one of her lame friends. He might have shagged the boy and drained him, but he wouldn’t have had a… 'relationship’. He felt dirty just thinking the word.

It was the chip’s fault and the Slayer’s. But he would fix the Slayer and her whole lot, give them all what they deserved.

And Spike knew just how to go about it, too.

Anything to get those pleading brown eyes to stop tormenting him in his dreams.