So Damn Domestic

The Same Day. FPOV


I slowly open my eyes and look around. I’ve been in this stupid room for over seven hours now. I hate it in here already. Buffy left a little while ago. She went down to the cafeteria to get something to eat. I want to be alone for a little while so it’s good that she left. I don’t know why, it must be one of those natural instincts or something but I just wanna lie down in a small dark space and be completely by myself. I never got the epidural, but that’s ok. I haven’t had a contraction in over four hours. I’m still seven centimeters dilated and am showing no signs of moving forward. It’s like the labor is on pause or something. Like she decided that today isn’t the day she wants to be born. I can’t be in this bed anymore, I need to get up, and I wanna walk around. So, that’s what I’ll do. Even if I am pregnant it’s not like any of these people can fuckin stop a slayer if she really wants to do something.


So I unhook myself from the heart monitor things but I leave in the IV because that stung a little when they put it in and I don’t want to go through that again. So I grab onto the pole thing that has the IV bag thing and drag it as I go towards the door. Thank God it has wheels on the bottom because I really don’t want to carry it around. So I walk to the door and open it. I have no idea where I’m going I just don’t want to be in here anymore. I need to get out and walk around, I just need to. And that’s just great. Kennedy is standing outside the door. It looks like she was going to walk into the room but because big fat me was is standing in the way she can’t. Now she’s going to lecture me on getting out of bed because I’m just some fragile thing. Why the fuck is she smiling? And is that…she’s handing me some ice cream. Mmm, strawberry, yummy.


“Feeling anxious huh?” She smiles and I nod my head. She hands me the ice cream cone and I start to eat away. Mmmm, this is so good. Not as good as the Ben and Jerry’s at home but it’s ok. We start to walk down the hall and we must look like a weird lookin pair. Well, I probably look weird. A pregnant woman walking around in a hospital gown, pulling an IV stand and eating an ice cream. Oh yeah, I just scream sexy kitten, don’t I? “I sort of know what you’re goin through. I haven’t had any kids, obviously, but I have a pretty big family, and I’ve seen at least ten births in my lifetime. The walking helps to kind of move things along I guess. I’ll just run for dear life if Buffy sees us.” I laugh and we walk by the large window where they have all of the babies out on display. Why do they do that? It’s like they just put them up for show or something? Yeah they’re cute and everyone loves babies, but they are people, how would you like to be stared and gawked at after a traumatic experience? But we stand there and watch them move around and the nurse feeds one of them. I see one little boy in the very back, he looks almost exactly like Mattie when he was first born. He was so...well funny looking is the right word. He was wrinkly and he only had a couple strands of hair, the rest of it was like this fuzz, kind of like the fuzz of a peach.


We sort of skipped over a lot of stuff huh? Ok, well since I’m having this really long moment of silence with Kennedy I might as well fill ya in on what’s been happenin in Shasta Lake. In the beginning of June Mattie was let out of school for summer vacation. We went on a camping trip in the middle of June. We only went for a weekend but it was fun. I taught Mattie and Buffy how to fish, that was something to see. Mattie did ok after about ten minutes of practice but Buffy just couldn’t get it down. She got frustrated and went back to the RV. Yes, we rented an RV, like I’m gonna sleep in a fucking tent when I’m pregnant. Anyway, July rolled around and we celebrated Mattie’s sixth birthday. We had the birthday party at this place called Kid’s Kingdom. It’s like this large outdoor wooden castle like thing that the kids run on and there are ladders to climb up and this one part that you walk under and if you step on the right piece of wood then water comes pouring down onto you. It’s really fun...for the kids I mean, it was fun for the kids. Kyle brought his niece who’s Mattie’s age, and a bunch of kids from his class showed up and there were other kids already there and they played together even though they weren’t part of the party. For his birthday me and B got him one of those small electric cars...what are they called? Power Wheels or something like that. It’s a red jeep, it’s pretty cool. I’m too big to fit in it otherwise I would.


Then August rolled around and Mattie started first grade on the twenty-fifth. He loves his class and likes going to school. Hopefully he’s still like that when he reaches junior high and high school. I really don’t want him to follow in my tracks and be a drop out. Then again, the circumstances were really different. I didn’t have a loving home with parents who are involved with his education and stuff like that. Me and B make sure that we participate in the parental events of the school. Like last month there was this Halloween carnival thing at the school, set up by the parents. We normally try to avoid doing things like that but we were suckered into it. Some parents set up some booths and gave away candy as prizes but B and me were in charge of the ‘haunted house’. I don’t think they’ll be askin us to do anything like that again. I think we went a little too far with it because most of the kids ended up crying, but whatever.


We’ve also made some more plans about the wedding. It’s going to be in the spring, sometime in May. Dawn is going to be the Maid of Honor and she’s really excited about it. Willow was only a tiny bit disappointed that she’s only one of the bride’s maids, but Buffy explained that it’s because what she and her mom had planned back in Sunnydale. Willow would never go against something like that she thinks it sweet that Buffy is doing what her mother would have wanted. So, it’s going to be in May and we already have this church picked out. I knew that we would have a hard time finding one because hello it’s a church and we’re a same sex couple, but it turns out that Buffy saved the people who run the church from a group of vampires so they owe her big time. She’s still talking with some of the people there about the details and what they’re supposed to say because it’s not like they can say ‘I now pronounce you husband and wife’. But she’s getting it worked out. I asked her if she wanted any help with it but she said that she has it all taken care of.


Xander’s my best man, but that’s sort of a given. I don’t have very many friends and I don’t really know Kyle well enough so it just made sense that Xander would get the spot. Kyle is an usher though. Kennedy refuses to wear a dress so she’s an usher too. And I guess that sort of works out for us. Buffy has Dawn, Willow and Katie, and I have Xander, Kyle and Kennedy. I’m already starting to work on my vows, we’ve decided to write our own. I know it’s going to take me two years to write them. That’s when we’re having the wedding. She wants Addison to be at least two so she can be a flower girl, and Mattie is going to be the ring bearer. He’s really excited because he gets to participate in the wedding. But we still have a lot of things to talk about. Like what’s going to be on the menu, what the cake is going to look like, I still need to find out what kind of suite I’m going to wear. I would wear a tux but I can’t stand bowties, so I’m going to wear a suite. I just don’t know what it’s going to look like. Buffy hasn’t even thought about the dress yet. She has a good mental image of what she wants but I think she’s going to have to go somewhere and get it custom made.


We’re holding off on our expenses right now. We’re budgeting a lot, which we’ve never really done before. Giles says that he’s going to pay for the entire thing and he doesn’t want us to worry about it or hold back on anything. He wants Buffy to have her perfect wedding and he doesn’t want anything to be compromised. She feels horrible because we’ve taken so much from him over the years and so now we’re only taking what we need and she hasn’t been on a shopping trip in a long time, which is good. Giles is going to fly out from Ohio, along with some of the slayers from the battle with the First and they’re invited so it won’t be a problem.


Anyway, Giles is going to give Buffy away. She tried contacting her dad but we have no idea where he is. We didn’t look very hard but she said that he stopped being her dad a long time ago. So Giles is giving her away because he’s more of a dad to her then her real father has been ever since he ran off with the secretary. Giles was there when Mattie was born, he came out to visit when we bought the house, and whenever there’s a big event in our lives he’s always there to share it with her, like a father should. She called him when we first found out that I was pregnant and she told him that the baby is hers and then she explained a little about the spell that Willow did. He told her to call as soon as I go into labor because he wants to be here. I don’t know if she’s called or not. I’m sure she has by now but it’ll take him a while to get here.


That’s pretty much it, not much else has been going on. I’ve been getting bigger, way bigger. My stomach is three times its normal size and I hate it. I had to buy a whole new wardrobe because I couldn’t fit into anything. I cannot wait until I get this kid out of me and I work out and get back into shape. The day I fit back into a pair of leather pants I gonna take Buffy out to that dance club and stay there all night, from opening until closing. And we’re going to dance with many different people, not just each other, she’s already agreed to it as long as we don’t get too grabby with the person we’re dancing with. Let’s see, what else is going on? Oh right, Giles is starting to talk to Buffy on the phone and over e-mails a lot more. She won’t tell me what they talk about, just that there’s nothing to worry about and she never looks me in the eye when she says it, so naturally I’m worried. I’ve overheard a couple of her conversations with him and from what I got from her half of it he’s trying to convince her to go to Ohio but she keeps refusing. She says she can’t leave because I’m gonna have a baby and she wouldn’t miss that for anything. But right now I’m startin to doubt the delivery is ever going to happen, this is taking so damn long.


“So, when are you and Red gonna settle down and have one? I mean, she has all this power, it should be pretty easy for one of you to get knocked up.” She doesn’t answer my question and I don’t wanna push the issue. Mainly because this ice cream is pretty damn distracting, and if she doesn’t wanna talk about it then I’m not gonna make her talk about it. I know that Kennedy wants kids, even if she won’t say it out loud, I’ve seen the way she looks at some of the little rugrats down at the playground, like she wishes one of ‘em were hers. We stop and sit down for a couple of minutes and I take a couple of deep breaths. I don’t feel any different though and this is really starting to piss me off. Why won’t she just be born? How come she won’t come out? All good things come in time, that’s what Buffy would say. She wasn’t in labor for this long though. Mattie came quick. I’ve been waiting for seven hours, and I’m feeling restless.


“We better get back, Buffy’s gonna freak if she finds you gone. She knows how much you hate hospitals, she’ll probably think you ran away or something.” Sounds like a good fuckin idea to me. I hate it here, I can’t wait until I get to leave. Hopefully everything will go perfectly and I’ll be able to leave in like, what, two days? I think Buffy had to stay for two days, but I’m not entirely sure. So we walk back to my room, I can tell Kennedy is trying not to smile because I can’t walk very well I…waddle. Shut up, it isn’t funny! We walk into the room and I climb back into the bed. I have no idea what hooks up to where so I just lay there. A nurse walks into the room and gets a little snippy because I went out for a walk but I don’t care. He, yes he there is such a thing as a male nurse. Anyway, he hooks the heart monitor back up and the thing that’s monitoring the baby. Then he checks me to see how far along I am. Apparently I dilated another half a centimeter. God, this is taking forever. I really wish things would just hurry up.


“Hey baby, how are you feeling?” Buffy asks as she walks back into the room. So I made it back just in the nick of time. I was afraid she’d walk in while that guy was still putting the heart monitor back on. I don’t say anything, I just let out a dry sarcastic laugh. She sits down on the bed next to me and holds my hand. I look into her hazel eyes that are so full of concern. I smile a little bit and bring my hand up and cup her cheek. I gently rub the smooth skin with my thumb. She’s so amazing, I don’t know how she got through this with Mattie. She told me that there’s really no way you can be prepared for it, that you just deal with it even if you don’t want to because it happens whether you’re ready for it or not. “I guess that was pretty dumb question, huh?” I nod my head yes but I don’t say anything. Suddenly I don’t really feel like talking. It’s not Buffy, it’s everybody in general. Even if me and Kennedy were still alone I’d probably be giving her the silent treatment too. Then I pull my hand away from her face. I feel this cramp in my stomach, it starts out a little slow, like it’s teasing me or something. Then it hits me all at once and I’m screaming and arching my back and digging my nails into the mattress of the bed. From just reading this it almost sounds like I’m describing something good, like a mind-blowing orgasm or something. But I’m not. I’m describing the most painful thing I’ve ever felt in my entire life.


“Oh my God! FUCK! SON OF A FUCKING BITCH! Make it stop, make it stop!” I scream at the top of my lungs. I feel people all around me, I can hear them moving around and hear them talking but I’m not paying attention to a damn thing they’re saying. My eyes are closed tight and I’m starting to strain, pushing I guess but I’m not sure. I just keep on screaming. I’m not saying anything because I can’t think to form words and there’s no way I can be quiet. My throat feels like the voice box is about to snap but I can’t stop screaming, and I can’t stop straining. The contraction goes away but I can feel that another one is close.


“She’s fully dilated, let’s get her to the delivery room.” Where the fuck have I been the entire time? Why didn’t they just keep me in a delivery room? Are they that fucking stupid? “Faith, honey.” I hate it when people I barely know call me a little pet name it pisses me off so fucking much. “Try not to push, ok? I know it hurts.” I highly fucking doubt that. “But you have to try and not to push.” Ok, ok, so I just won’t push. I can do that. OH MY GOD! Ow! Fuck! This one is worst then all of the others and I feel like I’m going to die. I can hear the heart monitor thingy going off the fucking charts. The way it’s beeping so fast you’d think I was havin a heart attack or something. I think I’d rather be havin one of those right now. Somehow I really don’t think it’s as painful. I see Willow out of the corner of my eye and I glare at her, there’s no other word for it, just an evil glare.


“You!” I yell and she looks a little surprised. “You fucking did this to me! What is it with you fucking witches and your damn magic? When I get out of here I’m gonna fucking kill you!” I don’t mean what I’m sayin, not really. I’m just really pissed off and in pain. Maybe later I’ll apologize, if I don’t pass out afterwards. This sucks. Finally they wheel me into the other room. Everything in it looks sterile, the lights are really fucking bright. All of the doctor’s and nurses are wearing those stupid facemask things, and the latex gloves. Do they think I have some fuckin disease? They’re not going to get pregnant by just touching me. Ok, Faith, stay calm. They just don’t want to get their disgusting germs all over your baby, that’s all. Another contraction, why? Why me? Why, why, why? I hear the doctor telling me to push. “Buffy, I can’t do this...I can’t. It’s too much, just make it stop...I can’t.” I’m squeezing her hand as hard as I can and she’s stroking my hair with her other hand.


“Yes you can Faith. You can do this. I know it hurts baby, it hurts real bad, but you can do this. Come on, baby, push.” So I push as hard as I can. I keep pushing and then contraction stops. I lie back on the bed and take in a couple of deep breaths. I’m drenched in sweat, I can feel it all over. I need to get a fucking shower, this is disgusting. I look over at Buffy, I can see the tears in her eyes. Why is she crying? I reach up and wipe one of them away. “That was good, you’re so beautiful.” Lying to make me feel better, I never knew she would do something like that. What? Again, but that was barely a break, not even two fucking minutes! I start to scream again and everyone in the room is yelling at me to push. So I start pushing as hard as I can, but it’s just too...oh my God! Ow, ow, ow! “Come on baby, keep pushing. You’re doing so good Faith. Just a little longer. That’s it, come on baby.” Oh my God her voice is so annoying right now.


“Shut up! Everyone just shut the fuck up! Stop fucking touching me! Get the fuck away from me!” They don’t move, they keep touching me but Buffy quiets down a little bit. She’s still talking to me though, telling me how beautiful I am and all that other shit. But I just focus on pushing, just keep pushing. Then the contraction stops. I can feel the baby, I think I can feel her. The doctor says something about seein the head and that it’ll take just one more push. I lay back and stare up at the ceiling. I try to catch my breath but it’s impossible. God, not again. “Fuck! Oh my fucking God!” This is so much worst then all of the others. The rest seem like a day at the beach compared to this. “Mother fucking son of a bitch! God dammit! Make it fuckin stop!” I focus, finally, and start to push as hard as I can. Everyone is telling me ‘just hold on Faith’ or ‘a little more Faith’. ‘That’s it Faith, keep pushing’. “Shut the fuck up!” Finally it’s over. I collapse back onto the bed and breath harder then I’ve ever breathed before. I hear the sounds of my daughter’s very first cries. Damn, she has a set of lungs on her.


“Congratulations, you got yourself a little girl.” No fucking shit, we already knew that. I look up and see that Buffy is wearing one of those ugly smock lookin things. They must’ve made her put it on or something. They didn’t make me when she gave birth to Mattie. Now that I’m thinking about it, they tried to make me but a human can’t really make a slayer do anything she doesn’t wanna do. I see Buffy, smiling with tears coming down her cheeks. She’s cutting the umbilical cord and looking so proud. I look at my baby, the little thing that I just pushed out of me. She’s so small, why did that hurt so damn bad if she’s so small? The doctors then take her away, over to the table so they can clean her up. I can’t see what’s going on because they’re backs are facing me. Buffy walks over to the bedside and takes my hand. I look into her eyes and she’s saying something but I can’t hear her. Now that I’m really paying attention I can’t hear anything. What the fuck is going on? Why is my vision getting all blurry? Why can’t I breathe? Why is everything getting so dark? What’s happening to me?


BPOV


I’ve been waiting for what seems like forever. And finally the line starts to move. I need to pay for this and then eat it quickly so I can get back up to Faith’s room. I need something to eat, I haven’t had anything since breakfast and my stomach is getting a little rumbley. Faith is doing good, I think. It’s been seven hours since her last contraction, which is normal. Technically she’s been in labor for almost nine hours since her water broke back at the house, she was having contraction after contraction for a little over an hour and then it just stopped and now all she can do is just lay in bed, which like I said is perfectly normal, but it’s still going to drive me insane. I was in labor with Matthew for only four hours, I think, I’m not sure exactly. But his birth was quick, very painful, but quick. I don’t know how much longer this is going to take and I really wanna know. I hate being so helpless, it drives me to the brink of insanity. So I pay for the food and sit down at the table where Willow is. She came down here with me because I don’t want to be alone right now. She doesn’t want to eat anything, she says that hospitals make her kind of queasy. But I have to eat something, even if it is just to keep my mind busy.


“I’m sure it’ll happen soon. I mean, she’s already seven and a half centimeters dilated, whatever that means, and the doctor said that the active labor won’t start until she’s eight so it’s gonna happen soon.” Willow obviously doesn’t know that it can take hours just for that half a centimeter. The average hours of labor for a first time mother is thirteen hours, hopefully Faith will be above average and give birth when I get back up there. I really don’t want to miss it, but she told me to go get something to eat. I think she wants to be alone right now. She hasn’t been very talkative and she won’t let anyone but me touch her, and even then it’s just her head and arms. I tried to rub her stomach and she pulled away. I understand though, I didn’t really want to be touched when I was in labor either. She’s emotional, this is a very emotional thing so she can’t be faulted for anything that she does.


“I just hope so. I hate hospitals almost as much as she does.” I’m afraid that if this takes too long then she’ll leave. I know that after she woke up from her coma she just left. Well, she beat up a woman and stole her clothes, but she didn’t try to find any help. Then again she wasn’t exactly very mentally healthy back then, and she was wanted by the Sunnydale police and us Scoobies so I understand why getting out of dodge would be her first instinct. Ok, time to stop thinking about bad times. This is a happy day, my daughter is going to join the world today. From now on only happy thoughts, I won’t allow myself to get all worried like I usually do. I think everyone knows by now that I like my control, I like to be in control of things and I trust Faith enough to let her have that control...sometimes. But this...we have no control over this and I want to scream. Willow seems to pick up on the anxiousness, that’s one thing that I love about her. And when I say love I don’t mean love love, I mean the love someone has for their best friend. She reaches across the table and rests her hands over mine.


“Yeah, don’t worry about that.” Why does she almost always seem to know what I’m thinking? Is she using her witchy powers or is it the fact that we’ve been friends for…how many years? Hold on, I need to do the math here. Let’s see I was sixteen when I met her…I’m thirty-one now…so that’s? Fifteen years? Yeah, something like that. Maybe not exactly fifteen because of the whole running away thing, and I didn’t show up at the beginning of the school year and I was dead for that couple of months but that’s still a really long now that I’m thinking about it. I mean, if Willow hadn’t done that spell to call all of the slayers I’d probably be dead right now…again. Faith would be dead because slayers never used to live passed their early twenties. It was just impossible because of all the slaying.


But I can’t help but wonder if maybe that isn’t exactly right. I mean, I guess I am, or was whatever, the best slayer because I had friends tying me to this world, more then just the cause and the need to hunt motivating me to stay alive. So if I were still only one of the chosen two, I wonder what things would be like. What would I look like? I mean, slaying all by myself for almost sixteen years, imagine the wear and tear. I can’t think about that now though because I have no much more that I need to be thinking about. “We have Kennedy playing watch dog, so she’s not going anywhere. Besides, you two are all connected because of the slayerness so you’ll feel if she left the building, right?” She asks but she knows she’s right. I nod my head and take another bite of my yogurt.


“Yeah, yeah, you’re right. I’d feel it. And she wouldn’t leave anyway because she wouldn’t put the baby in danger.” We still haven’t told anyone about the name. We’re going to wait for her to be born first. We don’t know why, that’s just what we want to do. I can’t wait to take her home. I can’t wait to hold my little baby girl for the first time. Look into those tired little eyes, smell her breath when she’s only minutes old. I know that sounds a little weird, but the breath of a newborn before they’ve had anything to eat, it’s so pure…like you can smell their soul. Ok, now I know I sound like a freak, but I don’t care. I just can’t wait for her to get here. I can’t wait to show her to Matthew for the first time, to watch her sleep, her little muscles twitching around and her erratic breathing. The little snorts of a newborn is just so cute. I can’t wait to pamper Faith the way she pampered me. Breakfast in bed every morning, extra cuddles and kisses at night, helping her hold the baby as she breast-feeds, even if that one is only very temporary. Faith has made it loud and clear that she isn’t going to breast-feed for very long, only until the colostrum is all eaten up, which is about six weeks or so, I’m not entirely sure.


I can’t wait to sit in the nursery and rock her to sleep for the first time. Oh, I haven’t told you about the new nursery. After we found out we are having a girl we completely redecorated it. The walls are a pretty light yellow color, the crib is a light blush pink, the toy box and bookshelf are both white, the rocking chair that we bought is white with light blue cushions, the dresser is a nice a light tanish colored oak wood, and the changing table is about the same color only it’s made out of pine wood. There are teddy bears and other stuffed animals all over the room. We don’t have any books on the shelves yet so they’re packed down with toys. The sheet for the mattress in the crib is pink with little yellow ducks, we have a bunch of baby blankets but I think the one that we’re going to be using mostly is a light green fleece blanket, it’s really, really soft and will keep her warm, and that’s important because the winters here get really cold and she’s being born in November which isn’t very good, I don’t think. We’ll have to work extra hard at keeping her healthy until she gets enough immunities to fight off a cold or something.


We redecorated Matthew’s room a little bit too because we didn’t want him to feel left out. We helped him rearrange the furniture, and re-shelve all the books. I swear that kid is going to be as enthusiastic as Giles when it comes to books. But that’s good, we want our kids to like reading and schoolwork, it’ll make the fights to actually do the work a lot less tough. If those kids are anything like me when it comes to that sort of stuff then I might as well ground them to their rooms now and get it over with. I’m afraid of what it’s going to be like when they’re teenagers. Sure Matthew’s easy, he’s really active but that’s just normal. He does what we tell him and he doesn’t get into a lot of trouble, except when he accidentally breaks my lamps. But what’ll we do if he hits fifteen and rebels against us? Faith has made it very clear that she’s going to be more the ‘father figure’ but she can only go so far. He’s going to need a man around that’ll give him a good example to follow. I hope he comes around to liking Xander because if Dawn and Kyle ever break up then we’re screwed. Ok, I really need to stop with this kind of thinking. I’m not going to ruin this day by thinking about things that might not even happen. Faith is having my baby...just the thought alone causes goosebumps to go up and down my arms.


“So is Dawnie going to watch Matt until you two take the baby home?” It is a good question. What are we going to do about that? Faith needs to stay in the hospital for a couple of days to recover a little and I definitely don’t want to leave her side. But should I go home instead? I have no idea. Maybe Matthew could just stay at Dawn’s house. He loves it over there and it would ease my anxiety a little. Leaving Faith alone in a hospital isn’t such a good idea. She won’t leave while she’s pregnant but there’s no telling what she’ll be like after she gives birth. She may want to leave right away and I may have to use my slayer strength to hold her down on the bed


“I think so. She’d said she’d watch him for me as long as we need. She has a key to the house so if she needs to stop by and get some clothes and stuff she can. I’ll call her in a bit.” I sound distant and Willow looks a little worried. She understands that most of it is just the anxiousness of waiting but there’s something else. I feel worried for a different reason, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe it’s just because I hate hospitals. I hated them when I was little because of my cousin but I got over that after I killed that demon that was targeting little kids. But when my mom got sick…I really hate hospitals, probably more then Faith. I take the last bite of yogurt and then throw the container and plastic spoon away. I walk back over to the table and Willow stands up and we walk out of the cafeteria. I really want to get back up to Faith’s room. Kennedy promised to come down here and get us if anything happened but it’s Kennedy, she can be a little…forgetful. We make our way up to the room but we walk a little slow. I can tell that Willow is sending out some calming energy using her magic to reach out to me and help settle my nerves, and I gotta admit that it’s working. “Thank you.” I tell her as we walk up to the room. The last thing Faith needs is me being paranoid about nothing. She smiles at me a little ‘you’re welcome’ smile and we walk into the room.


“Hey baby, how are you feeling?” She doesn’t say anything as she looks over at me. She just gives out this dry sarcastic laugh. This ‘how the fuck do you think I’m feeling?’ kind of laugh. I frown for half a second. I need to be understanding, she’s going through something really big, so she gets a free pass on the bitchiness and rude comments and stuff today and for the next couple of weeks, but when she starts feeling better I’m going to start getting onto her about it like I usually do. Don’t get me wrong, I love Faith’s ‘you can’t hold me down or tell me what to do’ type of personality, but sometimes it gets a little irritating. Like when you’re trying to be nice and all you get is a dry laugh. But I keep my mouth shut about it. I sit down next to her and take her hand. She’s being really quiet and I’m really concerned. I was expecting a bitchy, talkative Faith. Not a ‘I’m going to suffer in silence’ Faith. She smiles a little, one of those small ‘don’t worry, everything is fine’ smiles and she cups my cheek with her free hand and gently caresses me with her thumb. God she’s so amazing. Here is she, in labor with my baby and she’s still making sure I feel ok. I love her so much. “I guess that was a pretty dumb question, huh?” She nods her head yes but she doesn’t say anything. I hate that she isn’t talking to me.


Then she gets this weird look on her face, kind of like she’s listening really hard for something. Her eyes have a little fear in them. She pulls away from me and I furrow my eyebrows a little bit. What’s going with her? I really wish she’d talk to me. Then she screams, a near ear shattering scream. Kennedy and Willow jump up out of the chair they were sitting in and so do I. She’s gripping onto the mattress so hard that the sheets are ripping. She’s screaming bloody murder and arching her back. Sweat is dripping off of her forehead as she continues to scream. I try to calm her down, to get her to look at me but I don’t think she can hear me. A couple of nurses run into the room to check on her. I’m starting to panic because this contraction, hopefully it is a contraction, is lasting longer then the rest. Can her body really take that? I’m feeling helpless again and it isn’t a nice feeling at all. And then the cussing starts.


“Oh my God! FUCK! SON OF A FUCKING BITCH! Make it stop, make it stop!” Oh yeah, she’ll be fine. As soon as she gets this baby out of her she’ll be ok. I really do want to make it stop, I want to help ease the pain but she has to go through it. Then she starts pushing. No, no she can’t push yet. This is only the little waiting room that they keep the moms in until they go into active labor. She can’t have the baby here. I tell her that, I tell her to try and hold out, I tell her to stop pushing but she can’t hear me over her screams. God, I never knew she could scream so loud for so long. And then her muscles start to relax and she collapses onto the bed again. I’m right there, waiting for her, trying to calm her down as she tries to catch her breath.


“You did good Faith, that was so great, but you can’t push, not yet, we need to get you to the delivery room first. Don’t push, ok baby?” She either can’t hear me or she’s ignoring me. I look over as the doctor checks on her…area. I don’t like the fact that three people who aren’t me have lifted up those blankets and looked at her down there. That’s for me and me only. Even when it’s a doctor or nurse I’m jealous. I have issues, I know that now. The doctor tells us that she’s fully dilated and we need to get her to a delivery room. I can see Faith’s confusion and I try to comfort her but again she’s either ignoring me or she doesn’t hear me. The doctor tells her not to push as she’s wheeled out of the room and down the hall. I’m jogging to keep up and holding onto her hand but she’s staring up at the ceiling. Then she looks over to her right and sees Willow and Kennedy watching. She gets a very pissed off look on her face and I’m a little worried.


“You!” she yells and we’re all a little surprised. “You fucking did this to me! What is it with you fucking witches and your damn magic? When I get out of here I’m gonna fucking kill you!” I have to hide my smile, I don’t want her to start yelling at me next. We all understand her reasoning. I would be pissed off at Willow to if she were the witch that had cast that spell on me. When you’re in this much pain you don’t really care who you yell at, you just want to find some type of outlet. I send Willow an apologetic smile as I turn the corner to go into the room. A nurse stops me and they continue to wheel Faith away from me. She better step away from me before I show her what a slayer can really do. She holds up a stupid smock looking thing, ya know, one of those really ugly greenish ones? She tells me that I have to put it on if I want to be in the room. So I do because I just want to see my baby being born, I want to help Faith through it.


But then she says that I have to put on those stupid latex gloves and I sigh heavily and I’m about to put them on but then Faith has another contraction and starts screaming her head off. I push the nurse out of my way and run to her side. I hold onto her hand and almost have to bite my lips to keep from yelling out myself. I think I just felt something snap. The doctor is telling her to push and I can tell she’s trying but she wants to give up. I want to speak but the pain in my hand is keeping me quiet. It’ll go numb in a second and then my slayer healing with take effect. I love having super powers. “Buffy, I can’t do this...I can’t. It’s too much, just make it stop...I can’t.” She’s squeezing my hand as hard as she can and I’m stroking her hair with my other hand, trying to comfort her.


“Yes you can Faith. You can do this. I know it hurts baby, it hurts real bad, but you can do this. Come on, baby, push.” She starts pushing as hard as she can. Her face is turning really red and even though she’s sweating everywhere and her hair is matted and she’s screaming her lungs out I can’t help but think she is the most beautiful creature on the planet. She’s just so amazing. I love her so damn much. I can’t help but have one of those ‘in the moment flashbacks’. Ya know, when you see something like this and it reminds you of something else so remember that moment? If you’re still confused oh well, I’ll just get on with the memory. What I’m thinking of right now is the first time I ever actually said the words ‘I love you’ to her. Well, I said it before when I confessed it to her on the bus ride to Angel’s after the big collapse of Sunnydale, but I hadn’t said it since. We had a nighttime picnic on the roof of our apartment building. Trust me the irony was not lost on me.


Anyway, we were sitting on the blanket that we had spread out on the cold concrete. The basket was off to the side because we had finished the food. I was sitting in between her legs, my back was up against her chest and she had her arms around me and we were staring up at the stars. Very cheesy I know. She gave my neck a little kiss and I giggled because it tickled a little. I turned in her arms so I could see her face, the moonlight was reflecting off of them and they looked so beautiful. I knew right then that I’d never be able to love anyone as much as I love her. I place a small kiss on her lips and then pulled back so I could see her eyes and I said it, I told her ‘I love you’. She didn’t say it back right away, she thought about it for a minute or two and then she looked into my eyes and said it back only instead of saying ‘I love you too’ like anyone else would have said she put her own little twist to it and said ‘I’ll always love you, ‘til the end of forever.’ Faith is actually quite girly once you get to know her. She has a girly side and I’m the only one that gets to see it. I pulled her into a searing kiss and we had a quickie up there on that roof, but it was so much more then that. That was the night I realized that Faith is the only one for me, and that thought didn’t scare me, or make me wanna run or any other negative thing. It made me so happy, made me feel like I have some greater purpose then just being a slayer. And now, here we are, years later and she’s giving birth to our second child.


The contraction stops and she rests on the bed again. She looks over at me and gets this worried look on her face because I have tears in my eyes. Can she be any sweeter? She’s in labor and she’s worried about me. She’s the best woman in the world and I can’t wait to marry her. She reaches up and wipes one of my tears away because they’re running down my cheeks now. But these are very happy tears, the happiest tears to ever exist. I look into her deep brown eyes and I feel myself falling in love with her all over again. I didn’t think I was going to get this emotional. Maybe this is the reason why two women aren’t supposed to make babies together. “That was good, you’re so beautiful.” She gives this little sarcastic ‘yeah right’ smile. I know she doesn’t feel like it right now but she is beautiful. And then her face contorts back into that painful one again and she starts screaming. Everyone starts yelling at her to push and I can tell that she’s getting irritated. She’s pushing as hard as she can, and then her jaw falls open and she looks like she’s about to give up. “Come on baby, keep pushing. You’re doing so good Faith. Just a little longer. That’s it, come on baby.” She lets out a very irritated growl and I brace myself for whatever she’s about to say and I keep in mind that she’s in pain so she doesn’t really mean it.


“Shut up! Everyone just shut the fuck up! Stop fucking touching me! Get the fuck away from me!” She grips onto my hand and I know she wants me to keep touching her but she wants the doctors and nurses to go away. I don’t blame her. But I don’t talk as much. If she’s going to do this then she needs to concentrate, and she can’t concentrate if she’s really irritated. But I can’t help myself. I keep telling her how beautiful she is and how much I love her. I can tell that she’s ignoring me, and she focuses on trying to push our baby girl out of her. And then the contraction ends and she’s lying on her back and looking up at the ceiling. The doctor says that he can see the head and if Faith didn’t have a death grip on my hand I’d go down there and take a look myself. I wipe some of the sweat off of her forehead before it drips down into her eyes. You have no idea how much I love this woman. And then her eyes roll a little and she braces herself. Another one already? That was hardly a break. Oh! This must be like the last one or something. I get really excited to the point where I almost squeal. Our baby girl is almost here!


“Fuck! Oh my fucking God!” She takes a breath and the yelling keeps on coming, but she’s not really trying to push. She needs to focus if she’s going to get this over with, but I keep my comments to myself or else she might rip my arm off. “Mother fucking son of a bitch! God dammit! Make it fuckin stop!” Everyone in the room is talking to her, telling her to just push a little harder, to hold on for a couple more seconds, that it’s almost over. Not me though. I’m whispering to her, telling her how beautiful she is and how much she means to me, how much I love her. I give her ear a little kiss but I don’t think she felt it, it was one of those barely there whisper kisses. She makes a death glare at everyone around her, except me and then yells, “Shut the fuck up!” And then the baby comes out, and the doctor is holding her in his hands. She collapses onto the bed and starts breathing really hard but she can’t quite catch her breath. And then our baby starts crying, these loud erratic wails and it’s the best sound I’ve ever heard in my life.


“Congratulations, you got yourself a little girl,” the doctor tells her. It seems they keep forgetting that we’re a couple, but whatever. I’m not going to let them ruin this for me, for us. I look at my little girl. She’s so tiny probably five pounds, maybe six. She’s bald headed. Faith isn’t going to be happy about that. I’m smiling like an idiot and I have tears constantly rolling down my cheeks. I walk up to the little screaming baby, she has her eyes closed and her fists are clenched tight. God she’s so…beautiful. I’ve been using that word a lot but it’s true. The doctor hands me the little scissor things and I cut the umbilical cord and I gently rub her little head. But then they take her away to get her cleaned up and do the tests that doctors do on newborn babies. I walk over to the bed and Faith is staring at the backs of all the people as they poke and prod at our daughter. But I’m not too worried, they’ve been doing this for a long time, they won’t hurt her even if leaving her with them goes against both my maternal my slayer instincts. I take her by the hand and she looks into my eyes.


“You were perfect, Faith. You did such a great job. She’s so beautiful. I love you so much, baby.” Her eyebrows scrunch up and she looks at me with this confused look like I’m not speaking English or something. What the hell? “Faith, what’s the matter?” She’s starting to panic but I don’t know why. Her breathing is still really hard and it’s only getting heavier and shallower. Her eyes get really wide and she’s blinking a lot, like she’s trying to clear up some haze or something. The heart monitor thing starts beeping really loudly and her eyes roll into the back of her head and she stops breathing. Oh my God, what’s wrong with her? “Faith, Faith! Can you hear me? Faith! Open your eyes, baby, Faith.” A nurse pushes me out of the way and checks her pulse. She looks up at the machine again and starts barking out orders.


“She’s going into cardiac arrest!” yells and a couple other nurses come over and start to help her. She gives Faith CPR but she’s not responding. What the hell is happening? I think I’m in shock or something because I’m just standing here, not moving not saying anything. I look over when I hear my baby crying and she’s being taken out of the room. What the fuck is going on? Where are they taking her? Why isn’t Faith waking up? “Ma’am, you’re going to need to leave the room.” Someone tells me but I just look passed her. I look at Faith, she has something over her mouth and someone is squeezing a bag looking thing, I think it’s to keep her breathing. I remember when they did that to my mom. Oh God, no. Not Faith too. Please, please, please let her be ok. I feel someone put their arm over my shoulder and they lead me out of the room. All I can do is follow and watch with wide eyes as someone rips open Faith’s gown and they use those paddles on her chest to try and shock her heart back into beating.


Why is this happening? This isn’t supposed to happen, this is supposed to be a happy day. I blink a couple of times when the door closes and I can’t see Faith anymore. I look around and I’m standing in the hall, how did I get out here? I look over and see Willow is the one with her arm around me. She’s hugging me now, no, wait, she’s not hugging me. She’s trying to hold me back because I’m fighting as hard as I can to get back into the room with Faith, but she’s using her magic and I can’t fight that. I feel my legs give out and I fall to the floor. The last thing I see before I pass out is Willow’s big green eyes looking scared and worried.


FPOV


I open my eyes and I’m surrounded by white. This isn’t a room there are no walls or a ceiling or anything, just white nothingness and even though the vibe is really calming I can’t help but worry. I know this isn’t exactly real. I know that it’s a dream or an out of body experience or whatever. I’m not allowing myself to fall into the peaceful calm of this place is because it might be fake. Some demon could have brought me here in hopes of killing me or whatever. And I know this isn’t real because five feet in front of me is a large bowl sitting on top of a stand and I can hear sounds coming out of it. The volume is low but the voices are frantic and something about it just doesn’t sound right. I walk closer and look down into the liquid that is displaying the images like a TV show or something. I scrunch my eyebrows. This isn’t right, no, this isn’t right at all. I’m starting to panic but I can’t look away.


Everything is in slow motion, that’s why the voices and noises from the machines sound so weird. It’s all in slow-mo. You probably wanna know what I’m seein, huh? Alright, get your panties out of the fucking twist, I’ll tell ya. I see me. Well, my body I guess would be the more accurate description since I’m standing right here. A couple of doctors and a bunch of nurses are all runnin around like chickens with their heads cut off. They’re tryin to wake me up, but I can’t because I’m here. Only I don’t know exactly where ‘here’ is. I take another look around. Nope, nothing’s changed. It’s still the endless white and I swear I can hear some soft music playin in the background. Ok, this is fuckin creepy. Demons, vampires, PMSing women, and dirty diapers I can handle. Not this, I need something real to fight. If I’m gonna get ot of here and back to the land of the awake so I can hold my brand new baby and look into the beautiful hazel eyes of my lover then I need to find whatever brought me here and figure out how to kill it. If it is an evil being, anyways. I’m starting to doubt it. Only something very good and pure of heart could pick out music that’s this sappy sounding.


Wait, I see something. It looks kinda like a big bubble, and it reminds me of that scene in ‘The Wizard of Oz’ when Glenda the good witch shows up to talk to Dorothy. Great, so not only am I in an endless white nonexistence and watching total strangers poke and prod at my body but I’m going to have a one on one with an overly cheerful witch who wears WAY too much pink and carries around a wand. If I died and this is the passageway to heaven then I wanna be at the gateway to Hell. But maybe this it isn’t going to be the fictional witch. Please, God, don’t let it be a spirit guide who’s gonna take me back to different moments from my past and lecture me on what I could have done different! I REALLY don’t’ need the Christmas Carol moment right now.


The bubbles stops moving about seven feet in front of me and it turns into the golden glowing light. It takes the shape of a door about six feet tall and four feet wide. Am I supposed to go in there? Am I really dead? Will I never get to know my daughter, see my children grow up, and grow old with Buffy? I don’t wanna die! I’m not ready yet! I haven’t had my happy ending! This is just fucked up. I’ve reformed, I’m not psychotic, I have a happy family, my fiancé, my beautiful kids…I have things to live for now! The lights is taking on a different shape sort of. It’s changing into a doorway so now it’s not a solid rectangle. It must be a portal or something. What? Sometimes I pay attention when we’re supposed to be researching the evil. I really hope I don’t have to go in there. I feel a little relief when I see someone start to walk out. Oh my fucking God! Is that who I think it is? What the fuck is going on?


“Hello Faith, it’s been years, how have you been?” She walks out as if it’s nothing, as if we’re bumped into each other at the grocery store or something. I can’t look at her anymore, it’s just too much. I look back into the bowl, things are even slower now and it’s silent. She walks up and stands beside me. I glance at her through the corner of my eye. She’s wearing a long white gown, her hair is in those soft curls that I remember her havin. She looks good, I gotta admit it. I can’t wait to tell Buffy about this, she’s gonna freak. “I guess this is a bit of a shock. So, let’s just get on with the explanation, shall we?” I look up at her, into those soft smiling eyes that I used to envy because I knew they would never look at me the way I wanted them to. She reaches her arms out towards me and I allow myself to be pulled into a hug. Only this time I don’t pull away, not like the last time we hugged. “How is everyone doing down there?” We pull away at the same time and I can’t help but feel calm. There’s just something about her that feels so…safe, like you can trust her no matter what. She just has that ‘mom’ vibe.


“They’re good.” I don’t know what to say, this is just so…I never expected that this would ever happen. “Happy, I guess.” I look down at my stomach, it’s flat, the muscles are tight like they used to be before I got pregnant. I smile a very happy smile that just keeps on growin. She smiles back and I put my hands over my belly. “I had a baby today. Buffy’s baby, a little girl. She looks so damn small, I can’t believe it hurt so damn bad.” She laughs a little and looks down at the bowl. I follow her eyes and now instead of seeing my body and the doctors trying to wake me up, I see the nursery with all of the little babies in the little plastic basinet things. In the middle of all the babies is a little girl, wrapped up in a pink blanket and a little identity bracelet on her wrist. She’s moving around a little, her legs are sticking straight up in the air and she’s kicking them around. I smile and read the nametag on the basinet: Addison K. Lehane. That’s my little girl, being strange, just like her mother. I feel a wave of sadness wash over me and I look over where she’s standing, watching my little baby. “Am I dead? Did I die in there?” She looks up at me with that worried mom face. She looks into my eyes and I can tell that she’s trying to figure out how to word it. She decides on something, I guess and then takes a breath.


“Yes.” Ok, if I’m dead then why do I feel so dizzy? I guess I’m not going to see my daughter at all then, huh? I feel like I’m gonna fall and as I go to sit down I feel something under me. I look down, where the hell did the chair come from? I take a couple of deep breaths, which is fuckin weird. If I’m dead then why do I need to breathe? Another chair appears and she sits down next to me and rests her hands on my knees. I look up at her and into those smiling eyes. Why is she smiling? I’m dead and she’s smiling? I knew she never really liked me. So much for having Joyce’s blessing, I guess I wouldn’t be able to marry Buffy even if I were still alive. “Don’t worry dear, it isn’t permanent. I just wanted to talk to you.” What? So she kills me because she wants to talk to me? This is getting weirder by the minute. I can’t help but feel…relieved. So I am going to get to do all of the things that I wanna do. Good, that’s good, but what does she want to talk to me about? Five bucks says she’s gonna tell me not to marry her daughter. She looks back into the bowl and I do too. I see Buffy, lying on a hospital bed with Willow and Kennedy at her side. She must’ve passed out or something. God, I hope she’s ok.


“She’ll be fine, dear.” Ok, that was creepy. “No I can’t read minds, I could feel the worry coming off of you. You’re both going to be ok. Time moves differently here so I can tell you everything I want to say and you won’t suffer any damage. They’ll revive you and you’ll be as good as new. Well, sort of. I can’t work miracles. You’ll still have to recover from giving birth.” She smiles wider and then looks into the bowl and it’s the image of my baby again. I can’t really get a good look at her but I can tell from here that she has my nose and lips. “She’s gorgeous, you two did great. Now, getting down to business. I need to clear up a few things before I can give you my blessing on this wedding I’ve heard so much about.” How did she hear about it? “Don’t look so surprised, it’s the talk of the…spirit world, I guess you could call it.” She smiles and I can’t help but smile back. I can’t help but feel like I’m about to be interrogated. This must be our version of taking the girlfriend home to meet the parents. I really hope I don’t say anything that’ll put me in the bad category. I look back into the bowl, the longer I can avoid this talk the better. I see my daughter, being fed by the nurse and she’s falling asleep. I reach out to touch the liquid but it changes, morphs into something else. I look away, I really don’t wanna look at that. That person in the bowl isn’t me anymore, she’s trash, she’s everything that I hate and something that I refuse to become again.


“It’s ok Faith, don’t worry too much about it. I know you’ve changed. I’ve watched you over the years, I knew you could get better, all you needed was a little love.” I look into her eyes and I can feel the tears building up in mine. Why is she being so nice to me? I’ve tried to kill her, her daughter, I said horrible things to her, told her she might as well be dead. I don’t understand. Why is she being so nice? “Faith, it’s ok. I’ve forgiven you. I’ve seen how much you’ve changed. You’re nothing like that girl you used to be. We all made mistakes Faith. I think now that if I had just asked you to stay with us, if I had somehow gotten you out of that dirty motel room then maybe some of things that happened would have turned out differently. But let’s not look back on the what ifs, it’ll drive us both insane.” She laughs but I don’t. I give her a little smile but I don’t think it’s funny. “You make my daughter very happy, Faith. You’ve been able to give her a life that I’ve wished for her to have. She has a loving partner who cares deeply for her, and two beautiful children for her to love and teach. The fact that she’s madly in love with another woman doesn’t mean a thing to me. It did at first, but I got over it.” We both smile and she wraps an arm around my shoulders and pulls me a little closer to her in that motherly way. She hasn’t changed a bit.


“I’m sorry,” I whisper and look up at her face. She opens her mouth to say something but I cut her off. I need to get this out, even if she already knows, I need to say it to give myself a little peace. “I was so fu-messed up.” That was close. I don’t wanna say anything bad in front of her, it just wouldn’t be right, ya know? “I thought I had no one, I guess at the time I didn’t. I never meant for things to go like that. I just- I’m sorry.” She hugs me again and gives me a small smile. Now that I’ve said it I feel like I can breathe a little easier. Which again, if I’m dead why do I need to breathe? “But you said it yourself, I’ve changed. I’m better now, I’m happy. I never thought I’d ever be this happy.” I look back into the bowl and there are other things on display now. Parts of my past that I’d rather Joyce not see, but she’s going to see them so I might as well be quiet about it. She’s watching the beatings, the constant hell of my life in Boston. Then it flashes forward to Sunnydale. She watches as the images focus mostly on me when we’d meet at the library and how my face would drop a little bit when I wasn’t really included in the group. I always felt like an outsider but I don’t blame them for it. I could have made an effort instead of just telling them that it was fine.


“And there’s that little grandson of mine.” Joyce’s voice was so full of joy when she saw the image of Mattie, first a tiny baby being cradled in Buffy’s arms as she rocked him to sleep, then when he was a little one-year-old trying to stick a marble up his nose, then again at his second birthday party and I brought in the dog crate that had Tucker inside of it. He got so excited. He was running around the house telling everyone that he got a dog. Joyce laughs a little and then the pool shifts to a different image, of a not so happy time. I look away but the sound is back so I can hear everything that’s being said. The hurtful words in that hateful tone, the slamming of doors and then Mattie screaming because I had left and no one knew if I would be back. I didn’t want to leave like that, I didn’t want it to be in front of him, for it to be so full of anger, but Buffy wanted me out and she didn’t want me to wait until he was sleeping.


“You love her?” she asks me and I look at her with a ‘what are you insane?’ sort of look and she smiles. I nod my head yes and she sighs. This whole thing is just so insane, I’m having a very hard time wrapping my mind around it. I’m dead, and I’m sitting here talking with Buffy’s mom, and I can still breathe. I thought you didn’t have to breathe when you’re dead? Oh well, I don’t want to think about it anymore because I’m getting a headache. See, that’s another thing, how can I get a headache if I’m dead? I shake my head a little, trying to calm the annoying thoughts down. She smiles at me again and looks into my eyes. “And you’ve been faithful to her?” I nod my head yes without any hesitation. I’ve never cheated on Buffy and I never will. That’s not something that I’m capable of doing, I think I’d rather kill myself then cheat on her. Then Joyce gets serious and she moves around in the chair a little so that she’s facing me. She takes me by my hand and looks deeply into my eyes. “And even if you’d never marry her you would still want to be with her for the rest of your life?” I don’t need to think about it because I already know the answer.


“Yes. I can’t imagine my life without her.” I look back into the bowl and see images that I don’t remember because I wasn’t there. Ones of Buffy and Mattie fighting because I’m gone and he wants me to come home but Buffy doesn’t want me back. We were so unhappy then and I can’t remember why. “Even when we weren’t together I still wanted her in my life. I was gone for three months, I think, maybe a little more, and we were mad at each other but I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to not see her at all. She worked it out so that Xander would pick Mattie up and drop him off at the house but sometimes he couldn’t make it so I’d drive over to pick him up. Just looking at her made my heart hurt because she didn’t want me back. But I never even thought about being with someone else, ever. I just couldn’t do that to her. I love her too much to even think about being with someone else.” I have to stop because I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know what else I can say to express what I’m feeling, but Joyce gets it, she always understands. I seem to have said the right thing because she’s smiling really wide now. We look over to the bowl and see Buffy, sitting up in a hospital bed and freaking out because the doctors still haven’t come out to talk to anyone about me. Everything is in really slow motion, slower then before, I guess Joyce is taking longer then she thought she would and is buying me some more time.


“Well, then I guess my mind is made up.” I really hope that’s a good thing, judging by her smile I’d say it is, but you never know. “You have my blessing, dear. There’s no one I’d rather see my daughter marry then the…well I don’t know exactly what to call you considering you ‘fathered’ Matthew and gave birth to Addison. Other half, that’s it, there’s no one else I’d rather see her marry then the other half of her children. But let me warn you Faith.” Is she going to threaten me? That would explain a lot, at least now I know here Dawn gets it from. “It’s not always going to be easy, you know that first hand. Two slayers getting married is a big deal. There are things out there, not just the anti-same sex marriage people, but supernatural things too, that don’t want to see you two get married. I’m not saying this to scare you, but keep your eyes open, ok dear?” I nod my head yes and she gives me another hug. I hug her back and then she whispers into my ear, “Go see your new baby and give Buffy a hug for me.” I pull back to look at her face but then everything fades away, slow at first but then I’m staring at darkness and that calm feeling is gone and I’m trying as hard as I can to breathe but I can’t. I start to cough and it feels like something is being pulled out of my throat. I can hear people talking but I don’t know what they’re saying. I can feel them touching me and I fight against it. What the fuck is going on?


“I don’t think she was out long enough but order a head CT and chest x-rays. I want to know what caused the episode. Someone get her to recovery, I’ll go talk to her family.” That sounds like my doctor. God, he’s an asshole, the way he’s talking to the nurses. No wonder nobody in this damn hospital likes him. I feel myself being lifted up and placed on a bed. Now I’m being wheeled away. The nurses are talking but I’m not paying attention. I’m just so tired. I can remember everything that happened with Joyce, ever word she said, ever look she gave me…. I was dead. I was fucking dead. God this is so weird. I need to see Buffy. I need her right now. Where are they taking me? I open my eyes and it’s bright, really fucking bright. I close my eyes and wince. I bring a hand up and rub my eyelids.


“Don’t worry, dear, we’ll put you in a quiet room and we’ll dim the lights. You really had us worried there.” The nurse doesn’t sound like any of the others that helped me earlier, but then again I was too busy cussing at them to really pay attention to the sounds of their voices. I can see through my eyelids that the room they just wheeled me in isn’t as bright. I slowly open them and look around. It’s nice and quiet in here. God, I never knew dying could give a person such a headache. Ha, the jokes are going to be coming nonstop pretty soon, and I know it’s going to make Buffy mad because she doesn’t take dying very lightly. But she can’t be mad at me because I didn’t only die but I gave birth to her child. Nope, she can’t be mad at me. “You just sit tight, and I’ll bring in that little baby of yours, ok?” She asks and I nod my head yes. I like this nurse. She’s really nice. She reminds me of the nurse that worked in the office at the school I went to in second grade. “It might be a while, I think they’re still running some tests on her. There’s nothing to worry about, it’s just standard procedure. Well, I’ll see you in about an hour to check up on you, ok?” I nod my head and she leaves the room and closes the door behind her. Ok, where’s Buffy? She didn’t say anything about me seeing Buffy and that’s something that needs to happen and very soon or else I might go inside. I need to give her that hug Joyce asked me to give her before I forget to do it. I’m about to stand up and go look for her when the door flies open and in runs Buffy. She jumps on the bed and wraps her arms around me and starts bawling her eyes out. Jeez, that must’ve really scared her. I wonder what the doctor told her.


“Shh, baby, it’s ok.” As much as I want to comfort her, I really just wanna go to sleep. I’m tired, and sore and I have a headache that’s only getting worst. She says something like ‘no it’s not ok’ but I’m not sure because she’s crying too hard to understand. I rub her back and make a soft shushing sound. “Yes it is. I’m fine. I’m not going anywhere. Could you go find a nurse and tell her to bring in that perfect little baby that I squeezed outta me?” She holds onto me tighter and I tighten my grip too. As much as I want her off of me because I’m sore everywhere I can’t just leave her like this, I can’t make her get off me. She clams down after a couple of minutes and gives me a sloppy kiss on the lips. She gives me a small smile and then crawls off of the bed and sits in the chair next to it. Now I can breathe, she’s not heavy but having her lay right no top of me like that was making me feel a little boxed in. “Baby, why don’t you go ask a nurse to bring us our little baby?” She nods her head and smiles a little and I reach over and gently wipe the tears away with my thumb. She leans in and gives me a little kiss on the lips and then gets up and leaves the room. I sigh and stare up at the ceiling. Wow, what a day. Just this morning I was eating strawberry ice cream out of the container, then I go through the most painful thing I’ve ever gone through and then I died and had a conversation with Buffy’s mom. If I haven’t been a slayer for as long as I have then I’d probably categorize this as a ‘very strange’ day.


“Look who I have,” I say Buffy say very softly as she walks back into the room. I look over at her and smile wide. Cradled in her arms, wrapped in a big pink blanket is our little girl. I sit up as much as I can in the bed. I rest my back against the pillows and watch as she walks closer to me. She sits down in the plastic chair and looks down at the little baby cradled in her arms. Seriously, why did it hurt so bad if she’s so fucking small? I look down at the sleeping baby and I smile really wide. I reach out and Buffy carefully hands her to me. I gently cradle her in my arms and hold her close to my body. She moves around a little bit, her eyebrows furrow and her lips twitch a little. I smile and start to breathe. When did I stop? Her breathing is very uneven, and she’s snorting a little bit. She doesn’t have any hair at all, not even the soft peach fuzz that Mattie had, I smile at that. We gotta bald headed baby. She yawns really wide and when she closes her mouth the tip of her tongue is sticking out between her lips. I softly caress her face and her lips twitch some more. I look over at Buffy, she has tears in her eyes and now that I’m thinking about it so do I. She reaches over and wipes them away before they can fall from my face. I clear my throat. I need to tell her what happened when I died. I’m never going to get used to saying that.


“After I gave birth.” I look down at our baby again and smile before I look up at Buffy. She gets up and sits on the edge of the bed so she can have a better look at the little girl in my arms. “I died, Buffy.” She looks into my eyes and tears are forming in hers again. “It happened for a reason, it wasn’t just some freak accident. I don’t know where I went but it was calm, and really bright.” I pause and smile. She’s not as tense anymore but I can tell that she wants me to be quiet and not talk about this now, but I need to or I might forget. “You might not believe me, but I saw your mom.” She stops breathing so I stop talking. I reach out with my hand and cup her cheek with it. She leans into my touch. I need to finish saying this because I can feel my eyelids getting heavy. “She said that she needed to talk to me. She wants us to know that we have her blessing. She’s ok with our lives together. She just wants you to be happy. She said that she’s happy that you’re marrying me and she’s glad that I’m the one you’re in love with.” She starts to cry and I comfort her the best I can but it’s kind of hard when you’re holding a newborn. She composes herself and takes in a deep breath.


“I called Dawn, she’s going to bring Matthew here so he can meet his sister.” She smiles and looks down at Addison and starts to rub her head. “They’ll be here in a couple of minutes. Matthew’s going to spend the night at Dawn’s and I’m staying here tonight. I left your bag in the car so tomorrow I’ll run home and get you some clothes. I should probably go see if the car is there, but that can wait.” She leans in and kisses me softly on the lips. I kiss her back but it ends pretty quick. Addison starts to move around a little more, and she’s getting a little fussy. Her breathing is harder and she’s making this little whiney noise. “She’s probably getting hungry. I think she knows she’s with her mommy. And she knows that being with her mommy means food.” She smiles and laughs a little but I don’t think it’s funny. Buffy didn’t breast-feed for very long and I’m not going to either, just until the colostrum is gone and that usually takes about six weeks and then it’s formula for this kid. “I’ll help you,” she tells me and carefully pulls down the flimsy hospital gown. I think my body is very well aware of the fact that I’m holding a hungry baby and I’m dripping the yellowish stuff, that’s so fucking gross. She gently cups the bottom of my sore breast and uses her other hand to guide the baby’s mouth to my nipple, and then Addison clamps down.


“Oh my God.” You have no idea how much this fucking hurts. This kid’s mouth is in like a death lock or something. “Her jaws are a like Pit Bull.” Then I remember the line from a movie that I watched with Kennedy not so long ago. “Can you lock your jaws and shake like a Pit Bull?” I sound like I’m mocking her but I’m not. Buffy watches her, which I think is really weird, and she’s gently rubbing her on the head again. Then she looks into my eyes and smiles at me. She leans down and gives me a kiss on the lips. We pull apart when we hear the door open. Dawn and Mattie walk into the room, Kyle stops dead in the doorway. His face goes pale and it looks like he’s having a hard time breathing. Typical guy, can’t stand the sight of a woman breast-feeding. Hell, I couldn’t until after living with Buffy and having to watch her do it with Mattie. “You ok Kyle?” He nods his head yes and doesn’t even notice the teasing sound in my voice.


“I’m just gonna go…” there’s a long pause before he speaks again. “Away.” And he leaves. Dawn rolls her eyes and gives her ‘eww’ face. Not at the fact that I’m breast-feeding, but because Buffy is still cupping my boob. She finally notices that and pulls her hand away. Mattie jumps out of Dawn’s arms and runs over to Buffy and climbs into her lap. He gives her a big hug and then turns around in her arms and stares at the baby. He has this strange look on his face, like he just can’t believe what is going on. I smile at him and prepare myself for the million questions that I know he’s going to ask.


“Why is she doing that?” I laugh a little bit but then stop when I hear Addison snort again and she clamps down a little harder. I wince and Mattie looks up at me for a few seconds and then looks back down at her. “Mommy, why is she doing that?” Sure he asks Buffy. I guess Dawn told him that I’d be tired and moody for a while and now he wants to give me my space, which I’m grateful for but I’m not that tired. I can still answer a few simple questions.


“That’s how babies eat, sweetheart. She’s drinking up the milk that’s in your mama.” Mattie’s eyebrows furrow a little and he watches her a little more intensely. Dawn still hasn’t said a word and it’s starting to freak me out a little. Dawn is never quiet, why is she being so damn quiet?


“Nah-uh. Babies drink from bottles and milk doesn’t come from humans it comes from cows and we buy it at the store.” That’s my boy, bringing in that old fashion logic and reason. Buffy laughs a little bit and runs her fingers through his hair. I smile too and look down at Addy, yes I already have a nickname for her. I started calling Matthew Mattie when he was two weeks old. But I’ve known for years that if I ever had a girl her first name would be Addison and I’d call her Addy.


“Babies drink from their mommies too. You drank from me but not for very long. Mama’s going to do the same. Addison will only drink from her for a couple of weeks. That’s her name, Matthew. Addison Kristine Lehane, but I think we’re going to call her Addy.” I smile and reach out with my free hand and run a finger down Mattie’s face and then gently pat Addy over the butt. Mattie used to fall asleep when I did that to him when he was a baby. I think she’s asleep now too. She isn’t sucking on me anymore but her mouth is still clamped over my nipple. I gently pull her little body away from me and when her mouth is pulled away off my nipple there’s this little ‘pop’ sound and I can’t help but smile. I look over at Mattie and he covers his eyes with both of his hands and shakes his head from side to side.


“Mama, there’s kids in the room, put that away.” I laugh a little and give Buffy this ‘help me out here’ look. She reaches over and pulls the gown up so I’m not exposed anymore. He slowly lowers his hands and gets this relieved look on his face. “That’s better.” I smile at him and carefully scoot over a little bit. Buffy seems to understand what I’m doing and she puts Mattie on the bed next to me. We want him to feel comfortable around Addy. He’s going to learn that he can’t touch her roughly because it’ll hurt her but gentle touches are fine. He looks down at her for a few seconds and then she opens her eyes. They’re gray, how the hell are they gray? Wait, I remember the doctor sayin something about this. Sometimes babies are born with blue or gray eyes but the melanin in their systems will turn them brown, or something like that. Besides, Buffy told me what the little girl in her dream looked like and if it’s anything to go on then Addison’s eyes are going to be brown. Mattie leans down a little bit and he starts to whisper to her. “Hi Addison, I’m your brother. My name’s Matthew.” He goes quiet and they just look at each other for the longest time. I look over and Dawn’s gone. That’s weird, when did she leave? I look over at Buffy when I see her move. She gets up and sits down on the bed next to Mattie and gives me a kiss on the temple. We look at our kids and we both smile. We’re the perfect family. Well, almost…I guess it just depends on your meaning of perfect. But to me, it’s perfect. I wouldn’t change a thing.


BPOV


I cannot believe we’re parents, again. This is all so surreal. I keep thinking that it’s a dream and any moment I’m going to wake up and be in my bed. When she first told me that it was my mom who killed her so that Faith could talk to her…well, I didn’t really believe her. I mean, for all I know they could have put her on some type of pain medication that caused her to hallucinate. But when I saw the look in her eyes and heard the conviction in her voice, I knew it was true. So, we have my mother’s blessing on our wedding. It feels like this huge weight has been lifted off of me and now I don’t feel guilty at all. I just wish that I could talk to her, just see my mom and speak to her one last time. Ok, time to get my mind off of depressing issues.


“Yeah, we’re on the sixth floor, room 314.” I say into the phone and then listen as the person talks. I smile at what they’re saying and wait for them to finish. “Ok, that sounds great. I’ll see you in a little bit.” We hang up at the same time and I make by way to Faith’s room. What? I’m not going to tell you who was on the phone, it’s a surprise. Anyway, I walk into her room and close the door. She’s holding the baby again. She’s been doing that a lot since last night. The nurses keep trying to take her away to do some more tests but we won’t let them. We only give her back when she needs her diaper changed, but we want to spend as much time with her as possible. I know we should get the tests done because they’ll tell us if there’s anything wrong with her, and we really need to get this one test done, I don’t remember what it’s called but the nurses test the babies’ temperament and then tell the parents if they have an easy baby or a difficult baby and what’s the best way to comfort them and get them to stop crying.


“Hey beautiful,” I whisper as I walk further into the room. Faith looks up at me and smiles softly and then looks down at the baby again. Addison, little Addison Kristine Lehane. I still can’t believe that all of this is real. I sit down on the bed next to Faith and give her a kiss on the temple and then the cheek before I lean down and give Addison a kiss on the forehead. She frowns and moves around a little bit. She’s just so tiny, five pounds and seven ounces and she’s nineteen inches long. That’s really tiny. And she’s just the cutest little thing ever. She has Faith’s nose and her lips, but my ears and my chin and thin face. And she’s completely bald, I still think that’s kind of funny. “She’s so beautiful. You did such a good job, Faith. I love you so much.” I smile at her and she smiles right back. I give her a kiss on the lips and it lingers for a few seconds. Then a nurse walks into the room and decides that now is the time that they need to take her away for the testing. I’m a little worried, my slayer and maternal instincts are telling me to protect my baby and keep everyone away from her, Faith and me, but I know it needs to be done. So I gently pick the little bundle of joy up and put her down in the plastic basinet thingy and the nurse wheels her out of the room.


“I’m so fucking tired. I could sleep for weeks.” I smile at her and give her another kiss on the lips. Unfortunately for her she’s going to be up every two hours or so to feed Addison. We moved the basinet into our bedroom on Faith’s side of the bed and neither of us is going to be getting a lot of sleep. I’m still worried about how Matthew is going to react to all of this. He seems really excited about being a big brother and taking her home but he just doesn’t understand that things are going to be very different. We won’t be able to spend as much time with him and we’re going to be really tired and probably a little snippy. I just hope he doesn’t get too jealous. According to my mother I reacted…badly to Dawn at first. Not only that little incident you all saw with me not wanting to hold her but for the next couple of months I acted out and demanded attention that they couldn’t give me because they were busy taking care of Dawn. I just hope he doesn’t act as badly as I did. “I can’t wait to go home. When do we get to leave?” When do we get to leave? Well, I can leave anytime I want, but Faith and the baby have to stay here for a couple days.


“Well, I think you get to leave tomorrow, but Addison needs to stay here for a couple more days to get all of the testing and stuff done. Now, when you get released tomorrow do you want Dawn to keep Matthew for another day. I know you’re going to be really tired, so it’s up to you.” She thinks about it for a couple of minutes. I know that she’s conflicted. She doesn’t want Matthew to feel pushed off to the side by the new baby but she really should have at least one day of peaceful rest. She leans into me and I wrap an arm around her shoulders. Her breasts are so sore that she almost cries when she feeds the baby. I feel so bad for her. I didn’t get that bad when I was breast-feeding Matthew, so I have no idea what she’s going through right now. She opens her eyes and looks over at me, she looks so tired. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her look so exhausted.


“One day of peace sounds perfect, but I don’t wanna leave her alone. I’m not leaving until she leaves.” Aw, there’s her good ol’ maternal instincts kicking in. She was really protective of Matthew when he was a baby, she was extremely cautious of strangers even the clerks down at the grocery store that we shop at every week. And because she gave birth to Addison those instincts are going to be so much stronger. Or maybe not, I’m not one hundred percent positive. But I can tell you that she is going to be protective. “Have you had anything to eat today?” I nod my head yes but I’m lying. I’ve been lying in bed with her mostly, and then I took a couple of bathroom breaks and then the phone call. It’s...two in the afternoon and I should get something to eat but I don’t want to leave her side. I’m protective too ya know. “Liar. Go get something to eat, I’m not going anywhere. I maybe have given birth but I’m still a slayer, I can defend myself if I need to.” She smiles and leans up and kisses me on the lips. I don’t want to leave her alone. Aw, and it looks like I won’t have to. “Hey Kennedy.” The younger slayer walks into the room and says her hellos. I give her this look like ‘protect her or you die very bloody’. She nods her head a little bit and I look back to Faith.


“Food sounds of the good. I’ll be back in a little bit ok?” She nods her head yes and I give her another kiss. I don’t want to leave her but she wants me to get something to eat so I’m going to go walk around the halls for a few minutes and then come back and say that I had something to eat. I’m not very hungry right now and I don’t want to leave her for very long. I walk out of the room and spot someone at the nurses station. I can’t believe they’re here already. I just talked to them like what, five minutes ago? I run up and him and wrap my arms around him and give him a big hug. He does the same to me and then we pull apart. “I’m so glad you’re here. You won’t believe how beautiful she is, and Faith was amazing. I wish you could have been here to see it.” He smiles at me and I smile back.


“Well that sounds good in theory but I don’t think Faith would have appreciated my being in the room at the time. You remember how she acted w hen you gave birth to Matthew don’t you?” I laugh a little at that. Faith was so overprotective when I was giving birth. She didn’t let anyone but the doctor and three nurses in the room because she didn’t want to have to hurt anymore people then that if something went wrong. I smile up at him, he always makes me feel safe. After the battle with the First we all took some time off and we rebuilt our relationships big time. I mean, they all betrayed me, kicked me out of my own damn house even if I was acting crazy I had still been right, but now things are good. I just wish I can see him more. Unfortunately I getting my wish, but not the way I wanted it to come true. “Have you talked to Faith about the mission you’re going on?” I sigh heavily but I don’t answer him. “Buffy.” Great, now he’s in disappointed watcher mode. “You need to tell her and quickly. You’ll be leaving in a month and I know that seems like a long time now but if you don’t deal with this as quickly as possible then it’ll sneak up on you. You know I hate this as much as you do, leaving Faith with a newborn and your son, but it has to be done. I need one of you to help me defuse the situation and it would be best if Faith stays behind.” I sigh again only this time it’s angrier then the other.


“I still don’t understand why you can’t take Kennedy. Even before she became a slayer she was good with the combat stuff, I put her in charge of training the girls and she did a good job.” I can tell he’s not really listening. He’s already made up his mind and he needs me but I still don’t like it. “And if you take Kennedy then Willow can go with her and help out with the magic stuff. I can’t just leave Faith alone, Giles, I can’t. She just had our baby, she’s going to need me here.” I’m trying to keep my voice low, I really am but this is hard. I don’t want to leave Faith but Giles needs my help. Apparently the girls at the facility in Ohio are starting to get a little unruly and Giles thinks that a visit from one of the original slayers will help get them back in line. Ya know, show ‘em who’s boss, and how even though they have the power they won’t have what it takes to be a slayer unless they train.


“I’ve already spoken with Willow this morning, she’s going as well. I’ve yet to talk with Xander but I think a visit from the original scoobies will do the girls some good. Because unless something changes and soon then both you and Faith will have to go back to active duty and I really don’t think she’ll be too happy about that.” Damn, I hate it when he’s right. If those girls don’t straighten out and soon then me and Faith are going to have to move to Cleveland to defend the hellmouth there. I may get sick of the people in this town but this is our home. We can’t just up and leave because a hellmouth needs protecting. We can’t have some junior slayers watch our kids whenever there’s a big problem. Faith and I agreed that slaying is still going to be a part of our lives because we’re slayers, we can’t ignore it, and we do go patrolling at least four nights a week to get it out of our systems, but we’re not going to let it control us. “You’ll only be gone for two months. I just need to you stick around for a while, and show them what it really means to be a slayer. They look up to you and Faith, you are the equivalent to a celebrity at that facility. It’ll do them a lot of good if you were to come and stay, teach them what it means to be a slayer. I can only do so much as a watcher.” I sigh and fight back the tears. I hate this so much. “Now, we agreed that it would be easier for Faith if she stays behind, and I have some of my best people in charge so if you need me to stick around until it’s time to leave then I will, but I really need you there for a little while.” I turn the sadness of leaving into anger. Those girls need guidance, well they’re going to get it. They’ve had their fun, when I get there I’m going to crack the whip on them, figuratively, and they are going to show me respect, or they’ll end up face first in the dirt, and that is not a figure of speech.


“Fine, I’ll go. But if you expect me to be nice to them then you need to get your head checked.” My voice is pretty stern and I can feel the slayer start to take over. I take a deep breath and try to calm down. I suppress all my anger enough to the point where I can fake happiness. I make my voice sound pleasant but he knows I’m still in a bad mood. “They already took Addison off to get some tests done, I don’t know how long that’s going to take, but Faith is awake. She’ll be happy to see you.” I sound more distance then I wanted but he understands that this is hard for me. He’s asking a lot and he knows that I’m not going to show those girls any slack. Right now he’s being cautious because he knows that if he were to ask any more from me I’d probably snap, and the last thing anyone needs right now is a rogue slayer. I lead him down the hall and into Faith’s room. She’s glad that he came but she’s trying to play the part of the ‘badass slayer’ and she isn’t showing her excitement. She is showing her concern because even though I’m acting like nothing is wrong she can tell that something just isn’t right. “It’s ok, baby, I’m just a little tired.” That’s what I tell her but she knows I’m lying and it hurts me so bad to do it but she just gave birth her body isn’t strong enough for me to unload that kind of information on her right now. I’m afraid that she could have heart failure again or something. I just don’t know what to do.


“Ok, Mom, here’s your little girl back.” The nurse says as she wheels the cart back into the room. Addison is crying, she must be hungry. She wheels the little basinet thing up to the side of the bed and I carefully pick up our crying girl. The nurse smiles and I give little Addy a kiss on the nose before I hand her to Faith. “We did all of the standard tests and we didn’t find anything wrong. We did the temperament testing on her like you requested and if she gets fussy and she isn’t hungry and doesn’t need to be changed then rock her and sing to her a little and she seems to calm down quicker if you rub her tummy while you sing.” Singing, I don’t think Faith sang to Matthew, I did, but Faith wouldn’t. “We want to keep her overnight for observation and if everything goes fine then she’ll be ready to take home tomorrow.” Good, that’s very good. The soon we get home the sooner I can tell Faith that I’m going to be leaving. Oh God, I just realized, this is November, I’m going to be gone for two months, I’m going to miss Christmas and New Years. This SUCKS! Oh, those girls are going to wish they never acted up.


“God, Faith, that’s so gross.” Kennedy says from her chair on the other side of the bed. Faith is feeding Addison now and apparently Kennedy doesn’t like what she’s seeing. “Doesn’t that hurt? It looks like it hurts.” Right, something you should know about Kennedy, she’s as curious about the world around her as a five-year-old. She asks a million questions about everything, and she says it’s because she wants to be well informed, but I think it’s just because she wants to annoy us. I watch and barely listen as they carry on a conversation. I can’t help but be a little depressed. I have to leave this, all of this. My family, my new little baby, I might even miss Kennedy. And what really hurts is I’m lying to Faith. Every time she’s asked me what’s wrong, every time I got off the phone with Giles and she asked me who was on the phone and I tell her Willow. She isn’t stupid, she knows I’m talking to Giles, but I don’t want her to worry.


“I can’t wait to go home tomorrow. One night of sleep in my own bed is all I want.” Faith says and smiles. She knows as much as everyone in the room that she isn’t going to get a full night’s sleep. Nope, she’s going to be up almost every two hours to feed the little baby nestled in her arms right now. I lean over and give Faith a kiss on the temple. I love her so much, I don’t want to leave, but if I don’t then our lives might change forever in a very bad way. I don’t want to move to Cleveland permanently, so to keep that from happening I have to leave for two months and teach those little snobs what it’s like to be a real slayer. “Buffy, what’s wrong?” Oh God, she sounds so concerned. I can’t do this anymore I have to come clean with her. But not here, not now. She’s so happy and I can’t be the one to ruin that.


“Nothing baby, I’m just tired. I need to go get something to eat, I ran into Giles on my way to the cafeteria. But I’ll be back soon.” I give her a kiss on the lips and then lean down and kiss our baby on the head before I get up and leave the room. I’m scum, I don’t deserve any of this right now. She may not want to tell me things, but she’s never flat out lied to my face before. I’m betraying her trust, and her trust isn’t easily won. If this is for her own good then why do I feel like such an ass right now?