Irony

*

“Um, can we lose the chains maybe?” I asked, stomping on that part of me that felt like demanding and ordering and quite frankly growling. I’d earned the right to growl, but I didn’t think any of these people were ready for me to be growly Xander. Of course that didn’t change my desire to bite both of them when Giles and Buffy traded wary looks.

“Guys, this is me, the Xan-man. And the Xan-man is getting chafed wrists here, so maybe a little less with the deep meaningful looks and a little more with the keys.” I watched Angel’s hand close around Spike’s forearm, and again with the need to growl. I hadn’t needed this much self-restraint since Buffy wore that polka-dotted bikini with the little spaghetti straps that weekend in eleventh grade.

“I’ll get the keys,” Giles finally said with a deep sigh, and I swear if they didn’t hate each other so much I would say Giles and Angel would be the perfect pair. They could sit around trying to out-sigh each other and complain about how the people in their lives weren’t perfect. Of course that would definitely not be of the good in Queen C’s eyes since she was already staking her claim on Angel. If he didn’t watch it, he was going to end up the world’s first henpecked vampire, and it couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. However, if Angel didn’t get his hand off Spike, Angel was going to be a henpecked pile of dust.

After rattling around in the kitchen, Giles came out with a large key, and I turned around to let him get the chains off.

“We thought you were all possessed… again.” Willow offered apologetically.

“As opposed to possessed still,” Buffy said, and that sounded a lot less apologetic than pissy.

“I know I should have…” I started.

“Not telling us was immature and utterly unforgivable,” Giles interrupted as he took the chains over to the heavy weapons chest, dropping them to one side. What? Did he think he was going to need them again? The trust and love in the room was underwhelming.

“I wouldn’t go as far as…”

“I just don’t know why you thought you had to hide it. We would have understood, right?” And Willow’s teary words still had the power to cut me to the innermost part of my soul. I swear, you’d think that inheriting a badass alpha predator would be some protection from Willow-tears, but no. I opened my mouth to explain myself when Giles cut me off.

“And just how serious is this problem now?”

“He has a good deal of control.” Angel said.

“Primals are notoriously dangerous.”

“He hasn’t shown signs of dangerously aggressive behavior.” Angel said to Giles at the same time Willow turned her power of pout onto me.

“Xander, did you think you couldn’t trust us?” Willow asked, and I was starting to feel like the tennis ball in the middle of the court.

“Hey, standing right here, people. It’d be nice if people actually talked to me instead of discussing me,” I snapped at Angel and Giles. I sort of ignored Willow since I was angry enough that everything I said came out with an edge of snarl, and I would never be able to recover from the guilt of snarling at Willow. She was Willow, snapping at her was like mooning a nun, which was entirely of the wrong. Well, not as wrong as Angel’s eating of nuns, but oh look, everyone was looking at me and I was wandering off into mental babble land.

“Look, I didn’t know the hyena was still there at first. I thought I was just having some vivid memories of what people smelled like through a hyena’s nose.” I settled down on the second couch. Angel had already sat at the end with Spike sort of perched on the arm, and yeah I didn’t miss those two making with the united front. So much for Spike being over his sire. I took a deep breath before continuing, conveniently leaving out the part where people smell a little like meat.

“When I finally decided that I still had the actual hyena-hyena instead of just the hyena memories…”

“I thought you didn’t remember anything from being a hyena?” Buffy challenged me, and I shot Giles a ‘save me’ look. Yep, heavy sigh, cleaning of glasses, and Giles to the rescue.

“Yes, well Xander and I discussed his discomfort with both his behavior and your reactions to him after the hyena was *supposedly* out of him. I agreed to keep his secret and allow him to prevaricate on the issue.”

“So you lied?” Buffy turned to me with this big hurty shocked kind of expression, which was so much harder to deal with than the pissy expression.

I shifted a little, uncomfortable and starting to feel the kind of sweat that not even Rightguard could battle, not that I was actually wearing any. “Um, I thought Giles just covered that, or did I get the meaning of prevaricate wrong? I’m kinda guessing from the context it means being on the ‘so not’ side of honest. Besides, I didn’t want you guys being all weirded out around me because of the things I did that were kinda weird-worthy.”

“And that certainly does sound like our Xander with his ability to massacre the English language,” Giles said dryly as he stood and went for the cabinet where he kept the good liquor.

“About soddin’ time for the good stuff,” Spike said, and Giles just ignored him as he poured himself a shot. The man did have practice at ignoring Spike, but a little tiny piece of me whispered that Giles didn’t have practice dealing with a Spike on a significantly longer leash. The whole Giles turning his back made that clear. When Giles didn’t react to Spike's comment, Spike continued, “You could bloody share that, watcher.”

“I could, yes. But I chose not to.” Giles returned to lean against the wall with his drink, and I really had no idea what to do to make things go back the way they were supposed to be. Giles was looking too tired to even clean his glasses, Willow was giving me these big watery anime eyes, Tara wasn’t looking at me at all, Buffy was glaring at me while throwing in a side of frown at Angel. Spike was obsessed with that fraying cuff, and Angel just sat like a statue. A broody statue.

Oh yeah, this was comfortable. I squirmed a little in my seat. Spike exploded into motion as he sprang up and headed for the kitchen, and I didn’t blame him at all. I’d run for another room too, except I suspected everybody would just follow me. I could hear him pawing through the refrigerator looking for either blood or bizarre English snack foods.

“Can we just get over things that happened years ago, please?” I turned pleading eyes first to the girls and then Giles.

“And why you never thought to tell us, Angel, I will never understand.” Giles complained as he turned to Angel. Oh yeah, my little plea had worked real well. Hey, things *were* getting back to normal what with the me being ignored part of the evening.

“It was his business. He wasn’t losing himself to the primal spirit,” Angel said evenly. Giles made a sound between a snort and a cough.

“And I supposed you fancy yourself as an expert on such matters?”

“Guys, hey! You couldn’t do anything anyway,” I interrupted before the Giles versus Angel thing overtook the Me versus Everyone thing, and yeah, in hindsight I should have just let Angel take the bashing and slunk away on my belly like a good little beta male. I think the hyena made me more stupid than usual, and considering my starting point, that was not a comforting thought. Giles was now glaring at me, so I stumbled on. “You and Willow said that it was a good thing that crazy painted guy took the spirits since it took a human host to draw it out. What were we going to do… pick some schmuck off the street and put the primal in him?”

“We could have found another way.” Willow’s little hurt voice so didn’t make things better.

“Willow, I didn’t want you guys to worry. And besides, it’s helped me out from time to time.”

“Well, we’ll just have to try and lure it out now. Perhaps we can use some sort of avatar to lure the spirit out and into some sort of vessel.” Giles had his resolve voice and Willow’s features settled into her resolve face, and Tara gave me a small smile and boy did I feel like a jerk for yanking that rug out from under them.

“It’s a little too late for the whole lure plan,” I interjected, and Giles turned weary eyes my way.

“Xander?” he asked slowly, drawing my name out into about five syllables, and I really hated it when he did that. Hated it like when I was six and my mother would scream my full name down the street when I forgot to put my toys away. Having the whole block know what a lame middle name I had? Not of the good.

“Um.. we merged?” I said uncertainly, the Zeppo instincts and the hyena instincts at direct odds on how to handle this. But truth be told I’d been a loser a lot longer than I’d been a primal, so Zeppo instincts won. I cringed a little as I waited for the reaction.

“How could you,” Giles exploded, his hand slamming his drink down so hard on the nearby shelf that the liquid slopped over the sides and the picture of his on-again, off-again lady friend fell down face first with a crunch.

“It was merge or die since at the time all these white coats were trying to figure out how to torture me into going primal,” I yelled right back. Yeah, that got surprised looks all round, and it suddenly occurred to me that I don’t ever stand up to Giles. Not until now. Even Spike appeared in the kitchen doorway, mug in hand and with an expression of amused anticipation. Yeah, well, dream on Bleach boy, because I’m not starting a knock-down drag out fight with Giles.

“What I can’t figure out is how they knew you had this primal spirit at all,” Buffy pointed out, brow crinkled. She looks so cute when she’s thinking hard that I almost had to forgive her for the whole hair-pulling, hand-cuffing thing. Almost.

“They didn’t. Riley sent them after Spike, and when the soldiers attacked, they noticed that I wasn’t entirely human.” I so wasn’t going to tell them exactly how they noticed, and what had triggered my hyena to emerge. I sneaked a glance over at Spike, who sipped his blood and kept quiet, and was he trying to look innocent? Honestly, that was a slightly creepy expression.

“Okay, that’s enough with the anti-Riley brigade. He is the man *I* chose and I’m tired of you tearing him down.” Buffy glowered and took a threatening step forward, and I stood before I even realized my brain was sending my legs the signals. My brain often didn’t communicate well with the rest of me, but usually the miscommunication involved number 2 pencils and bubble sheets. This was a first for the body and the brain actually not communicating at all, and I clamped down on the instincts that suggested things like eliminating the female who had brought the enemy into the pack. Yep, even I could spot that one as hyena logic. Go me.

“I’m not tearing him down," I said through clenched teeth as I tried to separate the hyena desire to attack from my own healthy anger at being totally ignored. I hadn't torn Riley down. Trust me, when I tear Riley down, people notice. I had just stated facts, and I needed to stay calm before someone got hurt, like me. I took a deep breath and continued even though Buffy had her armed crossed with that 'don't fuck with me' expression. "He actually put himself on the line to get us out of there, or rather me since he was all ‘woo hoo’ about them killing Spike." Deep breath, the mate is fine, don't growl. "But the fact is that he’s been turning in reports. *He* told them where to find Spike. *He* told them that Willow and Tara were witches. *He* told them about the coven retreat thingy.”

“And we’re supposed to believe you?” Buffy didn’t mean that; I know she didn’t. Buffy has this really big pseudo-Cordelia inner bitch that sometimes snaps out these horrible things that she never, ever means. We’ve even sat in a big Scoobie pile on Willow’s bed watching bad foreign films and talking about Buffy’s past as a Cordy clone. She always said she felt guilty over her lapses into Cordy-level insults. But damn, that still hurt.

“Yeah, Buff, actually you are. See, I’m not the one who believed some imposter who obviously said stuff that made you believe I was some sort of uber-jerk, and I’m not the one who left you to get cut up and electrocuted and injected and drugged by people claiming to be doctors, and I’m not even the one who tells your secrets to a government that obviously has some major issues. So, I guess I thought I had earned your trust." I left off the 'I'd earned it more than the guy you chose' even though I was thinking it loud enough for everyone to hear it if they listened.

I heard Willow gasp, and I watched as Buffy’s face collapsed in on itself, the anger transformed to pain and regret in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, I just couldn’t bring myself to play my usual part and make with the big joke that would smooth over all the rough edges. It wasn’t just the hyena that was hurting.

“Riley said you *killed* someone,” Buffy said quietly, and suddenly I understood the pain and the anger. I didn’t appreciate her attitude, but I understood.

“I did, Buffy. At least two that I know of, maybe three. I was defending myself from people who attacked me and hurt me and wanted me dead.” I tried to keep my voice calm, but even I could hear as my voice wavered between anger and pain. "I was defending myself and I was defending Spike, who in case you haven't noticed is one of us with the helping slay and the making of bad jokes." Out of the corner of my eye I caught Spike's movement as he put his mug down quickly and looked at me with wide blue eyes. Yep, I still want you, so you can go to your damn sire and when he kicks you to the curb you can know that you picked him over me. Yeah, too bad I was too big a wuss to say that out loud. I bit my lip to distract one pain with another.

The whole room froze, and I felt the urge to either flee or attack rise up so strongly that the room washed out into now-familiar sepia tones. Buffy gasped and stepped back towards Willow and Tara who moved closer to each other. Right, not one of them any more. Not pack. Message sent and received. I turned around and headed for the door.

“Xander.” Ironically it was Angel who called out my name and managed to sound almost concerned. I stopped at the doorway, but honestly, I was just too pathetic to turn around and look at those faces. If I was about to lose just about everything I had ever loved in the world, I didn’t want to see it. I paused for a moment with my hand on the door and then I opened it and walked out into the night.

“You soddin’ worthless pieces of…” I heard Spike start in, but I didn’t feel like sticking around for him either. He had his sire, and I was finished with playing bottom-boy also-ran. I started running as I let the predator instinct rise up and guide my steps as I chose my hunting ground.