Mangled Spells and Manly Bits

“Honey, I’m home,” Xander tried for funny as he walked in the library door, his feet scratched and his sweats…well, sweaty.

“This is unexpected,” Oz said from the table as Xander made his appearance. Buffy was a little more enthusiastic.

“Xander, oh thank god, I can’t wait until Willow finds out; she’s going to be thrilled.”

“She’s not here?” Xander tried for nonchalant, but Oz’s sudden intense gaze told him he’d failed miserably.

“No, she and Giles went out to get some supplies,” Buffy said.

“And you didn’t go with?” Xander turned to Oz.

“Not invited,” Oz confirmed. The sound of voices from the hallway led Xander to turn as Giles, Faith and Willow walked in. His eyes narrowed in suspicion as Faith, still bruised and limping appeared with the two people who knew how to use magic. Okay, sorta knew because Willow was obvious not all magic-girl yet what with the not being able to tell a love spell from a totally screw up the best friend’s life spell.

“Lookie, lookie who showed up,” Xander confronted the three, not even trying for diplomatic.

“Xander!” Willow shrieked as she threw herself into his arms. A few weeks earlier this would have provided entirely too much temptation; now the only temptation was to break her neck. Oh, okay, he couldn’t break her neck, but he was in a definite pinky-finger breaking mood.

“Willow, do you notice anything wrong with this picture?” Xander asked once Willow stepped back.

“Yeah, you’re back to looking like white trash on a limited income,” Faith offered and Xander gave her his best whither and die look. Faith laughed. “That might work on your vamp, but not on me she-he.”

“Xander what’s wrong?” Willow asked with wide innocent eyes.

“Um, Willow, you went and did the whole mojo thing on me *again* and I thought we had this discussion.”

“I assure you, Willow has not cast any spells that would have resulted in your…reversion to your original form.”

“Right, mate. Why don’t you try that on someone stupid because we’re not buyin’.” Xander turned to see Spike leaning against the counter, and he instinctively took one step forward before stopping. He didn’t belong in Spike’s arms any more and that moved him from pinky-breaking angry all the way up to leg-breaking angry.

“Really, I honestly didn’t do anything especially after the whole turning Xander into a girl in the first place thing which really gave me a case of the guilties. I’m okay with you and Xander and I wouldn’t have messed it up,” Willow begged them to believe her, and Xander felt his anger dissipating under such a passionate plea of innocence.

“And despite my extensive research, I have certainly found no spell capable of achieving this result without the subjects’ cooperation,” Giles added. Xander could see Spike’s eyes tighten at the news that Giles had researched ways to end the spell.

“Right,” Spike said in a completely disbelieving voice. “Not stupid, so don’t soddin’ treat me like I am.”

“They already told you they didn’t do this,” Buffy said as she stepped up. Whatever happened with Xander’s…um…parts, we didn’t do it.”

“Didn’t say you did it slayer, you’re not really bright enough for this kinda mojo.”

“You arrogant, bull-headed, conceited old…” Buffy started, clearly working up to a full out rant, but Spike interrupted.

“Oi, if you’re goin’ ta insult me alphabetically, you mind offer me a chair so I don’t have to stand through all 26?”

“What?” Buffy asked, obviously confused.

“I’m just thinkin’ when ya get ta ‘x’ you’re goin’ ta have a problem, and I don’t intend on standing while you try ta come up with vocabulary that probably isn’t even in that brain of yours.” Xander felt himself approaching hysteria as Buffy turned to Willow, silently asking for a translation.

“You know, a for arrogant, b for bull-headed,” Willow explained with a shrug.

“Yeah, and I don’t intend on standin’ for the length of time it’ll take ya ta come up with one for every letter. Don’t have that many decades ta waste.” Buffy narrowed her eyes, and Xander just waited for his life to finish its complete unraveling, not that his life was so raveled to begin with.

“Oh, oh, ‘x’ could be for xenophobic,” Willow squealed, and all glaring ended as every person in the library turned to look at her. “Well it could,” she defended herself, and once again Xander considered his recent ‘Willow babbling to distract from the evil vibes’ theory.

“Don’t really have anythin’ against foreigners, luv,” Spike said, but his voice had grown considerably softer and more amused while addressing the witch.

“Um, Xanthippe?” Willow tried.

“Ya already turned one of us into a woman,” Spike started, “how ‘bout ya leave it at just one. If it’s buggin’ ya, the word I’d go for is x-rated.” Spike said, and Xander felt the blush start at his toes and work north until he had to fairly glow bright red. Oh no, no thinking about Spike and sex. No thinking about sex. No thinking about what it would be like to have sex with Spike now because that would be really, really bad.

“I don’t know, I kinda like ‘Xander-whipped’,” Faith threw in, and Xander nearly choked on air, sure that he would pop blood vessels if he blushed any harder.

“And once again we have wandered into territory I most certainly do not want to explore. Academic curiosity has limits,” Giles pointed out. As he watched Giles polish, Xander wondered how long the librarian’s glasses survived on average.

“You’ll bloody fix this spell you’ve bollocked up or I’ll show ya a few limits,” Spike snarled as Xander started backing toward the exit in the shelves.

“I hardly feel threatened by a hyperactive hundred year old when two slayers are in the room,” Giles snapped back, and Xander ran for the exit. He didn’t want to actually watch when the whole thing dissolved into mutual homicide, but he just couldn’t do anything to fix it this time.

Xander wandered town until he found himself in the park where he and Jesse and Willow used to go before life got so complicated…and then more complicated…and then complicated beyond human capacity for understanding. Seeing a bench, he decided to sit and pick the pebbles out of his feet before he actually lamed himself. God, he didn’t even have a home since his parents had bought the whole foreign exchange student crap, which just proved the poor quality gene pool he’d drawn from.

“This is a new look,” Angel offered as he sat down on the bench.

“Yep, going for that rummage sale look.” Xander said without looking up.

“I actually meant the male thing.”

“Right. So I take it they didn’t let you in on the fun and games last night. Just as well since Spike really doesn’t need more reasons to kill you.

“What? Buffy? She did this?” Xander smiled, he’d never actually heard Angel flustered before and it was almost worth it.

“Buffy or Giles, that’s the consensus. Wait, can you have a consensus with just one person?” Xander looked over at Angel.

“Not generally.” Angel replied. “What makes you think Buffy and Giles did this?”

“Oh, let’s see. They hate Spike, they hate me and Spike together, they’ve apparently researched way to break the spell, and now the lack of spellage means me and Spike won’t be together. Yeah, I’m guessing Giles and or Buffy.”

“William threw you out?” Angel sounded almost surprised at that.

“Uh, I’m a man here. Manly bits,” Xander gestured toward his own crotch. “Well, manlier anyway,” Xander said as he considered how he had sneaked out of first the house and then the library.

“And you and Spike talked, decided to go your separate ways?” Angel prodded.

“Talk, no. But we did manage to avoid the attempted murder thing, so I’m calling it one of my better break ups.” Xander looked over into Angel’s slightly confused face. “Man, I know this is probably the closest you get to comforting, but if you’re looking to make me feel better, going away would be a good start.”

“Xander,” Angel took a deep breath as though bracing himself, and Xander ignored him. “Spike wouldn’t have turned on you because the spell ended. Say what you want, Spike is loyal to the end.”

“Spike wanted girl me, it’s why the compatibility spell made the change because we aren’t compatible. I just don’t want to be around when Spike decides he doesn’t like the old model.”

“You think he’ll turn on you.”

“I think he’ll eat me.” Xander exclaimed, exasperated with why Angel couldn’t seem to grasp simple logic. “Oh, come on Angel, look at me. Giles, Buffy, Jesse, Cordelia, and even Willow: they all think I’m some sort of screw up. Or thought in Jesse’s case since my screw ups helped get him killed. You think your soul-less childe is going to think any better of me?”

“So, that’s why you’re sitting in a park a hundred feet away from a cemetery in the dark?”

“I can take care of myself.” Xander protested weakly, even though he now realized that he didn’t even have a stake and his ability to get home probably depended on sticking close to Angel.

“Xander,” Angel started, halting awkwardly after the name. “Spike’s not someone you walk away from.”

“Great, we talking stalker boy with dead fish or we talking body floating in with the tide? I’m actually hoping on the tide thing because Willow’s parents are going to notice another missing tank full of missing fish.” Xander ignored the small stab of guilt as he twisted that knife into Angel, but the sooner Brood-boy went home, the sooner he got to work on his own brooding technique. He waited for Angel to leave, but the silence just stretched out until he wanted to scream. He really wanted to just get up and walk away, but he didn’t think he had the strength.

“Spike cares about you,” Angel said, and then Xander could literally hear the vampire grind his teeth before continuing. “He loves you. He’s not going to hurt you, although dragging you off is a real possibility if you run away without talking to him.”

“Been there, done that. Can’t say I expected that to ever happen again because, hey, I’m not a girl any more. You’re kind of ‘Missing the Obvious Man’ tonight, Angel.”

“No, pet, you’re the one missin’ the obvious if ya think I’m goin’ ta walk away from ya just cause your mates bollocked up some spell.”

“Spike,” Xander exclaimed as he stood, and backed up so that he stood slightly behind Angel who had also stood at the sound of Spike’ voice. For his part, Spike’s expression wasn’t one to inspire confidence or long life expectancies.

“Yeah, pet. Been lookin’ for ya for nearly two hours, and I’m wondering what you’re doin’ here.”

“Oh just sitting, talking, people watching,” Xander gestured toward the completely abandoned park, cringing as he realized he had given the world’s stupidest answer which seemed so very appropriate in its own way.

“Time ta come home pet.”

“Angel’s actually just going to walk me to my parents’ place since the real Xander Harris is back in residence, it’s time for him to go back to his real residence.”

“Your place is soddin’ well with me,” Spike snarled, and Xander nearly threw himself behind Angel, thankful for the older and much larger vampire’s presence. Nice solid, soul-having, protective, reaching around to grab him by the scruff of his neck like a puppy Angel. Xander yelped his objection to Angel’s manhandling of him as the vampire pulled him around with a large hand at his neck and another holding his belt. Xander tried to pull away, but Angel’s grasp didn’t budge.

“Peaches,” Spike snapped, and Xander flinched in Angel’s grasp. “What game are ya playin’?”

“Not playing. I gave you Xander back at the school the first time you showed up in Sunnydale, wouldn’t be polite of me to take back my gift,” Angel said, and before Xander could lodge a protest, he found himself pushed forward toward Spike.

“Hey, Buffy is so not going to be okay with the whole giving me away plan,” Xander protested even as Spike’s arms closed around him, holding him firmly enough to prevent any sort of escape. Angel shrugged.

“It’s a vampire thing,” he offered as he turned and disappeared into the night, leaving Xander to his fate with Spike, with an angry and still game-faced Spike. Xander ducked his head and tried to find the right words to talk his way out of this one, but Spike simply started walking, pulling Xander after him as he strode toward home.